*unhealthy attachment

Tinnitus....

Me too! So good

Likewise

Same

same

Bruh it's 04:01 for me rn

Great message! Keep at it and be proud of living the life you chose. Resentment drags us behind and you've changed it to love. Very beautifully done!

Amazing!!

so beautiful!!

tears.

Jesus Christ is my savior. I'm not God, and I didn't die on a cross for the remission of all sin. I'm no savior, even to myself.

@@obscurereferences7198 don't you know who you really are??

If I say this, she will slap me then and there lol

Beautiful!

​@@luisabatistasamoraI'm totally agree with you because we can't depend our happiness to someone or things, cause the most important we need to create our own happiness,work on our self to be a better version of your slef

You're welcome! There's nothing wrong with chasing someone, per se. It's more that we're often actually running away from ourselves and abandoning our own inner power in order to do so. Often when we feel the need to chase, or to prove our worth to the person we're interested in, it can come from a situation where early in life we felt we needed to prove ourselves to our parents, maybe we needed to achieve or people please in order for them to be happy, or had to make sure everything was perfect. In my case, this was paired with a deep rooted fear of abandonment. The crazy thing is that this fear of being abandoned by somebody else causes us to consistently abandon ourselves. We change the way we behave, what we say and do, in order to please other people. We start to make them happy at our own expense, hoping to fulfill that pattern and make sure they won't leave us - all the while subtly sending ourselves the message that WE don't have our own backs. Just keep doing your best and learning and growing from the experience and giving yourself some grace when you temporarily slide back into old patterns. We're all doing the best we can!

And it's less and attracting others, more about becoming true to yourself and in your own energy. Then, we might attract situations and people more aligned to our true self 🎯

Absolutely! If I can admit it here...the attracting others is a bit of a lure I use to get people to watch. Because so many people come with that inner sense of lack and they want the easy fix. So I try to hook people with what they want, and then do my best to deliver the deeper aspect of what they need haha But it's absolutely about becoming true to yourself and in your own energy, the attracting other people and situations that resonate with the new energy is a side effect of the deeper transformation

True

Your life become hollow.

Absolutely! It's a tricky subject to address for exactly that reason. The very nature of our tendency to see things from a place of insecurity, scarcity, and fear means that we're so quick to jump straight to self-condemnation when we develop self-awareness. When I realize that the common problem behind many of the problems in my relationships is my own inner insecurity, in a sense, that gives me ammunition to feel even MORE insecure and alone and flawed. That's where the negative feedback loop can begin. So you're absolutely right that we must give ourselves some grace and empathy and look at these things with love instead of shame. Interestingly, that whole process also feeds into the authentic embodiment of being your best self anyway! Because when we find peace with who we are, and are able to accept our so-called flaws, that's when we no longer feel that need for endless validation and reassurance! So, acceptance and empathy are a huge part of the equation.

Why you watch these videos then?

Thank you so much! Glad it resonated with you!

That feels like truth to me, if we were good enough we would have someone.

Yes, me too, felt relief hearing the message at the end, after having been ghosted, hit me hard

@@ritapeters1330 Press on, girl 💪🏻

Quite an interesting point of view given your account name of soul-etude, which I at first imagined was a combination of "soul" and "solitude" but perhaps I'm wrong there? I agree with some of what you're saying. I think there's nothing necessarily wrong with taking the first move, or expressing your feelings. Those are great things! I think the trick is we often get "I love the feeling of being with you" confused with "I love you". When our love is born out of how good it makes us feel about ourselves, we can start to cling to the other person out of fear instead of love. We're often addicted, rather than truly in "love". Expecting others to be willing to give themselves to the relationship is absolutely fine, once again, so long as that is a clearly communicated boundary. But when we're in these patterns of insecurity, we tend to try to get people to meet our needs not through vulnerability and communication, but by subtle manipulation, people pleasing, or passive-aggression. I do disagree when you say a man and woman are never complete unless they are together, and that codependency is healthy. They say a relationship is when two become one, not when two halves become whole. We obviously need to depend on other human beings for our physical well-being. Even Anthony De Mello, whose exercise I showcase in the video, said "we must depend on the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker." But as long as we are psychologically dependent on somebody else for our own sense of inner worth and security, that's where the problems start to come from. You say you need another person to heal whatever the issue is, and I think that can be true in a sense - often it's through these experiences that we find inner clarity, but we need to commit to the healing ourselves. If we're USING the other person to avoid our inner issues, that's a problem. If we're being authentic and vulnerable and allowing the relationship to be a healing space for us to more authentically embody our own energy and to deepen the relationship as well, that's amazing. I'm not at all saying relationships are a sign of insecurity, or wanting a relationship isn't a healthy normal thing. A lot of it comes down to not "what you do" but "why you're doing it". If your motivation is subtly based in fear and insecurity and trying to make yourself feel whole, you'll tend to push people away. If your motivation is based in inner wholeness and wanting to authentically connect and experience another person, then you'll tend to bring people together. To your final point, wanting a relationship doesn't make you insecure at all. Needing a relationship to feel valued and worthy is a symptom of a deep rooted insecurity. There's nothing wrong with WANTING connection. It's when you feel worthless without it that we need to look into the deeper roots, in my opinion!

Fair enough! I'm sorry to hear she passed away. I suppose what I'm trying to get at in the video is less about texting itself and more about the energy dynamic involved. It's not so much that not responding to texts is a sign of security (it could be, but it could also be avoidance or people just not liking texting) it's more that people obsessing over "why isn't this person responding" are most often operating out of anxiety and insecurity. Of course, I have to paint in broad strokes for the sake of the video, but I agree there's more nuance to it

I 100% agree that we have to ask ourselves that same question! I certainly don't intend to advocate "fake" letting go in pursuit of external outcome. I'm advocating for finding real insight into your own patterns to develop inner wholeness. I view the attractiveness part as almost a side effect of reconciling the inner battle.

@@andrewvanhoff Beautiful answer. The paradox of getting what you want when you finally don't want it, it's so annoying ain't it haha

Had to sub

Thanks! I use a Sony A7IV and usually my 24mm 1.4 G-Master lens.

It was opposite for me, we were together 3 years, I got pregnant, and he became a different, cruel person. To an extreme. I know the pain you are going through, it is deep. I’m 4 years on the other side of it, I have not formed a new relationship as I was caring for my daughter. Just started putting myself back out there. I recommend learning and using the Emotion Code technique, that you can teach yourself on KZfaq. Basically you use muscle testing and release techniques to identify and release trapped negative emotions, without reactivating them-like you do in talk therapy. I would also recommend reprogramming your self concept & identity with nighttime affirmation tracks while you sleep. It takes about 3 weeks for the new beliefs to be embedded in your subconscious. Dylan James has a great channel explaining everything, with amazing free tracks at night. I also love Brian Scott’s channel The Reality Revolution-best book club in the galaxy! The High Frequency Guru has an amazing channel with affirmations/rampages/subliminals that through the power of repetition, will completely change your identity, passively. Beliefs about yourself Beliefs about yourself & others, and how they show up for you Beliefs about relationships Start with self concept first, and your beliefs about reality. Train your beliefs about your abilities, like you’re a limitless manifestor. Or that affirmations work instantly for you. You have to saturate your brain with the new concept with repetition. Then focus on money, and your relationship with money. Especially if you want to have a family, you’ll need your resources set. Then focus on relationships. Don’t waste your time talking to a therapist activating the old story. Change your thoughts/beliefs and your entire world will change!

@@luckyluckylucky2261 Im really sorry to hear you can relate to my situation and have lived through it, even if from the otherside i cannot imagine it would've been an easy road to navigate. Thank you for taking the time to read my comment and also reach out and reply, im going to look into the emotion code technique and then delve into the affirmations. I have heard of affirmations but honestly i just dismissed them, thanks for the channels i will give them a try, what did you find helped you be open minded enough to be willing to listen to them and then i guess believe them to be true ? How did you reframe yourself to be willing to accept them ? Im still finding myself stuck in the negative feedback loop as my ex ultimately holds all the cards and the narrative, as our child is still unborn i am not sure what that future looks like for me, a few things have been made somewhat clear and they arent positive so im finding the beliefs in myself hard to disassemble, if that makes sense ? Thanks again for the insight and advice, i truely do appreciate it.

@@luckyluckylucky2261 hey, sorry i had replied but it seems as though it hadnt sent. Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to reach out, also for reading and providing all the resources you did and the insight. Im really sorry to hear you've had a similar experience but its nice to see you've made it out the otherside and are moving forward with it, your daughter is very lucky. It feels bittersweet for me being the one thats been pushed out with no closure, after being told one thing for so long and to have the rug pulled out from underneath. Difficult to surrender all control especially when someone else is controlling the narrative and weaponising a child, especially one thats currently still growing. Ill be having a look into the emotional techniques you mentioned and open myself upto the manifestations, thank you again.

Thank you for sharing your story! It sounds incredibly challenging and confusing to navigate such a complicated situation as that. Breakups are hard enough when there are no children involved, let alone unborn children. I realized in reading your account name, that this is in essence, an opportunity to let life move you. There aren't going to be any clear answers, things aren't going to make sense, and you probably won't know if you're doing the "right" thing. And that's okay. Finding peace in the uncertainty and taking it one day at a time is likely the most grace and love you can give yourself through this process. As long as you're doing your best to be your authentic self, to live each day as well as you can, and to be there for your child in whatever capacity you're able when the time comes, what else can you really do? There may be an inner voice saying that's not good enough - but if you're doing everything that's possible, that's all anyone can ask. I think the deeper opportunity here is to see what this challenge will reveal in yourself and show you about who you are and who you can be. In the meantime, it will likely be very challenging, so also taking the opportunity to have some compassion and grace for yourself in the process will be part of the journey. I'm sorry I don't have any clear "do this 3x a day and you'll be fine" type answers, but I appreciate you sharing your story and I hope the absolute best for you

The thrill of the chase is hard to ignore.

Pursue, not chase.

Another bit of wisdom from Anthony De Mello (whose letting go mental exercise I used in the video) is that most people don't really want to be happy. Instead they want thrills. We tend to be addicted to that inner push-pull of self worth and validation. Chasing is fun because we enjoy the highs of the emotional rollercoaster. Which is fine, if you're into that! But you also have to accept that typically, what goes up must come down, right?

It's actually all about dopamine that's releasing. You continue to chase but once you obtain the dopamine will stop and you lose interest. This is why the thrill of the thought of getting the girl is usually better than actually obtaining her. You will crash eventually if you continue to chase

Step 1: Be blessed (or, depending on your perspective, cursed) with thick wavy hair genetics. Step 2: Occasionally get a haircut. I'm afraid that's about all there is to it haha

I don't at all mean to suggest it's "easy" to let go. Just that it's the only option you really have, and it's the way towards healing and growth instead of bitterness and suffering. Because if somebody's gone, they're gone. You can't hold on. What you're really holding on/ letting go are your ideas about yourself and what you thought your life was. And that's why it's hard. I agree that our modern attention span and the feeling of chasing the next intense feeling at the expense of deep connection and authenticity is a problem. And I think really the most important thing is mustering as much of yourself to be present, real, authentic and vulnerable in relationships. I don't think just ghosting people when things get hard is the solution AT ALL. I just think we need to be introspective and allow ourselves and our partners to expand and grow together in relationships, which becomes hard when we're overly dependent on who they are FOR US. Then we can actually resent them for changing or growing, because we feel like we're getting left behind. In reality we're the ones leaving ourselves behind. I'm only saying that we need to stop abandoning ourselves in order to more thoroughly connect and be there for our partners in a real way. All that said, you're right that talking about it is one thing, and going through the agony of a long term relationship falling apart is another thing. I've felt the complete shattering of who I thought I was when a relationship fell apart. My entire purpose in life felt like it had been ripped apart. So I'm very sorry if that's something you're going through. I don't mean to come across as preachy or that you're doing it wrong by missing your partner. Not at all. I only mean to say that I hope people who feel broken use it as an opportunity to expand and find understanding, rather than as more evidence they're unlovable. I want to encourage people to use that pain as a catalyst to transform their relationship with themselves, their partners, and life itself, and not to become hardened, hurt, and afraid.

​@@andrewvanhoff It is so sweet you took time to respond to this comment in this way. I really love what you are saying about authenticity and vulnerability. I feel like I am at a point where I am pushed to become like the others, and lose that part of myself. Because it doesn't bring the results I would hope for. But you're right, I shouldn't despair. I know there are people out there that would appreciate that in me, I just haven't had luck so far. Thanks!

I liked your anecdote. What I have come to know is that you should always believe that the tables will turn for you. And they will.

@@heematara27 Well thats a bit of a stretch dont you think?

@@johnrainsman6650 You mean what Sarah did to you once you turned away from her, or believing that the tables will always turn for you?

@@heematara27 The "always turn for you" comment. A bit of a big assumption, I would say, since "always" is a big word. I mean, I only talked about Sarah. I still have yet to see if there will be a third time she comes to me when she doesn't have to (like at the bartending station when I was a few feet away and the bar when I "didn't" notice her and she touched me).

@@johnrainsman6650 Always is a big word. But life happens to you based on your beliefs. What you believe is possible is possible.

Great question! And it's a bit complicated of an answer, so bear with me here. I think desire and pleasure are a very interesting topic. The real question I think is what the desire or pleasure might be distracting us from. Imo there's nothing wrong with pleasure, other than the fact that we often use it as an escape. And we want more of it in new ways all the time, which brings us out of touch with the present moment. We get stuck in chasing a past high, trying to relive an authentic moment of intense experience through repeating the same action mechanically over and over. I'm certainly no expert in the space, but it seems to me that denying ourselves pleasure almost becomes another source of desire. In other words that same desire that leads to chasing pleasure shifts into an intense desire to not chase pleasure. Therefore, as you said, your desire is now focused on denying yourself pleasure. That intense "wanting" is still there, it's just redirected. So I think the underlying question is WHY? Why do we desire to distract ourselves with pleasure? Why do we desire to deny ourselves pleasure? And that's something that you can only find out for yourself. To me it seems like most addictions. Taking away alcohol is a temporary solution, and quite possibly necessary, but the deeper question is what's driving the person to drink in the first place? If the person clearly sees the drinking as being something that is destroying their life, and believes their life is worth living, then the answer is clear. It's when the clarity around these things gets murky that we get caught up in self destructive patterns and then trying to wilfully hold ourselves back from those patterns. If you really want to go into it there are some great (although very deep) videos on youtube of J. Krishnamurti talking about these things.

@@andrewvanhoff thanks for the answer. Interesting thoughts

I've read through that book! I think that attachment styles are a fascinating thing to learn about. At the same time I think that some of the approaches books can take are a little surface-level, in that they help us address the symptoms that may present themselves on a daily basis but they often stop short of finding that deeper inner wholeness to be secure. Some books give specific examples of things you can do to help your relationship if you're avoidant, for example, but some don't necessarily go deeply into how to work on NOT being an avoidant anymore. Overall though, great book and fascinating topic to dive into. I think the awareness of your attachment style, when paired with other forms of inner work (letting go, inner child healing, etc) really does provide a great framework for understanding a lot of your own behavior and patterns.

@@andrewvanhoff totally agree! Thank you for your videos that do a deeper dive into these patterns and life examples. You are awesome!

I agree 100%! In fact, it's challenging when making a video on this topic to not accidentally slide too far into the "you should avoid relationships and be alone and work on yourself forever" mindset. I think that's an easy conclusion for the person who feels hurt or misses somebody, or feels unlovable. And I don't advocate for hardening your heart to life at all! Relationships are an amazing way of growing and learning things about ourselves we never would have realized otherwise. My belief is a relationship will never fix you, but they will often do a great job of revealing where you feel broken. What you do then is the important part. The relationship can be an amazing catalyst for growth and your partner MAY help you transform that inner wound, or they may not. As you said, many people who have been in relationships for years ARE desperate, and hoping to find love and acceptance or validation or belonging or some semblance of not feeling alone, and you can feel that way even in a "relationship" that has been going on for decades. We are, as you said, all doing our best and just wanting to be loved. In my opinion it's not about being completely detached to the point where you no longer feel anything for other people, not at all. If anything, that's just another defense mechanism for people who are so jaded that they're trying to hide from the world, right? It's more about understanding our fears and insecurities so that we might be more fully present in a relationship. So that we can be more authentic and connected with our partners, and less needy and insecure. A true connection is a beautiful thing that should be honored and cherished. On the other hand, if you're using your partner to hide from yourself, that's where I think it warrants some introspection.

@@andrewvanhoff Thank you for taking the time to write such a deep and well thought answer. ❤