The Nurturance of Being Known

Рет қаралды 24,921

Күн бұрын

In this video, I use a developmental perspective to argue that being known by another person is just as vital to life as listening to a baby's cries to figure out what they need and that the first step in helping people overcome childhood trauma is to help them feel known at every level of their being again.
Animation by Thomas Moon

Пікірлер: 92

@wombat7961 5 ай бұрын

There is an over intellectualization in therapy content, as someone trying to self-heal and self-treat I find that the most comforted I've been in 5,000hrs is the insightful oversimplification that emotional intellectuals like Jacob Ham brings to the conversation

@JacobHamPhD 5 ай бұрын

I feel seen! lol

@chiyokoosborne653 6 жыл бұрын

All of your videos are so on-point for my adult life, even though they focus on children! I learn every time I watch them. Thank you for posting

@willow8665 6 жыл бұрын

I love your videos because you're very informative and you're very good at explaining stuff but also, it really seems like you care and it's like you're talking to me directly and giving me advice? I don't know how to explain it but it's really nice thank you

@JacobHamPhD 6 жыл бұрын

Wow... That might be the most touching compliment I've gotten from this work I'm trying to accomplish through these videos. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this.

@Kikipotamus Жыл бұрын

I agree. Right after I finished Stephanie Foo's book, I rushed to find Dr. Ham online. The next day I was telling everyone I knew what a life-changing book it was, and I added, "Just watching Dr. Ham speak feels healing." I think you've nailed why.

@powderstone8187 4 жыл бұрын

I really appreciate your calm, soothing demeanor as much as the quality, digestible information that you are providing with these videos. Thank you very much for making them.

@JacobHamPhD 4 жыл бұрын

So nice of you

@rebeccalewis-pankratz2634 5 жыл бұрын

This is so fascinating. I was in church a couple of weeks ago and our pastor told a story. Someone said to him, “Kids these days think they are SO special. They take pics of their breakfast and then put it on social media and want everyone to like it!” Pastor replied, “Friend the problem isn’t that kids these days think they are SO special, the problem is that our youth don’t know how TRULY special they are!” I also work a great deal with teachers and a couple of years ago I began to realize just how badly our teachers are hurting from the trauma and behaviors that so many kids are bringing to school. I started naming that FIRST. Powerful things began to occur when I first recognized what our helpers are going through. After spending a great deal of time with the research, I have come to conclude, Resilience means, I see you. I hear you. I am with you.

@JacobHamPhD 5 жыл бұрын

Yes, yes, yes!

@flip1980ful 6 жыл бұрын

Im in tears. Thanks for your clear point of view.

@93parasol 6 жыл бұрын

This made me cry.. different kind of perspective and I like it so much... I've seen and read almost everything there is about attachment, but this really got to me, I feel warm inside right now, like something is getting lighted at.. the feeling I've had troughout almost all of my life.. the feeling of not belonging annywhere, the very least in my own body. To have these very few memories of real belonging - and then I had them taken away from me again. I don't know who I am and almost no one knows me. Thank you so much for this video

@JacobHamPhD 6 жыл бұрын

Oh, you touched me. I hope you find a really warm-hearted therapist to help you reclaim this felt sense of being known.

@maria.1313 2 жыл бұрын

Wow this is so illuminating! The part where you talked about the baby saying the word truck and expecting the repetition made me realize the importance of validation and the despair that settles in if not received. What fascinating beings we are as humans and how tender the life process is. Thank you 🤍🙏

@sm0kebaby 3 жыл бұрын

I don't know if this was on purpose, but when the layers of self for each of those people (at 3:51) come together like a Venn diagram, that was an epiphany for me. Intimacy is based on how deeply our layers of self overlap with someone else's. Superficial relationships are based on overlap in identity & meaning only (like sports fans at an event who have their favourite team in common and they rally together against the opposing one), and intimacy gets deeper with the overlapping of additional layers.

@JacobHamPhD 3 жыл бұрын

Yes! it was totally intentional and i'm so happy you picked it up. I wrote this bog about the same thing (drjacobham.com/blog/2020/9/25/pulsing-poignancy) In great therapy moments, my body becomes a hollow body guitar primed to resonate harmoniously with another person's guitar. Each string a different layer of self: thoughts, emotions, intentions, identity and purpose. Presence only full when strings are tuned through my own work, my own healing. Then, my guitar can coax another to tune, to heal, to sing soaring sonorously. ..."While my guitar gently weeps" - The Beatles

@antheakaranasos2047 3 ай бұрын

Dr. Ham … As I started reading your guitar metaphor, I thought immediately of George Harrison’s “As My Guitar Gently Weeps” which I’m learning on the guitar. On my way right now to the bookshop to pick up 2 books I ordered - No Bad Parts & You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For (found on your website’s recommended books list). Listening to you on this video & in several interviews recently has me realizing how the “really being seen” aspect of human development has been missing from my life since babyhood. I discovered family systems work (through Bradshaw) when I was pregnant with my 34 year old daughter). I’ve done Family Systems work plus ACA + Alanon + talk therapy. Having just discovered Internal Family Systems in your interview with Dan Harris opened my eyes to a whole other aspect of healing I had missed out on (as had my therapists!!). I’m 67 & very excited to begin learning more about the parts that dwell within me that are waiting to be seen & heard & loved. I do worry though that without being truly seen by others, my healing can only go so far. Maybe it’s enough for me to truly see myself ♥️🕊️🤞🏼🙏

@amandaneuwirth6985 4 жыл бұрын

This is one of the most incredible explanations I've seen! I had to watch it twice. Thank you so much for breaking down something so complex in a way which is so accessible.

@LoveBeliefTruth 3 жыл бұрын

You have really understood what it is about to carry trauma. This is all that I need to cure myself. But in this country alonness is idealized, also psychiatrics really emphasize extreme independence. Relevance of interaction for human psyche is not seen in the measures it should. Trauma is all about social wound. You cannot cure it by dealing with it alone.

@LoveBeliefTruth 3 жыл бұрын

They of course read the same theory, but when I talk to them, they respond - you should cope alone. Your nees for support from other humans is unhealthy. Although it is even not unproportioned at all! I’m the invisible child, victim of sexual abuse, living completely alone. And yet they pin point that my need to be seen and supported (I need comforting, and feeling that other are behind me, to know there’s people who support me so that they wouldn’t do the same, as predators, if they got chance.) So I need to cure my self alone and live alone. Very very stigmatised.

@2010ivona 3 жыл бұрын

When i said in therapy that i have no motivation because i'm always alone, she just twisted it and said you need to deal with your problems by yourself, no one's going to help you in life. I never said i want others to deal with my problems. It's very sad and unprofessional to hear something like that from someone who lives from supposedly helping others. It's obvious that those kind of therapists don't really understand people and that they chose the wrong profession. You need to already be a natural psychologist to work with people, you can't learn it from the book.

@Bkind2all. Жыл бұрын

This Man delivers a message in a way I can receive, on point and Love it.

@hellie_el 7 ай бұрын

dear dr. ham, we need you. please make more of these kind of videos. ❤❤❤

@nissengoldman4474 2 жыл бұрын

My favorite quote as a teenager was by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “it is a luxury to be understood.” While this is obviously something I now disagree with it was then obviously a hard truth of life for me. Something I was trying to communicate, perhaps a way of crying out for help.

@keshakellogg5995 Жыл бұрын

That's a beautiful reflection. Thank you for sharing the quote and your experience. 💓

@francescaeldridge Жыл бұрын

So true. It is so soothing when someone simply and genuinely asks, "how are you?" 😥❤

@s69dstorm 5 жыл бұрын

Thank you for being.

@knottypigeon719 Жыл бұрын

this five year old video is making me learn so much about myself. i’m very appreciative of this.

@speedypete4987 3 жыл бұрын

Wow! This is actually super profound and well worth a repeat viewing for sure. As a neglected child who was sent away to an overseas orphanage, I can say, you know your subject matter, very well indeed. Also, the tone of your voice is so soothing. I feel kinda heard and understood. The diagrams help too. Thank you.

@JacobHamPhD 3 жыл бұрын

thank you so much! i always wanted these videos to be a form of healing in the world.

@karenflower697 7 жыл бұрын

Beautifully explained, thank you. :)

@ratsandpets1133 Жыл бұрын

I’ve been really lucky to gain mentors and friends who have really seen me this year and that I am aware enough now to appreciate it and feel that joy. Thicht naht Hanh’s writings complement the trauma work you and others have done. It’s astounding how much clearer and calmer my body is when I feel attuned. Your work and Stephanie Foos book along with Thay’s writings confirmed what I was hoping for, that genuineness is out there, it may just come in many different forms so listen softly :) Thank you. ❤

@tonyburton419 7 ай бұрын

Feeling internally - a felt sense that you "matter" to another person. You live in their mind - even when you are not there. They feel about you - perhaps have an unsettling concern about you, when this other knows all is not well with you. As adults - this would be hopefully mutual.....then you are both known, and have been seen.

@Hydrocarbonateable Жыл бұрын

THis was legitimately paradigm-shifting. I felt so soothed just watching it. Everything suddenly makes sense about this weird, desperate lack I feel all the time after losing both my friends and my ability to do art. When I have friends, I feel known, and when I was without friends, I could feel known, at least to myself, through my art. Without both, I feel like a spinning top all the time. Fascinating. Definitely going to watch more of your videos. Thank you for the calm voice, and the nice graphics too. They made me smile. :)

@zoubirabismail7580 4 жыл бұрын

Thanks a lot, well informative content, hope I'll be able to get ride of those childhood drawbacks one-day, I suffered like a hell of emotional neglect

@AdinaFXV 10 ай бұрын

thank you for this and also all of the other videos, they are informative and help me understand

@musicbrazilian7065 5 жыл бұрын

You have communicated very well, it is so true I have meet people genuinely interested in my past which has helped me to heal and feel more emotionally regulated as you said. I am still in therapy which helps but thank you for teaching us in this video how we can help ourselves and others to acquire a more secure attachment style.

@healcptsd6467 6 жыл бұрын

It went very well! Crystal clear!

@laurabrown8161 5 жыл бұрын

SO VALUABLE!!! THANK YOU. you beautifully explained this profound topic.

@linnmusic 4 жыл бұрын

thank you for making these videos, they help me alot to understand my childhood self. your voice is also very calming to listen to!

@JacobHamPhD 4 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

@DanielRobertsxl 6 жыл бұрын

Thank you, this answered a lot of my questions.

@jannethdominguez8375 5 жыл бұрын

Thank you very much. I am learning so much!

@martharodriguez5769 4 жыл бұрын

This is amazing......I’m so happy I found this channel

@boringmod 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for spending time on the animated videos

@perfectlycontented 6 ай бұрын

This breaks my heart

@smokydogy 4 жыл бұрын

Incredibly heart warming and reassuring thank you so much

@mru488 2 жыл бұрын

I am so glad I found your channel today..

@erxfav3197 3 жыл бұрын

I really like this channel and I’m very thankful to have found it

@JacobHamPhD 3 жыл бұрын

thank you

@ziggamalay 4 жыл бұрын

Great video Jacob! Keep up the excellent work!

@cat679 Жыл бұрын

Found your videos recently, I really love your soft and gentle voice

@JacobHamPhD Жыл бұрын

Oh thank you!

@infinitehope4111 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for all your beautiful videos They have really helped understand people better . I am so grateful for your videos and the way you express it. I hope everyone gets to watch your videos 🤞 Keep posting more videos like this ❤

@deuteronomy3162 Жыл бұрын

Wow you are a gift from Jesus. This makes so much sense. I wish I had known this when my sons were new. I would have talked and talked with them.

@micheleparadis2808 Жыл бұрын

This video is profound. Your voice is very soothing. Thank you 🙏

@JacobHamPhD Жыл бұрын

Wow, thank you

@ifrls 6 жыл бұрын

Appreciating your work so much! And I'm binging on your videos as if it were Netflix. (or manna?)

@JacobHamPhD 6 жыл бұрын

hooray! that's so cool. What a joyful comment. Thank you.

@antheakaranasos2047 3 ай бұрын

Me too ♥️♥️

@melliecrann-gaoth4789 2 жыл бұрын

Very good. I’m sharing this one. Thank you.

@JacobHamPhD 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing!

@twoplustwoequalsfour48 Жыл бұрын

I can’t believe what I can learn. I’m speechless…almost 🤗

@TheAzerbijian 4 жыл бұрын

Mirroring

@JacobHamPhD 4 жыл бұрын

yeah, totally. Mirroring with your heart and mind.

@danilles.4247 4 жыл бұрын

I want to be known and allow others to really see me but the notion of being vulnerable is so explicitly painful and uncomfortable and brings about so many fears. I feel like I am constantly switching between opening up and immediately recoiling again. I am stuck in a fear-based mindset and despite my desire to change the pattern, I cannot.

@JacobHamPhD 4 жыл бұрын

yes, it's incredibly difficult. But, you have to keep trying. Growth only happens at the edge of discomfort.

@celty5858 Жыл бұрын

I think that’s impossible for me because everywhere I am I feel like people only misunderstand me and try to apply who they think I am to me without actually knowing me or trying to know or understand me, and at this point I’m fine not being known by anyone. I’d rather share myself only with people I love.

@deborah3709 7 ай бұрын

More please

@LoveBeliefTruth 3 жыл бұрын

❤️

@jadarogers2785 6 жыл бұрын

Hello, I saw that you have videos made for two of the attachment styles (ambivalent and avoid ant), is the pleaser, victim/controller attachment styles included? Just curious if you had any more thoughts on specific goals for the ambivalent attachment style, working towards a secure attachment. Thanks!

@JacobHamPhD 6 жыл бұрын

Hi Jada, I find that the most important thing I'm doing in lots of my therapies is helping people become comfortable leading with vulnerability and learning to say what you really want in the most sincere and honest way, without attack or anger or indignation. I think these feelings are what the ambivalent person ends feeling the most or focuses most on instead of the underlying wish, hurt, or need.

@jadarogers2785 6 жыл бұрын

Jacob Ham okay yes, that is very helpful. I will keep that in mind. thank you!

@Frank-ky8bk Жыл бұрын

You have lived a pampered soft life. You have been cared for and nurtured. You have been supported and encouraged. Not everyone has. Some people must submit early on to the "survival of the fittest dogma. It's no fun but it's that or get run over. SURVIVE THE ABUSE IS RULE ONE. REMEMBER GOD HATES YOU AND WILL NOT HELP YOUR NEED TO SURVIVE. YOU MUST LEARN TO ABSORB THE PAIN BUT NEVER NEVER LET ANYONE KNOW YOU'RE IN PAIN. HUMANS ARE LIKE HUNGARY WOLVES IF THEY SMELL WEAKNESS THEY ATTACK. FOR MANY THERE IS ONE LAYER OF BEING HUMAN. SURVIVAL.

@antheakaranasos2047 3 ай бұрын

I’m so sorry that your life has been like this. If you can find some interviews with Dr Ham where he tells a bit about his early life, you’ll discover that he was not at all pampered & did indeed live a very traumatic early life. You spoke too soon.

@Illuminatelove36 5 ай бұрын

#❤healing my traumas is possible

@__Fatimah__ 3 ай бұрын

Thank you Dr. your voice regulates my nervous system. Are you always talking like this even with yourself? I would love to learn how to do this as well for myself. is it achieavalble? always overwhelm and thrown off by triggers so I talk fast, sound abrupt and cutting kind like sounds rude. but when I dont feel calm inside and try to slow down the speech it doesnt sounds and feel right either. it does not sounds authentic of myself

@aba1667 2 жыл бұрын

This is asmr

@cat679 Жыл бұрын

What kind of microphone do you use?

@JacobHamPhD Жыл бұрын

I try different ones. This may have been my zoom h4

@muzduza44 6 жыл бұрын

Yez when i came out drug isolation intu anonymous meetingz tu hear my name shifted my ridgidness

@JacobHamPhD 6 жыл бұрын

cool, thanks for the resonance.

@dseer13 7 жыл бұрын

interesting... differetn types of validation.

@JacobHamPhD 7 жыл бұрын

yes, and it feels best when every layer of your being is validated at the same time. It's like two music groups harmonizing to each other.

@rupinderh01 Жыл бұрын

@@JacobHamPhD I love your videos. How do we do this as adults to adults?

@keshakellogg5995 Жыл бұрын

@@rupinderh01 You asked Dr. Ham, but I wanted to mention that the essence of this is curiosity about another's experience and validation of them. One book on how to do this is called "I Hear You". Learning to validate is about seeing others.

@rupinderh01 Жыл бұрын

@@keshakellogg5995thanks, is that by Michael sorensen?

@keshakellogg5995 Жыл бұрын

@@rupinderh01 Yes, you found it! 😁 I found both the print and the audiobook to be helpful-- audiobook you can hear the tone in the author's voiced examples, and a lot of interpersonal resonance is about tone, not just using the "right" validating words.

@adroitws1367 5 жыл бұрын

so that does mean i cant fix myself and can only wait till my parent/someone give me that secure back up that i miss?

@JacobHamPhD 5 жыл бұрын

You need both for sure.

@jenniferbludryer5569 3 жыл бұрын

what about drs . kids who are sent to drs who are deem mentally ill, and sent to places where they are traumatized demonized, criminalized from repress trauma or abuse and failures. Drs who treat them as sick. when they are nothing but in abuse and trauma and kpet sick to make money. i had masters in trauam speak to people who pretend i was the one who made no sense when if so . this man makes no sense. i was simplistic rigth mind correct and prudent to not compound and witness kids in hospitals and drs enviomrent not design to treat trauma no one mentino trauma. the drug persons who do not heal in traumatized and keep dose them incarcerate and make them beg and struggle that is not the care plan for trauma.. i see dog recusers have it all down but kids are abused to death. i had a miracle and it was just rob while no one mention my trauam and i was left to have to save my life but this time i was nixed..