Hey Ana, I remember you did a video a while ago, about '90% predictability Golden Ratio', it's about relationships. It was a good video. I'm struggling what to type in the search bar, it's not coming up. Do you remember what it is called? Thanks!

Thank you, Ana! Excellent advice. I might have to check out this shortform service :D ~200$ a year isn't bad for what they've got in their selection. I think 200$ worth of value can be extracted from their top 5 books alone in a year. Having the option to go monthly for ~30% more (on a per-monthly cost-basis) makes sense. I think it's wise they asked for more - it's risky to operate expecting a monthly subscriber to persist :]

You got it wrong, girl. The main reason monogamous marriages end is the same reason you want to stop eating only sushi your entire life and going to the same hotel every vacation time. You get sick of having the same person or thing after many years. Life needs variety.

Oh that's a good one.

A huge part of it is that people sometimes think of relationships as tick boxes. Found partner, tick. Got married, tick. Got kids, tick. Now I can focus on something else... You assume the relationship will just continue, but people grow and if you stop consciously checking in, life stuff comes in between really easily.

My prediction is that, at least for me, I’m too sic’ wit it

@Truth Balm this is the best take I’ve ever read .

If the person only feels disengaged in that scenario and doesn't want to put in the effort to communicate with their partner solutions to the problems to get passed them (because talking about them is the only way you can), then that person isn't really qualified for a relationship until they can. All relationships will feel easy at first because neither of you really know each other and there's a wall where there's a bit of a mask before it's relented. If a person only ever wants the easy, then they're really holding onto an illusion that doesn't exist. Either one, the other, or both is going to require emotional effort and engagement in order to not feel alone and be stimulated by their partner. My ex and I didn't have any huge argument that ended the relationship. He just got comfortable. He'd come home and immediately get into a game and mindlessly play all night. Then when we did spend time together, his head was empty. There was no intellectual conversation. It felt so boring and like my bf was fine with just me existing as a title for him, but didn't engage with me like we used to. When we did argue it was because even after I confronted him with how I was feeling, he kept reverting back to the same behavior. In conclusion, if there's a lot of arguing, it's likely because there's a lot of miscommunication or lack thereof. And/or there just isn't much engagement between them, which is converting into an argument. Even within "fights," there's a person there who is either ineffectively relaying their pain and issues or the other person is ineffectively hearing their pain and issues. Or both.

@@BDSandM isn't the goal of a marriage to be comfortable, though? What's wrong with comfortable?

@@EyeOfTheTiger777 Yes, there is a comfort that is obviously one of the best feelings in a relationship, but there is also a "too" comfortable. There's being able to be yourself-comfortable, and there's not putting in any effort or affection with the other person-comfortable. I thought that was implied, but I guess I should have specified.

This is exactly how my parents are since becoming empty-nesters a few years ago. Now that there’s no more children in their house, which means less noise and activity, they are constantly picking fights with each other over the stupidest shit, which ironically drives me and my siblings away because we hate going over their house and being around them now because they are constantly blowing up over nothing, it’s become a very unpleasant environment. It’s like, because all of the normal childhood/growing up conflicts are over, now they have to manufacture artificial conflicts in order to feel alive.

@@bebop2523 yeah i think its a traumautic thing, because fighting sometimes feels familiar and like home to some people, since maybe they were surrounded with that in their childhood or later.

Not the same thing. You to young to be on here lmao

@@Joseph-zd7kg I'm 28

@@Joseph-zd7kg young people could learn from old people so that they don't make the same mistake the old ones did.

​@@Joseph-zd7kg it's exactly this. As you spend every day of your life with someone, you tend to consider the presence of the other as "the norm" in your life, and forget how things were without them. But so much so the relationship may turn into a routine rather than something you really enjoy for yourself. Mind you, The perfect partner would be someone with whom you could be friends: you wouldn't be able to live with someone just because they are attractive. So yes, lovers should take great inspiration from friendship before love. Maybe you are a little too young for this type of conversion

Kinda the same but now add intimacy into that relationship…

Or they get worse, not even stagnant. Like a totally a new person in bad aspects.

@@ana-maria448 - or same old “bad” characteristics just grate over time. Partner getting increasingly annoyed by same old minor things.

Did you communicate before it got there? If not you’ll just end up in the same place. People fail to examination themselves and know what they want and be able to express that clearly.

Do you have children together?

@@Refiningforge that’s a big assumption you’re making. there can be many reasons why communication is ineffective in a relationship. she mentions her partner was emotionally absent, when you get to that point you may not have any desire to keep going with that person. she’ll find someone who will be emotionally open to her.

Was he disabled? Or do you mean caretaking in an emotional way?

@@rejectionisprotection4448 Emotionally

There's at least one partner decided to neglect the marriage. That one decided Intimacy is not important. So the other will seek it elsewhere.

This 💯! Ended a 19 year marriage over years of built up contempt, therapy brought all of it to the surface. No amount of duct tape would hold us together any longer.

I’ve just started the video now so I may be reacting too early, but yes, I agree with you. I felt so much pressure in my late teens and early 20s to have my husband and family by a certain age. I even thought starting a family would guarantee a happy family, and boy, was I wrong. Yes, I am aware that there's a fertility clock for women; however, I think it’s so dangerous to push women into thinking they need to grab the closest partner next to them by a certain age just because society says so.

Increased? If anything there's less pressure for that than in any other point in history. IIRC only 1/3 of millenials (30-40 YO give or take) are married. In the 50s, It was something around 9% singles in the same age rank

@@algum.cara1 mmm not when your parents aren’t first generation born in the US. Some cases it can be a couple generations born here and there’s still parents/family pushing for marriage

This means so much🥺

Maybe it's also an addiction.

I don’t like fighting. Conflict takes a lot of energy out of me, I’d rather talk it out and move forward.

Most people fr do smh

@@ladybug3380 I dont like fighting either for the most part. I typically avoid conflict if possible. Sometimes I do enjoy conflict though when it seems needed. Its important to have the occasional conflict with a SO to work out problems before it becomes a bigger problem. There are times where conflict is necessary in order to stand up for yourself in relationships or just out in the world. With the absence of necessary external conflict, it becomes an internal conflict.

@@jackmemphis777 I agree

i feel thats the case for some people but i spoke extensively on many issues before getting into a relationship with my last ex. im extremely comfortable single and dont take it lightly. in the end slowly but surely a lot of the things he said he agreed on (and even shown he was okay with in terms of arrangements) he changed his mind on and then started saying the opposite. i didnt rush that at all but all the compatibilities and shared goals shifted very suddenly

​@@solomia5037 weird... Thou people allowed to change thier minds, this feels more like the person wasn't being completely honest and true to themselves? Don't know, I am myself at the beginning of my first relationship and I'm 27 💀 we both trying to figure things out together, hope we will never stop doing that. And I hope you'll find someone who will have you and your relationship as a priority in their life 🙏

@@skromnyasha yea true hope it goes well for you. i just said that to point out that sometimes you can do all the proper selection in the beginning and then the person backtracks

Yeah same, so lonely

Thanks for the warning

💔 It really broke my heart to read this! The loneliness of being single is nothing compared to that.

Don’t like something. Change it

Than open a talk about an open relationship or something. Of course taking account on that effect on the kids too. Since both of you are basically roommates. Might as well talk out to let both find love but can stay under one roof as roommates. Need to inform kids about this too. Be honest to kids is important. They also have a say in this.

Yes. Home is where the heart is. Mine is tender and needs a non-hostile environment. Like you say, debate is fine, disagreements are fine, but intentional cruelty and shaming are not.

Amen

Hi, I feel like I might be aromantic too! Your marriage sounds ideal, hope I find something like that too.

What the heck did I just read???

This sounds like an arranged marriage.....was it?

This might be the closest thing to a perfect relationship

@@ninjanana8730 No. She really liked me and I was a loner. I did not experience being lonely, ever. I very much enjoyed thinking, never going out, etc. She noticed I did well with my assignments and asked for help with homework. I do enjoy helping people, just not being around them. As I helped her with her homework, I realized she wasn't so bad to be around and we enjoyed a decent amount of the same things(anime, video games, action movies). After a while, we just "hung out". After many years, we decided moving in together seemed beneficial. A few of the things that I found best about her is she enjoyed staying in, when she went out she was not a strong extrovert, and she treated total strangers with respect and care.

I think that might be more true for young marriages than longer ones. Not that values can't change over time but having a similar value system would seem like a baseline requirement for entering into marriage that is often overlooked.

I say this all the time due to how obvious it usually is

@Truth Balm Truth bomb- Most people are boring and lonely because of it. Same outcome through, sizzle to fizzle.

In which way did your priorities shift?

@@Nina-ur3ld probably money I'm guessing

I think that too

What about the couples who have been together for years and never had kids?

@@QueenCloveroftheice I have met very very very few of those, my personal experience is that’s extremely rare.

Do you think that maybe for people that have kids, they are more likely to have higher patience thresholds due to the kids. And then that increased level of patience/endurance helps to maintain a relationship as well? Raising kids is insane, but it should make you appreciate fellow adults a bit more, IMO anyway.

False. I am looking for a life term partner. I am not playing around. God design marriage and to love only a living partner.

@@ana-maria448 that's wonderful and I feel the same way for my own life. However, I was saying that many other people do not think like this when entering relationships- they don't think about long term compatibility.

Be strong, please, pay attention to your mental health during this hard moment! I hope you will keep on through it! (I mean eventually go to next moments of your life, more light moments, when the time will come)

@@mtowerm4650 Thank you sm for your kind words :D Im fine tho, there is much more fun in life then suffering!

My parents divorced when I was 21, I am 45 now. Don’t do what I did. I was so angry that I acted out in very self destructive ways. Partying and doing crazy stuff. I am okay now, but it is a lot to process for young adults. Express your anger and sadness out loud as much as possible instead of trying to escape through other means. Because if you don’t go through it in the present it will come back to bite you later. Hang in there. Go easy on yourself. Your parents love you. They are just screwed up humans like everyone else. Make a life for yourself you love!

Agreed

I have the same problem. I'm "too stable" which feels boring for a lot of people.

That’s a great guess!

Unrelated but I've seen ur pfp in comments before and it is really cool.

🤣🤣

The Gottman Institute.

I completely agree! If you’ve been on my channel a while, you know I’m a big proponent of the idea that fighting is not normal or healthy. I filmed this video a few weeks ago but I don’t recall suggesting anyone “lean into” fighting, but rather into the passion and the vulnerability of emotional openness.

I think the main reason people surrender their position in an argument is because they’re tired of arguing, or feel they’re not at all convincing the other person about the validity of their position. Generally, when people surrender their position of the argument, they are in the submissive moment of the relationship. Relationships have two dynamics to them: a dominant person and a submissive person. Each relationship has varying degrees of each dynamic: one may be super dominant and expects the other to always be submissive no matter what. In others, where both persons have super dominant personalities, they will be fighting for dominance. Both kinds of relationships will have some very dramatic arguing, but in different ways. Generally, surrendering a position in an argument doesn’t lead to manipulating, but rather being manipulated. The winner will further mold the submissive into accepting their position and to work to support their position. The only time surrendering could be used in a manipulative way is if the person makes it transactional. Like, I’ll go along with it, if you’ll do this one thing for me.

@@spacelinx i think this about the difference between being assertive and passive aggressive, sometimes people are assertive and can surrender saying ok, i thought this but now i see your perspective, or they can say 'actually i was wrong' that is still assertive even though it is taking a step back. sometimes people can think something different but say 'ok your way' to get out of the disagreement. that might be because of the pressure they're under like you said if their partner is very dominant but it could be because they need to learn and develop that skill of being honest and standing up for their own needs. sometimes people try to manage other people's feelings because they're very uncomfortable with there being disagreement full stop. it looks like they are being nice but the two parties will become less connected.

Are those all the roles you expected her to fill and refused to help her with? Just trying to understand what you mean by mentioning she had no problem finding a maid etc.

@@Chambermenz No, those were the roles I had which occupied every waking hour. A seasoned lawyer makes more than an engineer out of college so it just made sense in the begining. As for help, I could wash/fold/sort, place on dresser and her clothes would still be their a month later.