Trust your instinct. If your instinct tells you something is off about a person, even if you can’t put into words what it is, trust it. Your instinct can protect you from the best, most convincing liars.

One of the hardest things about narcissistic abuse is that it's culturally invisible. You can't talk directly about how a narcissist is destroying your relationships without people either having no idea what you're talking about or thinking that you must be the problem. From my point of view, I see posts repairing relationships and moving on all the time, as if that could ever happen if you're dealing with a narcissist. It makes me sad that narcissistic abuse patterns are so poorly understood.

Dated my ex 4 yrs, was fun, attentive, my family loved him. After the wedding, I thought "Who are you?". Never saw the 1st guy ever again. All an act.

Patience is your ally Great advice, fake people get tired quickly, you'll see cracks even if they kept the act for long time

It often feels like being stuck on a merry-go-round that you can’t get off of ...

Played like a fiddle by a covert narcissist...Can't say it will happen again, yet I still watch videos like this to ensure this won't be the case. Thanks to these videos it is possible to disentangle this experience. Thank you Dr C!

Try to meet his mother. You can learn a lot from their mothers. My husband has a narcissistic mother and father. How could I expect him to not be too.

They gather information from you to use it against you later.

I always called it being phony..

Good remark regarding scepticism. I used to be quite gullible, believed everything people told me. So naive. "Integrity? What's that? I thought all people have it".

In my studies I learned a fantastic question to ask a person when they attempted to put me down using the tactic of passive aggressiveness. After they do this, I simply ask them very poliitely, "Excuse me, was that put down? Sometimes I've had to repeat it twice, as they were totally thrown off guard. Now they had two choices..They could take it back, or own it.

My Chameleon wanted arm candy...I was that...I made him look normal as well..Those Narcissist should never have kids...

It's not that narcissists; "care so much about themselves..." They do not actually care about themselves, at least that would make some sort of sense - they don't have a 'true self' at all - they are completely chameleon-like because in their childhood their controllers did not allow them to have a true self, only fulfill the wants of their controllers - if their controllers wanted a 'money-maker' for example then the narcissist is ultra fixated on ways to make money and so that's what they set about to accomplish.

The ultimate facade. You never know what personality you're going to get

sometimes i wish that people were like movies and would come with a 30-seconds trailer that showed me the gist of what i was getting into! What boggles my mind the most is how my guts always knew there was something wrong with this friendship but i just didnt wanna listen, i really wanted to think i had finally met somebody on the same wavelength as me and therefore i was on the way to greatness lol... but then it made me realise that i had a severe lack of self-love so i guess i grew up a little bit from it

This explains a lot. In the past nearly everyone finds my (soon to be ex) husband the nicest, most considerate, caring, and empathetic guy; Except he's not to me. I wondered why it seems he is all ears and empathy for everyone but me. I was convinced I am to needy, to jealous, to insecure, to emotionally unstable. It's been an act and he's been grooming me. Due to his actions I currently have lots of police interaction they all want to know why I stayed. I've told them, " I'm a boiled frog. As in how do you boil a frog? You put it in a pan of cold water and slowly turn up the heat."

The more my eyes have opened. The more fearful I am of people!!!' Dogs are loving

They all start off sugar and spice and everything nice and then their masks starts to quickly fall off the more you’re around them.......never fails.

They act into you by asking all kinds of questions but your answers are just ammo they will use to get what they want out of you. From the first day I met my Narc he never left my side. He moved smooth and fast before I had time to think twice. I wound up marrying mine thinking he was my soul mate but as soon as he knew he had me he began to change.

Every person or group he absorbs and becomes. I actually feel I inadvertently made him far more skilled at manipulating a whole new demographic. These people are a living nightmare.

You can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves......ain’t gonna happen, nope, never!!!

Yes, it can be very confusing leaving you to wonder what is wrong with them. I was thinking split personality, but this makes sense. Thanks

Thank you kindly. I truly hope you realize how many of us you literally are saving our lives. You are beautiful.

Yes, he did the same. Said, he cheated on a former partner and that this wasn't his best "moment". That woman died in the course of their relationship. Now, he acts like the poor widower, who regrets it, because, of course, he never told her. Not that he didn't do the same with me and others. They are liars!

We worked opposite hours & only saw each other on weekends, so it took a while to see my ex's true colors. Did crazy making things. It's amazing how they make you question your own sanity. Thankful for videos like this. I never knew what a narc was, but now I feel I have an advanced certificate!! Knowledge is power!

Thanks for your channel! One thing I've noticed is that a manipulative person will pick up on the fact that a person is kind and reasonable and create a kind of chaos knowing that with their drama, and being nasty you'll try and bring civility to the argument or situation. This is a kind of manipulative counterbalance with their chaos you'll try and bring calmness to the situation, that's how they get what they want.

If you have any children Dr. Carter, they are very blessed to have you as a father!!! Children need more father's like you to guide and protect them! God bless you Dr. Carter! You stepped up to the plate and said I WILL!!!! :)

Mine would shape shift. It was bizarre. There were many times where I was like, Who dis??

Great input and advice. Narcs mirror potential supply and will be interested in what you say you are into. One way to flush them out is to ask questions. For example I met a guy I saw this warning sign in after divorcing the narc. Just like the narc did, if I like it he liked it. I like to cook and wouldn't you know it so did he! Travel was an interest, amazingly him too. Likewise with my greatest passion, music. By then I was catching on so I mentioned a Metal band I'm into and he loved them too! Only then I said, "Which album was your favorite?" Uh-oh. The wheels were turning. He finally was able to name one or two songs. Then I said, yeah I like those songs too but I mean which album, not songs. He said, "Oh, I don't really know the names of albums just their songs." Right, I bet you don't because you're full of it. To be sure I said, "I like their "Ride the lightning album." (Metallica) Which songs on that album do you like? He couldn't name ANY. That's how you bust the chameleon narc. Ask for specifics. They'll blank, get irritated or change the subject. GOTCHA!

I have always felt despised by my narc parent for being a questioning kid. I have always challenged her but i mean not intentionally. It is as if she has always sought revenge on me for instinctively being unable to be submissive. It's not on purpose that I have never been able to do it her way, even at birth. She wanted me delivered in the hospital but apparently I didn't, instead I was born in the car on the way. For me that's symbolic, that because of that I became known to her as some kind of an enemy child. The attacks are always passive aggressive, only always between her and I that nobody else can pick up on. There is a particular skill in the abuse that if I try speak of it to anybody I can't. There's something in her "I love you" which sounds like it's from a story book or, to be more precise, a study guide.. There has always been something telling me that something isn't quite right or genuine in her affection.

Your saying to yourself....."what the hell happened here"....something is wrong i just dont know what it is...

THese people are incredibly convincing and very hard to detect. They read you and respond in a way to make you like them. Watch their eyes, if they ask a question about you, when you answer, they appear to stop listening, or tune out, if you see this the person may not be really interested in your answer and it could all be a rouse. If someone seems to good to be true....................? Question it, Many many people put on fake personalities.

When I first moved into my current residence my landlord was so nice and she shared everything so I thought wow I am gonna share too but now I realized that wasn't a good idea as she is very condemming and judgemental. Your live and learn

"They're not looking for relationships, they're looking for assets..." Exactly! That's exactly what I've experienced with these types. Thank you for putting that into words! One thought I had serious money due to a small inheritance, and they were just soooo sweet and the whole mirroring thing, even sent me flowers, thoughtful cards. But then when they realized I told the truth about the "small" matter or windfall, poof! I was suddenly a lowly toad, beneath them and worthless. Ouch, but okay. On with life. They're shameless.

Spot-on. One time my mother told me I was incapable of a simple banking task, as she was gifting a tax-exempt account to my son for his college tuition, and that my husband would have to show me the ropes. I reminded her that I have a master's degree in finance. I was stunned at the time, but her need to be superior to me was complete and total. It covered all aspects - how I parented, who I married, how I ran my household, my physical self, etc. When I called her out on it, she did all the gas-lighting, denial, that I misinterpreted her, etc. I'm done with her, finally. It took 50 years, but I managed to cut it off.

My narcissistic boss has been really nice lately. She didn’t yell at me in a situation where she would have typically lit into me. She’s been collaborative and listening. To top it off, we just had a branch retreat in having “crucial conversations”, which involves vulnerability and seeing other points of view. She talks a good game. And I was just sitting there thinking to myself, “who *are* you?”. I am maintains my skepticism, because I have burned by this routine. We have a new employee in our group, so this might be for that person’s benefit.

Just a couple of months into dating, we had a minor disagreement that led us to the brink of breaking things off during which he said “I was counting on you! Now I have to start all over,”. The warning flags went up for me and though we dated for several more months, I was on guard and he ultimately realized I wasn’t going to go along with his plans and bowed out. Thank goodness.

May you be blessed. These videos are helping do many people avoid, and learned from, narcissistic people and relationships.

A young person, you may question their behaviors as, 'maybe they haven't matured enough'. An older person, you may think they behave a certain way due to loneliness or desperation. The older I get the more I tend to question people's motives. Mt Trust issues are getting deeper instead of better. I never dreamed it would come to the point when I would say..... I'm safer and better off being a crazy cat lady! Lol.

Mine kind of warned me. One if the only things she said was people find me hard work because I'm too nice. LOL. It's been horrific. DR C . you have been essential for me. Forever in your debt for what you do. Good luck good people.

One thought that occurred to me is that while I've sometimes caught myself being a chameleon, it's not because I was being insincere, but because I frequently find myself in partial agreement with multiple sides of controversies, so it's easy to play up agreements and play down disagreements.

Thing is they "appear" to care on the empathy level you were talking about, but when it comes to the action part of the so called caring, they have trouble putting the rubber to the road so to speak on the action part.

The Bible says..."bad company corrupts good character." I have found this to be true. Sadly, those of us who grew up with a narcissistic parent are rather like chameleons, too. We try to be whatever the narcissist wants us to be...because we are conditioned to be "people pleasers."(Am I pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, etc.) I have noted that behavior in myself and I'm seeking to be "authentic." I have decided (at 61 y/o) that I AM different, but not in a bad way. I'm a musician, artist and very creative person....and we tend to be rather "quirky!" Thanks for another wonderful video!

The one I know,at the beggining, literally, I saw three different faces in different occasion. One day I asked if he can show me a pic of him because I couldn't figure out how he looks like. he said "it is not me, it's you" And out of rage, now I understand, he told me he'll introduce me his friend that could be a good match for me. LoL Now I'm learning about narcissism. I never imagined that this is personality disorder.

When there has been 40 years of disrespect nearly every time you see this person, there doesn't seem to be any reason to trust them.....ever!

I’ve just come to realize our 48 year old son is a narcissist. I love him dearly, and I know he’s hurting!! I tried to help him by trying to explain to him. He twisted everything I said to mean something else that was bad and then came all the circular conversations shaming me! I’ve had to go grey rock; but that seems so counterintuitive for a Mom to do and it’s killing me!!!

Camouflaging in different surroundings.

I regularly listen to books about salesmanship. It has messed up my head because regardless of how they tell you to be genuine, they all deal with the psychology of using relationship to get a sale. The more I listen to these books the less I trust people because it all seems like pragmatism and training to be an unintentional narcissist.

One Narcissist I dated only for 3 months after divorcing one of 20 years, wanted to "know me" not because he cared but to know how to control and manipulate me. Didn't work. I had smartened up by then. 😉

I just love this guy!! ❤

I'm assuming you've met my husband.. Married 24 years to this behavior. Showing up more and strong. But alas, I have these videos to keep me alert. Thank you.☘️♥️

Listened to your vlogs many times over. Thank you so much for the clarity you bring to the subject. You have been very helpful in my healing journey.

Had some childhood friends who still are chameleons. Took me years to realize, I guess as a kid you don't really think about these things. They purposely do wrong and act like nothing happened. Gaslighting at it's core

Yep. Phony baloney is right... too many years of it. I'm on a better path now having gone back to my core values. Exhausted but never felt stronger. Thanks Dr C.

Interesting never thought about it this way. I called it meta metamorphosis they change to adapt to any situation and become a wide range of persona?

Thank you! Many shades to the wolves’ clothing.

You're brilliant Les. I smile and even laugh when I listen to you, because you've got them sussed. You're very skilled. You describe and expose the narcissistic tendencies beautifully.

This is excellent, I know several family members who act like this. I come from a family of narcissists who cannot be in the same room with me without controlling me in some way. They explode in anger at the slightest disagreement. Never could I discuss anything with them without one of them demeaning and mocking me. They have invited me to functions so I could see them ignoring me and fawning over my husband. I had the impression that they were wanting to influence my husband to dislike me the way they do.

He wants me to purchase a truck under my bank loan, hell no!! To keep me around for 5 years ... he’ll nooo. Protect myself from a camilion is through my fincances

This almost perfectly describes my husband . Too late , immediately after marrying him I found he wasn't who he presented himself to be . It's been an emotional vacuum being married to him but most think I'm lucky to be married to the self described 'nice guy - everybody likes ME'.

I have a real fear of reckless Narcissists, they like our fear of them.

Yes. I rented from a couple like that. They ate what their hosts gave them even if it would kill them. They defended their rich friends no matter what filthy stuff they were involved in. They lied about what they did for a living. They lied about where their money came from. Charming family- all in governenmt jobs.

I'm scared I might be a narcissist, or becoming one, considering these characteristics. I feel rarely anything when people share things about themselves nowadays. I feel pretty ashamed that I just don't care anymore. I'm lost as to who I am as well. I am afraid of what people will think of me most of the time. I am scared to the extent that I think people are just gonna "find me out" and decide I'm not worth it, which I believe every time I meet someone new. I can't tell if I'm being adaptable or manipulative when I listen, nod, and smile to things I don't care about. Sometimes I think people and I are better off if I don't make friends or relationships.

"Oh my! We have so much in common! I can't believe how alike we are... we think the same about everything! Now we are going to do it my way because my way is the only way that is the right way and any independent thoughts or ideas you have are just stupid." A chameleon with a reptilian brain. Great analogy. (even though I think lizards are such cute little creatures) I realize narcissists are very fixed in their thinking. But are they also limited in what they like? Their activities, routines seem to vary little. Have minimal desire to try new things and seem impatient when in a new environment because it was something you really wanted to do once the relationship is established. That sort of thing. Or is it simply wanting to be in control at all times?

she said everything wrong, wrong names of her ex, she said there was only one, i ended up finding out 3 today, well little hacking, i have already gone no contact, but its sad to see i have been used so much. The amount of lies that come out of these people is just incredible. They do actually make mistakes and give us a hint of the truth from time to time but you know

Chameleons will not let you see who they are, until they hook you in!! THey appear patient until they have you where they want you!! I know!!!

If only I would have know this....

I like how you stated the importance of being emotional intelligent enough to be able to be around different types of individuals.

These lizards have got me through alcohol, relationships, work and social gatherings. I know how they are getting me and I feel so lonely! I am so sad that fifty percent of people I know and love are possessed by such entities they have emotionally blackmailed me

"Behind the scenes the narcissist has an agenda that you don't know about." --great reminder. Another take-away / reminder I got is that narcissists lack empathy yet can appear empathetic but with a hidden agenda. They can come across like they do care, but they don't. Another insight --The narcissist pretending to be vulnerable to put a spin on something they did wrong that others would find out about. --thank you Dr C for these essential reminders and insights.

I watch KZfaq a lot and I’ve never seen so many titles and topics that grab me like yours. There’s a lot of click bait out there but your vids are straight on and to the point.

my husband is a master at this. He told me a confession about something and it was all for his own purposes.

I have learned through watching these series on narcissists that my first husband was a classic case of it. I stayed with him on and off for 6 1/2 years, until I could not take it any longer and finally left. By the time I was done, I had no feelings left. There was no way of explaining to other people exactly what he had put me through. It was a nightmare. Best decision I ever made was to leave and take the 3 children, which he had become abusive of as well. He was a profoundly sick, controlling, ugly individual. I should have left and not allowed him back much sooner than I did.

I encountered this shape shifting personality style with a coworker who didn't seem agenda driven other than having a serious commitment to avoiding conflict and a need to be liked by everyone. They never displayed any malignant or troublesome behaviours, I found it strange as I would struggle to be so committed to the effort of being liked by certain folks who were excessively disagreeable.

Everybody loves Dr. Carter!! He's the best! And what an awesome way to sum up an nark!! If they were going to be anything in this world other than human, well kind of sorta of human, that's exactly what they would be!!!👍😃

The facade (not to be confused with their veneer shown in private) - some narcissists have a facade, but the Lesser, less intelligent & unsophisticated narcissists usually don’t have a facade, and many of the Greater narcissists don’t need a facade, as they’re highly intelligent and their narcissism is highly sophisticated.

They're not looking for relationship, they're looking for asset. Dr Carter, it's so true! I have experienced it myself but didn't grab what it is. Now listening to you for a whole day and start to figure out what it was about, it starts to make sense. Thanks for your video!

Glad you brought this up. One thing people say about children is that they bounce back easily, and that they have great resilience. I think that quick 20 second resilience is a benchmark behavior of the narcissist. Like when a martial artist gets knocked down in a battle and then pops right back up in less than 20 seconds like a Roadrunner cartoon. The narcissist can go from upset to calm in a real flash of speed. Not rage mind you, but they can switch emotions and reactions on a dime! They treat you bad and hurt you badly, then in the next minute they ask you to do a favor for them. Flash Resilience is a chameleon benchmark behavior.

You can’t stop listening , so interesting

My good friend in high school, we will call him Chameleon. We often hung out with fellow stoners so it took awhile for me to notice his changing personalities. I noticed that he would change completely when around girls, but I always assumed he was just showing off for them. But then he befriended a guy who was loud, very outgoing and kind of a jerk. Whenever those two were together my "friend" would basically become his twin. It frustrated me because I didnt understand how, or why someone's personality would completely change. It was very drastic with that person. When I questioned Chameleon about it in front of the jerk, the jerk took offense as if I was criticizing his personality and not the chameleon's absolute transformation in personality. They both wanted to fight me. One of my "best friends" wanted to fight me. I stopped hanging out with him after that and our mutual friends took his side.

At work, they hate it when you don't let them in. They will start to really get to work and mirror, but if you have boundaries, they break fast and start stirring up stuff with gossiping and lying.

Dr. Carter, your videos are so insightful and helpful. I am an empath and have been with my husband for 32 years. Going through a divorce now. I have been discarded! When I discovered “narcissism” my mind was blown. To have an answer for things that I had endured for so long! I am struggling and in so much emotional pain but determined to heal and move forward. I have a chronic illness and I pray as time goes on and I heal emotionally that some of my physical pain will also be lessened. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge on this subject.

This was absolutely my mother when she was alive. She almost drove me crazy she had me so confused, my head spinning with her hatred for me. She had people thinking I was her favorite person until it was just her and me behind closed doors, OMG.

I NEED TO KEEP WATCHING THESE SO I DON'T FORGET, THESE PSYCHOLOGICAL WAYS OF THINKING ARE SO FOREIGN TO ME, AND JUST MAD!

So my husband and I were played by a Chameleon Narcissist. It went REALLY bad. Took 3 years for it to play out and many frustrations along the way. The funny thing is that when we first met her, we both said she acted like a Chameleon....wow. We didn't know what we didn't know. But we do now!!!! Boundaries with everyone. And a test of telling people 'NO' in order to see reactions. Wish I would have known this 30 years ago. I am beginning to be an expert now in detecting them due to a series of unfortunate events through out my lifetime.

I'm so glad I found your channel! Thanks so much Dr Carter for your kind wisdom helping us get through this crazy process.

I'm listening to this for the second or third time, and I am amazed at what I can remember that contributed to the narc relationship that was so harmful. Thanks for your work.

Thank you for this video. So true ! Narcissists are great actors and actresses. They need to be admired and recognized as charming exceptional persons. I noticed that they have a neutral attitude when they meet new people and adapt quickly their behaviors to please and to charm. Do narcissists ever realize that they are narcissist and chameleons ? (Excuse my mistakes in English as I am French speaking).

Hi Dr.Carter thanks for your great work you are so kind,caring and genuine you must be the best human in the world thanks for uplifting and supporting us victims of narcissim abuse as a victim of heavy narcisstic abuse from mother and sister(both covert narcs) my self esteem has plunged to a very huge low i have been mocked,bullied,critisized,accused,gossiped,scapegoated,damaged my reputation to relatives and they have also convinced me that am going insane.. i learnt on narcissism just this year when they started another drama shit storm on me just after new year that left me completely traumatised and thrown off balance i started googling about scapegoating and bullying behaviour in family of which i have been googling for many years but never found a strong solution but thank God i found your channel you are our life saver us victims of narcissim abuse so thats how i ended up here.. after i have learned their behaviour even before i knew they had narcissim something about them was so off and disturbing my mum would give me this evil stare like she is deeply disgusted by me something that usually is so creepy .. they started noticing that i dont talk much around them am usually very quiet because i will be accused of arguing everytime i talk even though am just talking politely these people are extremely evil and satanic i truly hate them both and i wish we were never related.. .av been told am ugly ,i dont have friends,a loner,they also force me to overspend my money so that i loose all the escape plans that i could have,they give me the worst life advice and they just love to gossip me n mock me with insults that are disguised as jokes its been truly a mental torture because i realised that my personality started changing from a high confidence person who believed in herself to having brainfog,mental confusion,low confidence,self-doubt,inability to think properly,very fearful of people,anxiety attacks, this all started happening full swing when i started living with my demonic vain covert narc older sister now finally i have closure why i have become this mentally broken

Thank you Dr.Carter for another informative video.

From the beginning he was upfront with pretty much (he said) his whole past so that I didn't find out from others....He is a complete LIZARD! 😁

I wish I had learned this years ago. I always thought people were being genuine and that there was something wrong with me when things went sideways after they got what they wanted from me. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for a very enlightening video!

Glad my X Narcissist is GONE! Best revenge is I am happy 😊 for the most part. And well, he isn't!!! And guess, what? I can't be the reason as to why he is unhappy (as told repeatedly by him) because it's been 8 years. Egg 🍳 on his face. Not mine.

So far, I've only been slightly bruised by narcissists, I had one narcissistic friend as a teenager who expected me to be exactly like her, dress like her, think like her, never question her, her taste and her opinions. That friendship took a toll on me but I ended it when I understood she'd never really care about me. Back then, I had no idea what narcissism is. Later, I met people with narcissistic traits ( there are also some in my family), but although I was sometimes too generous with my acceptance of their behaviour, they didn't have enough influence on my life to make me suffer. My sympathies to everyone who has been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist. I wish you all the best for your recovery and future.

Dr. C : this gives me so much clarity and explains a lot. I live with this, and everyone around him seems clueless. This is very frustrating for me, but I am trying to accept it.

Another great video Dr C!!

I've tried waiting, for months and they will wait if they want you bad enough. Looking back over all the narc boyfriends I've had, I cannot see any way to tell. Two were respected charming loved doctors. One was the sweetest guy I've ever met, funny, cute. They can keep that going as long as they need to before finally letting you see behind the mask. They are professional actors wearing a mask, playing a role to get what they want.

Priceless set of advices. Bougt Dr. C's book: another priceless wisdom sharing experience. Just great set of tools for growing up outgrowing and eliminating all sorts of narcs in my life. Thanks for existing, Dr. C 😄😊😁

Thank you, Dr. Carter. This explains EVERYTHING. I'm grateful for all that you do and all that you are. You are a Trusted Advisor.

My dog watched this video and now he thinks my ex was a lizard.