It’s about self-worth. You may want something, but inside, you feel you are not worthy of having it. You feel you are not worthy of having good things. This is coming from a chronic maladaptive daydreamer who also dreams of things but never does them. But there is a reason beneath it: I do not feel worthy enough to actually have them. So when presented with them, I think: “well, it’s not possible I am going to get what I want so I must be about to lose this, so I am going to run away, or I am not going to even try to put the effort in because I will fail.”

If it doesn’t happen don’t waste time to analyze. Just look for the thing that is for you

Its called chronically single and its not a fear its really a phobia. There's no cure for this, check up on this person in five years and guarantee still single. I had the misfortune of falling in love with that person. She was someone emotionally unavailable and could turn off a relationship at the flip of a switch.

I like that you are straight to the point, and don't ramble like other influencers. I feel like you really value people's time. Much appreciated!

Sometimes the fantasy is better then the real thing because some people fear messing things up.

Dear Susan, I've been going through a painful breakup and I am still falling asleep listening to your videos to find peace of mind and soul. Thank you so much!

Only brave ppl get a chance with me from now on. I’m over cowardly people and their issues. Rejection is protection 😂

Susan, talking about attachment theory and, specifically, attachment-avoidant people, would be helpful here. It's not really a "fear of getting what they want"--it's always a fear of being hurt or losing in some way.

Can't understand why someone meets The person and then... goes away!!

I agree with Susan that in most cases, it is just a polite/friendly way to say "goodbye". Sometimes we may think that we meet all the specific traits that they are looking for, but in fact, it is just in our minds. A few years ago, I met quite a few people from online dating. They met most of the criteria that I was looking for such as sharing similar hobbies, looking for a serious relationship, very into exercise and fitness...etc. However, I declined the second date for other reasons. I remember I met some guys who spoke ill of others or complained about the government all the time. Some only talked about their work, and I had to give them my full attention. I also met guys who had very different political opinions than me, and I had to pay my full attention, and I could not even express my thoughts. I also met two guys who had very bad breath that I didn't want to go out again with them. When I declined to go out with them for the second date, they were confused and usually texted me like, "I felt a lot of chemistry between us and I thought we had a very good conversation. However, in fact, I didn't feel there was any chemistry and the conversation was just so-so. I am a polite person, so I usually try my best to keep the conversation going and having fun. But that does not mean I think the conversation was good. When I met my boyfriend, he didn't tick all the boxes, but he is very caring and always listens to me. Love is complicated and there is no rule to define.

Fear is in who they are as a person and have inner work to do in finding their truth! Been there in what John experienced... we dated for quite some time... He told me I’m everything he could have ever wanted but felt that he would disappoint me... I was devastated... realized that he wasn’t ready for something/someone real... Susan you said it quite clear.. thank you.

I use to frequent a coffee shop before heading into work, it must have been a year i visited this place until one day i completely stopped going. All because the lady who'd always attend me and knew my order before me telling her anything told me to get closer to her so she can tell me "you know you look real handsome today. Please don't be spooked but i couldn't help it " I was stunned, but i told her thank you. She was asking about my age and if i was married. I always thought she was cute and someone I'd date, but for some reason i never went back. I don't know what that was about, but I definitely lost out on a opportunity. I think it's true when people say "you must first love yourself before loving someone else"

Just look at the congruency of their words vs actions. A person's actions and behaviours speak volumes compared to their verbal communication. Sometimes people run away for reasons that got nothing to do with us. They chose to run away, you guys have a choice of moving on + respecting yourselves. The rational part of your brain do not, I repeat DO NOT want someone who doesn't deem you worthy.

This legit just happened to me with a guy. Lol. Agh. He told me guys “shelf” girls. They put you “away” before they screw it up so when they want to be serious about you, they hope you are where they left you. In the meantime, they pop in and out occasionally while they continue looking. But he “shelves” the good ones he sees himself with later on when he is ready to settle down.

They ran away because what they see may not be what we experience initially. All that glitters is not gold, the person did not want to take the chance and be wrong. Many have taken the chance and are no longer here.

BEST explanation of people that can’t communicate. As opposed to they just won’t or are not good at it.

This is so true. When I was 20 I had THE perfect guy in love with me. A tall, good looking, kind, funny, generous, barrister (he’s now a judge) that graduated from Cambridge guy. I was so frightened I couldn’t match his perfection. I felt like a nothing and couldn’t understand what he saw in me. I pushed him away even though I REALLY liked him ( and not for being a barrister 🤩 but because he was genuinely so sweet and romantic). There’s a little part of me that regrets that now but we went our separate ways and he married someone else. Sometimes it’s definitely not that you weren’t right it’s that you were too right. PS when I told my mum years later she was soooo mad at me 😆😆😆

I did that to a guy and I felt so bad, I’m in my 40’s and he is 30 but the points is he was doing so well by treating me nice and I got scared that, that was too good to be true so I texted him “we shouldn’t hang out anymore and that I didn’t feel the vibe “ I know I did It because I don’t want to get hurt and my last experience was a nightmare so I’m sorry but I’m human and I learned from this and also I regretted doing that to him 😞 but I know guys these days don’t take women seriously unless they’re younger

This all sounds so true! 'people crying for the moon' but would not know what to do if they got it!

The woman in this letter falls under the “fearful avoidant” attachment style. Learning about attachment styles has worked wonders for me.

please never stop. you should be doing ted talks. you're so helpful and we need you.

This is the pattern of mu dating life. The more they like me ,the faster they run. I've NEVER had someone leave because I cheated, or was abusive,etc. The bettet we got along, the faster they pulled away. Im now in my 50's and just gave up trying to meet someone. Its just not worth it anymore.

Bottom line she was lying about a lot of stuff and didn't want to be exposed so she talked herself up than cut you

This is so true once they like you they leave.

Sometimes a person has everything you want. When you meet them in person you see there is no attraction, they don't look like their pictures, do quirky things like pick their teeth or talk nonstop, etc. There are tons of reasons people don't get together after a first meeting. One time a guy looked like an exact twin of my ex brother in law and it was such a turn off but he was a nice guy.

This is spot on. I've done this myself and been on the receiving end recently. Had a date(a night and a day) and we clicked on every level then he started to back off. I know he is/was really into me but felt overwhelmed. I've backed away completely now as I need someone who can communicate openly and is receptive.

I'll give it you, Susan. This is a great sermon. It's so unspoken and true because some people have problems and those problems can really destroy intimacy.

In her 40s and still that flighty?! Wow. She needs therapy. And the guy (John) needs to consider that he dodged a bullet. At the least, she needs to grow up, or at worst - she may have a mental disorder. Either way, forget it.

some people are avoidants once they feel they are feeling too much and thier walls are coming down is scary to them-they do not want to get hurt or trust so they leave first-this is how they self protect-sucks for both parties-this is why infatuation stage they can do once they begin to truely feel and things become real-they can not process it-it doesnt mean they r playing games-or they r bad people-

It sounds to me like she did not fancy him, i have txt back and forth on line and liked them, met them and thought oh no not my type. Dating is minefield now.

That's why some people, build relationships from little like or love for each other.

SPOT ON SISTER !!!! you have an uncanny common sense ....and it is helping others. We should all be so blessed

Hi Susan. Your videos really help me a lot. Especially my broken heart.

Love your hair with the soft waves in it and you look gorgeous in aqua! ..it is "your" color.

I hate when someone dangles a carrot 🥕 then snatch it away from me.

Spot on. I have had this as well. I tell myself, that they are not ready to be their authentic selves & bless them on their merry way, with gratitude.

Maybe she is an avoidant. I dated this guy for 8 months then he said he wants to be on his own again. He still wants to do the same activities (no intimacy) and asks me to go to his family gatherings yet he seems terrified of a relationship. It was like overnight he switched off.

My name is Jon, and although not the same one, it was speaking directly to me.

It is possible for someone to tick " all the boxes" in some ways, but once you meet there is no real chemistry in person. I suspect although you were aligned in many ways and thought you were a perfect match.. maybe in theory yes but something turned her off.. or she just wasn't into him. Hasn't this happened to almost everyone here? "oh hes so great this and that .. and once you meet you come home, people ask how was it? You say meh.. and shrug your shoulders.

You have such a calming aura about you :) I could listen to your advice for hours

Seems like most women I meet these days and connect with right away, have a great few months then boom gone once it’s gets serious. Learning about the avoidant personalities made me understand all this better and gave me closure but at the same time made me realize some things that I have done that I need to not change but work on and approach differently .. great video!! 👍🏻

You are absolutely wonderful and such an intelligent human Being... Thank you lady 🙏 for everything

cause most ppl are not ready for what they want

Lame excuse, I don't buy that. She knows what she wants and obviously looking for a relationship when she put herself out there. Unfortunately, she could be having psychological issues or the chemistry faded or she was disappointed when she met him in person. Rather than own up to the change of heart, she let him down easy than being upfront. Brutal honesty really hurts especially rejecting someone so don't say anything that you don't want the same being said to you. I think it's good to at least interact on video call to minimise this situation.

I was in the process of evolving. I was losing a substantial amount of weight, muscle gaining , self development mentally, got a new job which was alot more rewarding. During this time I met someone unexpectedly. Completely connected, in areas both me and her didn’t expect. Despite me not looking for anything, soon after we started talking daily, meeting, I was rising up and Started believing I could take this person with me. Out of nowhere, she ran the opposite direction. I was completely confused, the chemistry we shared was undeniable. However, she did come from extremely abusive past relationships. I felt rejected in an odd level. Watching this video, it all makes sense now. You have no idea how much this has helped my piece of mind, thank you.

The player doesn’t want to lose contact with me. Why? I’m a 'problematic' one because i don’t let him control the situation. He can go and text other girls. So why he tries to stay in touch with me? Did i make him curious because i’m not that easy to control or he just likes to have a lot of place cards? I don’t text him until he initiates. I act like i don’t care if he texts me or not

This is amazing just when I need it for today it's so fits into my life right now

Texting a tonne and meeting in person are different things. Why do people keep texting non-stop? It kills attraction lol if I am attracted to a man very much, I usually need lotsa space to process everything, take time to date and watch him. I need atleast 5 months by then they either get bored or I do.

Why do relationships,situationships,textationships,etc etc whatever these "things" we're in now days, have to be so weird and complicated?!

I can agree, when someone asked for my number it freaked me out. I was so use to being a unit of one who saw romance as a fantasy that when they started being friendly I felt like a deer in the headlights

All so true! Sadly I have come to the conclusion that there are a lot of immature fantasists out there, esp. online where communication is remote

You don't date people because they tick boxes. You date them when there is a spark of attraction AND they tick some of the boxes. Talking on line for weeks creates a false sence if intimacy and connection that doesn't always stand up to the scrutiny of actual meeting in person. Perhaps this woman didn't actually fancy him and was spmewhat embarrassed by that in view of the illusionary " relationship" she found herself in prematurely. So she made an excuse not to hurt his feelings. One way or another they were not a match in real life

A woman in her 40's is looking for a "real" relationship and walks away from the "perfect" man that is shown on paper. They meet for one date and she never returns. I would venture to say that this was a polite good-by. John's perception is skewed to the point of blindness. I'm not trying to be rude but John had already placed this woman on a pedestal before he met her and if she was pleasing to the eye when they met in person he was seeing her through "love goggles". "love is blind" is a true chemical reaction that is there for procreation. Humans are evolved animals, and with any type of relationship experiences, especially in our 40's we should understand that by then.

My ex and I had a magnificent relationship..but after a year I was thinking more. I gave up a job because it meant moving. I didn't want to lose what we had. She freaked. It became too real and ended it

🦋🦉 THAT'S GREAT! A VIDEO DIRECTED AT SPECIFIC QUESTIONS FROM UR CLIENTS!! THOSE WHO ARE IN A SIMILAR SITUTION CAN ALSO TUNE IN!! THAT WAS GREAT ADVISE, FROM A VERY WISE LADY!! 🦋🦋🦉🦉🦉🦉🦅🦅🦅🦅

Stay in your comfy chairs! Even with fluffy friend! Better than the slightly stiffer, more posed setting. Just my 2c. Keep it up Susan, and thank you!

If you're dating around enough, you'd know that this is a cycle. It happens to you, you do this to someone. I just think she was disappointed, got a different image of the guy and when it wasn't actually met in person, she stopped. It's hard not to take this personally though, makes us feel something's wrong with us. The truth though is, it's only 1 date, take a quick break and go back and try again.

I recently did the same thing as she did. Everything was great until we met. I said I am scared from relationship.. How could you tell someone you didn’t like how he looks or dress. I know it sounds shallow but I want someone whom I can adore his look too.. Thank you Susan!

Met on a dating site? No chemistry can exist in digitalization.

Thanks Susan. This really cut to the heart of the matter for me. However, the idea of that future "rainbow" comes to mind. They lack that inner voice saying "here it is"... I'd bet there are other choices out there causing doubt...? That's usually the problem for me. I'm a finalist in a list of other possibilities. Always a groomsman, never the groom. So to speak.

Susan I’m not convinced anymore in relationships!!! The pain I just went through of being ghosted after 9 months!!! I don’t even go online anymore it’s total perversion sorry to say!

can you please tell us how does a healthy relationship looks like

Exactly!!! Been there,,,experienced it with a guy who knew I was the total package. Unreal!!

I wish someone liked me. Guys look but never take it any further. Haven't got to a relationship for anyone to run away from

Your advice feature Ms. Susan does make sense to me.. Thank you so much.. I recently have watched all your videos... And it's worth it advice. More power

Hey Susan, I have 2 questions: - Is there any way to rebuild or reignite chemistry with someone that was once there and in great measure? - There's much talk about how sharing some vulnerability with someone you like makes you authentic & trustworthy, and opens up your counterpart to do the same. How does one reveal their vulnerabilities but not insecurities in the process? Thanks!

Some correction - Sometimes, these people who reject who they love, even if unwillingly, it is not always a case of self-sabotaging a good relationship. In fact, some of them do so because they actually do care about their own self-respect and know that they do deserve better than, not lesser than. I speak from experience because I did that with my ex, despite the fact we did mutually love each other, but I realized more and more that I deserved better. So, armed with that new revelation, I was able to reject the ex and, despite tears, pain, and reluctance, I continued to walk away with my head held high and for a while relish being on my own and discovering and bettering myself. Now, the new man I have met, Frank, who inspired true love even greater, praise be to Jesus, this new man is now my husband - we have been together for eleven years and we are starting a family. I'm glad that I realized that I had a choice and I didn't have to settle for ok and it was worth to find my husband.

Your passion is contagious, Susan.

Thank you Susan for your always useful advice. Much love from England.❤️🌞❤️

SUSAN WINTER, You know when you'll retire from KZfaq? Never. We won't let ya. ;) Side note: Wear that shade of blue more often; it becomes you.

Please talk about older people. I am 69 and he is 70. How do things change for us? It is so scary. I am a widow and he was his best friend.

I enjoyed the video. Thank you so much Susan ❤️

Question: how do you get past the mask: many people wear masks and once they have you the masks drops. And the reality of who they are may not be nice.

I’m scared of hell of rejection and being hurt . Been there are not wanting it ever again . If I met a perfect guy even I would check him out . I’d not continue if I saw something early on that wasn’t for me . I’m pretty quick these days at my age picking up on what won’t be a match for me . Guy friends have told me a similar story to this , they often assume it’s fear ....sorry rarely is . ❤️❤️

Men don’t be simps women come and go move on you will never figure it out keep moving forward

This has just happened to me, although it was on our 3rd date. He seemed completely head over heels about me as I was him. All boxes ticked and double ticked. But he finished with me saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship! Im left here thinking wtf happened! I’ve not contacted him but He’s blocked me on all social media sites and phone. I know I’ve dodged a bullet but it makes me so wary of dating again.

Subconscious fear from the Primitive Brain overpowering the positive, intellectual Brain.. Like people who know logically they want to give up smoking, for instance, but the emotional part of the brain fights against that and overpowers their resolve

I love you Susan winter you are a beautiful lady

Forgot to say,,we had several dates. Wow,,,you have said it all; you're always right on the mark!!! Thsnk you!!

Excellent thank you. I love the manifesting qualifier at the end. I needed this at present. 🌺

What is the most profound thing you said… “Some people are comfortable with dreams that never manifest”…. I’ve been trying to put my finger on it for years…🙏

I love this so much! I needed to hear this.

I discovered you're vidéos this year, very professionnel, logic, clear ,thank you very much for all ,,sorry my first language is french 😉

It is brain wracking and not worth it to think about the “WHY” did they do this?” I am somewhat into psychology myself and it surprises me every single time it happens :😊 ... but guess what.... I am getting better and faster in letting go. Obviously this is my lesson I needed to learn........ What is yours? 😏

I had a 60 year old man do this to me after only 4 months of dating. Im in my 40s and this really sucks. I give up on dating.

This seems very simple. He was everything she was looking for on paper and on text. Maybe even on the phone. In person, he might have thought there was chemistry... but obviously not on her end. He needs to accept that and move on. That's exactly why you don't invest a whole lot of time pre-meeting. Sounds like she was being extremely polite but just wasn't attracted. He's reading way too much into it.

Freaking outand runming...1st freak out may be to not experience another loss. But the2nd freakout may be ...drat, if I get what I want I may have to change my life which is comfortable just as things are. Ouch! Now what?

One thing I learned from my last date is if you go on the first date and they are not exactly how you expected them to be, tell them how great they are and just cut it short. Dont even try to be friends or think about the conversations you had before. Just go completely ghost and never reply to any text messages.

The most insightful video of my life of 29 years

Thank you Ms.Susan Winter, you are already my coach my mentor in relationship.

When I said that to a guy what I meant was he's perfect inside his goals match up with my goals and I always pictured being attracted to the guy in some way shape or form and when I finally met him I was like oh my God you're perfect you're everything that you said and I just don't want you I just am not attracted to you and I just decided I don't even want to get married and then that I realized that the guy that I would want is flabby and out of shape it made me decide to lose weight and understand that I might not want what I thought I wanted from there was just a poetic goodbye

Your insights into app dating are fascinating

Thank you, Susan, I enjoy listening.

Susan is brilliant. 💖🙏

I am that girl. When I make up my mind, I am fully in. Relationships that seem too perfect scare me and I bail because I have been hurt deeply before. Owning it and working.

I loved her, then believed she was breadcrumbing me for attention. She in no way expressed any romantic interest in me, so I left 😔

I’m that person. I run away when I meet the potential Mr Right. I think deep down inside I don’t believe in 'good relationships'. Sooner or later they all fall. The only long lasting relationships I’ve seen are the ones where people just settle for and just don’t have high expectations and compromise and forgive cheating, drinking, dishonesty because they just can’t be bothered walking away and get out there again. I’d like to believe that long lasting successful happy relationships exist, I just have never seen one.

I just had something similar happen after two wonderful dinner dates when it was time for date three that we planned he never called.

The old saying,careful what you wish for, is so true.

I love to hear you it gives me confidence and comfort