I agree. There are many families where the child abuse is constant and much more significant than adult partner abuse. I'm not sure why there is so much focus on romantic relationships as the root of child abuse, it's often not.

💯

Absolutely right. 22 years after divorce still has to covertly let me know he's the winner through my child. They never change. They can't.

THEY DO NOT CHANGE. THEY JUST GET BETTER AT HIDING THEIR ABUSE

Duh. Lol! But it’s not a problem that she said it… it’s common sense everyone. Let’s not worry about the fact that she stated the obvious here. We all know (wether we’re victims of abuse or not) that some abusive people can change and that some can’t, wether it be their willingness to change or inability to change or the desire and motivation to change. It’s not “news”. She isn’t saying anything “detrimental” to victims, mostly bc victims are staying due to this fact anyways, holding onto the hope that the abuser will change. So let’s not point the speaker out for stating this old obvious fact.

Yes, she's not the brightest bulb. It's in the title it's about children & she opens saying she won't have time to speak about the effects of children. All the words she's using "coercive blah blah" are abuse tactics she's given another name to, MANY & I'm minutes in. She's also only talking about female victims, resources for females, & claims MOST victims are females, when it's roughly 50/50. Women are the abusers about half of the time, & as mothers can be more devastating that men, I'm a therapist, & I've been on both ends of abuse, the female was abusive to my son, myself, & my Gbabies. My abuse was the result of alcohol abuse & was very severe in my early 20's, WHILE I was studying Psych at University, I say the female is far more insidious & damaging, men have no resources & no man has stood up until Johnny Depp. I don't like her "facts". I personally know many more abusive females across my life, men simply don't seek help. Much Love

I clicked on this for parental alienation, look up RyanThomasSpeaks if that is your area of interest. He is an adult child of PA & the absolute best source for saying exactly what the "controlling parent" tells the child, & how to get your child back, not legally, how to REALLY get your child back, by placing seeds in their head that cause "lightbulb moments" until the child realizes what is going on. I have one who has compartmentalized to the extent she denies she lived with me for the majority of her life. Her mother has messed her up very badly, & it's worse than just the grief of "losing" her, it's her very health & life at stake. I wish you the best! Much Love

Yes i suppose Johny Depp is a prince. Please dont insult people's intelligence. Depp is just as much a narc.

Yes. Men don’t seek help. That means 50/50 is not a good possibility known. Most will fool therapist right off the bat.

@Ark-ys2up I simply said a know fact. So, if women report at a higher rate. What is the formula that creates 50/50. I’m wondering if someone know where to find the data or who can point me to the data. Because 50/50 custody is not really 50/50. I’m not argumentative I’m simply curious.

I am no expert. I used every bit of time with my kids to instill empathy and compassion for all of us and others, from the start, including little animals and insects. I also let them know that when I was caring for them we went by my rules, period. I was pretty lenient because my kids were pretty good-natured so I was blessed, but I also reasoned with them, taught them to question non-sensicals and I also turned it into playfulness as much as I could. I taught my children not to get upset when they were being mistreated as much as to call the perpetrator on it in a calm, dismissive, firm, but polite manner. I taught them to take a break from thinking about something that really bothered them and to come back and talk about it when they really knew what they wanted to say and that if they couldn't find the words I would help them, and that we could brainstorm to think of solutions. Then they chose what they would try, their own version. I let them know I was always thinking of them even when we were apart and that I needed time with them too, I loved and missed them but wanted them to enjoy whatever they could wherever they were, to embrace life and opportunity and when they didn't like something to try to look from the outside in so they could learn from it and observe people, and that I would always be waiting for them when we couldn't be together and that no matter what happened they could come to me anytime or find me anytime and we would start again with a hug. I also taught them, including on a map, to give them an idea of that, who and where they could go if we were ever separated for a long time and they needed to find me through others, across the street and across countries, and I taught them who safe people and places were to go to and to reach out for help in case anything ever caught us by surprise, but they knew that for all of us. My kids didn't know to get help other than from a parent because I didn't expect them to need to until they did, and they were taught not to leave their home without us or our permission, which they needed to know when to do, and that they needed to think for themselves. They had phone contact cut off so they couldn't call out. Also, how to get something to eat when it was harder, etc. This isn't exactly what you asked but it can draw your children closer to you indirectly, especially when they learn to think for themselves and they know you love them, are consistent, and want the best for them wherever they are. In addition, you'll know you did your best by them, regardless, and taught them some decency which hopefully will get mirrored in other parts of their lives, maybe through teachers, classmates and their parents. Try to teach them to have deeper relationships and communication with their teachers if possible, how to relate authentically and compassionately to others is so important, and may remind them of you and what you taught them. I also taught my children not to be ashamed to say sorry by saying sorry and discussing times in my childhood and life that I got things wrong or was embarrassed, as long as it isn't something that can go back to the other parent or people to be used to abuse you with. Children can learn discretion. Mostly I tried to make life funny and warm.

Are you documenting this anywhere, with date and time? If you are under no rules I would discreetly record anything your children say or the conversations you have about it. Just make sure you aren't seen to be leading them. Can you speak to an LCSW therapist who understands narissistic personality disorder, (do not use this term to your ex), and abuse? A woman's counselling or shelter service may have recommendations or provide someone to speak to? Your children could speak to an LCSW child therapist to discuss this. They could each choose their own from a few you take them to visit so there are several takes on it and documentation but you have to be caredul they are genuinely decent people.

I am also sorry this is happening to you. I went through it within the marriage.

Lundy Bancroft says to tell them it’s not the mother’s fault. Because they end up victim blaming just like the abuser.

No, they don't always sacrifice the relationship with the non-abusive parent. You are very wrong there and I have seen way too many mothers sure their little Johnny could never be abusive, even if they struggled with him as a child, but now they are sure he has changed. It doesn't matter what you see, it is what they do behind the curtain. Sometimes children get abused and are taught to be abusiive and sometimes they choose the abuser and many times they don't. They need to be where they are safe and can thrive best, and where social decency is valued. Not presentation, but authenticity. The legal system should make everything more transparent because we need to hear and see the children because you can tell a lot from them and the reason why they don't listen to the children and insist everything is done behind closed doors is not to protect the children but to protect the corruption. Children are bought at family injustice auctions instead of custody and finances being truly about the well being of children and all members of the family and based on what is truly fair. The system has been designed by big pocketed abusers and their representative attorneys because that is where the money is. It is disgusting. Custody evaluators are hired guns. Men and women can be abusive, but the only cases that get so evil are the ones where there is a predator involved and that means a malignant level of narcissism to psychopathy, nothing else. They need to notice aand ask more questions when someone gets trapped in their own inconsistencies and really think through these cases. They waste so much time in family court on the namby pamby games instead of getting down to real business and really figuring out who is the duper. And they need to hear the types of abuses claimed and hear what that looked like because they take down the innocent all the time and ignore the smirks and sympathize with the fake victim tales of the con artist abuser. The children desserve better and they deserve a parent they love and enjoy if they don't harm them. Unless someone is truly dangerous no one should have to pay supervisors an arm and a leg either.

@@b.boston8529 "Not presentation, but authenticity. " Not quite "the voice of the child" now is it?

@@gregandcarrie2 not sure what you are trying to say? I have known male and female abuser con artists because that is what all of them are. Authenticity from everyone, a depth of genuineness, but the faker often sounds deeply genuine so the family legal system, judges, etc. need to question more and pay attention to who is running into situations where their narratives don't align and they can't explain it. They shouldn't separate aspects of the case and their impressions from them. They rely too much on hired guns. All aspects, including financial handling, all go together to reflect on the persons involved. Look at Murdaugh. Why wouldn't children be able to be speak honestly any less than adults? This is not to say children can't be convinced of wrong perceptions. I just wrote a lengthy comment on that, and I was lucky my kids were intelligent enough and my ex got busy with his entertainment life enough that I could have a better influence and because he had to do better in front of family and friends. The children wanted to be with me because I was their healthier parent and he abused our children and my daughter had been suspecting he didn't love her in a panic for a while and I could no longer reassure her, despite my own doubts. I kept saying to myself that he appreciated them in his own way, but he didn't really.

@@b.boston8529 so kids who ARE manipulated aren't smart? Sorry, your argument doesn't wash with me.. good for you and your kids. You know NOTHING about my case, yet you act as if you do. You went at me pretty strongly on another page We don't see eye to eye. There are entire families duped by con artists. Professional art dealers are conned (see Walsh case). Let's agree that we disagree and move on. I don't see anything productive here. Best to you.

@@gregandcarrie2 I have seen your comments before and no, I don't know your case, but you mentioned that kids choose the unsafe parent and mine might have IF my ex hadn't abused them so harshly, intently, and directly when he had them alone. Children die so it is important everyone is heard and all experiences are understood. You did not give details but you made a blanket statement too.

Super annoying, it's roughly 50/50 male & female perpetrators of this kind of abuse, but men have no resources & don't speak up, they have women's shelters, but what about for men? I've experienced both, personal & my son & myself by his then wife, who was so much worse, even though I was nearly killed, she destroyed my entire family & Gbabies. Much Love