Yup. I stopped asking for help when people started making fun of me for not being perfect. Something I've never ever claimed to be.

I grew up putting myself out there for the sake of others to an unhealthy degree, and have become someone who can't stand the thought of asking someone for something that might burden them. It's not the right mindset to have. The people around you want to be helpful to you as well, this is something I'm trying to get more used to and hopefully others can as well

This dude was one of your best guests. I hope he gets the help he needs, and keeps making dank music.

I lost a job because my manager actively denied me help. I was a recent hire. I had made a few minor mistakes. I was asked to work on a missional critical task that was an unknown unknown for me. When I asked for help the manager actually said "no, deal with it yourself" Bonus, during the interview, I was told I would be focused on tasks that was given to someone hired after me.

I relate to this on an astronomical level. I'm one of those people who doesn't even know how to ask for help in terms of words. When I try, I struggle with finding the right words (or any words, sometimes) to describe my situation and problems. Not to mention talk about my emotions. Add to that the people who I can ask help. Since I know either they'll criticize me, tell me some crappy/cliche advice (or the same thing they always tell me and doesn't work)... As Dr K mentioned, most times it's not about words, but people. And lately, I just don't feel I can trust anybody enough to ask them for help.

The stress and anxiety of asking is worse than stress and anxiety of failing

YES Talking to my parents are a massive mountain climb - almost everest-levels of difficulty Talking to them increases my anxiety levels everytime, I have to consider 1. Do they give a fuck? 2. Will I get screamed at? 3. What are the responses I expect to get? 4. Is there any point? 5. Are they free?

It takes me back to when i used to go to school. Some teachers felt approachable and seemed unbothered when u asked a "dumb" question, yet others made you feel dumb for not knowing something when it was expected of you. I am a part time art instructor and i constantly mention that i am there to help or just let me know if you have questions and some do appear to be relaxed or have less pressure

I'm frequently the friend in my group who helps everyone else. I'm the strong pillar. So when I have an issue, it's the hardest thing in the world to ask for help. Like... I just need someone to sit down with me and help me do my taxes. I'm so lost and confused and so anxious, I'm fairly certain it is one of the reasons I have such bad digestion.

Learning to ask for help and be very open about what I am going through is probaply the best skill I have learned these past years. Once you are able to do it it makes life so much easier and takes away so many worries you have since you know you could always ask people for something. Luckily most people are very willing to help others and even enjoy it. The difficulty for me right now is understanding that some people either don't want to, or can't help you, and deal with that 'rejection', but even that is so much easier than trying to carry all your burdens by yourself.

I find it helps to think of how you view someone and what you think of them when they ask you for help. You probably don't attach any judgements to it, you're probably just happy to help. So remember that when you need help, because most people will be thinking the same as you do in those situations. That's always helped remove the fear of judgement for me personally.

I grew up codependent with my mom. I mostly grew out of that, even though she is still emotionally addicted to me. I mostly avoid asking for help because I don't want to be micromanaged. I'd rather struggle alone and grow slowly than be controlled.

People can see it as weakness. Weakness is pretty frowned upon unfortunately.

Cost of therapy is also another barrier

Jacob I hope you are doing well. And continue making music, your song is great and dr K aproves ❤

I relate with this because I have a fear of being judged so I rather prefer doing things by myself. I always think what the other person might think or if I'm burdening them with my own stuff when they have their own stuff to deal with, etc.

I have many reasons because I was & I am still a genuine altruistic, polite lady, especially when it comes to elderly people & pregnant women, but I never expect any help from others because I feel like having "debts" afterwards due to the not so nice society here who always expect quickly something in return after their "nice" actions. And since my beloved dad passed away, I'm afraid of asking the not right men for help. That's why I keep it distant here & due to moral & cultural reasons, because my neighbors are married men & I'm single. It's not acceptable in my culture to be seen in the same room with them. And I'm fine with it as a lady with principles. 👍

I feel a lot of anxiety if I ask for help, it hurts.

THANK YOU! This is what I agree with!

I've been struggling with this recently. I'm trying to reframe and think of being a "burden" as a positive thing. A burden shared is a burden halved, and your friends will be willing to halve your burdens just like you would be willing to halve theirs.

Middle school was when I was humiliated and yelled at and bullied nonstop for asking for help, receiving false information, and then getting it wrong again and again tl;dr Absolutely the WORST teacher ever and also bullying, lots of bullying This is why I am hesitant, even today, to ask for help with things - the fear that people will make fun of and bully me instead of actually helping Specifically it was in algebra - I was in an advanced class and had a great intuition for math but the teacher in this class was the absolute WORST teacher I’ve ever had She went on rants and tangents constantly in the middle of explaining topics, going completely off topic and then returning 10 minutes later without skipping a beat, and then when I asked for help and an explanation outside of class she wordlessly showed me and didn’t let me ask any questions, and then when I took my best guess in the next class she scolded me IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLASS for getting it wrong, almost everyone in the class laughed and made fun of me until I got my parents to pull me out of that class and into a different one, and this was ON TOP of being constantly bullied outside of class for being autistic Worst teacher ever actually (without doing anything illegal)

Spot on!

I went 35 years without asking for help. Now I've spent the past 3 years practicing this skill and still struggle.

it's not asking, it's accepting it

The funny part is, I don’t like asking for help bc I don’t want to be a burden on other people and feel like my problems aren’t as important. On the flip side, I’m always there for other people when they need help 😅😢

For me, it's not so much that it's hard to ask, it's that I got tired of not getting it when I did ask. Countless times I've heard "if you ever need ___, let me know", agreed to it & left me hanging moment of, couldn't be bothered despite it being their actual job, wasting time waiting for a follow through that never comes. It's just easier to be my own plan A-Z. I don't want to be hyper-independent... I wasn't given a choice in the matter.

I personally have issues with burdening others because of how people have treated me in the past, mainly coming from my limited facial expressions (by finding me boring or not interesting) . This makes my perspective feel like I am alone and the only people that I have around me don’t care that much about me. I still don’t know how I could prove how much someone likes being with me either. Btw, I’m open to advice, I’ve been trying to improve my facial expressions bit by bit. It’s hard though because of how rigid I feel with a lot of people.

We put far too emphasis on "asking for help" when we should just build a society that naturally gives people the tools to deal with problems. None of these people who constantly bang on about "asking for help" seem to give a shit about people who would actually like to be prepared to deal with things on their own. It seems like this society has utterly failed a lot of people and you have the audacity to try and control how these people express that failure in society, not in their own moral character. All of these people being depressed and isolated is a SYMPTOM of a greater problem that you seem happy to ignore.

My son asks friends to help and most of the time they don’t, he asks teachers at school and it’s always never focused attention which breaks his concentration.

That filter look like he's on the apple vision pro

It’s not like I don’t want to ask for help but 1) there aren’t many people around who can help with most of the stuff I need help with, 2) when I asked for help in the past, my vulnerability was abused enough times that I don’t feel like asking for it anymore. From a young age I had to learn that I need to lean on myself to solve stuff. I used to feel intense bouts of boredom when I was a teenager and all my mom used to say was to “tie a bush on my ass.” Learned that I have ADHD last year at 28, thanks for not helping when I asked for it.

It also doesnt help that everytime we do ask for help the answer is always “just figure it out”

Classes leave long-lasting impact on people's perception of what is society's view is. So when they get laughed at for asking for help, it changes the way they look at this action, it is showcased to be mocked by the society. Because that's how our ancestral knowledge is. But, the people in classes are not mature and wise. So that's not always a good place to know if it's right or not. So that's a very important thing to look out for, for teachers. As soon as they notice something that is should be normally accepted (not talking about the things made up on the internet) but is not well received by the other kids, he or she needs to intervene, otherwise that kid will be misled. What teacher is supposed to do is make sure all the kids leave with a better and correct understanding by programming them through talking, asking and practicing. Towards the end of this, he or she can pick out another student to do the action and showcase others as not condemning or mocking. Practice this a few times, without acting so you really need to convince them, and this is easier for a teacher to do to kids, then they will be programmed into the opposite action.

IT'S SO FUCKING TRUE, IT'S INFURIATING. Therapy wouldnt exist if people knew how to be there for each other. But, we as a society dont. And it sucks. Moreso that people closest to them, like our friends, family, are just as bad as being there for us like society. Like why? Why is it so hard? Is it cause I'm the funny one? And the funny one cant afford to be sad? Is it because I'm pretty? So my life should be on easy mode. Is it because I'm a girl, I have all the support network in the world? Well I dont. Whatever the reason, no one should be facing things alone. We as a race should be better. It would make us better, stronger, and connected than ever. But right now, having a support system is a priviledge

I wouldn't just blame internal thoughts. Those are _learned_ in a culture where men's needs are dismissed from a very young age, and they're told to man-up. Where bullies make fun of boys who need help. Where a boy struggling is picked on, prodded and poked and more obstacles piled on. These internal "weaknesses" can't just be learned away until you understand this culture is still intact. Edit: in fact, people who say, "you should have asked," are victim blaming and dismissing the fact that the person literally doesn't feel safe to ask. You have to provide a safe place to ask, not blame them for not asking.

0:17 And then there's the number of times we have to ask for help with the other person(s) giving no responses that we find adequately helpful... 0:36 Oh yes. God, the closest thing to that I have nowadays, is when I ask for help online, and "everyone" doesn't respond, even though reality is that no one saw the post.

And our existence online makes this worse

Ask for help as a decent looking girl = way too much unwanted attention Ask for help as a bang average dude = pin drop silence.

Who is this guy? Is he the gecko?