"The version of yourself that you are within the relationship that you're afraid of committing to" That's it!!

I think my biggest fear is losing my moments of alone time that I absolutely need. Pure, unguilted, leave me alone, ALONE TIME. I need to be clear about this boundary I think, but I feel like it's not an acceptable one :/ Saying that, I'm actually fairly confident my new partner would actually accept it and has said she would.

If I hadn't been introduced to Attachment Theory a few months ago, and watched about 50 of your videos, my head would have literally exploded watching this video. My not knowing why I love my wife so strongly yet finding myself doing things to pull away from her was so confusing and I definitely felt the shame you describe in this video. Carl Jung says "Until you bring the unconscious into the conscious, it will rule your life, and you will call it fate." is so true. You do a great job helping me learn about myself in a very helpful way!

Heidi is back with a vengeance

Had to take notes bc it just resonated so much at this point in my relationship:,) Fear of Commitment - a rational fear - like a food aversion to an ingredient in a smoothie What is the fear telling you? 1. Don’t gaslight yourself * Not other person fear of committing to, but afraid of committing to the version of yourself that you are in the relationship! * In which way are you not being authentic? What are you hiding? * What energy (social role) in myself do I need a break from playing around them? 2. Disgust responses “ick” = what you don’t like about relationship * Does NOT mean they/I are inherently shameful and should be altogether rejected! * Just an indication of something we don’t want to consume :) * Nonjudgmental view: Underneath, there must be some sort of pain/negative emotion w useful information * What is it that you do not like about this? (Ex: are they in their child-self at this moment? Looking to you for protection? You are playing parent role? Are you growing to resent this parent role you have to play?) * Do u want a parent figure that doesn’t show any vulnerability? 3. Consistently align inner and outer world * How often are u feeling positive vs. negative body sensations near partner? * Which situations are you not showing up authentically? * Zoned out moments indicate strong repressed emotions * Try to check in what you are resisting! What is pissing you off about that moment? * What would happen if you shared your authentic feeling at that moment? How would they react? (Even if you feel it’s not valid enough to bring up?) - This is a feeling of self-abandonment, something you are not bringing authentically in the relationship! (Feeling of wearing a mask) 4. What does “NO” feel like in your body? * If can’t set boundaries, body will feel terrified to commitment = committing to life of chronic self abandonment :( * When we say YES when we mean NO, greater chasm exists between reality and inner state = more dissociative of present moment * When present and receptive to person in front of them, feel more loving w opportunities presented and more authentic, and less fear commitment (bc showing up as self) 5. What type of person would you feel excited to commit to long term? * Needs a lot of work from yourself * If you are anxious and want someone competent, will not find that in secure partner (bc they will have own vulnerabilities and need YOU to serve as a secure base, just as frequently as YOU need that!) * Work on regulating your emotions on a consistent basis * Make meaningful compromises for partner’s needs, if value the relationship in a meaningful way * Don’t act like a victim = Have to decide to be there! They aren’t just pursuing you! * Work on these muscles: Vulnerability & Self Responsibility :) 6. What have you defined as commitment as a child? * Ex: thinking/internalizing that having children means not being in touch w self * Do you have preconceived ideas of what it means to have/be a lifelong partner? * What ways have you told yourself that you HAVE to show up to be in this role? * Can you challenge if these are really true? * Partnerships should be direct extensions of who we authentically are! * Being more authentic = taking poisonous things out of smoothie = fear of commitment drops away :)

Heidi, you truly have a gift and a talent for explaining complex attachment ideas to the masses in a way that is easily digestible, supportive, direct, entertaining, and inspiring. There are thousands of people in the world who feel like you "get" them on a level that no other human does. Thank you immensely for what you do. You are making the world a better place by helping so many of us heal. ❤😊

I stopped consuming this kind of content a while ago because I felt like I was circling the drain and growing more resentful. It felt like getting preached at and a religion forming more than anything, and I knew the tenants. You have a unique way of encouraging the viewer to make the connections themselves while you educate them thoroughly about concepts. It's brilliant.

You are like the bigger sister I never had but desperately needed.

Dayuuuummm... what an interesting perspective on fear of commitment! Epiphany. I have shamed myself for feeling like a failure in my last serious relationship, for not responding perfectly to my partner when he was super vulnerable. I would push him away, disassociate/not be present, act coldly, etc. in response to feeling uncomfortable with being put in a parent role.

This is something I’ve been trying to figure out about myself for the last months. Why do I feel disgust again at someone I’m dating when logically I know they’re beautiful and intelligent and caring. I felt soo bad about that disgust. I realised I was pretending to be someone at times that I am not. I realised my reaction to blame the other is wrong and there must be something I’m doing that is causing this. This video helped me to see what it is exactly. Thanks soo much for this amazing content!! Life saver 😊❤️

As an avoidant, I deeply believe that in order to get into a relationship I need to hold my emotions - because how would I be accepted and loved being angry at times or having boundaries? That’s why I’m single for the last two years and working on my self because I don’t want to neglect me fears. My latest success is not getting into a relationship with a new met woman even though she’s seems okay and she wanted that. We stayed friends and I am so happy with that.

Your description of the doughy eyes partner made me make a face of disgust, before you finished the description. But honestly that is a great insight, that it might not be the fear of commitment to the partner, but it might also be a true hint of a person that is craving to be nurtured like a small and helpless child, in a way that you are not comfortable with on all occasions. And on the subject of how we internalizse our view of certain relations. I just recently realized, that the way i think about relations is: Do i need one or can i manage without? Disregarding or minimizing the fact that i actually always long for relationships, whether i feel unassailable and independent or have an episode of confusion about me being around others. But the longing is not to have a relationship in itself, the longing is to explore the uniqueness of another character that is my equal, and to challenge the fears that may arise. Also there is a longing to express the person one has become, an finally see it being received as authentic, and not an worn mask. And i knew this, but still my internalized view was dominant, and there it was reduced to 'management'. A convenience. A friend surprised me once by stating that if it was allowed he would visit gladiatorial games, and see people slaughter each other for amusement. We had a life long relationship. When i said that that was horrible and deeply unethical, he said, 'your always the prude one'. With rolling eyes. Imagine being around someone since childhood and have the insight, that he views you as prudent, for not lusting for strangers blood. Sometimes the separation of our relationships, when we speak up, is long overdue.

I swear Heidi each of your recent videos are SO helpful for me! "How to stop being needy" and now "how to stop fearing commitment". All the problems I've faced. You're an angel in my life rn. "A healthy relationship is when two individual take care of their own needs and meet the needs of the other person which they have explicitly agreed upon" ❤

The best indicator of just how spot on this video is - is that my brain was constantly trying to zone out the whole way through it: - C'm on, brain, we need to learn to process our emotions the right way! - No-no-no-no-no, no, no way, nope. We're going to go make some tea and ignore this nasty feeling of the absolute relevance of this video to our predominant emotional responses. I have spoken, and now I take my leave! Had to pause and re-watch, heh... )

Jeeze Priebe, I can't believe you put this high caliber material out here for free. The 'disgust response', I forgot all about having that as a kid. Yeah, major commitment issues! Will checkout, 'Radical Honesty'.

The fear of committing to being my imagined future self clicked immediately for me. That's exactly what I do. I'm so bad about it that the moment a girl seems to start expressing any sort of interest in me, my brain immediately goes like 30-40 years in the future to some imagined nightmarish outcome with her, and I turn avoidant and a bit resentful of her to the point a relationship never even has a chance to start. Never even been on a single date in my life. It's wild how I do this over and over and never learn.

This video has blown my mind!!! I'm dismissive avoidant. I can't seem to go past the third date without ending things abruptly because I feel trapped at the idea of a relationship. Based on these points, should I work on moving towards a secure attachment through therapy etc before I look at dating again? Also I don't like the idea of having kids either because I assume I will have to give up my whole life for them and I wouldn't feel free!

As a fearful-avoidant, this is so so spot on and so very helpful. Thank you so much

This explained my fear of commitment so so so well. I recently left my loving partner of 10 years because he proposed. I'm not sure if it was the right decision, but I'm 100% sure that I did not show up as my authentic self in the relationship, and it makes so much sense to me that this would be the source of the fear! He has taken on the role as a parent and I the childlike victim, not a very nice foundation for an adult relationship. I really struggle getting out of the dynamic. There is SO much to unpack here and work on.

This video was truly life changing for me! I have been learning about my avoidant attachment for awhile now and even though it has been so enlightening (& finally given me some hope) there were pieces that I was missing but just didn’t connect for me. The way you explain the self-abandoning and the (ICK, Deactivate, Shame, Retreat, Remask & Reengage) cycle just hit every nerve I have about this. I literally took 8 pages of notes and am going to create at least 2 Worksheets (so far) for myself to help with building my discernment, not to mention ask myself all of the questions you proposed. I’ve only listened to this ONE video of yours and am blown away by how much deeper my introspection has gotten (or at least begun to). I have a renewed sense of hope. Thank you for your thorough, detailed and very succinct way of explaining this! ❤❤❤❤

I found you a week ago and listened to most of the videos I was interested in and literally today I realised that the fear of commitment (which I sometimes in my mind turn into pride of independence) is my problem and I was thinking if you will make a video about it. And here you are :) I don’t know if you read the comments on the older videos so I’ll say it again: you’re doing much better job at explaining the complexity of the subject than many certified therapists on KZfaq. It is clear that you understand the subject and you can explain really clearly. Thank you.

Can you please expand someday on ego defenses, and generally the concepts around ego? You have the gift of explaining these complex concepts in a really easy to understand manner. As a side note - the part about fear of commitment being actually fear of what you become when you are with another person really hit home for me. I have noticed for a while that I sort of change personalities when I'm in an intimate situation. However, as a fearful-avoidant, I don't become the parent-like figure, but my anxious, child-like self. So much so, that in the past I would regress into demanding attention and certain behavior. My thinking changes along with my overall perspective of life. I don't know if I'm imagining this, but I can somewhat look at myself from another angle and notice being a slightly different personality. I have also caught myself listening to older music from my teen/adolescent years, which I normally won't do and I have noticed in the past as a sign of something going weird in my brain. Overall all this I think is related to these ego states that I don't understand at all, also because I lack the education about it.

Wow. I've had to stop and return to this video because the first 4 minutes completely got me! 👀🤯

Heidi, forgive me if I’ve commented this already, but I think it every video. Please please please do a video for ROCD/Relationship Anxiety sufferers. Your content is invaluable. We need you!

Another absolute BANGER of a video, seriously.

This was so good. For a long time all I heard about avoidant attachment was a third-person narrative about what was going on in the mind of an avoidant, which made it difficult for me to understand what was going on with avoidant people. But listening to your perspective as someone coming out of avoidant attachment, so many lightbulbs are going off for me. Thank you for this beautiful piece of much needed work❤

You make everything make sense. Thank you Heidi! ❤

You don't know, how much you have helped me.

Commitment is an ever changing concept in a relationship because people change all the time. I believe we are always committed from the start in relationships, but unfortunately some relationships start too soon, before two people truly know each other.

As usual 🤯 I really appreciate the perspective you bring- thank you for sharing ❤️

Brilliant. So fascinating

I need to watch more of your videos Heidi. Thank you for creating them for us!!

This was *so* good.

Incredible video! ❤

Wow this is so impressive to know these different responses that one can have as an avoidant person. I really appreciate your work

This is really enlightening.

This is so great... very helpful!

This is the best insight into the mind of someone with an avoidant attachment!

Heidi you are amazing! You have no idea how much you’ve helped me heal ❤

Your videos are getting deeper and deeper and helping me heal. Thank you!❤

Amazing work on self and perfect description ...much Love

She always offers sooooo much more than the title implies! I love you Heidi! So grateful.🤩

That disgust part was so spot on omg... Another mind-blowing video! Thank you, Heidi!

Golden content!

I found your channel and your profound expertise to be so very helpful to eventually understand a lot of things. Work begins! Thank you.

Needed this!!

Wow! Things are clicking! I find myself very anxious in some relationships, avoidant in others, and both in select relationships. I didn't understand the dusgust I had for a partner I've never lived more than anyone but it makes sense now that it was because he was showing childishness and I was resentful for often having to take care of him

Heidi your ideas are so unique and on point! We have the same personality type and i have never thought of it in this way before. I definitely struggle to show up for myself consistently and always feel like i must take care of everyone.

HOLY SMOKES HEIDI!!! Watching this video with the idea of showing this to my avoidant partner is you guessed it - GIVING ME SKY ROCKETING ANXIETY!!! Talk about my fear of abandonment coming straight up to the surface fearing he'll leave me once he realizes (if he realizes that is) that I'm NOT someone he actually wants to commit to LOL. Using humor to get me through this scariness, but I know this video is something that will ultimately encourage him to show up more as his authentic self, which is something under all my anxiety that I wish for him out of pure genuine love at the end of the day... Thank you for this slap in the face!

So good!!!

You're amazing! It's hard to find on youtube someone so articulate, helpful, and conveying so much information in such a small space as you. I wish I had a friend like you :3

Thx. Super interesting video.

hi heidi! ❤ thank you for this one, it’s like you are speaking for all my parts that are gasping for breath. i feel fear but also i realize it’s the only way forward, which is to be authentic.

I feel seen, thank you Heidi. I am going to put this into practice.

My God! This is the realest video I have ever seen. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, Heidi!!!! I don't have the words to express how all of these truths just resonated with me. Thank you for giving me hope and resources to work on my avoidant attachment issues and for validating and explaining these nauseating emotions. Thank you!!!

This is amazing thanks

I have learned sooo much from you ❤ Thanks!

I took so many notes. Thank youuuuu I appreciate it greatly.

Ugh. Just found your videos and they are helping me realize (as a pretty severe avoidant) how so many things trigger me. Next small task…trying to figure out how I’ve spent an entire life lying to myself and playing a role for others….

awesome video, clear and straight to the point.❤

This was an excellent and deeply reflective video for me. Thanks for all of the insightful content, Heidi! You are helping a lot of people with your videos.

Thank you for providing so much content on attachment styles. I feel like everyone should be watching these videos, regardless of their relationship status… I’ve watched a lot of your videos and have had so many lightbulb moments… you’ve described things I’ve experienced and kind of already knew but couldn’t articulate or understand at the time. Thanks again!

this video was so so so damn amazing! Now I just need to find out how to deal with that massive fear of rejection that stops me from choosing the people I could actually feel alligned with to have a healthy relationship...

You have nailed naiming the exact feeling of keeping me out of relationships. This makes so much sense . Thank you 😊

Had to leave a comment to say how great this video is. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and being such a help you clearly have a gift for it x

Amazing. I’ve always felt guilty and ashamed of my “fear of commitment”.

This was so helpful. Could you make this type of video but for a single person? 🙏

I have never had so many truth bombs and aha moment a in such a short amount of time. THANK YOU!!!! Subscribed 🧡🧡

Excellent approach, Heidi! The smoothie analogy with a yucky ingredient was a good one. It is great that rather than demonizing folks on the avoidant spectrum, you help them to be introspective and to do the work to improve their lives and their relationships. You also make excellent points about being assertive rather than sucking it up, and having resentment! Life is short, and it's important that we take the time to study ourselves, and our relationships, and to do what is best, based on what we've learned.

Thank you so much! I finally understand what was going through my brain all those months. I hope I can use this information as a teenager to heal my attachment style before I become an adult.

Thank you so much for bringing light in such a way over these topics. For me it is very easy to assume that what we feel is wrong then fighting it but then not being able to keep it away forever, which has reasons.

Wow I just started watching the video and my mind is already blown by your smoothie analogy 🤯 It hit soooo close to home I LOVE your videos ❤

O God. The disgust at the loving gaze. Why are you so good at this.

Just found your videos Heidi. A big thanks. In my 50s and think i know myself quite well, but your clear descriptions and insights are helping me so much. Let me know if you offer any one on one work.. thanks again..😊

I stumbled upon your channel a couple hrs ago and there seems to be endless interesting topics that u explain with such a clear, concise train of thought that i never dare to expect. Every word contributes to understanding and i can now define myself as a 10/10 on the avoidant attachment spectrum. All 10 criteria resonated like a ten mile high bell struck with a sledge hammer but i was really in search of logical reasons why I should feel like its a problem to be this way. I will let all the info simmer for awhile. Thank u for your refreshing style of explanation! This is only my second comment ever on any platform come to think of it. This is the highest appreciation I'm capable of. Ha ha

Thank you very much for your wonderful participation in this wonderful dialogue

This was so helpful thank you! I realized so much about myself and how I've been thinking in my relationships and why I keep choosing the same type of partners. Look forward to watching more of your videos!

There's a lot usable information to extract from the presentation of ideas and concepts in this video. Appreciate the enlighing explanation of how to acknowledge the real time contrast between the inner state and outer state being projected to a partner and how it may differ from the state of contrast between the inner state of the mind and body. Thanks

Thanks, this vid really helped me.

I love this! I am anxious attached, and and struggle with my partner turning to me for emotional regulation. I immediately get turned off/respect them less. This is something I would like to improve on, as I understand why it's important, and also very much appreciate when someone is kind and supportive to me when I am vulnerable. A video on this specifically would be incredible, as I have not been able to find strategies on this.

Hi Heidi, you are the greatest gift I have ever come across. The amount of Aha moments and answers I received watching this video to help me out of staying stuck in my ways has been immense. You are literally changing so many lives and helping humanity heal and evolve. Thank you so so so much, all my love and gratitude to you! May you always be safe and succeed in every way possible!

I do not want to fully commit to my husband and a theory I had was that a part of myself may not be happy / communicating / being my authentic self. I really appreciate this video. I will follow your guidance. Thank you

Wow thanks for this video. I really resonate with a lot of what you said. Allthough I was to active part in the process I really just fell into my first relationship. I had no idea of bounderies and needs or that I was allowed (or supposed) to communicate them. I loved and adored my girlfriend but also had many moments when all the walls seemed closing in or when I felt disgusted by the things that I used to love her for. And I just didn't understand why. Thinking about this two years later it kinda gives me hope for the future because alltough I was wildly unprepared for a romantic relationship then it was quite good at times.

The thing with me and my avoidance to commit to anything, has nothing to do with fear, but more the demand and expectation that comes with it. Even individual/personal projects are avoided because consistancy always fails as the initial motivation waynes.

Wow! This is so good! I have found myself not liking commitment period! Not do much in a long term relationship. Mine got worse when I experienced long haul covid-19 and never knew if I could go through with plans due to my illness. Is this similar? However, you have a point about looking within to see what roles we have been playing. I never thought of this insight. I have always bern hard to pin down. A lot of people have gotten angry or hurt and I never meant for that to happen. I never understood this about myself because I like being a woman of my words and other people to be same. Thank you!

I never had a fear of commitment as an avoident but have been against marriage every since my father was taken to the cleaners by mom. He told me never marry. My ex would beg me to marry her and that really made me fear it. Like she had an evil agenda. I always told her we were committed and don't need a piece of paper saying so. I told her I would never leave but she left after 5yrs. Just one day like a light went off and she no longer wanted anything to do with me and she was very quick to replace me frightening quick. They got married and divorced all in a yr. Shes got 4 baby daddies now. Talk about commitment. 😂

To anyone reading this, this video is the real deal. Watch it, listen to it and take in how confronting it is but know how its the way for selflove and a better life

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her

Gosh this is a good video

The parent - child roles and being with the child within is very much reminiscent of internal family systems!

Masterful

excellent education !! i connected deeply to the aspects of a secure relationship: have to decide to be there & have to decide you are willing to do 100% of the hard work it's going to take to maintain a secure dynamic. I feel that is what is lacking today. People don't want to do that - they want to walk away whenever they want - whenever it gets hard. They don't want to do the work. They don't want to be more vulnerable and take other people's needs and wants seriously or have the meaningful compromises like you said. That is what i'm seeing - when i realize that they are a wonderful person - but it isn't wise to be in a long term relationship with them. Excellent quote - "fear gives you good information." So i will keep on working on my authentic self expression. It may be too much for some ..... but it will be just right for the one that wants to work on this together :) Thank you Heidi !!

This is good 😊

So good

Thank you

🌟My system still says: I feel drained by Most peoples Behaviors, thats why I enjoy my own company, Solitude. IT feels way more energetic, Bit If I was with people, Most of time felt drained. Empaths might understand. So since my sensitivity for Energies rised, I felt more drained or angry, If I met shallow Places, surfaced people. Any infj, infp, Enfj, enfp, Feelers Out there Feeling the Same way? Deep Talks are so energetic and Soul serving, while shallow smalltalks drains my system.🌎💚

As you make these videos I always wonder how you manage to peace all of this together. If you have the interest or bandwith I would totally be a paid subscriber if you started a book club someday.

Heidi, there's got to be a way that I can say "thank you" for these videos. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection of my life and past relationships, and you've given me a lot to think about. Do you have a Patreon or some sort of way I can give a "thank you" to you? Amazon wish list? lol

Secure attachment people don’t have shame. They fit in to society with their lifestyle and careers.

Brilliant Heidi. Can I live w the version of myself? Thats the question.