1. Recount the events in detail. 2. Give them a real "why". 3. Feel what the victim felt. 4. Take responsibility & attempt to make amends.

I have personally felt the effects of a genuine appology. After an incident with my mental health, my boss mistreated me in a way that almost cost me my job. I absolutely hated her and felt like I could never forgive her. A year later she came back to the job after finishing a year in college. She told me she was sorry, that she didnt understand at the time but she had had her own mental health struggles that year and regrets what she put me through. The second she said that, I felt so much relief and validation. I really admire and respect her for saying that to me, it must have been hard but boy did I need it.

This really opens my eyes. I can’t just say “sorry” randomly because I’m nice like a Canadian.

This has motivated me to write those letters of apology to myself to help me break free of the chains of my own trauma. It's very true that usually we won't get those apologies from our abusers. This is a beautiful way of reclaiming your own power and self worth.

A powerful speech filled with genuine vulnerability and valuable advice.

Great talk. Unfortunately, if the perpetrator is a sociopath, narcissist, or has some other personality disorder, which they often do, they will NEVER apologize in this way.

Bless this woman.

I understand the process she went through as a way to provide herself closure from her trauma; she is truly courageous for sharing this. However, having processed similar trauma of my own, I'm more mad that actual perpetrators continue to do this with impunity. I hope her message doesn't get twisted into us forgiving perpetrators of abuse and not bringing them to justice. When the perpetrator is your close family relative or parent, the desire to see them repent and change is appropriate. But for everyone else, I'd rather see them in jail for life.

Pertaining to the first two steps, I forgot who said this but "sometimes people don't want to hear an apology, they just want you to list down all the stupid things you've done"

This was so needed...A BiG thankyou 🙏🙏🙏

This one's truly moving and a powerful speech. Tremendous respect for you.. 🙏

Somehow this talk makes me want to cry.

Wow !!! This is another great informational talk !!

🦋So important to remember your circumstances don’t define you, they refine you. People do horrific things

What a power message. I absolutely loved this talk and I hope more people watch it.

very powerful...and insightful.

Beautifully said. Apologies and forgiveness is divine.

Thank you for helping in every way for everyone and to this planet, we need to each other because to keep changing, every help is need to keep living The help I receive is the help I give From light to live to live from everything There is love in everyone Live love, be the love.

🙏🏻 for those who can’t afford 10 years of therapy! // The hateful sarcastic comments here come from fearful, small people.

Beautiful explanation. I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Apologies take the kind of courage & deep self analysis that most aren’t willing to apply. Thank you for challenging men (all of us really) and saying this on a public stage.

Subtle yet powerful

This woman and I have the exact same story 😮 this is a rare thing to encounter

What she's calling for is restorative justice

Thank you very much for share this video nice to you

needed this

this is the bottom line of the twelve steps - that you cannot heal unless you make amends for everything you feel guilty about. sometimes the authentic apologies she's talking about are enough amends

AMEN. Mind you, I am not a religious individual. I simpy choose to use my time wisely, AMEN (So let it be). Profound.

*"Punishment Harden Us not Teach Us, Humiliation is not Revelation"*

Amazing talk. An apology wouldn't fix the pain they caused but it would definitely help. Appreciate you sharing your experience Eve.

Such great important talk with such less views

In Japanese culture, when a bowl is broken they do not throw it out. They put the fragments back together using molten gold. They showcase the cracks so as to tell a story. The idea is that this will ultimately make the bowl more beautiful. Be a Japanese bowl.

Its true I've never heard a man owning to raping someone amongst all other crimes

The words "Repentance and self-limitation" come to mind.

the most important thing in an apology is guilt and fear guilt of your actions and fear of un-acceptance it truly doesn’t matter in an apology of what you did because the only thing that’s tru is what you feel and how you try to remedy that

I'm here for the class but great speech em iêu

That's not Rod Stewart

I agree with this, and I want to say that it goes both ways. a man isn't always the abuser and a woman isn't always the victim. I am not saying that these are not valid I am merely expanding what Eve Enster said to include people like myself (I am male) who was verbally abused by my brother when he and I were kids. It's true what she says. Last summer I was telling my therapist that what I wanted most was a genuine apology from him.

I have been asking that question WHY ME, WHY did my dad treat me like s**t, apologize, and then continue to treat me like s**t growing up? Eve has delved into the answers. Because my Dad was jealous of me and my talents, so he wanted to sabotage me so that I wouldn't pass him in accomplishments. Well dadio, I accomplished different things than you did. I appeared at city council meetings to support public transit here, I got a "SuperExpress" type bus routes started here, I edit wikipedia (he couldn't write proper grammar sentences with uppercase and punctuation!), I sing better than he ever could and participated in school and church choirs and have sung solo karaoke in front of 200 of my work collegues (I Love a Rainy Night by Eddy Rabbit). I am an empath and he kept his real feelings inside (sociopath). I am more articulate (usually) and am more sure of myself than my dad who was so wishy-washy with his verbal communications. I got to meet with two Mayors of Winnipeg (Murray and Katz). In 2000 when someone else wasn't at city hall, the media had a scrum (Q & A) session with ME. I was on the local news about Transit fare increases in 2000. What did my dad do again? He was jealous of me, so he'd want to destroy anything I had, whether it be a physical possession or a personal quality I had (joy).

Give a speech at the whitehoouse

Call men in

Call them in.

There was a perpetrator(SA his daughter-throughout age 3-11yrs) who chose to tell lies and blamed the victim to her own mother before he died after suffering a chronic disease.

This explanation of what an apology is is the reason why you don't force out or apologise on behalf of children.

I may be wrong but I think Senator Al Franken sincerely apologized to the colleague that he touched (as a prank photo when they were both adult comedians and they were both wearing lots of clothes).

I do not think you can change people. Someone who generally is a good person and makes a mistake can apologize in a way she described. A bad person who does such awful things for a long time is a bad person and can not ever truly apologize and change.

Great! You inspire us all. What impressed you the most?

Apology will free you and your victim.

Mrs Elsner please dont try to justify his actions He was a BEAST and you know it

though 1 detail I think is wrong: there absolutely exist people who don't suffer, or at least don't suffer significantly from causing others suffering. Humanity is in the billions, genes and upbringing determining our mentalities, so odds are overwhelmingly in favor of that statement of yours being wrong. If you take into account the suffering of awkwardness or of being humbled, then one could deduce that it is, for a purely selfish person with a merciless sort of mentality, more beneficial to not apologize. If anything, someone sadistic would prefer the victim to suffer further so it'd go against their goals to end that. That is part of the reason why apologies don't always happen. Eve might've thought or at least gave the impression of believing that it was just a matter of the abusers lacking certain knowledge, upon gaining which, they'll act morally and apologize. But morality is not nearly always the most beneficial for someone selfish, especially since different mentalities, different values, lead to different priorities.

I think she’s getting this only to a side where a man is the abuser and a girl the victim, but there’s also other abuses, men aren’t that violent or whatever. Usually they have some kind of psychological problem and because they are stronger than women or another victim they use that to abuse.

?

Lots of bots on here and sock puppet accounts..Nevertheless she shared a profound experience of her abuse and finding closure without that apology. That's what really matters..moving on when the offender/abuser blatantly lies or stays within a state of denial.

멋집니다.

Don’t forget about all of those men that women abuse.

Yo

As a man.. I can only say: what a Brilliant.. Sincere & moving speech!! You could really dig down to where most of modern feminists sadly can't.. 👏

Well, the name of this TT was very misleading at the least...

While I appreciate the message of this talk, may I suggest to TED to put a viewer discretion advised type page on certain talks. The topics and her descriptions of her abuse can be extremely triggering, and while everyone should be allowed to talk about their experiences, I think it would also be beneficial for vulnerable viewers to be warned about certain content.

This sounds a lot like "only men can do wrong"

This message was brought to you by Canada.

This is very unfair to all men who never did anything like that. But ok. I'm a man. I'm in. I was in even before watching this talk. Also, I don't think anyone who damages another gets damaged as well. Why would he keep doing it if it hurt him? It didn't. That's why. I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I'm glad you became such a strong person intead of letting it destroy your life. Wish you all the best.

Phone keda leva guid ke change sach now sari

All right men, here's the plan don't rape anyone lol good plan

Not at all worth mentioning that men can also be abused?

This was a powerful speech. What a shame that this was not delivered to an audience of men.

Most apologies are like going to confession. Say a bunch of words you don't mean and all is forgiven (forgotten). No need to change your ways or empathize with the one you've hurt. It's no wonder men made gods that forgive

Регина Дубовицкая

I agree with her and apologize for what she has had to experience, but the way she indirectly characterizes all men as abusers kind of put me off a bit

Uploads like this need to be shared with all males.

Yeah, not everyone wants to relive their childhood nightmares through an “apolopgy”. I think vague with real remorse is sufficient for most people...and most don’t even get that. If you are waiting for someone else to do something to or for you for YOU to be healed, you are still allowing them to dominate and control you forever. You will be in bondage as that abused child, stuck in that past.p because you choose that. You are still giving that person total control and authority over your life. Forgiveness is not acceptance. It is realizing that nothing is worth your present moment and letting the past go so you can can have a future. Why? Why? There is no excuse or good reason to abuse anyone. Justifying their behavior is the sadest thing a person can do. They are dead. Mourn and move on.

This is great, and I don't disagree with what she says, but I do dislike one major repeating theme in this talk: it makes the male/female divide and the abuser/victim divide into the exact same thing; listening to this talk, when she repeatedly uses the word "men" as a synonym for "abuser" and never once mentions that men can be victims, or that women can be abusers, or even that men can exist and not be abusers, I find that to be very poor. She could have phrased things differently to make it less gender dependent, or make it clear that her phrasing is because of her own experience, and the fact that she didn't I think shines a negative light on her and her message.

Step 1) Doesn't include specific details: "he's glossing over things" or "his accounting is vague" or "he won't even admit to what he's done" Includes specific details: "he's revictimizing her" or "look at the perv, he's savoring this memory" or "why is he being so specific; what is he trying to hide" Step 2) Doesn't include why: "he clearly hasn't thought deeply about this" or "he's not interested in scrutinizing the underlying reasons; he'll probably just do it again" Includes why: "he's making excuses" or "he's trying to make himself out to be the victim" Step 3) Doesn't include feeling what the victim felt: "he's remorseless" Includes victim felt: "how dare he act like he knows what it's like to be the victim of ___" or "he's trying to make himself out to be the victim" Step 4.1) Includes taking responsibility: "he didn't take full responsibility" or "he left something out" or "there's your confession; conviction please" Step 4.2) Tries to make amends: "he's revictimizing her" or "not good enough" or "he's just doing it because he's being pressured to; he doesn't really mean it" or "how dare he think that doing _____ will make things ok" or "thanks, but we'll decide your punishment, m'kay?" ___________________ It's almost like apologizing (especially as a proxy for an entire gender, the vast majority of which is not culpable) in a culture that is mostly interested in outrage is something of a no-win scenario.

Great America needs to deeply apologize countries like Iraq. UK needs to apologize Subcontinent and Africa

This may be the dumbest thing I've ever heard on here. A wounded women says exactly how things should be. Not the best way of things. She wants to drudge up every hurtful thing to rehurt the ones who were hurt. Because that's what she needs. That's not what all hurt people need

Did this woman have a mother?

"This world will not know peace until all WOMEN are CHERISHED and LOVED EQUALLY in the HOME, WORK/BUSINESS and in POLITICS." DIVINE MOTHER Dont believe me ask Mom fer yer-own selves.

The "men" she is referring to our powerful, rich men with the authority to enhance women underneath them's careers. Not everyday men. I think she should have clarified.And keep in mind, this is a woman who was sexually abused. To catagorize all "men" in this way is just small-minded.

Another video to ignore.

Ye, and women, horrible people are just horrible people doesn't matter if your a man or a woman, very sexist talk.

poor women,

I really dont appreciate the insinuation that men as a whole are the problem. Why dont you apologize to me?

427 youtubers storing this under favorites because they're gonna need this lmao

Maybe next time not just talk about the negative effect men can have on women but people in general. Still agree with the talk tho

First

The first comment on

wow 15 millionov subscribes,but 137 like!!!! WOW!!!

She’s talking about responsibility. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a culture of responsibility. Mostly fundamentally, religion doesn’t directly teach responsibility. Moses didn’t teach responsibility to the Jews. Jesus didn’t teach responsibility to the Christians. Mohammed didn’t teach responsibility to the Muslims. Buddha didn’t teach responsibility to the Buddhists. Lao Tzu didn’t teach responsibility to the Taoists. And the list goes on and on. We need a culture of responsibility.

The dislikes are Harvey Weinstein and his friends

While You Are Correct. …...WTF???? Equal Rights?????? Ever Seen Your/You're Mirror???? Time To/Two?Too level up!!!!!

Sadly we will never recieve the apology that we deserve because apology requires COMPASSION something that men lack in the majority

If this was Eve Adam would of left the garden

If you truly want men to join us, might I suggest not make any more videos like this?

stop focusing over the past and direct that energy towards your future

Rod Stewart doing TED talks is slightly amusing.

So you took your time to Ted to talk about your own personal issues? 🤔

This is so bad guys

apologies mean nothing

Since when did Hillary Clinton do TED talks

“The best thinkers in the world” Ted false advertising again

Just the fact of making this video makes me un- appologetic. Do people really need to hear this..... Uuuuggggg. Any thinking human does not need learn from this video. People are people.... Get over it.