I was almost 50 when I woke up to the realization of being a trans woman, but I had no doubt and immediately started to transition medically, socially, and legally. Looking back, I can now see clear signs from early childhood, but never connected the dots until now due to blaming my issues on childhood trauma and that was something that I needed to overcome and couldn't understand why I was still struggling decades later. My whole life I was attracted towards women's spaces and cared deeply about women's social issues (life-long feminist). The reasons for it taking so long to accept the fact that I am a trans woman is that I was attracted to other women and blamed all my depression, anxieties, and insecurities on the wrong things. I just thought that if I tried hard enough I would one day be comfortable with masculinity and being a man. Many times, throughout my life, I have felt that I was born in the wrong body and that I would have been a lot happier being born a woman, but I also assumed that most men felt the same way. To me, womanhood, femininity, and everything about being a woman seemed so much better than being a man, so it was only natural for men to feel the same kind of envy. There was no doubt in my mind to the answer when I finally asked myself if I was transgender. Being a girl --- a woman --- was a lifelong dream of mine since early childhood. Now I am making my wildest dreams come true.

Sometimes I think that my past complex trauma could have something to do with me possibly misinterpreting these dysphoric feelings as GENDER dysphoria. But then I remember something I read, a quote, that went "All the other people that go through the trauma that you did aren't made trans by it"; and it helps. Edit: grammar

Hello Dr Z. Please post a video about what (pre-everything) trans people can do and how they can cope if they are in places where they can't express themselves, their gender and who they really are.

It is best to find some access to the inner self, not be influenced by others. Most Trans KZfaqrs appearing in my feed are not clinical psychologists but American MTFs who are on their own journey, giving advice. They seem to ooze confidence in a way which - though unintended - sometimes drains mine. Being a woman in the UK is actually different to the US, even down to things like gesture, and use of chest resonance in the voice, and in any case I have to be the me-woman, be an age 55 woman, and an M.E. sufferer woman. Few resources are as precious as yours, Dr Z.

The reason I didn't trust myself during the initial phase of questioning my identity was that I'd been wrong about so many things before. Ironically, it was knowing that I had been wrong about trans issues in the past, such as the internalized transphobia, that led me to believe I could still be wrong at any given time. However, it was my doubts about and willingness to challenge gender norms that led me into questioning in the first place. Coming out as trans, and undergoing any kind of transition, is something you do for yourself more than others. Therefore sometimes you need to be willing to trust your own sense of self, instead of what others have been telling you about yourself your whole life. I've listened to plenty of trans content creators, and mostly ended up realizing just how different my life was from theirs. For one thing, I did not figure out I was trans until I was already older than most all of them are now. I can't compare myself to them, because everyone's circumstances are unique. In fact, it was hearing how little we had in common that fed into my doubts about being trans, since it felt like I was appropriating their experiences. It wasn't until after I'd accepted my own identity and come out that I started to see that I could relate to other trans people in certain ways. The fact is, no two trans people are exactly alike. I can take specific lessons away from listening to others, but I can't hold myself to the standards of others. Since gender is a spectrum and there is a lot yet undiscovered, I very likely fall on a unique point somewhere that isn't close to anyone else. I'll have to figure it out as I go, and that's okay.

Thank you Dr Z, you must have been eavesdropping on my life. I am 69 and I am questioning my gender the way you describe it exactly. I do love to present as a woman when I am at home alone. I do love the woman I feel inside. I guess I would best describe how I feel by the line in the movie with Tom Cruise as "you complete me" when I put on my dress. I still question my gender though and have reached out to a therapist. She told me that I was the only one that could answer that question. Thanks for what you do. Monica

Absolutely. I remember first time going on internet and (in anonymous mode! :D) googled the T word. First it immediately confirmed my suspicion, but the deeper I went the more confused I was, exactly as you said, pulled by two opposite powers. When I found the youth trans world, I even felt like Oh this is too much, this is not me. Yet, today I have my new name and starting T very soon, but it took me 2 years of heavy everyday questioning. Even though I have childhood history (suppressed, forgoten, gaslit and found again).

Hello Dr Z, I have been watching your videos for some time and they really helped a lot. I am AMAB and not 100% sure im a trans woman. I am turning 20 this summer, woke up to realisation before turning 19. I have always dreamt of beautiful long nails, since i was 12. When my female friends started doing long nails to themselves, I would always feel uncomfortable and overly jealous around them. Other than that i wasnt in need to wear feminine clothes etc, but im dead sure i would love it if given an opportunity to dress up. When i think of being a woman, having woman's body, beaing treated as such, wearing feminine clothes etc I just feel like joy and euphoria is rushing through my body. When i was 12 i started training at the gym, got very aesthethic muscular physicue by the 18, and i always liked it. I didnt have gender dyshporia back then. Although i could just absolutely never imagine myself as a grown man, I was doing it because i just basically liked muscles and working on my body and for the feeling of being beautiful, being liked by the girls and being admitted, being widely accepted, liked, and outstanding. I started it because i was very obese. The only thing that makes me hesitate about my gender is when I see my fitness idol (Zyzz) and I start listening to a hardstyle, then i just want to pose and admire my physique, although its very temporary, and realistically, when given a choice of wearing skirt makeup etc or going to the gym, i would never go to the gym again, I would certainly love to just be a girl. I liked being jaked just because of the look, but genderwise, I never wanted to turn into a man. If a had to choose, i would have nothing against loosing this physique and just looking like a normal girl. Basically everyday i experience some kind of gender dysphoria, some days very severe, then I feel like im loosing my mind. Everyday I have thoughts that I would be happier just living as a girl, not even mentioning my long friendships that would need to be turned upside down. All of that is unimaginably hard to me, but as the time passes, im more and more convinced that im just a girl that played a male character very very well. I come out to my close friends and they treat me just as a girl, they call me my new name, and it feels just so right. I feel great hanging out with female friends and doing female stuff. I am so grateful to have them, and as soon as im coming back home and my parents start using my old pronouns and my old name, i just instantaneously feel that something is very off and then I tend to disconnect for about 2 seconds. Need to add I was diagnosed with asperger and ADHD which makes everything harder, but It was never considered before because I function just like every other human being. Sorry for such a long message, needed to leave this all somewhere, maybe I'll receive some advise for what I will be extremely thankful.

At 50 I made an acknowledgement to myself of feeling trans. At the time it felt very affirming and lifted a weight had been carrying. 2 years later and I still struggle to believe / embrace my femme identity. I have a new living partner who knows and loves me however I’m feeling. It also makes me question more because she is a woman and I still mostly present male. She embraces my femme gender identity more readily than I do and I wonder if I’m kidding myself! I know I’ve often thought I would be happier living as a woman, but held myself back from that possibility. Perhaps it is the indecision about choosing that is making me question?! I have found a space where I can experiment with my gender expression and that has been really helpful. The big change of making it every day seems so huge and overwhelming!

Dr. Z, Thank you for another great video and topic. Every video you post makes me realize something more about myself. I am 40 and in short I have a lot of fears about just coming out. I also have a fear of being wrong, even though U think about and wish I was femme when I wake up, when I go to sleep and every hour in between. I have dealt with GD since I was 13 and can remember instances before then as well and when you said that can be "pretty telling" gave me comfort!!

Thank you Dr Z. That was such intelligent analysis of the influences going on today and how we must trust ourselves. Social media covers all extremes and can create such pressure from people who have no understanding of the issues.

Thanks for the video. I spent 28 years scared of the world because I saw how hard could be for a transgender person, my first memory of gender dysphoria was at 4 y/o but when I realized that I might be trans everything changed, it's not that I'm not afraid, but people is constantly telling I'm wrong everywhere, just yesterday a person told that I will never be a woman and that I'll have to give in my body one day to God the way it is, didn't feel offended but I'm just tired of listening to the world and letting the world make the choices for me.

Very good video! Though Im pretty sure Im trans, I do experience some doubts in the back of my mind at times due to these reasons. When other trans people talk about their childhood experiences and say things like 'i always knew i was a boy/girl' theres a part of me that feels discouraged and they seem like 'real' trans people and I'm not one. And sometimes when transphobic people talk about how being transgender is a delusion, though I don't agree at all, there's a part in the back of my mind that thinks 'what if theyre right?'. It can be hard to combat all the doubts because the world isn't designed for us and is centered around the experiences of cisgender people. I think relying on factual information about trans people, and listening to the experiences of many trans people to remind yourself there's not just one narrative of a trans experience is the best way to escape those doubts. Also there's nothing bad if you do end up later not identifying as trans, its all part of a journey of self-discovery which every person should be on. That's how I see it anyway.

When I was 15/16 years old I started realizing that when I looked at guys I wanted to BE them; to look like them. Guys I started dating in college, I would come to reflect visually instead of complimenting them with femininity. I didn’t learn about autoandrophilia until I was an older adult and realized that played a large part in wanting to transition. I am much more comfortable in my skin knowing that I have overcome so many obstacles to even start Testosterone. I know some people separate these sexual desires from the trans identity. I’ve wondered on that some times too- that perhaps I am building this identity around my sexual fantasies but I know it is more than that. I could be the most masc female and know that it wouldn’t be enough.

Hi Dr. Z. I recently found your channel and I love it! I love your nail polish! I'm 57. I'm just now, after working with a very wonderful woman psychiatrist, realize I'm transgender from male to female. I've known since I was a kid. Getting ready to start HRT. I've been painting my nails, fingers and toes since 1997 as well as shaving my arm pits, legs, etc. I don't know if my wife knows or not. Do you think she'll be shocked when I tell her?

I have issues with accepting my identity due to wanting a relationship but feel like I won't be accepted if I transition because of underlying abandonment issues.

Thank you Dr. Z. I was having a bad time and this video really helped me

I think its also probably not uncommon for trans people who came out later in life to have had these early childhood symptoms, but to have quickly learned to repress them (maybe even forget them all together) after years and years of unanswered cries for help. I know personally, Im starting to piece things together, and Im realizing that there was a time where I was very adamant about my gender identity. But it seems to have been pounded out of me (figuratively).

Hi Dr. Z Started with blockers. I don’t Miss trust myself. It’s just changing the paradigms . Of trying to talk of myself as female . I have a problem with hair loss. With my wig I look younger . I get a lot of that I’m a lesbian. Lol. I also have days I do not care what I look like . Till I start hair removal, it will be a Battle. Between male and female. I’m thinking eyes lash lift and permanent eyeliner. It will take time to mold myself into a Trans feminine . At my age 63 it’s hard to shake off the masculine personification.

Thank you Dr Z you are amazing! Thank you for the excellent content as always. I don't care what South Africans say about the current situation we face here. All I want is to start fresh in a country that allows me to possibly have a chance with Transition. I'm 47 and I've had major challenges with work, costs of medical transition and the lack of the correct help with regards to medical transition and safety. On paper the constitution allows for equality but it's far from the truth and I know it's true for many countries throughout the world. Where I stand at the moment is that I'm trying to seek asylum in Canada where I may have a better chance of living authentically. I have a background of addiction and mental health issues due to dysphoria which has made it almost impossible to find employment. There is an organisation in Canada that try assist the LGBTQI +++ community but unfortunately the waiting list for help is incredibly long. I would love to know if there are any of the LGBTQI+++ that could point me in the right direction to fulfill my needs that I so need?

I love you. Thank you for your knowledge

Fab video as always Dr Z! Not sure if you addressed it before but what about the financial cost of transition? I get sticker shock sometimes at the cost, and truly question my sanity at how that could be money in the bank, saving for retirement etc... tks!

I think there can also be forms of feminization that don't fit the typical narrative older adults have been exposed to. Younger generations are more used to subtle forms of feminization or masculinization such as leaning heavily into male or female characters in video games. (I express that in binary terms since you usually only have the two options in video games.) There are also venues such as online roleplay for anime lovers and furries where you can play another gender. As an older adult, I got a little bit of this in childhood but I was also very artistic. So many of my female characters for comics I drew were manifestations of myself in some fashion. I also tended to enjoy using the female action figures such as Scarlet and Baroness from GI Joe, Cheetara from Thundercats, Princess Leia from Star Wars. I remember when I was very young I would put on a red tank top, blue shorts, and pulled the inside out of a hard hat my parents got me to make a tiara to play Wonder Woman. But it was easy to look back on that and pass it off as kids not having such hard lines between gender roles and expression as they acquire moving into adulthood. Still, I think there might be a number of older adults especially out there who explored their gender expression in a much more internalized sense for various reasons who now doubt their identity because they didn't or couldn't engage in overt forms of exploration and expression. And the lack of that overt expression in their history leads to doubt. I may have never tried on girl's clothes when younger, but I remember looking across the way at the department stores at the girl's clothes and sooooooooooo wishing I could go over there. Now, that is not to say using avatars of a different gender expression in games, roleplay, in make-believe, or action figures is a clear sign of gender dysphoria, but it might be a piece of the puzzle that is not as obvious as cross-dressing. It's very much a "your mileage may vary" situation and one also has to be mindful of a revisionist narrative. But, I think they can also be little breadcrumbs of information that might reveal something for someone who maybe grew up in a setting where more overt forms of feminization or masculinization were inaccessible.

dear Tata ,,, i see a difference with your eye makeup ,,, i like the eyeliner now but i also like the smoky style from 3 years ago ,,,, is it possible to blend the two together ???

I think for me personally it's exactly the same thing that makes everything else complicated: I wasn't brought up in the West. My parents are from opposite sides of Europe and I grew up in one of the most diverse cities in Saudi Arabia. I can think of at least four distinct, wildly different cultural takes on gender and gender norms that were around me growing up. These conversations, when they're taking place now in English, are all around Western (predominantly American) norms and ideas. The concept of gender is just... different elsewhere. And since I'm in the West now it's a translation process. If I try to think about myself and what I am in terms of where I grew up then I know, absolutely, solidly what I am. But those concepts don't translate cleanly into Western culture. And it's difficult to unpick whether I act or present myself in a certain way because it's what I want, or whether it's because it makes it more understandable/palatable to the people around me. Hormones could benefit me. But the process of getting them here is long and complicated and I think the only way I'd know for sure if they'd help is trying them to find out. Which isn't something a lot of doctors here really allow for. And I don't know if there is any other way to tell whether doing something like that would be for me or if it would be for other people. I guess what I'm saying is so much of gender expression and experience is cultural. And that makes it more complicated when you're removed from your cultural context or when there are multiple cultures feeding in to who you are.

I recommend a looking at a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) . There are many to choose from and. This may seem strange, but hidden in their qualifications are inter-personal skills sets experience. Which will help you out immensely to master your inter-personal skills. I started out with a gender therapist but that wasn't needed. My LMFT is way better. For me I got to bypass the mistrust so far. Being ignorant, has its perks. I did not realize I had been living in gender dysphoria all my life. So when I realized that was an issue, I had a lot of validation from the past and then I started aligning my gender and whoa nelly I got more validation. I will never return to that horrible life. But it is a part of me and I don't need to feel ashamed of it.

Hello Dr Z. I relate to a lot of what was being discussed in this video. I'm 30 years old AMAB and for a long time, I didn't question my gender identity. There have been thoughts like "what it's like being a girl?" since I became a teenager, but not necessarily thoughts like "I want to be a woman". I hate traditional gender roles that are expected from men and only recently realized I also feel envy towards women. It's very hard for me to separate concepts of gender identity and gender roles from each other. I know that gender identity means "how i feel inside" but aren't "feelings" created by how I perceive and understand things? And my perception and understanding can be wrong therefore I can be mistakenly questioning my "male" gender identity. As of now how I understand things my gender fluctuates between non-binary and female.

… Well that makes a lot of sense.

Thank you for another timely video, Dr Z! Concerning the first category - I have no reason to doubt I am transgender, and I think just never had the awareness of it until my late twenties. I often "regress" temporarily into a pre-awareness mindset when under stress or when I have to function socially. By regress I mean my mind switches tracks to perform my old identity under pressure but this makes me uncomfortable and also leads to a small "recovery phase" until I can finally feel and allow myself to see myself like my "preferred" gender again. Is there a way to not feel so disconnected from my gender feelings during these "functioning" times so that it's less of an up and down every time? I'm just about to start transitioning so I'm still closeted at work

Another good share.. Dr PHD.. A question that comes to mind sort of related might be... What are different sources and causation of denial in A Trans person.. How it relates to Desforia and at what age did it stort. Thinking to my own exsperience.. It was only after many visits with my therapist and me trying to see into my past. There were triggers to the silance and sociatil influences at play.. It's diffent for each of us in our real lived exsperiences , but I can't help but wonder is love or lack there of and what I see as normal family supports one should just have that were denied , would have altered things.. TrMy parent's loved me . just not in a way that allowed me to nurture my auma's to the individual are real and yet the degree to which we minimize them and ignore them is telling in at least as I percieve them.. Real or imagined .. in my own past life froma child all these things led to silence denial and a lake of memories.. More like repressed memories.. There was much shame and other negative emotions that grew out of not feeling safe and loved and simplly nurture like a child or youth needs to be .. I don't mean to say that there wasn't any love as a child , just that it wasn't there in willing support of me and self identy that a child naturaly has.. I didn't fit the norm and the denial of others around me to my truth led to trauma's that I blocked out from memory as a child and only got worse as I grew older into addult life.. I wonder about it is all. It took a lot of digging into my self at early life to find all the things that I had managed to ignore and the reason seems conected to not fealing safe as a youth.. To me denial doesn't mean that I didn't know it means that I was just never allowed to truly exsplore the truth of me and as a child it was just that that was traumatizing.. if that makes any sense.. I always new I think and know today at 55 when I came out and at 65 today after years of revisiting my youth . It was misplaced love by parents that were confused about all this and through their love the either protected me from knowing or sheltered me from know or any number of unhealthy views our sociaty had back then.. Putting it all simply I believe that had I been able to just be loved as in who I really was. the traima's would not have happened and i would of just naturally found my way to being who I am.. Love is the key to it..

I consider myself a conservative, but not right wing. I find myself going between acceptance and rejection of my gender. I'm comfortable being my assigned gender, i can't see myself as a woman, but dream of being one. My Christianity makes me think I should learn to be happy with the body God has given me. But I also see that I have dysphoria and that nature does make mistakes and we seek medical intervention to correct those mistakes. I am just a walking collection of contradictions. I think I found the summary - I'm looking for empirical evidence that I am trans, a brain scan, a blood test. I don't trust my mind. The mind can be obsessive, addictive, and full of all sorts of psychological issues. How do I trust this is real and not just an escapism in my mind?

Brain is to imagine it depends on person if that wants to stop such imagination or not. But i never think of HRT, medical transition. But i have many fanatacis and i want to fullfill all of those with healthy lifestyle. Also gender dysplasia i think is social pressure i.e it is not common to have such feeling or most of the people have but they give becouse of society.....

Hi dr :) do you have any general advice for someone in their late 20s who has been questioning their gender on/off a weekly basis for a while now? But who doesnt live in a safe city to speak to a therapist and wants to discover about themselves first, one more question, do you think its possible someone be bigender or sometimes feel more feminine other times more masculine? Like 2 different people though they have similarities they also have differences

Im Pretty sure you brought up something in this video i complained about in a comment i made on another video of yours. About from this side and that side. I totally get that. Ive tried to talk to councilors about stuff but none of them seemed no offense to them smart enough to dig deep enough to ask the right questions i guess. I never trusted my counsilors. And yes its been a long time since ive trusted myself.

Being trans is not a fetish.

I love ur existence on earth ❤❤

I am unable to say I'm cis and unable to say I'm trans. I feel like im stuck in this doubtful, uncertain state where I barely have a grip on my own identity. I don't know if I even experience gender dysphoria at all, I know I don't like several things about my body, but I can't tell if it's different from someone thinking their face looks ugly. It feels like it's just mixed in with not liking the amount of fat I have and the fat distribution. (It's not very bad but it's unnapealing to me) I am comfortable with being adressed with terms of the opposing gender to what I was assigned, these terms seem to carry a sense of familiarity and acceptance and respect, in my brain. But what if that's just because I grew up with a lot of negative connotations to the gender I was assigned? It is impossible for me to believe my assigned gender isn't generally seen as less capable, as fragile, as something you can't expect the same amount of impressive performance of as the other gender. Thanks to this environment, just thinking of potentially being the gender I was assigned makes me feel weaker, it makes me feel gross. All I know for certain is that I am happiest fantasizing to have a more fit body + it being of the opposite gender from what I was assigned, and that I am jealous of the attractiveness of those of the opposite gender assigned. As a pansexual it is really hard to tell if I am attracted to someone of that opposing gender, or jealous of their looks, or both.

Hi, my name is Skylar, I'm 20 and I'm a questioning transmasculine person. My feelings of gender dysphoria began after I had been stalked and sexually harassed at college around 2 months ago. The trauma of having to see and deal with this guy everyday made me stop and think, "If i was a boy this wouldn't have happened to me." It was subconscious at the time and I'm still wrestling with myself on how to get this feeling to stop because I don't want to be trans. Not saying that in a transphobic sense but just the sheer amount of heartache, pain, and challenges being trans comes with today horrifies me. It saddened me to hear that at my Christian college I go to that IF i decided I was trans i would still be stuck in the women's dorm rooms and not allowed to take hormones solely based on my biological sex. I ended up dropping out due to academic suspension anyways, so I don't have to worry about that.... but still. Luckily I have a lovely group of friends from the college who are encouraging me to take my time and see how I feel with each baby step I take. My mom is gracious enough to let me socially transition and see how I feel. So far, so good! I have also been told by the other extreme side that this means I am trans and need to transition RIGHT AWAY. Which was equally as detrimental on my mental health. Because at the end of the day, I just want a clear answer. I want to know if I'm trans or not. And being in the gray space is difficult, but I'm learning to accept i don't need to know it all right away. I don't need to suppress how I'm feeling and just "be a woman" or rush to get hormones and surgeries I might later regret. And because I felt comfortable living as a woman growing up, (which now even saying the word disgusts me) it confuses me all the more. Like, why now? For me, I've always had a connection to femininity which I believe I confused for being the same as female. I feel like I could be the most feminine person on the planet and still not be "female." But don't feel fully "male" either. I saw myself in transmasculine coded characters like Link from the Legend of Zelda and Toad from Mario Kart. I had some serious gender envy when it came to Link. The way he expressed himself is exactly how I desired to, a non-binary male who liked to dressed more feminine. For a time this summer i identified as a demi-girl because I didn't feel fully like what i perceived to be "a woman" and thought that the neutral/nonbinary piece was just that. But come to find out that what I thought was a woman was just "feminine gender" and what I thought was "neutral/androgynous" was really my partially male side. But despite all of this I still doubt myself because what if it's just because of the trauma I suffered and it's not really me? I don't know. Guess only time will tell.

Also INTP and trans, double whammy of uncertainty of identity and gender

I've been cross dressing since I was 5. I've always wanted to be a girl, and I have more in common with women than with men. Does that mean I am one or is it just wishful thinking? After dressing up all my life, I feel most comfortable presenting as a woman. Am I really female or am I just fooling myself? I no longer think it matters. If I just want to be one, why not?

Im not 100% sure I am trans (mtf) but I have gone on hormones, and if I am or if Im not trans I still like and want all the effects that hormones give me. So is it okay to keep taking hormones even in that situation or do I have to be 100% sure to still want to take them

??? "Gender assigned at birth" concept is flawed in obvious ways. The feeling of distrust you speak of is actually common sense trying to break through this trance of ideology and misconceptions. Is this video helpful or mind- mashing?