I just wish people would stick around and grow with the person instead of leaving literally at the first sign of trouble.

7:11 Why FA takes you for granted.

i watch these videos even just for the warm caring feeling that you give us.

7:20 1) They are so protective of their own space that they take you for granted. They feel trapped, helpless and powerless. 2) They feel unsafe. 3) They have a difficult time trusting to be open and safe. 4) Struggle with setting boundaries and expressing their needs. They stay until their avoidant side is triggered. They feel their trust is broken. They downplay their interest as a means of self protection.

No matter what you do or dont do, DAs take you for granted. I tried so many different strategies, tips, non-violent communication, showing my vulnerabilities, being loving, giving lots of space and time. It is exhausting. It is ALWAYS my fault. I got bored and tired. I am a secure person after doing theraphy for myself for 12 years. I have vaccinated myself against narcissists and DAs. I feel I can spot them at a healthy distance. I give them three months. Maybe that's even too much.

Fearful Avoidants: I like it if you like it. If you're happy, I'm happy. I'll do whatever you want to do, go wherever you want to go, eat whatever you want to eat... Also Fearful Avoidants: You're selfish! It's all about you! You don't care about my needs! It's over!

Excellent. As a ‘recovered’ FA as a result of trauma I can totally relate to what other FA’s are going through. Totally losing a patient caring consistent secure person after one year of my holding back was a wake up call for me. The fear wall was crippling. I wonder what would have been the outcome if he had been willing to try no contact sooner before he reached his limit and wait to see. When I did break free of the fear wall to contact him (it was 2 months) after his no contact he was with someone else. But I’ll take the blessing from it that enabled me to break free like a butterfly breaks free from its cocoon after Time and struggle :-) (and prayer)

Ultimately, when dealing with either avoidant type, follow the rule of Las Vegas gambling: don't invest more in them than you're willing to lose. Most of the time, at least with DAs, it will be a loss because good luck getting them to put any work into their relationships. But if you follow a deadline like Thais said and use it as an experiment to work on your own stuff, you can walk away intact and use it as a learning experience to make sure you don't date another one of those types again.

As an FA I don't take people for granted we just don't know how to make things work obviously unless we work on ourselves and find tools to make our relationships work. I feel like sometimes we just push people away and we don't even get to work on the relationship.

I think you're awesome and you do a great job with these videos

My fearful avoidant ex broke up with me over a month ago. He was angry and after giving him three weeks of space he said he wanted to be "friends for a while" and to be friends before "we even think of getting back together". He even invited me to a family event. I felt taken for granted so I said no. I got obsessed with following advice from dating coaches online and it was making my mental health worse. So I decided I needed to let go of controlling the situation. I told him I feel a lot better now and I'm fine with being just friends. Ever since then he has been really cold to me. I think he could be upset that I am moving on. I still hope we can work it out one day but I need to have self respect.

Getting in a relationship with a FA is a slow death... move on to someone who can truly be open to loving you the way you deserve .

Perhaps I would add that if it’s a FA and DA in a relationship and they’re still getting to know each other and both have problems communicating then when the DA triggers the FA, for example, when DA stonewalls, it’s understandable if the FA “freaks out” and panics and thinks they’re not loved seen and understood, then when the DA comes back, the FA can be suspicious and seem like they take the DA for granted because they pull back, but really they’re just hurt and want to be seen. They’re not taking the DA for granted in this case but rather deactivating. So in this case the DA should initiate conversation with the FA in a loving, understanding way. If then the FA feels safe and seen, they will open back up again. If they can both make an effort to fine tune their communication to each other, things could start working better between them. Just thought I’d add that in there coming from that kind of very difficult relationship dynamics!

As a FA I can confirm this is all true. I want to send this video to all of my exes

These types will not meet your needs no matter how much you communicate to them what you need. My ex is a dismissive fearful and if i even asked her to make my lunch for work she would tell me your a big boy im not your slave. Yet she expected me to take care of the house fix everything do projects and take care of her needs. These people will run you into the ground. Stay away. 2 months no contact and my life has improved drastically along with my mental health. Do yourself a favor and dont waste your time. Until they go to therapy for years and heal themselves if possible, theres no chance in a healthy relationship

Thanks Thais, as an FA I had several a-ha moments during the video. It wasn't until you mentioned patterns/pattern watching in several of your FA videos that it dawned on me that other people don't see the world as I do. I know that seems obvious, I was always genuinely confused when people did see connections/ patterns that I was speaking of. Been told on several occasions that I over think things. ;)

Wow!!! Thank you for being such an incredible human being. For the first time in forever, I am starting to understand what the hell is going on in my relationships as an FA/DA. Your programs are fantastic. You have me believing, with work, overcoming this challenge and finding healthy love is not only possible but probable. Words cannot express my gratitude. Your husband is a very lucky man to be married to such a wealth spring of love for the rest of us. #Bravo #Respect #Love #Gratitude

For me I would say I take a person for granted in a relationship if my needs aren’t met and I’m not overall happy and satisfied.. then it’s not worth for me to stay

You are always so spot-on Thais. I hope to be able to do the FA course.

I hope I’m not the only Fa that feels so emotional disconnected when my trust is broken like I would literally feel like things changed and the familiarity of that person’s face or voice is GONE...I’m really losing my mind is this normal or am I facing a mental illness?

You are amazing! This totally describes him! I'm shocked! Thank you!

What this video has helped me realize (as an FA) is that I've wasted so much time and energy in a no win situation. I'm not even in a relationship with this DA (that I love) but I have tried to communicate how I feel and what I want with him. I have been there for him whenever he wanted me, and I have been pretty patient and understanding. I'm getting tired though, and I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now.

Thank you god this video Thais! As an AA, I stayed way too long with my ex FA because I was and still NOT securely attached.

Dating a FA and I said something a certain way and he shut down after that. Instead of telling me it bothered him, he told our mutual friend. He pulled away for a bit. I did apologize but watching this video gives me huge insight.

Thanks for hearing us!

Yes Omgsh this is spot on. Yesterday my bf had some discrepancies in his story that he’s been saying and I freaked out and today I have been shut down. I was definitely triggered.

Through your videos I've realized both my wife and I are FA. She has told me throughout our 15 year marriage that she feels like I'm not giving enough help to her--and I'm just thinking how can that be since I feel like all I'm doing is giving to her? Starting to make more sense. But I'd like to hear more about vulnerability, boundaries and conflict. Thanks for putting out this helpful content.

Agreed! You are amazing! Thank you

Starts @ 7:10

this one is sooooooooo so good wow

Having difficulty understanding why ANYONE regardless of attachment style would need to be told it's not okay to bulldoze or walk all over another human being 😕 but okay. I'm an FA but I personally believe stonewalling or pulling away without saying why is just plain rude. I have stepped back at times but I will say I need a minute or some time in order NOT to shoot my mouth off, or to collect my thoughts on what happened, is it okay to revisit it. I do my best to communicate, however when I step AWAY- I am done holding space for whatever it was.

You got it Thais...BOTH people must want to do the work separately and together to make the relationship work!! One person like me trying to do it and trying to force, control or fix my partner, in desperation to change, DOESN’T WORK!!Unfortunately, my ex FA was also a Covert Narc who did not want to do any treatment to change...treatment resistant. Love was not a possibility for him...he admitted to this. He said he can’t trust anyone. He took me for granted and would NOT communicate why he didn’t trust me! That’s the worst feeling after 10 mos and being discarded!! I even tried talking to him and he wouldn’t tell me. I am left trying to heal from the emotional abuse! My ex FA would NOT communicate...or acknowledge his distorted reality, hot-cold instability, almost like Borderline Personality Disorder. The projection onto me from his past I handled too long, because of my own unhealthy issues. I definitely have learned to “cut my losses” and walk away early!!

Can't we just make a dating app for SECURE ppl like us? These avoidants are so tiring.

Regarding the first part of the video about Dismissive Avoidants, I think it's really great to be able to hear why the DA takes people for granted because for me as an FA, I'm already going within to figure out what I can do to change and empower myself. That's not to say that you shouldn't speak to how a person can look within to find what they can control and heal within themselves to empower themselves and rid what is co-creating those relationship dynamics, because of course that is very important... I will say though, from my experience as someone who has struggled with people-pleasing and codependency, my default mode is to always be hypervigilant about what *I* can change, and putting the blame back on myself, and therefore hearing about how I should "look within" only makes me feel like it's my fault that the relationship is failing, and I need to do more work and fix myself for that person, which only reinforces the codependency and enmeshment. I think a great first step is to always emphasize what the other person should be doing as well, and what healthy treatment looks like, and what unhealthy behavior looks like when someone takes you for granted, because I just keep justifying and overlooking the behavior and thinking it's something I need to fix or change instead of realizing that sometimes the person is just taking me for granted and not showing up to do the work, and I need to accept that reality.

As a fearful avoidant. I approve 👍

Hi Thais thank you so much for your video!! would you pleaseeee make one about DA attachment style like a summary and how it can be healed but with an intro on all Attachment styles, like something I could share with an avoidant who doesn't know about this, it would be awesome, thank you so much!!

@9:30. That exact same crap happened to me with my fearful avoidant when I wanted to change dinner plans at the last minute. I could have handled it better.

You make it so that I have decided to become more compassionate to my sweet FA partner. I think he needs me more as a friend to help him in this healing process. I wrote out a questionnaire for him with the help of this video so we can do like a “pulse” checkin. “What overwhelms you in dating situation, do you feel heard with me?..etc”. I will have to take it super slow and roll back on the physical for a bit so I don’t trigger my insecure attachment style needs that I’m healing from. I love him dearly and he is ready to heal. If he and I cannot be together at least I helped a soulmate of mine get through this life with less pain.

youre so lovely :( makes my heart melt

Thais I found your channel a few weeks ago and I have learned sooo much. I wish I had found this months or years ago and been able to apply to my former relationship with my DA partner. Thank you so much for sharing this knowledge with us. It has truly helped me do inner work on myself. I’m an anxious attachment working towards becoming a more secure individual. I do have a question....how do you know when you are healed? Like when you have healed your traumas. I’m just not sure when I’ll be ready to start dating again but I do know I deserve that.

My ex FA REFUSED to acknowledge or do the inner work! I brought up my needs and he didn’t care and didn’t want treatment. I say, if you are with someone like this, it is a MISMATCH, and LEAVE QUICKLY, and do not look back!!

How do you set boundaries and communicate your needs? Can you do a video on that?

I think that totally makes sense. My partner (X) actually WAS unsafe (breaking things, threats, ect) and broke my trust constantly with future promising and so on. I worried I took my X for granted, but it was so hard after a time to show gratitude after my feeling were continuously dismissed and I was put into such a state of fight or flight. Can you do a video on why in the hell FA like myself get attracted to someone who instills fear in me?? I can only assume I was trying to fix him and thought I could (nope! LOL) and took responsibility for HIS actions when I should not. Maybe some deep need to repair my own past. Anyways, these are all very interesting videos and lessons. Its activating for me, triggering, I can see looking back where I create create turmoil inadvertently (volatility building for sure!!) then I get into the trap of re-traumatizing and all that. My X didn't care about boundaries, and didn't want to hear me out totally shut me down all the time. I did walk away from my toxic relationship through, and hope to learn more get to myself to a place where I am more emotionally confident than ever to never get into that trap again.

I’m an FA going through this right now, but I don’t know how to stop and I feel bad. I just want to protect myself

You look at it by looking in you and where you have been. Sympathetic towards the dismissive.

Doooood. The stuff about people showing up and being vulnerable enough to state their needs and stuff is so so so good. I keep trying to ask people for this stuff and idk what Im doing wrong but its almost like "clarity on roles and expectations and boundaries" sounds alien to almost everyone? At best. Some react like it was a threat or accusation and ??? Not always sure what to do there.

7:10 start I so appreciate your conscientiousness in providing intro and context for these videos, I do. However, I think YT videos with the best success tend to hover under the 10 minute mark, really, under the 5 minute mark. I mention that because when I go to these videos I’m looking to glean info. and then follow up elsewhere, maybe your website, when I have the time. Much of the context you provide could be re-organized into the video info. bar and then you could direct watchers there for further details. I get that context is so important, but tailoring info. to the platform is too. You are certainly the expert here, it’s just a suggestion I keep coming to as a viewer and I share it in hopes that the feedback can be helpful. 🙂

I pulled back as a FA because he seemed mean - I had been people pleasing, not setting boundaries, and his comments got meaner, and I felt very unsafe. When I came back, he sent sexually harassing, degrading, racist, projecting insults for a week straight. Once again, I was sensing I was unsafe yet as he insulted me he kept saying its a joke, invalidating and neglecting my emotions and requests to stop. The other girl in the group chat laughed along, didn't address his comments, and when I stopped talking, asked what was wrong with me. I was attacked by that man who was my friend for 5 years I thought respecting me, and only used me for an ego boost and completely degraded me when I focused on myself for the first time in 5 years, rather than responding with concern or checking in he got more aggressive and violent. All the Office jokes, and clearly he used that and humor as an excuse to cover up his racism and racial inferiority fears. I didn't even know him. He seemed like someone who could murder me, and I NEVER saw those signs. I still feel frightened. The woman I realize was jealous of me (her bf had a crush on me I heard) and she was gossiping a lot, taking pleasure in watching me degraded. I eventually ran away and left. After a year of therapy when I mustered up the courage to report to the police, they told me he's a guy, he lost his cool, and to let it go - invalidating his racism, his emotional and verbal abuse, as unlikable, yet, 100% acceptable. We live in such a violent society. And I feel so furious. We are unsafe. And this is in Toronto, Canada too. The world feels too scary - no accountability for gender based violence, bullying, racism. I'm completely frightened. Even if I confidently stand up for myself who is to stop someone from not aggravating in greater violence? There is ZERO accountability! I was playful, happy, and carefree, and now even the more I learn and understand I see people as evil, I have social anxiety, and I feel everyone tries to exploit, use, abuse me. And even if do not, there's nothing to stop them from doing so. I am unprotected in my country. I have insane social anxiety and fear now. Can you answer how do you recover from this intense fear? I try somatic psychotherapy, I watched your video on recovering triggers, I tell myself I can speak up for myself, but even if I do I am always tested - must leave the job, must leave the relationship, must leave the group. Always. I keep entering unsafe situations. Maybe choosing still unavailable or violent people? How can FA be more comfortable with focusing on my emotions because its pissing me off, I feel so angry and annoyed and in my head, and others interest in me still frightens me. I just want to have fun, and while intimacy feels peaceful, I find myself angry with the work it takes to maintain intimacy with myself let alone others. Incredibly angry and irritated and annoyed. Do you get these emotions at all? Please Help if can, thank you - please let me know if there is 1-on-1 therapy options with you Thais I am just so frustrated now. Thank you for these videos I know this is the closest description of me Ive heard. I'm just too afraid, too shaky, too sick, too long now. I need guidance and not another failure with therapy.

Fas and anxious attatched are the worst combo ever. If anyone wants a commitment a week in i run. Also people who freak out over space spook me. I went on a trip with a guy i had been dating for a few months and wanted to take a jog alone because i need my space. He broke down and acted like i was going to cheat on him. Needless to say this and other things of the nature completely killed my attraction to him. I think secure is possible if the person understands space. Dissmissive avoidants are attractive at first but make me severely bitter and resentful. I have problems trusting after betrayals.

Everyone loves to blame the DA and get activated when there may be a role pointed out that the non DA plays. We are all suffering from something, nothing wrong with looking at your own patterns as to not repeat.

Im loving understanding ao much more about my ex here Thais... Can I approach here on this front in regards to her texting and calling then it stops when I reply intermittently? Peace!

Can one be a non-volatile FA?

What causes people to have incongruencies?

I'm confused. This says it is about dismissive avoidants but you talk about fearful avoidants so which is this information about? Thanks.

What if I don’t know if the person is fearful or dismissive? I can’t tell the difference despite watching the comparison video.

For that last video that is addressed as having been not the content as expected, perhaps just a simple change in the title would have been a simple solution? And considering the confusion on whether this particular video is about the DA or the FA, maybe the same goes here (above?)? But it sort of sounds like the content is about the DA but the reference to FA just keeps popping up. Not sure.

I wish I saw this in my last relationship

Begin at 07:10

Are those video in spanish my boyfriend does not speak english

12:00 They deciding factor is, if I show up, will this person join me?

Video starts at 7:08

I appreciate your videos a lot Thais. I do have a question for you though, as someone who has largely healed their core wounds as an Fa and now identifit's more with secure attachment, what is a realistic expectation of ourselves. By that I mean, you spent almost 7 minutes making sure EVERYONE was heard and made a large commitment. Also by day you obviously work as a mental health professional. Now all of this is helpful and appreciated, but isn't is an extension of people pleasing? What is it that you do differently now compared to an unaware Fa?

7:10

Starts at 7:00 🙂❤️

Why do they feel trapped with SA individuals?

You described my ex😮

Video does not start until 7:10. Can you not edit the first 7 minutes out?

I'm a Fearful Avoidant individual and my partner is Anxious Preoccupied. We are in a long distance relationship. I'm super Straightforward with him and it can come out to be too honest and rude.

Do you do emergency FaceTime calls?

I love these videos, but it took 7 minutes and 8 seconds to actually get to the point of the video.

DA or FA? x

We should stay away from FA. İts better.. No need to argue much about it..

Fearful or Dismissive avoidant?

Great content. But spent 7 minutes in the beginning talking about irrelevant stuff

Girl, you need to stay away from the bronzer. Being yellow is not a good look. Yuck.

Video starts at 7:10