It's a defense mechanism. They don't know how to handle their own emotions so they can't handle yours.

You just described my mom and dad. I cry, I get shamed. I get angry, I get punished. I’m not allowed to have any emotions. Very, very unhealthy!

This is my dad. The day I was learning to ride a bike with no training wheels, I fell off, and grazed my knee. I was crying and I remember feeling that a hug from my dad would be enough to encourge me to try again. But he walked away, leaving me crying on the ground. When I was 19, I told my parents that a cousin tried to molest me when I was 7. My dad's reaction was to turn the tv on. I definitely struggle with feeling unloveable, and not good enough.

You just described my dismissive-avoidant mom. She thinks that my emotions are an attack on her because she has ignored hers for so many years (because she wasn't seen or listened to in childhood) when I have emotions it reminds her that she has emotions too and makes her uncomfortable so she shuts it down.

I learned that emotions are facts -they can't be denied, my ex wanted to deny them constantly.

My former friend used to say, when I was approaching for emotional support: "shame on you complaining about this when other people have nothing to eat " or something like this ...and this way I felt like I was shut down.

I dated someone who would become enraged that scary movies would...scare me. He would try to "train" me to be totally stoic while watching blatantly violence scenes (murder! dismemberment!). He'd also totally dismiss me as playing the "victim" when I would get overwhelmed by the challenges of living abroad with him -- diminishing my struggle to learn a new language and integrate into a different culture. In his mind, I was overly emotional and his objective was to coach me into being happy-go-lucky all the time like him. Eventually, I came to realize that he was completely emotionally stunted. He allowed himself to feel nothing except unadulterated happiness...and had zero tolerance for anyone else's more complex range of emotions. Au revoir!!!

You are such a gifted therapist ❤️

Before I actually knew that my friend was a narcissist, I confided in her one day that I had been doing a lot of grappling with the fact that I had realized that was mother was an emotionally-abusive narcissist. My friend then responded to me, “Do you just think about that all day long?” Naturally, I was taken aback by her rude response, but I just shoved it under the rug at the time. Several months later, she let her narcissistic mask slip and did a full-on devaluation. I went no contact immediately. 💪

My brother has this issue. One of his ex girlfriends found her mum dead when she was a young child. Behind her back, he said to me "She's in her 30 now. She should be over it" 😱 Wtf!

This is me. Currently in therapy to help fix it. Deep down I really care when people are hurting but it's like I have a hard time coming up with the right thing to say. I worry about saying the wrong thing and making it worse, and I get triggered and annoyed because as a kid I was the emotional support for my alcoholic narc dad, and a bunch of toxic family members. With all of them confiding their adult problems to me there was never much room for my emotions. If I was upset and tried to seek comfort I'd either get dismissed, guilted or yelled at for being upset. I ended up keeping alot of heavy stuff inside and handling alot of things on my own in private. I thank for posting this video to help explain this thing. Seeing your videos helps me put words to my inner experience to my therapist. Youre doing a great job.

This is literally my mom 💀 ive stopped trying to connect /talk to her years ago & yet she acts like IM the problem. Like it’s my fault that I don’t want to talk with her. Guilt tripping me & trying to make me feel like an awful person just bc I don’t want to be triggered & have my emotions dismissed & shot down.

Wow. Yes. My mum gets ANGRY when I try to connect with her. Then she stonewalls me with silence.

Omg can you imagine asking that person real-time, What is so dangerous for you about me opening up to you about my emotions right now? Just because you don’t think you can swim in the deep end, please don’t tell me not to go over to the deep end of the pool, even for a minute. I can swim!! I’ve been practicing for years!! In fact, please, watch me!! Watch me jump in and swim back to the shallow end and come out fine!! So strong! Some can’t do it, OK. Some can’t even bear to watch others do it in their presence. They can’t stand it - it’s an aversion. Why? Denial? Shame? Guilt? We will never know because they repress it all so hard. THAT is NOT “toughness.” That’s just gross and weird. Letting crap grow in your fridge and never cleaning it out is not “tough,” it’s sick and unhealthy. Getting in there and facing the gross stuff and keeping what’s good and throwing out what’s bad - THAT is TOUGH.

I know someone who feels threatened by emotions (great way of putting it). With them I feel it's not about perceived weakness. Their reaction feels like "Ugh, you're getting all emotional and I don't know how to deal with that and it's annoying that you're making me think about how to react and it's putting me under a lot of emotional stress myself, so could you please knock it off maybe?" It's highly frustrating, especially when you are in the habit of always thinking about other people's feelings and merely wanted for your own feelings to be acknowledged for a change.

I'm watching this over and over because it's hitting the mark. I was in a years-long relationship with someone exactly like this. It was so extreme that on the rare occasion I was sick, he would completely ignore me, and once when I fell down while hiking on a rocky shoreline, cut my leg, and cried in pain, he flew into a rage. Communication about anything other than rainbows and unicorns was off-limits. So exhausting and deflating. His aversion to self-reflection or therapy means no one will ever know WHY he is this way.

"The last thing they want to do is be available for your emotions." Yes, that describes my Narc parents pretty well.

This will always stand out to me. A senior in my school that was older than me, I was only in eighth grade, killed himself as a protest to the Vietnam war. He was really popular in school and when I came home from school, I said, “it is really sad about Paul.” As usual, my mother did not even look me in the eye when I spoke, or even look my direction. All she did was snarl, “Well, he was just a kid.” Like his life was worth nothing. I can think of so many examples of that type of detached behavior from my mother. Many years after Paul died, I saw the study in a textbook about the Rhesus monkey clinging to the wire figure, clinging to it as its mother figure, I immediately wept. I understood all too well

Well described! I have met way too many emotionally stunted people in my life when I have tried to find emotional support or validation.

How odd. I’m actually both of these people. I like to open up emotionally, and can be there for people, but I can also have a “suck it up” mentality sometimes, with others and myself. I came from a family with an extremely narcissistic father and a mother who couldn’t handle emotions. I’m so glad I’ve found your videos. I think they’re going to help me a lot.

I feel like you describe me. I am at a point where I am aware of the issue and working on it (through accepting-and connecting with-my own strong emotions, and learning to accept and "forgive" them in others, instead of systematically shutting them off), but it's very challenging. So much bubbles up in the heat of the moment, it's not thoughts, just the raw energy of emotion, so it's really hard to keep my head in the moment and deal with the hurt feelings, instead of trying to take a pseudo-"rational" distance (i.e. cutting out the emotional reality, paring down to the bare, senseless facts) to avoid getting over-triggered myself. I grew up in a rather emotionally stunted family. Though there was affection, the expression of it was often misguided. My parents largely left me to my own devices, the same way they had been emotionally abandoned, and either explained away my hurts with "rational" (and often off-the-mark) advice, or just told me to toughen up and ignore the hurt entirely (yeah, this "coaching" thing of "just be like me"). I guess their intent was to prepare me for a world of toughness, but instead they eventually made me scared and avoidant of everything. Incidentally, because I was raised to behave calm and grown-up, they'd sometimes dump on me or blow up, and my only option was to take it. If I fought back, if I tried to preserve my peace or even share my point of view, I'd be called a bad daughter, I'd be shamed for not letting them use me as a punching bag or a therapist. I have trouble being truly vulnerable because I associate it with bad stuff (shame, bullying, abandonment), not welcome and support. (I can't help crying even in front of others, I tear up embarrassingly easily; but I avoid actually talking and explaining myself, I just shut down, avoid, and disappear) More recently I started trying to be more assertive, but typically this emotional work takes a pendulum-like motion: in order to compensate for all previous frustrations, one goes overboard in the other direction. So in a situation of conflict I'm not just assertive, I effectually refuse to face somebody else's experience (translated in their emotions, body language, etc). I just want peace, I want emotions kept at the bare minimum to troubleshoot factual issues. I don't have the confidence that I'll be able to stand my ground if their tempest starts blowing my way. In my case I see it as a necessary step for learning to listen to myself, validate myself, and eventually grow more rooted in me. I certainly hope to reach a point of maturity where someone else's turmoil doesn't have to feel threatening, where I can sympathize with someone without feeling sucked dry, where conflict isn't so scary anymore, to have cleared a sort of "eye of the storm" in my soul. Where I can stand firm in my own circle of responsibility, being open and sensitive, without letting anyone intrude; and reaching out to support, without overextending myself. But I am aware (because of the example of my parents, among others) that many people stay stuck at this defensive stage, and that they can only budge of their own accord, in their own time-if ever. I only hope to break the cycle, and exemplify this betterment to the people that come in contact with me.

It sounds like you're talking about dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment styles. Ime, a family of origin with a shallow emotional life is right on target. Upsetting things are never talked about and are ignored at home. Often, these people use unhealthy coping mechanisms to avoid facing emotions or being too intimately involved with others, like alcohol or workaholism.

Another scenario: being laughed at when you're in tears from your siblings teasing and the only response from your parents is to tell you that "its just teasing" or "just ignore them". Its better to bury the hurt...

Unfortunately, this is my mother. She’s in her 70’s, so no hope for healing/changing. I’m glad I’m on my healing journey, though.

This is my mum.. She has always responded exactly like this. She had a strange and traumatic childhood and, as she said, she's put a lid on it. Of course, she hasn't. Those emotions spill out all the same. This was very helpful.

Such a good video. Oh my WORD!!!! It has sparked so many thoughts. “What is so dangerous for this person about your emotions?” It’s a tough dance when you already feel like you are are “too much” and then encounter someone who has their own trauma and they invalidate you by well-meaning, (often) unintentionally malicious words like, “Oh it’s not that bad” ... maybe to make THEMSELVES feel better? Or that if they acknowledge your emotions, you may unravel and then what do we do? Part of my healing has been observing my kids. I go through endless BandAids and tubes of arnica cream, acknowledging their owies because most of them are a cry from the heart, not an invisible scratch on the knee. I SEE YOU. I CAN SEE THIS IS HARD. HOW. CAN I HELP? They are regulated within minutes. “Oh it’s not that bad.” “Boys don’t cry” “You are crying for nothing” “Pull yourself together.” It actually makes the crying and emotions escalate. We have come a long with with navigating the mystery and wonder of human emotions. What a relief! There is hope! Thank you for channels like these!

A healthy parent should be available mentally and emotionally to their own children. They should be able to connect to their kids and at least tell them they love them at least one time or hug them or touch them show they even care. Nope. Anything less is extremely hurtful and damaging for a lifetime.

I have lived with a mother and siblings who refused to acknowledge my traumatic injury as a 12 year old. I was unable to acknowledge what happened to me because I would be rejected and made fun of. Once, I mentioned to my mother this event's anniversary and she made fun of me and dismissed me entirely. I decided to acknowledge my MOTHER's terror that day and how horrible that day was for her and she immediately said, "Yes," and then proceeded to talk about how horrible that day was for HER. In this way I was able to get my own trauma recognized. Also, when my own children were little and I was leaving my children with my mother to watch, I asked her to move her car out of her yard so the children could play safely and my mother dismissed me and refused and understood it was about my own injury and invalidated me. I then said that I would take my children back home and took my children and then my mother backed off and moved the car. My mother has had a huge emotional block to acknowledge and sympathize and comfort my real trauma which forced me to grow up reliving my trauma over and over and over. I did get diagnosed with PTSD at 50! I did have 5 years of outpatient psychiatric care that helped me. I can see how my mom refused to acknowledge my strong emotions and needs and connect this to my grandfather, her father, with such powerful emotions, and how my mother came to cope with her own father. None of my siblings were ever able to have empathy for my injury but I don't need them to anymore. I empathize with my own reality.

In my experience, they were allowed to express any and every emotion, mostly highly negative (usually anger), and carry out the worst of it upon me, conveniently forgetting that they did this in the first place, but yet I was not allowed to express even one and was even conditioned to be un-emotional. What is that? Whatever it was, it was severely damaging to my emotional connection with and emotional understanding of myself (i.e. a complete disconnect with my emotions) and it will take countless years to recover fully from it all, at least according to my therapist.

Boy, does this sound like my mother! She had to be “strong,” whatever that meant. She couldn’t handle my so-called negative emotions, especially when I was angry.

My mom did this weird thing of pretending she couldn't hear me whenever I brought up touchy subjects. Like that one time I was walking with her on a quiet stretch of field path. I specifically went on that walk with her to tell her about my problems at school, not having any friends and constantly being bullied, I had to gather all my courage to open up to her, but I did. Her response was "That house down the road looks pretty interesting". Then I got mad at her for not listening, and then she got mad at me for getting mad at her. I still love her, and I don't think it was abusive behaviour, but it still made me shut down. To this day I have a hard time sharing my feelings with anyone because a voice in my head keeps telling me that my emotions are not valid, or not important enough.

And they say things like “stop being so sensitive”, oh yeah… that’s a favorite line. You just described my sister. In my family (my husband, and with my kids) I refuse to allow the cycle of toxicity to continue. My husband and I left our toxic families and moved to Japan. We are healing together and being more than just our traumas for our children. It’s shocking how much abuse he went through, and how much I endured. Neither of us wanted any of that toxic nonsense to be around us (or our children)while we healed or get in the way of how we raised our children in a healthy, loving environment. Thanks for these videos.

This was like an epiphany about a family member that gets angry about me being emotional and wants me to toughen up. They litterly told me that validation is for babies. They won't even hug me.

This is spot on. I have been on my own emotionally in my marriage. My husband will do anything to avoid connecting to emotion. And, yes, he is a narcissist. Connecting to me in any real way emotionally means he would have to connect to himself in a real way, and that is impossible. He will do anything to avoid his flaws and to acknowledge that I am equal to him means that he would have to look at himself.

You just painted a picture of my mom. It’s been a rough ride and I’m almost 60. You just put a “why” puzzle piece in place that I have been searching for so long I can’t believe I didn’t see it. The what in the hell happened in her childhood that makes her like this. When you laid this out... it was SO obvious. When you have been searching for something for almost 60 years 🙄. Thank you. ❤️

You are correct! I was a single mom and my daughter worried about me when I cried about money, loneliness and longing for adult connection. I didn’t go into detail with her, yet, I cried and she wiped my tears once with a tissue. Now, she is just as you are explaining, emotionally distant. She is 38 yrs old now and I’m working on my issues to take care of myself so she feels no need to take care of me on any emotional level. Showing her by example that healing is possible. I am thriving now and setting boundaries with others like never before. Looking at my stuff, apologizing to her as well. Update: It’s been almost 3 years since I posted the above post. My daughter invited me to Disneyland with her and my 2 grandchildren. We have healed our relationship and we now have deep conversations where I listen to her. I don’t give her advice, instead I reassure her that she is strong and that no matter what, I believe in her. I love the relationship she and I have healed together.

Dismissive avoidant attachment style. Cold callous. Counterphobic defenses Against fears of abandonment. There is no timeline for dealing with things. Why are they averse to feelings are they dismissive of you. Its really their problem.

My brother is definitely narcissist without a doubt and I really connected with this, it’s weird though he will cry over anything and express his emotions just fine, but like you said can’t handle others emotions. I’ve also noticed I can’t even ask him basic questions, such as asking him about his interests without him becoming extremely defensive, like I have nefarious reasons, or never will directly answer me, such as oh what are you working on and his response is very negative “nothing, why”?!?! In a very aggressive way. It’s debilitating, I can’t have a normal conversation at all.

Wow! Really hit the spot. Finally an explanation for hitting the wall in my relationship for so many years. Thank you

YES. My mom has too much empathy to be a narcissist? (Seemingly random empathy, usually for ppl who are unlikely to being their emotions to/at her) but she has very very low empathy for ME in particular (I was low-key scapegoated in my family). I have a hard time describing it, but this hit the nail of the head. My trouble really arises at this point (I've been NC with her for 4-5 years now), bc I struggle with being this way myself. I work very hard at it though, and with recognizing that other people's emotions aren't a threat to me and I can engage them and my own empathy without being afraid. I'm much better at it now, although I do struggle with the person closest to me (my husband). I always suspected this was a form of self protection bc my mother was abused as well. Thank you for this insight, I've never heard anyone else talk about this, only NPD in specific, and that just doesn't quite fit my experience. 💜

I came here trying to figure out more about one of my parents and turned out you ended up describing me lol.

Absolutely what I was looking for. I ended a 7 year relationship with a man brought up in a household where emotions were hidden, stepped away from, as a child his mother didn't allow him to feel any "weakness" she said "be as tough as ten tigers" thus invalidating a child's need to feel. As you said, this is a very difficult person to be in a relationship with and ultimately I want someone who can go deeper with me and connect on a real level. Thank you Patrick for this super helpful video.

My parents came from abuse. My dad, neglect and my mother's father was a violent alcoholic. I always was treated like i was "bad" because i was emotional and a natural empath. It was always "we went through worse why are you like this!" I'm glad I stuck to my gut and never shyed away from my emotions. Thanks for the clarity!

Wow, this was very validating for me. Many times I was made to feel like I wasn’t being “strong enough,” or I was shamed for “dwelling” on something that happened “months ago.” And I thought I needed to be less “sensitive.” I could feel that he wasn’t open to deeper emotional connection and I kept running up against a barrier and trying to get him to talk about it, which of course he didn’t want to do. I convinced myself I just needed to earn his trust and kept trying and getting hurt. It’s helpful to consider he was having his own trauma response. Thank you Patrick for the content and for helping me become more self aware and empowered in my relationships.

Thank you for this video. There was much I recognize from my father and my brother. "Anti-emotional" describes them. I have often described my father as a wall, with no door. I have repeatedly asked after my father's youth. I have never heard anything about it. Same with my mother by the way, though she is different - much more emotional, but also more (or more visibly?) insecure, and just as hard trying to suppress her emotions. But less successful. The example of "That was so many years ago ..." - yes, I have heard that one in many different ways. It makes me feel shut down, not seen. Two ideas I really appreciate: 1.) That they see me as weak. Because I often had that feeling, but no one would ever say it out loud. But I felt it so often. 2.) That they get triggered, that their trauma gets triggered, by me talking about emotions.

My father was violent, bullying and shaming if I dìsplayed any emotions. Crying earned a hard slap. Anger made him even worse. By the time I was 18, I was totally numb. I could have witnessed a murder with no reaction. It has taken years for me to "have feelings".

This is truly helpful. I work with someone who is a friend. I have lost both my parents in the last eight months and have gone through PTSD. My friend / co-worker gave me a book on how to be victorious. I cried all the way home that day. Angry cried. Hurtful cried. Then it finally dawned on me: they needed me to suck up the grieving process and move on. Get on with life already. She begrudged my process. I then added her rejection or lack of support to my grieving process. This video has truly given me insight. Thank you.

You’re describing the British and the descendants of its empire 😆 lol Thank you for this niche video. I just found your channel and I’m already a big fan of your work. Your insights are new to the collective consciousness and seriously long awaited too. ❤️

Excellent. I haven't seen this aspect covered anywhere else I've looked. Or not in these terms anyway. It has come at a pivotal point for me. Both my mother and my mother in law are covertly/overtly aggressive and controlling. I have CPTSD but am working hard to live my best life. Some of my siblings , and my husband, seem incapable of being supportive emotionally. Go on the attack almost if I try to discuss things . But I'm meant to be there for them. It's been so confusing. I working on the remnants of codependency . I DO know that they are probably like they are because of their own upbringing. But damn it's hurtful, and lonely, and invalidating. I really need to let go of my resentfulness . Get on with my own life and find emotional connections elsewhere. Friends etc. I'd already arranged to talk to my son today about this, amazingly. Timing ! It's just so sad that in my eyes there'll never be the chance to have a proper connection. To move on I need to re-erect the same psychological barriers I put up to cope with trauma in the first place. Even in my marriage. Bummer

This helped me so much. This is exactly my experience with my ex-boyfriend. He would get freaked out even when I laughed too hard. I wanted to help him work through his family stuff but he did NOT want to go there! It's so tragic. He's stuck there.

Thank you, very validating!! I grew up with a family that was very tough and invalidating... attempts at understanding dismissed, mocked. And yeah they had scores of trauma. My therapist says a few were borderline and then diagnosed me same, but thankfully with time and working on addiction issues, I have learned to "quit caring" in the healthy way and attempt to life for me, for once. You cannot get through to that extreme, and they demean you for trying. Thank you much for the good description!!

This definitely happens between me and my friend. He has no problems venting to me. But as soon as I need to vent, he shuts down and tells me I need therapy (which I'm already seeking) or he downplays my challenges by saying, "Everyone deals with depression and anxiety once in a while. You're not the only one. It'll get better" Often times his responses make me feel very guilty for complaining and needing his support. Now I'm careful not to talk to him anymore. This ultimately makes me afraid to trust anyone. Yes I can talk to my therapist but is it really a crime to need a friend too? Anyway, this video cleared the air and it definitely affirms that I'm right in not wanting to talk to him anymore.

You just described my ex to a T. He always perceived my emotions as weak, and me crying as embarrassing. He had no interest in therapy, despite having a VERY traumatic childhood, and was emotionally unavailable.

Everyone I grew up with was like this! Mad when displaying my emotions- yes. They act like I was the crazy out of control person, or too needy. Older sister tries to portray having her life perfect and together, but has major OCD and anger fits last time I spoke to her about two years ago. She cut me out of her life because I was truthful to her. Issues will always come back though. Glad to know it’s not my fault.

My daughter turned out like this. I was an abuse survivor and I married someone who was dismissive/avoidant towards me almost from the beginning. I had been taught to repress my emotions so I'm going through this marriage with no emotional support and a belief that I should just "man up". Somehow my daughter also became dismissive/avoidant and now we struggle to connect. I've been in therapy for 2 years now, but I'm at a loss with her, she actually triggers me because she often treats me the same as my ex did, and I'm still not recovered from a lifetime of abuse/neglect.

This is absolutely wonderful. I've been stuck in this Dynamic for 32 years. I'm tired. I have a lot of issues I've had to work through over the years but now I know it's not all me. I just feel like someone who is like this is a no-win situation until they get help, which is very unlikely. The superiority they feel blocks any help they might receive. Thank you for creating these videos. I wish there were mental health professionals readily available with this level of understanding. Unfortunately what you often times get instead of a psychologist with deep understanding is a friend you can vent to. That will get you a little relief, but never get to the root of the issue and be forever stuck in Dysfunctional orbit.

My partner only likes emotions focused on him, ones of admiration or approval. Other than that I am to keep it to myself or be completely invalidated.

I am learning that it is not fair sometimes to try and get blood from a stone, so to speak, This video makes things even clearer. It is like you are talking directly to me!

You are keeping me going while I wait to get into therapy. You and another family member of mine that has been in therapy for years! I’m in a very toxic environment right now splitting a house with extended family. So much so that I may need to call for help from authorities or children’s services which I ABSOLUTELY don’t want to do. These videos really help me to continue confirming that my own emotions reactions are my own and the only thing I really can control in my life. I also recognize how my childhood has affected me in such a huge way. I aim to be the better and healthier parent for my own kids so they never have to experience the hurts that I have. The state made me a legal adult at age 16 so I really want better for my own kids that I love with my entire being of course. Thank you for all the great and revealing material you post. I appreciate it so much.

This is how I am and I’m fine with it to be honest…Your theory is absolutely correct about having someone overly emotional who relied on the child for emotional support! I’m okay if a friend has a problem once but I have zero tolerance for miserable people who keep the same patterns! Try to live with someone that says they are THE victim for 30 years and they never do anything to better their life (no therapy, no change in themselves, not leaving abusive partners, etc) and constantly repeat their negative cycle and want you and everyone they know to feel bad for them and fix their life! I would love to have discussions with you about the details that goes into this I think the reaction is not towards everyone, it is for specific people.

They seem to make a B-line for touchy feely types though 🤷🏻‍♀️

I found your channel recently and am loving your videos. Thank you for the way you are putting all this together. I was raised in a family that was avoidant of feelings. I used to have big feelings but was taught and medicated to repress them. Trying to raise my children differently to how I was raised has been very healing for me. I have 3 kids 4 and under, and I have to hold space for their big feelings every day. Just the other day I was having a hard time and holding back tears, and my 4yo son hugged me and said "it's OK to cry."

Well shit, this is me. I always wondered why I can't deal with people crying or getting super in their feelings in front of me. And I think this is it. I'm fine with people talking about their emotion, I just don't want to see them. Yeah.....I got some issues.

Thank you for your perspective. It really helps me understand what is happening between my sister and I when I try to get emotional support from her. This gives me a better understanding of where she is coming from.

Thank you for putting this in perspective. I’ve been in relationships with such people all my life and it’s caused me a lot of shame about my own extreme emotionality. I never once paused to consider that hey, maybe it’s not me who is too emotional but they who are emotionally stunted, mostly because I internalized their “you should be like me” superior attitude.

I relate with this so much. My ex left me twice in my life. The last time I told him about how I have abandonment issues because of my step-dad coming in and out of the picture til I was 8 or 9. I think a couple days later he broke up with me over the phone. Its like every time I tried to connect with him emotionally I'd get shut down or critisized and eventually he ran.

Pretty sure my mom has this big time. I'm very emotional and she's opposite and cannot tolerate my honest expression of emotion. She gets so defensive and dismisses my feelings as if they are flippant. If she just validated my feelings I wouldn't be so assertive about expressing my emotions now. I'm outright defiant like a teenager because I will not tolerate the constant dismissal of my needs and emotions to appease her need to avoid reality.

Being belittling of others isn't strong. There's actually a lot of self pity present if you look at ithem closely.

This is my dad for sure. He also has Saturn in Leo, which can be interpreted as "restrictions in the heart energy". Actually, my grandma had a bit of this too. Don't ask, don't tell was really heavy on those generations. Suffering in silence is the English way. They scolded me when I cried at a funeral once.

I've been listening to these videos thinking about myself in relation to either my mom (father deceased) or those I have patterns with. My neighbour is an incredibly tough, "macho" alpha female. I have always been more submissive, fearful and at times, shy. I have been "pushing back" against this neighbour and she will not even speak to me. Yes, from what I've observed about her is that she puts on a "happy face," doesn't appear to have empathy, puts on a "I've got my sh**t together" face when she feels threatened. One day I stood in my kitchen, and proceeded to do my vocal exercises (always during reasonable daylight hours, I must add.) The next thing I heard was her doing a very loud, "drama mama" workout, clapping, hooping and hollaring for effect. Luckily, I'd finished and went out shopping. I chuckled because she didn't have an audience! Yes, I have had the thought that she is a narcissist, but true, perhaps she has had emotional trauma in her past. I have no idea. Weakness is not something you would ever see in this person. I am so glad that I am finally moving away because it has clearly been a toxic environment for me, as a musician who has been trying to express myself, yet dealing with this neighbour who has used various tactics as leverage against me for doing something that she doesn't like.

This is 100% spot on. My father in particular is exactly this way. His mother had brain damage from a car wreck, and it caused her to have very little control of her emotions. On top of that, she was an alcoholic, which made things worse. My father at least had the self-awareness to tell me that he views people who are very emotional as weak and more or less defective, and growing up he decided he wanted to be the polar opposite of his mother, due to her emotional volatility and the resulting abuse. As you can imagine he very rarely expresses emotion, and condemns any expression of "negative" emotion. He also has an explosive temper and has lost control a number of times throughout my life, sometimes over seemingly small things. As you can imagine, if I express so much as an inkling of introspection or emotion, he tells me to stop victimizing myself and to get my shit together, because that's what he did. It definitely contributed a lot to the shame that I still deal with on a daily basis. On the other hand, I've found myself behaving this way more than I would like to admit due to my own personal experiences and trauma. Long story short, I was involved in a handful of abusive relationships with highly toxic and highly emotional people, and at least three of them would regularly hold me hostage with threats of self-harm or suicide if I didn't give them what they wanted. They were controlling and manipulative, and I resented them for their inability to rely upon themselves and the way they thrust their emotional issues on me and even went so far as to use them to threaten me. One friend actually DID attempt suicide because I took a break from talking to him for a day, given the nature of our relationship was toxic and controlling and just generally suffocating, and I've had a couple of other friends self-harm and explicitly blame it on me, or tell me that they wanted to kill themselves because of me, and the reason was always more or less because I didn't talk to them enough ("enough" being 24/7), or because I wasn't helping them resolve their emotional baggage (despite my best attempts to do so, they downplayed my efforts and continually claimed I didn't really care about them despite how much time I would spend every day trying to calm them down and help). My mother has also historically always relied upon me to support her through her unhealthy relationship with my father, and her depression, and eventually I grew to sort of resent her for it, too, because I realized none of it was ever reciprocal, and I always, ALWAYS dealt with everything alone. I was scolded for crying or throwing "tantrums" and often outright mocked and laughed at for my emotional outbursts as a child, so I learned better than to rely on others and resorted to only relying on myself. I'm aware this is unhealthy, and I am actively trying to unlearn this behavior, but it's definitely not easy. I still feel resentment toward people when they express their wants/needs to me with regard to our relationship/friendship, because regardless of what they're asking, I still feel like I'm being held hostage by someone who doesn't really care about me and only values their own feelings and needs, even if that isn't at all the case. I default to feeling like a cornered animal and react with a lot of hostility. On the other hand, I am still emotionally vulnerable with the people I love (and trust). I hope one day I can reach a point where people expressing their feelings with regard to our relationship doesn't set me off so badly.

This is exactly what I found my psychopathic/narc ex-husband doing to me. His mother was overreactive and a drama queen. He never believed me when I needed to be comforted, i.e. death of family... I had to suffer alone!

I'm working on emotional triggers and thought my older sister was/is a narcissist. I'm thinking now, that she is dealing with childhood trauma as well. Thank you so much for the work you do.

Whenever I am sad or if I cry, back when I was a child or even now at 31, my mother starts to laugh really loud at me in a mocking way. It makes her laugh... and if I continue to cry she gets angry. Happened a couple of days ago as I was worrying with my cat being sick and nervously cried for a bit. Same pattern every damn time. I'm convinced that she is hurt to see me in pain, but that's her defense mechanism, she can't help herself (she is narcissistic). This video really helped me, so do the others, so thank you!! Keep up the good work 👍

I'm reading "Permission to Feel" right now. About recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing and regulating emotions.

Nice video :) Two things: When does a trauma survivor become a narcissist? I see the same thing in people with good parents and a loving childhood. They get really angry talking about childhood trauma and abuse. They say things like how your parents loved you, they only wanted the best for you. They are your parents, You have to forgive them. I have my theories as to why that is... maybe they don't want to deal with childhood trauma or maybe they would learn something about their own childhood that they don't want to learn.

You are a very kind therapist! Great explanations. I think you have helped heal many people. Thank you for that❤ I got some healing from my therapist, too. You explain things so much better, though. You are needed in this world!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! My emotional fear people are prominent in my family. The phrase I cringe at is, "That was xyz years ago!" Time is first, not linear. Second, the first time you want to talk about something happened can be 5 minutes it happened or 25 years after it happened.....if it was never discussed, it is new & fresh & in need of discussion to get past it. All of your points are 100% needed out there in public more. I recently met someone who had such an aversion to emotions and said their mom made them rational & never to bring emotions into a disagreement. Plus, men today are told to show now feelings, except anger....sometimes that is 'allowed'. Another bad thing is when someone hurts you but with no emotion....essentially mixing form & function. For example, a family member firing another family member: it is just the businesses needs. While smiling, they say, "I know you agree the business needs come first, yes?" I love your questions. How can you test your theories?

Oh my goodness thank you so much! Explains what I want through with 12 step sponsor who was a self proclaimed “healed spiritual empath” who pushed toxic positivity. I told her some real serious things and was crying over my severe childhood trauma and she said “ya know everyone has things from their childhood”. There was a big push for forgiveness my abusive and not sorry parents. She also would say “she did the best she could” after I told her some things that many would call the worse type of things they could imagine, not some small thing. I can’t understand how the best they could do was horrific and extremely damaging.

Thanks for this. I have noticed some people will be put off when I’m trying to cheer them up. I grew up crying and laughing with friends through our trauma, so this is how my own group, a family that I found, dealt with our pains as teenagers living on our own. While I have cried so many tears with those I know and in support groups, I have healed and then as I stand to try to help those in the depths where I had been, some will feel attacked when I’m trying to bring in some Joy to their lives. To reach out with genuine care, to be then seen as a person who isn’t available for their emotions to be heard, hurt for a second, until I realized that perhaps they had those around them that told them to wrap up their feelings by telling jokes too.. It’s great to understand those who have been hurt by those who don’t want to both cry and laugh with them; and then that can get projected on me, even though I’ll sit and cry and laugh with them through their pain, because I love them. So, I’ve learned to let the person triggered in the trauma lead the conversation more. Thanks for this. ✨❤️‍🩹✨

This is simply mind-blowing!!! I know a person in my close circle suffering from an Anxiety Disorder who has this profile! I LOVED this video! It all makes sense now! So liberating; million thanks! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

" Zero tolerance for weakness" Yes this was me. I've tried hard to change. Thank you for putting this into words- I've never seen it anywhere else.

I grew up being shamed for showing emotions, but my parents were very emotional. I got in a really bad relationship after I was in counseling for a while where my parter was like the person described in the video. One of the last times we hung out together he was really upset, and I started crying and he got mad at me because he thought I was only crying to manipulate him. From counseling and introspection, I know that my emotions are valid. I’m still learning how to deal with people who get triggered by me for how I am. I tend to kinda blow up if people act like my parents. Like, if I say, “oh, I messed up on something.” And they laugh at me or act superior because they didn’t mess up on it, i tend to yell back that my emotions are valid and everyone makes mistakes. So, like, I’m trying to heal, they get triggered because they don’t think their emotions are valid/see it has a character flaw, etc, I get triggered because I’m tired of my needs and emotions not mattering to people. Yikes. Working on that. Gee, it’s a journey.

You just described my mom, I'm starting to learn that she's always going to be like this, and that the best course of action is staying away

Perfect analysis. Found myself in the crosshairs of a narcissist professionally, and close friends reacted just like this. It was brutal and bruising during a highly vulnerable time.

"what is so dangerous for this person about your emotions?", Wow, thank you for this statement! It really resonated with me and is a profound way of searching to understand and recognize this behavior. I will mill this statement around in my head as it sticks with me, I feel that it will be very helpful to remember. Tha k you so much for this insightful video, it has been truly enlightening.

This is definitely my Mom. She’s also an alcoholic/addict which I’ve always felt explains a lot of that - she doesn’t WANT to feel anything because she has NO idea how to process her emotions. And that trickles over to not wanting ANYTHING to do with anyone else’s emotions either! She grew up with a verbally abusive grandma (that lived with them), her father was a decent man but a lifelong Marine and had VERY strict ideas of how people should and [mostly] should NOT express emotions & a lot of toxic masculinity stuff. And her own mother was quick to be a victim in all situations (HER own mother died by suicide so there’s a KONG history of dysfunction, mental illness, etc - I REALLY wish people who are mentally ill or unhealed would STOP being selfish and having kids; they only end up continuing the familial patterns and damaging another generation). Anyway- My Mom HATED her for that even though at the time I was too young to understand why she got so angry at her Mom anytime she complained or had a problem she tried expressing. It ALL makes sense now. So now MY Mom is the same way... ALWAYS needs to be the victim, can’t process and isn’t interested in emotions of any kind - even happiness. She also displays many covert narcissism qualities and Borderline so I’m not sure what’s wrong with her; I’m focused on myself these days but it is interesting to try to put the puzzle together and go back into her childhood and the generations before. She’s a highly manipulative person also; maybe that goes with the Borderline/ Narcissistic stuff, who knows?! Im 42 and just in the past year + have I been able to completely break the trauma bond, FINALLY (I actually didn’t even know I was locked into one until I got SO tired of crying and being upset and confused by my Mom that I sought therapy and have worked my butt off to heal and break the bond). It’s a process, obviously, but I’m so grateful for the advancements in psychotherapy to help us all heal from such incredibly toxic relationships. For anyone who feels as hopeless as I did for DECADES as if I was “crazy” (she told me that & all kinds of other stuff which others reading this can probably identify with) and damaged, etc... YOU CAN BREAK THAT BOND & be happy and functional! It takes work and some tears but if I can come through the HELL I was engaged in on a daily basis, unable to even support myself because I was so convinced I was “mentally defective” (another term she used) etc, anyone can! Find the right therapist, put the work in and YOU WILL HEAL!! 💛 Please don’t give up on yourself! Trauma is SO much more serious than many people understand & you can’t do it without professional help. I just found your channel tonight and it’s great so far. Thank you so much! I especially like the “Role playing!” I follow several other channels that are very helpful/informative but none have done a role playing session before and for me, that was a great avenue to help me witness ourselves kind of from a 3rd person or “outsider” perspective- if that makes any sense. So thank you for the work you do and your dedication to helping people!! 👏👍💪

I would love it if you did a roleplay of their hypersensitivity and Ticking time bomb mentality. They can do a 180 when asked a simple question that other people would normally not get angry at. If you could show an example of narcissistic rage over the smallest things like a simple question that you ask someone. When they are in full-blown rage I have noticed that it is over the tiniest things. And then they turn around and say to the other person that they are making things complicated, which to me is the complete opposite. Let's say they ask you why a basket of laundry is sitting there even though you put it there so you could cook dinner. Instead of leaving it at that, it turns into a full-blown " you always do this, you never do this, I'm leaving you!" That was just an example that I came up with, but I hope I make sense. One of their favorites is to say 2 the other person is that they are making a big deal when actually they are taking one small situation, such as the laundry example I stated above, and then they start counting beans for all the times you didn't do XYZ right. What they hate the most is when an educated empath has been figured out. They are actually very simple to read. Hear me out oh, anyone that reads this. A part of me feels bad for narcissists. Some people would ask why but here's my answer. The part of me that feels sorry for them is when they were very young children, I'm talkin 5 6 7 years old. That is the part of them that I feel bad because something went terribly wrong in the most important years of their development. I truly feel sorry for the child inside of them come back when they were very young. I am not saying I feel sorry for who they are now. I have a 6 and a three-year-old and sometimes I just look at them and think that all over the world there are children this age right now in 2020 that are going to grow up to be a narcissist. It is very sad and I feel sorry for all the children going through a messed-up childhood and emotional neglect or bad role models on how to treat others. I hope I make sense.

I remember in high school, someone hit me in my nose with a basketball. The pain was terrible I started crying. Not bawling just tears. The person who hit me became angry saying "oh look at you! It wasn't that bad!" My nose was broken. I am much older now but this video really brought it all back. Thanks because this was the start of a lot of second guessing for me in many situations. Could I be overreacting? And maybe I'm not supposed to show that I'm hurt? These are questions I ask myself now when things happen to me.

It's almost funny how most of the things you mentioned were present in my childhood. I definitely used to fit in this category. The odd thing is that you really can't tell when you're in it. I remember at some point desperately trying to look inward for feelings that just weren't there. Then I got in a relationship with what I suspect to have been a sociopath and we had this weird game going, in which he would say horribly mean things to me just to make me cry (according to him, to check if I still loved him) and I would revel in it. I didn't really feel sad, it was as if it wasn't really me crying and it kinda also made me happy because it was proof that I was actually capable of feeling things. Messed up as it was, it did help me to actually access my emotions and got me started in a good direction. Coming to therms with some of the things I said to people I cared about when I was younger has been rough. There was also some joy as I found that people can be really forgiving, understanding and kind. Not to take away from the hurt I caused, but it meant a lot that you didn't make us come across as complete villains. Thank you!

I have been, for many years, very dismissive of the emotions of others. For about the past year, I've finally been addressing what is now known as CPTSD, and understanding just how I've suppressed my emotional response. Really, to the point that I didn't recognize an emotional response as emotional. My mother was the narcissist, and I watched her create situations where she would emerge some victorious hero, or the martyred victim. My father liked to make his drunk friends laugh by terrorizing his small children. I now recognize my first shut down at the age of 6, when I realized I had to stop screaming to make them stop. There is still a lot to unpack. Some days I really don't feel like I'm making progress at all. But I've been alone for 20 years and I'm finally realizing I'd rather not be. That means digging in and rooting out the memories that cause me to freeze when I contemplate true vulnerability. Without this understanding of my needs, I'm not sure I'd even try. Its hard and painful work to slog though all the things that make me tick. Thanks for making these videos. I find them tremendously helpful

Up until 2 years ago, I was this person. I'm working hard not to be anymore!

My half-sister is like that. Flat, emotionless, non-communicative. SHe grew up alone with her mother. She is also absolutely appalled by my opening up emotionally or talking about issues. Dad hated it and so does my half-sister. According to them the only conversation is light conversation. Her and her kids came over to my house once and they were quiet as boulders. I did all the talking, it was exhausting.

This is a really good video - thank you. I experienced this behavior strongly from my narcissist father. He grew up in an emotionally abusive family. I’m not exactly sure in what way it was dysfunctional because I wasn’t around his parents as an adult (just a couple of times), only as a kid. I know my grandparents were cold as ice. No loving nurturing. For example, when my dad was physically sick, they’d put him in a room and close the door. I know my aunt tried to kill herself when she was 14. And both my uncle and father are severely depressed. There was just no love in his family growing up as far as I can tell. But it was more than that I’m sure. There was ridicule. One time as an adult I witnessed my grandmother ask my dad to vacuum the carpet. As he was doing it, she said with a critical, demeaning voice, “I knew you couldn’t do it right.” My dad has no self esteem and to cover up for that he is a huge narcissist. And he married my mom who (before their divorce) was very cruel to my dad - demeaning and put him down. Yet also built him up in some ways. That’s what I think his mom did too. Was very cruel in some ways and in other ways built him up. I read somewhere that that is how narcissists are formed. Anyway, when my parents were still married, my dad was very nice to me; then after my mom left him, I stayed living with him and he became very cruel to me - just like you explain in your video. It was horrific to live with and it DESTROYED me. I lived alone with him from the age of 14 - 18. He abused me in ways that I don’t have words for to explain the severity of the effect it had on me. Many years later, I learned about narcissists and a big light bulb went off. By the way, my father would verbally attack me anytime I tried to express emotions to him. He would outright reject me and blame me harshly. If I said, “Dad, can we talk?” He would say with a totally authoritarian voice, “No! It’s you, not me!” One time when I was at college and suicidal, I called him and told him I needed to come home and talk. He would have nothing of it and said with his authoritarian voice, “No, you will not come home. You must stay at school and be a student. That’s what you are - a student!” This wounded me soooo much. I was already very wounded and this was just another extremely destructive rejection from him. I was sooo sick emotionally from his treatment of me. And yes, he acted like he had it all together and everyone else was messed up.

You are a guiding light for me. I started to be able to identify my own reactions and even accept the co dependent behavior in me and have been actively trying to overcome it. Thank you

My mom is this way, her father died when she was a teenager and her mother followed him a couple of years later. Now When my brother died at the age of 30 she didn’t cry in front of us, maybe she cried alone but she seemed okay throughout the whole thing. No grief no talking about the dead, total amputation. Her emotional range is very limited, laughter is the easiest and it never seems to come from the gut, always from the throat, physically speaking. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 4 years ago and I think the emotional disconnectedness played a big role in that. I struggled with empathy for years and apathy and numbness. I would have a fight with my husband the night before and the next morning I am all good, hardly recall the details or feel the need to reopen the issue. Totally detaching from whatever I can’t handle emotionally. But your videos are now helping me understand and tackle the root cause not the behaviour. And I am healing, I think my brain is even changing! thank you, thank you, thank you! Can you do a video on emotional capacity and brain plasticity from your childhood-trauma approach. Again thank you!

Great video. Lots to consider! A person I know shuts down if any unpleasant feeling or experience is described. If someone continues to express distress (possibly mistaking the silent shutdown as the person listening but not understanding that validation is now welcome) eventually the person I know will explain that they are not interested in hearing about the distress. Their body language is similar to that of a sulky teen listening to a dull lecture. Very annoyed and subdued. Or else they seem like they are being very still, hoping you will wind down without any response from them. This same person seems uncomfortable if others are animated with joy or humor when they aren’t particularly happy. They become wary and stern, as if their friends are out of control animals or toddlers who might get over-excited and break something or hurt themselves. Since there was no overt mental illness or substance abuse (or generally, people breaking things) in their family of origin I am puzzled by the fear of others’ joy.

Your first theory is right. When someone grows up with a super dramatic mother who constantly blasts them with emotional outbursts, that person gets super sick of it and has permanently had it with having this dramatic emotional stuff dumped on them. To be honest, I always thought the goal was for people to work through things so they can live more freely and not get stuck wallowing in the old issues over and over.

Spot on. I'm like this, or used to be, I hope, and it's because of my borderline mother who would play the victim all the time while also being abusive. It gave me the idea that when people express emotion it's inauthentic and fake and it's because they want something from me. Or when they're being kind, their kindness won't last. A switch will flip and they'll get nasty for no reason. And I also went through a phase where I was convinced I was a narcissist too. I haven't gone through your whole catalogue of videos yet, you might've made more videos about this already, but if haven't, it'd be greatly appreaciated if you did. Thanks.

I used to say my ex was like a wolf, any sign of weakness made him irrationally angry