Self help doesn't work when you're the only one trying to make it better. They want the relationship just the way it is. All you have to do is bend to their will in their mind.

Self-help won’t work with a narcissist because they never think there is anything wrong with them. If anything, they’ll be the ones trying to give advice making you feel like there’s something wrong with you.

“It’s like blaming someone’s face for being in the way of another person’s fist.” Exact and profound statement, Dr. Ramani.

Being independent and indifferent is how you should deal with this inconsiderate individual. It's not like the usual healthy relationships.

A physical therapist once told me to stop being a "victim" while I was trapped living with a malignant narcissist. They didn't understand, so I dropped out of therapy.

Self help advice is unfortunately not going to work on a person that has a toxic personality and concrete belief that they are owed and deserve the world endlessly; whilst feeling entitled to destroy others in whatever, whenever, however type of ways.

the excuses i got was "it takes 2 to tango" and "ignore it, it will go away" , 20 years later and no, its still carrying on.

Do not depend on a narcissist for ANYTHING.

No advice is helpful because the narcissist doesn't want to work on a relationship or themselves. They aren't self aware & can't admit to mistakes. They can't compromise. One person can't do all the work while the other does nothing & has no interest in improving the relationship. In fact, if you try, they will use your words against you later, mocking you or being offended & angry because you even suggested they do something different. Intimacy is not their goal, control is what they want.

Decades, absolutely...3 of them. 33 yrs actually. I kept "hoping" he'd wake up and see how he was treating me (& our 3, now adult, children) and change...did he? No, it only worsened over the yrs. The physical violence (to me) wasn't really there. "Hey, at least I don't black out your eyes right? So it can't be that bad." The destruction of our things (sorry, mostly my things), the holes in the walls, the food thrown, oh yes. I kept on hoping...to no avail. The rages kept intensifying, kept getting closer and closer to each other. Then just 5 days after my 52nd birthday (July 20, 2023) and a little over a month away from our 33rd wedding anniversary...he started an "argument," (that of course was all my fault and I apparently started) his rage was beyond terrifying...I told him I wasn't going to engage him in this situation. He then screamed extremely loud "YOU WILL NOT FUCKING IGNORE ME BITCH!" Then proceeded to come out of the bathroom, come to my side of the bed, snatched my cell out of my hand (which was plugged into my charger, it broke off the charger, the charger cord hit my chin...I tried to get up off the bed and leave the room...he shoved me (hard) onto the bed. I tried to get up and vacate again...second time he shoved me back onto the bed (all the while screaming within inches of my face, with the most hatred I ever saw from him, which has been a lot over the yrs)...terrified I reached out for something to protect myself with. It ended up being a power strip that my charger had been plugged into and swung it. I hit him twice with it, to get him away from me. It wasn't my intention to hit him, it was only to get him to move away from me...he did move enough that I was aw to get off the bed. I headed for the bedroom door to get out...he pushed me from behind and I landed on the floor, face down. He then full on punched me twice on the back of my head. I turned and looked up at him and said, "now I am FINALLY fucking done!" To which he said, " yeah, I've heard that a million times before. You deserved that you cunt!" He ended up giving me bruises on the chin (from the charger cord, on my arm where he shoved me, knots on my head and a minor concussion from the punches to the head...I got up, went into the kitchen, he followed still screaming at me. Then he grabbed the truck keys and left...I called the police, signed an emergency protection order and said yes to wanting to press charges. I moved into the 5th wheel that my daughter and son-in-law have (on the same property). Didn't move back into the "main house," again. Then on Dec 8th, moved in with my sister. I am finally getting out and divorcing him. He has yet to believe that this is really it...has told my daughter "if things go to shit here, it's because of your mother and the narcissistic toxicity I have had to put up with all these years." He doesn't see how all 3 of the kids were there for all of this growing up...saw the abuse, dealt with their own abuse from him...and yet it's my fault for all of this. "Everybody is going to see what I've had to put up with all these years!" Oh man, there's so much more that could be said but I've said a lot here already. I'm beyond ready to truly start my healing journey...to finally figure out who I am. Never got the chance, met him at 17, came from an abusive family into his abuse. How do I even begin to figure out who I am. I'm 52, I have NO desire whatsoever to get close to another person like that again. Maybe friends but absolutely nothing more. He had ruined any thoughts of things of that nature. He can go have all "the strange" he wants...to me, he's just another person on the street. I no longer care what happens to him...good, bad or ugly. I know that's a step in the right direction. Now I can only hope and pray that I no longer hear his voice (& words) in my head all the time...the self-gaslighting is horrible, hard to stop...but after being conditioned for so long...how do you stop?! Ok, ok...now I really am shutting up. Those of you that actually read this to the end, thank you for listening. I pray for each and every one of us.

I thought I'd found a friend to share the tragedy of my narcissistic relationship that I'm stuck in. After a few weeks of sharing my stories, they began to tell me how I've contributed to my situation. I no longer consider them a friend. Period.

Narcissists have a bottomless well of needs that you couldn't fill if you worked at it 24 hours a day. If their coping strategy is picking fights and creating chaos, it will happen no matter what you do or don't do

I’ve been gaslit shamed and blamed so much for the abuse and harassment I experienced that I barely trust anyone and tend to isolate. Learning to find safe people and not take on the shame/blame. Thank you Dr Ramani❤

This is so true. Nothing worked until I realised I was in an abusive relationship.

It's hard enough getting good advice on narcissistic relationships. In my case the two people that have tried to "help" with my narcissistic family and narcissistic abuse were themselves narcissists. An absolute total nightmare.

OMG THANK YOU! Somebody needed to call this out, because it is crazy-making when well-meaning therapists, friends, or family all keep giving the same generic platitudes about love and life. Not only is it not helpful at all, it shames the victim and keeps them stuck thinking that if they could just figure out how to be good enough or conduct themselves in just the right way, then they would have a loving, respectful, caring relationship. Like cracking a code or solving a riddle. But, NO! The whole point is the abuse! Their idea of love is getting you to continue to accept their abuse. Whenever you find yourself trying to convince someone to treat you with kindness and respect, STOP. You deserve kindness and respect from the git. People are worthy of being treated with kindness and respect no matter how flawed. Narcs get in your head. They convince you that you deserve their disdain, betrayal, dismissal, bullying etc. They use triangulation, gaslighting, whataboutism, exaggerate your words to distort the point, shaming put-downs, silent treatment, you name it. They are a hydraheaded manipulation machine. The only way to win is to not play the game. Leave. Quietly. Do not give them any emotional reaction at all. You tears and rage only feed them. I promise, they do not feel bad for hurting you no matter how well you explain it to them. It is pointless to continue to exhaust yourself trying to explain something to someone who is absolutely COMMITTED to not understanding. You will not inspire them to see you or feel for you. If they are sad, they are only sad for themselves. And because they cannot truly feel for another, they cannot love. It's sad but true. Love without empathy is just want. They "love" you only as far as what you add to their life. Like you'd love a car or any other object. Real love is caring for and valuing another's well-being. Ironically, the truth in narcissists not being capable of love might bring you some peace as you work through the rage over all the ways they took advantage of you, betrayed you, and used you. They are pathetic, miserable, and small behind the smoke and mirrors. I mean, imagine waking up every morning having to be a sack of shit like them. Take comfort that you are not them. They are their own punishment. You can take solace in that.

Financial independence is the only way to free from narcissistic relationship. Self-help, motivation advices don't work if you have no opportunity to work with small kids or disabled kids for example. And also if you have a physical illness or old to get a job. At that times outside support is essential. Thanks Dr. Ramani❤

The narcissist who was in my relationship was a literal soul destroyer. He obviously never had one! My sister said ' I am fed up with you, you're like a long playing record, when you gonna learn to take the rough wth the smooth you cant have it all your own way......pfft. I am now estranged from my sister, and this, was during the most vulnerable time in my relationship with the evil swine I was living with.

Thank you for all you do for the narcissist survivors. You are the only one I go to for advice and logical solutions.

The “pick your battles.” Advice definitely turned me into a doormat.

Oh yes I couldn't agree more. There's nothing that worse than somebody who 'plays psychogist' with a relationship they don't understand and where what they advising doesn't fit.

I've read relationship advice and often wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship where life was that nice and with problems that easy to solve.

I was just thinking about this last night. I have always been a proponent of counseling and it has helped me grow and learn so much about myself. But it just hit me that what sent me to counseling the majority of the time was the confusion of my marriages. 😳 I was with my first husband 22yrs and my second for 15yrs and I had never heard of narcissism until a few years ago. It made so much sense that I was dealing with that. 😢❤️🙏 But I am happily single and have love and peace in my home.

I agree 100% because this is the main source of my anger when the topic is "self love and self help" because the more I tried to understand their side and give them space the more it was stolen from me and I was taught to give all of me and accept whatever I could get, so this kind of self help talk drains us more than helps us. And to somene who's been taught to be a neverending well to others, but never a well to yourself, thus kind of advice and "self help/everyone changes for the better" talk actually makes us try to dig a well out of a grave/dry soil. Nothing grows out of it.

Years ago in my decades long marriage to a narcissist, our therapist taught me to place my back against a wall, seated, and make a "container" for my then husband when he raged. Him seated, his back to my chest and my arms to be around him he would shake and tremble and complain and rage. Now I know it was abusive. It fed the narcissist a supply of me, my love and kindness. So very very dysfunctional and I later learned and witnessed how he was astute at turning this on and off. Sick. I cradled him to feel safe and be heard and he played me and the therapist like a fiddle.

When the narcissist is in a raging fit, I don’t get “ONE” word in! If I’m in the car with him, all Hell breaks and I’m trapped, so now I tape him and play it back for him. I am saving his raging fits on a drive for the future when I’m accused of being the crazy one. I can’t go on anymore and I’m looking for my way out! It’s the only thing I have left for freedom. Walk away!!!❤

Usually I 'pause' because I am gobsmacked and trying to make sense the word salad and gaslighting being thrown at me. The pause only gives him space to throw something new at me before I have even had time to process the previous statements. Crazy making.

OMG how true. I read multiple relationship help books, personal growth for myself, techniques to love right etc etc etc, until I realized there are TWO parties involved. Thank You Dr. Ramani 🙏it took me 30 years to find you ❤

As a survivor of narcissistic abusive relationship and someone who specializes in working with mothers of narcissistic abuse, I want to provide some guidance on this topic. First and foremost, it's important to understand that narcissists often lack the capacity for empathy and genuine self-reflection, making it incredibly difficult for them to change their behavior. Instead of trying to fix or change the narcissist, it's crucial for individuals in these relationships to prioritize their own well-being and safety. This may involve seeking professional help, setting boundaries, and ultimately considering leaving the relationship for their own mental and emotional health. In addition, it's important for victims to seek support from trusted friends, family, or mental health professionals who understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse and can provide tailored guidance and support. I hope this helps shed some light on this complex and challenging issue. If you or someone you know is struggling in a narcissistic relationship, please know that there is help and support

I had a friend who was toxically positive. HAD a friend. Discussing anything with her was brutal, trying to get me to accept another narcissistic relationship I wanted to leave. So, I left both the relationship and the friendship. I am at peace over all of it. Ridiculous.

This really resonates with me after a long marriage of 40 years. Could just never believe that it wasn't something that I could fix. Wish that I knew then what I know now!

And the only thing that gets on pause in a narc relationship... is your own life, your sanity and wellbeing....😥

For many years we have heard about looking within, being nice and good, and that our thoughts cause things to happen, that we neglected ourselves in how others treat us. There is nothing wrong with my energy. And I see that we need to pay attention to what we think and how we feel. Some relationships need to be left behind us. Period.

23:20 you cannot look within yourself until you are educated about what it's also outside of you, so you can make an informed decision. The 'positivity' folks leave that rather important bit out.

When you have c PTSD from narcissistic abuse the bubblegum pop culture advice from people who've never been physically, emotionally or financially harmed by their partner or parent do not help but serve as a reminder that making it through another day is a victory.

So glad you talk about this! I tried it all and learned that I'm not good enough/not worth it. I kept trying until I tried to end my life. I'm at a much better place right now. Divorce 2022 and healing! Thank you so much for all your help! Greetings from Austria! 💜 💜💜💜💜

People with Complex PTSD especially ones raised with a narcissistic parent(s) have one heck of time dealing with narcissistic partners. It’s a crazy pants life! Living life always waiting for the other shoe to drop 😳

Being a healthcare professional myself, am quite skeptical of therapists in general~ having observed clients left needing therapy to get over therapy, being many therapist are wackos themselves. BUT, finding myself duped by a master narc, I got so tired of being 'the strong one' & finally did reach out for help. Thank goodness I did & am ALIVE today to share this with all of you. Wow, I ate some crow & literally saved my life.

Self-help advice often falls short for those in narcissistic relationships as it may overlook the unique dynamics of manipulation and emotional abuse. Narcissists undermine self-esteem, making it challenging to implement empowering strategies. The complex power imbalances and psychological tactics employed by narcissists require specialized support beyond general self-help guidance. Effective intervention often involves professional assistance and understanding the nuances of narcissistic behavior.

There's two wires in the narcissist's brain that shouldn't be touching. That explains their behavior and there is nothing you can do, even Dr. Ramani can't pop their hood and give them a tune up. 😅😂🤣

My narcissist is my adult daughter who 'punishes' me by withholding my only grandchildren from me. They are my only family so it's very painful. I tried everything for decades: therapy, self help, even Al-anon - because I wanted to have a relationship with my grandkids. I finally decided to walk away - and just process through the feelings of guilt, grief, my powerlessness in this situation - which tooks months. I'm now on the other side. I feel stronger. I'm 63 and I just couldn't take the stress anymore. After decades of wrangling with my daughter - I'm finally free of that trauma bond which I found was generational. Thanks for the public service of these videos.

I love this video. Your information on narcissism and how to deal with. It has enlightened me to a point where I am happy for the first time in my life. I’m 75 years old. And I can’t thank you enough.❤

The only thing that ever works is asking the simple question, "Do you want to live the rest of your life in this living hell?" At some point, the victim will make a decision. Hopefully, sooner than later.

I never like to encourage the culture of suing and medical malpractice because it adds to the cost for all of us. However, I believe the jury is in, and the knowledge is prevalent regarding the effects toxic people have on others, especially in a relationship. For 27 years, I attended marriage counseling off and on, trying to fix my relationship with a narcissistic husband. I was given so much input to try harder, be the instigator of goodness, stand by my man😂 etc, and it cost thousands of dollars. It further damaged my mental health by making me feel I was the problem, plus it encouraged me to hang in there and try to mend a toxic relationship. At one time in the dark ages of medical history, leeches were used to bleed people out to "cure" them. The mental health equivalent is therapy that fails to take into account the reality and effect of narcissism on family members. Maybe if mental health realized this for what it is, malpractice, outcomes would improve for patients.

Back for the daily Ramani shot. It keeps me from forgetting my goal is Radical Acceptance. Thank you, can't wait for my pre-ordered book.

I wish I knew any of this when leaving the narc family & marriage. It feels so naive & shameful as an adult in my 20’s & early thirties. I followed self help books, couples counseling, and bad advice from friends until I was physically in so much danger.

Hi Dr Ramani, I just wanted you to say thank you so much for your recognition of NPD and validation. ive been the scapegoat all my life and realised im heavily SURROUNDED by narcissists. I dissociate more often on educating myself about npd and what actually happened in my childhood was so dark and sinister, but i come to your channel for relief and sanity because it feels like you’re the only sane person in my life and you inspire me to raise awareness ❤

As soon as I figured out that person was a narc, and it took a few months, I decided that evil had no place in my life. Not allowed to affect my mental health, my peace.

Best place for a narcissist - in your rear view mirror !!!

I love you your the best therapist on you tube. You understand thank you for letting me feel I'm not crazy.everyday.......

So real! I share your frustration with this kind of advice. After some 20 years of avoiding my malignant narcissist mother, I'm so fed up with this kind of advice.

This is another great topic of life lessons learned 😅. I cannot count how many self help books I have read over 21 years of marriage, but the last two were the ones that made me realize I can't fix this. One of them was called Love and Respect, and the other one was for spicing up up your love life. I thought he would stop having affairs if I were better in bed. It suggested a two day weekend of doing nothing but giving your partner love, touch, affection and attention. ( I knew from experience he would not go for that and would make me miserable trying to get out of it.) The Love and Respect book threw me into complete and utter hopelessness after trying those suggestions. My marriage lasted 21 years with me thinking I was doing it wrong and trying every suggestion.

My narcissist ex loved buying self-help books. Too bad he literally never opened them. He just liked to spend money so he could pretend he was working on himself!

Brilliant compilation. So many of us in this community are suffering from tested relationship advice that does not work in toxic relationships. Thank you so much for the level of detail you go into in your explanations. You are so good at this, Dr. Ramani.

A good friend of mine pointed out that the ruminating desperation to understand what happened and why was the cart before the horse. His advice was to accept that until events can be reflected on dispassionately, it would be dwelling, and the lessons would escape me. Great advice, as one often caught up in my monkey brain, this gave me the insight to let things go until I could see clearly.

Individual problems are not relationship problems, they are individual problems. Choose a loving, honest, transparent partner who admits their part and grows. Only accept healthy individuals into your inner world. Take your time getting to know a person slowly based on actions over time. Wishing you well! 💖

I'm a professional Psychic Medium, and I've given countless readings in which the advice was to accept that the other person is toxic/narcisstic, etc and get out as soon as realistically possible. My readings do not give false hope

For me, it was my church that was the enabling system that kept me in it so long. ( 27 years). They did not have the discernment to see through my narcissist and really help me. Even though it was my pastor that finally helped define that he was a narcissist and he supported our separation, ultimately I had to leave that church because I couldn’t trust them any longer.

Thank you, Dr Ramani. So many of your videos are full of valuable information and expressed in a easily digestible manner. This video is no exception and is needed by many for a simple validation of our experiences. This video along with your vids on Betrayal Trauma, explains all of the things that no matter how many times you may try to explain to others, they cannot understand. Thank you Dr. Ramani. You will never get the praise or feedback necessary to know how many people you have helped and how much you have helped. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world.

23:38 When a person's reality is being denied, or they are not being shown basic human empathy, or they're being invalidated, exactly how are they supposed to take responsibility and control? It's like blaming someone's face for being in the way of another person's fist.

Seriously, the best thing I learned to do was walk away. It seemed counter productive, but it is the only thing that works with someone who is NOT looking for resolution. Really sad how well it works to walk away when you feel like there's a way to solve the conflict. It's not about the conflict.

Disclaimers on advice articles is a very good idea. Psychology has kind of turned into a blind-faith cult of an industry. I’ve seen it be dangerous to friends.

When I finally decided to speak on my experiences with my mother and older sister, I sought help from my college free counseling services. The first time speaking with the counselor he listened and immediately said that I was the scapegoat. Upon ending our call he said to be careful of not adapting a victim mindset. I really don’t like the shaming of people expressing their angst. I wasn’t sure how I was being a victim, I just wanted someone to tell me if I was crazy or not. However, the counselor wanted me to believe if I changed, they, as in my mom and sister in return would change. I was not convince. I have jumped through hoops, minimize my feelings, appeased them, tolerated their hurtful comments for 20+ years. I have not scheduled another session since. I rather read and become knowledgeable about narcissism and learning how to set stronger boundaries and heal from the emotion strain these relationships has caused.

So many of the toxically positivity and other negatives were deployed by the therapist that was supposed to be helping me with narcissistic abuse. And she would do all of that right before devaluing me and being classically narc.

Unless the self-help is saying "Go full no-contact", it's not useful advice. Going full no-contact with the narcissist is the best possible solution

So spot on! Attempts at conventional self-help results in the shouting narcissist's obstinacy: "I AIN'T changin' for nobody!", "You CAN'T tell me what to do!", "You can't STOP me from doing anything!" In a "battle of wills": It's nearly-impossible to lead that (narcissistic, bucking) horse to water, let alone, I dare anyone, to try to "make it drink it!"

One hallmark of bad advice is that the advisor charges a lot of money for it. Charging for research, writing a book, or hourly attention is often necessary to pay the bills, but anyone who knows how to alleviate suffering knows it is not for sale, but shared with grace. Otherwise, the wealthy would all be happy and whole, instead of insatiable frantic hoarders of excess anything. Another hallmark of bad advice is avoiding the hard truth. You can do a lot more with a hard truth than with an easy lie. Is it almost February? I pre-ordered your new book months ago. Bravo to you for your courage and wisdom to illuminate the path of life with narcissists, and for doing it freely. Take good care of yourself, Dr. Ramani as you proceed down the road less taken. Love and lightning from Holland, namaste🌷🙏🌈

For me, it is when is the next rage going to start 😢

Allmost everyday you upload new video,this Doc. is hardworking.thanks alot.20 days ++ learning from you min. 1 video a day and im 60% recover.God bless you and youre family.

Absolutely! What doesn’t help is that people misuse terms like narcissism so when it is genuinely used, people don’t believe you because “oh that term again.” It takes away from the dialogue around narcissism.

When I began watching you videos on Narcissism I was done with trying to fix myself (life long effort). I was just trying to understand the world we live in and the word narcissism was being thrown around a lot. What a rabbit hole! Turns out it explained so much of my past relationships. Thank you for this channel. ❤

these past few months as I am being hunted by such a creature, (i can not swat in clarity a fly), you have been a straight talking embrace. I have felt affirmed and buttressed in my unnatural firmness after watching many, many of your freely offered videos on youtube, my goodness you are a special human. But also i see the residuals of eureka, your life so far, you share so well , Translation from respect to your quality videos gifted to all in these few months after finding your sharing's and becoming part of your audience. The strength of your truth and your annoyance cojoined , I love ya girl, well done

"Listen, you cannot look within yourself until you are educated about what is also outside of you, so you can make an informed decision. The positivity folks leave that rather important bit out "

Dr Ramani - I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous since 1986. I've always been pushed to reconcile and subjugate my needs for my adult narcissistic child in the program based on 12 Step language. I was encouraged to stay engaged with her and just 'use the steps' to manage the abuse. Wrong wrong wrong! I've had to reprogram myself and I lost some recovery friends who kept gaslighting me on this situation. Since a lot of narcissistic abuse survivors self-medicate on drugs or alcohol - many of them end up in recovery when their lives bottoms out and are often pushed to AA by the narcissist - and then they end up trapped into being gaslit on both ends. Always forced to look at 'my part' when insanity ensues IS insanity. God I wish you could address this thorny topic which nobody wants to address.

Thank you for pointing out that "self-care" can be more problematic than helpful. I've been working out hw friends can support my self-care without inadvertently shaming me.

My friend's wife has NPD. He's been with her for 10 years. He recently endured a very abusive event. I've been hearing about these incidents for the entire relationship and have witnessed many of them. I told him a few days ago that he is in a narcissistic abusive relationship. He got extremely anxious, upset at me, and then left. I don't know how much longer I can stay friends with him anymore. He said he'll never leave her. I can't continue to sit back and hear these stories. To witness someone I care about being abused. It's also heartbreaking to see how it's impacted his children.

The expression "It takes two to fight" is very abusive when thrown at victims of narcissist abusers. People blame women for staying with batterers and ultimately getting beaten to death but when they reach out for help they are blamed for not doing enough to keep their abuser happy. When my now ex boyfriend finally did get physically violent I didn't bother reporting him as I knew that if I showed people the bruise he would probably take me to court claiming that it was self defense even though it clearly wasn't. Whatever happened it would have been my fault. I went through the evil court system before with my abusive ex father and they blamed me instead of him even though I was under nine years old and witnesses agreed he was abusive to me. I don't want to go through that with any boyfriend. So when I was hit I waited patiently and left and refused to come back. Then I tried to breakup. He didn't want to so I went through couples therapy with him and acted like I was suffering from a mental version of obcessive compulsive disorder until he couldn't handle it and finally agreed to break up. At least I don't have to go through a cage fight with my ex boyfriend as I convinced him I was too exhausting and more trouble than I'm worth! If you want the narcissist to leave you alone you must convince them to dump you. The best way I found is verbally arguing and obcessing over nothing like the Rainman. These abusers do get tired quickly. Once they dump you thank a higher power and go no contact. Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.

WHOA. I've always been a self-help girlie and I've been beating myself up why I always end up in square one, no matter how much self-will I muster up and start doing things. Thank you for this vid. I'm only 1 second in, but the title alone took away so much burden from myself. I'll continue watching now. 😇

I feel this episode is so relevant to the harm that can be caused by therapists who don't' consider the dynamics of people with personality disorders - especially in couples therapy. I visited a couples therapist who follows and ascribes to the guidelines of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) based on the book Hold Me Tight. EFT is all the rage in couples therapy today. Try as we did (or didn't) - things never really improved. My advice to anyone in couples therapy who is not experiencing relationship improvements after 6 months is to become EDUCATED ABOUT NARCISSISM - especially covert passive aggressive narcissism - to explore whether this could be the source of you and your partners/troubles issues. Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissism seems to be something that slips by the couples therapists and therapists in general. For the people pleasers of the world , becoming educated about NPD this could change the trajectory of your life.

Thank God many people have never experienced narcissistic abuse! Of course, how can they validate the person who has been abused by a narcissist?

I have a lot against the self help industry in general it being only for neurotypicals , people who haven’t been abuses and generally for wealthy people not really for those who struggle. Not to mention the about of grifting and people who probably are narcissists themselves in that field ( if you call it that). But at the end of the day i think we can give people pointers on how to better themselves but it isnt linear and at the end of the day self help people need to point out these methods worked for them but they may not be for everyone

My friend recommended the love languages book to me. I bought it and he agreed he would also read it. So, I read it first. Then, when it was his time to read it, he read a few pages, then he stopped reading. He said he already knew about all of this, but of course, he didn't change. It wasn't a waste of time for me to read the book, though. My current partner and I are both physical touch people, and it is really wonderful.

Me giving him the benefit of doubt was the worst 😢

My narc ex had boxes of self-help books and used them as weapons on all her exes and baby daddies.

I remember the attempted date night fix. After the 2nd one, I recall, after 2 hours of non-stop criticism, calmly saying that this wasn't working for me and that I had no desire to continue doing these 'belittle my spouse' pretend dates and that something needed to change. Last date night that we did together, although not her last date, lol. The cheating escalated then, even to the point of taking her then boyfriend to a company xmas party, presenting him as me. Classic.

Welcome Dr Ramani you healed me alot

Yes, if I stop and just listen, he says I'm being the victim, and it is me that manipulates all situations.

I bought and read Dr Laura's book on the proper care and feeding of husbands but her disclaimer that stated it was not applicable for certain situations (i.e. abuse) went right over my head because I didn't know he was a narcissist and I certainly did not think I was being 'abused' because he never hit me. SMH

This is true l learnt the hard way.

Thank you so much Dr Ramani. Blessings and peace to everyone 🙏

Awesome and clear analogy🙌🦋🥰💃

Yay, Dr. Ramani posted ❤

The descriptions of situations and comparisons in the video are very true. I think healing from a narcissistic relationship that lasted many years is a long, slow process. It's great to receive information, but it can take a long time to process it...radical acceptance. thank you dr. Ramani for all your videos which we very much!!! they help❤️ on the road to recovery. I've been following them for almost 3 years, although I can't keep up with all of them 😁.

Love you Dr. Ramani! Thank you ❤

From my experience. They use your love against you. When that love is finally exhausted they lose control over you. If for whatever reason you decide to stay, from that point onward you can take back control. Hobbies, education, career training, friendship's and eventually escape plans. Life takes on meaning again after years / decades of being lost to yourself. You experience a spiritual awakening so profound that you won't even recognise yourself. A deep sensation of calm positive self belief descends upon you.

Of topic, but I just want to tell you that I just got hooverd by my ex after two years of no contact and thanks to all these videos I knew exactly why he called and never even considerd buying in to his bullshit!

Keep drinking that matcha..... excellent video! Very helpful and keeping it very real.

Struggling with self-care hits home. I've been wondering how to even do that, thinking I don't remember learning that growing up. But when you mentioned the hypervigilance that makes self-care difficult, I resonated with that. I am aware that I have been worried about disrobing and taking a shower since I let these homeless Christians in my house. I never felt right about letting them in, and when they unmasked and revealed their Narcissism, I suddenly understood what I was dealing with. I can't get them out, and I have lost myself living in the terror of their next surprise attack.

"New Age hooey" love you Dr. Ramani! 🤣

Yes, the last few years of our 25 year marriage I totally went into toxic positivity land. It ate me alive.