It’s too painful this kind of abuse really messes up the mind. I struggle with isolation, avoidance and I feel constantly numb or detached.

Do any scapegoats find it hard to show that they are having a happy day as the narcissist hated you being happy.

I now see that most of the giants of my childhood, parents, teachers, religious persons, friends, were in the darkness leading me away from the light into the darkness. but I am going to let this little light of mine, shine.

I realized I often feel this way after sticking up for myself or being honest with someone when what they did hurt me. I end up feeling sorry afterwards like I did something wrong by speaking up. It's this cognitive dissonance that makes me feel idk right from wrong.

That's so key --- Appearing as less of a target is an important theme. The more depressed your seem and the less effort you make, then less attacks you get. Self sabotage in a nutshell!!

A happy person reminds the narc of their painful emptiness and lack of self. The narc destroys a happy person to avoid their inner pain.

Could never see why happiness was such a threat. Astounding so many people have the same feelings. I thought I was alone. Thank you Jay and everyone commenting.

By becoming a failure, Terry was less of a threat to the narcissistic dad's ego and in Terry's mind in a weird way was getting closer to his dad.

Thank you for this insight. Another issue with accepting achievements growing up as a scapegoat is that your achievements were usually met with disdain, comparison, sarcasm, negativity or just blatantly ignored by the narcissist because of their fragile ego. If you did achieve anything great, the narcissist would be quick to take that away from you by telling you “it’s because of their genes” or somehow they used to achieve the same and better at your age so this is done to gaslight your achievements and make you feel unworthy which is why we have an issue with accepting our achievements when we are older with acute imposter syndrome. I remember I would always feel wrong in some way for being a high achiever because the “well done” comments were always followed by being chastised and compared to the narcissist like it was a competition while being told about how my achievements were not enough or how I could do better so you end up associating your achievements with negativity from a young age. It’s the same as the “you missed a spot” comments no matter how sparkling clean the room may be etc It truly is a sick mind game.

This describes the dynamic between me and my "father" exactly. I was and am terrified to outshine and surpass my father. Despite the fact that I possess far more natural talents, intelligence and vision than he does. I've won awards, received much praise and accolades but right as I'm on the cusp of breaking through to the next level, I find a reason to bring it all down. I don't know what to do.

It is so good to see you back. I don't think anyone else better expresses the psychodynamic aspects of these intrapsychic aspects of coping with narcissistic abuse and scapegoating. Even your analytic statements express a sort of pervasive empathy. Please keep it up.

Thank you Jay for helping the scapegoats sorting out the tangled psychological life issues

It’s really fun when you get tag teamed by relatives. Yes, you can’t control your feelings.

Thank you for posting this video. I've described it like, when something good happens to me my anxiety starts to take over, I feel like a kid about to get in trouble. I feel like the only way to get rid of the anxiety is to set things right in the world again, meaning nullifying the good that just happened or giving it to someone else like hot potato. As soon as that good thing is no longer mine, I feel so much better. I feel like I can breathe again. But my heart breaks at the same time.

I did this in all my relationships. Instead of celebrating my achievements I shrunk myself in order to be close to narcissistic partners, friends and family. Staying away from narcissists really helps because I am away from the pathological envy. Thank you for this! It's the exact same situation I grew up under. Mother was the main narc, father was the mini narc.

This is next-level advice right here. I feel self acceptance is half the battle. Sometimes, well-meaning things like mindfulness and EFT tapping can be used to try and just get rid of all the badness. There's something naive and childlike about that fantasy - ie when all the badness is gone, then I'll be ok and be able to start living my dream life. I'm wrestling with this stuff at the mo. Another great vid Jay, you're an unusually perceptive chap

I always have the feeling that I'm not doing enough. Whenever I receive praise or compliments for my work my thoughts are "They don't know what they are saying, when they will see who I really am they will fire me." These thoughts demotivate me and make me perceive my job havier in a "labor for the sake of labor" kind of way. I just feel that it will never be enough anyway..

Both of my parents are malignant narcissists. And just like Terry’s case I had no option but to attach to someone greatly harmful. I experienced every type of abuse from both of them, but it was my mother that was more “present”, my father more neglectful, so I attached more so to her. Horrifically though, she was only present in malicious ways-as was he. I was either going to kill myself or successfully escape the night I finally left. It’s been nearly a year since cutting them off yet it still feels like yesterday. This video and others on the subject bring me to tears every time. And anger. Children of narcissistic abuse, we have truly been ROBBED! Robbed of life, robbed of ourselves, our beauty, our breath… and yes financially as well. (Every type of abuse.)

I had an extremely healing moment when I could tell I was going to begin a cycle of negative thoughts. I sat down and allowed myself to feel all the thoughts I was thinking but I also paid attention to what my mind was telling me to do or calling me to action. I realized that when I thought negatively I reached out to people that would hurt me more. As I chose not to act on those promptings I continued to feel. The negative feelings expanded and I wanted to hurt myself….while at the same time I watched all this unfold. I was shocked on some level just how much I hurt myself. It was a session that I was worried that I might have done myself harm…in the brain. Because I let the masochism expand but I chose to sit in it instead of acting on it. The pain was truly horrific. When it was over and I was able to settle into a more balanced energy state….I felt a bit empty. It took months to process but now looking back it was an incredible healing process. Though I am not completely done healing. It worked.

Brilliant. Thank you for this insight. I really get it. It might explain my procrastination and lack of motivation...that I'm unconsciously failing in order to gain parental acceptance. Phew. Mind blowing! It also allows me to not have a life, it feels bad & sad but strangely safe to not achieve, to fail, to never try. Feels like I'm leaning on them, I'm seeking their approval & doing what they want so I'm excused from having a life. And it feels comforting. My goodness. That's sad & quite shocking. I'm so glad you've brought this to my attention. And I will now look at my life with fresh eyes. Thank you.

It's when I embrace my negative parts that I actually feel the love.

Remember you are surviving...despite the pain & loss & confusion. Regard yourself with acceptance for this fact alone. if you have lost loved ones due to the emotional & psychological violence & neglect... keep fighting ro live. i know it is not easy. Remember lost loved ones by sticking around to tell the truth.. even if only to yourself. You never need to violate your own privacy. Remember you are here to tell yourself truth. it matters not what others say. they have not experienced what you have.

I've been looking for an explanation for my self-sabotaging behavior and feelings for a long time.

I literally am afraid when good news comes, and the better the news the more I hate it and wait for the opposite to happen. The shoe literally feels like it's hanging over my head like Damocles.

Indeed. My father was raised by his own bully brother, absentee stepfathers, and immature mother. I can see now why he was such a angry avoidant “father”. He never had one. He ran from his own abuse and I became his scapegoat. Figuring this stuff out with help from channels like this is helpful and scary. Like seeing that I was a newborn star sucked into the orbit of a blackhole that stole my light.

Thank you for these videos, each one is a treasure of awareness and allows me to alter my perspective and exhale.

I have a narcissistic mother and I can really relate to this. Honestly I waited a really long time to finish my degree. I was always told I couldn’t do anything and then when I did do something I was never told “good job” or “I’m proud of you.” It’s a struggle at work and I’m finally finishing my degree, but I’ve struggled to apply for jobs where others already have. I’m actually crying while writing this. Why can’t I do it?

It’s very hard to figure out. Some of us are so conditioned we hardly realize we are doing it.

Impressive and just in time for my need with work trauma. This pulled me out of a, idk, days long dissociation state before my audit which I dont deserve to be off kilter for it. We are lucky you use your gift for good.

That was my life. Father gone and had to attach to an abuser . And yes I do hide my success so that I don’t become a target . I have been doing it my whole life

Wow, I just made a connection! I find myself rescuing demanding women friends who criticize me when I say no to their demands. Example: Ann wanted to be chauffeured to run errands despite snow storms or freezing temperatures in our long Minnesota Winters. I had an accident running a frivolous errand that cost me $600 in new tires and endangered me. She expressed no empathy or responsibility of costs. I wasn't a good friend if I refused despite my safety concerns. Eventually the conflict surfaced when I said no to a request. Ann was angry I wasn't a caring friend. She never contributed to my expenses. She tried shaming me but I was relieved, and somewhat scared to be free of her. In the end, I'm mad at myself for not seeing her narcissistic behavior, which was so similar to my mother who didn't drive, called me selfish and unChristian while demanding help. When I complied to demands, I was never good enough to please her and she was a victim. I ask myself why don't I learn this lesson, this is not a true friend. I'm healing from a narcissistic mother through these encounters and learning to love and protect myself. Good exercise, very thought provoking.

you just said what triggered my anger earlier! moving the fng goalposts!!

I thought that I had finally managed to make my mother feel safe and loved enough not to attack me anymore, but when I had a huge success and was about to move, she went insane with jealousy, lied to my doctor, and signed me into a psych ward. It took 10 days to get out. I was so traumatized and terrified, I barely talked for a year. I lost my new job, my apartment, my confidence, and my will to live was shattered. She got what she wanted... me as a semi-invalid barely alive in her basement, not well enough to live my life, only existing to serve her need to control me. I eventually moved to my narcissist father's house, because at least he didn't try to take over my life, just expects me to take care of him. I learned not to have anything of my own, so they could not take it away from me. I feel robbed of an entire life. I don't think the pain will ever go away. Your videos saved my life.

I feel bad depression my hole life due to effects of abuse

Omg! I needed this! Went no contact with my mother - its been over a year it’s awful. Thanks for the vid. I always say you’re a hidden gem. 🙏🏼

My father (the Narcissist) was a musician; but not a complete musician. In other words he did not go to music school or become a professional. He went to medical school instead. He did study singing with a couple of fine teachers, was invited to sing with the San Francisco Opera Chorus (which he declined because he was a medical resident) , and had the support of my mother who also loved music. When he came home, he never talked about medicine, but our life was music and he had many high level artist friends. He performed on the world stage and I remember how happy he was. When we came home after that period, it was back to medicine. All three of us were musically talented and we were given lessons by amazing artists. Though I was a diligent music student, I was not encouraged to pursue it at college. My father never took an interest in my music, except to perform when guests visited, playing voice music I had never seen before. It was a scenario tailor made to create a feeling of embarrassment and not quite getting there. I naturally like to do things well. I had no idea what to do in college so I went to work as a Legal Secretary. Fast forward 30 years when I woke up to music. I now have been to 2 years of music school (A grades) and have a fair number of successes (teaching); pretty much anything I put my hand to musically is a success. However, I hold back in some way, like the young man of which you speak of. Awhile ago I realised my father was not what he seemed to be; he too had held back. He was not a professional musician. He had an emotional block. It has been difficult to acknowledge this fact. Because my need to make him "okay" has been stronger than my need to blossom into the musician I can be. I loved him and sometimes I am still allowing the grief to surface and pass away. I think I have felt guilty about being so happy.

Thank you for sharing your keen insight on this difficult subject. This video helped me a lot. I did the exercise you suggested even though I was scared to do it because I sensed it would help me get more integrated and whole - which in my family still means risking retaliation.

Ironically, I feel very comforted by the fact that I'm not alone in feeling this way, that my family dynamic and my whole experience are "textbook". Thank you.

100% accurate…so sad that we carry these patterns into adulthood until we can LOOK at the patterns…thank you for painting a clear picture.

i've been punishing myself to the point of alcohol abuse and the physical consequences thereof. i don't know how to ever feel better about myself. i am very accomplished and intelligent but my abuser tells me what a failure i am and how nothing good i do has any value. they see nothing good in me at all. i've been seeing myself through their lens for years and years and my health is ruined as a consequence. but i'm at the point of giving up. i'll never be good enough for anyone. i don't know how to not be self destructive.

Thank you Jay as always great food for thought, with your skill and integrity coming through. I need watch a couple times more. Then I’ll try the exercise. My experience also includes being a courageous and supportive sibling in a large family. Now to find my adult siblings who “socially function” doing the scapegoating behaviours across the spectrum right through to shunning. This I could never have imagined being the outcome of all that surviving.

My moher has been dead for over 20 years, It is my hope that videos like this will support the actual end of tyranny..

Very cool exercise you shared. It’s remarkable how something so easy can have a long lasting effect.

Good to see you back!

may you be richly blessed. thank you

Just what I needed to hear today. Thank you

Thank you, Jay...this is all about accepting myself as a whole person.

👍👍👍affecting me deeply. Radical shift. I have been viewing the self condemnation as demons requiring exorcism. To frame it as parts of me to accept/talk to/make friends with immediately brought tears to the eyes, like the chest is cracking, as i recognize it's about forgiveness, forgiving the triumvirate of parents & older sibling. Do tears, grieving, melt anger. I hope so

My father and late husband were this way. Some claim it was my mother, but my mother was just trying to keep the peace and she was mimicking the ways my father would " keep the peace".

The exercise at the end of this video has been life changing. It is helping me integrate what has always felt like a pointilist conception of myself. I am so grateful I found this channel.

I watched the webinar today and I wanted to hop on the comments and say thanks.

It's nice to see you again Jay. I really understood this and it felt healing and calming. Some thing I do not yet understand is how I can have memories of the abuse which feel like intrusive thoughts, like my mom screaming and swearing at me, and if I try the same exercise of welcoming this as part of me it feels worse. Maybe this isn't part of me? I don't understand that yet.

oh my fuck that explains why my negative self talk only crops up when i actually get my ass in gear. i can be so mean to myself when im doing well or doing what I Want. thanks for the video ! i try to accept the self hating part of me when it crops up, im gonna try your technique too.

Absolutely understand the self-punishing as I practiced this religiously for years as a strange kind of “false-comforter”…. more freedom now as I am understanding the spiritual aspects of this. You articulate the process well, and that is helpful.

I always feel so overwhelmed with emotions after watching you talk, so much that I even struggle to find words on how to thankyou for putting these out. Everything you say is really relatable and thankyou for existing. God bless

Ill be watching every Sunday

Thank you so much for making these videos available to us! You explain things really well.

This is huge as scapegoats age. Please do more videos on this topic!

This rings true for me only with my mother and brother. I’m artistically talented but had to hide it so I wouldn’t be a target. Lately, I’ve been displaying my paintings more and getting positive feedback. I’ve also gone back and looked at paintings that I rejected as no good. They are not as bad as I thought.

Dear Jay, this video actually acknowledges & explains my experience! How very healing! Thank you so much, so very much.💙💙

Terry's experience totally resonated with me, this video is very validating. Thank you! Both of my parents did, and still do that with me. They would encourage me to make friends, and as soon as I did and was feeling good, I'd be called selfish or they would find some way to insidiously put my friends down. It was important to be seen as sociable, but constantly told me the world is a dangerous place. They would criticize extended family, but always said how important it was to stay connected with extended family. When I fell into favor with one parent, the other parent would get jealous and find something to lash out against me for. These double binds also happened with my ex, friends and in work scenarios. My ex told me I needed to make friends, but would embarrass me in front of others and eventually started telling me how depressed he was, and thinking about suicide, when I was about to leave to go out with a friend. My ex friend used to tell me how important friends were, but then tell me how dangerous others, except her, was, and that I should never share anything with anyone but her. I am now more cautious and don't want to make friends just to make friends. I think my parents have finally gotten the idea that I don't want them asking if I'm making friends or doing anything fun, but they and my brother are always emphasizing how important friends and family are. I now hardly share anything too personal with my parents, because I know how frustrating their reactions usually are. If anyone tells me how dangerous the outside world is, I see that as a definite red flag

There are plenty of people the will knock you down if they can. Gotta stand up for yourself.

Yeah, I act similarly. It's hard to be successful, both my parents were jealous of me when I was. Very painful childhood.

Thank you. Take care , too

I've run into that issue of waiting for mounting calamity before doing a task - but there were no comments like Terry got if I did the thing earlier. Then again there were no comments at all, it was an emotional void. So I guess that's something to avoid as well. Thanks for the video.

My problem rather excactly. I will try the solution given here.

processing processing processing: trying to untangle the mess in my mind while I watch this video... how did I create this? and why? why why why? why oh why God why? what's the lesson? what must I unlearn? falling for a man: obsessed with health and fitness. and me? diabetic. fat. overweight: my whole life. he's vegan. I love meat. he's a fitness trainer. leisure walks are the only exercise I get. I have a bad back, I can't do much. fitness is far from my thing. for him: fitness is EVERYTHING. why would I do this to myself? why why why? fall for a man that would/could never: fall for me back?

Visualize...anger hitting a brick wall....today's emotion.

When things are too good, I do always wait for the shoe to drop.

This one hit home for me. Thank you, Jay!

Absolutely I can identify!

I relate to your anecdote and it's comforting even to just hear someone who clearly knows what they're talking about. Thank you, Jay.

Wonderful exercise at the end! Thank you for the entire video and the exercise. And yes I recognize this video is two years old but it’s also timeless. Two things can be true at the same time. Two things at once!

Resonate with Terry all the way 🙋🏻‍♀️ (Terry rules), though it took me a long time to notice some of the experiences and pair up the times I’d get shut down for opposite behavior (judged too fat/too skinny by the same person for example) because I’d cut off the disapproval I was actually receiving psychologically & tell myself the person didn’t mean it, I guess a way of rejecting the part of myself that was being scapegoated as a way to keep feeling good about myself and my efforts.

Really enjoying your teachings Jay. 💞 This balancing act. I'm watching the 7 tactics webinar a few times to incorporate the actions. Thanks for turning us on to Dr James Gordon. Already doing the shake dancing and belly breathing meditation. 🌈🌿🤗🌹🍀🍎🍰💁

Thanks Jay.

I m happy for my healing journey since 06/20

Fantastic!

Thank you. Again, that was validating.

Thank you. That was so helpful. I will try that and sign up for your ebook. Have a good 👍🏻 week 🤗

Man Terry’s story has a lot of parallels with my life.

Hi Jay, thank you for your videos on narcissistic abuse and scapegoating. I'm only on the second one that I've seen, and they're so triggering and I have to work really hard to get through without getting distracted losing focus or probably actually dissociating somewhat. I am not highly dissociative, but this is one of the most triggering topics for me, having been scapegoated by my father originally, who died when I was 11, and then later after my mother died by all my surviving siblings, at the age of 52. I remain no contact with the surviving siblings. It was absolutely the only way. There is really a dearth of good work on scapegoating. So I really appreciate your presence and immediately subscribed. You asked for feedback, and I practiced a lot of cold reading many years ago, and learned how important it is for the eyes to be focused on camera or the other person. I find it a little distracting when you're reading your material. I know it's hard to read stuff and give your eyes to the camera. Just wanted to give you the feedback that perhaps if you put your screen a little further back or just read through the material a couple times before rolling, that you'll be able to give your eyes to the camera more. I think that will help me focus on what you're saying. Probably your viewers really need to see your presence through your eyes. Not just your words. Your material is outstanding. I want to drink it in. I'm going to do your download and I look forward to absorbing more of your exceptional content regarding this very painful issue of narcissistic abuse and specifically scapegoating. Wishing you blessings and favorable algorithms, for your channel growth! 💖

Any thought that distracts them from their regular thought is more than likely going to set them off in a better direction. It does let them go free and with the anchor up, positively by choice. 🙏

I took matters in my own hands by getting increasingly quiet. Nobody has said peep. I suppose it's good they are not saying anything to me- and yet, it feels odd. Thank you Jay for your professional and affective videos.

I think ur spot on. Very powerful and helpful. TU

The flattery got me. Appeals to need to feel useful, in charge. Jesus said do not judge.. He was right. The positive can be used to control a person - ie the golden child.

Jay excellent!Thank you!

In summary: In some families family members take turns being the scapegoat. Sometimes becoming the unsuccessful scapegoat instead of continuing to play the role of the emerging family hero to take over an aging parent's own responsibilities not being met in addition to their own during self-actualization seems like the only way to survive while being expected to become greater than you are while growing up to continue supporting the vulnerable narcissist in the home because of the unconscious fear of being abandoned again in intergenerational disfunction.

Everything is getting clarity in my life when I listen to your videos. Yes, changing the rules was typical in my home of origin. I cannot do anything right, and I notice that even today I freeze when I even want to accomplish something. The samage that my mother and ger enablere, my fateher, have done to me is really huge. It has effected everything in my life. The biggest grief I have is that seemingly I was not good mother to my daughter. She has suffered about this system so badly. I lost my life. Only ruins are left. I do notcsee any meaning in life. I lost everything that I loved.

Well this feels accurate to my life.

Wonderful explanation and tools. I needed this lifeline today❤️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

i feel like burden in life, feel like every one is going to degrade me, push me around and i can't stay for my self in that scenarios. I believe i grow a inner self-hate because of my narcissistic mother and i dont know how to get rid of this and find my true self and hold it

So glad I found your channel! Married 3 kid, and then divorced. I shrunk and left. Terrible, terrible. I think what you said in this video is what I have been doing my whole life. Seeking out people who treat me bad.

Thank you so much your videos are so spot on

Can you do a video about addiction during and after narcissistic abuse? I feel like I abuse coffee to stay in the fight and flight state

Thank you.

Yep 100%. If you're known as a screw up by the ones you love, you'll screw up on purpose to continue that attachment. So common sense says the only way to break that pattern is, detach from the people who's love is contingent on you being a screw up. And this will have a ripple effect in your life bc I'd be willing to bet that you've attracted friends, bosses, and partners that carry out the same pattern that you have w your parents. So once you break one pattern, you'll start to break the rest as well. And your backwards compass will start to correct itself.

Thank you Jay, that was invaluable. A gift from Daddy. Thanks Dad.

To avoid being continously attacked while working towards goals, with success, the emotionally safe solution appears as disappearing to the attackers, which evidently destroys any successful personal outcome. Sigh.

I’m well on my healing journey estranged now for 3 years and this video just gave me an aha moment 🖤🦋