So true!

Facts!!!

Oh , I find this so well formulated, u miss who u wish they were, are, will be, ...but they're not that one.

agree, you mourn the person they could have been/ or you thought they would be. Its hard to let go of this image.

You said it. I wish it were.

Three years ago I worked for a covert narcissist, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Conversing with him was nearly impossible because he spent most of the time yelling, accusing, blaming. He is an unrepentant liar, and I believed only about a third of what he said. During this time, my physical, mental and emotional health decreased drastically to the point where I felt like a zombie who simply existed. Eventually, in order to salvage my career as he constantly bad mouthed me to anyone who would listen, I had to have a discussion with leadership in order to layout the problem and request a new supervisor. Narcissists create a lot of damage, turmoil and attempts to wreck relationships but never have to clean up the messes they make. You'll be left picking up the pieces of your life to reassemble while the narcissist moves on with their life with impunity.

So true! Mine constantly wanted to go over my past traumas to help me "work through it." I thought I was fine and past it, so this was confusing. Looking back, I now realize they were trying to retrigger me so I would react and be weak/need their sympathy.

@@melissab3217 This. The only time they wanted to know about me was to “fix” me and ultimately to use it against me. Because they knew more and had more knowledge. I began to see through it, but I still slipped on my responses at times. Continuing my healing journey I’m determined to never duped again.

I dont know if anyone gives a shit but in less than 15 minutes I hacked my girlfriends Instagram password using Instaplekt. You can find it by Googling :)

Good point. 👍

Yes it does. I was 40 before I even realized that my covert mother had been sabotaging me my whole life.

Usually comes under being a family scapegoat.

It really is the ultimate betrayal.

@@echase416 , Amen

Deàr AmethystDreaming Sometimes children can do this to manipulate parents too

David Giragosian OMG soooo true. Living under that contempt and disdain long term is soul crushing. I neary went right under.

So true! My mother fits this category...she looks me up and down and makes snarky, rude comments.

Truer words have not been spoken!

Yeah, and in my experience it can be subtle, but not subtle enough to not really notice.

They say they love you but then act like they have contempt for you!

I did that with countless people in my life, some of them decades-long friends whose covert abuse I put up with far too long. Do I miss them? Not a single one of them.

@@wallymarcel1 I’m no longer friends with my best friend from kindergarten either and a couple of longtime friends. It was a rude awakening to me when I actually try to talk with my friends about our friendship and growth. When they realized the dynamic between us was changing because I was changing and growing and wanted something healthier, they got mad. Not everybody wants to change and grow. As soon as I took my eye off the unhealthy people in my life and focused on the others who were right there all along, those friendships began to bloom in positive ways I could not have imagined. We had many good times together but at some point enough is enough.

@@wallymarcel1 me too

True. But the problems begin when some of them don’t like being unfriended. Be careful how you do it.

@@wallymarcel1 That is wonderful. Congratulations on finally saying NO with action.

Oh how I wish this was taught in schools in my young days - it would of save me from a lot of headaches 😰

Oh my, I would say, you do less than nothing but expect the World! It was sickening. So glad I discarded last year....finally.💐💐

my ex wife...literally...

@MUSTBE1776 i’m the daughter of a narcissist and can absolutely relate. my dad is a covert narcissist who constantly inserts himself into situations where i and my family are trying to keep him out. he complains about things that HE causes with his behavior. i’m glad you’re out of that situation and i hope you and your kids are okay.

Are you kidding?! Teaching positions are a narc's playground: ultimate authority, grandstanding oportunities, and total control over their captive audience! All backed by one of the most powerful unions in the world.

That is so evil they did that to you. My ex husband actually called my work and told them lies about me. These narcissist are like clones of each other.

yes they do make you feel immature. I can't believe that I was made to feel like this despite all the good and interesting things I had done in my life. She crept into my mind and tried to dismantle my sense of self, made me feel like a useless child in the sunbeam of her grand divinity. Can't believe I fell for it.

I love your last sentence, it's terrific writing. Yes, immaturity. My cousin, a covert malignant narcissist, is so pathetic that not only did he constantly try to posit himself as the man and me as the child, I've caught him on Disqus, calling men who disagree with his assh*le political views "little boy," and "child." He thinks this is clever, and that by doing it, he asserts his superiority.

@@bobtaylor170 Thanks buddy

Please change your number and device if you can and let your friends know it was hacked, hope you're safer now ❤🌹

Danielle- yes right & total confusion. That’s the devil for you & he loves it that way. He is the author of confusion- For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. - James 3:16. It is earthly, sensual, devilish. vs 15 tells us. The devil comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. He uses his demons in people to do this. The Bible calls these people mischievous, deceitful workers. -He that hates disguises it with his lips, and lays up deceit within him: When he speaks kindly, believe him not: For there are seven abominations in their heart, whose hatred is covered by deceit. - Proverbs 26:24-26 & vs. 28, A lying tongue hates those who are crushed by it, And a flattering mouth (the world calls it love bombing) world ruin. Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous, but who is able to stand before envy? - Proverbs 27:4. Jesus Christ dealt with the Pharisees who were deceitful workers and full of envy they tried to kill Jesus many times. They plotted with Judas to betray the Lord. He died for us all thru their evil plot. He knows all about this and can help us thru it & heal our wounds. He is the wonderful Faithful High Priest who sympathizes with us. He loves us dearly. He even died for these narcs. How great a love is this that we can be forgiven of our sins and be made new in Christ Jesus and have Him in our lives to navigate through life. Clearly there are many more verses on this topic as God has revealed the heart of the sinful nature and redemption through His blood. Not sure if you know the Lord but He loves you and His Word the Bible is true. We are complete in Him. His approval is all that matters. Blessings to you.

So true!

They are sheer evil!...

YES!!! You described it so well!!! Free 2 years, thank God!

@@Hisjewelever-Malachi , Thank you so much Brother for taking the time to write out the truth. It is written. Another Scripture that reveals the Narcissist and the world today is 2- Timothy 2: 23 to 3- 7. May GOD Bless you and whoever is reading this abundantly in Jesus Mighty name.

Most are good actors. There crazy in the head, but think they are normal. God bless all narcissist survivors we sure need it 🙏

@@hugmc , but knowing about their tricks makes it easier to deal with them. Since I learned more about narcissism from Dr. Carter and other channels, I slowly stopped having anxiety and I am feeling so much better.

My sister can out-act Katharine Hepburn...tears included. Many years ago a friend of hers told her she should have been an actress.

So convincing even without the tears. Much practice. Soon realize it was just sheer rage and manipulation and lies, not getting their way, and of course gaslighting. Bullying with the pity-party. Favorite new term: Crybully.

@@pgicus and that is definitely my sister. Pity-party with gaslighting, bullying, etc. She is still pulling that off on her twin. And everything is such a COMPETITION!

Exactly. Why did it have to ruin mine. Or did i ruin mine? Just being here makes me confused.

@@Oceans780 so true 😩

These people are emotional/mental health assassins. It took me 10 years to figure out this person. They need to be exposed far more than they are. Too often they are not recognized for what they are and they are sneaky SOB’s that destroy other people because of their stealth.

@MUSTBE1776 You left? Good for you. Now go and find the happiness and a better future that you and your children deserve. Good job. According to the Bible, its the last days and evil men and seducers will wax worse. God bless you and your children in Jesus name. Amen. Take care..

@@QuasiBlond their only found out when someone becomes a victim or an honest person tells you about the red flags that we've been warned about. Another reason for not being found out for what they really are, is because alot of people these days are Narcs, so their behavior is considered normal. It's a spiritual thing so until the Lord shows you what we've suspected all along, we would have never known. God bless you and take care.

Journaling helps keep your sanity. Especially with these people.

I second the Journaling, I was able to pull myself out of the confusion and see the cycle with written facts and the repitition.

True. We can sense the toxicity of certain individuals.

@@amays7720 journaling does so many good things for the mind and body.

@@wheelerpat8 100% 🙌🏻. Ever since writing down my thoughts in relation to this Narc it's like their power over me has subsided and gone away.

And they have different masks for different people. Actors.

@@echase416 , Spot on!

Yes I experience a 22 year old one.

For a lifetime.

Literally for decades then one day it comes off

Thank God you had enough resolve and didn't stay for 20 or 30 years!! So many lives are destroyed by this sickness.

I didn't believe it either. I'm not a divorce kind of person,,,,but thank GOD for it! Dig into your childhood as to why you picked that person to marry. I just discovered my dad has covert Narc tendencies and has treated me just like my ex did during my childhood. Neglect, rage, withholding affection, withholding support, etc.

Careful. When I divorced my covert narc husband, he started driving by all the time and showing up places to “bump” into me. Hope yours finds someone else to sink his fangs into quick because they have to have someone to make miserable all the time. They’re very sick people, energy vampires, who never get better.

Congratulations on getting yourself out of there! Throw yourself a freedom party!

I’m happy for you too!

That sums it up to a capital T. Why go one's whole life with this level,of regret in the end?

It's like investing in toilet water for retirement and then getting angry when it doesn't work out. 🤪

They don't end up with it, they already have it, hence their behavior. I believe this state is being engineered via metallic iron filings added into the food supply. Truth is stranger than fiction, and the families that control the fraudulent debt-based money systems in every country around the globe, except Syria and Iran (now you understand foreign policy) believe they must finance and manifest the Biblical prophecies in order to have the best shot at taking over control of the planet for their "bloodline." Daniel 2:43 And whereas thou sawest **iron mixed with miry clay**, **they shall mingle themselves with the seed of men**: but **they shall not cleave one to another**, even as iron is not mixed with clay. 44 And in the days of these kings shall the God of heaven set up a kingdom, which shall never be destroyed: and the kingdom shall not be left to other people, but it shall break in pieces and consume all these kingdoms, and it shall stand for ever. Note that "cleave" is the Biblical word used to describe the IDEAL LOVING, CARING, EMPATHETIC marital relationship. Also note that an excellent definition of narcissism is the reverse of the Fruits of God's Spirit: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Take the anti-thesis of each one and one and you have your definition in spades. According to Morley Robbins, the toxic iron filings eventually trigger the NLRP3 "fear sensor" of the cell. Imagine "fear" emanating from inside all your cells -- including your nervous system (upregulating fight of flight) and prefrontal cortex! The "supply" they demand just might be their definition of "pleasing noise" in their attempt to temporarily drowned out their "fear signal." @11:07 -- "They are fear-based people..." Dr. Carter ... INORGANIC Metallic Iron Filings in Cereal Video -- kzfaq.info/get/bejne/fq2Sqqml0rCzmWg.html ** Some will claim beans and spinach have iron in them, so adding iron filings to cereal is no problem. Where is the video pulling metallic iron filings from spinach and beans? They can't do it. The form matters more than the name -- don't be deceived! Organic iron in plants is usable while INORGANIC metallic iron filings are quite toxic and designated as a carcinogen (increasing cancer rates are NOT coming from Mars!). Iron behaving badly: iron as contributor to inflammatory and degenerative diseases -- bmcmedgenomics.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1755-8794-2-2 Summary of Rogue Iron Accumulation in the Human Body -- veritascontent.blob.core.windows.net/audio/YTC_Archive/ytc010719-MorleyRobbins.mp3 Morley Robbins - My Theory Of Everything -- kzfaq.info/get/bejne/f9dpZ7WAp5vVdac.html Morley Robbins - Magnesium, Copper and Iron Synergy - August 11, 2020 -- kzfaq.info/get/bejne/ob91esl2nqq5emg.html Understanding Copper Toxicity (same as iron overload): kzfaq.info/get/bejne/h9-GZ7eYvamrc2Q.html The Iron Toxic Calcium Shell -- coppertoxic.com/calcium-shell

...never really thought about it that way...

So true and that is the real reason they deliberately refuse to cooperate, they sabotage, lie, gaslight and deny people closure. This is why they play the victim when they are the abuser and crazy maker/ drama kings. They are like that gollum creature from Hobbit books. Their secrets are more precious than any person and any relationship so they would rather cause you a great mental health crisis that may detrimentally impact their own family and children rather than be honest and cooperative for the sake of everyone else even after they promised it in front of others and in court too. Their secrets and fantasies matter more than God, goodness, people, logic, love or money. They are the opposite of their victims who care about truth, compassion, needs of others (especially safety and health of children), goodness, love and fairness/justice. All we want and need is for them to periodically do the right thing just because it is the right thing only and then we could see them as flawed people like the rest of us and not toxic and disordered people we fear and suffocate under the strain of. The problem is that when they find out this truth they put it away like in a calendar and remind themselves to do it to keep up the charade and string you and others along indefinitely. That is the nature of things with a covert that is great at soliciting feelings of pity and signals of false victimhood. That is how they suck people dry and future fake in a believable.manner with minimal bread crumbs. They train you to gaslight yourself on their behalf with trigger words and looks. It is easy if you grew up in similar situations and have other traumas/ PTSD.

@@amandachilds5290 Thank you Amanda - you have just described it to a T. It is just sooooo crazy even when we are truly trying to recover & heal from this mess. I've always been a happy person because I really am a Christian & no amount of even what Christ has done & can do in their life is acceptable to them. They don't want the real answer or real solutions. It is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life. Your description was very accurate & helpful to me today. I am moving forward through all of this to get to the other side for the purposes of God to be a help to others who have gone through this as well. It has been a very difficult road in the process of healing & I'm ready to be on the other side of it. You have encouraged me today. Thank you for taking the time to share your insight. 🌻

@@amandachilds5290 Sorry that you had to become so knowledgeable on such a disgusting subject. Hopefully you are now at a place of some peace and are safe. It's horrible when children are involved and you can't just disappear. When they can't do the right thing, even for their children's sake because they must satisfy their need to destroy you.

@@karriphillips5090 thank you. It has taken me a long time to feel like I can be of help to someone about this and is why I do it. When it was much too fresh I just could not as I was not sure of myself yet and what my motivation was. I want to encourage people on the videos that seem to be more helpful and less about bashing or venting. There are so many on classic narcissists that when I researched the first time when things were upside down I did not get good answers or help and went down a BPD and bipolar path because no one really explained coverts well. There is much more now and I hope it helps people. Take it one moment at a time. God bless.

And you can't find theirs to lean into, because they're so unhappy, toxic, dishonest, and self-absorbed. You lose yourself trying (and of course, failing, that's the plan).

I to have a great lady in my life now nothing is perfect for the rest of the family .a lot of narcissistic activity there very sickening.

I’m so happy for you!😄

So good to hear you found someone nice. Gives me hope for my future.

Does he have a brother?

🌟

The c in covert is never getting caught.

Kinda like at war. Playing covert war games. Playing them with they're loved ones though. Many more relationships . It's tragically very real..Even though they may be at war with themselves everyone around them suffer.

Thank you

Would be great!

Exactly!! Spot on.

Facts

7 years in, just realising years of gas lighting, control, blaming and shaming, negative.

FACTS!!!

@ Lin j..Sad when you realize decades later that the campaign of slander ,lies , and betrayal has been going on.

Precisely!

That is a good thing withdrawing for the other people 😁

I remember saying to my husband early in my marriage, "Life can't really be *that* bad." To which he replied, "Funny. I was literally just thinking that the life you describe can't really be that *good.* I really should have followed my gut instinct back then and run away. But I'm currently entertaining the idea that those years are not lost. What was meant for evil, God used for good. (I think that's Genesis 50:20.) I am already so much stronger than I ever have been before because surviving a Covert Narcissist abusive relationship has forced me to come to terms with my own issues. Just look at how strong and capable we can all become if we do the hard work! And if we survivors get strong and speak out, we will change how narcs mess with society. Society will be educated, see them for who they are, and hold them accountable. Yes, let's all do the work! Go, Team Healthy!

🎯🎯🎯

exactly

Yes. When I started saying no to my covert narcissist former friend, she started spreading rumors about me to anyone who would listen. She slandered and committed libelous acts all because I laid down boundaries. When I pointed out that I had grounds for a lawsuit (and that social media posts do count in a court of law), she was crapping herself. She tried to guilt trip me and asked if I would ever really sue a friend. My response: “I'm not talking about my friends. I'm talking about you.“ She was floored.

Not you at all!

Anytime someone would ask me for a favor from my husband. I told them to ask directly themselves because 99% of the time he would say yes. If I asked it was a hard NO. The only people he refused were his wife and child. But bent over backwards for a stranger. Drove me crazy.

Yes, I had familiar situations. He even would make me feel guilty if I would ask for help in these situations..

@@Justeet exactly! Like I was just an inconvenience

@@robinette64 yes, inconvenience or a burden :(

I didn't realize my wife of 36 years was a narcissist until she had an affair.

I always knew something was "off" with my husband of 33 years. But up until a few years ago, I could never figure out what it was, besides controlling. Then along came Dr C and BAM! I had my answer! Then I understood all of it very clearly. I left the marriage a month ago and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

💗

Same here...know you are not alone❤

36 years for me been free for over 3.

The narcs go to response to anything was always "nice". That was the end of the conversation. They have zero interest in anything except themselves.

Yes 100%! If they can't say something shitty they just don't say anything. When my parents saw the sweater I knitted my son they were like "Oh wow that's great I could never make something like that" and then just changed the subject. No curiosity about how I did it, just "oh nice" and move on. Then they saw something I had painted hanging up in my home and gushed about it, oh the colors! the composition! so interesting! until I told them I painted it and then they just "Oh ok" and change the subject.

I know i get that too never says anything sometimes when i get my hair done or nails

They just don't really Care unless it Concerns them, they are Manipulating or they are Gleaning information to use against you somehow...it goes down to a Place in your Soul that Only God can Cure and if you're Blessed A Good Mate!

OMG. So familiar..even one of my closest friends from teen years. She has very high level job in pharma industry and these are her exact responses. Its HURTFUL!

I hear you on that one! If you tell people about the Jekyll they would never believe you!

*chameleon Just like the lizard, they change "colors" right before your eyes! When people meet them or are around them, they believe the person is as they appear at that time, instead of it just being one of many "colors"/appearances that the narcissist puts on.

My mother does the same. Suddenly people are treating me funny and distancing themselves from me so I was more isolated and she could control me effectively.

It’s really scary how they switch their opinion of you in the same breath. I’d hear my mom get off the phone with my grandma saying she understands how I feel and that maybe I have a point on something she’s doing and as soon as she hung up the phone I’d hear her tell my brother how awful and selfish I am and tell him she just needs to get me out of the house asap. Then when I go downstairs she’s a victim again and begging me to help her with some task like grab her a pillow across the room or if I can put her socks on for her. It’s numbing and manipulative

Mine too, and my sister is continuing the process now mum is dead

At least your mom and dad see it. Mine cater to her every need and treat her like she’s royalty and never ask her to lift a finger or take any accountability. When I go no contact, I become villainized because she puts on this baby act and then it seems like I’m the one who’s lost my mind because I’m cutting off the cute little baby of the family. They know that under the baby act is a plotting calculating tactical gaslighting greedy selfish black hole who ropes everyone in to suck the life out of them and program them to get what she wants, they know it, they just choose to ignore it. Not I.

That’s what my mom did to miss crazy. More so when my dad died in 07. I only learned about narcissism last September 3 days after mom died. Knowledge is power.

@@cereal_qilla anyone who gaslights us for going no contact with evil needs also to be shown the door, parents or not.

@@raccuia1 Amen

@@raccuia1 so true! family or not! there only one life to spend in peace and it's short!

projecting their insecurities(people seeing their narc traits) onto you!

@Bluejay . .WOW you as well ? They interrupt your conversation , they have no attention span except for what turning into being ALL about THEM is about. Stoners and addicts are the worst.

@@crystalbluewire3339 👍🏻

So true

Yup. Sounds so familiar.

You just described my former friend. Once I had her dead to rights on all the slanderous and libeloue acts she had committed against me, I had her backed into a corner. I held her hostage on the phone as I took her to task on everything she had done. She was a liar and a crook. I had screenshots, emails, private messages, scan documents, everything. She was forced to listen under the threat that I was going to expose her all over social media for what she did. In addition to being a horrible person she was also a criminal. After all, a law is just another boundary they don't acknowledge or respect. Shortly after that final phone call, I found out from a mutual friend (whom I was fortunately able to wake up to her toxic ways) that she stuttered and spluttered in fear at the mere mention of my name. He thought it was odd and he never understood why she didn't want to discuss me ever again. Once I spilled the beans and told him to pay attention to how she behaved, he started to see the same patterns. He eventually went no-contact with her nearly two years ago and is still in the healing process.

Damn right.𑁍 Hope you heal from it all, I resonate with your comment☼︎.

I got rid of the covert narcissist in my life a month ago after an eight year relationship. I'm still feeling duped and hurt and dumb. I'll heal from it because I have a healthy network to help me, and I hope y'all find your way too. Thanks to Dr. Les for spelling it out so simply and so empathically.

I was ashamed of myself for having put up with all that crap for 24 years, but then I discovered Dr. C videos, and the precious comment section. I realized that I was not the only one, that we're not idiots, and that narcs are master manipulators. Shame on them, not on us.

Society as a whole needs to wake up to all this. Funny to think about what might happen then

@@theguaable Yes! These lessons need to be taught in all schools!

The word unfortunately is the key word to me u want to care but u have to withdraw just to keep your own sanity.

@@mikemcternan8249 Right, I think he meant “unfortunately” for THEM. They would like us to constantly be thinking about their crazy antics. It just made me laugh when he said that.

I shut down my covert narcissist former friend with one line: “You're not everyone's top priority and expecting everyone to treat you as such is why you have no friends.“ Of course, this led to her ending the call and then bombarding you with a series of grammatically incorrect, poorly spelled private messages, texts and emails where she had to argue her case (“Just touching base...” “just to clarify a few things...” “I thought you ought know...”) and get the last word. You know how it goes. After this happened several times, I started to realize how drained and spent I felt after interactions with her. When she was doing her petty silent treatment punishments, it was actually a welcome to vacation from all of her toxicity. I began to think about how she didn't have anything resembling a relationship with any of her living relatives. She had sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles and several cousins, etc. None of them maintain contact with her. Sometimes a person is the black sheep for a reason. Pay attention to the warning signs.

That is exactly what I experienced with my friend. I just thought she was a little odd. Well, she had a hard life, as she told me. She often had conflicts with relatives and friends. She lost jobs occasionally. She said it happened to her, she had no idea why. I seemed to be the steady element in her life. I was sure she respected and valued me as a loyal friend. Until a few years ago I found out she did not do that. On the contrary, she started to treat me like dr. Carter described in this video. I was often confused and asked myself what I had done wrong. Recently I had to cut ties as well for my own sanity.

I had to cut off 3 friends like this

I just cut off my relative because of this. Her mother is a grandiose narcissist and I wanted to believe her stories of how she wanted to be better but she has shown me for years that she is a broken woman. A covert narcissist and I cannot allow her to abuse me any longer. No matter how much love, care, or respect you give, they cannot return it. They only want to cause others pain. They are toxic and demonic entities for sure.

We were a couple for only 5 months, but still 6 months later, I'm not myself....

@@andersa3448 similar. I feel so frustrated...

I understand this. I was married to a sociopath for a decade & divorced in 2013. I’m still recovering from the gaslighting abuse...

After a lifetime of being gaslighted by a cousin who I looked up to as a sister, I began to connect the dots. My mother's classic expression was: "Are you sure??". She must've said that a hundred times a day when I was growing up And of course, I was never 'sure'. But when I noticed my cousin taking the 'other side' of whatever situation I was trying to explain, I began to wake up and say....hey! I've heard of this thing called 'gaslighting' and I think this is it! I made the mistake of sending her an explanatory email which she ignored. I haven't been in touch since . Thank you for educating us 'old folk'. If not for your videos, I would never have realized that gaslighting is an actual technique, even if unconscious. It's never too late to learn. I'm in my seventies and have been gaslighted all my life. But I'm beginning to wake up!! :)

@@susanadams3874 I didn't have the name for the technique either, but I recall a 'friend' who would unexpectedly undermine me, and if i confided in her about any difficulty she would run to that person and start drama against me. I physically felt 'weird' when it happened, I felt stunned and would try to clarify.... When you said "explanatory email" I had to laugh because I tried that so many times!

Yup. I know that well.

And their head begins to do a 360... 😉😉

Keep learning! That's why we're here! Dr. C

This is why I don't attend church anymore. Jesus and I get along just fine without the hierarchy of the church and all its damaged people trying to keep their social club going with YOUR money!

They not only don't change, they get worse!

@@hcombs0104 You are absolutely right!

What does he go do? Mine doesn't hold my hands but he stay in bed and asa I sleep off he goes downstairs for phone sex with his affair partner.

Oh no.

Congratulations on your new job. Wow, it’s hurts to live with who is so shallow.

Yes, congratulations on your new job. You deserve to be appreciated.

@@virginiaharvey thank you for this. Last night I called him out as gaslighting. Its funny now watching him squirm when I set my boundaries. Its causing my stomach to hurt to be this way.

@@Star-dj1kw thank you and another one the next day. I tell him and again, he says hmm.

@@tribblegirl2 thank you I appreciate you

It is a nightmare, and you sure are not alone. It's frustrating as there is no way to change them. My husband will gaslight about something, months later, gaslight about the gaslight! This is to annoy me, or make me fight by saying "so what's the truth" .... then it is silent treatment, or i'm crazy asking about this again....... well I know the truths.

They are not logical. They are not rational. They are not workable: they are very disregulated. Gaslighting is when they tell a lie to their target/victim/scapegoat to manipulate their victim's mind or life. Yes, gaslighting means it's a lie, but not all lies involve gaslighting. If they lie about their argument with their parent, that's not gaslighting. Gaslighting is what they do when they lie to their scapegoat/victim to mess with their mind or to manipulate them.

There are always 2 sides. Did you ask specifically what the mom "did?"

I felt the same 👍

Well done on getting that job! Must have been twice as difficult living with someone like that so double the achievement 👏👏 My mother is a terrible Narc and I only gained understanding through this channel and the comment section .

@CatherinePraus Congratulations on the job. That's awesome. My ex used to tell me that my job was nothing and he would be able to do it without any training as he was so smart. Minimizing our accomplishments is something they do well. Fortunately, we know differently!

Congratulations 🎉🎈👏👏👏👏 What rock does he live under? Getting a job these days is a major achievement!

Same here. Im working since years on forgiving myself for being "naive" while at the same time missing so many sides of my old "naive"self which was destroyed by her.

I'm thinking about studying psychology once I get all my bearings back. My narc family will be saying "see told you she was mental".

you are very lucky to a have a wise child- genrally children become like their abusers and abuse later on their mothers/fathers (who were a target from the beginning)

@@user-zy8gk2nn7d Thank you! It was my children who had to educate me. It was them that told me that their father didn't deserve me.... Having said that there was much confusion for many many years..

The malignant narcissist alcoholic ex I divorced recently would as predicted scheme to sabotage and ruin birthdays, celebrations, vacations,holidays ,etc..... If it wasn’t anything celebrating him he would Always triangulate bully and provoke Fights between us Especially my birthday and Mother’s Day where he would conveniently plot and plan something else for him to do or just leave and be gone all day on those days. Not only did he have lack of empathy or concern when my parents passed away or any moments where you would naturally assume your spouse or partner would be there for you but these horrible crisis moments of mine and my children’s lives were cues for his contemptuous sadistic deranged mind to strategize ways to punish us further by stonewalling and antagonizing fights not only with him but intentionally triangulating arguments between myself and my children Throughout the “marriage “ I would make fun plans for activities celebrations with others , we would receive invites to my friends and families parties, ,etc...and he would always reject them, yet he would tell everyone a victim sob story that always set me up to look like I was the one saying no or not wanting to plan something I am so regretful of so much life wasted on and so so much damage done by this malevolent person

@@Canaday291 Thank you for sharing. My marriage to a narcissist has had devastating implications. I can't put into words, I really can't.....

Mine just stopped celebrating all birthdays and holidays.

I have noticed that they actually looked at people with a curled lip of disgust and contempt for other people.

You can always leave. It might take years but it’s always a choice.

Yes! That's exactly it. I remember when my former friend, who was a covert narcissist, was spreading rumors that I was suicidal because of my father disowning me after I was outed (I later found out she was the one who outed me to him), she immediately tried to turn into the rescuer and tried to paint herself as my only ally. I didn't believe it because I had already seen extremely irregular behavior in her. That's just one example. They really do have a deity complex but the second it requires any real action from them, they turn into a ghost.

Mine said "We're incompatible." Then he made no efforts whatsoever to try to fix anything. He bitched about it often but did nothing to remedy it. And stupid me, I tried to change all that about myself, and my efforts were wasted because I was discarded anyway.

The moment anyone hears that they don't have a connection or that they're incompatible, or that the relationship isn't working, they should cut their losses and move on, leaving that "relationship" in the dust. The reason for those disconnects was never the fault of the scapegoat anyway. It's only a blame-game. If the jerks felt that way to say those things, they should have stopped wasting others' time. You can't change yourself to undo someone else's disregulation; it's not about you. Years can be wasted with these people, decades! Life is too short for their crap. One shouldn't have to hide their happy moments in order not "to pay." They don't deserve your company if they're going to be that way.

Yes, we are punished for being happy. It always drove me crazy. "Why does my happiness upset you?" "It makes you more annoying than usual." 😢 "What do you even like about me? " "....." That was the day I determined to leave.

Sounds like someone to keep your good times from. Shutty shutty.

Mine says the same thing and me trying to be nice asked him what we can do to connect again and then he said no it's you who is disconnected to me!! very interesting as an answer hun? I mocked him saying that I will find a way to connected to him

Anne, I came to the conclusion that it works this way : when the covert feels "safe" (meaning through emotional abuse they have worn you down enough) they turn overt. The Overt will behave covertly if not comfortable with a certain situation. Narcissists are cowards and nobody is suppose to figure them out. But we have, hurrah!

​@@mariaawake4502 It's also true sometimes that if they cannot break you covertly and you just won't react to their covert abuse and all the tricks they use, they will start using overt abuse. It can be also that something triggers them suddenly (might be that they have been feeling threatened for a while) and they start to use narcissistic rage against you even violently. Then they just keep on being grandiose to wear you down. They project their guilt back to you, blame-shift, rage, use word-salads etc. They try to bring you to the breaking point. When they get you to go crazy, they can act "normal" for a while, then they start the covert abuse (flashing their rage every now and then, though..) and finally you are back to totally overt abuse. It just goes on and on.. Finally you realize the pattern after having gone through it multiple times and get sick of it. Then you become free.

@@annehynynen8153 , yes I know this cycle all to well, too . Since I learnt to notice manipulative tricks - triggering wounds, word salads, snippy remarks etc. I am able to stay out of the circus. The narcissist I am dealing with does not show open rage , I suspect because of health problems. Some years ago , when I was worn down , because I did not know about narcissism, he behaved overt.

@@badlucksucks406 , Productive conversation? : "Brrr...I don´t do that ".

@@badlucksucks406 Exactly!!

Demon

So pleased it resonates! Dr. C

Yes!

But what do you do with the ones who refuse to give up?

@@wheelerpat8 discard them... Block them... And ignore them....

What a bizarre response

Is he your ex husband now?

P M, my mother was the same way. She never figured out that to get respect, you need to be respectable.

she can't take it anymore!

Mine too. 😖

My mother 💔

Just leave and never come back. You owe her nothing.

Wow, that is one of the most honest and best descriptions I have ever read. 💯Thank you!

Omg... this happened to me too. He actually returned a gift - a book that cost like $4 but related to something we had talked about, that I already had a copy of - because he had too much to read! Who does that? It was a special occasion too! I felt so bad but couldn’t even say anything in the moment.

The rest of it is very familiar too in the later part of my relationship...

Never would accept a gift! Good grief.

Of the five love languages (Gary Chapman's book) I most appreciate words of affirmation and quality time. I was surprised that recieving gifts was the lowest on most people's list.

I stil have nightmares about my narc boss a year later ;( He knew I knew and avoided all eye contct.

Wish you peace in healing, Ann.

@@krejados1 thank you so much. I'm touched.

I had one for 14 years. He was always hovering me. When I clock into work. Then stand there with his arms folded watching me doing my job. He was overbearing. I'm so glad I finally made a change and quit.

Exactly.

BIG BABIES 😍 THAT NEVER GROW UP!!!!!

@@donnafoley9684 It's like dealing with a difficult child 24/7.

Well said...on point.

You are spot on.

This is my mother, her sense of entitlement is painful. She is all of this and more, a passive-aggressive narc, she cuts you down with a smile.

I have read that some psychologists now think narcissism is a shell to protect the same underlying dysregulation and fear as bpd.

Me too Margo. I hope you have a support system. It leaves a hole in your heart.

Same here.

It's usually one word answers if the topic isn't them.

Me too... 43 years...

@@grammamarth6681 wow. 31 here

@@tna2me197 A kindred spirit :)

I walked away after 14 years. It was tough at first, but a few months of discomfort sure beats a lifetime of misery.

It is exhausting 😖

Not always "a male thing" with the low-key covert narcissist: my late mother was the Queen of the Gaslighters, gifted to Jedi levels in the deployment of the victim card and subtly shifting every situation to be all about her: she was the bride at every funeral and the corpse at every wedding (and yes, I said that accurately).

Same on all!! Spot on and well said. That little glimpse you get that lets you know what they really think.

@@semperfi818 bride at every funeral...well observed and stated. That is definitely the way the female version goes. The male is more alien robot I think. Again what a good line.

@@amandachilds5290 Not original with me (and I've long forgotten the source, alas) -- but sharply apropos enough to stick with me re the narcissist who did her level best to cripple this scapegoat, who clearly survived the worst she could throw at me and made it my business to use therapy as an adult to help me help myself heal.

Definitely not a male thing. My mother is like that 100% of the time.

Good luck on your journey!

What’s a vulnerable narc?

@@cereal_qilla same or about the same as covert. My ex was a covert, but I didn't experience him as vunerable, my mum is in my eyes also vulnerable. Maybe the diference is that he was way more aware of his behaviour than she. That's why I use both terms on my mum. To me it feels more accurate. I don't know if that is scientifficly rubbish, but i don't mind.

Similar here. I kept 2 Doc. files on my computer. I listed the blatant lies and abuse I suffered from my mother and sister (Doc 1) and my husband (Doc 2). Whenever I felt maybe it was my fault or maybe I should contact them or maybe there is something wrong with me, I read those docs. As time goes by, sometimes I forget some of what they did but when I read it again I resolve to stay away.

@@cereal_qilla a vulnerable narcissist is another name for a covert narcissist.

You sound like a vulnerable narc. The 'ungrateful'...

Is so funny how they like to call you crazy and that you need help. When they know for a fact the mental state they have put you through and they want to look like they’re so sympathetic.

In my situation there was always the tendency, but yeah, one day the selfpity began (possible B12 defiency) and it just got 2orse and worse. Gratitude was gone.

@@rondianderson4402 Yeah def I had many times like that. I found it very hard to find one little thing to feel grateful about. But down the line, I only really needed one good little thing to start the ball rolling in the right direction. They (narcs) make the grass look so much greener over there somewhere, and they make us feel like there is no hope for us, but really it’s not that green and there is always at least some tiny shred of hope. About as minuscule as it can get with narcs around seems like, but it’s still there. I think it’s a human tendency to have those self pitying feelings from time to time, but imo it is a trap to stay there too long. We all have times when we need to lick our wounds and understand the true magnitude of our pain. There does come a time down the road tho when it’s time to finally drop it. Mainly just Bcuz it staying there too long can become such a trap for us. Like quicksand. Def those of us who have had to deal with narcs would have the most claims to any self pity, but I just wanted to be able to get to some place where it wasn’t becoming habitual self sabotage for me. And for sure it took me long enough. I was close to 50 when I began to change my perspective about all of that. And granted also with a lot of working on myself as well. These things def take time and work and practice, that’s for sure.

I used to hear... excuse me, I think you've mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

Keep leaning forward, Laura! Dr. C

Laura,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌹,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!

Oh my goodness Yes!! Seems a plausible explanation at the time but it really is them saying: " I did not listen to you then because I do not respect or care about you much and when the other person said it I did listen to them and because I was not really listening to you before, I forgot you said the exact same thing to me first. Also that the other person's comment actually confirmed what you said did not make me respect your opinion more like a normal person would, so I also denied you validation whether on accident or on purpose and that makes me happy to know I got to screw you over a bit more regarding this topic." We readily make concession after concession until a time would go by and then he would use my words on someone else as if it was his own in front of me as to dare me to say something about it OR worse say it back to ME as if I did not remember those were my words, observations on feelings, etc and I would point it out to family or friends if it had been in texts especially to make sure I was not going insane. They would look confused like why would anyone do that and we would shrug and think brain tumor? That is part of the gaslighting and crazymaking. At the time you say it sincerely in the moment but they make you feel unheard or worse an idiot. Then for them to tuck it away to save for later, when it is to their advantage is bizarre at best, but in truth insidious as part of narcissistic pd is they sort of secretly want to be you and you be them and try to bend reality to fit this narrative. Mine would say merge and hug me too hard and laugh and at first I thought it some silly joke but as time went on I thought it creepy. The disconnect and selective amnesia that follows if you point it out that they are repeating your words, your truth, is mindboggling and futile. It becomes one more thing you make an excuse for and try to not let it bother you as you go on with life, but it compounds and builds up slowly, hidden, so when they do earth shattering things all the little traumas and surreal moments alluded to in this video burst forth like a volcano reminding you of all you put up with on a regular basis and for no legitimate or functional reason in the end. It was all a colossal waste of time and energy that sucked your life away and broke your soul. You did not realize it at the time but you were in purgatory or hell depending on the levels of abuse and like a prisoner of war you were slowly brainwashed into confusion and submission. I dis not even know what I wanted for years after snd people thought how can that be. Well, when you are trained to see that giving them what they want is the only way to survive you anticipate their wants and "put on their mindset" to avoid conflicts in turn becoming the absolute best personal assistant in the world as a defense mechanism. This is a type of codependency. When it ends you have to unlearn that, find you somewhere under the pile of rubble, under the depression and anxiety. The longer that went on ( decades) the harder it is, so in a way we did merge and not in a healthy way, not in the biblical way of 2 becoming one.

Whoa that exact scenario happened with my ex! He had "no memory" of our huge multi-day fight a week earlier when I called him out.

Oh yes! Same here. All the time.

@@amandachilds5290 They really do want to be you and you be them. I noticed what I call "character-swapping" years ago, is apparently gaslighting and projection, but they attribute your personality and good qualities to themselves with zero proof of ever actually being that way or behaving/knowing what those values mean, and attribute their qualities to you and treat you like those are your qualities. Like offloading, and like they're innocent. Want to be treated like the kind of person who actually has qualities deserving of being treated that way. They're actually lazy and want it for free, want it both ways, want it all. They want to abuse but also benefit in every way, especially when they don't deserve it, didn't lift a finger, worked against it, but you're still "supposed" to provide it, and it will be treated as if you didn't. This is where that energy vampire/parasite picture comes to mind. Or a Salvador Dali painting.

That happens all the time with my sister. I can tell her something 100 times in a effort to help her and then our dad mentions it once and suddenly it's the best idea in the world and she's totally on board with it. I figure it's because she's desperate for his approval and I couldn't care less about achieving that!

that was my parents. my stepdad was the loud malignant narc and my mom was the quiet, plotting, secretive covert narcissist

My husband worked nights and always complained about the noise level of myself and the 5 year-old. (If I opened the fridge, the sound woke him). So, I started spending Saturdays at my mom's house. He got angry that I spent the only day we were both home away from him. Sigh, no win situation.

I had no idea until I googled “silent treatment”. I had known grandiose narcissists, they always yelled, silent treatment was new to me. It appeared in lists of other abusive behaviors of toxic narcissists. I actually got the shakes and had a pounding heart for hours when it all dawned. She sat in the other room looking haughty while I laid in fetal position. Now I don’t try to reason or be heard, it’s a relief not to try anymore. I just humor her day to day, like a cat.

Exactly..I started to even look for an updated picture of the bish it was so accurate.

Then they punish you as if you should have all figured out.

Exactly! I just thought he was quiet and soft spoken. He listened, gave feedback and seemed to really care in the beginning. He was the LAST person I thought could be a narc. I always felt unsettled, like something was missing. I couldn't take the ups and downs anymore and kicked his ass to the curb. He had the audacity to say, " have a wonderful day" as if he was a freaking customer service representative who just helped me with my phone service. What a complete weirdo.