So true. They do things for you so you are dependent on them. They do everything they can to make sure you can't leave them. They try to keep you financially and physically incapable of leaving. But to outsiders it looks like the narcissistic person is the best person ever.

A tell tale sign is when everyone is coming at you telling you what a great person the altruistic narc is and how you should be more grateful when at home you grovel for crumbs of affection or attention.

They LOVE to take in family members that are down on their luck, so that other people will talk about how altruistic they are 🙄 Then they gaslight them and make them dependent on them so that they can control them, all the while talking about how they have saved them.

You can be sure that anytime a narcissist does something for someone, it's the narcissist that will benefit and not the recipient of the narcissist's largesse.

It is not out of a good heart, it is out of calculation

Really dangerous for adoptees. Many adoptive “parents” have ulterior, narcissistic motives. ☹️

My narcissistic mother set me up so that she could 'swoop in' and comfort me. She kept me from people who were good to me, and forced / coerced / manipulated / brainwashed me into being with people who treated me poorly. My guess for her reasons are: (1) other people treating me abusively justified in her mind her treating me in the same way, and (2) whenever my heart was broken / I was disappointed, she could sit with me and say, "There, there. Relationships are hard, aren't they?" taking secret delight in my suffering, so that she could feel like she was helping or saving me, when in reality, she wanted me to be mistreated.

This explains why I never FELT love in our house! But emotional blackmail was used regularly.

The victims of altruistic narcisists feel that the help is not coming straight from the heart but is a product of manipulation and hidden agenda and the process of giving in such cases is deeply humiliating and degrading as the receipients are being objectified, exploited and abused. Thank you Jay.

There is a tremendous amount of emotional payback due from this kind of "care". You will never really get to the end of actually paying it back, no matter how much you give or do.

That’s my mother. The length she is ready to go really far to “selflessly “ helps others is amazing! Unfortunately, when it comes to her own kids, we were neglected and abused. But everyone just believes that we are ungrateful people.

"The caring only happens when theirs a show to give." Sounds like every PTA Mom at my kids school. They do everything for their kids, host parties, do elaborate projects. But when they are home, they ignore the child. (I lived next door to a PTA mom like this. )

When I was in therapy, my mom raged at me after I simply asked her to leave the session so that I can be more comfortable. She was absolutely okay Infront of the counselor but the moment we came home, it was hell.

The part about having to repetitively nonexhaustively continually uplift and speak on the greatness and excessive kindness of the narcissist to all around while experiencing that reality in a rather alternative way is EXACTLY my own experience

OMG!!! After 55 years of searching, I can finally name what my sister has done to me for years!!

Yip, a common tactic, they’ll always know what’s best for everyone else

This answers so many questions for me. The primary narcissist in my life tics all of these boxes. This type of narcissism can be very confusing, as they 'appear' empathetic because of what they DO, but their presence does 'NOT FEEL' empathetic, because, of course, they don't genuinely feel empathetic.

It felt like you were telling my childhood Christmas story. Every year. Every present. Every reaction monitored and critiqued. I never wanted presents from this person again. But I did learn how not to treat my own kids.

Two narcissists in my family work in health care. One is a hospital pharmacist and the other is a dentist. They can act like they are the most caring people ever

When you got to Sign 4 (taking on "lost cause" friends as projects to improve them)... hooo boy, do I have someone for you! My mother is the queen of this. She will climb over you to find a socially "inferior" person to make over in her image. She loves taking "uncultured" people to the opera and then lecturing them on how to appreciate it. Or going into people's homes and redecorating for them on the spur of the moment, even though nobody asked for that. She even took up with a coworker to teach the woman how to "speak better" and MADE A SET OF FLASHCARDS so the woman could practice her pronunciation! Needless to say, all of these interactions end the same way: the person gets fed up with being condescended to and exits the relationship. Then my mother gets all self-righteous and bent out of shape because "look at all I did for them!" and they are showing insufficient gratitude. She is an entire mess.

I was always sick as a child. I visited the emergency room weekly. I remember my mother always was giving me a pill when I was overwhelmed after her mistreatment to me. I believe those times I was overwhelmed I was having panic attacks. She received so much attention from others for having to take care of a sick child. Now that I'm a adult I'm rarely sick. Im the healthiest person I know. I know without evidence that she was doing things to me that caused me to show symptoms of being sick. I have never trusted her not even as a child but I was trained not to say anything.

This is so very true. It’s a scary thing really. Because often these people hide behind the guise of fixing, giving and false goodness.

The saintly woman that tirelessly ran the local soup kitchen for the homeless, but rarely cooked a family meal for her own children.

Yes! My father was the most popular, the kindest, and softest, most resourceful and understanding, supporting teacher in town. It was all about image! My siblings and I had to be kind and submissive, even to strangers, we had to curtsy - in the eighties! At home he was a different animal! He beat us up, then dictated a story for the doc ... And finally we had to kiss him good night! Constant double binds, gaslighting and punishment. It even changed my pain threshold. A life in fog, frost, duty-empathy and inability to identify evil. For most of my life I was surrounded by narcissists. But luckily now I know. I can detect them! I see their insatiable greed for all and ever. I can hear them waiting for their triumphantly "Schadenfreude". If possible, I avoid them. Every now and then I let one talk - it's like a puzzle - smile and just turn away...

Yes it's exhausting, telling them how great they are, when what's expected of you, is to be some kind of threat. Everything they give you is thrown up in your face, constantly you are reminded of what they gave you over the years. They ignore what you gave them. It's like they don't give with a good heart, or like they really mean it.

Many people are broken and will seek a part of you in a vain attempt to repair themselves.

So spot on very hard to detect it takes a long time to see this high level of manipulation. It is really sickening they feed off your traumas and pain. Sick

This is SO my husband. He’s always making me meals, coffee or tea in the morning, plumping and propping up my pillows and blankets and never letting me get up to do things for my dogs or myself. He says he’s the best husband ever. The only thing is that he loads my food and drinks up with a ton of fats, sugars and salt. Not so it tastes bad, but so my blood pressure sky rockets, my arteries get clogged and I get fat and lazy. He would seem like a dream but he’s a psycho and I’m always walking on eggshells. I never know when he’s going to flip out and turn into Dr Jeckyl. He’s the same way about gifts. Christmases are always loaded with expensive gifts, but as soon as Christmas is over, he becomes mean and nasty. He’s a complete rager and causes me so much anxiety and stress. I’m in a constant state of high adrenaline. Ugh, I know, I need to leave. Not so easy.

They make you say thank you all the time even for small things, they demand it. They expect to be hugged all the time. They also think if you don't phone or visit them often, you are considered ungreatful.

Great stuff bro. Please for God sake get these messages out to everyone. People having their lives destroyed and don't realize what is going on. It is not their fault. Every Dr. Needs to get this message out. Fast!

Mine thought he was the mayor of our block. Always helping others and getting involved to feed his ego. Behind closed doors he was a monster. He could change personalities from evil to mr. nice guy in a flash. He was nauseatingly phony. On the road, he chased drivers down if they ran a stop sign and tried to provoke fights. He once chased a women to her home with my young sons in the car. I’m so thankful he is on to his next supply. I threw him out which was such a blow ego and I never missed him for 1 second. He abused my child and that is an unforgivable sin.

When you’re in this type of relationship as a child and then again as an adult, you start to feel like your the bad one…it’s mind blowing!!!

Oh hell, those mandatory displays of gratitude are still expected. I felt it since early childhood. It has taken me way too long to recognize that the pathological behaviour and abuse, and to put a name to it. I now feel permanently stuck.

I’ve never heard it explained like this. Wow. So healing and validating. I was adopted by a narcissistic mom and codependent dad and was groomed to be thankful despite the violence and terror. They had everyone fooled.

Just ended it with a narcissist yesterday he was my NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

I was a widow when I met my Narc. He did all he could do to "help". Once I began dating him, he became a totally different person.

This is so true, all their gifts are with fanfare and have strings attached to manipulate, they take revenge if you don't perform as they deem acceptable and woe betide you feel actual joy away from them and are not destroyed - they will steal that joy immediately and try to crush you for the privilege! They hoodwink many, but with discernment wise ones feel their energy is 'off'. Thank you Jesus for saving me.

I am so thankful I found you Dr. Reid. I’m 59 and finally really taking a hard look at my experience growing up the scapegoat in my family of origin. My mother ignored me my entire life and still does. I went no contact recently for 5 years and thought I got healthy... so my sister the flying monkey reached out and convinced me to give our mother another chance to be a “family”. What a mistake. One year later I’m back to my feelings of anger, fear, rejection. My mother is now holding her Trust as a tool for manipulation. I’m trying to detach again and create boundaries again. She is 87 and still manipulating as ever. Her tool was and is the silent treatment toward me. I will continue to watch your videos. Thank you. Joanne C.

This is my mother in law exactly, she’ll ask me very politely if I wanna do something with her, if I say no she rages out, then apologizes the next day with a great excuse and guilts me into doing what she wants. She does everything you’ve listed I can’t stand her.

My struggle right now is getting past the mindset of "I don't deserve to be given to". I've learned so much about NPD, my childhood trauma, and then making the connection from a spiritual pov with my true self. I've finally, after leaving my ex a little over a year ago, accepted a lot of what's caused me so much turmoil inside of my head....and yet I can't seem to accept that I am deserving of what I desire in my life... Even though I know I am, I find myself always running back to my trauma response of introversion and feeling as though I have to deal with the matter alone because I'll end up in this scenario regardless. It's perplexing but I guess I'll find the cause at the right time.

My sister is like this, it’s toxic. She has everyone wrapped around her finger.

When you mentioned about the narcissist feeling more comfortable around "lost causes", I really wanted to hear more about that. You were spot on in this video...but if you could expand on the narcissist's draw to the lost causes, especially in the midst of their "altruism" it would really be helpful. Great video! Thank you

This describes my mom. I've tried to point it out to other family members and even my friends but no one else sees it. I was always met with hate by her until I learned to fawn and praise her all the time. Only a few years ago I started to catch on to the fact that she seems to lack real empathy. Everything is all about her and she finds pets, "friends" and family members who "need her help" to feel good about herself in comparison. She's done her best to make me dependent on her but I have to step away and let her sit with her own feelings for once. She'll probably just find someone else to fix and depend on her instead 🤷‍♂️

Goody-two shoes, self righteous know-it-alls.

Mr. Reid, thank you. I started going to therapy and canceled my appointment for today, this would have been my third one. I listened to myself and canceled because deep inside I feel that my therapist is in this just to make money. My last appointments brought me nothing. Your videos are so well described, you are so gentle and articulate. I’m learning more with you than I think I’d ever learn from my therapist. Understanding what was or is going on, why I feel the way I do, really helps me step back and understand that this is/was not my fault. From there, I can start healing and working at rebuilding my thought pattern and ultimately leave the narsistists mental and emotional grasp that is, in my opinion, what keeps survivors from moving forward. Again, thank you.

The holidays are painful. My mother has destroyed my relationships with everyone. She wanted me all for herself because i have the caring heart . she tells them to leave me alone since i was 10. I don't know 6 siblings , but took care of her oldest son since the age 18. She is the most hateful lady i have ever known , she thinks she smart , she thinks she controls other , especially me with her mind . Im playing back and leaving her alone

My mother . I grew up in foster care , she likes to think she was this loving spiritual mother , she was violent and abusing

This video lends clarity to the relationships I have had - those that preyed upon me (and I was perfect prey because I had been groomed by my mother my whole life) - that led me to feel confused by their care, realizing now that I was a pawn. The confusion was actually an alert to the disingenuousness of their intention, but I could never pinpoint why. I am now rewinding my life and am able to recognize those people who looped me into their web, then discarded me when I sensed disingenuousness and did not play the narcissistic supply role as they desired (which I of course interpreted as rejection, and was left thinking: " what's wrong with me?"). I am stronger than I knew and this helps me in learning how to better love myself.

As someone who recently realized theyre narcissistic, I find it comforting to watch videos like this because it helps me understand myself better. I wish there were more videos about how to COPE with oneself once they realize they’re a narcissist. I think the only genuine way I can “care” or “protect” others is by helping them spot the other narcissists in their lives (assuming they don’t know and are looking for help with figuring out that particular person) I’m saving up for therapy.

You just described my entire childhood, even the way Christmas went. We always knew it wasn’t really about us. I had a role to play of grateful child, regardless of how I actually felt. It didn’t matter if mom had caught you alone and said something horrible right before. Dry those tears and get out here and act grateful for every crumb.

I've suffered about this all my life. I have cried, pegged, sought for help. Nobody has helped because everything looks so fantastic.

I have met many people with this type of narcissism and it’s exhausting. The gifts they would give were always over the top and excessive. I felt like I had to reciprocate or keep up even though I didn’t want to. It seemed phony and manipulative. One family member would give my kids a lot of money for their birthday or graduation (more than I did) to show off how rich she was. Every time she would then say to them, “you better take care of me when I’m old and alone”. It made me angry that she was trying to control them and that there was an agenda for her gift giving. You don’t GIVE to expect to RECEIVE!

I am currently trying to leave my narc wife. She does this without needing an audience , well I am her “captive” audience. If I don’t validate and recognize every little everyday thing she does “ for me”, look out.

Glad I saw your video in my playlist. I usually associate narcissism with self absorbed types, so wondered why I was feeling so drained being "helped" by someone who I thought was a good friend. I am going through a number of challenges with health, moving, decisions about pets, locations, etc, and she went from encouraging me to move to her state to way overstepping. I started to dread her texts and unasked for advice which had descended into shaming questions: "You haven't done such and such YET?" She scrambles my actual priorities as if she knows better. Any interaction with her and I feel like I am incapable of deciding what to eat for lunch 🙂 So thank you for this...

Once again, I am floored by the way the narcissist is referred to with a lack of compassion. Isn't the narcissist also a victim? Do they not deserve empathy or sympathy for their own struggles? My narcissistically abusive father was scapegoated on a grand scale. His needs were not met. How was he supposed to be anything else? If the narcissist is coming from a deep inner sense of worthlessness, why is this not seen as something to be concerned about? Jay keeps emphasizing that the inner sense of worthlessness is the root cause, yet I do not hear him addressing the narcissist with any compassion or invitation to healing. We do not know what to do when we are broken. Sometimes we do not even know that we are broken. It's absolutely tragic in the most dramatic way. If the person feels worthless and they unconsciously engage in reactive behaviors to compensate, why is that not to be seen as a very sad and unfortunate thing? It's all tragic. In the bullying conversations they talk about how some victims become bullies. They are "victim-bullies" as opposed to the victims and the bullies. There is also the entire domain of spectrum diagnoses where certain children are predisposed to predatory behavior and some to the vulnerability that attracts the predator child. It's like chemistry. I think I am an altruistic narcissist in that I have always gravitated to the broken people. Whole and sane people make me feel awful. They pick up on all the ways you are not right right and remind you of it. Why would you want to be around them? And they are not all alright! They often have high opinions of themselves for wrong reasons. Society is a bitch to navigate. On the other hand.........why am I always attracted to narcissists (and hoarders)? I had a narcissistic friend who I felt had adopted me precisely because he saw me as broken and wanted to fix me. He set a sort of limit above which I could not rise because it felt like he needed to me to stay in that place of brokenness. This person helped me a lot!!!!!! But he also made me feel like shit and was blind to who I was as a person. I was like a pet that is not supposed to be able to talk so there is no requirement to ask for their opinions and ideas. He did most of the talking. When I said something he changed the subject. So frustrating. I needed him when I had no one. He showed me a lot about how to be in the world. And then he cut off my feet, figuratively. Finally I cut him off.

I began to notice this in my narcissistic mother when she'd look at my basic medical and educational needs, scream "It's not fair to me to have to take care of you when your father won't" after she'd married and divorced a deadbeat, and make me pay dearly for every bit of care while parading herself as a martyr to my having any needs at all - and yet, drop huge amounts of money on cosmetic surgery, and fight tooth and nail every step I made towards autonomy. It was so self-contradictory and abusive that it took me a while to realize that it was intentional and strategic. Such a narcissist will covertly break the supports in other people's lives, seize control of the situation via the repair bill for the damage they did, and then parade their image. They need to be needed, and they actively hate autonomy and empowerment. Engulfment, enmeshment, and economic abuse are the terms for the kind of abuse that result from this.

You make such a great point about baring the brunt of their rage if you don't show gratitude for them helping you. This is so helpful.

You're really good at this, please continue to put out this much needed awareness. Great delivery!

Oh CRAP!!! I'm seen as a LOST CAUSE!?!? I see it clearly now. I'm relieved to realize that I wasn't "crazy" or ungrateful for the "help". I kept trying to figure it out. Nobody does THAT much for...nothing....and also this person does just what you said. Refuses any help in return and speaks unkindly about others she's "helped". Aaaaw, how saaaaad. P.S I like your bull.

I couldnt pin point what this kind of behavior was but i knew something just didnt sit right . My sister always helps out people without them asking and then she throws it in their face whenever she gets angry wtf is that ?

Once your eyes are wide open you really realize what you have gone through. When getting a hug feels like hugging a towel...that was never Love. ☮️💕

You have described my mother!!!

To get ANGRY is what All narcissists have in common. ANGRY 😤 angry.

This is the best description I've heard. Both of my parents are like this. In fact one year they gave gifts to everyone except my nephew, because they felt he never showed enough appreciation for any gifts they gave him.

This makes so much sense...this is why I have such a fear of accepting help and care hopefully this insight will help me gain the ability to learn how to be more open to that or at least be able to talk about it and find out if that person is safe. You can kinda tell when it's genuine for the most part... usually there's some rage or impatience like you say beneath the surface always brewing when the caretaking is more for them than it is for you. I also find that the caretaking feeds their superiority complex and used as a way to control you. I experienced sharing my mental health issues and that being used against me like I was told they were getting worse/increasing when they weren't...imagine wanting to make someone think they are going crazy so you could be the one to "help" them 😣

This is my family - mother, aunt, grandmother - to a friggin’ T. I’ve learned this, after having my mother be my “caretaker,” for the last 7yrs, due to becoming disabled/homebound. To which, ALL of my health issues? Result of Cushing’s Syndrome, symptoms misdiagnosed, beginning at the age of 6; from long-term exposure to cortisol, due to living in such a stressful environment.

I really don't understand the concept of "expecting" someone to show profound displays of gratitude. I don't understand how "expecting" & "forcing " someone to do something, makes you feel better? It is so surface level and shallow. Wouldn't it feel better if someone gave you gratitude from the bottom of their heart with real emotions? 🤔 [9:45] I Had a theory regarding this part in regards to my mother's story and now I finally have proof! Psychopaths look for victims with "disabilities" or "past hurts", so they can supposedly "save" them, but end up keeping them in a "trap" under the guidance of "assistance". Thank you!🙏🙏

That’s my mom. Especially after I moved out, she kept calling me, asking what I need, kept saying how worried she was of me and made me feel guilty for not calling her as much as she did. Funny how she was never there when I needed her love , acceptance. But she knows I don’t want anything so she keeps asking to look like a saint. So glad I finally saw the light and cut ties with that lunatic.

Endless types of narcissism

I once had a friend that was like this. She suffered with BPD in the past but had recovered over the years after intensive therapy. But she was still narcissistic and would say she cared and showed she cared in front of people so it was hard to prove how she would put me down over and over again in private. Attempt to gaslight me, incredibly irritable when I didn't give back to her in a way that she deemed equal or more than, took advantage of me repeatedly. By the end of it, I had so many anxiety attacks after spending time with her that I had to say goodbye.

These are the kinds of people they look for. They bring them in as "projects" so to speak. His primary source came to him sadly over weight, suffering from MS, just recently divorced and unhappy with her life.. Took her for every last cent she had. She lost weight and was fooled into believing if it had not been for him shed be dead or what ever. He becomes the big hero!!!!! and she looks up to him like an abusive God. She will never be good enough, for ever his project.

My mom all the way...she was a nurse too so you can imagine how much she's gotten away with. My story is similar to Gypsy Rose Blanchard's story but not exact. Thank God for my close relationship with God and for youtube to educate me on my situation. I will be just fine and so will the rest of you!

This is scarily accurate. My gosh. He adopted 3 kids and has such rigid rules did for them but when he lets his guard down he has criticisms for them all. Their flaws if you will. He gives the impression he is so wonderful but I know he secretly loathes himself. He was so tight assed. Always taking from me and never giving back. All the women he’s met have left him and he can’t even wake up to himself. Others cannot see it but because I sadly had prior experience I was fooled for a while and then realised it was actually the worst kind of narcissism. Thank you.

I had a friend once who always went overboard with her telling me how much she cared when we would re-connect. The issue is that she would constantly disappear. Ghosting. Discard. Then a year or two later she'd pop back up out of nowhere. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Buh-bye.

I really like how you mention the scapegoats always get treated less than others. "Whats the point" is a familiar low feeling i got from not just close ones but others in general society! The ONLY way they want me around is to take advantage of me and make me feel drained by their energy vampire tactic. I hated this feeling, it was very common and agitating and hurtful.

It's so difficult and draining

Wow- this is my mum! This year was the first Christmas I’ve had no contact with her and apart from the peace of not having to talk to her (and my narcissistic dad), I felt so much more relaxed than ever before. I realized that in fact I have always dreaded Christmas and birthdays because of the gifts. She would make a big deal of asking if I’d received the gift and whether I liked it and give me the story around buying it. And I always have to like it and make a show of thanking her. If I didn’t I was ungrateful and nasty. The one year it really made me laugh was when she sent some treats to my cat (who she liked more than me). He didn’t like them and I made the mistake of saying that and she got upset. Really? Over a $2 packet of cat treats? Who gives a crap whether the cat likes them or not? Does that really define somebody’s sense of importance? To her it did and probably still does. Thank you for highlighting that the guilt and fear I feel around being given something- anything- is not normal. I am working on feeling I deserve gifts from people who love me. People who really love me.

They get you dependent on them and play “Take away the Cookie” to manipulate.

What a talented and insightful doctor, whose giving free therapy that would cost 1000's of dollars in a private practice. Hats off to you. Thanks for helping me heal.

Spot on description on the altruistic narcissist parents shift in nature, when no audience there to applause them! -Living with this type of narcissist, is mind boggling and bone chilling to the core. Thank you so much for this channel!

This is the exact "relationship" my marriage has been.

Yesterday being Christmas.. I don’t even care about holidays, anymore - not until I have my own family. No matter my efforts, it always goes bad. In fact, the less effort I put in - the better it seems to go. Meaning, the worse I look - by not caring about such important “family” events - the better they look, by way of their “caring” and gift-giving efforts. Which, makes them happy. It took me moving away and taking months of cognitive behavioral therapy trainings - to figure out that my unexplainable feelings towards my family were there for very valid reasons..

My moms caretaking came with the implication that i was incompetent and incapable of caring for myself. Also implied that I was needy, pitiful, and a beggar. There were also tones of "i know what you need better than you do." And the "things i needed" were always superficial and didnt reflect my personality at all, but i was supposed to attach great depth and meaning to them by filling in the blanks. My mom feeds unheathy foods to people and buys expensive presents as a way to manipulate their opinions of her. It was just her special way of projecting toxic shame. It all became so absurd and nonsensical when i started refusing presents for me and my children. It resulted in my mom throwing endless tantrums. She really believed that she had the right to give presents to me whether i wanted them or not. Its obvious that it wasnt ever about me or my happiness or showing love. It was always a manipulation and the pressure was put on me to reflect back that she was loving and kind. I didnt feel loved but i was expected to pretend. To this day, i cannot accept presents from anyone without being deeply triggered into feelings of worthlessness and shame and emotional deprivation.

My whole life I made excuses for my mother's treatment of me, usually by confirming to myself that I was just no good, which is how she made me feel and believe. I would never ever have dared question ANYTHING she did. If I ever even hinted that I was going to talk about how I felt, or that I was going to call her out on the lies she told about me .. she would straight away attack my jugular verbally and psychologically.. it just wasn't worth it

Thank you for this. I had a hunch that this was a form of narcissism and it was great to hear you define and highlight this Well done.

Common in churches & aid/charity organisations.

As a retired psychotherapist coping with narcissistic family members, it’s really helped me to have a check up on all this fun! 😂

I have had many emotional responses to your videos, but this one made me wince. This is exactly what attracted me to my future husband, that he publicly rescued me from a humiliating situation when I was twenty. In front of hundreds of people, he saved the day. I had no way of predicting that the day after we were married, three years later, he would slap me across the face, no way of knowing that for the next 43 years he would go far out of his way to publicly humiliate me. There are tears in my eyes again. Your teachings ring so true, they always make me cry.

Thank you for this information... It helps in my path of healing.... Bless you!

This is absolutely spot on! I had a very hard time saying what type my narc is and it’s this. He has also said that he feels under appreciated. That he was less than. Such a joke.

This is my father. My mother is a covert narcissist. With my mother it was obvious but it was not that obvious with my father. My parents were divorced and my father played hero to the situation. I noticed with my father he was fine helping me when I had issues and would say he just wants respect but whenever I developed in anyway that he was not involved he was emotionally unavailable. Respect is earned. I did not take my inheritance because his help was damaging my soul and making me weak. When family members (cousin's) were toxic towards me I found myself in a situation where I was blamed by my father. Narcissism operates in a family structure. Who would of thought that generosity could be weaponised.

What an oxymoron! I did experience something similar with someone at my church. She was all ready to serve and give but I found out there was fine print at the bottom. Behind closed doors, when the important people weren’t looking, was eye-opening with her.

This is so right on target. Thank you. What's the difference between narcissistic collecting lost causes and a codependent running around rescuing people?

Just started listening. I have to say my ex husband his care looked good but he was trying to slowly kill me . That is the bottom line . Once people were out of sight if I couldn't breath he didn't care . I mean that literally. When I said I have to call 911 he would angrily take me to the hospital. Rules applied to the entire family . If I said no I paid the price . You are correct about needing people around them being less than. I walked on egg shells on the time . I spent and my children spent years with him . I will never be normal . My children have been told repeatedly that I am a very sick person ( depression) that to stay away from me . He remarried . Is wealthy. His wife is a trophy. My child are grown. He pays for everything for them . From cars to condominiums ect . In away I am happy he buys them what ever they need or want . My oldest son a lawyer has turned down his money . Money is one way he controls . I realize I sound horrible. I no longer care . I kept quite for years . I didn't know what I was dealing with . When we were first married he was very different. I was living in a lie and didn't know it . Occasionally I would say what was going on but nobody thought it was a big deal . He actually caused some physical damage that I will never get back . I learned that I had to take responsibility for myself and my children . For my physical safety and theirs. My children currently have no relationship with me . My ex husband has repeatedly said , " hopeless " , "can't do anything right " , " she doesn't get it " " she is mentally ill" , "stupid " He told other people " I am a horrible mother " . He walked out on our family when I was expecting with our third child . Lived with his secretary ( he said he needed space . I believed him ) was not around for about 2 years . Then dragged me thru the legal system for years . It finally stopped 2 years ago . At one time I was an R.N. worked in a Cardiac Step Down Unit . Mother and wife . No I am an invisible nobody.

They either want an infinite supply of thank you's or you're welcome's. You can never fill that empty gaping black hole they have.

I'm watching a narcissist nurse bring significant harm to people but the organization enables and supports her. I don't know what to do without being slandered and thrown in jail for calling it out. It's been a year and she's still at it.

You are so intuitive. This was so validating. Made me think of all the love bombing with the heart emojis and "useful" links that my mom would send me, as well as all of her advice and excessive "concern".

Thank you. It's horrible to be on the receiving end of this, i had in a relationship. Feel for all of you with parents this way. My advice is if it (treatment, kindness) seems too good to be true, it probably is!

You've just described my childhood, and particularly my life as a teenager. Narc would buy me something necessary (shoes, for example) without asking, then have an expectation that I would grovel and thank her in front of friends. If I didn't really abandon myself and do this routine, she would then turn said "friend" against me and they would engage in team tag bullying and degradation. So happy to be NC.

This is my Mom. She always needs to feel like the perfect parent and the most kind/nurturing/generous person and be praised, or we're acting spoiled/entitled/ungrateful. I have AuDHD and was chronically ill growing up and my Mom loved being my advocate, yelling at teachers and going to every doctor's appointment with me to garner sympathy. She would praise me so much to others, but would also pity me and make me feel like I was defective. She constantly expressed worry that she "did something wrong" when she raised me or when I was in the womb. Every time we went out in public she would pick at my clothes and make me stand up straighter, often making me go back inside to change or get my sister to pick my clothes. She would also come into my room without permission and angrily clean it and act furious whenever I was late or forgetful. I became too scared to wear pajamas or sleep too long because of my parent's reactions, and when they DIDN'T abuse me for my poor executive functioning and fatigue from disability they expected high praise at what a good job they were doing and how understanding they were. I've felt like such a burden my whole life, a weirdo, defective, slobby, overemotional. But she loved me being disabled because she could make me wholly dependant on her, unable to leave, and get constant sympathy and praise from her colleagues and my doctors. I'm just starting to realize that these messages I've believed might not be true. These videos have helped me so much, so thank you.