"I'm not going to allow a damaged person to dictate who I'm going to be" - brilliant!!!

One of the hardest things I’ve had to accept is that my mother’s love is conditional.

These narcissists always have a sense of entitlement, consistently lying about anything and everything. They will use you for their individual needs. They will blame you for all their wrong doings. They expect you to go above and beyond, but never appreciate you. This expert is completely accurate in everything he is talking about. God bless you always! 💗

Notice how they never ask about how you are. Never ask you any questions really.

Brother, the entire video was great, but that last part was absolutely awesome! "I cannot allow this person with all that damage, dictate the person that I am in this life/world"! Best statement EVER! Thanks. God bless you and yours, kind sir.😁🙏👍

It took me a long time to understand that the reason he seemed irritated or chronically dissatisfied with all the kind things I did for him, until I realized he only does for those he wants something from. Therefore, everything you do for them is seem the opposite of the way you intend. You wanted to make them feel loved, and they feel cornered into reciprocating. And once you lose your star status of novelty, they don’t feel compelled to do anything for you.

They burn all their bridges. One of my friends said that. It's true. They make enemies. They roar through the lives of others like a twister and cause everything to flip upside down and then they go off and do it again.

Happy Halloween 🎃 Not many topics scarier than narcissism 😱

However, if attacked by multiple narcissists , the victim develops a lack of trust

" The narcissist is operating from a damaged position " Just hearing that line brought healing to me. Thank you ! Great insight.

You are great, this has helped me more than anyone on youtube probably concerning this topic

Self-entitled, grandiosity, manipulation, control

I must compliment your style of delivery. I've watched tons of vlogs especially in the early days of wtf. Now limiting to a select few creators I find it fascinating to still hear key words that still give an Ahh hah moment. "They don't cultivate relationships, they only cultivate assests." How gold is that ! It seems to me that even after a year of no contact, one still seeks words that validate. I only had one person ( a relationship after becoming a widower ) that I can say became the biggest mental disturbance, even counting the deep grief of loss, that I ever had. Your screwed as soon as you love them. But it was not real love. It was rebounding in the most naive way. But no sympathy for either is sought. I had the best then got blindsided by the best. Narc/ borderline abuse teaches you this line well , "You only receive the amount of disrespect you allow to happen". Your vlogs are highly valued. Thank you.

An asset, not a relationship person... Wow. That's how I felt all these years.

Childlike, exhausting, downright waste of energy! 🏃🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♀️

I agree you have to align your expectations with their capabilities. They have a severely impaired capacity for compassion, understanding, selflessness, empathy. When you understand they operate in the absence of those things you can detect the intention and agenda behind the words and actions - and not internalise their criticism. Logic tells you that they place little value on cultivating an equally beneficial relationship but one where they prosper at your expense. It’s upsetting when it’s someone close to you but understanding is the beginning of healing. Love this series because it helps people not think they’re crazy and feel less alone dealing with a one sided relationship that they can’t fully abandon for one reason or another 👍

This is why my Narc has “lots of friends” when they are actually just drinking buddies. LOL😁

Very concise and insightful. Helpful to realize I don't have to be someone I don't want to be, just to have peace with the narcissist. Recognizing limitations and realistic expectations puts it into perspective.

Basically the best way to deal with Narcissists is to avoid them. If you have to be in their company make noncommittal responses and start moving away. The irony is that the only way to get through to them is to be disinterested in them . They love you to agree with them, they get angry when you disagree with them but they can take it but it kills them when you make it clear that you couldn't care less what they say or do. I know this from experience in dealing with an extreme case. Thanks for validating what I ended up doing.

Another great explanation of Narcissists traits....I wish I would have known this while being in the tornado....but thank God I have survived going thru to the ending of the marriage....Thank you Dr. Carter!

I just finished watching all of your videos, and I got something significant from every one. You have such clarity into this subject. Where were you 50 years ago when I really needed the help, haha!

6th perspective of they don't care about why or to understand the situation at a deeper level. Proverbs 18:2 “A fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart may discover itself.”

It's all about one-up-manship!

Trust issues also come from narc. abuse. It's hard not forgetting. Last guy that was chasing me flattered something fierce. I did a background check and found he'd beat up his last lady friend and was wearing one of those ankle monitor deals. When I confronted him with my find he tried to lie and flatter me. Trust issues are ingrained when your suffered from former abuse.

Re love:. I've noticed mine requires/demands unconditional love from me with no reciprocity.

Very, very helpful, thank you Doctor Carter! I find that it took me forever to understand that the incapacity to take in any input that sounds or feels different from their set of beliefs, or just does not agree with them, is not a difficulty or even a tendency but an absolute impossibility. Not only are narcissists not interested in anything that they don't believe in but they tend to despise it and the people who hold those beliefs with it. At best they feel condescending or sorry for you, or they may outright end up despising you or hating you for it. They may not show it when they want to win you over or with people they need to keep around for whatever personal needs they may have but sooner or later, they WILL do everything they can to rip that principle or value or interest of yours right out of your heart, letting you know how incredibly wrong and stupid you are, if you are their victim.

May God Bless you, Dr Carter. i am at a crossroads in life; your words set me free. Thanks Be to God!

I totally agree. No damaged person is going to dictate me who I am going to be. I am responsible for my life.

Perspective is like seeing a whole other galaxy you didn’t know was there to see. Brilliant video! I appreciate the sound logic you present in your channel. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I want to have a meaningful marriage relationship, but I think that is impossible at this point. After 39 years of marriage, I just want to give up, but I keep trying. I just hope young people watch your videos so they can learn about NPD and run when they see it. Keep up the good work.

Thank you so very much Dr you are helping me in so many ways!! You are truly appreciated so much!!

I'm so happy I found this channel!

I'm a little stuck on the issue that some of the attitudes you explain are exhibited by a narcissist can also be exhibited by a victim of narcissism as a defence mechanism. Being affected by a narcissist does not mean that you necessarily become one, but surely some of the traits (such as emotional distancing and refusing to change etc) are also "walls" that a victim puts up when exposed to a narcissist daily.

You can never ever give them enough. According to them " they are entiled to everything you have. "

This man deserves a nobel peace prize for all his work on Narcissism! I've been binge watching his videos for over a week now... My narc is giving me the silent treatment, after bombarding me with daily texts since we met 2 months ago. I feel like I'm coming up for air after being drowned!

Thank you so much for this. Such excellent counseling. This helps me not to be so broken hearted.

Understanding the "why" of why narcissists do what they do, helps me make peace with their actions. I forgive them. I move on with my life. I move onto more positive, kind people. I promise anyone who's reading this that there are so many kind people in the world.

Scary realizing every single subject you spoke on, I could tell you about an incident recently occurring in my life with my narc.

You're describing my Narc to a tee. He was pushed into being an overachiever to gain acceptance from his Father. He is also completely obsessed with his body, and physical improvement, in my opinion because it helps him to cultivate the sense of superiority over everyone else he meets that he needs to overcome his insecuriities. He has a multititude of "Assests", but very few true friends, and when I've talked to him about what the elements were in true friendships I've had in the past, he is genuinely confused and appears to not understand how such friendships could work. He can only express gratitude for anything by making promises to do things for you, that he has no intention of ever doing, and then if you ever try to call him on his lies (expose his flaws) he lashes out in absolute fury. Thanks for this series of videos. For those of us who can't walk away from out Narcs (I work with mine), they help greatly in providing guidance on how to deal with, and survive these people.

So on spot, I tried everything to help him, now I know better. I've become educated, finally had to realize I deserve to be happy.

“I’m not going to allow a damaged person, dictate who I’m going to be”. THIS is the key. Right in one sentence.

Thank U For Sharing I Remember Back When This Guy I Was Dating A Narcissists He Was In The Hospital And I Went 2 The Hospital And Bought Balloons Took Him Money And I Left It With The Nurse Which Was Delivered To Him He Did Not Text To Say Thank You Narcissists Never Appreciate Anything You Do For Them They Are Very Selfish.

Agreed Dr. C, I feel that when a narc says love. It is based on more of a public image in front of the family and friends. Never feels genuine and empty.

It should be a crime how evil they are and the destruction they cause on their dark paths in life. My narcissistic alcoholic ex husband continues to cause so much irreversible damage to me and my kids.

"Narcissits do not cultivate relationships." I just heard that in a totally new way, as if I had not known it before. But I have, do I ever! One of my long-time narcissistic "friends" (alas, I had many of that sort) still from university times wrote long letters to me about herself, like a kind of diary (I had boxes full with them), without ever asking about me or commenting on my letters, but still she considered me her "friend"all those years. I did not know how to get out of it. As we got older, I got so frustrated, I started to point out her behaviour to her - which enraged her. As time moved on, she would hardly ever respond to my e-mails either, I could as well not have written them. In fact, she had the nerve to tell me that she tended to "accidentally" erase e-mails on a regular basis, so I had to live with that. No apologies of course. When she would finally attack me for not writing (although I had), it got really insane. I explained to her in a detailed way what had gone wrong, she gave me blank stares as if she did not hear me. When I finally stopped corresponding, she wrote to me that she found it tragic and unfair that I would end such a long "friendship" (over 30 years), without any dignity. Everything I tried had been in vain. I realized she never knew me. What a hard life-lesson that was, very disillusioning. Could it be that simple, that narcissists just don't know how to relate, how to be grateful (my gifts were ignored too)? But it's true, I have been there - and more than once. Have dealt with this in therapy, thank God, but I got reminded through this excellent video.

Thanks. It's hard to understand when the narcs we deal with come from good families, but yet they are really awful people themselves.

The emotional disfunction involved is mind blowing

He does at times seem very grateful and even humbly admits his shortcomings..but he quickly forgets that in a few days

The way you articulate all your posts amazes me. It's so easy to understand and I'm never left with questions after. Thank you for doing this.

Great title. They, we all need to know how lacking they are. Delusional needs for power at the expense of the rest of us civil people. Ego is out of control, knows no boundaries. It's open season on everyone else.

I have this one saved and watch it periodically just to remind myself of what I’m truly dealing with. Every time the recycling begins this gives me the strength to move forward to what I truly deserve. And what I deserve is not a hollow, damaged shell of a person, incapable of giving. You almost used me up narc, but self preservation kicked in. Thank God!

Currently my elderly narcissist says..."I want to do......" but what she really means is "I want YOU to do...." and she commonly calls everyone else a narcissist among other names. Another thing she does is a form of passive aggresive behavior when we look at something I will hand it to her and she will not take it, or when it's time to give something back after she looks at it, usually she won't hand it over or she will not let go of it when I try and take it. Really weird way to exert control I guess! For 30 years she's never changed. Everything you say is something she exhibits, and is spot on. Great post Dr. C.!

Thank you for another great video Dr. Carter. You keep me strong.

My ex wanted so bad to dictate who I should talk and should not. Indeed, I refused to following his rules and said “ Who are you to dictate who I should talk or not? Unlike you, I am not a drug addict, I do not have money issue, I do not have hygienic issues, and the list goes on”!! Are you out of your mind? B***, please!” Then, he accused me of harrassing people around him, because truth to be told, he was scared of people knowing my version of his despicable behaviour. I learned SO much after finding this chanel. From now on, the tinest sign of narcissism in anyone around me, I just run away from them! Life is too short and there has been so much good in my life to waste time and energy on these demons. 🙏🏻 Thanks again Dr. C!

one of the reasons that I find it is exhausting being with an narcissists is that we always have to be cautious of our behaviour towards them - we have to kind of rein in our emotions or responses to something inappropriate they do or say! We were on a road trip, he was doing everything except driving carefully because, of course, he is a multitask master. I finally lost it when he drove steering with his knees, fiddling with the GPS, the radio, whatever. Well my great sin was that i dared raise my voice and he was very angry with me....then the silent treatment, then sometime later bringing up by very bad lapse. I think I almost ended up being apologetic and saying that I was scared of the dangerous driving.

I never knew what I was going through with my girlfriend until I started listening to your KZfaq videos. On point with almost (95%) of the explanation . I have learned so much from you! I thought it was all me. Thanks again!

If only this video was viewed or made possible before I dealt with a ‘cancerous’ narcissist - damn, it would’ve saved a lot of pain.

Wow again this just absolutely stuns me with how accurately it describes my parents and extended family. So many mysteries and memories all explained now. Thank you Dr. Carter for sharing another great video and spreading the truth and light

When I was a teenager I was given a kitten 🐈‍⬛ at school and a “not a friend “ “boyfriend “ killed that kitten and I had a lot of trouble trusting after that , I remember that last night and today, that non friend taught me how to be way more careful of who I trust and who I don’t , so I forgive him and I’m thankful of what I learned

It makes me sad that someone I love so much can be so bad of character. I chose to give up empty promises for soulful solitude. I can't keep being damaged by a damaged person.

taking notes on your content. it’s life changing, thank you!

Thanks for sharing your knowledge, Dr. C! It's sad all that damage and dysfunction made the narcissist how they are...song lyrics go 🎵🎶" he can't even run his own life. I'll be damned if he runs mine....oh, oh sunshine!"🎶🎵🌞

I know a narsist who showes up himself as a super sensitive person blaming the others how much they constantly hurt him

Yes. Their love is extremely conditional. I changed self, developed destructive coping skills, subconscious subtleties, without realizing. I'm trying to unravel the automatic reactions which I've developed. He's right. I'm wrong. He's good. I'm bad. He's sane. I'm crazy. I cannot survive without him. He's the biggest fan of my Insecurities, Anxiety Disorder & PTSD. I've developed some self-sabotaging coping skills. HELP! LOL.

I detached (for good) about 10 years ago, always wondering if I'd made the right decision. Thanks to Dr. Carter's videos, it turns out I did. My parents are the King and Queen Narcissism. It was one thing when they did what they do to me. But when they started on my husband and then my children, I cut bait.

These videos help me so much! Thank-you, Dr. Carter!

My narcissist loved me as long as I did as told. As long as I followed him around like a little puppy. Both of us are older. He's used to rise at 5:30. Have breakfast at 6 and walk his dog. I sleep in till 8. At a Caribbean resort breakfast opened at 7 a.m. He made a lot of noise early mornings to wake me. At 7:15, 'aren't you ready yet?; I don't like to get up early, neither do I like to eat early. By day 3, he ended up going for breakfast on his own. The narcissist will not change their habits. They will not change their ways. I tried. Because I did not comply, I was told that I am difficult, bossy and too independent.

I really needed to hear every single word that you said here Dr. C. I've been struggling with seeing the Narcissist's in my life through the lens of my own normalcy, yet knowing in my own mind that what has been said to me, and the ways these folks have and continue to act toward me, are anything but normal. Self-doubt kept creeping in for me, however I can now accept this, and feel now that I continue on in my life with Objectivity rather than Subjectivity, and I can't tell you how very much I truly appreciate that you explained the differences between these "methods" as well!!! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you from the Bottom of my Heart Dr. C. Sending Blessings to you and yours from Ontario, Canada 🍁

I literally asked my last “partner” if he was ever in love with either of his last girlfriend/wife (both whom he was with for a very long time) because his behavior to me was so cold and I was having such a hard time understanding his apparent lack of desire to get to really know me. His response should have been enough : he was so flustered and literally could not answer. He hemmed and hawed and said something like , “I don’t know, I mean what doe that mean anyway ?” I was aghast that he did not KNOW whether or not he was in love or not with his last girlfriend whom he was with for SIX years and lived with !! They truly do not know the feeling of love and view the relationship as a practical means of getting what they want.

Now imagine the person he's talking about is your mother! Mommie Dearest, anyone? Joan Crawford was a school book example of one! Truly scary, and leaves such children emotionally scarred for life.

THANK YOU, Les ! This totally connected the dots on so many things that I thought were specific to the 'N' I just ended a relationship with, yet hadn't associated with the entire 'N' mindset. Thank you again for ALL this content you've blessed us with, Les -- It's HELPED GREATLY in de-programing from 'N' abuse and the labyrinth of twisted mindsets that I've been dealing with over the past 2+ years. God Bless you Sir !

Sooo true! OMG, You are either Friend or Enemy..I refer to my Narc Sis to having a Good List or Bad List. Dr Carter is thorough in his knowledge. Once again Spot ON!

Thank you Dr. Les Carter, watching your videos over the past few days has really strengthened my healing from interacting out of alignment with my truth. This really helps me walk through the narcissist's shoes and realise there's always that option for the narcissist to soften and heal, not that I will stick around waiting for that to happen anymore.

It took me years and years to understand this! I still learned some stuff from this excellent video! Sad that a handful of individual and relationship therapists had no clue!

Really appreciate your way of explaining the narc nature from how they grow up in lack of something crucial to become an empathic being.👍that way Ppl can learn to be aware of their own narc traits without so much shame. When being thorough and professional like this u contribute to a culture of less stigma and tabloid expressions about especially antisocial personality disorders. Just bought «when pleasing you is killing me» and I really really recommend it! Language is easily accessible and the exercise parts make one be very concrete and real about the prosess of healing✨❤️✨

What an “aha” moment this was for me. For the most part, I’ve already seen (and I understand) all of these “perspectives” discussed here, after being married to and observing my (ex) husband over the past 20+ years. However, having it all put together like this, spelled out like this, was truly incredible. I see HIM (and exactly how he lives and approaches life) in every single one of these “perspectives.” I fought against this for many years. When person after person after person suggested to me yrs ago that my husband is a full blown narcissistic, I tried so hard NOT to believe it. But, truth is truth, whether I wanted to acknowledge it or not. I finally did acknowledge it and wow, EVERYthing suddenly became so much clearer. Sadder but also clearer. This was very helpful - thank you.

i have always been live and let live, which seemed diametrically opposed to my ex-wife, who seemed to want to control and inevitably punish when that control failed. It always seemed odd that she gave her happiness away so easily, but it reflected the lack of feelings of love and warmth. Through my marriage, I learned that without trust, real intimacy was very difficult.

You truly , truly help me and give me so much strenght. You inspire me ( truly, again) to use my knowledge, experience, compassion, warmth to not only heal myself ( I am already out) - but to be a force of support, healing, giving tools for others. I hope you know how important you are . I wish I could meet you. I am a swede in germany, though :( Let me know if you are in Berlin at some point!

Excellent vid Doc. One of the best I've heard. 😊👌

Exactly right Dr, C. My father was a huge Narcissist. I always thought it was weird that he did not have the word "why" in is vocabulary when speaking to me but I did not understand as a young person. He thought he already knew all the answers. Did not care about the "why". Listening to your videos I now understand. As I said , I wish I had the chance to watch "Surviving Narcissism"videos many years ago.

Wow Dr. Les! This is one of your best videos yet. I wish I had known all this when I was in the thick of it with my now ex-wife/ malignant narcissist. It is still so helpful though in the healing process to be able to say “that’s what it was”.

I want to thank you personally for what you do here in your channel. You have literally awakened me, enlightened me. Amazing work! Thank You

Great video... Much appreciation. From my experience no contact is best, then feed your soul. Be healthy as you can and be kind to others.

I never finish to appreciate the gift my patients left me including some pain for being a good profesional.

I think this is why I felt sorry for him bc it’s not his fault. It makes me sad not angry and I want to get to the anger part so I can heal. He knew something was wrong and at times would ask the “why” but I think they are so lazy to go there they just stay In their cycle. I just want to shake him and say wake up!!!!

Some Narcissists do things for you n others to use it against you later. I feel like they take out everything on their partner to and it's almost sickening how much they believe that's normal. So toxic.

I told My narc aunt she was miserable, unhappy and jealous....lol. I thought she was going to shoot through the roof. I totally went no contact with her after that. Then the next time I saw her she lost about 300 lbs. 😂😂😂. Hmmmm, I wonder what motivated her to look inward at herself for a change instead of constantly tearing me down. Of course she will never admit any wrong doing. I’m glad I’ve ended my dysfunctional relationship with her. If I knew what I know now about this disorder I would have tore her about three new ones. But due to my lack of knowledge that was all I had at the time.

Another excellent video. Thank you. I can see myself using these tools to deal with a narc at work or perhaps in my social circle; someone with whom I have no emotional connection. But, I found it difficult if not impossible to be "objective" with the narcs in my family of origin when I was having regular contact with them. There was just too much hurt over too many years. And, they knew me too well. They knew exactly how to push my buttons and they would keep pushing until they got the reaction they wanted. They were relentless in their cruelty. But, I still think you provide a lot of useful information. The one exception was the last time I spoke with my mother. We hadn't spoken in two years and I guess the distance had enabled me to actually be more "objective" than usual. Bless her damaged heart. She tried so hard for over an hour to get a reaction out of me. But, I was able to remain completely non-emotional. Then, suddenly, with no warning or reason at all, she said she had to hang up. I think it was because she was frustrated. She couldn't get the reaction (supply) that she wanted. So, what was the point in continuing the conversation? We haven't spoken since and life is good. I love my mother and always will even though she'll never be able to love me. But, it's better to love her from a safe distance.

I've been binging on these videos. Workshop next! You are truly Inspired by a higher being. God bless you.

Just explaining a narcissist being and behavior is so hard, but you made it so easy to understand!

So helpful, thank you for this video.

Thank you for your wisdom. You are right on!!

I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate your ministry. God led me here to find help for the man I love and teach me how to respond in a loving way to his painful past. So many good traits are in him, and so little security. Please pray for us. God bless you

OMG.. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OPENING MY EYES.

Lately, I have got the feeling I do not know anymore who I really am, used to be and would like to become again. It is not going to be easy to rebuild my self-respect and the person I used to be. Where to start? Maybe, focus on people who see me the way I used to see myself before.....

I'm so happy I found your channel! I have had a strange feeling about one of my co workers, but it's all been hunches. Two days ago now I had an argument with him and the true colors came out. Your videos really helped me and they will also help me in the future with spotting and handling these type of people! Thank you Sir, thank you!

Very good video....with many great points! I especially liked the part where you said, "I cannot let this damaged person dictate the person that I am going to be." I spent my whole life trying to please my narcissistic mother (who has a VERY brutal, caustic tongue), and I finally realized that nothing would please her. Some people do not need to have children...especially the narcissists! They have no nurturing skills nor empathy.

Thank you for helping me understand Superb behavioural synopsis

I have been watching many of your videos over the last few months. Thank you so much for giving clarity to my life.

Dear Doctor, every time I hear your splendid talks I am more and more convinced you are an authority on a world scale in the sphere of Narcissism, of this I am in no doubt. Alas I only can wish in hindsight that I could have had your wisdom some many decades ago: I am seriously damaged by a cruel narcissistic father. It is almost as though you knew him personally, from the accuracy of your descriptions in this video. I am so grateful to you for making sense of my father, albeit late in my 7th decade. Thank you from deep down, I am sincerely grateful to you.