I so agree with your statement about allowing yourself to be treated this way isn’t loving towards yourself. We deserve more.

It was hard enough to kick him w/ a 10 year relationship. He admitted to only an emotional affair w/ a girl half our age the first time, then the promises and vows to do whatever it takes. he never did though and several months later was back w/ her. I had to kick him out while still in a deep depression. Hardest thing ever. The old house we bought has to be run by me now. Always was financially since 4 years, but lack of manpower has been very hard. He still wanted to stay the 2nd time too, and tried to lie and minimize, but I knew for months and proof finally came in a text. It was clear that she was there to stay, and he was hoping I'd learn to put up w/ it. He's miserable and surprised to find that illusive happiness that he thought she could give him better than me still isn't there. Since they devalue you so much to justify their actions, they don't realize how hard it will be when they really do lose you. I have that bit of satisfaction, but it's been brutal. I still feel deserted overall, even though he jumps at chances to help, and even though I took enough power to drive him out.

Anger is a natural reaction to your boundaries and trust being violated. For me, the anger was the last to fade (and it took years). You can’t force forgiveness or releasing the anger, but you can use it - it reminds you what you will not tolerate & it has an energy to it which you can use to move you forward.

It will really speed your recovery if you let go of the anger. Then you can get on w/ dealing w/ the grief and pain of it. I'm past the anger and he's only moved out this last month. The grief is still tremendous, esp. since I get often reminders he's still w/ his young gf, who he's surprised didn't make him happy either after all, yet he's still w/ her. I hope the anger is dissipating for you. You deserve better. I only had to deal w/ the one affair partner, but he brought her home to befriend me and it still took me months to see it. Since it seemed so improbable. But then he went back after working hard to get me to give him another chance. Crazy stuff.

Those “why” questions 😫 We’re worse than. five year olds.

The why of it all has been driving me a little bonkers too. I suspect he's all 3 categories. I know he feels shame and remorse, and he admitted to being too afraid to end it when I found out the first time. He had lied to cover the extent of the affair initially, only admitting to an emotional affair and feeling he needed the gold plated attention a ridiculously inappropriate girl half our age gave him. So we never stood a chance when he never came clean in the first place. When I found out the second time, likely the most honest moment I got was when he said he hadn't loved me in years and now wanted a chance for a relationship w/ her. Now he waffles and says he really regrets he didn't work it out. He's stunned that he's still not happy after all and how hard it was when I drove him out for good. I will chalk the why of it up to, there is something missing in them that they think the answer to unhappiness is some mirage. A person that will slink around w/ them, knowing they are married and even after they have tried to stay and work things out is no one they can have a decent relationship w/ anyway. As they are just as immoral and not to be trusted.