The Secret to Winning Arguments | Lauren Schifferdecker

The Secret to Winning Arguments | Lauren Schifferdecker | TEDxNorthbrookLibrary

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7 жыл бұрын

Would you like the secret to winning arguments? Clinical psychotherapist Lauren Schifferdecker shares insights into what is really happening when we argue in relationships, and offers a surprising piece of advice to help improve the way you argue and increase love and connection in your relationships.
Lauren Schifferdecker is a licensed clinical professional counselor and the founder of Inspire Counseling Center. As a psychotherapist, she is passionate about using neuroscience and research to inspire people to thrive. She first fell in love with research as a laboratory assistant in the Infant Cognition Laboratory at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign 17 years ago and has been dedicated to understanding and sharing scientific research ever since. As part of her mission to inspire others, she has written various articles and frequently speaks to groups in her community to help people live their best life.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

Пікірлер: 32

@kristinwornum7126 2 жыл бұрын

That’s was me a couple of months ago, I got into a horrible fight with my close friends and now they want talk to me. I ended up getting into an argument with them and looking at them as the enemy. All i wanted was to be loved and not looked at as an irresponsible person but in arguing my point I just ended up making things worst. This video has helped me realize just exactly what I went through and help get a better understanding of it all. It’s funny they say you can’t change over night but I have changed In just 15 mins of hearing this. I know exactly what I need to do from here on out. 👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿

@foloeel 5 жыл бұрын

I have been what other people would call lonely for a long time, I love it. I like my own company I let myself do things I enjoy and that Iam interested in. People should learn to like themselves and stop thinking they need other people to justify their being. I do like others too but not dependant them.

@xkalibaris 4 жыл бұрын

Sometimes addiction can mess that up.

@popsiclebridge7808 4 жыл бұрын

I agree with everything you've said I think that your initial response isn't a response to a primative threat or of losing your love ect.. it's a response for self preservation. This comes in many forms.. mostly the preservation of pride and dignity. When those are present and threatened, people shut down and enter self preservation mode. In order to now reach that person you need to reinforce what you've injured, pride and dignity.

@rugilepulkauskaite7956 7 жыл бұрын

Me and my sister argued for like 10mins cuz I looked at her....

@alisonprice4244 5 жыл бұрын

It worries me that someone in an abusive relationship may see this and use it to justify being bullied. Having read the comments I see that it's more about finding common ground than complying with the other's point of view, which gives me comfort, but I still feel it could be confusing.

@JohnSmith86132 5 жыл бұрын

Wow, very helpful! Great Job!

@hadynvarley4625 3 жыл бұрын

Most of the time we argue with someone because of ego. People die to protect that, so it is easy to understand how you can become emotional and want to defend yourself against a perceived threat. Some comments on here suggest that they are compromising there belief and they are justified in putting the other person straight, in fact it's their duty to do so because they care. But who said you was right? Unless it is a undeniable truth and they have it wrong which is easily verified, its just your opinion against theirs. We all look at life from our own respective not how it actually is

@yayayaya1528 5 жыл бұрын

I do have a few problems with this ted talk. If one side of the argument (we'll call this side A) believes that the other side of the argument (we'll call this side B) has fundamental errors in the basis of their argument, then for B to 'agree' with A may be limiting B's opportunities or ability to grow in return for a connection with A, and therefore a connection with what A believes. For example, the age-old Christians and atheists argument. If the Christian side of the argument is a parent to the atheist side of the argument, reaching a connection could likely mean that one side must give up their belief or both sides must give up their belief. The point of my argument is, should you really disregard something you believe in, whether it is believed by the majority or not, so that you may have a connection with another person?

@LaurenSchifferdecker 5 жыл бұрын

Hi! I love the depth of how you are thinking about this. Thanks for watching and sharing. My point in this talk was to try to find something you can agree on, even if it is just respecting their feelings/beliefs, not giving up what you believe or convincing them to agree with you. At the end of the day, we can be connected without completely agreeing. Connection is a whole lot better than being "right." Thanks for watching!

@prathikgojito7766 3 жыл бұрын

@@LaurenSchifferdecker I agree maam but just staying connected isnt thgonna help the issue if there's a problem to be addressed or solved shouldnt it be one sides(or person in the rleationship) tohelp out the other person ... Dont get me wrong but at that point it might come down to a situation where whenever a conflict becuz of a problem/issue that isnt solved someone (in the relationship) shud keep quite cuz they didnt address the issue the first time it popped up.... is there a solution to that?

@teriscallon 4 жыл бұрын

I literally have a plaque on the wall that says 'Let me show you the right way' but I hear you and will give this a try : )

@vitalysamonov3399 4 жыл бұрын

I usually just say - I respect your opinion, but hear me out also.

@brians1902 4 жыл бұрын

Anything before the 'but' is nullified. The thing is to validate.

@sparkloveandwellness 7 жыл бұрын

Beautiful!!!!!!

@LaurenSchifferdecker 7 жыл бұрын

Thank you Kelley!!

@LaurenSchifferdecker 5 жыл бұрын

Thanks Kelley!!! :) So generous of you.

@andreimanea9882 7 жыл бұрын

First Finaly .... I said it XD.....

@williamsequeira1163 5 жыл бұрын

I am not a fan of 'TED'. Being an expert in your field does not mean you know how to teach it. Much too much gabbin.

@fernendo4 4 жыл бұрын

She crazy herself.

@twynan3188 7 жыл бұрын

second

@noiexist8684 4 жыл бұрын

@marissamiller6664 3 жыл бұрын

Toxic positivity at its finest, feels like a sorority speech? I couldnt tell.

@stevenfujimoto5630 5 жыл бұрын

I think it is truly childish to have an arguments over the broken phone.

@LaurenSchifferdecker 5 жыл бұрын

You're so right! My argument really was childish.... that's why I knew it wasn't just about the phone :) Thanks for watching!

@emrebuyukaksakal8571 5 жыл бұрын

But the most important question is: Would you do this the same way or the other way ?

@rojeramazon2739 3 жыл бұрын

@@LaurenSchifferdecker lovely

@rage.against.the.regime1913 5 жыл бұрын

She's still emotional about the argument. Keyword: SHE

@DairangerSentai7 4 жыл бұрын

Lol wait what? Is that sexist or what?