This poor guy had a fucking nightmare of a family, I hope one day he feels better about himself

A girl I'm talking to for a while sent me this video, saying this reminded her of me. When I watched this everything just clicked. This literally describes me. Instead of leaving me she's trying to help me better myself. I might be imagining things but I think she wants to understand me better. Edit: I wish my story had a forever-ever-after ending. When I was on my self-finding journey, I tried to date her. She was as broken as me if not more. I was not the guy who could provide her the right things, not yet anyway. I tried to support her but by the day we went colder. She is still my friend and someone I dearly value as she saved me from myself. Sadly I could not do the same for her. As long as I wanted to end this journey of mine on a dreamy end, this is what things are like right now. I heard she found herself a boyfriend. I wish from the bottom of my heart that she is happy. Edit 2: It's been 2 years since I posted this. Firstly I want to thank all the comments ranging from people who sympatized with me to kids drunk on alpha male podcasts telling me to man up. I've had the chance to take a good look at myself and work towards things I wished were true. I've started working out and lost about 30 KG (66 pounds). I've changed to a job I love doing. Got better friends who genuinely support me and enjoy hanging out with me. I realized all it matters is not to mold yourself into someone people would like but to be yourself and find people who like you for who you are. I've been dating a girl for the last 6 months now. I have never been happier and I think pretty seriously about her. For those who are hopeless, suicidal and lonely enough to write your pain on a youtube video like me, it's never too late. Just start somewhere no matter how small it may be and build yourself from the ground up into the person you wish you were. Over time it WILL get better I promise.

"You can’t expect someone to keep up with all the stuff that you’re doing in your head" would have been life-changing advice for me twenty years ago

"People dont know how to have healthy conversations" "instead we just ghost people" -Subbed

A reminder that helps me, “don’t make others responsible for your emotions.”

Yo wtf was wrong with OP’s family? If anything he needs to ghost them.

"A healthy relationship is a relationship where someone is comfortable around you and WANT to be with you, it's what you deserve"

"Texting" isn't a relationship. You need to DO things together.

"What do you do if they're really leaving?" "You let her go" Truth. And lots of people need to hear it.

Halloween is coming up, nothing better than to talk about ghosts.

The issue is that anxiety causes you to be clingy, the clingy makes the other person block you, them blocking you makes you feel like your anxiety was justified all along ("she blocked me, I knew she didn't want me, I was right all along") and then the next time this happens the anxiety you get about the relationship is even stronger, and it creates this cycle that's hard to notice when you're in the middle of it. And this starts chipping away your self esteem and confidence until you start to hate yourself, and that makes getting into healthy relationships even more difficult. I've been struggling with this for years and only very recently have I started understanding what's going on

To add onto “letting go of the your baggage”, I find that being invested in self-sufficient hobbies/life work helps me be at peace with dying relationships. Self-sufficiency really helps in moments like that, and Ironically, when I focus on myself, people want to hang out more!

Anyone watching who Consistently has this pattern I highly recommend looking at anxious and avoidant attachment styles. The type of behavior he is describing in this video is incredibly common of people with an anxious attachment style usually who have been through traumatic experiences That affect how relationships are built going further in their lives

My mother used to ignore me when I acted "wrong" as a child. It hurt deep. In other relationships, people often would leave me, and I never knew the reason behind it. Now I know, it was undiagnosed autism making communication harder. It still left mental wounds that changed my behavior for years. When I met my friend, I didn't know about autism, and I was nearly at my worst. I was terrified of loosing him very soon. I did a lot of dumb stuff, trying to get his attention and reassurance that he still cared and liked me and wanted to spend time with me. Firstly, I was afraid he wouldn't be interested in hearing anything about me, especially the stories of my traumas. Until one day I just told him what was happening and why -- I had spent quite a while trying to understand the root of my problems, -- and asked them for the reassurance directly. And he told me he liked me, and wanted to be my friend. And I felt better. For a week, or maybe two. Then I was unsure again, and he told me the same thing again, and again -- he said it wasn't hard, and he _cared_ about me enough to give me that little reassurance I needed to feel well. After that I wrote another long text apologizing to wanting it and asking him to make sure it's really okay for him, and not do anything for me unless he 100% wants to, and sorry anyway. With time, after he told it over and over, after we've spent hours talking about our lives, after he shared his stories and I told him about my childhood, after he taught me what being a friend actually meant, how calling me this by definition meant he wanted to be around, how I didn't need to expect him to hurt me, which I did, and didn't have to go everything so he feels better while ignoring my needs... After all of this, I suddenly found out I wasn't all that scared anymore. At times, yes, I still need a bit of reassurance. He knows it, and he reminds me when I need it, but overall I am just calm and certain, and it's the first time in my life when I am. (We still have a joke about me writing books in our messages -- because of the long texts I tended and tend to send, which he says he greatly enjoys. I got really, really lucky with him :)) After this, I've got a few more friends. With some of them I'm closer than with others, but I never felt that insecure about relationship. It's not like all the problems disappeared at once, of course; but they got manageable, and if I can't do something alone, I now have friends that are happy to help me deal with my stuff as much as I want to help them with theirs. I don't know what I say it all for. I guess, to share the experience and to say there are happy endings?

This one hurt to watch. I've been ghosted a couple times by people I really cared about and it's like getting an arrow through your stomach. It slowly and painfully kills you.

"You can't have agency without responsibility. If you can get credit for the win you should take responsibility when you lose." I freaking loved that line

One problem is that if no one starts investing.. all relationships remain low effort. As in.. you won't have friends.. only aquaintances. I did this all my life and of course all of them ended when it suddenly took effort to stay in touch. (I moved away, switched jobs etc.) And those are the people you seem to attract. You are secretly needy but pretending not to and you attract the people who also put in little effort. The healthy ones you push away. The solution isn't to stop wanting more out of relationships.. but somehow find the right person and be fulfilled enough on your own so you don't overwhelm them. (Circumstances like breakups, death of loved ones.. etc. not included) The tragedy is.. I have no idea how that works in practice or how to make new friends when it's not handed to me.

It is a bit painful to accept, but we can only improve & overcome if we accept our part in things. If it wasn't at least partially our fault, that would be _truly_ bad news

I think you should never ghost anyone. If you want to end a friendship it is ok. Do that. But tell them at least instead of just sudendly permanently ignore the other person

The story of becoming obsessive due to a girl's life becoming more busy really resonated with me. I was the guy who texted every few days with no response, attempting to play it cool, and then would hit her with a block of text trying to give her an out so that I could be rejected and move on, saying things like "I don't want to guilt trip you into going out with me". Was "ghosted" for 3 weeks. She finally responded and said I was making her uncomfortable and said it was best if things ended and wished me the best. I simply texted back, "Okay sounds good. Sorry about that. I wish you the best too!" It was a learning experience for me and I realize that a lot of the anxiety can be solved by not assuming more of the relationship than discussed.

19:04 I think everyone needs to hear this more often

If you are anxious it is not enough to work with your own anxiety, you also need a person who pro-actively reduce anxiety and builds trust. Some people do this naturally as their second nature, some people do not understand they should. If you feel your anxiety builds up but your partner never seem to assure you they might simply not be for you and that is ok.

One of the best things I've learned was if you want to talk to someone call them. Texting is not a good way to have a meaningful conversation because tone and context get lost in the words. I dated a girl 10 years older then me and she taught me the value of calling and holding a conversation. I met my now wife online and the week leading up to our first date we talked on the phone just about everynight after work. Married now for almost 2 years and the one things she always says she enjoyed about meeting me was she felt like she already had met me because we were having meaningful conversations and not texting small talk. Obviously don't over do it and call her non stop but if she is interested she'll make time to talk because you're showing more Interest via calling then texting.

I've always made it a point not to ghost people. It's rude and disrespectful. If I no longer wish to talk to someone, I tell them. To their faces if possible. If someone ghosts me, then I just figure we weren't compatible in our values and move on. Quite frankly, I don't want to waste my time with the kind of people who think ghosting is acceptable behavior. They're cowards. It just ticks me off so badly that people these days have so little respect for one another.

I ghost people all the time, it sucks. I read a text, think I'll reply to it later, then forget I ever got it. Then I notice it several days later, and I have no choice but to block the number, fake my own death, and start a new life as a ranch hand in Montana.

As someone that gets really serious really early, clingy, tendency to message a lot - I know it's not that healthy, but I know it comes from a place that badly wants connection and love. It's a red flag to people, hence why they pull away. But I don't think it's necessary to repress the urge to go full blast with your hopes and emotions. Instead, I just think you want to find someone on the same page mentally, or with the same energy and goals if you don't want to tone it down. And work on turning the overboard texts into briefer, comprehensive communication. I know I have the urge to hint at what I want but that rarely helps.

I came to a similar realization after I got ghosted last year. I didn’t like when people told me I did nothing wrong, like no tell me where I messed up so I can learn! People found it weird that I wanted to take responsibility over my part in the relationship

this is so fucking exhausting. nobody likes me like that. over and over and over again. self improvement again and again. social skills practiced again and again and again

This exact same thing happened to me with a girl getting ghosted but my family life was the opposite. All my negative social interaction came from bullying in school. I think more people in the mental health field should be aware of this. You can have the most loving parents but years of bullying/being ignored by most of your peers can still do tremendous damage.

I absolutely find myself in this pattern. I think it mostly stems from an overall sense of insecurity and lack of confidence because I've never felt like anyone's first choice, so when I do get into situations like the one described, which I'm actually currently dealing with right now, I overdo it and get clingy because I seem to think "I never get a chance like this! I gotta make the most of it". Wow, it's almost like the algorithm gave me the exact video of yours that I needed to see. This video really hit hard and I'm going to work on this part of myself going forward. Thank you, Dr. K.

Part of why ghosting happens is emotional labor. One person may not want to put in the emotional labor required to support the other person’s anxiety.

I've had this happen to me with a woman I was involved with, we basically operate on the same wavelength and I became obsessed, and shed ignore me or find me annoying, we are still good friends. But only because I made the decision to better myself and in doing so would have to separate myself from her physically. The toxic ideology men get in their own heads is truly saddening and I'm glad you're content is helping others like myself. Women are people my brothers, just understanding that alone makes relationships 100 times easier.

His "dancing"-metaphor is an amazing example!

It is diplomatic to say the person on the other end of those messages is confused. Other realistic possibilities could be they feel frightened or repulsed because those messages may seem like the prelude to controlling or stalkerish behaviour. Also, very sad to hear about the awful family life the OP had, and they seem to be on a path of self reflection. I hope things work out for them.

to be honest, as someone who has been ghosted multiple times, i don't really get what the big deal is. if someone stops talking to me, it's because they don't want to talk to me. maybe they've lost interest, maybe they have too much on their plate at the moment, it doesn't really matter what the reason is. if they want to talk to me, they will. and as a general rule, i only want to talk to people who want to talk to me. so it's mutually beneficial for me to just move on.

Man, feeling responsible for other people's feeling is such a huge problem for me. I always felt like people don't like me and I don't know why. My parents never reenforced this, but I always feel like I pushed friend groups away. This has affected my romantic life in a huge way as well.

Even though it's not completely an issue with me, this helps me understand why I have had shortcomings. I can get girls, and I can do pretty well, but if I'm emotionally invested I completely flip a switch and cease to become myself. I become needy and worried about how I am being perceived. I have been working on being more 50-50 and willing to let go if there is no reciprocal, and that pressure has actually been less and less. I felt like I needed to keep conversations going to keep that "flame" so to speak, and all it did was make girls text back less and less. With this I am able to understand that I can do my part, and I can't force them to do their part. If it works out, great. If not then the next one will come and I'll try again. With that understanding I do feel like it's less crucial to latch on to a girl I'm overly attracted to, and oddly enough it seems to be less taxing on myself. I feel less pressured to "perform" and I'm actually able to be myself. This further reinforces it, so thank you for that.

Yup, having an anxious attachment style sucks. It’s like everything is a set up- the kind of people you‘re attracted to, the accidental clingy behavior that pushes people away… it all just feels like a set up to reinforce your childhood wounding & internalized sense of rejection. It’s so freaking hard to transcend & it feels like it only gets harder the more you look for some kind of external validation… which is so hard not to do. Idk CBT, DBT & humanistic therapy is sort of helping but sometimes I even get anxious about whether or not my therapist likes me🤣

It's funny, whenever I can tell that I've annoyed someone, or someone might dislike me, I will start being as quiet as a mouse around them. Won't speak unless I have to, won't joke until they joke with me, will pretend I don't see them in my vision, will even avoid them if it gets to that. I always make sure that _I'm the one who left them first_ . Can't push me away if I push you away first, right? Classic fear of intimacy/rejection. Honestly don't know how that formed in me.

wow. i really needed this because im talking to a guy right now, and this week i had that anxious moment and freaked out over text for the first time with him, even though i knew logically it wasn't warranted. my trauma was being cheated on and i've been working to understand how that wound affects me now. this video popped up in my recommendations and i think i was meant to see it. thank you so much for making this video and helping me understand myself better :')

This is a really relevant topic thanks for the insight

It's worth being aware that she was probably out the moment she mentioned that she was getting busy. She was setting up a wall right then - Generally speaking I've never had someone say they're going to be busy without some sort of reason or timeline attached. Think Midterms, work trips, family stuff going on. If she was still engaged in the relationship she would have either A - Given a reason or B - given a timeline. I'd also reflect on what happened up to several conversations ago. Did she know your intentions to begin with? It's also possible she didn't and it became more clear through conversation and she just wasn't geared up for you.

20:10 But the issue is that the perfectionism in most cultures teaches us that if we become "perfect" and match certain standards of "success", attractiveness, etc everyone WILL want to be with us/we will be "compatible" with everyone one. That's the issue: we're brainwashed into believing that: 1. "perfection" in humans exists 2. It is universally attractive 3. If we are not universally attractive it is because we are not perfect i.e. are flawed I think this is what throws men into a rage especially, because masculinity is about ACHIEVING success and having people fall all over you while femininity is about BEING this ideal object that the right person/people will love. It's easier as a woman/female to just internalize and say "oh, I'm just unworthy", but for men it can turn from 0 to violent real quick because there's this underlying, rarely recognized thing of "I did EVERYTHING right, I have all the right status markers, I did so much grinding in this game of life, so why don't you love me?" For most men, it's never been about the other person loving you for THEIR own reasons, but the idea that they love you and should continue to love you because you've EARNED their love ("breadwinner" is also the "lovewinner" I guess).

I read this book called "The Passion Trap" years ago. I suggest everyone should read this book at least once. It's a great read on relationship dynamics and has so many relatable situations we can all connect to.

To the OP: All humans can be very fickle and it is important to understand that people may not have the same level of investment initially, and also that they can change their investment in you due to circumstance or just general loss of intensity. "Getting busy" directly translates to loss of investment. People who really like each-other can and do make time for each-other despite being busy. This is something people will say to avoid upsetting you. People don't want to have to deal with your emotional needs in the early stages and are not going to tell you directly if they don't care as much as you do. It is important to read a person's actions and not the words. You must accept the truth of the fact that people can and will lose interest in you, frequently. It does not mean you cannot find a lasting, deep connection in the future. People just come and go from each other's lives. It is a natural part of human interaction. Please understand that this is not your fault, or something wrong with you. It is literally just human nature. When someone displays obvious signs of losing interest, you must take a step back and give them the opportunity to demonstrate their true feelings. If they still have attachment to you, they will notice your back-step and come to you. If they don't, you will not hear from them. Instead of dealing with the anxiety, you have to resolve to move on right from the moment that communication starts to break down. You really have to learn to let it go as soon as it looks like you need to. If they do really like you, THEY wont let it go. Women seem to respond very well to that type of resolve, from my personal experience. Strong emotional need is overwhelming to another person. The way to stop yourself from feeling that severe emotional need is to build up the other aspects of your life. Get hobbies and build a career for yourself. Give yourself other things to focus on and increase your confidence level. The more emotionally independent you are, the more charisma you will have. People in general respond extremely well to another human who requires nothing emotionally from anyone else.

I feel like when people talk about ghosting as something that isn't acceptable the point - usually - isn't so much that they feel like someone owes them a relationship as it is that it should be common courtesy to communicate your reasons for walking out on someone once you've gotten to know each other to a reasonable extent. There are exceptions to this, of course, but most times people just make excuses for being needlessly cowardly and lazy.

Mad respect for the guy who put himself out there for this post. To have that kind of upbringing but still able to have that level of introspection and willing to hold himself accountable even if it does confirm an insecurity is really respectable.

As a woman who has ghosted guys like this, it's not just confusion. It's also, "hey, i have a job and other obligations and i can't get through anything without a dozen texts from you. I can't be your therapist and i can't be your mother. That's not the agreement. I'm here to be your partner. We take care of each other. I'm not here to only emotionally take care of you while my needs fall by the wayside. "Oh, you want a quiet night to game and listen to music to relax after a hard day? Tough shit. Take care of me. Pay attention to me. You only texted me 10 times and I've texted you all day. Pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. Pay-" And often, anything less than praise elicits a blow up and finger pointing about being cruel or whatever. It's drama if a picture is "nice" and not "the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Step on me, king" So ghosted. Ya get ghosted. Edit: oh my god the amount of responses lol. That's really cool. I'm glad that what i said resonated (or pissed off) so many people. Okay, i keep getting this response by angry and entitled boys, so here is the deal. I'm going to answer the response i keep getting here. "Omg don't tell him what's wrong like an adult! Just ghost him! You're so immature. How would you like it if a guy ghosted you?!" This situation of mass texting and expecting me to be fuckable mommy has happened multiple times from multiple dudes. I always try to tell these dudes to knock it the fuck off in the nicest way i can, and maybe that's the problem because it is NEVER listened to. These types of guys do not listen. One of them literally threatened suicide when finally I told him that because he wouldn't stop spamming me at work, i didn't want to date him anymore. I agreed to stay friends so he wouldn't kill himself and despite my repeated pleading to stop spamming me with texts and sometimes calls while i was at work, and my dumping him because of it, he kept spamming me. Over and over. And you know what? I bet that to this day, he's running around telling anyone who will listen about how women ghost him for no reason. Idk what to tell you guys. I have a feeling a lot of you are asked to stop the behavior getting you ghosted and you just don't and then are shocked when she blocks you. Idk what to say besides maybe go to therapy and try to start thinking about how you would act if one of your dude friends was doing this to you. Oh i also date women and despite the amount of break ups, (most cordial with amazing women I'm still friends with,) I've never had a problem with women ghosting me, soooooo.... Yeah, the problem definitely isn't the one commonality between relationships. It's every single woman lmao

I used to do this and then stopped and things improved in myself and my relationships. People don't want to worry about you all the time, going with that into a relationship is overwhelming.

18:50 Yes, this is hard, because if you're really shy, introverted and anxious, chances like this maybe come along one every few years (not even exaggerating), so letting go means continuing to be lonely for the next 5 years or so.

There is not enough information about the relationship and the girl to make a conclusion like this. Equally likely scenario would be, that the girl was no longer interested in the relationship, maybe even started dating someone else, and as she knew OP had emotional issues, didn't want to break up with him directly in order to not break his heart, and instead decided that slowly drifting apart would make it "easier" for both of them. OP noticed that something was different, so he started being clingy, which prompted her to skip to the last stage of drifting apart. So it would have been to late even before OP started being clingy.

This is why i told my girl when we first met if she ever needs time to herself, is spending time with her kids, or just doesnt feel like talking, then to just let me know. I said im not gonna get upset or angry but I just don't want to cause her unnecessary stress by mistake and that's it that's all it took. A relationship especially a new one succeds largely due to communication and honesty.

I relate to this a lot... Except in my case she actually wasn't busy. She just didn't want anything to do with me anymore.

I could relate to this during my university years. I be friended with a really good girl friend. We clicked the first time we met! The relationship went really well until she started to be busy with her club activities. I became nervous and start to assume things about her not being interesting in communicating with each other to the point we had argument on this that leads to us both being a stranger again. If only I came across this video years back, I would do anything to be friended with her again.

"If you find yourself in a pattern of people blocking you maybe you need to take some responsibility" Oh if only. Also, think it's important to consider that if someone is not only becoming clingy but abusive or manipulative it's not wrong to "ghost" or block someone if you can't handle it. A lot of people ghost/block because they have been hit with too much BS and can't be everyone's psychologist, or the person is just being straight up hateful/abusive/whatever and it's not the responsibility of their target to talk them down from it. So if you don't want to be ghosted or blocked then do not lash out, make horrible accusations, threats, etc.

I found this extremely interesting. It’s only an issue for me if I sacrifice myself for someone, because then I need their validation to make up for that. However, so long as I stay true to myself and refuse to allow anyone else to control me, then the only validation I need is from me. Don’t turn yourself into a pretzel for anyone unless you have achieved a connection that’s really solid and even then, don’t totally lose yourself in another person because the reason they were interested in you in the first place, was based on what you brought to the table. If you make another person your sole focus, you lose that.

I have been ghosted so much I don't even waste time asking friends to hang out.

Dr K are you following me? It's like a tv show where every episode has a lesson relevant to the current situation

Simetimes its not your fault you got ghosted on. Ive ghosted one girl that just said "hey". I was anxious and thought she was trolling/wrote to me as a mistake (she was a class mate and didnt really know her). I was basically such a looser (and I was bullied) that I thought no girl will talk to me even for homework or anything stupid like that. I was and still am texting noone so that also felt strange. It wasnt her fault that I ghosted her, she was nicest and most chill person in the class and probably just wanted some homework.

If you can make peace with the idea of being alone, it'll be easier to accept distance in your relationships. If loneliness isn't so bad, the weapon your anxiety uses against you will be disarmed. It's difficult, because we're social creatures. We need each other. That's part of why the abuse this guy went through is so cruel. But if you can find peace in that solitude, maybe you can find peace in solidarity as well.

Omg thank you. This is meeeee. I have a disorganized attachment style, and I used to be fully avoidant of any feelings I had for other people, which left me all alone. Now I’m working on feeling my feelings, and I’ve fallen to the other extreme of feeling too much. I’ve fallen in love with a girl who works a lot and I’m trying hard to not be overly clingy and respect her boundaries, but it hurts because I want to be with her so badly. I need this advice.

This dude’s family is like playing a game of League of legends and then, when the entire team has contributed to the squad getting shit on. Then, at some point, 3/4 of the 5 generally start to shit on one person who has made mistakes, but nothing much worse than anyone else

i’m pretty sure i’ve messed up at least two previous relationships being overly paranoid, maybe even clingy. it took me a long time to stop overthinking situations.

In my 20s, I avoided being ghosted by never risking it by talking to women. 100% success rate at avoiding ghosting. I'm 40 and married now, but I totally relate to being afraid of this.

I've heard someone say a phone should only be used to set up dates. No pillow texting.

one thing I can say that helps me is think about your own behavior too. I have ghosted people. I am not proud of it and I should build the courage to have honest conversations instead. But usually when it happens it’s because of something internally with me. When people ghost me, yes my behavior may affect their choice, but equally or even more so, it may be their behavior that has little to do with me. Also there are times when I take forever to respond. Sometimes I’m too busy. Sometimes I just don’t have the words to say to someone in that moment. Sometimes I literally don’t have my phone in my hand for hours on end. It may even be the next day that I respond. It doesn’t mean I dislike the person. So when someone ghosts me, or takes forever to respond, what helps me deal with it is understanding what it feels like, because I do it too. We are all people. We do good things and shitty things for selfish and for selfless reasons. As you let people come and go, others will let you come and go. The good news is that there are endless people out there, and endless opportunities to reflect on yourself. Most importantly, don’t give up on yourself.

For me the best thing said here is the idea of responsibility - somehow it’s a lot less depressing to have fucked up by yourself than to have been relentlessly screwed over by someone

what I hate is that I was ghosted by a friend, we were friends for years, it really sucks.

The easiest way to break up with a girl is to act overly enthusiastic and she’ll magically disappear.

I love how he's talking about being on a different wavelength. Meanwhile as someone with autism I'm always on a different wavelength. I've got some professional help, but often it feels like even a friend I can trust will be too much of a stretch. Maybe it'll change someday, maybe I'll just decide to be done with it. Like what's the point of life of you're always gonna be on your own?

I'm gonna be honest, if you get blocked by them after they tell you that you come across as obsessive then you're probably at fault. If they block you without saying anything then to hell with them. I hate people like that, they're sleazy and waste your time.

In my experience as someone who has had to ghost, when you notice that something is changing and she's starting to get colder with you, that's not the start of something, that's already a clear indicator of the end. It's already too late, and what you aimed for may very well have been the wrong kind of relationship from the very start. It is very possible that the person he was texting didn't want anything more than a simple friendship, no strings attached, or that maybe she just wanted to take it much, much slower than he did, and that as soon as she noticed his desire to move forward in a romantic sense showing much sooner than she was comfortable with, she just bailed out. This is a scary world for women, and even though you are not the one singularly at fault for it, that makes it so that as soon as any behavior even vaguely threatening arises, she will decide to just leave; often, we do so gradually hoping that the guy will also slowly lose interest instead of getting immediately angry and therefore become more of a threat to us. This doesn't have to be taken necessarily personally, but you *can* personally change some behaviors in a way that will make you look less "scary". When you really like someone, it's easy to go from 0 to 100 very fast, even if you yourself don't notice. But you gotta understand that people on the other side are not in your head and they very rarely follow your exact same pace, especially if you've known each other for a relatively short time.

As a guy I shouldn't be ashamed of talking about my feelings to a woman, if i have to play these stupid games of intentionally holding myself then I don't wanna play at all. I want a woman who will appreciate my honesty

This video has helped formulate my thoughts on this matter way better than I have been able to in my own head. I was hopelessly in love with someone in a very tough situation and ended up pushing her away by being obsessive and clingy in this exact way because I felt her distance herself from me. It terrified me, and even though I knew that my behaviour was toxic both to her and myself, I kept falling back into it over and over to the point where she has gone from loving me and being one of my closest friends to keeping me at arms length. I did ease up on my pushiness since a few months back, but I could never properly formulate the root cause and define exactly how I could better myself. I had some ideas, but this video has helped me structure them better. I think I need to be more relaxed about relationships and try to internalize that people do actually care and aren't trying to get rid of me, and that even if they are to just let them go. It shouldn't be up to me to "keep" my friends, remind people why they like me or that I exist. The most I should do is try to be the best person I can be and stay as open and emotionally available as I can depending on the situation. Constantly doubting the authenticity of relationships and trying desperately to keep them going artificially is not a recipe for a good social life. Relationships are 50/50, and giving more than you're receiving is inherently a raw deal, and shouldn't be a part of a healthy relationship. If only I could've seen that earlier. I'm mostly leaving this here for myself as a reminder/snapshot of my thoughts at this moment, but If you've read this far I hope you've gained some sort of insight from it -- whatever it may be. Also I know this is a long message but please don't ghost me.

Biggest problem is when you're trully alone, just like you said, all "potential" relationships become so much harder not to get atatched to. I think it's due time I look for a therapist.

I'm often times skeptical of the qualifications for most therapists since from my personal experience they don't really tend to give me advice that's really any better than a good friend of mine would give me (in fact it can sometimes be worse advice), but I gotta say that Dr. K definitely disproves that perception of mine. This was a great video indeed.

It was really important to hear something like that right now. None of my friends who I've shared a similar situation with understood me or gave a good advice. Thank you so much!

i feel like he's describing all my online friends ive ever had, i used to get blocked a lot.

I match the frequency exactly of text other people sends me. Its sad if someone ghosts me even then, but at least i know its for other reasons, and it works pretty well. I dont feel personally offended if someone ghosts me.

The only times I have ghosted anyone was because a guy got scary like I'm going to get assaulted in my home scary. but I have ended it with super clingy men by just explaining why I need to leave, because i can tell there needs arent going to be fulfilled by me. They almost always get angry though, so the want to just ghost and just not deal with the fallout you make is so strong. Especially with my own issues with adhd, autism, and trauma, but I dont want to do that, I want them to know that Im not leaving because of there personality or who they really are i'm leaving because I cant handle your needs (and I should not be expected to handle all of your needs). I have a hard enough time with my own mental health journey I cant help you with yours if you dont even think there is a problem.

Lol and here I thought I was a broken hopeless person and these behaviors and feelings were defects. But here is dr k explaining exactly my tendencies as if they were normal

Female friends of mine who are dating say similar things to me about extensive texting. Basically: they hate it. They're on dating apps to get real, not to end up in text limbo with someone. Also: they hate prematurely intimate texts, e.g. "you're beautiful", "you have beautiful hair", constantly texting every day, starting the day with love-bombing texts like "Morning gorgeous, hope you slept well" etc - honestly, if you don't know someone at all well, don't use this language with them. That kind of compliment/attention only feels safe with someone you've met IRL, whom you are progressing things with. Under any other circumstance, it feels like territory marking, clinginess, not ***actually seeing*** the woman you're complimenting, etc. Also: it's deeply concerning if this isn't obvious to you in the first place.

I used to do this for a while. OP totally explains it well, the train of thought where you think you shouldn't message again but work yourself into doing it anyway. It actually almost happened to a really good friend of mine who had been going through some tough stuff, but we took a break from each other and we're really good friends now, since my anxiety of her disappearing isn't bothering me.

These videos are helping me understand myself. This dude is really helping thousands, millions of people with themselves, me included. I am so grateful for his service to the internet as a whole

Another aspect is that this type of behavior is identifiable by many people and is unattractive to some or many of those people.

There are just too many social rules I will never be able to live by.

This was incredibly helpful and I definitely found this video at the perfect time in my life. I’m 37, and still struggle with this. I wish I could find a therapist that could actually help me with these things. But I’m doing what I can on my own by finding videos like this, reading, etc. so thank you!

I had a friend that i really admired bc he was smart and cute with me, but he made my anxiety grow so much that i used to get scared whenever i saw his messages, he was the type of guy of this video. I'm a diagnosed anxious person and i fear attachment, so he scared me a lot being so intense and giving sublime signs that he was angry whenever i answered him late. nowadays i feel better with myself, so what happened doesnt really bother me so much anymore.

The anxious avoidant cycle is the emotional roller coaster from hell.

Healthy relationship is when both of you aren't afraid to open up and if one of you walks away it's probably the best but it's just superficial anyway because in relationship there's gonna be a person whose into someone more than the other person it may changes overtime but it's just what it is.

I'm someone who ghosted people and also blocked someone. People who get serious and clingy really fast freak me out, they overwhelm me so much I get scared of what their true intentions might be. I'm already chronically overwhelmed because of my adhd. I'm only able to keep regular contact with two of my best friends and that's it. I even try to avoid talking to new people because of this, if I do begin to, then I tell them in advance "look I have this problem and I don't like being bombarded with messages" or when I need to shut down I tell them "please I really need time alone, with no human interaction other than the necessary" when they don't understand this, I ghost them. If they gave me space I probably would have gotten back to them, but when they keep texting me and calling me it freaks me out.

You can't always take responsibility for other people's behaviour towards you.

if you get ghosted then the person who ghosted you probably didn't care about you enough or had other priorities for one reason or another. usually you don't find out if the problem is in you or the other person so what you usually want to do is make your self the best you can be then try your best, if you are an attractive great person people will come to you so better your self and keep trying. its a really bad look when someone doesn't "appear" to be confident in himself, don't overthink stuff and trust your gut feeling.

the WORST thing about ghosting(imo) is how people focus way too much on the act of ghosting. some times you just have/should cut some people out of your life, but most people seem to agree that ghosting is a shitty way to do it, which results in people overfocusing on the ghosting instead of "people are consistently cutting you out of their lives"

The very very most important thing Dr. K said in this beautifully informative video, is “people don’t know how to have a conversation” which is so true. When I feel a “friend” start to get anxious, and I get that feeling of being annoyed, I immediately take a minute, think about how I feel about this person, really, and then I let them know. If I no longer want to be friends, I’ll tell them. This opens up the space I was taking for an opportunity to fill that space with someone who is better suited to them, who can make them happy, and who will be happy with them. Learning how to understand your feelings, and then how to communicate them, bad or good, is the single most important thing you can do if you want to ever have a healthy relationship. In my experience.

Damn bruh I did this for almost 3 years.I was so lost in my mind. Drove a lot of people away not just girls. I’ve made it this far and I feel Ive basically overcome this in my head before this video and came across it today. Helps reinforce my lessons. Love you first, be patient, things don’t happen over night. And when they are really leaving it’s okay, this is a part of life. Appreciate the time you got and keep taking the next moments and lessons you learned with you. It’s tuff but you’ll be tuffer after this. You got this!!! Also you got options don’t forget about the other 7 billion people on this planet 😉 never know who you will meet.

human beings find disgust in desperation and thats my own conclusion from doing similar things to get ghosted

that's BRILLIANT advice, I wish to add one very important, don't betray your friend or wathever spreading secrets you've told with care , gosssip people ends up super ghosted :/

i am autistic so i do always have problems to find friends and hold them. Some things i just do wrong but i dont understand what kind of things. :(

Dude i felt this two weeks ago, and even expressed to the girl how I felt and she apologized although she did nothing wrong and I assured her she did nothing wrong. She was going through an emotional setback. Then the next day she told me that it wasn't going to work out, and I feel like it was because I expressed those feelings. It only happens when I try to get with someone never when I make friends with the opposite sex. Those abandonment issues really fuck with me because they're fucking me over, and this is why I hate opening up to women unless we're friends. But its the anxiety that eats away from me shit's annoying ngl.