So one big takeaway for me is that it’s not necessarily my fault if connection ends because I healed/changed or otherwise altered our connection strategy. Sometimes we heal/change and they can’t meet us in our new place no matter what new strategies we attempt, no matter how thoughtfully we try. Sometimes you’re just different and connection is less possible or impossible. And of course, the healing person can’t go backwards. Connection is a consensual dance, and if the other person stops dancing, even if we think we “should” keep dancing, we can respectfully stop trying to make them dance with us. What a gift. I’ve been carrying shame about a painful disconnection for 13 years now and just set it to rest after listening to this video. Thank you.

Heidi is by far the most knowledgable person i know about relationship dynamics and childhood trauma. The way she can communicate this knowledge is such a gift to us all. I thank the heavens she decided to start a KZfaq channel, which will no doubt save thousands of relationships, and lives!

I find that some people take their healing to a real self-righteous place, and instead of communicating a growth point, they actively cut me out. They're assuming a level of non-support that they didn't let me be a part of. Like I'm a symbol of old rot, not a person who can also change dynamically.

I’ve noticed that I am changing - my entire self concept is shedding old unhelpful ways of thinking, and my mother is behaving strangely, like she’s trying to sabotage my self improvement. She is always negative, and complaining about nonsense, like she’s trying to exhaust me with negativity and force me into staying the same, because my improvement will mean she has no one to drag down. It’s exhausting.

I am currently healing my fear of abandonment. And the way I'm doing it and see great results is by no longer abandon myself and people please. And I'm learning to set boundaries and say "no" and I can see it's troublesome for some people. I had this morning a revelation and then KZfaq "offered" your video, which put into words and strategies what I felt. This morning I all of a sudden felt empathy for my partner who seems to struggle with my changes and up until this morning I felt disappointed. Thank you for "confirming" that this is normal. I can feel I'm on my right path

Geez, this is such excellent information. Space. Grace. Generosity. Meet them where they are. And they can meet you where you are. And you are both okay right where you are. I needed this exactly today.

Wow. Nobody talks about this! I’ve been feeling so lost after changing and trying to retrain people how to treat me. This is so so helpful.

The timing is prefect! I recently tried to re-establish the game in one of my friendships, but failed to communicate my feelings properly and ended up blaming the other person and snapping at them for no good reason. I became defensive at one point and said a lot of hurtful condescending words to them as a result. The moment I thought I had finally figured out how to voice my needs, I was faced with this really humbling experience that highlighted all my current limitations and blind spots. Thank you so much for your videos on intimacy, Heidi! They really help me process and navigate the aftermath of my (not always successful) attempts to connect with others in a more authentic way.

Heidi - you have no idea how many people you are saving out here! This Channel saved my 2023. You’ll forever have my gratitude and respect. 🌹

FYI you, along with other similar podcasts have helped me notice all the ways I've been sabotaging myself and standing in my own way. Your information on limerance has helped me to see how I have more conversations in my own head, than I do in real life. How much my unhealed trauma has had me in a constant cycle of different faces, but all too similar situations. You've helped me understand myself and my patterns; and sent me on a journey of kindness with myself, while I heal these broken parts of me and become the best versions of me yet. Thank you for making this life changing information free and easy to find. May the universe bless you in the ways you bless others. 😊

As my counselor once said, “not everyone is coming on the journey with us”

I love this topic. Our society tends to teach that we must leave people behind when we change, but I strongly feel that’s not always the case. In fact sometimes I think that view can be very toxic. Yes , sometimes that i is the healthiest option, or it just happens naturally. Often though, it’s unnecessary and extremely unhelpful. I’ve personally seen friendships last and grow in terms of addiction and recovery , political ideology differences., and career change. If you have good friends, they are good friends. Friendship’s can last through transitional stages in life, and help keep us grounded to who we were and what we want to become. Others don’t have to follow us, but they can be there beside us. We can also be beside them. Not judge, be curious, and loving.

I'm currently on the receiving end of this conversion, and I've been resistant to it until I realized I was going to lose someone I really cared a lot about. Trying to rollback decades of maladaptive conditioning is probably the hardest good thing I've ever done. But they're worth it. And slowly, the sensation that I'm worth it is growing on me as well. I've been in therapy, and inhaling content regarding attachment and self-esteem. The worrying thing was that it was starting to feel inevitable that this growth would certainly result in us splitting up, even if we came out better for it in the end. Now, it feels like that's still the most likely outcome, but 5% probability of success is enough to motivate me while I learn to value myself. Thanks.

Heidi, could you please make an extended video about feeling like other people are wrong because they’re not trying to become healthy? Or how them staying unhealed is making our lives so much harder so I can’t help but think they ought to be different. It’s been a real challenge for me and a source of many years of frustration. I don’t want to make my world small because I can’t tolerate other people’s typical level of dysfunction. Thank you.

Thank you for this wonderful month, Heidi! Please take care of yourself and hope to see you again very soon. Love. ❤❤❤

I sometimes think of previous ways of doing things as a lower rung on a ladder and to respect the lower rungs (particularly as one might slip back down to them at times) as you try to climb to higher rungs.

Most of them failed to adjust, but they are extremely unhealed🥹😢 I had to leave them behind for my healths sake.

Heidi, your videos really helped me to go through really tough times with less emotional distress. Especially the videos for limerence, attachment styles, dreaming Vs acting and others;) May the Universe bring back upon you all the good you share... With your approach I don't beat myself up any more any time I have any kind of problem, as you speak on the subject with so empathy that there's no more self judgement anymore

i think sometimes we can unintentionally alienate people by demanding a list of new 'rules' to be followed if people want to remain in relationship with us, sort of like a fortress boundary - either follow the rules or goodbye. It can be incredibly hurtful especially when you've had a close relationship that you valued

i literally needed this NOW heidi is always so clutch

Oh my God I had this thought about this topic. Synchronicity coming into play. notification crew ❤

Just had an conversation this week with a friend who claimed I have changed too much. Thank you for your timely video!

I remember in high school, there was a girl who said to me, "Griping is the basis of all conversation." I didn't understand that, because it wasn't that way for me. I remember when I told her I was accepted to U.C. Berkeley, she grumbled, "That's Affirmative Action for you." I wasn't even a minority. Oh well. I can see now, griping really was the basis of ALL of her conversation. But not mine. Because she didn't get into Berkeley, she assumed I got in because I was a minority. And I wasn't. So she didn't even address the reason she didn't get into the school of her choice. She was operating on an illusion.

For the month's insights! I really feel my capacity for intimacy after watching and re-watching this last "mini-series" has grown in tangible ways and it feels very right to give back a bit for that. ☺🙏🏼 Cheers, Heidi. You're doing fantastic work.

You are such an insightful, empathetic generous person. It really is a breath of fresh air

I have only listen to 1 of your videos, the unhealthy ENFP I want to express my gratitude for you putting this video out here you are literally an answer to my prayers I’m ENFP 8 wing 7 and I’ve been trap in a loophole of victimhood mentality for a while now I’ve also experienced a healthy energy its just hard to maintain which it’s hard for ENFP I will check ALL of the good creative information you have in your channel 😘🤗

Thanks. I need this for like... 20 years😢 Aaaaanyhow, I love your channel 😀

Cannot thank you enough for your content Heidi. You’re helping me transform my life in real time.

This is extremely helpful Heidi. I never understood why/how I ended up so stranded from a loved one until now. My new game / path is causing disturbance to their new game/path. It’s like my healing was based on antibiotics while my loved one was on an acupuncture treatment. I still can experiment new topics to reconnect. That would result in presenting myself in a variety of ways as I keep healing -not just my number ace card personality / subject and specially not insisting on a conversation about antibiotics 😊. And if their preference is still not to reconnect “ever” or keep pulling to our old game, I understand how unhealthy that would be for me -this video is an antidote to the second guessing of my priorities and falling back in the old dynamic 🙌🏼👏🏼Amazing grace! There’s so much to learn 😊 Muchas gracias 🫶🏼

I couldn’t help but feel like the advice in this video would also apply to changes in one’s religious, spiritual or gender identities. Really solid general approaches to many twists and turns you might take in your growth

I’m really confused with my personal relationships now, thank you for the insights! So nice to have someone with answers and not to ruminate in my own head

It's not our job to help people "adapt" to us, we are who we are. This feels a lot like maladapive thinking. Individuals either love us or they don't love us. I have enough to take care of and remember without also having to babysit another adults emotions & /or mental instability

This channel is truly amazing and your topics are so on point for where I am right now. I cannot wait for you to think up a masterclass or course on attachment, relationships, roles and self development.

You mentioned in another video about how a securely attached person is able to recover from basically embarrassing themselves by being too intimate with the wrong person or how to recover from rejection … resetting boundaries when you realize you had a lapse of judgment. Can you talk more about this?

These videos helped me so much with understanding myself and others. Genuinely helped heal some broken relationships in my life. I am so thankful that you make these 🧡

🥳✨ You’re on a roll with these videos Heidi… I’m loving your content this month. Such quality and depth! I love how you upload a lot at once, that way I can binge. I miss your content during the long stretches of absence, although I wouldn’t have it any other way because I realize you are a human being living your life, hopefully the best year yet for you! I respect your creative cycles and the confidence I can always have in the quality of your work. Every time. I wish you all the best! Sending you love, from a fellow ENFP!

Amazing insight and opportunity for us! Thank you

I lost a couple connections. One of them was particularly sad because my friend was also changing in very similar ways…but I admit that I did wonder if they wanted me to stay stuck because when I started to evolve internally/address my trauma as well, our friendship fell apart. They seemed annoyed if I mentioned shadow work, facing toxic shame and the parts of myself that I was running from. I think a component of our connection was their ability to ‘mother’ others and be a saje of sorts. As soon as I moved away from chasing superficial self improvement and actually confronted my shadow, their warmth was much less frequent. I’m sure I also contributed to this in some way, and I think the connection was dying…but it’s worth examining whether some friends just like to be ‘evolved and healed one’ and if that’s their own way of feeling validated.

This is brilliant. Most of the convos about this topic are so fear-based, its no wonder people fail to grow together 😅

Disclaimer that I’m leaving this comment because this channel seems the appropriate place for discussion and this is the most recent video. I wish there was an old school forum interface where I could raise a community topic that wasn’t a subtopic of the current topic, I’d feel less guilty that I was hijacking the discussion :-/ ----- I wanted to mention that I am learning a lot from your presentation of attachment theory, but my perspective is that the axioms it is built on might be unnecessarily restrictive. I grew up with parents that met all my needs and that I could communicate with effortlessly. But I went to a public school with rules that you couldn’t question and educators that were playing politics and children who were emulating those role models, and that is where I learned that being genuine in my interactions was dangerous. I grew up only being able to form genuine connections with independent adults, never with peers. I was never able to bond with anyone my own age. Am I a mutant? Do attachment survival mechanisms have to stem from parental failures or does this framework generalize?

This was such a helpful video! This is exactly what I needed to hear on my current journey. I've struggled so much with wanting change while also wanting things to stay the same and this helps me realize it doesn't have to be black+white; there can be a way to have positive change without losing what you love. Thank you.

Yes Heidi you deliver complex knowledge in understandable ways to understand ourselves, our partner and relationship dynamics and attachment styles. It has speeded me on my personal growth - thank you

Thank you so much for your work, stumbling upon your channel came at a crucial time for me - my discovery might have been too late to save my relationship (anxious and avoidant - go figure), however it has helped and still helps me immeasurably with understanding myself better. Might I suggest making a few more playlists for the different topics? This would help out a lot of people I think.

Your recent videos have been incredible and so helpful! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge 🙏

In my healing journey, I watched my closest people (family/friends) struggle with my change and my tantrums (at times). But i have also noticed that the ones that truly love you, will adapt and change behaviour accordinly. So i learned that the ones that love you, love you very much! :))

When I was listening to you describe forging a new path forward to common ground with the best chance of growing into a healthier root of connection between the old and the new something came to mind that resonated with me. I have been through rehab more times than I am comfortable admitting publicly but for the sake of open, honest sharing to give friendship and love a chance I am willing to make that sacrifice. In each rehab, there was always one aspect I never got for years, recreational therapy. Most likely because their ideas of recreational therapy were usually one of three things: bowling, arts & crafts, or the dreaded bingo. It took a long time for me to see the wisdom of just how important it was to find new ways to have fun that weren't associated with the old behaviors of drinking or drugging. When I was in the military, I used to play pool all the time with my friends from work...and drink. So, playing pool for fun was probably not the best way to have fun with my old or new friends without wanting to have a drink at some point. I think what you're describing here applies in much the same way. Finding new ways to connect and build intimacy that have no common ground with the old situations were relating naturally gravitates towards the old unhealthy patterns. Patterns that you or others are looking to grow out of on our journey toward forming and practicing secure attachments. I was thinking and feeling ways that both of us might find ways to connect where those old patterns and behaviors had the least likely chance of manifesting. Ways to build safe connections that could open the door to intimacy. Building a deeper healthier long-lasting relationship based on a secure attachment. As opposed to our fearful avoidant styles of attachment we are seeking to let go of. Some of the ideas that came to mind were cooking. I love to experiment in the kitchen in creative ways. I remember you are quite the chef yourself. I believe you make a mean creme Brulé if memory serves me. Currently, I am playing with Ramen recipes, omelets, and potato dishes, and rediscovering baking. I think learning from each other would be a fun way to try and find that path forward. Maybe exchanging recipes or techniques at first and seeing where things grow from there. That was just one of the ideas that hit me, just off the top of my head. This is as far as I am willing to go without some reciprocation of an equal measure as currency for moving forward. I trust my instincts and I respect my boundaries. The ball is in your court. I hope this helps others who might be struggling with similar issues trying to salvage connections with others you don't know how to let go of just yet.

I might be done w trying to help ppl understand but I will watch this bc I have mad respect for you and what you do.

Every time you post I watch it immediately!!! Thank you !!!

Love that you shared Eric Bernes book! Lovee that book!

love your insights! i think it would make it even easier to find certain topics on your channel if you made playlists for each of your broad topic video series! thus making it easier to find say, your videos on shadow work all in one place, and all your vids on intimacy in a playlist!

This was very enlightening 💡 Thank you dear Heidi💕

Thank you, this is so insightful! They are just trying to connect in the way they know how (and the way that worked for years). I do think it's in fact easier to keep connections once you start healing, as you know so many more tools. Validation alone can resolve so many conflicts at the very beginning. But then I'm a champion of breaking connections at the drop of a hat, so of course coming from there, it got easier :)

Thank you for this Heidi, perfect timing✨

I’m loving that you are posting so regularly

I always to know the answer to this question. What an amazing video. THANK YOU!!

Thank you for posting and playing with us

You are a huge force of good in the universe.

acceptance, both of your self and the others, at the exact moment you're growing, or start to grow and change patterns is crucial.

You have helped me a lot. Thank you :)

Can you do a video on transactional analysis? I am trying to read about it it feels a bit impenetrable, but I love the way you explain concepts!!

You are so wise and knowledgeable thanks for reading and sharing, thank you so much this I am 35 so naturally I have been changing over past couple of years I've lost friends and some partially my fault some not my fault but also the contracts might hv been weird as I'm growing there is a sad possibility I might lose my romantic relationship but this helps me to deal with it and how to handle things, you're a gift

Heidi, thank you so much. ❤ I'm struggling at the moment as a friend to someone who has changed a lot very suddenly. They told me they put their manic side to rest and that it was that side which liked engaging with my trauma. I asked if there were other sides of her that liked other sides of me ,expecting she would comfort me. But she said she doesn't know. We decided to "take it easy" and not have "serious talk" for a while. And I've been trying to grieve the past friendship we had, knowing that if we do make it out of this as friends we will need to build a new friendship from the ground up. Any words from you would mean a lot to me. Thank you

This is something I wish more therapists lead with when beginning sessions with a client/patient. I wish I'd have known it before committing to certain people. People tend to be dishonest about how open they are to growth and change in long term relationships and family dynamics.

Perfect, thank-you Heidi~ 💚🙌

The timing is absolutely crazy. I got triggered by something about my mom's behavior that was traumatic for me and had to decide if to abandon myself for her or het abandoned by her and came on yt and this video popped up. I'm just in the beginning, but I'm excited for it.

Your timing is perfect

Thank you, Heidi ❤

Thank you Heidi

Great content! Thank you so much ❤

Thank you so much 🙏🙏🙏

Hey! I love your videos sooo much!! I’d love to hear your wisdom about women who are chronically single/never had a relationship!

Reframing ❤

Really helpful stuff! I'm commenting on this video just because it's your most recent. Maybe it's time for a video on actually living as who you are now instead of constantly being in motion trying to "heal." I have found that being in a constant state of self-improvement and healing is incredibly draining and toxic for others. You have to show up for others and play the game well as it is for them to get enough out of you to want to reciprocate.

This is brilliant ❤

Ace. Thank you. 🤗🙂❤️🙏

Thanks for talking about this.

You are amazing.

I noticed that with my friend we could feel very connected on the blaming everyone else game but we don’t feel that connected when we both share our intimate experiences like we understand each other less and it’s hurting and upsetting

The Free Therapy Channel

Really really helpful

I wish I saw this last year. I had to cut off everyone and now I’m trying to find new strong healthy connections. I only have 3 close by and 2 more long distance.

This crossed the eithers about 3 days ago. the most important things always do. Not only am I reinventing myself...I will have to reinvent them too. Internalizing....externalizing. Masking. we will find our true selves somewhere in the middle. When I was 6, i traded places with a spider. Been trying to understand the ungrateful idiots on this planet ever since. 25-50 years ago, psychology and interpersonal relationships were more primitive, and often not even addressed in any shape or form. I needed this a long time ago. i only have Karra, and Donna Douglas and Heather O'Rouke to guide me. will you ever do an episode on spiritual deaths?

Hey Heidi! Which book should I start reading at the beginning of my healing journey? I From your other videos I gathered some titles that could help me but I don't know where to start.. - homecoming (j. Bradshaw) - shame that binds you (j. Bradshaw) - cptsd (pete walker) - how we change and 10 reasons why we don't (ross ellenhorn)

Hey Heidi, hope you’ll see this. I would really like to hear your take on narcissists. Your channel has really really helped me, but I have come to a realization that my last partner was a narcissist and it has really thrown me for a loop. Not sure if you’ve done any research on this at all but I trust your insights and would love to hear them.

Great video, very relevant. Would you be able to follow up with one related to work and colleague dynamics?

Heidi you are a gem ❤️

Brilliant

Do you have a podcast where you upload the audio from these videos? I would love to listen but I don’t like spending time on distracting KZfaq, so I would totally listen to a podcast!

Exactly what I need 😅

Yeah we’ve literally trained people what to expect and how to interact with us. We shouldn't be surprised when we change and they flounder.

Heidi is saving my effing life.

Why do we always have to "help others" when they don't give a flying fuck about helping us???

So smart

can we pay you to be a 1 on 1 therapist i woulda literally give you my money for this

Hi Heidi! I've watched you for years. Do you a website or any workbooks for programs about attachment? 😊

My husband started out as a problematic libertarian. Finding people who are willing to grow is the best 😊

Thank you for speaking more slowly. You seem calmer when you speak slower too 😊

Hello Heidi, I hope you are well. I have a topic request. You know how in This Is Us, Randall gets these buildups of emotions that lead to mental breakdowns? I experience something similar. I even can recognize when I'm starting to spiral. But I have no idea what to do, how to intervene, how to cope or stop it. I'm not sure if you already have a video about this, but if not it would be lovely to hear your perspective. Thank you for your videos, thank you for your help.

How does one stop suicidal ideation? I found your other videos really helpful

My husband left bc he didn’t want to change or grow. I feel terrible about it and regret going down this path. I might’ve grown, but now I am alone.