What Is Self-Gaslighting?

Рет қаралды 3,978

Жыл бұрын

Merriam-Webster's word of the year "Gaslighting" is the topic of today's video and we explore how possible it is to even gaslight oneself.
One of the brutal effects of being gaslighted, is that we start to gaslight ourselves: we minimize our truth, we believe we are “bad,” we lose the ability to trust ourselves and carry the abusive messages that were repeated as though they are our own voice.
#gaslighting #selfgaslighting
I explore this topic more in my memoir:
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Dr. Ingrid Clayton is a clinical psychologist, trauma therapist and trauma survivor speaking on the intersection of Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma. She combines her personal experiences of childhood trauma with her clinical background to educate others on trauma responses, trauma bonding, trauma reenactment and more.
She is the author of BELIEVING ME: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.

Пікірлер: 47

@MicahRion Жыл бұрын

Thank you for the reminder that emotional abuse is real, even though it can be invisible.

@meghanhauser3708 Жыл бұрын

'Not allowed'......familiar words. Haunting words. 'Not allowed to be normal'. Thank you for the video.

@bloominbean Жыл бұрын

Wow. Thank you. The timing of this is perfect for me. I realise I've been gaslighting myself for so long. The idea of surrender kept coming to me today. Surrender to the truth of how much it hurts. The honesty of it. Previous few days I haven't slept well. I've been wrestling with my thoughts so much. Not trusting my feelings. Not allowing them to be heard. Minimizing. I'm tired of holding it all in by pretending it wasn't that bad. I'm sober and so much has rocketed to the surface. I'm not numbing it anymore. I've got to let it out. No more secrets no more pretending.

@sh6460 Жыл бұрын

Can and could never do enough for my dad and ex.

@asta155 Жыл бұрын

If it is my fault I can fix it...the story of my life. If it's not my fault then is someone else's fault, and then I have to move on and move out. but can I? Self gaslighting. Of course I can. That's my story today. Hopeless is terrifying but also liberating.

@bellaluce7088 9 ай бұрын

It was only *by chance* that I realized as an adult that I'd been brainwashed that I wasn't ALLOWED/qualified to validate my own feelings, reality, or worth. My disgust at what a despicable thing that is to do to a child (or anyone!) fueled me to start trusting mySELF, which in turn *turbocharged* my healing! Huzzah!

@sagemoma Жыл бұрын

Radical self acceptance is a very healing concept. Just getting out of my second codependent relationship with a narcissist and recently realized that before they began the love bombing I saw the truth about this person and thought they were an a-hole, but they worked very hard to make me like them and I blinded my initial observations. Never going to do that again because I trust my instincts and know who is safe or I can say that I am building the boundaries within which only safe people can enter. Thank Ingrid, your work is meaningful and has informed my healing journey!

@veronicafadel8693 Жыл бұрын

I do that to myself as a survival tool 3:52

@thesehandsart Жыл бұрын

I think the safety factor is huge in my processing and healing. Right now I have to live with my abusive family and I find myself exhausted by the struggle of the cycle of working on my healing which is then interspersed with my families manipulation and abuse. I have to hide my happiness or they will attack, I have to hide my anger or annoyance at their manipulation and abuse or they will see that they are getting what they want and continue further. The struggle is coming at a high cost to my health and is exhausting.

@thesehandsart Жыл бұрын

My god, there is sooooo much here that I keep saying YES that's me. I appreciate so much you sharing your experiences, it makes me feel so understood and helps me understand what I have been feeling for more than 40 years. You have my sincerest gratitude and appreciation❤️❤️❤️

@jac1797 Жыл бұрын

I've done self gaslighting as well. The other weird thing I do is I have a selective memory and don't remember the bad things. Some people think that's great but actually it isn't.

@acg3042 Жыл бұрын

Thanks! I realized I was self gaslighting bc it was a reflection of how I was raised and treated by others throughout my life. It’s not a way that is authentic to my nature.

@johnkennedy1242 Жыл бұрын

Thank you

@ewamariamajdan6200 Жыл бұрын

Thank you again! I had been gaslighted and gaslighted myself. I was called a narcissist by a narcissist. I almost believed it. People from outside the toxic relationship helped me peel the layers and reflected who I really was. I think their help was the most significant in that process. I wonder if a fragile narcissist is aware of the fact that they are gaslighting and manipulating their partner, or is it all subconscious? Can he be just lacking self awareness??

@gorunsko31 Жыл бұрын

@Ewa Maria Majdan i ask myself this question too. For too long I have been telling myself “he is not aware.” This why I had to gaslight myself. With more understanding of this insidious disorder, I see Fragile Narcissist is a Master Manipulator. His mask slipped off during Covid lockdown. Keep the focus on self care and you will find out if he has a self awareness or not. Best wishes.

@ewamariamajdan6200 Жыл бұрын

@@gorunsko31 Thank you. :) "My" narcissist is no longer in my life, but I am still puzzled by some aspects of his behaviour. He was always very self-righteous. Facing the truth about himself would be unbearable. It would shatter his self image. My guess is, he was not aware of the gaslighting or the emotional abuse. My guess is he is STILL not aware. But that is his problem now. All the best to you too.

@BobbiGail Жыл бұрын

It's as if all of us share the SAME ex. So weird how common this is.

@ewamariamajdan6200 Жыл бұрын

@@BobbiGail It made me laugh.😆 But it is so true.

@IndigoBleue Жыл бұрын

Oh my goodness! I can relate with all of this except people from the outside helping me see ... my ex was gaslighting us all. It wasn't until I commented on this video that it dawned on me that maybe he was gaslighting himself and we all got sucked into it. After he was no longer able to be the filter (he was removed due to pedophilia), I was shocked to hear people's surprise when they got to know me as a competent, generous, level-headed, hard-working person!

@Se-leve 10 ай бұрын

As I hear this I am struggling to get a breath in. I’ve tried so hard to work on getting rid of this feeling for so long. It’s shocking how much your story mirrors mine with my mom’s husband. I can’t use the word father when referring to him. I cut all ties and moved 500 miles away and just recently found out my mother is terminally ill. She’s 82. The guilt I feel. I’ve tried to reconnect thru phone call but she’s still the same. Nothing is mentioned about what has happened. I think the last thing I said to her two years ago was I want nothing to do with him. I didnt realize in that moment that meant I had to let her go to. I went thru so much grief. When I moved I felt on top of the world and excited about my future. Now I’m gaslighting myself everyday. And talking to her reminds me even more she’s gaslighting me without saying anything about the elephant in the room. She expects me to pick up where we left off. I ask myself am I over reacting? Then I have to go thru the trauma in my head to come back to reality. The answer is no. It’s absolutely insane.

@iw9338 Жыл бұрын

Thanks very much. I was told I'm too sensitive. I minimized my needs and wants as a kid cause there were 10 others that had needs. Permission granted, to be me and enjoy the things I see as important, like a walk in the woods.

@annthelen Жыл бұрын

This helps sooo much. ...Your childhood stuff is so freaking similar to what I experienced..and then later..other stuff..even stuff still going on if life around me actually..I'm 61..I read your book in one day! Thank you for all you do!!!❤❤❤ Oh, also, yes, I have experienced56 years of significant others gaslighting me and others..I have been learning to stop selfgaslighting!!! I believe what God and His Word and His Spirit tells my gut now(and always did!)!!! ...I've been working on this for 10 years now.❤🙌

@veronicafadel8693 Жыл бұрын

I really appreciate the way you describe this process. It’s exactly what happens to me daily. If I feel then I react. If I react to my narcissistic husband’s behavior the way it makes me feel I will probably kill him. I have to hold myself until I can escape from him.

@bellaluce7088 9 ай бұрын

"Empty Chair" work has really helped me with anger that's unsafe to express directly. Naming their abuse out loud and cursing them with the unrestrained depths your anger and outrage even without them there is surprisingly therapeutic. I'm a generally peaceful, non-aggressive person, but after my abusive father died, visualizing physically beating him up also helped. Punching pillows and shadow boxing or just marching in place or doing jumping jacks can help release emotions as well as the harmful stress chemicals that come from feeling powerless in unsafe situations. (It also helps when I've been dangerously cut off in traffic. ; - ) #WhyZebrasDon'tGetUlcers #RobertSapolsky

@Taylor-el7ru Жыл бұрын

You genuinely will never understand how grateful I am for you making these videos 💕

@jasongrice5465 Жыл бұрын

As a child my parents were always against me no matter what it was. It was their state of being in denial and had nothing to do with me. It was their s#/t. 💜🇦🇺🦘🙏

@virginia6158 Жыл бұрын

Boy does this resonate with my soul. As soon as I saw the title of this post, I knew it would teach me something. Coming from a family of abuse on all sides, in all ways, which started the moment I was born, the one thing I do very well is negative self talk. I'm an expert at this exact thing...self gaslighting. And never knew until this video it even was a thing. Your way of presenting issues and ideas and tools, I can learn from. That is unusual, so I appreciate you. In your videos, you show us how to utilize the tools you teach, deep breaths, hand to heart, etc, and it helps to see how to implement them. Just thank you! I'm 67, and have just discovered that I suffer from CPTSD. It's liberating to understand myself, finally, and also terrifying. I'm using the info you provided in another video to find a therapist who can help me learn how to navigate through it. ❤️‍🩹

@gorunsko31 Жыл бұрын

@Virginia me too. I am 73. Just started connecting the dots. I know I am married to Fragile Narcissist. He gaslit me and I did the same for survival. Wanted to run, but had small children and did not know the language of husband’s country. Stayed and waited and tried this counseling and that, marriage counseling… not a beep about narcissistic abuse. Learned from social media. I study this disorder and my cptsd every day. Knowledge is power.

@ewamariamajdan6200 Жыл бұрын

@@gorunsko31 Knowledge is power. Learning the truth is liberating.

@Machiavelli.R.Us. Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this ☝️

@reflectivemuse1223 Жыл бұрын

Thanks! 🙏

@thegardnerz Жыл бұрын

Just finding you and your message. Bought your book. So excited to learn and heal. Thank you.

@saramichael3837 2 ай бұрын

The last 5 minutes are the deepest. You said we assume over responsibility to protect ourselves from seeing the other as manipulative. Our brains are so smart from early on we are dependent and we try to fix our parents then our parents. And this links well with self-trust. If we can dare to see ourselves capable of leaving whatever dynamic behind this frees us from the fear and softens the denial. This moment when you are slapped on the face and for the first time you realise you were in denial for years!😢

@khaledaparveenrupa3206 Жыл бұрын

Whenever I listen to you I get so overwhelmed, don't know what to say. It's so accurate.

@Jasonslittlesister1 Жыл бұрын

Just found this channel through Dr Ramani. Now going through the videos, not all at once, but some of them day to day. It's like a journey. Yesterday it was extremely painful, even for my body, not just the mind. But hearing someone saying things I recently started to discover but don't know how to put into a whole picture is enormously encouraging. After realizing the emotional abusive childhood in a narcissistic household 4 years ago it now feels like coming to a place where I finally feel emotions of understanding and reassemblance. It feels good to finally have a name to put on it. There's the term of the "self-critic". I told a therapist: "I don't just have a self-detractor, I have a whole self-gaslighter! I don't just use criticism but gaslighting for punishing myself!" That was kind of 3 or 4 months ago. Long before finding this video. Amazing to find this video now. Maybe I'm on the right track now. Thank you for the content.

@theologytherapist Жыл бұрын

That is awesome that Merriam Webster named that the word of the year! Self gaslighting happens soooo often after CPTSD and can be difficult to bring attention to because there’s some level of shame afterward. Thanks Ingrid!

@Brutewaffe Жыл бұрын

So wonderful, thank you!!!!

@lynnbilbrey8823 Жыл бұрын

That makes so much sense “a knot in my body” is exactly how I feel. I’ve explained before that in my body I truly feel like my body is a wooden box and I’m trying to fit circles into a triangle hole. No matter how hard I try it just won’t go but I feel so close. And I definitely constantly try to find “the answer” and every time I’m on a new kick I think this could be it. I tried convincing myself I was autistic. “If it’s my fault I feel like I can fix it” omg wow that’s exactly how I feel wow

@lynnbilbrey8823 Жыл бұрын

I’ve done multiple “diagnoses” that I know just aren’t even true now

@lynnbilbrey8823 Жыл бұрын

I wrote down “if it’s my fault, I feel like I can fix it” I swear that encompasses every single thing I’ve ruminated about every single day since narcissistic abuse. I’d really love to talk to you one on one is there a way we can do personal counseling?

@krystalhall6231 Жыл бұрын

Thank you! Your videos have helped me so much.

@IndigoBleue Жыл бұрын

I had a different understanding of gaslighting ... maybe I've had it wrong? I do this to myself all the time! What I experienced as gaslighting was quite complex. I've described it as an emotional version of Munchausen by proxy syndrome (and I think of it as poisoning to "heal" ... causing/manufacturing a situation so one can both control and be viewed as the "savior/saint"). Here's a simple scenario: I have an idea. My husband encourages me to pursue it. When I do, it falls flat. I do not know he is sabotaging it behind the scenes. When I express disappointments, he comforts, says I'm misunderstood--all the greats are, others don't "get" creative geniuses--and operate in a higher/different realm, minimizes the opinions of others, and basically encourages me again and influences me to stay very separate from those who don't understand me. These things didn't come out until after the divorce, and this type of manipulation infused everything! Was it actually gaslighting? Maybe it's a mass gaslighting! He was hiding some pretty big secrets (pedophilia was one), so it could be that he was gaslighting himself and sucked the rest of us in, keeping us all isolated and distrusting one other while viewing him as the saint. So since I knew that as gaslighting, I surely didn't think it was possible to do that to myself. I'd love to know if you have insight on that.

@angyt1070 9 ай бұрын

Thank you. I love your content and down to earth personality.❤😊

@maureenclarke4143 Жыл бұрын

Amazing message - thank you

@SabiLewSounds Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this... There is so much of my past hurt that I have to deprogram... My father and brother gaslighted me my whole life than like you friends and other relationships continued to give me that same programming in my life... I started therapy 2.5 yrs ago and I am only just now even aware of so much of what has been running in my mind as their ghosts inside my head. Every time I want to celebrate myself or my achievements, every time a person disrespects me or puts me down, every time someone refuses to uphold my boundaries... I feel like I am the problem, like I am the demon in the room, like I am overly sensitive, like I am selfish and even when I fall for someone I feel I am a s**t... It hurts every day. I am thankful to have found your channel.