Step 1: Be blessed (or, depending on your perspective, cursed) with thick wavy hair genetics. Step 2: Occasionally get a haircut. I'm afraid that's about all there is to it haha

The funny thing about letting go is you can't really fake it. For instance, from your question I can tell you're still holding on. No judgment, I've done it too, but the very words you're using show that you're not letting go at all. If you're actually letting go, there's nothing to turn around - because you're letting go of trying to turn it around. It's more about inner insight stemming from understanding why you chase in the first place. That understanding can change how you act and how you relate to people, and THAT is what will change how your relationships work.

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through so much pain. Give yourself some grace and some patience. It's gonna hurt and it's gonna suck, and that's part of the process. It's about being there for yourself throughout the process, instead of blaming/hurting/abandoning yourself throughout the process. That said, like I mentioned in the video I think it's less about cutting off contact with others and really more about reestablishing contact with yourself. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with keeping contact with exes or their families, it's just that we often do that at the expense of our own lives. So I'd say you can maintain (or cut) contact with whoever you'd like, so long as you're able to internally accept that you can't control what's going to happen, and start to move on in your own life. It's really the staying mentally stuck on the ex that hurts us the most. When we're refusing to continue our own lives, that's what does the most damage. I see no contact as a part of embracing our own lives because we are forced to sever those ties that are holding us back - but if you understand the whole process and you're okay with things being what they are, then there's no real reason you couldn't continue to occasionally talk. But part of that is accepting that the other person might not WANT to talk. And that's okay too, as much as it might hurt. Most importantly, take some time to breathe, maybe go outside, reconnect with yourself and life and nature. It's so easy to get stuck in a mental doomspiral over these things, and reestablishing contact with reality is a huge help.

As I said during the video, if you're using no contact as a strategy to get somebody, it won't work well. Because you're trying to get your addiction back, right? So when the person comes back, you go right back to how things were before (and how they were before was a relationship that fell apart) As I see it, true reconnection has to allow both you and the other person to allow yourselves to change and grow and reconnect in a NEW way, not to go back to the old way. Because the old way didn't work, by it's very definition. If you've broken out of craving the old way and instead embraced your new journey and the opportunity for growth, now you might relate to that person differently, allowing the relationship to not fall back into that same old pattern

The point is to let go. Not for them to come back. To fill your life with so much happiness that your detach from the outcome

Firstly, I truly feel for your pain. (In fact I cried myself to sleep for about a month following the breakup I talked about in the video) That said, it's okay to miss somebody and give yourself time to grieve and feel pain. We're all human after all. What I encourage for you is some reflection on that little mental exercise I mentioned, visualizing the fork in the path, and then giving yourself permission to explore your new path. If you're still wanting her there, then ironically you're also still carrying her with you. Letting go of that person (more importantly your ideas about that person) is what will allow you to move forward. So my honest advice would be to stop pursuing no contact as a "tactic" or something you need to do for a certain timeframe and start living your own life again. No contact isn't a method as far as I see it, but rather an attitude of openness and acceptance towards life.

@@andrewvanhoff I really appreciate your support and advice. Thanks 👍

Thanks for asking such a great question! There's a lot of nuance here so bear with me - there IS what is called a "secure" attachment style (as opposed to "anxious" and "avoidant" attachment styles which are characterized as "insecure") In layman's terms, it's possible to be healthily attached to somebody. It's when both partners have an "I'm okay - You're okay" attitude, and see their partner as just that, a partner and another living (beautifully flawed) human being. When we're insecurely attached, we start deriving our self-worth from the relationship. The relationship can become not a partnership, as such, but a bit of an addiction. This also damages our ability to be vulnerable and authentic with our partner because we're worried about messing with the source of our drug. Now, feeling pain over a loss is normal. Missing somebody is normal. Hurting after a breakup is absolutely okay, and I'd advocate for giving yourself a lot of time to feel through the pain and allow yourself to experience the hurt. Even if you're securely attached and love somebody, there's a very human part of you that will likely feel pain and anguish over them leaving, at least for a while. But the less secure we are, the more addicted, so to speak, then the more we can become stuck after a breakup. Stuck in a mire of emotions, past patterns, self judgments, and desperately wishing we had our ex back. Love allows you to experience who somebody really is, in all their uniqueness and beauty. Attachment (at least the insecure characteristics) is when you're basing your own worth on your ideas of somebody else. The trouble is that also leads to controlling, since we need to maintain that self worth. So to answer your question. Relationships are amazing. Discovering who somebody is, having a deep and real connection, and the capability to be intimate and authentic with people is a beautiful thing. Attachment actually gets in the way of real relationships being created and maintained because I'm so worried about ME that I can't connect with YOU. Attachment gets in the way of vulnerability and authenticity, which are the cornerstone of real relationships. If you can't be REAL with somebody, is there a relationship at all? A relationship between what, ideas of each other? Real, deep relationships are beautiful, and that's what I'd encourage people to explore creating for themselves. We also need to accept that sometimes those things end. It might be painful and hurtful. But that ending can be the start of a new journey for each person. It's when we look at that ending as THE END that we get stuck. I'm trying to help people get themselves unstuck, and to see that the ending of the relationship is merely the START of the next chapter. And we'll never learn and grow and become more comfortable with ourselves if we stay at the junction refusing to move. That's where a lot of broken people live their entire lives. TLDR: Creating and maintaining relationships is great. Too much identification and attachment actually get in the way of true relationship because we can't be vulnerable.

I want to thank you very much for your response, all your work helps me move towards my authenticity

My pleasure! I appreciate the genuine question. There's a lot of nuance to these things, and it's challenging to navigate. Really I think one of the best things we can do is just do our best to start with some grace and compassion for ourselves and others, because even in the most insecure relationships, people are just doing their best.

You likely were trying too much and overthinking - and you might still be doing that if you're seeing this as a strategy to try on somebody. Respectfully, I don't think it's a strategy to use "on somebody" at all. It's a new way of seeing things that MAY change the way people react to you, but it starts from understanding, not really "planning".

I feel like there are some differences in the meaning behind the phrase “not giving a f*ck”-one is to not actually outwardly express excitement or feelings that you are emotionally invested or to try not to get emotionally invested in the first place… the other meaning that I think is going on here is to not let external factors, situations, or people be the one’s who decide and/or dictate your own sense of well-being and worth… I think that it is healthy and great to express one’s feelings in life and to get excited about things or dating or romance (if you feel that way, you feel that way and that’s all valid!)-the other way of being is about saying-“I am the one who decides what [insert external situation/person/outcome] means for me-I will not let that be the ultimate decider of my self-worth and well-being. If something doesn’t happen, I’m allowed to feel disappointed, unhappy, etc. but I am willing to face things going wrong/awry because I will handle it and it will not be my end-all-be-all because at the end of the day I am always my end-all-be-all before anything else! I don’t know if that made sense… but I felt like the idea of not giving a f*ck also has this connotation of pretending not to care or not caring in the first place, which I don’t think was what was meant in the video

Fair enough! I'm sorry to hear she passed away. I suppose what I'm trying to get at in the video is less about texting itself and more about the energy dynamic involved. It's not so much that not responding to texts is a sign of security (it could be, but it could also be avoidance or people just not liking texting) it's more that people obsessing over "why isn't this person responding" are most often operating out of anxiety and insecurity. Of course, I have to paint in broad strokes for the sake of the video, but I agree there's more nuance to it

accepting yourself means saying “yes this is wrong with me. Now what can I do to make this better without sacrificing myself?” instead of saying “I’ll be complicit with my self destructive habits”