I'd rather be alone than be with someone who makes me feel alone.

1:34 Crap-fitting and People pleasing 3:15 Emotional flashbacks (repressed emotional outbursts, or faking emotions, and/or having no boundaries) 5:00 Embarrassed to say what you want in a relationship (fear of marriage) 7:15 Processing death (endless loop of talking about traumatic feelings) 9:17 Abandonment Melange (A toxic combo of grief, rage and terror. Your feelings are distorting your perception.) 10:34 Regulating and balancing the time it takes to build healthy relationships with work arounds. (This video is worth watching in its entirety, but I did timestamps for quick reference, in case I'm in a brain fog sometime in the future and I need a refresher on a specific point. Hope it's useful to others, also.)

It's never too late to have another chance at life.

I have never had a healthy relationship with a man and few healthy friendships. I was always so exhausted from my unhealthy relationships that I drifted away from my healthy friendships. I am way to easy going that I'm drawn to people that start out super nice, then take advantage of my compliance and need to please. When they finally push to the point I can't take it anymore and start to set reasonable boundaries, they rage at me. Now, when it gets to that point I'm like... "oh you're one of those people" and walk away. I crap fitted to friends and boyfriends for years because I didn't feel I could walk away if I wasn't treated well. In my family I felt shamed if I didn't have friends, that it was proof that I was unworthy.. I am scared of healthy, because if someone healthy does reject me it's proof I'm unlovable. I also am not strong enough in who I am yet to not get sucked into someone else's life in a codependent way.

All my potential romantic relationships tend to derailed before they leave the station. I feel that my unhealed abandonment issues has kept me from having a normal relationships that most people seem to take for granted. I can remember around the age a 12 or so, the age where I became the scapegoat, that I wanted to get marred to a "soulmate". Now that I'm terminally ill and getting too old to, getting marred to a "soulmate" is my dying wish. I always wanted to know how feels to be loved by another person before I leave this place.

I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where they treat me like crap.

Safe people often feel awkward to me, I find that I push them away. My current partner is so devoted and always caring towards me, it makes me want to run away sometimes. Postive self talk is a useful tool, also telling him where I am coming from, my trauma/triggers. I just bite the bullet and go for it. A person who really cares about you won’t scare easily, bc you’re worth it. And so am I.

It makes me so mad that my parents messed me up this bad and now I’m stuck fixing such horrible feelings and thoughts bc they couldn’t just love me properly

I often avoid your videos when I first see them pop up. I know that the information in them will be beneficial, but I also worry about what feelings will come up while I’m watching. Frequently it’s pointing out things I’ve done or am still doing that I recognize are not best for me. That being said, you have a great way of delivering the information and wrapping it all up to leave me feeling hopeful.

I finally got a happy marriage and "learned to" have friends, but Anna helped me understand why I've been "peripheral" of every group I was a part of, mysteriously incapable of being on the "in-group" of any organization. By the way I'll pile on here: Anna you are amazing; bringing previously unimagined peace of mind. Thank you!

There are so many of us out here with "issues"... I was fortunate to find a man who grew up w/"issues" different than my "issues" and that helped us form a wonderful bond of compassion, empathy & love in our relationship and we helped each other with parents, step parents, step siblings, crisis and more dumb issues...we were a team to deal with all of these things. There is someone perfect out there for each and everyone of us in spite of our "issues".

This woman is honestly amazing. This kind of information is so life-changing for people who have suffered under the great weight of not only the original hurts they experienced, but the myriad of ways in which they have replayed throughout other situations in their lives since. To be able to shine light on all of those dark corners of our lives that we feel could only ever be comprehended by us alone is such an important step towards being able to heal and to redirect one’s life in a much more fulfilling direction, so thank you so much for your work and for what you do for others. “You’re trying to learn to love people in a healthy way and nothing could be more beautiful and noble” - this line was so moving!

This woman. Her videos scare me emotionally. I know I might cry because she will say something so pinpoint accurate of why I'm hurting and those events that made me that way will come back sometimes. You're an amazing person Anna.

I’d just like to share this. A few years ago I went alone ( as I’m single with an abandonment history ) to a relationship therapist. In the first session she told me that I ‘probably’ would never achieve a close relationship… ( just think about how damaging that would be to hear ). I went home - felt angry & upset. Calmed myself. Made another appointment. Prepared myself. Calmly told the therapist why she had acted so inappropriately & the effect it had on me. She told me she ‘didn’t say it ‘ then crumpled. I walked out. I’m now a trained therapist myself ( but I totally agree that talking over & over again about past wounds is triggering & doesn’t work for me. In decades of struggling with inner trauma - I can truly say that you are a breath of fresh air. Your practical, solution focused approach backed up by research, & most importantly your own personal experience is the key I’ve been searching for all my life.

I think most of us start to get triggered around “ abandonment “ when in our relationship we are starting to “ be abandoned “ - in all the ways someone can abandon another .. I mean for real.

I've never read or heard people want what they received in their childhoods, but that they gravitate towards the familiar, like us all... because it feels comfortable at some point. Basically doing something by habit, rote, or happenstance is not a conscious decision after some point if it ever was. We are feeling around a dark room for the things that make us feel safe at that moment, regardless to the ultimate outcome. Until we see that something is wrong and find a way to navigate better.

I was adopted, then my adopted dad was hit by a train when I was 4 mos. old. Mom turned to the bottle. As an only child with a drunk single parent, I felt very alone & very abandoned. I often thought she was dead on the floor ( passed out) when I was 4 or 5 & the conditional love and yelling scared & scarred me. I am over 50 now & kinda tired. These videos are life sustaining, I wish they were there for me long ago. I am alone but choice from fear, and I guess self isolation… but a real desire to be settled & in love. I’m not sure I know what love actually feels like other than for my own adult kids. Weird. Processed feelings absolutely freaking drains us! Thanks 🙏 for this.

love the one about asking for what you need. If you can do that...confidently and without shame...you'll eliminate so many people that are not good for you

Watching this for the third time. You are right, my red flag detector is getting better and better with the daily practice. I was able to spot an absolute disaster and take appropriate steps where my previous self would have jumped right in and then blamed myself for being so hurt!!! baby steps!!

Complex CPTSD patterns are typical yes. We attract the same in others and then reenact the scenario, over and over again, until we eventually wake up. My experience of child abuse was long-term and emotionally extremely damaging. Drifting in and out of relationships to compensate the loss does get us abandoned over and over again and more and more traumatised,but we're all born with different coping skills. While some victims are too damaged to rise put of it, others become incredible survivors who go on to help others. Because I had no one to help me I learned to survive in the best way I could, but because the trauma was also an embarrassment to me, I tried to cover it up to avoid remaining outcast pretending I was someone else. Disassociation can lead to serious mental illness. . In other words I learned to survive with a false self, ever living up to a false image, and leaving my abandoned inner child starving, suffering and forever trying to be who I was not. . I didn't know how to be myself because I had no real self, she was denied the right to be. I was paying the price for my entire family's abuse and forced by my self blame to accept it was all my fault.

I just wanted to find love, to stop feeling like the little scared boy inside the man. To have someone like everyone else seems to have. In my last relationship a part of me knew i was being used. But I was finally with someone who wasn't hurting me, who sometimes said she loved me. I clung to all the pretending because I wanted it to be true.

Agree. Its a complete tyranny to say to someone ‘you’re trying to get abandoned’ - complete hurt and shaming to those of us who really need assistance

No, we don't want to get abandoned, or recreate our childhood, and we still do, because it is all we know . So, until we are unconscious to it, we do. Unfortunately, it is true . When I learned this, and admitted it, was able to change it, learn new, healthy ways to be, to live, to love, until then, we are blind and follow the script.

I honestly thought I wasn't supposed to want marriage and children. I felt like something was wrong with me. I ran from the prospect of marriage and sabotaged the relationship and I don't even know why. I abandonned the only relationship that didn't abandon me. And I still don't quite understand. All i wanted was love but I felt like I couldn't trust love.

Anna, I am so glad that I found your channel. I am Gizem and I grew up with physical and emotional childhood abuse for 17 years.. For the first time (I really mean it..) in my life, I feel completely understood! You are an angel for putting your work on KZfaq. So people like me, like us, can finally feel accepted here! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! I really needed this video right now :(

Its not about being abandoned. Its about getting rid of the abusers which unfortunately keep coming my way. It is difficult to see these abusers coming.

Wow I just took the deepest breath of relief ever, 38 seconds in!! Thanks for boldly debunking something we've all been told. There is definitely no way I've ever "wanted" to be abandoned or "tried" to recreate my childhood. What a toxic perspective that's always made me feel more broken and ashamed. Thank you!

Thank you. Needed this. I’m currently looking for an abuse therapist at 48 yrs old. I can’t live this way anymore.

Yes!! Those shaming messages are equivalent to shaming a blind person for being blind. telling them they *want* to be blind.

I sure would like to get to the bottom of that. I have never ever been able to keep a guy. My entire blood family do not talk to the other. I saw men abandon my mom growing up, though. So now, I am going at life alone. No friends to speak of. I have turned my energy into canning food, growing peppers and herbs, and producing some great artwork. It doesn't mean I don't get lonely; I have learned over time, a long time, to be able to accept it.

Some folks do try to recreate their childhood traumatic experiences or find people similar to their abuser/neglector though at a subconscious level. But with this said, I agree with you. We become brilliant at adapting to the most dysfunctional situations. And yes…Not all of us are trying to recreate our childhoods. It varies like everything in life. We live in a spectrum. I’m not sure what’s better or worse, but Thank goodness I never took my trauma/pain/anger out on others. I always took it out on myself. I never gave my partners a hard time, actually they abused me badly. Luckily, my current partner of 10 years is an amazing man that showed me what true love is and helped me with co-regulation. I changed for the best due to his love, compassion, kindness and understanding. He helped me to truly see my worth. 🙏♥️✨ P.S. abandonment melange is a nicer way to say that someone has BPD.

I guess having a crappy childhood brainwashes you into thinking this is what you deserve. I have always felt that healthy, well-adjusted people would never want someone like me, so I find people just as broken as I am, hoping we can fix each other. It never works out that way. My low self esteem does not help. My ex wife said I caused all the problems on our marriage, despite her long history of failed previous marriages. The more I tried to fix things, I was told I "wreek of desperation" and she left me.

Some of these points definitely apply, but the main reason I always get abandoned is that every man I've been with was damaged, addicted to alcohol, emotionally unavailable and/or abusive. Nobody could have made those relationships work.

Anna is one of the most empathetic people I've ever seen. She's wonderful!!! I absolutely LOVE all of her videos!! So generous and understanding...Thank you very much for your videos!

"They may be interested, but they are not capable of making that kind of commitment." Yes, that is me! This was my last relationship, in particular. He wasn't an awful person or a narcissist or abusive or married. He was just not capable and I really should have known that. The red flags were there.

Your videos have helped me so much. I just learned my husband, who I thought would not abandon me, had an emotional affair. The crazy thing is I’m pretty far along in my healing. I knew he was distant and told him I felt the distance and wanted to connect with him but he kept me at arms length. I did marry him 14 years ago when I wasn’t healed. My husband however has never done any healing. His own Chaos caused this to happen. But he was gaslighting me to believe that it was my trauma. But looking back it wasn’t, he was trying to get the spotlight off of his poor behavior.

I was dumped/abandoned twice during my cancer experience six years ago. At that time I decided I cannot go through that ever again. I am so happy, peaceful, and plan out my own life with MY family who are always there.

I was raised the only child ( scapegoat daughter) to a highly narc mother who basically hated my guts from infancy. I was always left alone, my mother lived her life like I didn’t exist. So being alone is normal and comfy for me. But, when I meet someone and there is potential, all of a sudden all of the years, decades of never being loved, supported etc I go full in. But, it’s always the same pattern. I think I’m healed, I meet someone (IRL) we hit it off, and the other person goes hot and cold. And I find myself in various forms of proving that I’m worthy to the other person. Now, the crazy part is when I pull away from the person, they come back with apologies and I forgive them and it starts over again. I know this is the blueprint from childhood because my mother was not interested in parenting. But how the hell do I stop this?! I can go from cold blooded, uncaring and prefer being alone to feeling completely alone, isolated, wanting a connection desperately, and feeling like my life is passing me bye. Good Lord, thank God I didn’t have kids, I’m way too messed up and don’t need to send a new generation of messed up ppl into the world.

Thank you so much for explaining the abandonment feeling. Before my departure from my husband, blatant narc abuse along with hearing voices in his head, I had to leave and protect my 2 young daughters. I had a feeling of falling in space and never hitting ground, it was just a feeling of falling. after 30 years of abuse I have been single since 2004. Tried to date but in your 50s and 60s it is very hard. You never want to admit you want to get married again for fear of being labeled a gold digger or co dependent and not being able to stand on your own. Finally, after all these year a lady befriended me in a huge retirement community. We meet 3 times a week, dance have only a couple of drinks and enjoy life with our moral standards in tact. Hoping to heal more even at the age of 66. Thank you for helping me so very much Anna. BTW my daughters is name Anna and my fur daughter is names Orphan Annie. Thank you so much for your video's you are such a blessing.

I had two separate therapists tell me things like that. Once in my 30s during a couple's session the therapist said to me "people like you will never have a healthy relationship" and the other was in the hospital when I was 16, after I was repeatedly raped and beaten and I attempted suicide by slashing my arm and also shortly after the therapist had spoke with my father who was one of my abusers, she said .. "you're not the perfect Princess you make yourself out to be"....still kills me inside and I'm 41 now still suffering with CPTSD.😔

I’ve just been reading the work of Pete walker, thank you for sharing that. I had this huge surge of abandonment melange today, and reading through his work helped me to feel that I wasn’t some crazy psycho, and that my experiences and feelings are valid. I mostly go through these experiences in silence while fawning, as which happened today. But after regulating and listening and reading, I can feel like a complete human again, and have something for next time. Thank you 🙏🏻

I ended my last relationship as a result of my BF cheating on me and breaking my trust. Very empowering to take back my control over this nightmare relationship!

I had never heard of emotional flashbacks or abandonment melange until I came across your Utube Videos:) Looking back over my life, I can clearly see many times where I have been triggered by these and it’s now so helpful to have a name and understanding of what is going on. Thank you so much Anna for the work you are doing to make CPTSD know and helping people heal and give them hope! I’m currently taking your first course and look forward to taking others in the future! There is hope, we can heal!

I love how wise you are! It certainly makes a difference to hear from someone who has been on the journey. Thankyou so much for all this incredible and free content...this is soo helpful

I've heard several variations on "This is happening to you because it's what you want to happen" and it's actually enraging. Like, no, I definitely don't want any of this! I think it's a terrible thing for anyone to say, so I'm glad to hear SOMEONE say it's not true!

I'm glad I'm being introduced to this topic now, 20 years after my last relationship. There's so much to cover and to know. Sadly, I did abandon a recent someone... but I whole heartedly believed she didn't want me as seen by her behavior. I left in October of last year, and still want to try again. So, I have some abandonment issues of my own to deal with, and I'm glad that Anna is here to help clear things up! Thank you, Anna!

I feel like you made this just for me. I'm at a very low point at this moment. My husband of 16 years called the police last night after assaulting me. It's been very confusing. He told them I was mentally ill. He left me and the kids alone. I don't know how to do this anymore. I'm just really, really tired of it all.

My abandonment issues began at birth. And every single person who ever meant anything to me, eventually left too. Except for the few that haven’t yet. Lol. I recognize I have very deep seeded issues. I just have no idea what to do. Oh be only in the last couple of years began to recognize that I do indeed have these issues. I was in absolute denial until then. I’m at a loss.

I don’t think, in nearly 50 years , that I have ever met a “healthy” person who does not have some form of trauma or abandonment issues and I’ve known A LOT of people fairly well. I have no idea where anyone meets a healthy well adjusted person. I now have zero patience for other peoples junk, I have enough junk. I’ve also gotten over feeling like I’m the one who needs fixing, also have gotten over the impulse to “help” other people heal unless it comes with a paycheck. Sometimes other people are triggering and it’s best to not invest in people who are going to activate your trauma that lives in your body on a regular basis. Healing emotional trauma or epigenetic trauma is a lifelong process not something that you one day just stop having.

So recognizable!!! After two years of being directly confronted with all of these patterns, I'm finally learning to not constantly focus on my feelings and keep talking about them to help me process. I'm finally seeing it's okay to not feel okay (like in the emotional flashbacks) and to feel confident that i can 'hold' feeling so 'difficult' in close relationships, when I'm coming across as always nice and kind. Everything resonates. Thank you!

I have been single for over 35 years. One reason is I'm a Christian and it's hard to meet men that are willing to wait until marriage but a very realistic one also is the fear of this very thing you're talking about happening when I'm in a relationship. I know I'm almost like two people. When I feel pressured or smothered I go off the deep end and I know I can hurt people but I don't want to. So I've more or less made a decision not to pursue a relationship for fear that they'll probably end up leaving me when they see this side. Sure doesn't sound like I have a whole lot of faith in God huh? I'm working on that one too. My parents used to do this weird thing when they wanted to punish us. They would wait until there was something we really really wanted to do. It could be months later but when that time came they would tell us know you can't because remember when you blah blah blah blah? Well of course I don't remember I'm a little kid. So that left me never bothering to look forward to anything and the trust is not even in existence when it comes to people.

Thank you so much for all of these insights and confirmations. I have made it "a mission" to heal, and the last few years have been the most intense healing I could handle. The Abandonment Melange was absolutely the "shadow" that I couldn't see and *knew* it was the reason that I seemed "to be too much" for others. The all/nothing cognitive distortion at play. Each day is a new step towards new understandings. I am down to just a couple trusted people in my life, that took the years to build the friendships, and all at a physical distance, another aspect of my "safety zone" (justification to my inner wound for why they were safely unavailable for anything more than friends)...now I finally understand how I *have been* committing *to myself* in new ways, and as I heal the CPTSD, I trust that I will meet more people closer to where I am at, to help me build those boundary skills, clarity of flags, and the space for me to *take my time* to let people in, and to take risks to make new choices. Thank you for being an incredible part of my journey to rebuild my self worth from a childhood that didn't have healthy models or treatment.

This is amazing, I always thought I was on top of why I'm a disaster with relationships. I'm 61 and it's the 1st time this has been described to me 🤯

‘Crap-fitting’ seems the answer to many issues post-childhood trauma. Some seek therapy for ‘why they got into relationships with ‘unavailable’ partners’. eg FFs, married partners, etc. The traditional ‘victim blaming’ in standard therapy is horrendous.

just the word “crap fitting” elicits imagery of a jig saw puzzle with pieces made out of manure, and the final picture is that of a dysfunctional family abusing and neglecting each other

How did you know, fairy? Yeah it happened yestarday, but I really think leaving the relationship was the best for the both of us. Thank you for all your help!

I’ve felt that in every relationship. It caused me to be reckless just to feel better. This toxic way of thinking got me a son and my heart broken several times. I never connected the dots with my parents divorce and my mom’s co-dependence and picking another bad guy to date and eventually marry.

Been through a lot, been shuffled around a lot too. Had a good childhood I think, parents still together after 48 years, but as the youngest out of 4. I can look back and see how I was groomed to just go with the flow and accept that I had to adapt or be left behind, fill the shoes of those who came before. Was in the music industry for 8 years on my own, saw the world, joined the marines later in life to help “fix” me, went to the brig for 4 years, and with the pandemic I realize now I have CPTSD from all of that. I hear everything that you’re saying and I’m crying Bc I know this is me. And I want to heal, but the first step has been accepting that I have CPTSD. Thank you for your content and helping me get on the road to heal for me and my partner

Thought I got that life long partner and after 8 years he bailed on me and completely abandoned me. He said vows I thought really would matter but it didn't. I opened my heart - I gave more of myself then ever before and now I'm not sure how to not shut down and completely go back in my shell. I've been trying to heal for so long and I just found truth this summer I have CPTSD and had no idea what that was... but I finally feel I'm learning truth and feel there's hope to fully find healing and it was too late and my husband left me anyways. It's been terrifying for me in learning so much about myself, it's humiliating and I just feel like I'm never gonna heal sometimes. I want to he healthy. I am so exhausted from the painful cycle that I've done since I was a child. CPTSD makes me into someone I am not ... my actions aren't a reflection of my heart. You have helped me so much and have helped encourage me. I still feel overwhelmed though and get discouraged.

I am so scared of repeating or re-inscenating my childhood / the relationship towards my parents / or even my parent's relationship, that I find myself almost constantly dysregulated, tense and scared - and I find myself in a relationship in which he has an absent father and a mother with let's say narcissistic traits. weolcome childhood repetition! I am sooo scared this is doomed from the very beginning, although we talk a lot. But the way he is and acts and the way I am and act -- the combination is exhausting.

I believe, I got so good at being able to adjust myself to whatever crappy situation was happening, to be “loved”, that I am a magnet to other Narcissists. They sense that I will tolerate their crap. They don’t really know they’re crappy. They are fundamentally trying to be loved too. They want unconditional love. That unconditional love that THEY want, is BS. “Healthy” people were raised with sane boundaries. They were allowed to be themselves, with loving and thoughtful guidance. They learned to have a healthy concern for others, not just to survive, real care and concern, because they were treated that way. I know this, but I still attract them. I attract other abused people too. I understand them and they know it. More often than not, I cannot help them heal. I am better off alone, I think.

Thank you very much for your help and support. CPTSD sufferers show strange behaviours which are scary to themselves and the people around them. It is so important to heal those wounds.

You’re being quite kind. It’s not my experience that when I tried to end my life to end unbearable pain, and was told “you abandoned yourself “, they were coming from a good place. It was a straight up shaming . I was looked at with disgust because I didn’t, quote “Love myself enough “. This “you gotta love yourself “ cult, has been brutal. I WAS ‘loving’ myself. Just like the people who threw themselves out of the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001 because the heat inside the building was burning them alive, I was ending pain. Anyways, that’s enough. Needed a rave lol.

I have BPD symptons and I check all the symptoms, but these videos are the first in which i have found actual practical and helpful tips on how to regulate myself. Thank you so much.

“I got this, I’m a ninja at this “, should have my pic beneath it🤣 Every member of my family has and at 47yrs old, continue to use this method with me when I share a new batch of drama in my life. After watching Anna, I was able to notice it and calmly explain to my wonderful siblings, “no, I’m not that strong. I’m actually hurt and struggling “. They were so shocked! After dissecting our troubled childhood, we realized we ALL received it differently. Sharing my story with them was amazing as they had empathy and apologies for ME. It felt so good to finally take the mask off and truly be myself and what better people than your family! This will not have that strong hold on you forever…each day it falls away! Thanks Fairy & team and try THE DAILY PRACTICE guys, just try it!!!❤️

I stopped having relations for more than 10 yrs ago after a break up. Didn't want it to happen a next time and I "learned" all the way back from childhood that this happens every time. So better no relation at all because I don't know how to have some different kind of relation. I don't think that I re-create the past but somehow it still happens 😐

# 7. Abandonment melange made me cry I am 55 and this is the first time I have heard an explanation of what I never have had words for myself, that feeling in my stomac that get triggered Thank you 🙏

Who else feels shame that you’re like not in the ‘normal’ crowd that had safe happy loving childhoods, they look at you like you’re an alien if you have a trigger. But I think we who have been through childhood abuse are much stronger, much deeper and have much more to give. It’s a blessing in disguise.

Could you please possibly do a video on bottling up your emotions and suppressing them, and what it does to you? I’ve been working on bottling my feelings and emotions, and whenever my mom or my husband wants to know what’s up, I just brush it off and say that I’m ok and that nothing is wrong.

People say all kinds of stupid things that they repeat because they try to make sense of one’s behavior with stupid pop psychology sound bites. I recently reconnected with an old friend from college who I used to have a codependent relationship with (toxic female friendship stuff) who repeated all kinds of cliches that I haven’t heard in 20 years when I talked about how I’m in recovery from CPTSD. I also think that, with her, there’s a desire for me to be stuck in the past so that she and I can go back to our old toxic friendship. I’m done trying to explain and justify my healing to her, and won’t be bothering to explain it anymore. Now I have to decide whether I want to bother with the friendship at all. It might not be worth it.

Hi Anna, I must have watched your videos more than 2-3 times each, and every time I discover new gems of wisdom. Although I’ve had therapy and it helped me enormously, my therapist and I hadn’t addressed the “how to” when triggered, and to what extend the triggers are actually distorting reality. Your videos have been eye-opening to me and thank you from the bottom of my heart, I feel like a much cooler person now. The feeling of abandonment in my relationships was partly due to emotional neglect, shaming and abandonment by my care givers. I grew up choosing people who would do the same because that’s how I thought relationships are supposed to be, it didn’t feel right, but I was numb to do something, I just accepted my ‘fate’. Realising that I deserve mutuality in relationships set off my alarm, and, voila! Thank you so much, God bless you!

You are a lifesaver. I've never heard my situation with relationships so well said and in such a fluent way.

"abandonment melange" is the feeling I have that I think of as my anxiety feeling, the poisonous rush through my body, is that not correct? I used to get it as a kid because I was thinking I wanted to hurt the person who bullied me and that thought scared me and then that feeling would rise up through my body.

There's another factor at play in the not admitting you want marriage -- in the late 70's and 80's it wasn't fashionable to want marriage, and often if you said that was your goal, the one you were dating ran for the hills. Of course, that only means that person isn't the one, but at that time that was all men were talking about. Of course, in those days sex was expected a lot sooner too. Nobody expected a nice girl to have sex on the first date, but if you didn't put out on the second, you didn't get the third. This was pervasive. This experience was common around NYC and northeastern cities.

I was told something very similar: you recreate the situation in order to heal your trauma. I think this is one of the worst things to say to a person with C-PTSD because nurtures the idea “it’s all my fault”, the same idea many of us had when we were children! But the truth (my truth) is much more similar to what you say and it’s very simple: with a certain kind of people, in certain circumstances, we act the same way, because that way saved our life when we were children and our brain knows it: it’s well trained in surviving… the crap. End of the story. The trick is noticing the survival pattern and then running away from the crap. There are some red flags for me: adrenaline (which in the past I confused with excitement) and ovethinking. If I’m not fast in detecting them, I can experience emotional reactions (sadness and anger that I normally don’t show in public - exactly as I did in childhood) and painful memories from the amygdala that show up. And yes, I recognize I felt really embarassed in the past to acknowledge that I wanted a long-term relationship. I was not used to recognize my needs and desires and this put me in hands of very manipulative predators who can do what they do precisely because we don’t admit to ourselves our needs and desires. When I clearly saw this I started to write down on paper my needs and desires and this practice helps me a lot in avoidong being manipulated by others. It took me years to see this dynamic. Thank you so much Anna, because it’s really helpful to listen to someone who got to the truth of trauma in a world where the majority of professionals talks about what is written by others in books and without any personal experience and, therefore, without clarity about this issue.

I've always had so much shame around these emotional flashbacks ,and honestly never even knew that was bc of my childhood, I just thought it was something wrong with me but this makes so so much sense. I would love to be able to heal from this.

I think what your therapist meantime is subconsciously Obviously not consciously lol But yes we tend to gravitate towards what’s familiar Because sometimes the abuse is the kind where it wasn’t “all bad” , not all the time My childhood was filled with a lot of fun happy moments a lot of excitement a lot of travel some luxury and no hard times to be quite honest, but it was unstable af and I was constantly being moved around and was never able to hold on to any friendships and constantly had to leave the people and places I loved and called home and eventually it took its toll My mother was more of a “friend” and less of a parent She was never there for me once I became a teen and she just abandoned me except when she would come around to use me for narcissistic supply’s aka attention. And she sabotaged my every attempt and becoming independent and having my own life It went from a dream to a nightmare the minute she saw I was starting to grow up and she felt threatened with “abandonment” There was also an absolute immense amount of emotional and psychological manipulation/abuse tons of gaslighting and I had NO support system or family or friends to rely on because she had taken all of that from me and I was completely isolated and she made me believe her abuse was normal and that that was love I’ve noticed this same pattern in my relationships I attract people who want to use me for a good time and don’t actually want to put in a lick of effort and just like I did with my mother, I’m always the one ending up doing all the effort to actually make the relationship work It’s like I’m chasing that initial high before it all went wrong instead of just accepting that it was all love bombing and that they don’t actually love me and never did and we’re just using me and I know that but it just hurts to accept yknow like idk I just feel like a kid again and I just can’t help but wonder why I was never enough for anyone and I wish that if they didn’t love me then they would just fuck off and leave me alone instead of constantly leading me on and making me believe that they do just like my mother did because she knew I’d believe her lies because I so badly wanted them to be true but I know she will never love me because she is the most selfish person I’ve ever met and she will never care about me unless she can use me and yeah idk I’m just sad about that I’ve just been avoiding people all together lately because this even happens in friendships too I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone but people love my energy because I’m really outgoing and passionate and energetic and lively and it’s like okay if u like me so much why leave why treat me like shit why make me feel like I’m not enough... and I already know they’re just projecting how they feel about themselves onto me just like my mother did but it doesn’t make me feel any better I’d just rather be alone

Thank you always helping me feel normal and showing us the path out. I’m sitting here again after insomnia, doing my daily practice and saw your video. I feel I can go back to bed now.

YESSS I FKN HATE BEING TOLD THIS!!! like ive known since i was a kid that the same abuse was NOT what i wanted and have been so confused all my life why i always get rejected or abandoned-thank you for this🙏🏼

Getting into a relationship unhealed is a recipe for disaster. In high school I loved this guy and when he graduated he was going into the military we were also going to get married when left I felt abandoned which doesn't make sense then I started seeing someone else. I told him I cheated on him and he never wanted to talk to me again (understandably) so. Now healed 20 years later I realized how much he loved me too and I must have really hurt him. He already was scared of me cheating way before so I could imagine how he must of felt. I have never been in a relationship since that I loved someone the way I loved him. Sometimes its us who self sabotages the relationship. He was a wonderful guy.

Great video! Love your channel

Can be a good ploy to get people out of your life. Let them feel like they want to leave you.

I think a lot of times our fear of abandonment scares a lot of people off as well.

I had a therapist say that exact thing to me. It cuts so deep. Thank you for your understanding and kind words. They’ve helped me so so much.

I am so glad you got to this point Anna. There are so many of us who need this. I feel like a hopeless freak then I watch your channel, this video in particular, and I feel understood and hopeful. Your work is so needed - thank you ❤️🌸

I am a Russia Adoptee with CPTSD. Your videos are inspiring.

I can't speak for anyone else I can only speak to my experience. I have always strived to do better or different than what was done to me as a child. This has led to me being pretty much hated by everyone in my "family " because they could no longer control me or elicit the response they desired from me. For decades, I've tried to lead by example; to show and teach a better way. I've always done my best at everything put before me. My best is never good enough. I have even been told that none of the abuse ever happened. "You're a liar and need help for your mental illness ". I have even been pushed to the point of showing blatant disrespect to people, who continue to consciously or subconsciously, find fault in me, but do not see their own shortcomings. I love everyone despite their faults. I've learned that sometimes you have to love from a distance.

I am really glad to watch particularly this video of you Anna.. I regular get emotional flashbacks which holds me back often.. I am also suffering from ADHD, CPTSD i guess.. thanks for discussing these issues .. I really needed to hear these things

Today this video hit the spot. made sense of just about everything Ive experienced. issues have been around abandonment and fitting in. I understood a couple of instances where I was triggered and could have lost 2 friends and didnt as they were real friends. recently Ive also observed someone else being triggered and completely losing it for no apparent reason. Have been writing down fears and resentments. Beginning to feel very different in a short time. Thank you again Anna.

2 minutes in and I’m literally balling my eyes out. I recently told a therapist that I’m on a LOOP in my life. I can tell that she didn’t understand my statement. However, she tried to assist me with finding solutions. I’m so happy to hear that my intuition is on the right path. I’m committed to HEALING my childhood trauma. Thank you for creating this channel.

Thank you so much, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Team! Lots of Love, Jaden XXXOOO

Thank you💕Here’s healing and recieving our truest healthiest desires💓🌞🤍✨

This was a stellar video. The expressions “crap fit” “melange” are part if my vocabulary. Melange is something ive had for years and could not put even begin to describe it! And also so relatable- never could think well enough of myself to even entertain that someone would want me in a relationship. Yeah I did and I do want a committed partner. But. Still cant picture who’d take me. But but but.. not making crap fit anymore! Im sorry I dont know intimacy or romance, but at leastIm not taking put downs or being taken for granted.

This video gives me hope that I've been doing the right thing. My last long-term relationship really healed a lot of my trauma. I thought I was out of that abandonment "loop" until I started dating again though, and that was the worst wake-up call I ever experienced. Never again. I am absolutely determined to break this cycle. Even if it takes my whole life, I don't care. It has to end. 😕

You are amazing. Your videos are so insightful and what I like most is that you give it to people straight without any frills and BS.

For years I felt this way.Now at 71 years old I don't want to be alone,but I've decided if I am abandoned I want to be by myself.Im done with relationships.

you might just be liking the feeling of being abandoned.... thats why i always unconsciously recreate the scenario of going missing for days on end because i might be liking the feeling of longing and missing

Hiya Fairy, Thanks for the videos they've been helpful. Q. What about this abandonment with friendships? Cheers Rocky.

I had No red light detector. These are so true. This is happening now

I just never let anyone that close anymore..