Who is the Other Woman?

Рет қаралды 54,555

Күн бұрын

This week, I’d like to talk about a concept that isn’t fun, but it is essential to recovery. We’ll be discussing the anatomy of an affair and how to wrap your mind around the concept of who is the other man or woman? (I offer an important disclaimer in this article which I hope you’ll read.) It’s vital that we understand who the other party is as well as how to interpret them and frame them in your own recovery. I hope you’ll be brave today and read more about this necessary step in recovery.
FULL, FREE Article here:
www.affairrecovery.com/newsle...
- Join the Recovery Library: www.affairrecovery.com/produc...
- FREE Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity: www.affairrecovery.com/surviv...
- Subscribe to the AffairRecovery.com newsletter article of the week list:
affairrecovery.us2.list-manag...
- What kind of affair was it?
FREE Affair Analyzer: www.affairrecovery.com/affair...
About Recovery Library Memberships:
- Access 3,000+ Q&A Videos, Articles and Mentor Stories
- Get answers from 1,500+ Expert Q&A Videos (Like this one!)
- Talk with others in the private Recovery Library Forums
www.affairrecovery.com/produc...
“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida
HEAL with Affair Recovery:
- Weekend Retreat: www.affairrecovery.com/produc...
- Online Courses: www.affairrecovery.com/progra...
- Hope Rising Conference: www.affairrecovery.com/hope-r...
- Recovery Library: www.affairrecovery.com/produc...
Infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW, is one of America’s foremost authorities on helping individuals and couples struggling with affairs and compulsive sexual behaviors. He is Founder and President of AffairRecovery.com, the first company to offer anonymous worldwide online group support for those impacted by infidelity. Reynolds holds a Master's Degree in Social Work and is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. In 1992, Reynolds developed and began leading “affair recovery groups.” He received his Master's of Social Work from the University of Denver and completed three years of post-graduate training at the Colorado Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy. He has also worked at the nationally-known Minirth-Meier Tunnel & Wilson Clinic before moving on to private practice: www.affairrecovery.com/about-...

Пікірлер: 123

@FSM197 Жыл бұрын

I think what was hard let go of for me is that the other woman was also married, knew he was married and didn’t take responsibility. The double standard.

@Bumbledora Жыл бұрын

Close to my case, but my husband's AP was single. She knew he was married with kids and didn't say no. No morals.

@Alphacentauri819 4 ай бұрын

@@BumbledoraI’d be careful to label her as “no morals”… often with most judgments, they are due to fear/and or a lack of information. You will never fully know what he told her…or if what he’s telling you about what she knew, didn’t know, is true. Many times, men will say to the other woman that their marriage is mostly over, that their wife thinks it’s over too, and that they are staying together for the kids. Often the man is so deep in denial, justification, that he paints a picture that is not reflective of reality. Most women, will not willingly get into an affair with a married man, who is trying to make his marriage work, who has kids. Often, they are duped. Not told the guy is married initially, or some narratives of unhappiness and that it’s essentially over. In those cases, those women aren’t being wise, but they often don’t realize the whole picture. I’ve known plenty of women, in various affair circumstances, and many had morals. Humans are not as easily categorizable as you might need to think, in order to feel in control of all the uncertainty. However, humans are complex, often contradictory, ruled far more by subconscious programming, and attachment style (and attachment wounding, needs) than most people realize. I was an RN who worked with thousands of patients, am now working on a neuroscience degree, due to all the curiosity of human behavior, the self sabotage, and more. The more you can have curiosity, humility, and vulnerability, the more clear reality you can see…and you can heal more deeply, fully.

@amysutton6932 Ай бұрын

Same here.

@whitneybaxter3299 2 жыл бұрын

I guess I lucked out with one AP (there’s 5 altogether for me) but when I confronted her I did it gracefully and actually apologized for my husbands lies to her and to me and she emphatically apologized in fact I felt more remorse from her then I did my husband and it helped close the book on her in my mind.

@betterthanthem4754 2 жыл бұрын

I’m glad you got your healing love

@kellywade8275 2 ай бұрын

You are one classy that loves yourself. 💞👌🏾👏🏾🥇💐🙏🏾🙏🏾

@hannahberlinpetry450 3 жыл бұрын

What you’ve described isn’t really a difference between the sexes. Both affair partners that know the unfaithful is married are grooming both emotionally and sexually. Saying anything flattering is stroking their desire to be worshipped.

@katrinagarnett3256 8 ай бұрын

The “grooming” is so accurate.

@ldunlop2281 3 жыл бұрын

I had no choice but to give the AP real estate. My ex husband kept her in the background throughout our trying to recover. He texted her during our Affair Recovery bootcamp. He saw her during our EMS online. Hard for me to move forward or to heal when I was always finding out about new connections brought about by my now ex husband. I really tried to reconcile the marriage but I couldn't reconcile a third party always in the background. It broke me.

@phaedink12 3 жыл бұрын

The same happened to me. I wanted our marriage to work he promised not to contact her and that is what he kept doing and lying about it. Trying to stay connected to her family as he had built bonds with her children while our son was here at home with me. He just abandoned us but wanted us still there and to act like his other world did not exist.

@phaedink12 3 жыл бұрын

He is now the ex.

@laniec.f.2531 3 жыл бұрын

Bless you for the journey you've been through... And the courage to move forward. Continued healing.

@SummaGirl1347 3 жыл бұрын

Exactly. It's impossible to let go of the pain and stop gathering information on the OW when you know that she is still in the picture and that he is still lying about his relationship with her. When you know that the only way you will ever know the truth about your own life is by doing the digging yourself, it can be impossible to stop obsessing, or to move on.

@velvetbrown74 3 жыл бұрын

Agreed. They think they can rebuild the marriage and still eat their cake. Mine did the same until he knew I was leaving if he continued. I knew she was still in his head while I was trying to recover. When I found out why (he was still with her), he knew I was done. I had gotten so fed up that I was numb and didn't care if he stayed or went. That scared him and he dumped her cold turkey.

@emd5095 3 жыл бұрын

I absolutely HATE this process, 2.5 years out & I can't stand suffering anymore. Omg. I am so mad.

@CatBlack01 3 жыл бұрын

I know, it sucks. Try to work on feeling good about yourself, hun, and turning this awful experience around. One day you will accept what they did and realise it wasn't about you, they're just clumsy, flawed human beings.

@Gemmarose9012 3 жыл бұрын

Have you been to a therapist?

@terryandjenhill5609 2 жыл бұрын

Wow this was so triggering for me.. the AP was half his age, stroked his ego, spent 100s of hours on phone with him (truck driver) and 1000s of text messages in counseling realized how manipulative she was. She saw a built in daddy for her twins because he's an awesome dad, and provider for his family. Something she could not get for herself so went after my spouse, someone who listened to her and began to believe her. It was a horrible 1.5 years I watched happening and couldn't do anything to stop it. They both were so selfish. He enjoyed the feelings of her stroking his ego and even told him she would take better care of him than I had done for 30 yrs.

@tammyburkett7610 Жыл бұрын

Wow so sorry your going through this. Your story is the first one I heard that is similar to mine. Husband had emotional affair for over 5 years and is a truck driver she was a truck driver as well. Day was January 9th this year having such a hard time with this.

@hhf4312 2 ай бұрын

You know, the AP dumped my x after he left his 30 year old marriage with me . Karma! You watch karma coming around. He beg to come back and I said NO !

@carolhopkinson189 3 жыл бұрын

Very helpful, been searching for this explanation since my husband betrayed me🙏🏻

@corichang 3 жыл бұрын

"We have yet to see a truly confident person who cheats. People who have affairs are wounded people." Well said. Such wisdom. Thank you, sir 🙏 For myself, I believe if someone cheats on me, it's on them if I've done right by them and all I can for them. My conscience is clear and I'll be alright. Live and let live🙏

@leeballestrin5142 3 жыл бұрын

Thankyou Wayne for giving me a different way to think..my husband brought this woman I to our life and I feel she will always be there..but your talk has finally given me a chance to heal....I will listen to this often...Thankyou

@juozupaitis 3 жыл бұрын

As a BS, I needed to hear this. Thank you.

@Weeds_and_Wishes 3 жыл бұрын

I'm working on forgiving my husband. The OW does not deserve my forgiveness. Until I'm stronger and I have forgiven my husband whom I love, then I'll consider forgiveness or at least letting go of my hatred of her. Right now though, my focus is to infuse positivity, compassion and empathy into my new relationship with my husband. He is working a recovery program as well as am I. We are building a new marriage. God willing, my mind clears, my heart softens and my gut leads me. God willing he continues to prove he's worthy of my trust, so that I can trust him again. Thank you for your videos.

@user-zh6rw2xp2z 6 ай бұрын

I cannot forgive the other woman. I also still love my husband and cannot get over him betraying me. I trusted him 100% and thought we would be together forever. Our Family also suffer and the situation is still unbearable for us all even after 1 year.

@sarahwest4926 3 жыл бұрын

Wayne, as always, is amazing.

@rebeccabeltzner4543 3 жыл бұрын

What about character? Lack of character is real, and not addressed at all. Not everyone is sorry, some people are just self involved.

@AmandaMG6 2 жыл бұрын

Being “not sorry” is a defense. We are all trying to get very human needs met

@ricca7111 3 жыл бұрын

Yes! I am dealing with this right now. I have blocked all her numbers. But some how she gets a new number and starts watching my Facebook page. Or sends a text and deletes it. I am so sick of this! Sometimes I think she just wants my husband’s attention.

@mamabear8555 7 ай бұрын

The other woman and my husband are co workers and they formed a relationship complaining to eachother about their spouses.

@sharathnb 3 жыл бұрын

Wayne, I'm a betrayed male.. with the help of ur videos was able to fix our relationship. I just want to know if I come across colleagues, friends who r having an affair, would it be wise to walk to them and let them know the consequences. Would it even make a difference to them or would they even consider changing?

@ThisMovieIs2024s Ай бұрын

This was a fantastic video, thank you.

@rositahuff4858 11 ай бұрын

…I was cheated on…and I was the other woman…. …for a long time I am for the idea to contract’s of 5 years….I think it could safe a lot of grief!!!!!

@herblackwings666 Жыл бұрын

Not sure how or why I could ever view AP as a human. She literally laughed and called me names when I found out and confronted her. She told me to watch out or my husband will be taken from me.

@Bumbledora Жыл бұрын

I can't see my husband's AP anything but a monster and other names I cannot write her. Clearly, she was also a golddigger since my husband paid their outings and even a trip. What does that make her? Yeah... I know.

@prettyxbonez96 8 ай бұрын

I've been married and divorced six weeks postpartum. The cheating wasn't the icing on the cake but he needed to go. Yes, I spoke to the other women. I don't hold grudges and thank God my Mama was supportive. It's been 5 years no looking back. The other women is being abused and cheated on daily. I wish them both the best of luck 😂

@sonjai3600 10 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing

@Softsoul. Жыл бұрын

I am the other woman. I did not know that he was married and that makes it even harder because I fel in love with him. Now I’m hurt because she and the children are hurt. It’s not fair that I stil want him even though i know that this is not healthy. I know that our past relationship is done because he lied to me to. I did told him all of this. I feel ashamed for still holding to him

@Bumbledora Жыл бұрын

That's different. You didn't know he was married. I would not hold a grudge towards you, he lied to his wife and to you. Shame on him. Take care 🌹

@user-zh6rw2xp2z 6 ай бұрын

The other woman who destroyed my 36 year marriage DID know my husband was married. I know it takes two for betrayal but i thought women have a conscious.😢

@queentj25 3 жыл бұрын

Please talk about how you move on

@victoriagrow647 3 жыл бұрын

The affairs were with my two best friends, so unfortunately I know who they are :/ but I’m working on forgiveness for them. One day at a time!

@laniec.f.2531 3 жыл бұрын

Affairs, as in more than one... And with two of your friends? Shew, that's a lot of work for you. I feel your pain. I wish you the best.

@laurafantasiaart 3 жыл бұрын

I also try...and he's been doing nice thgs for the last month...but it doesn't make me feel anymore desirable when I know what compliments he was filling her head with. It's not just the affair partner that likes to here those thgs...its everyone! He told me he finds me attractive just not in the same way and couldn't give me any examples.

@lisalisa13green 3 жыл бұрын

Oh my... I am so sorry. I had a “best friend” do this with my boyfriend in high school and it was earth-shattering. And that was just a boyfriend and one friend. I am so sorry. I ended up dropping both, cutting them out of my life, because it was just too toxic. I wish you peace as you work through these betrayals. Remember that you are enough and deserve so much better than that from your spouse and friends. (hugs)

@emd5095 3 жыл бұрын

Ughhhh... same. My friend/neighbor, & we still live across the street. They don't talk to each other AT all & have legal documents keeping her away from me. 👹

@laniec.f.2531 3 жыл бұрын

I know how difficult it has been for me going through what I went through. I wish I could say that I couldn't imagine what it was like having a close person betray you with your significant other, but I can say it. It happened to me decades ago as well... with one of my siblings. I did walk away from the other man, but I still have the sister. Anyway, I understand where all of you are coming from, on more levels than I care to admit. Continued blessings and healing to all.

@vvele5257 3 жыл бұрын

Absolutely right .

@gretehallingdal2507 3 жыл бұрын

Almost two years after D-day, I got surprisingly triggered by this video. I guess it really touches on some truths. I really wish I could let go of the burning hate. I areslly recognize how damaging it is. 😔

@gretehallingdal2507 3 жыл бұрын

The AP was a colleague. Married, very unhappily. I really see the point of her getting enthralled in all the ways he was unlike her husband. But I just can't seem to get away from devastation they knowingly caused me.

@susanhutcherson4668 3 жыл бұрын

I understand exactly. It was a young woman I treated as a daughter with gifts and love. He still talks to her if she calls. Don’t know for sure. He keeps his phone private and doesn’t want to talk abt the affair. I’m 69 and been with him for 40 yrs. I’m so scared to be on my own. But I am still so hurt by them both. How could they knowingly do this to me?

@laurafantasiaart 3 жыл бұрын

As the betrayed...i spoke to the ow...I know all the thgs he told her...how he felt how he wanted her...she was beautiful, hot and sexy...yet he still can't find one nice thg to say about me...I feel so undesirable...cause he makes me feel that way. You should do a video about how the cheating spouse doesn't feel the same about their spouse but want to work it out without making excuses for them. Doesn't matter that they are wounded...they found it easy to come out of their mouth to the AP.

@velvetbrown74 3 жыл бұрын

My husband was that way too after the first so-called break-up. He hadn't really broken up with her though. All I heard about was her pretty face, big eyes, and beautiful hair blah blah blah. I wish I had had him tracked because it went on for another 15 months without me knowing. All I knew was that he still couldn't bring himself to say anything bad about her even though she had purposely tried to wreck our lives. That was because he was still connected to her. After that, I tracked his movements to be sure he wasn't seeing her anymore.

@EadsB7002 3 жыл бұрын

I would say really work on your confidence in yourself. I know it’s not always easy, esp in a case like this. But men want to be with a woman who is comfortable in her own skin and happy. I’ve heard several men (some who cheated) say this. Work on bettering yourself.... and he (or the person truly right for you one day) will take notice.

@karengallagher3608 3 жыл бұрын

I am going through this same thing finding out three days ago. I am devastated seeing things I’ve read and found out about how he feels about her and what they’ve done

@ednisep6554 2 жыл бұрын

Oh yeah I found messages of him saying how elegant he his, how much he wants to leave me and have no feelings for me. Oh that hurts. Now he said that was just talking

@dan-lansingmi9169 2 жыл бұрын

@@velvetbrown74 my wife was in 7 year affair. She said she did not love him but never could say bad thing about him. She eventually said he just her as a sex thing. Could I ever really trust her? No. Sorry for your pain. It never really does go away. Always reminders especially if you continue to live in same house, same city, etc

@robertmullen4521 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Wayne, Thanks for another great video. I didn't think this particular one would interest me, but I've watched it twice today, and I found some good helpful information. I might suggest a title change though. Maybe 'Who is the Other Woman or Man ?' Thanks for all you and your team do to help us.

@cjotz6599 3 жыл бұрын

My husband had an emotional affair with a lady from church that we had both counseled so I know who she is. In fact she told me when he ended it. Her husband is in jail.

@mamabear8555 7 ай бұрын

I have been wounded all my life. Never in a million years would i cheat. Its not in my heart to do so no matter what. So i will NEVER understand.

@franklinwill22 3 жыл бұрын

Recovery 5yrs still hard to hear.

@AmandaMG6 2 жыл бұрын

Other women are lonely, sad, ashamed, broken

@shavonnahenry1201 2 жыл бұрын

Not true.

@Bumbledora Жыл бұрын

Nope, I wish! Not in my case.

@katrinagarnett3256 8 ай бұрын

Facts

@zsvance 7 ай бұрын

💯

@justanobserver8283 6 ай бұрын

All that and still wrong!

@debrarivoire1499 Ай бұрын

When he has an affair with his EX wife after being in a marriage with me for almost 6 years??? I caught him cheating when I found nasty text messages…. He never gave me valid reasons to go back to her, but neither wanted a relationship with each other. She said she set him up to hurt me, but he participated. So I blame him more of course. Just can’t wrap my head around any of it.

@michellecook-hill431 3 жыл бұрын

She was my best friend. That was her label

@teishahall211988 3 жыл бұрын

*hugs*

@michaelroberts3898 3 жыл бұрын

I understand Michelle. The other man was my best friend, in title only obviously

@emd5095 3 жыл бұрын

Yes, me too, & lives across the street from me still ☹️😩🤢. 2.5 years later...

@jerseytransplantlyfe8005 3 жыл бұрын

Hello Wayne What do you do or how do you handle when the AP is contacting you the betrayed constantly?

@kerryames8784 2 жыл бұрын

Have you tried blocking them on your phone and social media?

@camato726 2 жыл бұрын

What does the AP want from you??

@Marie-tq9wx 3 жыл бұрын

It doesn't matter anymore...he is gone

@dariajohn2550 3 жыл бұрын

What if the guy didn't tell you he was married and you found out after being together?

@AmandaMG6 2 жыл бұрын

That’s the fact every. Single. Time.

@cynthiajolin2407 2 жыл бұрын

Exactly! My situation right now. And do you go a step further by letting the wife know about their affair?

@camato726 2 жыл бұрын

@@cynthiajolin2407 yes definitely

@sophgirl8377 2 жыл бұрын

Wow …this resonates with what I’m going through now …the built up anger for the AP is damaging me slowly ..I will certainly take on board what you have said and no doubt this will kick start my healing and working on my 23 year marriage

@jenniferstewart3062 2 жыл бұрын

My husband Af partner didn't know at first but she knows now and i even wrote her a letter. My husband ask to come back home I said yes . He wanted to work on marriage but here we are 7 weeks in and he is contacting her again and she won't tell him to leave her alone. She just tells him that she still loves him. Does anybody have advice?

@jimscott3593 7 ай бұрын

I don’t know. Maybe I’m odd. I have a internal fight going on. I still love my wife. That being said I just don’t see the effort on her part to fix what she destroyed. She just wants it to go away. When questioned about him all I get is I don’t knows, I don’t remember and it really wasn’t that good. Bs! The minimalization and forgetfulness is astonishing. Maybe someone can tell me how we are willing to allow two people intentionally set out to destroy you just walk away without doing anything about it. I’m supposed to just accept that it happened and free pass? Minimal consequences for you? I’m supposed to just believe you now? 7 months out and still the trickle crap. Nothing not even the affair itself disclosed unless forced to. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard you know everything now. To all you betrayers I’m going to give you a bit of advice. If you have someone that is going to try and work through it with what you have done to them. BE HONEST about everything upfront. EVERYTHING!!! Every time you come back with more the push and drive to work through it dwindles a little more. Stop making it seem it didn’t mean that much to you. You literally just stole your spouse’s history present and future, and then pretend it didn’t mean anything. Wow! If you continue to hold things back and lie, of course cause you’re trying to spare your spouse’s feelings. You’re not. And little by little you are continuing to destroy your spouse. Not to mention you’re continuing to show you can’t be trusted or believed. If you do that enough even when you are totally honest they won’t believe you. And you will destroy or at minimum drastically extend the time it will take to get through it. Sorry for the rant.

@annelisevonhaussen7121 Жыл бұрын

How do you forgive when you will never forget? That seems contradictory.

@awomansstory.2019 Жыл бұрын

I know. Almost 4 years past my D Day

@tryingtosurvive4386 Жыл бұрын

2 1/2 years since “D day” and I can’t do either. Not him, not them. I also can’t love anyone romantically anymore. It’s like a huge part of me has died, no, was murdered by him and his whores.

@Bumbledora Жыл бұрын

@@tryingtosurvive4386Something just died inside of my since my D-day. This year in April. I think it was joy. I'll never feel that again.

@crystalnelson1775 Жыл бұрын

It doesn't matter who the other woman is he can keep the other woman and whoever else you want I'm not fighting over no nonsense

@user-zh6rw2xp2z 6 ай бұрын

I was betrayed by my husband after 36 yrs of marriage. The other woman is 12 yrs younger and she knew he was in a long year marriage. Ofcourse it takes two but I thought women think different and have a conscious but she obviously didn’t think of what she was causing. I am still heartbroken and finding it hard to move on even after 1 year. Our whole family are still suffering with his/her behavior. This woman has had lots of men but no long relationships, never been married or has children. My husband is definitely in the midlife crisis and thinks the grass is greener on the other side.

@nadinelezama4495 Ай бұрын

We are all adults, actions have consequences. There really is no question : you cannot build your happiness on another's unhappiness.

@user-dm1xh6bz3i 27 күн бұрын

Affair partners still work with the husband because affairs happen at the workplace

@kerrymillar1267 10 ай бұрын

I don’t want to see them as human, I don’t want to think about them at all.

@DarkerSideOfDawn 10 ай бұрын

I believe my ex was a covert psychopath .. he was a serial cheat who felt intimidated

@leticiabarnes9614 3 жыл бұрын

What about when it is 26 years of porn? When is 7 years of paying coffee baristas to take their clothes off? How do you deal with thousands of affair partners?

@sorayaweatherby6373 2 жыл бұрын

How about when the other one is my own sister. He is in Love with my sister during all our marriage. And he won’t let go.

@SusieQ1971 2 жыл бұрын

Get rid of your husband he is beyond help and has am addiction. There will always be a 3rd party in your marriage, been through this with a sex addict. No matter how great our sex was he needed porn and unlimited women on social media to pursue and flirt with. He was always sorry then did it all over again. The only freedom was removing myself.

@prettyxbonez96 8 ай бұрын

@SusieQ1971 No, she won't leave she's far too gone and depends on him

@Elzinha88 2 жыл бұрын

Not always we have to forgive

@griseldaalvarez7088 5 ай бұрын

I cannot forgive any of them so divorce is in process.

@shaneydavy16 2 жыл бұрын

What if the other woman is your step sister

@stevemines6870 2 жыл бұрын

Tell you what I did maybe work for u. Take the pies they are fantastic. Drop all feelings for wife you will decover there are so many wonder women in this world looking for something ur. I repeat take pies drop wife