does anyone know what movies clips were included :/// wish there was like a citation included

“Even though all parents might believe they love their children unconditionally, there usually are many strings attached.”

I think a lot of people don't realize that this isn't merely growing pains that come from being a child growing into a young adult and then into adulthood. This is a denial of autonomy, of personhood and of recognizing that you have the right to express yourself as you see yourself. This is someone constricting your freedom and the ways that you see yourself and just because that person gave birth to you or clothed you or fed you does not mean that you have to put up with their degradation. Everyone deserves the right to be free and autonomous and to express themselves how they see fit. No one deserves abuse. Abused people don't always hate their abuser; they hate themselves.

The number of people who ask "who's going to take care of you when you're old if you don't get married and have kids?" is baffling. Like, that's clearly not guaranteed anyway, as this video shows, and they're telling on themselves for having children so they can raise up their own personal slaves

the problem about being a kid is nobody takes you seriously, especially your parents. i don't think my parents realized until recently that i am my own person and not a trophy, pawn, or prop.

My parents were abusive but I still wasn't able to cut them off until I was almost 30 because the societal pressure of family being everything is so hard to overcome.

Older generations: how DARE young people think 'i dont deserve abuse'. These kids today are so entitled. I got the shit beat out of me by both my parents and I'm grateful for it. Younger generations: is it even worth trying to explain to them why we don't like them or is it just a waste of breath?

This is definitely an issue within black families, Im Caribbean and the toxicity has been passed on I see how my grandmother treated my mother badly and now my parents are toxic to me, the bs I’ve had to deal with from my mother is unreal. She constantly reminds me how she gave birth to me and how she ensured I was fed and has a home. I’m a thread away from telling her to leave me alone for good because she is a horrible person I have more bad memories than good. I never asked to be born. I can’t be grateful for something I NEVER asked for.

The most difficult aspect of cutting off my mother was her trying to regain contact. I’ve been no contact for a year now and she has tried to contact me multiple times. I put no contact as a boundary and insisted I would reach out if I was ever ready; this boundary has been broken a few times now. Every time she does my entire day is relegated to a breakdown due to the struggle of realizing she is the same person and nothing has changed; by her breaking a simple boundary. When societally we view children as “privileged” for cutting off their parents don’t realize how hard it is to cut of an abuser who was supposed to be your protector. No one wants to not have parents, but some have to out of self preservation.

I am particularly devastated that those who live with their abusive parents don't have a choice, as the housing/rent prices have become ridiculous.

It took me until I became a parent myself to cut my toxic parent off. I couldn’t let this generational curse pass on.

I ceased contact with a parent 12 years ago. And as if that wasn’t hard enough, there were all the people who would gasp and go “you don’t talk? But that’s your mother!” It’s been amazing to see things change and that these conversations and understandings are taking place. Thank you Cheyenne.

Going NC was the healthiest thing I ever did for myself. I wish my mom well, but her happiness is her own problem; not mine. I am deeply grateful that she has respected my request for distance. The greatest gift she ever gave me was room to heal.

I almost teared up watching this. This cut deep like a knife 😢. The part where you said “Children are to be seen, and not heard” is a common rhetoric in the Black community. Lots of Black parents love to instill fear in their children young and children shouldn’t go against their demands or they will be beaten. I’m glad that this generation is focusing on gentle parenting and breaking toxic ways we were brought up by our parents whether it’s respecting boundaries or having a space to be completely vulnerable without being dismissive or insensitive.

The phrase "you have to love/forgive/excuse them because they are family" has done so much harm. I was raised with an older sibling that was very mentally & emotionally abusive. When I would go to family members crying because of something they did or said to me I was told "that's just how they are you know". I just assumed that's how every family was. until one night we were out at dinner with some extended family we had not seen in a while. I had terrible acne and a nervous tick of picking at scabs. and was in the middle of a seriously bad outbreak at the time. The sibling made a comment about "the massive craters and holes all over my face being horrible to look at". While I was holding back tears, my Mom laughed it off saying "oh be nice". The other family member immediately jumped on my sibling scolding them for talking about me like that and being so heartless then got on my Mom for letting them talk to me like that and then just laughing it off while I was trying to not breakdown at the table. That was the first time I ever had the thought that I don't have to take that kind of treatment. That was the first time I was told it was not ok for family to treat you like that and you don't have to take it just because they are family. I have since cut all ties with that sibling and have VERY limited contact with my Mom. My mental health is still a mess, but cutting those ties was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I cut contact with my parents and my father hired a private investigator to find me. When the investigator found me and made contact with me, I found out my father had told him I had been kidnapped. Luckily when I explained the situation and that I was purposefully trying not to be found he understood and agreed not to share my contact info or anything with my father.

Pouched my Dad right in the face and never talked to him ever again. Best thing I have ever done.

I went nc to protect myself. CPS thought having my grandparents raise me was a good idea, despite my mother being extremely unstable and an addict. They didnt think their parenting contributed to it. Turns out, they were just more subtle about it. Growing up, perfection was expected of me. I had to retake kindergarten, because my grandparents straight up figured that I'd learn to read myself. Several professionals thought I had adhd. I do have adhd. It was something they chose not to treat. I would also be grounded every time i got sick because grandpa believed that sickness was a reflection of who you were personally. He would get even more mad if I couldn't "tough it out" He expected me to know how chores were done. Never really taught me anything, would just yell at me. But when I'd do them he'd get mad at me and a screaming match would ensue. He was insistent i was incompetent, that I'd fail without him. I believed him. At some point, the veil had been lifted completely. I was forced to go to college, so I chose to become a teacher. I became a mandatory reporter through what was basically a teaching 101 program for seniors in high school, and finally was like "You know that you're abusive, right? That screaming at me and calling me names isn't normal, and isn't okay, right?" He agreed. He apologized but essentially said that was how he communicated and he was preparing me for the real world, anyway. That same year he held me hostage. I wasnt allowed to leave the house at all, or really my room over christmas break because a teacher told him I was faking mental illness to get out of work. I just asked for a little bit of leniency, that i would do the work, just needed more time. It was a nightmare. He was so awful and disrespectful. i was eighteen, and didn't know that he was committing a crime in "grounding" me like this. I began to drink and do drugs during this time. How could i get ahold of them despite not being allowed to leave the house? Easy, my grandparents drank and did drugs and grandma was an enabler. I managed to convince my grandpa that my friends dad was having a new years thing, and he let me go. Turns out it was a new years party with my friends cousin (who has become a part of my family of choice) and her partner. We drank and smoked. It was such a nice time. Then, I traumadumped and my now-sibling was like, "He's committing a crime, you could put him in jail." When the punishment ended, I told him if he ever did this again, I'd call the cops. Strangely, that's when he decided I was too old to be grounded. The night I left he told me I'd fail. I've flourished. I work a full time job and I struggle with ptsd and borderline personality disorder, but I'm better. I had been convinced that I was the abuser as well, but that part of me is healing. I haven't talked to him or grandma since october 26, 2018.

She is definitely a Boomer, but I loved that when Emily Yoffe was Dear Prudence, she did a article called "What do adult children owe abusive parents?", which TL;DR is nothing. Here are her gems: "Choosing not to forgive does not doom someone to being mired in the past forever. Accepting what happened and moving on is a good general principle. But it can be comforting for those being browbeaten to absolve their parents to recognize that forgiveness works best as a mutual endeavor. After all, many adult children of abusers have never heard a word of regret from their parent or parents. People who have the capacity to ruthlessly maltreat their children tend toward self-justification, not shame." She wrote of a Dear Prudence letter called "Sadder but Wiser" where the letter writer wrote in that "verbally humiliated her son when he was a boy, realized the damage she had done, changed her ways and apologized. But her son, who recently became a father, has only a coolly cordial relationship with her, and she complained that she wanted more warmth and caring. I suggested she should be glad that he did see her, stop whining for more and tell her son she admires he is giving his little boy the childhood he deserves and that he didn't get."' "Sometimes the best thing to do is just close the door."

I felt so sorry for Jennette for having to deal with her overzealous stage Mum. I know that if I ever have children, I would make sure that they actually liked acting, without pushing them into the seedy side of show business.

I was lucky to not grow up with abusive parents. It breaks my heart that so many children experience it. I don’t understand why people have children they aren’t willing to treat right and love.

My mother probably still thinks I ceased contact with her for a "political disagreement", but it's like you said. For her it's sudden, but for me it's something I've wanted for a long, long time, but never had the courage to do. It's been 2 years now and honestly I've never been happier. It was such an stressful and toxic relationship.

People tend to get so judgemental as soon as I tell them I have no contact with my mother. I feel like there is more stigma associated with cutting off your mom than your dad for weird society gender reasons, but on both sides people really don't seem to get that just because their issues with their parents were petty doesn't mean everyone's were.

I cut my mother out permanently in 2015 and I have never regretted doing so. My life has only improved as a result. I have no plans or desire to reconcile either. Not only was she incredibly abusive to me, at this point we share no common ground or interests and I don't think she's someone I could even just be friends with. It's okay to break up with people that hurt you, even if those people are your parents.

If I treated my son the way my parents treated me, I would expect him to dump my ass and write a best selling novel about his struggles. My son was born entitled to my respect; that's not entitlement, I believe those are the bare minimum requirements.

I’m 19 years old, and have always had a difficult relationship with my dad. He’s self centered, very conservative, and constantly insults me and/or tells me I “owe him” for raising me. I’m living at home with him and my mom while I pursue higher education, and things have gotten better between us, but… I don’t think he’s someone I want in my life. He doesn’t respect me as a person, he doesn’t respect my beliefs no matter how hard I try to respect his. He’s a Christian, I’m an Atheist, he’s a Republican, I’m a Progressive, I’m nonbinary and aroace, he thinks both of those things “aren’t real”. I actually wrote my first college paper this semester on how I came to the realization that I didn’t want him in my future, and my professor empathized with me. Also, my dad has some subtle racism and classism. He’s upper middle class, and does not like the things I’m learning in sociology because it conflicts with his world views. Edit: I just want to get this off my chest. My dad also blames me for being groomed twice in my early teenage years. He also ignores my trauma induced boundaries such as not touching me or being uncomfortable saying “I love you”. He constantly complains, gives back handed compliments, and will flat out harass me for “not loving him”.

Great stuff, I noticed this pattern of media beginning to portray how actually complex family dynamics are and that not everything is as simple as "family is family". You gave a lot of nuance to this topic

It's such a strange dynamic when those that hurt you also care about you and say they love you. It hurts when their hurt wasn't meant to scar, yet it has. I'm going through a lot with my father who was verbally abusive until I was 17 and the yelling stopped effecting me, so he stopped. I'm 21 now and my parents recent divorce has caused me to re-evaluate a lot of things, and I'm still in the process. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but it's really fitting I stumble across this video now.

Currently into my third trimester of pregnancy and I'm doing a permanent cut-off. I used to be able to take cut off breaks for like 5 months at a time but now that I'm having a kid and they've never changed, I cannot afford to allow their influence around me. I'll be damned if the generational trauma passes onto my expecting daughter. The unfortunate thing about cutting off is a lot of children don't want to but it's their last choice because our absence is the loudest thing they'll ever hear.

I am 17 and cut ties with my father when I was 15. And you did a wonderful job at explaining this! Sadly my bigger brother still isn’t seeing why I cut ties with him and still says „You will regret it in a few years“ and so on and on. And that’s exactly the pressure from the outside that made me cut ties more later than sooner.

I recently got back in touch with my dad for the first time in 5 years and it was really disappointing to find that he still doesn't or can't understand how much emotional and mental damage he and my mom caused to my brother and I. If he wasn't ignoring us, he was yelling (on top of other stuff like not allowing us to have friends over or really letting anyone come over). I'm on the autism spectrum, but now I have to wonder how much damage his dislike of other people caused me to have poor social skills. And don't get me started on my mother, it only took one conversation with her for my therapist to mention "Munchausen by proxy" (my mom also managed to find my therapist's home address and constantly went behind my back to try to prod her for information and generally harass her. I was in my mid-30s when this happened.). It hurts a lot too. I have very few friends, zero relationship with my only sibling, and terrified of people to the point where I only leave my apartment one or two hours a week. And I can take some responsibility for that, and I do like day tripping to Boston when i can afford it, but now I'm 40 and I look back and see a wasted, empty, lonely life and I know how much of that was my parents being completely neglectful of my emotional needs. They *always* put themselves first.

I experienced a lot of emotional neglect and witnessed favoritism of my brother (I'm an older sister by 16 months) growing up. There were also upsetting revelations in my youth that demolished my trust and sense of identity in parental figures. First off, my parents fought *a lot* when I was young. Violent screaming matches. They were a young couple who moved from Minnesota to California with two small children, and it was a stressful time for them. They took it out on one another, and to this day I disassociate when I hear people screaming at one another or someone gets violently abusive toward someone else. I internalized their anger as my fault, and developed OCD. I would cry at small mistakes, and lie constantly when I'd done something wrong to avoid the onus of being bad. I also learned how to read people's emotional states really well, and in my younger years strived to keep others happy as a matter of personal safety. Their eventual divorce was a blessing. But over the years I saw my Mom struggle through relationships, and my Dad dating much younger women than him the rare times I saw him. My brother and I often just "existed" around him: he'd spend money on us, but we avoided him otherwise. When we were teenagers he started taking my brother on fishing trips to exotic places, despite me being an avid angler too whenever I got the opportunity. At the same time my Mom would attend my brother's track-and-field events, but I attended my extracurriculars alone. I chose a comparatively expensive hobby, and was always ashamed to ask for money, and too anxious to fundraise. I developed a habit of wanting people to ask how I was doing or to come to something, rather than telling them I wanted to come. In this way I guarded myself against inevitable disappointment. Junior high came with the revelation my Dad was not my biological father. I was not given my father's name. My first driver's license came with the additional revelation that the surname on my birth certificate was different from the married name Mom had taken from Dad, my biological father's surname (she hadn't told me it yet: said she would when I turned 18) *and* her maiden surname, which I had been using for years. She also told me the name on my birth certificate wasn't my biological father's. In high school, she remarried. I was thrilled for her, but my stepdad and I were never close. She had my baby brother my senior year of high school, and rather than keep the baby's crib in their room, my Mom and stepdad put the baby in mine, for me to care for. This was the same year he became violent toward her while drunk, so badly that my brother had to intervene. I couldn't. I don't remember how I wound up cowering in the backyard with my hands over my ears, but I went from there to eerily distant inside my own head. I autopiloted myself into my Mom's room and begged her to leave, that we (my Mom, my brother and I) had been a trio before, and we could make it work with my new brother too. She didn't, and as a kid whose grades have suffered throughout high school, I thought college was inaccessible to me. I fled to the only place that wouldn't overburden me with crippling debt: the military. In the Navy, all the cracks in my identity and self-worth were chiseled away at. Some were smoothed out. Some became permanent. Some festered. The ones which festered almost drove me to suicide, but I sought help. It meant being discharged, but better a failure than dead. After the Navy I retreated from society for almost a decade, working a night job that saw me on a different schedule from the rest of the world. I've gone on at length, so I'll wrap up. Suffice to say I'm a *healthier* person now, but not necessarily *healthy*. I avoid my Dad. I avoid my Mom less. I've met my biological father, and while he seemed kind, I've avoided him too out of an inescapable shame I carry with me. I don't date: most of me is disinterested in sex or romantic partners, and while I confidently identify as asexual and aromantic, a small part of me questions if this is how I really feel or just more confusion over my identity. I've earned a place at a world-class university after almost a decade of self-isolation, and hope that I'll finally be able to become the healthy person I want to be here. Fingers crossed.

"No mother is completely a childs Idea of what a mother should be. And I guess it works the other way around. But all things considered I think we didn’t do to badly by each other" I read this in the handmaids tale and I tried to live by this principle for years. I tired to have empathy for my parents who didn't have it easy and move past my childhood for a long time. But this year I realised that they aren't capable and willing to change what is wrong in their life. And I don't want to go down with them. So have almost no contact now. But my siblings do and we get along very well so a complete break isn't really possible.

I have a mentally ill mom who left when I was 10. I only saw her once or twice a year through middle school and high school, and those visits mostly consisted of her crying "woe is me" and making excuses for why she left. I went through a period in my 20s and 30s in which I hated her. Now I feel mostly numb towards her. I'm 50 and she's 70-something. It seems kind of pointless to stay mad.

Stress literally kills. If anything, adult children may need to separate from the family due to the fact that stress coming from toxic relationships can and is detrimental to health.

i just want to say as well- from someone who is estranged from their father and most likely will be estranged from their mother in the future: it is not your obligation to fix the parent. it is not on you to tell them everything they’ve done wrong in hopes that they will change. especially in situations where the parent has narcissistic tendencies, they WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YOU. you have to cut your losses.

I live with my parents still and my house hasn't felt safe for over 5 years because my dad is a narcissist and emotionally abusive. My plan is to move out next year after I finish university and I've already informed my mom that I plan to cut contact with my dad (not sure she's convinced I'll actually do it, but I didn't want this to come out of the blue for her). I hate knowing that he'll somehow find a way to blame her for this and I do feel somewhat guilty to be putting her in this position, but I can't live the rest of my life dealing with his abuse. Seeing more people talking about cutting contact with abusive family members has really helped me to not feel bad about this decision. I don't owe him anything and I need to do what's best for me.

I tried to talk to my mom about why she and I are so distant, because she's gotten a lot nicer since I was a kid and even accepts my identity as a bi person now (she hit me for it when I came out to her when I was a teenager). I said I needed her to admit that she was hard on me as a kid, that her expectations for me were unreasonable and that the way she "disciplined" me was wrong. She refused, said I deserved every piece of physical punishment she dished out (including pinching me until there were bruises, getting things thrown at my face until I bled, and coming at me with a knife) because I was a bad kid and needed "correcting", flat out denying that she ever hit me to vent her own frustrations. My sister backed her up, saying "you're remembering things wrong, it wasn't that bad and you were a bad kid". The whole thing left me not okay for several weeks as I tried to parse whether I was the crazy one, if I really was remembering everything from my childhood wrong, but no. Most of what I remember from my childhood at all are the bad things, the terrifying things she did when she was angry. I still see glimpses of that person she used to be, especially when she tried to quit smoking. So I'm done reaching out. I tried. I tried for 30 years to be good enough for her. I wanted so badly for her to love me as I am. But it's just never going to happen and I'm tired of slamming my head into a wall she built.

If this video resonated with you I recommend reading the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson.

Cutting my narcissistic parent off was literally the best thing that I could do for my mental health. It took me years to realize why I was struggling so much.

You dropped this at the right time in my life rn dealing with my parents smh

When my dad remarried a year after the passing of my mom, it caused a huge rift in my family. It got so bad that all of my older siblings decided to cut ties with him. Its heartbreaking cuz I see how it hurts my dad. But at the same time, I don't think my dad truly understands how his actions affected them. As much as I want things to fixed, at the end it's up to them (particularly my dad) to make amends

such incredible timing for this video to pop up. two of my father’s sisters reached out today for the first time in years to ask my mother to demand i open communication with my dad again. they know about the years of abuse i suffered at his hands but justify their actions to themselves because he’s been struggling recently. i’m so fortunate that my mom supports me and my right to have autonomy in these situations.

Currently going NC with my father, don't regret a thing. He won't be attending my wedding, nor will he know my address when I finally live with my partner, I don't miss him one bit.

One double standard I've noticed that's related to this. The cultures that emphasize family the most are also the most likely to disown their own children and/or kick them out onto the streets. For marrying the "wrong" person For getting pregnant For being gay or trans

Some parents are straight out narcissistic. They won’t even take responsibilities for their behaviours/actions, let alone apologising or realising their mistakes. Thanks for the validation 😊

I tried to distance myself from my mother in my early 20s and was unable to do so, because me attempting to get space made her put undue pressure on my father. It's so hard to get that space when someone you love but want distance from vents her frustration on third parties. I'm about to move across the country, and I'm going to give it a shot again

One of the wildest experiences I had was talking to therapists about how I felt guilty because I estranged myself from my parents and they’re always like - Don’t feel bad. It’s good you don’t speak to them. Really spun my head around.

epigenetic mental illness weakens me considerably, but also leaves me with resentment over "i didn't choose to be born" and guilt/shame that I blame my parents for having me. i'm so disabled by my condition, and my parents can be kind but they don't understand. i'm currently very sad and frustrated and a little pity-party-y. thanks for making a video like this.

Seeing the fates of so many broken families makes me sad, but more than anything it makes me unwaveringly grateful that I have a loving, whole family. That's something we should never take for granted

I love how older parents often mock and show disdain for the new forms of gentle and compassionate parenting. Like "that's clearly not gonna work!" Yeah like you knew Brenda

No child should be made to feel like a burden simply for existing and taking up space that they didn't ask to take up. I didn't realize how different my upbringing was until I moved out of my parent's house, it was a constant struggle of "wait, that's not a normal experience?"

6:53 hit too close to home. As someone who was in choir for 7 years straight (all throughout middle & high school) my family never went to any of my concerts, not even to my very final concert Senior year despite me asking. Despite it happening almost a decade ago I’m surprised at how hurt and angry that still makes me. Im glad that my friends, aka my chosen family, showed up to that last concert though - they were real ones ❤

That saying, "Listen to your parents while you can," goes both ways. Listen to your children while you can, or you might not have any children at all. I haven't talked with any of my family in about five years, and what kills me most is that I left my little cat with them. I originally thought I'd go back and visit them for holidays and try to get my cat, but as soon as I moved out, I knew I couldn't go back. I thought about staying for my cat, but I was afraid that even if I stayed until he was old and passed away, there would be another cat by then--another cat I couldn't leave... then another... and so on. I was going to die there if I didn't get out soon. I'm sorry Bunny.

Cutting my abuser (step mother) out of my life was the best thing I've ever done as far as taking care of myself goes. Not having to deal with her threats and manipulations firsthand is much better than whatever bullshit I would be going through if I put in all of my emotional labor into a person who does not love me and never will.

This made me feel so seen. At times I had been demonized by my parents for needing to create boundaries and distance. What many parents don’t understand is that these are sometimes methods to SAVE a relationship- estrangement is usually a last resort. And it’s hard to argue that this is a phase once someone reaches their 30s, like me. Estranging myself from my parents is one of the best decisions that I have ever made. Thank you for this.

I'm surprised that the simple reason "the parent doesn't care and stop altogether to have a relationship with their child" isn't mentioned. Strangest thing, people always think I wanted that estrangement...

I'm really glad to see this right now. I cut my dad off in April finally, and I've been thriving since. However, since i knew he wasn't doing anything for Thanksgiving, I sent him some of the food I cooked. He refused to eat it. It solidified my decision, but since food is my love language it still hurt a little. To all the other people who are sharing their stories: you all deserved better and I'm sorry for what you had to go through.

This essay is so great at explaining what parental estrangement is and why it happens. One thing I'd add is that not everyone understands the difference between the teenage stage of life where you want to be separate from your parents and grow into your own person and actual parental estrangement. The teenage "I hate my parents" stage is temporary and usually goes away with age, maturity, and the building of their adult life; however, parental estrangement tends to last years if not forever after the relationship is cut off and, at least for the child, impossible to maintain. The misunderstanding of the stage where you are becoming an adult and actual parental estrangement can cause some of the stigma on adult children who are estranged from their parents, causing other people to see them as perpetually immature and unable to grow up and move on from being a teenager.

TL:DR Toxic parents never take accountability, the best thing you can do is leave.

i really needed this. the idea that the estrangement might seem out of the blue to the parent but has been a constant thought for the adult child for a long time is definitely my experience. it still causes me a lot of pain, especially when i know my parent doesn't understand why what they've done is wrong and/or refuses to acknowledge it. this video makes me feel like someone is rooting for me, which means so much

as someone who will soon try cutting off my abusive parents and starting a life on my own this video really speaks to me, thank you for making it

My mom has Munchausen by proxy and severely abused me when I was a child. She is extremely mentally ill and I will never forgive her for how she treated me. Telling me I was a sociopath when I was only 8, making me believe I was bi-polar and schizoaffective, putting me in mental hospitals over and over, forcing me to take at least 10 dangerous medications at a time and when I hid them because I hated how they made me feel (passed out at school in PE), she found the hidden pills and said I was trying to off myself with them. I just hated taking them! And back to the mental hospital I went. When I got older, she would kick me out of the house and then report me as a runaway. She hoards animals, breeds them to abuse and neglect. She is evil. It's been 2 years and I know I will never see her or speak to her again. I am lucky I survived her abuse and she acts like it never happened.

I always knew that there was a bit of a strain between my mom and her adopted parents, but I hadn’t known the extent of it for a long time. I hadn’t realized she’d moved at 23 across the country just to get away from them for the most part. I hadn’t realize the extent of the emotional abuse she had faced from them as a child and the horrific things her father did to her. I can’t even imagine what that’s like, I’m so lucky she’s worked hard to be a good mother to me, she’s not perfect but still a very good mom.

I don’t have a ton to say because you and many of the other commenters summed it up so well, but thank you for this video. It always helps knowing you aren’t alone in your experiences, and it is also nice to see that cycles of generational trauma are finally being broken because people are making conscious decisions to try and end them.

So tired of hearing the “but they’re still your parent and it makes me sad you won’t give them another chance” argument from other family members. I grew up with them as my main support system. I had to cater to and make excuses for them my entire life. Nobody who hasn’t had my parents will understand how their actions have hurt me and nobody who hasn’t had my parents should be allowed to criticize me for taking the steps I need to protect myself from further harm from them. I don’t care if it’s my grandparents or my aunts and uncles, they may know my parents but they do not know what it’s like to live under their authority for 18 years. I have made every possible effort to help better my relationship with them but when little to no effort is returned and the abusive behavior continues I am not obligated to stick around. They should have had so many moments of realization. I have spent too much time soul searching and problem solving and taking care of them and I am not wasting my time on it anymore. They have been given every possible opportunity to change and I have held their hand and taken each step with them along the way and it’s clear that they simply know what’s wrong and do not wish to do anything to fix the relationship. They cannot have me around and not do the work to keep me here. I would never be expected to stay if I was treated this way in any other kind of relationship but for some reason when it comes to parents we’re expected to be forgiving. No kid should have to act as a parental figure to their actual parent. They aren’t our responsibility.

Whenever my parents put their expectations on me I tell them that I didn’t choose to be born, they did. It’s a bleak stance but in my opinion if you have a child you have the responsibility of caring for them for however long needed, and to respect them throughout their life.

to anyone who has ever had to cut their parents off or limit contact, you deserved so much better than what was given to you ❤

i started cutting contact with my mom during the pandemic due to all the abuse she put me and my sister through growing up. i only ever contacted her first when I specifically needed something and once that was done I stopped. she has occasionally contacted me. my parents have been divorced for over 20 years and i still live with my dad, which is pretty common in my country, despite being in my late 20s. he was so surprised when he realized i wasn't keeping up with her anymore. he kept asking if i missed and seemed so taken aback when i said no. he kept asking until one day my sister and i told him he didn't need to ask because we would never do the same to him, i knew deep down that was his concern because he was putting himself in her shoes, but he was never even half the bad parent she was. he was often late to school meetings and events but he always did his best to show up and did so happily. he left proud no matter what little role we played in the school play or if our teachers mentioned us at all. he did his best to be the best father and i honestly think I'm only alive because he's been so supportive. my mom barely ever even bothered asking us what we did in school before interrupting with some new gossip she heard about someone we didn't even know of or cared for, but my dad to this day not only asks how our day went but he also actively shares information about his day and talks about his worries with us. yeah, I'm never estranging from this man, he's the best man I've ever met.

My parents divorced when I was about nine years old. I was (finally) able to cut my father out of my life when I was eighteen. It was such a relief to not be worried about what he'll want or say. I'm twenty-one now and I've never been happier

There's also the fear that if you stand up against your abusive parents, they'll kick you out of the house, expecting you to live on your own, even if you're not ready to leave yet, just to prove their point that you need them.

The amount of controversy Jeanette McCurdy's book title still gathers is a clear example of how deeply the "family is family" idea is rooted in the American values system.

I feel so bad for people that have to cut out their parents...I don't know what I'd do if I had to cut out or lose one or both of my parents. It's just so nice that when I'm going through a hard time I know I'll always have them to fall back on. And of course that counts the other way around too. And our relationship isn't perfect, we have our fights (mostly just my parents/sister with me just trying to stop them), and my mom was super strict. But when I need them they'll be there, no judgement. I hope everyone that has to cut out their parent(s) can at least find someone that can fill that role for them.

I'm still picking apart the ways my mother affected me. All of us kids came out of that relationship as very different people but none of us really stayed in touch with her.

This is a very beautiful video. I’m not fully estranged from my parents because I cannot take care of all of my finances alone, but I live on my own and talk to them when I feel like it. I told them about a year ago how I felt and they were genuinely apologetic. One conversation couldn’t fix nearly three decades of pain, but it’s made me realize that their parenting style was a product of the society they grew up in as well. We’re all an endless chain of victims hurting each other and being able to stand up to that and put an end to it is so important

I went no contact with my father when I was 20 after growing up in a toxic home filled with child abuse and neglect. I'd done all the therapy, done all the work to accept this and be ok with not having him in my life, genuinely at a place where it didn't even make me sad. Then at 31 he reached out to me and is a completely different person, giving me a massively detailed apology and asking for nothing in return. Now I guess he's back in my life and it's strange because, I never had a dad like this, so it's not like I got it "back", I'm just getting a dad for the first time as a grown adult and it's hard to digest. It almost feels like I'm not honouring child me or 20 year old me for allowing him in my life, so back to therapy i go lol Estrangement is hard af, no matter what place you're at with it. Thanks for making a video like this, nice to hear from other people who've felt and experienced the same things.

My parents put me through horrific narscistic abuse that pushed me so far. It got to the point where I genuinely no longer felt any for of love for them. And it was entirely their fault. It wasn't hard to cut them off. I'm happier now and I actually see myself having a future :) It saved my life and was genuinely the best decision I ever made. I never thought I would experience that happiness again.

Refusal to help pay for college or other higher education, snide and sarcastic attitudes, laziness, selfishness, self centeredness, boycotting kids' activities, treating them as manservants, maids, gofers, picking fights, bullying, then these same parents grow old and gray and sick and whine the loudest when their kids want nothing to do with them.

as someone who grew up with an absent parent who I have now cut all ties with, this video was so validating!! I don't regret my decision at all and the only thing that makes me even really think about it at is the societal expectation to have 2 parents and idea that you always have to forgive your family members

I was raised by a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. Treating me as an individual wasn't apart of her plan. As soon as I was able to hold a broom, I was used like a slave. My summer vacations were just long lists of chores. I remember being in the summer heat and was forced to get rid of weeds with a pair of scissors. My mom would get me up at 8am to clean the whole house from top to bottom. We weren't done until 9pm at night with no breaks. I remember coming home from school, and as soon as I went through the door, she would yell, "WERE CLEANING TODAY!" Id tell her that I had homework to do, and she would stomp her feet and throw a tantrum. She ALWAYS waited until I got home to start cleaning, so that I could "help" (do 90% of the work). My mom was actually rather lazy and would sit on her butt all day while watching TV. Id get up from school and come back, to find her in the same.exact spot. She never acted like the mother she was suppose to be. Every time something had to be done, she would wait until i was around, to do it for her. The older I got, the more lazy she became. By the time I was in high school, I had to be the one to cook dinner, wash the dishes, clean the whole kitchen, take out the trash, take care of the pets, all while juggling homework. My mom actually forced me to serve her dinner like a butler, while she was laying down on her recliner by the TV. Meanwhile I sat at the dining room, eating alone because she preferred the TV for company. My school weekends were filled with nothing but chores and, i hardly had any time for myself. I couldn't even play video games without my mom yelling for me across the house. She would interrupt my "me time" and force me to go get her a drink refill and/or to make her some popcorn. I couldnt play games like shooters because my mom would throw tantrums if I wasnt immediately beside her feet when she called for me. I felt like a damn dog. I had to move furniture and objects that were far too heavy for me to lift. She expected a 16 year old girl to lift a heavy oak dresser across the room. She called me weak when I struggled. After graduating high school, it didnt end there. In fact it somehow got worse. She became more controlling and needed to know where I was and what I was doing at all times. She actually Wouldnt leave me alone at all. I wasnt allowed to be in my room during daylight. She ended up being glued to wherever i was in the house. It drove me insane. I couldn't move out in my early adult years because Im disabled and didnt have the funds to just run away. I didnt see a cent of my benefit money because the whole $500 was given to my mother every month. I had to wait such a long time before I was able to move out due to the circumstances of being disabled. I couldn't afford rent that was over $300 and i had to wait for the fair housing act to step in and get me in somewhere. I couldnt move until i was 25 and im 27 now. I cut contact wth my mother since. Shes now dying alone because, she pushed everyone away from her. Right when I was moving in, she had the nerve to ask me if I would clean her damn basement. Instantly I was like, "fuck that shit" and never spoke to her again afterwards. It honestly wouldn't surprise me if she believes she has done nothing wrong. You would think that when everyone in the family cuts contact with you, you would think thay you were the problem. But not with a narcissist. Its always some elsee fault but theirs.

I'm 25. I love my mother for some things. But she truly is a toxic woman who needs genuine help. Growing up, I was always told, "Well, she is your family," like it makes up for the utter disrespect I was given. Plot twist is I am adopted, so this argument always fell through the water. In short. True family, for me, are the ones like you describe in the video. Thank you for making this. Makes me feel way more valid and less alone. Also. Loved Gannett McCurdys book. Eye opener.

I was kicked out of an abusive foster home in my time of need. Nowadays I’m ok, and she is living in someone’s basement with no family members that WANT to see her

This is such an important video. My father’s generation (boomers) believe they are owed respect simply because they’re a parent. I believe parents have to earn respect by showing their kids they matter and are loved no matter what. My dad and I didn’t have contact for nearly three years. I wrote to him four months ago just to see if we could make things work. He’s chosen to gaslight me, cherry pick things I say to respond to and now I’m done for good. He hasn’t ever been a good father to any of his kids. I know I tried and I’m at peace. I’m not going to let the societal pressure get to me.

I graduated at 18 and almost immediately went to live several states away. I can honestly say had I not done this my relationship with my mom would be in shambles. It was the start of me setting firm boundaries with her she couldn't break.

I've just recently come to terms with my mother being abusive. My father was never in the picture, so you'd imagine a mother and a daughter in that case would have an unbreakable bond, but after years of control and my boundaries being constantly broken I had enough and started to rebel, not in the classic becoming a party girl or doing drugs or the like, literally by just starting to seek freedom by placing boundaries, by seeking help from family members, it was hard, at age 19 I still had to give her my phone at 8 pm and could never close my door, and only had 5 minutes to get dressed or she'd open my door not caring if I was naked or not, this with an adult man that had no relation to me in the house. She kicked me out after I had an autism and anxiety related breakdown and she slapped me, this wasn't the first time she had hit me, but after that she "had enough of my shit", not caring if I didn't have a job or income or any of the sort to even look for a place to stay, as one last bit of trying to control what I did she told me I couldn't go to any family member's house as "I'd only be inconveniencing them". I, of course, went to my aunt's house lmao. There's way more she did when I was younger or just recently, like just 4 days ago I tried to make one last bit of contact after my grandma begged me to, since I'll be leaving my country for 4 years to study abroad and I wanted to give her one last chance, and what did she say to me? "You never asked ME what I thought of you leaving, so why even bother contacting me now?" Her words yet again broke me, but it made me finally come to terms with the fact I was abused. We don't leave our parents because of simple differences in generation opinions or some petty stuff, we leave because there comes a point where something clicks in our brain and we realize just because they birthed us does not mean we have to put up with control and abuse. Hope my story helps someone, just remember, you are worth a lot more than they lead you to believe.

Parents need to step back and think to themselves “What can I do to fix this? What have I done to ruin this relationship?” Not see it as an attack or an act of entitlement; a threat to their “authority.” A child doesn’t cut off a parent for “no reason.” All the adults/teens I know that cut their parents off had every right to, they didn’t feel loved or safe. A parent could abandon/neglect a child at any given moment if they wanted to, they don’t need a reason because THEY are the one that brought the kid here. If someone cut their parent off, that parent HAD to have done something. Kids don’t cut parents off because they WANT to and are ungrateful, they do it to protect themselves…because that’s the only way they can protect their mental and physical health.

reminder that you do not owe your parents anything. They were the ones responsible for bringing you into this world and they do owe you the necessities and love that every child deserves. They don't get to complain about doing the bare minimum when that was a responsibility they signed on for. If they failed you, you do not owe them your love.

I Also wish people talked more about the in-between between pure estrangement and being close with your parent. It seems like we present it as a very binary thing. Either you’re close with your parents, or you’ve cut them off. My parents never abused me, my childhood was overall okay and I am grateful for that. But now that I’m an adult, I just don’t have a compatible personality with my parents. They want me to go to church, they are disappointed that I don’t own a home or have a spouse or kids and I don’t make as much money as they did at my age, and every conversation I have with them always ends in a passive-aggressive means of telling me that my lifestyle is wrong. When I visit them, I have a curfew (I’m 30) and they expect me to tell them EVERYTHING. They were never like this when I was a child. So nowadays, I call them every couple months, catch up, and keep the conversation brief. When they get too old to take care of themselves, I’ll make sure they are in a safe and healthy environment, and I will visit them often. But I will never live with them again.

Great topic! I’m 37, and just realized that all the conversations I’ve had with my parents over the last 10 years about my raising my child/behavioral issues were just to deflect from other family problems that were much bigger. Because of all the toxic behavior from all sides of our families, my husband and I have conversations once in a while about how all we can do is DO BETTER than our parents did. We all owe it to our children to acknowledge it, keep reflecting, and try for their sake.

Adults perpetuate treating children as annoyances or worse, then are surprised when kids push back & then as adults, cut off contact completely. By respecting your children & stop constantly controlling, criticizing & correcting them (which kids get from the overwhelming majority of adults in every sphere), you can have a healthy & long-term relationship with your child instead of thinking of it as a “job”.

Here's what to do if you don't want your kids to disown you: Don't infantilize them, work them to death, disrespect them, interrupt them, not answer simple questions, insult their intelligence, be overly critical over little things, get emotional when they have a simple opinion that's slightly different than yours, be a safety freak, suck them into your tornadoes, and ignore boundaries. Also, try respecting very basic wishes. If you do those things, they won't cut you off and avoid you like crazy. I'm 31 and my mom tends to treat me like I'm still 10 yrs old at times. I've had to take care of her since I was 17 and she refuses to get extra help/physical therapy for fear of Covid and getting robbed blind. She's running me into the ground and everyone my age is way ahead of me in life. Some I've talked to think my mom is taking advantage of me. She and my dad never taught me to stand up for myself and I almost wonder if it was intentional (aka to keep me from rebelling). I really think my mom is guilty of being emotionally manipulative and, albeit unintentionally, being a gaslighter. When the caregiving eventually ends, I want out of the nest and want to be in my personal space so I can finally grow and flourish. Every case is different. Sometimes, it's on the kids. Other times, the parents are responsible.

I tried to cut off my parent early by going to a friend's for college but I got nothing but guilt tripped and gaslit for not wanting to contact them. Depression was already an uphill battle for me and trying to navigate living on my own was near impossible w/ no support system. I ended up moving back in, getting the same abuse & deflection for years until I put myself in the hospital. Nothing has fundamentally changed about our relationship except that we don't have to pay rent anymore because the golden child(re: straight, male) who escaped can support us.

Thank you for posting this video. I grew up in a Korean immigrant family that had delusional expectations for me to succeed. Without hyperbole they passive-aggressively told me on a daily basis: "We work 80hrs a week running a dry cleaners, so you should spend 80hrs a week studying and go to Harvard, marry a nice Korean girl and let us brag that we raised a doctor." I remember throwing up because I got spanked for coming home with anything less than straight A's and crying myself to sleep because I really liked a cute Lebanese girl and wanted to ask out in high school but knew I wasn't allowed to date outside my race and there was no negotiating with authoritarian parents... Well.. I never got into Harvard, I'm really happy with the Turkish woman (Hey, I have a thing for Arab girls) I'm married to now and I may not be a physician my career has really taken off in field I enjoy. The best decision I made was cutting the toxic parents out of my life and never looking back. None of the happiness I have today would be possible if they were still part of my life.

I wonder how many of the estranged parents raised their kids under the banner of "as for me and my house we serve the lord" I'm constantly shocked by how little they remember the abuse they've inflicted, but as they saying goes, the axe forgets but the tree remembers.

I had to cut off my mother around 2018, and last night I had to cut off my father, too. He was charged with felony child abuse. I am struggling to come to terms with my father's actions. How they were not okay by any stretch of the imagination, but I am *still* facing pressure to "get over it" from people I respect and (in some ways) trust. I feel so horribly alone but I am sticking to my guns because I think that it is the right thing to do. Child abuse is wrong, and if nobody else will bring consequences for it, I guess I will have to be the one to do that. Thanks for this video. It made me feel a bit less alone.

Thank you for making this video. I cut off my mom and stepdad at 23 years old, then tried to reconcile, just to be rejected by them just a year later.

Thank you for making this. I had to tell both my parents this year that we don't have relationships and that I won't be spending any time around them because they refuse to use my name and pronouns. I never thought my parents would choose their (bigoted) beliefs over a relationship with their child, but they have. Apparently my pictures have been taken down from the family picture wall and it's honestly really devastating. But I know I deserve to be respected and that I can't have a relationship with them as long as they aren't willing to listen to me and change. I hope everyone else having a hard time this season doesn't feel so alone 🖤 you deserve healthy, loving relationships

thank you for this, there are so many complex feelings involved in being estranged from your parents and it's really helpful to know i'm not alone in dealing with that, especially this time of year. great video!

It took me many many years to finally go NC. My younger step-brother had cut the parents out a few years before for different reasons. I wanted to but was kept back because our larger family seemed to be coming together, who was I to just break that up? But I did 2 years ago now. I didn't make a statement, or say anything, I just stopped calling. When family asked me, I just said I didn't want to talk to her. It was the best thing. Learning that I don't have to forgive someone, no matter how much they might have "changed" or how many times they apologized, or how much people talked about what a different person she was. I had to push my own feelings down for 25 years, and I wasn't gonna do that anymore. I deserve to have space, and not be constantly fighting triggers of the horrible things she had done. Now me and all my step brothers have cut contact, all for different reasons, and we're all much happier for it.

This is… very timely for what's going on with my family. It's honestly so validating to see this video since I generally face so much questioning and guilting from others when I say that I cut ties with my family. I was legit tearing up while watching.