My wife never told me she was molested at 10 years of age and raped by her brother. She at 47 years of marriage finally told me! Devistated/ shock.

I disclosed my past trauma with a date a year ago. He claimed to be supportive but turned around and assaulted me after 3 dates then claimed it was consensual. You never really know and you’re right about finding safe people.

I really needed this video. My ex didn’t take it well and honestly it’s mainly the reason we broke up I think. He did the opposite of helping me through quite honestly. PTSD is so confusing, I’m never ever ready for it to hit as hard as it does anyway. I’m going on a fourth date soon with someone and I’m scared to tell her. I just find it hard because it’s the thing that destroyed my last relationship and the reason I’ve been single since. As a slam poet, I’m very used to throwing my trauma out there to a room full of strangers, but sometimes telling the people who are close to you is a million times harder. I just really needed this video to help me mull it over honestly, so thank you x

I told my boyfriend before having sex, I felt it was something he needed to know. Considering I could have freaked out if we moved too fast and I thought he should know any risk.

It is a profound wisdom not to wait. Communication is key in a close relationship. Learn about each other slowly at first. To the extent that it is necessary to dive into the painful stuff, do so at the proper time and setting. Waiting until you're in love with someone or they're in love with you could be problematic. If they reject you or feel duped or taken advantage of, then you'll have a new painful situation and feelings of resentment and possibly trouble trusting in your current relationship, if it continues. Just my thoughts. This is coming from someone with a hurtful past who's tried to open up to others many times and has been retraumatized almost as many times by their bewildered and even hateful reactions. There aren't many people who get it, but at least some allow you to fully be yourself and still accept you. For all who are trying to find a partner to be fully open and emotionally naked and vulnerable with, I wish you well. May you have safe and supportive interactions with others. You may be hurt, you may feel broken, but you are always valuable and beautiful. Remember that. ✌&💗

My relationship with my husband started off because of the fact that I needed to "break" from the stress of everything I had been through. We had emailed back and forth for a while and he had said if I needed to get away from the hustle of the city that I could visit him out in the country for peace and quiet. I told him all that I was going through (and had gone through) and warned him that I might be a bit emotional but he understood and said to come for the visit just the same. So glad I did. It was a bonding experience and here we are almost 8 years later (will celebrate our 8th anniversary in March). Virginia northern Minnesota (about 2 hours from the Canadian border)

I often tell new people my stories too soon 🙈 because I don't know how else to explain why I am so different from the average in some things and to try make them aware of how to care for my weak spots let's say. But at the same time, it's NOT a good strategy to tell people before you REALLY know whether they are safe people 😔 it's a tough balance 🤔🤷‍♀️

I believe if you want to have a future with someone I think its better you tell them from the start... Don't tell someone who you see no future with

Your story parallels the situation i’m in. My boyfriend ( lives in the U.K, haven’t been in the same space yet) has been through abuse and other awful things. It was hard for him at first but once he understood that whatever he told me i won’t leave. that was 2015, Eventually he was able to get to the point open up about getting help mentally. Fast forward to November of this year, HE basically decided it’s time to move forward 😊. Unfortunately there was a suicide attempt back then and he aggravated the injury but he has decided to get it fixed but he completely blew me away when he emailed me the update that he is doing intense mental work as well! I couldn’t be more proud to one day call him my husband!❤️ That patience thing though🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

I truly think that it depends on the person you are seeing. And I agree with testing the waters with seeing how they react to certain subjects such as PTSD, physical abuse etc...first before telling them. At least that is a lesson I have learned. Ty Jo for posting this!

I waited almost 5 years to tell my boyfriend I find it very hard to talk about I do go to therapy but I don't want to bring it home

I just dumped my trauma on a new date. He was the first guy I had dated in person since my husband's death 2 years ago. My trauma was reinforced more than once. I needed to hear this today. Thanks, Jo. One of the guys who traumatized me was my psychotherapist. On the day I asked him to explain transferrence. We wound up in bed that night. He was such a jerk. I am so much better now! Thanks for giving me awareness of my timing, and why I put so much on this new guy's shoulders.

i'm thinking of telling this guy I'm seeing tomorrow, it's the 3rd time i've watched this video to give me courage to open up.. wish me luck

I had 3 (technically 4-if you want the full story just let me know) boyfriends after my abuse. The first “three,” I didn’t even think to mention it. Maybe because I knew I wasn’t gonna be with them forever? But I didn’t share that with them because I wanted to forget it ever happened and to never think about it again. The last one (aka the one I’m with) I told a little after a week of dating, because of family things and I was SO AFRAID to tell him. I thought that it would be the end and I didn’t want to lose him, but I told, he listened, and he said “I’m sorry. I wish I could fix it.” Then when we started trying to have sex, I’d get panicky and say, “See? This is what I mean. If you’re not okay with me freaking out like this; here’s your out. I get it.” And he didn’t want the out. Now we’ve been together for almost a year and a half and he’s still so supportive and understanding. He protects me and doesn’t think I’m some crazy person. He knows I went through a horrific thing and it affects me

Been 16 years since I was sexually abused by my brother and I am still dealing with the trauma. There are days I can't even stop crying about what happened to me. I didn't go to therapy until now. Now i am in a relationship with this amazing guy and I am struggling between telling him what I been through and waiting a lil while. We have been dating for the past couple of months and I was being moody and weird around him for the past 1 month. I don't want him to think I am like that all the time. I don't know what to do right now.

I was honest from the start I took that risk of telling him an he's the most understanding guy I've ever met we have a love story started an I'm looking forward to our journey together

While I was never assaulted or physically abused, I have experienced something that has led me to be very distrusting of others and is a deep source of shame for me. I don’t tell ppl about it usually, but I feel like the person I’m seeing now has a right to know. Perhaps when things get a little more serious. Thank you for the insight.

Every male I told ran

I told this guy not much later after first remembering only some of the memories he told me fuck you for not telling me sooner. Then that I don't deserve that. ??!And he also told me mental disorders don't exist when I said I had PTSD. He would call me crazy all the time especially after I'd be crying he once sat with his face to me repeatedly calling me crazy watching my cry more and more as if it was a show for him to watch. Then years later when I couldn't let him go as an acquaintance talking on the phone and repeating a hurtful sentence 3 times in a row to elicit a reaction. So yeah in hindsight don't tell an asshole bc shockingly they will react like a manipulative asshole.

I think we should think very carefully before disclosing. Is it something they’re going to throw up in your face later? If that’s even a possibility then don’t

I'm going to need this knowledge eventually, thanks for this video! PS love your mascara!! 😍

Unfortunately, the trauma is now a part of who I am

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. As someone who has waited 30 years to deal with the abuse he suffered as an 11 year old boy, I am really struggling in area.

It is uncommon to dive into such deep topics early, but that doesn’t make it wrong. More frequently than not, the other person will see it as a red flag or that that person is not healed. It’s a risk that we cannot help but take due to events we could not control. However, I believe that sometimes when shared with the right person, who understands and has been there and healed from something similar, that risk that we are ashamed of being forced to take, pays off. It is harder to find love, discouraging to be misunderstood, and more rare to find someone with the emotional depth/openness to see that vulnerability is not the same as someone still clinging to baggage, but it will happen. I confidently know that discussing heavy topics early on is just as alright as it is unintentional, as long as both people have healed from their personal trauma or are to the point that they refuse to stop making progress on their journey of healing. Not everyone who we share our story with will get it, and thank God for that. Because why would anyone want to be with someone who takes a healthy and healed person being confident enough to be open, honest, and vulnerable as them being weak, broken, and a risk? I put in the fucking work and if you did as well, don’t ever let your past stop you from the future that you deserve.

It's important to pick up patterns. To see self accountability. Great idea to watch for clues from movies and so on. Such an important video, thank you! I suck at estimating the trustworthiness of people. I like em, I trust em -boy, did I go wrong...

you are so bright and beautiful inside and out, I feel seen by this content and it has really helped me so much. Thank you

I dont know how to tell him, he loves me so much and I know it will hurt to hear but I need him to know why I act the way I do

Thank you so much Jo. I needed this

Really needed this right now. Thanks so much ❤

As a partner of a survivor of severe long term childhood sexual trauma, who’s now coming out of an 11 year relationship, severely impacted by partner’s trauma, I would say If a relationship is trending toward serious, openness and honesty about this part of a trauma survivor’s past is absolutely necessary to build a healthy foundation for the future. Why? Because invariably, this sort of trauma will always impact the trauma survivor’s thoughts, feelings, and behavior in any close romantic relationship. Sharing the trauma is only the first step. More importantly, giving the partner insight into the effects of their trauma in a relationship setting can be really helpful for both people. My soon to be ex-wife shared this with me not until we were 8 months into dating and about to move in together. It explained a lot and I had nothing but compassion for her. I accepted her whole heartedly and thought the impact on our relationship wouldnt be that bad. Unfortunately, she denied any connection between the trauma and her unacceptable behaviors towards me over time/personality traits/feelings (violence, blind rage, projection, constant blame, gaslighting, narcissism, fear of abandonment, constant feelings of invalidation, etc) and therefore never sought any help because according to her it was resolved. After years of therapy to help me deal with somebody like this while I was in it, reading dozens, and dozens of books about her diagnosed disorder- borderline/narc PD (talking to other trauma survivors, couples counseling, etc., I realized nothing would ever change, in terms of her lack of self awareness. Why I stayed for so long speaks volumes to my codependency. This is an extreme case, but the bottom line is a partner should always know what they need to do, not do, etc in a relationship with a trauma survivor, and in order to do that and educate themselves, the trauma has to be shared in some way, preferably in the beginning. Sending lots of love to everyone in this type of relationship, both survivors, and to their partners. It’s never easy and feels like an uphill battle a lot of time, but there is hope.

I love your strength Jo, I started on your other channel, thankyou. ... maybe love is the wrong word here, but I hope you get my meaning.

for me its like you said, i dont judge anyone for deciding what they want to do one way or the other. it is all about safety and when you've been through trauma, your feeling of safety is already compromised. for me it was kind of not all at once sort of thing? i feel like this is maybe true for most people. me and my current spouse had bonded over many things and we were already friends before we started dating. so we had already told each other about some struggles we had, this is because at the time we were still going through some of our trauma. so it was kind of a long process of sharing with each other over many years.

I've heard "don't tell them until after you're engaged", but that's never felt right to me for my particular situation.Thank you for sharing your experience, it's helpful information for me as I'm navigating dating. I definitely feel like there are times when I've shared too soon in the past, but for me I feel the need to be open about my trauma to an extent fairly early on because of my particular triggers and how they impact my relationships. For me, waiting until after I'm engaged or married would likely hurt far more than it would help. Currently I'm settled on "wait until it's relevant".

I feel like damaged goods and I’ve even been called damaged goods

I feel like it's important to tell them, but I hide it because instead of loving me through it they just make it harder for me.

You're beautiful jo you look amazing you're such a good person sorry about all the negative crap that happened to you love you jo

I love how you put into words what I'm trying to explain to my friends and family. Your videos helps me a lot. Thank you

Thank you thank you Jo. I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist/sociopath for over 10 yrs. I have now been dating someone wonderful for about 6 months. I told him very high gist level things early on so that he would know why/how to respond when I got triggered/ had a panic attack. He responded amazingly. But lately I've been feeling like this is serious enough now (and we've built enough trust) to share more detail. He says I don't need to tell him and I should probably focus on moving on. I try to consider his feelings, but also feel like to know me well he needs to know a bit more about what I experienced. I've been struggling with how to approach this with him.

Dating should be fun. I think as a society we are pressured to couple in long-lasting relationships; often at the expense of just enjoying life and learning about ourselves and also just learning about other people and how we relate to them. I also think that dumping serious things onto someone while just trying to get to know them is a way of intruding on people's boundaries and not being respectful of them. I think that yes, it's important for our potential partners to learn about us - but the idea that we have to do that in days or weeks or even months is filled with a lot of pressure. And, as a person who has suffered trauma, I need to take time to just enjoy other people, and also learn how to react and respond to other people. Slowly getting to know one another is such a great experience. Being in a hurry means that we are trying to force an outcome and probably have a lot of expectations. "Expectations are just premeditated resentments". :)

Thank you so much for this. I started watching your channel after escaping an abusive 4yr relationship last November. I saw when you posted this video and was not even in the mindset to be close to anyone. A few months later I'm thinking I might want to date, came back to this video and finally watched it. This hugely resonated with me and you always seem to put so clearly into words what I am feeling. Thank you so much for trauma talk! 💗💗

"Up front, open, honest". Jo, that's hard to do without having a trauma-based mental disorder. In my opinion, being open and vulnerable is necessary in having rewarding, significant relationships, no matter how fragile your health. Many relationships are not significant. But, when a relationship is significant to you, you have to be up front, open and honest, eventually.

I was an abusive relationship with my ex fiancé, and it was really bad almost lost my life to find out. He gave me a lifelong sentence afterwards. I didn’t date for a few years after it happened and I decided to talking to somebody a guy that I knew I thought was a good friend and found out they were good and they threw everything that I told him that happened in my face. for some reason, those narcissist and psychopaths are always lurking. My question is how do I disclose trauma that’s related to a permanent STD due to a Sa

I told my "date" in the beginning of our relationship I had been assaulted at the age of 13 and that I was not ready for getting physical. I thought he could wait, he told me he could, but then he was pressing and pressing and pressing, mentioning every time we were seeing each other, reminding me that he was waiting, so I finally agreed. He treated me so brutally I had to visit a doctor to make sure I'm OK because I was all sore and bleeding from there. When I told him he had hurt me a few days later he just asked me "why didn't you tell anything right away? How was I supposed to know?"... I've been asking myself the same question again and again, then recently I learned I was probably dissocitaed and/or in a freeze response. Anyway that's why I will never go to bed with anyone again, no matter what, just NEVER, I just don't care if they seem understanding or compassionate. I don't want anything of this to be part of my life.

If you're with a type of weekling who doesn't want to hear about it , know it is not a real intimate relationship. Welcome in the reality! Hence it happens to soooo many of us , those who can't deal with it, are just not made for life. A relationship is about showing your soul and this is in our soul . We went through on enough already, respect yourself enough to be with someone who deserves and appreciates to see your real self . Btw , those who can't deal with it , are 90%+ perpetrators themselves.

It’s a Catch-22 because you do act different from other people at least I really do I have John. They can’t really get to know you until you start feeling comfortable with them and trust them. The other issue is they know what’s wrong with you or they’re gonna think something you know that you’re just really odd and it’s better for them than know. The other issue with them knowing is if they’re a narcissist, then they can take advantage of that.

I always am up front and get in trouble for it, but to be honest it's who I am I'm so honest. And I just keep thinking, I lived through it. If u can't deal with an fning conversation haha how are u gunna deal with me?! For a lifelong commitment, I have no time to waste. I just am ready to give up. The more my story continues there's so much. I don't know how to be anything but myself. But I appreciate this video. Thank u.

I haven't watched the video yet, but in my opinion it's better to just get it out of the way "right from the start". Like, of course! you don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to. That's completely fine. But I, for one, wouldn't want a relationship (or a friendship for that matter) with someone who reacts negatively because of my trauma. So I usually bring it up within the first few days (or weeks) of knowing someone. I'm calling it "taking the trash out". ^^'

I resonate with your story so much. Thank you for sharing I feel less alone now, and I really needed this advice it was perfect. ❤️

The problem is if you don’t tell him, they’re gonna figure it out, especially if you have complex PTSD it’s very obvious

I think there’s a big difference in casual dating and a committed relationship. If someone is just looking for a non-serious relationship then it’s going to be pointless to disclose private information. If someone shows interest for the long haul then giving more intimate details would be okay, IMO

TW: Trauma dumping I'm terribly afraid to even go out and date again. I do it but then the overthinking starts again. My first relationship was pretty good despite me not knowing that I had bad trauma response in some situations, we broke up but are still friends to this day. The 2. Was just so emotionally draining and the 3rd plain mentality abusive (he also had to deal with a lot of trauma which I'm very sorry for, but that's not an excuse to treat me like garbage) Before I met the 3rd I got assaulted a few months before and I told him on the 2. Date he was nice but since things like that happend to him as well and he never really dealt with it he brushed it off as if it was a normal thing that just happens. He lied to me a lot of times, I actually think I didn't even know him one bit. He ghosted me from time to time, abused substances. Never communicate anything to me and down talked my feelings when I tried to open up to him and when I cried he invalidated it completely, then ghosted me again and broke up out of nowhere after not responding to me the whole time. I also got secondary trauma from his stories which triggered my own trauma so that I even get flashbacks from things that never happend to me. The whole relationship I felt sick to my stomach, it was just a big mess. And a perfect example of a trauma bond. Months after I still am recovering from it and overthink when dating people, I feel like I can't trust again, what people say, and I get afraid that the same shit is happening again. I'm looking for therapy again.❤ Thank you your videos helping me a lot to not be so harsh to myself ❤

Hi Jo, not relating to this video (sorry), but I was wondering what your thoughts are regarding flashbacks. Do you think all flashbacks are PTSD or whether some are just normal human responses? By flashback I mean unpleasant and uncontrollable reliving of an experience, where that experience may have been life threatening or may have instead been very emotional, eg losing a very sentimental item.

should a person in a relationship ask about past sexual abuse if they had any? if yes.. how and when?. it feels wrong to ask about it but then again you wanna comfort them by letting them know you can share it.

The woman that I love has been through really bad things and I’ve lost her over it and I want to help her get through it and help her but She doesn’t want to talk to me anymore

Yea I told my boss Kyle my trauma and he got a gang stalker to follow me they brought me back to the job to bad mouth me they tried to use my mental health against me

Only right answer is BEFORE relationship!!!!!!!!

Trauma Talk! I'm sorry that this might not be the Appropriate Arena. I was the son of immigrants & when you are 4 years old & get HIT so you fly into the fibro wall & leave a Big CRACK & get blamed for SPOILING the wall. & So GET HIT AGAIN. & as a Kid you try to keep Quiet & hope that he won't look at the crack in the the wall again coz he will keep Concussing you. I found a dark small QUIET room in my mind that I could go into while my Father Beat my Body. I Learned. love Steve Holliday

I have trauma from sexual assault by my brother and he touched me inappropriately and snuck around my parents and continued to inappropriately touch me and that happened to me when I was 12 and I’ve only just figured out what he was doing and im now 18 and I’m finding it hard to get my sex drive back as I have a partner that I’m in a relationship with and I have been for 4 years now and we’ve had intimacy and that but I’ve only just started to have troubles with my sex life and it’s traumatic and I don’t know how to get over it so I can continue my happy relationship with my partner without including my partner as he knows about my past problems but doesn’t understand the healing process I never told anyone about it not even my parents I guess I’m just finding it hard to open up to my parents about it without my brother finding out and accusing me of lying

I told someone about my trauma and they disappeared a few days later, I’m not sure if it’s cause I told them or it’s because of something else. I don’t know if they thought they had to deal with trauma so I’m not sure if I should talk to them and ask what happened?

Please answer me❤ I am a vicitim of being emotionally abused by my covert narcissistic ex husband and right now im getting to know a guy to be in a serious relationship with him. He sometimes do or say things that trigger my past trauma and when i get so upset over what he does, he thinks im being so dramatic and he belittles the way I feel although I try to explain to him that the reason why i "overreact" over the things he considers as "silly" is a result of my trauma. Should I continue with this guy? I sometimes brush it off saying that he might not be well educated about mental health and thats why he doesnt get why i react that way.

I have actually told strangers as it was relevant.

I really understand that. I am a 56 year old man. Why would any woman want to be with me? I fight with this every single day.

I told my ex on our first date so that he wouldn’t reject me down the line. Neither one of us was prepared for how bad the ptsd was gonna get

Becareful I relies this week I need to tell the one I'm talking to before I have sex or anything before hand cause idk how to explain it does anyone know how to keep the emotions in check cause I just lost it emotional as a man I feel like there no real info for dudes and what to do with rape trauma/ sex trauma and I didn't relies it until the repressed memories came back and we'll I mess up but the person I was talking to really show no empathy tours me and now I'm relies as a man u better not tell her the issue unless she has told u her and we'll if there a dude here good luck mate cause honestly it been 3 years since I had a crush on a girl and this one girl u was really into we'll that destroyed me

Need help.!!! Nobody knows and told him My boyfriend...fiance told him about my sexual abuse. He thinks that are things I need to keep it for myself. He feels traumatized, picture story all the time and even told that his libido was not ok. Feel bad feel sad feel like the worst person ever feel depressed 😔

💜

I also told someone I dated I reported a rapist and he raped me too. I'm really fed up with a lot of guys tbh and the criminal justice system is non existent. But I want children and to get married aswell

I have to explain something quickly as I end up following out of my body when I’m overwhelmed so basically being around a man for too long. The good ones will catch you 😂

Don't nobody wants another person's baggage. Nobody cares. Grow up It will push them away