I like how to revive Theresa they just reheated her like a bowl of soup

The irony of her being a literal depiction of the anti-christ while the author is insisting that she is such a GOOD catholic girl

The way Theresa is always a “good girl” makes me forget the main character isn’t a dog. Then she says stupid shit and I miss the dog

New headcanon: Theresa did die and was replaced by HAL. The mess on the ocean's surface was actually her body; HAL simply replicated it. Everything before that scene was HAL's clumsy alien way of setting up its chance to replace her; everything after is HAL's clumsy alien way of trying to act human. It's why she is so intensely stereotypical sometimes, at other times completely inhuman, and at all times devoid of empathy. Change my mind.

Re: A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved. I'm Theresa the ghost, and I hope it's not bragging to say I was cute as heck as a corpse. Everybody at my funeral said so. Mine was the most photographed burial service in the history of Framingham, Massachusetts because besides being cute I had far fewer signs of decomposition than anyone else in the mortuary. All the embalmers expected great things from me.

"A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved." We mind, we _really, really_ mind

I just have to imagine a better, black comedy type of story wherein Theresa is written the exact same way but all the other characters are written realistically. " 'You should've seen the little black nothing dress I wore when Steve entered my dorm room!' The technicians and government men forced laughs, hoping more to appease the omnipotent alien-thing inside the strange young woman. To their relief, it might not have understood how botched an attempt at humor her joke was. "

"I have done nothing wrong and people want me dead." *She literally stopped atmospheric pressure systems across the entire world causing widespread heat waves, cold waves droughts and famines.* "I hAvE dOnE NoThInG wRoNg!"

"If you don't want to write about something, then don't write about it." The saddest part about this statement is the fact it had to be stated...

Cat: "It is lap time" KrimsonRogue: *Starts reading Empress Theresa* Cat: "Lap time is over"

I will say, I think the most visually striking description in the entire book is an unconscious Theresa lying on a pocket of shark corpses and blood in the middle of the ocean, while HAL just passively tears anything that comes near her to shreds. That’s pretty fucking badass, too bad Norman doesn’t expand or capitalize on it in any way lmao

That theory of restarting a body by returning it to the normal temperature could have made for sooooooo many horror stories of people waking up while being cremated.

"The room was heated to 105 degrees" Since the English use Celsius, not Fahrenheit, they're basically cooking her.

"People with problems don't change the world." That has to be one of the dumbest lines I've ever heard. I feel dumber just from hearing it.

"It would be a shame if she were a vegetable" Yeah, wouldn't want her to become more interesting

"They can't know matter has ninety-two elements that organize in a million ways." The smoke detector in Norman's house, which contains Americium, the 95th element:

"Does God control the aliens??" *oh god it's reapers creek all over again*

This book, touted for having "no violence," has a scene where thousands of sharks are engaged in an orgy of cannibalism while being shredded by machine gun fire, and you totally just glossed over that. it's glorious

As a Christian, Norman's theology and references to God make me want to listen to the sweet music of nails on a chalkboard instead

Me: *in constant anxiety and a sense of dread which overshadows my confidence in my own writing* Norman: ThErEsA iS a GoOd GiRl Me: I AM A LITERARY GOD, MY WRITING SURPASSES THAT OF ALL THE GREATS, BOW DOWN TO MY PEN.

"The main plot device of this book doesn't know what a rake is."

"Other girls cared about diets and hairstyles" Theresa is noT LIke THe oTHER GirLS.

As someone who has lived almost all their life in France. I can say that the single most unrealistic thing in this book is a Frenchman (especially a politician) not wanting there to be a committee.

Steve/Norman: Theresa is a super-special girl. She doesn't waste time on stupid things like hairstyles Theresa: la la la dee dee look at my magnificent flaring mane of hair

Norman: Oh God, will Empress Theresa be widely acclaimed as the masterpiece that it is? God: ✅ seen 3:29 AM

This is hardly the creepiest thing in this writing, but the way the author is CONSTANTLY referring to Theresa as a "good girl" just gets more and more uncomfortable every time

Okay, SO, there is a thing where, if a hypothermic patient loses a heartbeat, you CANNOT pronounce them dead, legally, until they are re-warmed. Obviously, the author heard this somewhere and ran away with it to the point of idiocy.

Here's a fun idea: Empress Theresa is actually canonically the propaganda book commissioned by Theresa who is now the most hated Dictator of the World. Imagine writing fanfic from "Real" people's perspectives of what life is actually like living under the terrifying regime of Theresa. Anyone??

Doctors reviving Theresa: Did you turn it off and back on?

Um.... as an actual diver, if sharks ever became "chum" or "giblets", then the living ones will actually avoid any area in which they can smell their own dead. So this whole "pool of shark blood" thing is impossible....

>Theresa is of Irish descent >Blair is "proud to bring one of their own back home" ira.jpeg

Y'know, the way Theresa solves problems reminds me of 90s adventure game puzzles

Theresa: "They were universally supportive." Also Theresa: "SoOoOo many assassins are after ME."

"A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved." Look I'm just saying, I don't think we have any proof that Norman has ever actually met a woman. If anything, he's actually going out of his way to prove he hasn't.

I think the weird confused timeline over when HAL arrived on earth might be leftover from Norman changing the plot as he wrote. I think in the original draft of the first 5-10 chapters, Theresa was 15 years old when all this started. He then upped her age to 18 so she could be sexualized without being a minor, but forgot to change the HAL timeline to match. Why do I think this? Because Joan of Arc was 15 when she met King Charles VII. I think the book originated as a very bizarre modern retelling of Joan of Arc, who Norman is openly obsessed with, and spiralled outwards from there.

I love how she is dressed "modest" with a dress that is five inches above the knee. Every dress code I've ever had would have body slammed me If I wore something three inches above my knees.

Just as a reminder, this guy mocked 'To Kill A Mockingbird' by saying that it was too drawn out. Really the pot calling the kettle black.

For a guy saying she's a good Catholic girl, she does give alot of Anti-Christ vibes. Everyone loves her, worship the ground she spits on, performs miracles, and seems to rule with full authority. Alittle worrying for a Catholic protagonist is all I'm saying.

,,Dark Matter is sticky" -Theresa ,,Cats are liquid" -KrimsonRogue

Fuck, I came back to this again after finishing "Last Stand of the Tin Can Sailors" (un-goddamn-believably good book) and wanted some more punishment. Foxes only live like 3 years in the wild. You HAVE to take someone's clothes off to perform resuscitation (I'm a paramedic) Sharks are actually TERRIFIED of the smell of shark blood (orca wales killing sharks have driven them almost completely from many places on the West Coast) I'm completely convinced this book is the profound "proof" that the US government is now going to declassify about UFO's. They're going to tell us that Norman was the alien, all along. I can only imagine Norman, in person, acts EXACTLY like Alan Tudyk in "Resident Alien"

HAL is universally stupid, but somehow he is OP powerful and immortal. Conspiracy theory: HAL is the main character of Onision's third book.

Remember that episode of the Twilight Zone where an entire village of people were at the mercy of a small, powerfully psychic little boy? Empress Theresa is basically that combined with a lonely old man's mary sue fantasy girlfriend and crappy anime.

"Those who don't understand what they're talking about will talk all day" ...as the author will demonstrate

"...for the girl descended from the Irish was a soulful instrumental version of Danny Boy. ... Great Britain was proud to bring one of its own back home for a final visit." As someone who, like Theresa, is Irish-American, this hurts my soul, deeply. Apparently Norman isn't aware that Ireland *IS NOT PART OF GREAT FREAKING BRITAIN!!!*

"You-know-what." Theresa is Ebony Dark'ness Demetia Raven Way's deeply religious sister confirmed.

“A woman doesn’t mind dying too much if she knows her body will be preserved.” Don’t think I wanna end up like Lenin, fam.

I don't know if anyone mentioned this yet but Catherine, the sister, probably has the saddest life out of all the characters in this story. Her parents, friends, and the entire world praising her younger sister as a messiah. Then again she might also be the luckiest person since she only got tangled in this mess once in that one sentence. I repeat. Sentence.

Wait. a young mary sue protagonist who gains absurd super powers from an alien object inside them? This is reaper's creek all over again

Ah yes, the visible white ball is actually INVISIBLE DARK MATTER

As a woman, I can confirm, I will consent to my own murder as long as I know they've got a well maintained freezer space with my name on it.

Since this book was written from Theresa's point of view, someone should write a book painting her as an unreliable narrator. The world holds its breath in terror as this oblivious schoolgirl that doesn't even understand what's going on around her holds the power to doom the world, and since the last attempt at assassinating her threatens to destroy the world they're now extra careful not to set her off even while (too subtly for her to pick up) urging for her to get on with saving us all.

Head Canon: the Parker family is sitting away from Theresa and not saying anything not out of politeness or creepiness, but from fear of the lady who turned off the wind. They're terrified and try to look nice so they don't upset her

The way the general public seem to instantly love Theresa, to the point where they're willing to overthrow their leaders if they say anything bad about her, my personal headcanon is that Theresa at some point wished to be popular, and HAL began emitting a signal that brainwashes people into adoring her. Something tells me the book would be a lot more interesting if this was the case, Theresa found out, and was rightfully horrified by it

I hate how she's baby talked and constantly referred to as a girl -- she's an adult! A young woman, but a woman regardless! If the author himself can't respect his protagonist, how can we?

The problems with Theresa knowing so much about HAL would so easily be solved by HAL being sentient enough to tell her himself. Honestly, if the two ever communicated or bonded in any way, this book might have actually been interesting.

"The Earth stood still. Baseball games in America were postponed. Highways were deserted. Plane flights were canceled due to lack of passengers. Every person who could stay home, did." That hits too close to home, man.

“A woman doesn’t mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved” This was the plot of a Criminal Minds episode I swear

"he's probably typing with one hand" No wonder it took him 40 years to write...

The sad part is, the idea of a superpower someone can't directly control has great storytelling possibilities. It's this thing that spontaneously adapts to situations without any input from the host could be fascinating; we could have interesting scenarios where HAL tries to "protect" Theresa by doing something that actually just makes things worse because it only has reflexive responses to simple stimuli without understanding context. But instead, we just got a Mary Sue OC.

I'm sorry but, does Norman really not know why dead bodies are cold? The body doesn't stop working because it's too cold, it gets cold because the body stopped working. This needs to be explained?

I have a headcanon: it's such a mess because, somehow, through HAL, Theresa has gained unconscious mind control over the whole world. Narcissistic but blind to that fact, Theresa can subconsciously set herself up in an epic story.... at least, a story that's epic in the mind of a sheltered married-young religious fanatic with delusions of grandiosity.

Wait wait wait wait... So HAL turns off the wind because he doesn't like it effecting Theresa as she's falling. "Wind", as in he turns off air resistance. Well, if you are skydiving, the air resistance isn't ever what's going to kill you. So it means that, instead of hitting the water at terminal velocity (the speed at which air resistance is great enough to cancel out the acceleration of gravity, ~120mph) she's hitting the water more than a few times faster. Good thing she's invincible, because HAL did exactly the opposite of what he needed to do, and Theresa should be a pancake.

My guess for how Theresa is going to restart the wind: She's going to stand on the beach and exhale really hard. EDIT: I was wrong. Silly me, thought she'd be fixing things.

If you buy Empress Theresa now you'll be getting the Fourth Edition. The only real difference between the third and fourth is that the fourth was proofread by a Pierre Grousac, a professional editor who has such titles to his name as Don Quixote. And you know what the best part is? There are still grammatical errors in the book. This book is so poorly written that not even a professional editor can fix this mess. Edit: Ok, coming back after reading the whole book, holy hell. Ok, I can deal with typos and crappy punctuation, but this book does something I could never even imagine a book doing. Two lines in this story the font just changes size. There are two instances of it. The first one is when Theresa is talking about the stupid rake-arm bullshit in which the line "trees don't do anything" is significantly smaller than the text surrounding it. I forgot when the second time was. I don't even know anymore, man. How does that make it through the editing process? Wouldn't literally any author, no, anybody about to finish up a word document, just quickly highlight the whole thing and set it all to the same font and size? Does Norman, or maybe the editor in this case, not care enough to do something as simple as that? This book... Holy hell this book.

"I was born. I did some stuff. I was atomized by a bomb." should have been the opening line. How much more engaging would the story have been if we started on the plane, with a kidnapped girl who is about to be blown up by government agents? The reader would want to know why she's been kidnapped and why these people are going through such lengths to kill a seemingly ordinary girl. Especially if Teressa herself doesn't know about Hal yet, so we can learn about everything with her.

"Descended from the Irish"... "Great Britain was proud to bring one of their own back home..." Anyone spot the mistake there?

"i think there is some book in your mistakes" -my sister looking at the amount of tabs krim put in

"again, he's probably typing with one hand" blimey, i wish i didn't get that

So in a nutshell this book's "plot" is: girl bonds with alien and public domain Tony Blair uses her to advance his career."

The way the dialogue is written feels like narration. Nobody talks like that.

Theresa: *agrees to do an international televised interview* Also Theresa: *doesn't like it when television news outlets cover her interview* 🤣🤣🤣

perhaps hal did see humans holding tools, perceived all of them as appendages, and was not impressed or tempted until he saw badass rake woman

In regards to the "Theresa responsible for the wind stopping through coincidence" thing, king of horror manga Junji Ito used a similar idea for his story "Remina" To paraphrase, the story is set in the future and a man discovers a planet that he names Remina, after his daughter, because Remina was 16 years old and planet Remina appeared around 16 mil lightyears ago or something. The media goes insane, calling her and the planet "twin stars". Only there's a problem. Planet Remina is getting closer to Earth at a speed scientifically impossible in our universe, and all stars and planets around it...just dissapear. Once Planet Remina enters the solar system, it appears as a huge planet with an eye, a mouth and a huge tongue that pierces and devours the planets on its way to Earth. Humanity puts two and two together, and a witch hunt for Remina, the human girl, born "at the same time" as the planet, begins. We are never told if this is true or not. We never learn what Remina is, and if the planet and the girl do have something in common or not. Norman...didn't do this well. A person being accused for a tragedy signing humanity going extinct would be hunted down and killed, not hailed as a saviour.

The whole HAL stopping the wind out of a misguided attempt to "let her fly" would almost be adorable if the context and explanation weren't so stupid.

“She became an adult before she became a woman.” Woman (noun): an adult female person

Guys, I figured it out, Hal did the "survival makes him create special powers for Theresa thing" when Theresa was dead and so he took over her body when she was already brain dead and it's been him controlling her body since that point. That totally explains her not acting like a human for the remainder of the book. Norman's a underappreciated genius!

I just hate the talk about the sharks, yes if sharks smell blood they'd go towards the dead things smell but if a shark dies it emits a chemical that basically screams to other sharks "DON'T COME HERE" when they smell it so when Hal kills the first set of sharks none would come afterwards! Shark repellent is made out of this stuff for a reason, it's so dumb to say hundreds of sharks were around her body that the sailors had to fight.

They could have explored interesting ideas like Theresa: Hey, while we're figuring out how to feed the world again, how much attention should I devote to Africa? Prime Minister: I'd say, none. I mean, those people were starving to begin with. Theresa: But like, can't I figure out how to feed them too, while I'm at it? Prime Minister: I'd rather the people who usually get food, go back to getting food, and you can bless the rains down in Africa all you want for your victory lap. But there's a limited amount of time here, so try to feed the people who wouldn't just die of starvation anyway. Africa probably doesn't even notice. It's not like they're getting any less rain in Cairo. Theresa: But Africa's a pretty big place. If I want to save the most people, shouldn't I start with trying to fix bigger continents? Cause then if I don't get it all done in time, I've at least saved the maximum number of people, right? Prime Minister: I mean, you're not wrong. But if you knew more about geo-politics, you'd understand that there's usually plenty of food to feed everyone on the planet, it just doesn't get passed around evenly. And a lot of impoverished countries are that way because of corrupt goverments. So, if you want to start using your powers to assassinate dictators, you can. It's just that, many would argue that the reason those countries are the way they are, and those dictatorships came to power is because people conquered them, so you might just be doing the same thing that made things bad in the first place, again. So maybe focus first on the people who primarily have a food problem, before the people who have a food, government, war, internal conflict because of racial/religious division problem. Theresa: You just want me to save the UK first! Prime Minister: Ding ding ding. Now get crackin'! You think the goverment's blowin' all this dough on you during a crisis for fun? Every hour of you defunds another children's hospital, so make the most of it.

An adult wrote this. An adult man. An adult man spent twenty years crapping out this iconic turd. Sad.

I love the line about "a thousand assassins" not finding her. This is Peppa Pig levels of thinking, implying that an increase to the number of people tasked with something automatically and directly relates to the increase of the chance that this job will be completed. If this was really an adult book (it'd still suck, but) it should've said the "world's best assassins" as that implies danger and skill of the opponent. Saying there's a thousand of them might mean a thousand wheelchair-bound six year olds with bad eyesight or blindness, that implies no obvious danger outside of maybe how much money your enemy is willing to cash out to kill you. As a sidenote, it's not really the assassin's job to find the target. The assassin goes to kill them, the client/employer is supposed to tell them where to go and who to kill. Why do you think guys like 47 work alongside people like Diana?

This book is just r/i'mnotlikeothergirls, but worse. To anyone reading this I hope you have a wonderful day, and to any writers out there reading this, please take pride in knowing that this book exists and that the mistakes that were made can be learned from in your own personal writings. I believe in you, in that you can write a better book than this one.

Wait, if she was still wearing what she went into the water with, *did they remove the Coke bottles*?!

1:17:48- So nobody's going to acknowledge the fact that the hunger games is officially canon in the world of empress theresa, let that sink in. This means suzanne collins and probably poor jennifer lawrence exist in this hellhole of an earth, having to brave the world's destruction.

Norman couldn't decide if he wanted his character to be a revered pinnacle of virtue or a misunderstood underdog, so he went with both and forgot to add in the actual character.

"God can't ignore a hundred million people!" Mao Zhedong: *imma pretend I didn't see that*

This book sounds like someone woke up with a brilliant idea for a story they had in a dream, wrote it down immediately, then after fully waking up it turned out it only made any sense in their sleep. Only if the author never fully woke up.

"Wind Helps Them Fly You Defunct Walnut" is such a powerful insult.

Being Irish myself, the absolute worst part of the book comes at 43:05 when Norman implies that the Irish are British. There was literally a war fought over this.

I love how I searched for "Onision book" and your channel was the third option, not even a video about one of onision's books, just your channel

HAL is the only character I’m attached too. And that’s only because he didn’t talk. I feel like he’s be a chill dude shoved in a bad book...

I submit a much better reason for HAL occupying Theresa: "HAL can only jump to a new host when his current host dies. He found her mum when he felt the fox close to dying, and Theresa was just in the right place at the right time." I despair at how dreadful this book is....

PM Blair: ...we saw in my talk with her Theresa is no fool. Theresa in the talk: we're in the big leagues now call me Bond Jane Bond PM Blair: starts singing the James Bond theme on international link-up like a good little sycophant

If the president killed himself because of this scandal it wouldn't be Empress Teresa, it would be a Neil Breen movie.

"A woman doesnt mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved." To quote the words of my 93 year old grandmother: "I won't have eyes to see what's going on in this world by the time I reach the Underworld. Do whatever you want." ((Okay so she only says this when she's scolding me, but I think it still applies))

President Martin is literally the voice in my head that says "hey maybe your friends all secretly hate you" when they don't text me for like 3 days, except I usually don't end up bombing my friends as a result.

This book being in first person makes me feel like I'm a narcissist

"A woman doesn't mind dying so much if she knows her body will be preserved." I'm currently reading "From Here to Eternity", by Caitlin Doughty (a mortician and KZfaqr! her channel is Ask a Mortician, it's really fun). One topic that she has mentioned in more than one situation is exactly the weird stuff that happened to some famous women's corpses, either because someone (usually a man) thought that their beauty should be preserved or the opposite, they were considered "freaks" that should be ogled at. Some of them have been outright stolen from their resting places just so someone could preserve them somehow and put them on display. She discusses it specifically because it's such an objectifying move made by men towards women's bodies, so... Yeah, this phrase makes Norman sound all the more creepy. I honestly don't want my body to be preserved, I want it to decompose. That's what it wants to do. That's what corpses do. Also, thanks for suffering for all of us and reading this book to then try and explain it in a rational manner.

Turning off the wind would basically mean turning the atmosphere solid. Air particles could not be allowed to move, so the entire planet would be frozen and would quickly suffocate in what will become solid air.

Your Theresa "voice" really captures how ditzy she is and always makes me laugh when you use it. Bravo!

Every time Norman types out the phrase “good girl”, my face cringes a little more. It makes him come across like a dirty old man who created a waifu who won’t reject his lustful advances. Also, Steve said that unlike other girls she wasn’t worried about dieting, but in Chapter One she said that she was already focused on her weight at age 10