This is the video I've been waiting for!!! Thank you SO much Thais!

They have low awareness of how their behavior impacts others and can’t even see how they’re wrong, or if they do, feel defensive about doing anything about it. It’s somehow always the other person’s fault

There are two things that were instrumental in healing a major part of my dismissive avoidance: 1) holding myself to reasonable expectations and meeting them, and 2) recognizing that while I am not responsible for the way other people feel, I absolutely am responsible for how I treat them. We get overwhelmed by expectations, mostly because they've classically been unrealistic. And to add insult to injury, we were punished for not meeting them. So learning to set expectations for yourself that are reasonable, and meeting them, helps to untangle what is reasonable or not. For the second one, own your shit. Everyone is responsible for themselves, but it's not okay to say that people are responsible for themselves in spite of how you treat them. We're responsible for our behavior towards others just as much as they're responsible for their response. It's not right to cause a response and then hold them accountable for it. That's just cowardly. Don't be that person.

Because saying sorry means admitting you’re wrong.. to yourself in the first place

What's worse is saying a 'blanket' sorry but never taking accountability or giving an open heartfelt apology saying WHAT they are sorry for. Not just saying sorry to stop the uncomfortable situation.

Worst relationship I was in was with a hard core DA...never again, it almost destroyed me.

Was married to a DA for 20 years and it was exhausting. Zero accountability, responsibility and communication was impossible. Give them all the space they want by leaving.

Why should we be validating someone who cannot validate us? Who cares about attachment, bad behaviour is bad behaviour - sorry not sorry

I think its bc they already have the deep belief of not being good. Saying they are sorry affirms that they have failed and therefore are not good.

I think that, deep down, their fear of vulnerability prevents them from apologizing and from seeing any need to apologize to begin with. When we apologize to another person, we are putting ourselves in the position to either have that apology accepted or rejected. That’s too much vulnerability for a DA, who is very very anxious on the inside.

If only the DA would understand that apologizing doesn't mean you are bad or wrong as a person, it just means you care about the other, and by apologizing you validate their hurt, wich helps them feel safe and trust.

How to make a DA in your own home: Ingredients: 1 child. 1. Expect the child to be a mini-me but with no embarrassing imperfection. 2. Use child as outlet for life frustrations. 3. sabotage child's efforts to bond with anyone but you. 4. treat emotions as misbehavior. 5. Whenever child is proven right about anything, accuse child of never admitting when he/she is wrong.

Met a DA that apologizes all the time but the apologies are empty. They apologize so much that apologies began to come across as manipulation.

I was in a relationship with a DA for 2 1/2 years. While I was very upset when she broke up in a text for no apparent reason and wrote that since she was breaking up there is no reason to ever communicate again. Although I was very depressed, now that four months have passed without communicating, I realize how bizarre each of her four breakups were and how lucky I am to be rid of her. I still love her very much but realize that she is way too unstable to satisfy me in a relationship.

The cliche "Love means never having to say you're sorry" was created by a DA lol. Lack of apology or accountability is an absolute dealbreaker for me, no matter the reason. Worst of all is the dismissive and condescending "I'm sorry you feel that way." The biggest thing I've learned from investing in attachment healing is that just because I understand why someone does something, even if it comes from a place of pain, it doesn't mean I have to accept those behaviors or stay in relationship with people who do them. I used to put up with everyone's bad behavior just because I had compassion for where it comes from. All it did was cost me years of my life. Now I love people from a distance and wish them well on their healing journey- a journey that needs to happen without me.

Honestly I feel for DA’s cause as a FA leaning AP I have struggled with apologizing before but dealing with a DA that neverrrrr apologizes at all is so demotivating for the relationship. As much as we want to understand them and empathize it does so much to you emotionally constantly dealing with someone that’s not self aware enough to make changes without always being prompted, etc

I'm an FA actively working on myself daily and my ex was DA. I would find myself constantly apologizing to him and the worst part was that he would then double down on me whilst I apologized. If I told him how something he said made me feel, rather than taking any responsibility he would claim "it is all your issues". I don't believe he apologized once in the year we were together and offered little to no praise/ compliments.

For a DA it seems for us on the outside trying to look in, up is down, left is right, day is night, there is so much of their 'shadow' (to use a Jungian term) that is living out in the open but if you asked them, they would say (and vigorously believe) they are doing/living the opposite. The DA I knew said he doesn't' assume anything (truly assuming everything about me), he said he lived in the moment, not the future (when literally with the dissociating/zoning out, reliance on routine and predictability, the amount of NOT living in the moment was more than anyone I had ever encountered.) I could go on and on with example of this DA not knowing themselves. Sad, but to my point, anyone involved or trying to be in a relationship with a DA really has to overlook SO MUCH to just not get completely frustrated with the amount of self-denial this person lives in - truly I don't know how people stay to work inside these relationships you just have to be dedicated to being their therapist IMO.... not great

10 years... He was BRUTAL, never apologized once.

My ex DA just could NEVER apologize...grow up!!

How can you have an open dialog when they run from everything....

I walked away from the one who ALWAYS does this to me: Lures me in and quickly devalues me only after making me think she wants to be intimate. Shortly makes excuses and always the “not feeling well” or the “that sounds nice”, but never actually follows through. It’s exhausting. I’m always inviting and she never asks me to do anything. I couldn’t take it. She was always giving me a hard time for having needs and sharing things that show I need more connection. Eventually I stopped taking her excuses and decided to just stop and tell her I’m done. I want to feel valued and wanted. Period.

I know all attachment styles that are insecure have their things, but dismissives seem to be the worst most negative traits. It’s a step away from being a narcissist. The reason doesn’t really matter. It’s damaging and not productive to a healthy relationship

Can you speak to the other side of this, lack of saying "thank you" or giving compliments as a DA once they attach? I wonder if it comes from a place of feeling comfortable enough to drop the social norm mask, or if they are testing and trying to push you away, but it is something I've noticed in multiple relationships I've had over my life with people I see as DA's now. They may show up in other ways, but seem allergic to compliments past that initial honeymoon stage where they were free-flowing. It is so curious to me.

just 2 days ago i (AP) confronted a DA to apologize for infringing on his boundaries but also to state that he hurt me by ghosting me. I gave a pause for him to apologize but he just stood in silence...

Exhausting

2:13 I have always known a fear of vulnerability drives DAs to push you away forever and never even apologize when they’re clearly at fault. It’s unfortunate when that DA was someone you considered a friend.

My ex-wife and mother of my kids is dismissive avoidant...and borderline personality. She precisely fits your description of dismissive avoidant. She does not apologize. She becomes distant and indignant when she should apologize. She does nothing or even goes on the offensive and becomes aggressive/combative. After a prolonged time has passed(sometimes days or even weeks) she will pop her head back in as if nothing ever happened and expect everything is all back as it was. It's the most toxic thing I've ever experienced. I'm a thoughtful, mindful, considerate, apologetic man and I don't appreciate or understand the way she handles herself. I also don't appreciate that she will do nothing to make this difficult pattern of behavior easier to deal with for those closest to her. She recently had a health scare and had to go to the hospital for some in depth, invasive testing. She was understandably afraid and wanted someone to be there with her. But no one wanted to be. Everyone had an excuse for her and could not be there. So she called me. And I didn't want to go either. You mentioned people having expectations of them but you said nothing of their expectations of others. She expected her kids or her husband to be there for her at the hospital during her time of need. But she had never been there for any of us when we needed her to be there. And she really didn't understand why none of us wanted to be there with her and went on the attack, attempting to guilt and shame each of us for our unwillingness to do something for her that she had flat refused to do for each of us many times over. It's frustrating. It's extremely frustrating being involved with this type of person. There is no rhyme or reason to anything she does.

It's good to hear this unpacked so specifically around apologies. My ex, a DA, has been unable to make any apology for dissolving our marriage and family. I have no desire to see her suffer, but the lack of accountability for the pain she has caused is, ultimately, the most intense pain of this whole experience. If she had showed remorse for wanting to end the marriage, gave an account of how things were not working for her, then I think in time my own capacity for empathy could have made the transition of our relationship bearable. However after 14 years of marriage the wall suddenly came down hard and it remained robustly guarded, with a minimally communicated desire to end things. I think I am owed more, as our relationship was decent throughout the marriage. In the end, what would bring me real peace, would be her showing some personal gesture of accountability for what she did.

Open dialogue with a DA lol. Good luck.

I’ll say something as a person who has dated both anxious and avoidant people: avoidants expect their partners to solve their problems just as much as anxious do. Thais’ videos are great for understanding your way of thinking, but the scripts don’t really work if you don’t accept that you carry that expectation.

This makes sense - i've called my ex out so many times for wronging me in the past 3 years, and i've never heard her use the word sorry once. Feels like some weight off the shoulder.

Mine says “sorry for your pain”. Never takes responsibility for hurting anyone.

Fear can definitely be hard to conquer but we need to be aware of it and really face it, it can be changed we just need ti want to change. Like this week i had to face my fear of being vulnerable, even writing the question out to ask thais on her live webinar was hard but i want to change my avoidance pattern so i did it and it felt much better, practice small bits at a time it doesnt have to be big things to share if saying the apology straight out is hard, start with the awareness, im aware what i did or said was not so nice. Face your own fears its important. And like Thais says knowing our actions and words does affect the loved one, Thank you for another aweosme video thais, love ya❤

My ex DA and I were in-love for 5 years but we are not even aware of that because we are involved into different relationships at that time. We made it official this year. He said we are in a committed relationship gave me endearment, and so on. He even said I love you to me and that he have butterflies in his stomach whenever he talks to me on the phone. We are 13 hours apart via bus-one way. Kinda LDR. But as soon as I challenged him to step up his game, he ghosted me.been heartbroken for more than 3 months now. Broke "no contact" twice. Made 15 pages of letters for him already cause he blocked me on Facebook messenger and he changed his phone number. It's his birthday next month. I'm older than him. I do love him but he hurts me so bad. I don't think I still want him in my life.

My DA ex would say “Sorry” constantly, but what I eventually figured out was that she didn’t mean it at all… To me, saying sorry means: “I understand how my words/actions hurt you, I take responsibility, and I will try not to do the same in the future” To her, it meant “I can see you’re unhappy and I just want this conflict to go away as quickly as possible, so I’m going to say this word that seems to work sometimes”

I have been in a relationship with a DA me, as anxious to secure attachment and i want to say that it is the worst experience ever. Sorry for DA but the inability to verbalize the needs ,wants and the covert attitude is overwhelming. Silent treatment, gaslighting, stonewalling etc only because i express my needs. DA wants to hang out by themselfs, flirt, stay on social media, no sex and i shoud cook, housework and understand her. DA are the worst, and most painful attachment style to brake up. They dont want treatment and how they deactivate in some hours from love of they lifes to a stranger is incredible. I understand their trauma but is not ouw fault to feel the pain too from them as partners.😢

I loved the point about fear of vulnerability which was very apt!

Brilliant comments . Thank you all so much .

Sorey 😂 TG is the best!

My ex DA, she said she wanted babies, marriage but we were stuck at our house. She wanted to move frome her house and pressed me to buy one. When she saw that I'm more on love and us more, she backed away. I m afraid DA has only interests in people. They stay with you if they gain something, otherwise throw you like some socks. Please DA find help and don't cause more pain in society 😔

Owning one's shit, as someone put it, is sooo vital. If you don't own your stuff, your stuff will own you. You have to own it first, in order to be able to let go of it. Apologizing and taking responsibility for ones behaviour, is one way to own it, and it can have a tremendous inpact on the relationship.

Thank you so much.

This is very enlightening. Even though I already know most of this, I don't have the knowledge or vocabulary to express this. I've tried, but unfortunately it just leads to more arguments and this like force

The DA I knew...or he was avoidant 100% (not sure about dismissive) but SUPER avoidant, and he apologized a lot! Whether it was sincere, who knows, but I got a lot of apologies out of him!

Even when I started healing & working on myself; trying to communicate better.. we still hit a brick wall and I still felt very triggered by him.

so interesting and at the same time so disturbing to know

I thank God i had a buddy model apoligies to me. He made it a point to apologize immediately. I don't always succeed, but good God it was like a revelation that there was never a need for perfection & have it build up into this overwhelming thing. The guilt and self loathing isn't helping anyone!

Currently in a serious relationship with what I know now to be a DA I am myself knowing I am AA. AND STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND HER. GO TO RESPONSES SHUTTING DOWN DIFFICULTY AND SAYING SORRY. It’s channel is helped a lot just navigate how to move forward with her so we both can have a meaning for long lasting relationship.

Basically, I thought my DA ex wife didn’t care. Period. That was a big reason for divorce.

I really like how you differenciated between different ways of 'being responsible': holding someone responsible for emotions - co-dependency and being responsibe of how we act, being mindful of our impact on others - inter-dependency. I think holding ourselves and others responsible for each others emotions (codependence) which usually comes with making assumptions about the others intent (you make me feel hurt because you want to hurt me) is just the other side of the coin of counter-depence. It is not actually truly responsible behaviour. I would love a video on the topic of what being responsible truly means. I'm familiar with the differenciation of being responsible for emotions vs. being responsible for our actions through Nonviolent Communication but I've noticed that in everyday life people rarely seem aware of that distinction. I think education on that topic would be very helpful for many people. As well as a video on feeling statements which I'm familiar with through NVC as well. How to recognize true feeling statements and see through thoughts dressed up as feelings. Most sentences that start with 'I feel' are usually expressing thoughts not feelings. For example "I feel betrayed." That expresses a thought. I think someone is betraying me. That thought is obscuring the actual feelings of the speaker which may be sadness, anger, helplessness, loneliness...

Thanks!

I would love someone to explain this to me!! I was just in a relationship with a DA with narcissistic tendencies. So, she actually could be vulnerable! Not so much about the relationship, but about her life. But then if I needed empathy, it was, “I’m not responsible for your feelings!” However, she LOVED when I took care of her in allll the ways. Also, plenty of blame shifting and gaslighting. So, is she a DA or a covert narcissistic? I have no idea.

How is it not possible to be not scared of vulnerability where we still live in the world where u get ridiculed for being yourself constantly?

I swear the perfect person is somebody with my attachment style, and the similar level of self-awareness. The amount of stress caused by other people emotionally dumping is mind-boggling.

I might have a radical approach to self-work for a lot of people, but I did make it through the Power Struggle phase with my DA and I healed in this relationship from FA to SA. So, I don't often relate to all the angry and resentful comments under Thais videos. I don't think a relationship with an unaware DA needs to be wounding, as it isn't my experience. To move to today's topic - my DA is also not great at offering an apology. For the small things that aren't too confronting, like arriving late, he will say he's sorry. For times he leans on me a lot and feels like a burden, he will say he is sorry for bothering me. For times where he was just being an inconsiderate DA and made a mistake that fired my FA-attachment style up in ways he didn't anticipate, he goes into freeze/flight-mode and will not be able to offer an apology. In these latter scenarios where I was no longer in control of how wounded I felt in reaction to him, and really believed he owed me the apology, these were difficult experiences to sympathize with him. I would be angry and resentful towards his inability to give an effective verbal apology. What I did is the only thing you can reasonably do in this situation when you do love your partner - take accountability and responsibility of my own emotional reactions (since I do know that emotional volatility in response to stress events is still a me-issue) and do the work to self-regulate, untangle the storytelling and meaning-giving I have around the situation, take an observant role to reflect back on the situation and his reaction. In human communication words are only 7%, intonation is 38% and body language is 55%. I realized that although I was hyperfocused on the absent words, his body language spoke VOLUMES. His body language was full of remorse, fear, self-criticism, sadness. Typically after such mistakes he would do more acts of service and giving little gifts to show his feelings, rather than tell them. Once this clicked about him, his body language and intonation became more important to me than the actual words of an apology. I just need to know someone is genuinely sorry, and while words can lie, bodylanguage doesn't. So, reading my DA's bodylanguage became enough of an apology to me.

Insight from DAs appreciated. At the workplace, does the "no expectations" also apply to workers eg if one was the supervisor?

I just signed up to the personal development school is there an app I can use to access while I'm at work or on the go though out the day

If DA's can't say sorry then they have no desire to repair anything between you and the other. They should be left on their own to feel " sorry" for themselves.

Yeah, I'm not "sorry " for being not sorry, but my dog doesn't mind. Shalom

He ghosted me for 2 months then he texted me 2 weeks ago and I didn't reply,I just wanna know what is he feeling right now 💀

If I may .. boldly say.. DA’s showing and admitting sorry.. yea hard and rare. BUT and im not throwing shade .. DA’s r known ( I’ve experienced ) to display passive aggressive behavior which they don’t seem to struggle with .. revenge feeling type of behavior .. not changing the subject but it’s the other side 😳

Are dismissive avoidants narcissists?

I'm finished with participating in relationships with people who are unwilling to heal and grow. Period.

Lmao, love your videos!

My avoidant friend indeed never says sorry. She says, "I know," or, "I remember." It isn't sarcastic. When something is pointed out she never argues or tries to twist things, never reshapes the past if I am being accurate, but seems to have a refreshingly good memory. With almost a resigned tone she simply affirms the statement, then looks off into space waiting for the next step in what I have to say about it, sometimes with her lower lip quivering like holding back a cry. The last one was she was having an avoidant day, but I had been planning to give her a new vacuum she needed for weeks, and ignoring my texts it wound up being left outside all day and stolen, just as an example. And it actually kinda works on me. I tend to stop being mad almost immediately like it's better than a sorry. I wonder to see if she will address the points in action, and these days usually she at least tries, but I often feel like she's sorry enough even when she hasn't said it.

Please, if you have some answers. Why DA erase everything in just some hours? Every plan, feeling, memories, everything. They pretend love or do they love you but dont know how to express verbaly or phisicaly?😢

Wish you would publish a book. I’m more of a book person - than a video or audio person. 😊

I say sorry when I’m genuinely sorry.. I won’t say it for the sake of it.. if I’m sorry I’ll tell you..

My DA leaning partner said he doesn't want to apologize because it would mean he should be a different person and not himself. I can see often that he thinks he "is" what he does. So I guess it goes to the expectation part. He wants me to expect him to be himself and that's why he should not apologize what he does because that's who he is.. I said, noo you can just apologize that you talked mean to me and it does not mean at all that there is something wrong with you as a person.

DA's seem to have some Narc traits. That's just my take on it.

There have been times when I (an FA) expressed that I was hurt by something my partner (a DA) did and I needed an apology or even just acknowledgement of my feelings. Instead of saying sorry he became resentful and would say I was basically just telling him “to go stand in the corner.” He thought that if I was expressing my hurt feelings and asking him to respond, it was somehow a form of unjust punishment. Other times he will automatically apologize without even knowing what for exactly in order to head off any conflict and avoid intimacy that is gained through the desire to understand. I’m so confused about this. He doesn’t do this first thing so much anymore (the second thing he still does) and there’s been improvement with how I express hurt and how he reacts, but he isn’t really able to articulate anything about how or why he used to respond. I just really want to understand. Anyone have any ideas?

I’m gonna guess bc they are a narcissist?? My bf is dismissive avoidant... but I recently found out he’s a narcissist ugh

More reasons not to date them.

uh oh, cue the tiktok psychologists in the comments waiving their invisible DSMs around! You'd think "narcissists" and "abusers" were lurking around every corner just waiting to getchya. Just entirely missing the point of her consistently helpful info, falling prey once again to the, far less rigorous or honorable, chronic victimhood mind virus sweeping the collective. Love your stuff Thais, keep it up!

Lots of people don't apologize. I just figure they're too stupid to know what they did was wrong. 🤭

Best show best best best best bestttt showww evah!! Best show!! Best best best best best best best showww evah!! Evah!!

People always talk bad about dismissive avoidants and like Thais said, they are so misunderstood and they are! They deserve love just like anyone else but the thing I realized with my dismissive avoidant is that he was truly a bad person and I just kept making excuses for him. I believed alcohol was what made him a bad person but the reality is that even after he stopped drinking he continued to be a bad person. Lesson of the story, determine whether your dismissive avoidant is a good hearted person or a bad hearted one. When theyre the bad ones, its just better to wish them well and walk away. You cannot excuse bad behaviour, lying, or manipulation from anyone. Take people for who they really are and learn how to love yourself cus loving yourself will always win in any situation, good or bad.

Does apologizing to a DA might make them discard you ?

Can you tell this to my ex

❤🥂🎯

I think my boyfriend might be Dismissive Avoidant He exhibits most of the signs However he can says sorry say it all the time Almost too much and he has been in a long-term relationship Could he still be dismissive avoidance ❤

Can’t show weakness. Sorry, not sorry.

The second reason is completely invalid for me. There's a line between causation and responsability. You dont dismiss the ethical implications of a narcissist's actions because their childhood was extremely emotionally neglectful. Not saying dismissive avoidants are narcissists (they are not most of the time) but in the same reasoning, you can't validate avoidant's bad behaviour because they had a certain childhood. Saying it's ok for them to have unethical behaviours because that's how they were conditioned or raised, absolves them of the responsability of actually being pretty arrogant, self centered, neglectful and condescending (not always but alot of the time). There are alot of things wrong with anxious attachment aswell, but at least they can take the responsability and the accountability to change or even realize they are in the wrong. What i'm saying is that just because the reason as to why something happens is very clear and objective, it doesn't mean the thing should be happening or that suddenly it's ok. It's ok to have subconscious patterns that are out of your control, but it's NOT ok to refuse to see your social responsability as a member of a society, and keep those patterns that might be hurting others. Let's not normalize people being like this.

He always apologize to me. If they're not apologizing, it means they never loved you. Don't make excuses for bad behavior

Because their narcissistic

She speaks so fast...runs too many words together, hard to listen to

I rarely apologize, and with good reason. Most people don't know "HOW" to apologize, or that more than just saying something is involved. A real honest to God apology comes with an act of making amends. Otherwise it's just words, and if you're not willing to back your words with actions they are meaningless. If I don't feel internally compelled to make an act of amends I'm not really sorry. I'm not going to lie about an apology. This is also why I don't look for and rarely accept an apology. I've already accepted the fact no one gives a shit about my feelings, so why should I give a shit about others feelings? You can like this, or not like it, but it's the truth. Empty words without actions backing them mean nothing.