A big part of this stems from an unconscious, over-inflated sense of our power to hurt others, thanks to malignant narcissistic parents who made us feel that we were responsible for their happiness.

I'm learning to be very careful how I spend my time, energy and $. No more hand outs to siblings.

1. me first 2. guilt -move on from past 3. pain motivates 4. ask for help 5. courage to change 6. take moral inventory

I’ve observed in myself and others that people-pleasing is a “reaction formation” - one of the most fascinating defense mechanisms, which disguises our real - opposite - feelings. In other words, unconsciously we feel rage (due to childhood abuse) but because we don’t feel safe expressing rage, we overcompensate and become a pleaser. Because we were forced to mirror the needs of our narcissistic parents rather than have them mirror our needs, we adapted the coping mechanism of people-pleasing in order to survive the narcissistic annihilation we felt, which understandably resulted in unexpressed rage. People pleasers typically act out in passive aggressive ways in order to avoid expressing their anger directly because as children it wasn’t safe to express rage toward narcissistic parents. For example, Mary is angry that her friend, Sue, regularly forgets plans they make, leaving Mary in the lurch. Rather than telling Sue directly that she’s angry, Mary, as a chronic people-pleaser, instead unconsciously forgets to reimburse Sue money that she owes her. It feels safer for Mary to forget reimbursing Sue rather than telling her directly that she’s angry or that her feelings were hurt. Personally, I made huge strides in ending my people-pleasing tendencies after two life-altering events: 1. Becoming a mother 2. Going no contact with my family Both of the above were so cataclysmic that they caused me to ditch my people-pleasing ways. I wish it hadn’t required such drastic events but I’m relieved to have broken free from a coping mechanism that was so paralyzing, self-defeating and inauthentic.

That's me exactly...due to being dragged up by a narcissistic mother..I've been brainwashed into believing that everyone else's feelings or sufferings are more important than my own and therefore I was put on this earth to make THEM feel better, even if destroys me..! ..and they don't care if I'm destroyed..they just move on to the next one... [I'm working through and this video really clarified a lot].

Mini rant: My oldest brother who is 16yrs older than me told me to never ask my mum for anything because shes a single mum and she hasn't got much money and 4kids....I was about 5. Plus my mum was jamaican and abit scary when it cane to discipline I never asked my mum for anything. I never went on school trips, rarely got presents that fitted my interests, never played an instrument at school, did not seek help when being bullied for being fat etc etc Overthinking about not wanting to displease or disgust people became a habit. I am machiavellian and have used it mostly for good in my mind. But I also come across as confident but all of it is an act I guess. A crush of mine died of covid and I never got to tell them I loved them...fear of rejection as he was much loved and well known. Im me sometimes and I'm trying to make it full time.... it's hard.

I've watched this 4 times. I so needed this week. Married for 30 years to a covert narcissist and never knew what a narcissist was until a video popped uo in my youtube feed this summer and suddenly all the unresolved arguments, the stares, the silences and the lies thr non-ending senseless lies made sense!!! Thank you for educating us "normal" folk. This summer is my awakening. Thank you for all you do.

Tip #6 Focus on removing the feeling/belief that the only way to be connected to others is to be of service to them.

Cliff notes:) • People Pleasing: a neurotic need to control others emotions. Solution: practice reflection and assertiveness in a ethical manner, with an emphasis on personal needs (respecting yourself and others is a better solution) •Reevaluate guilt (self-acceptance/reflection/authenticity) Practice makes perfect! Let's give it a go 🤞 • Accept others suffering Personal admittance, I tie my suffering with others suffering. Writing "accept others suffering" is very difficult. Therefore I will trust myself using discretion and reflection to not act in a way that would cause harm to myself or others, which includes the acceptance of others suffering. "All neuroses [all mental health issues] are rooted in a drive to avoid legitimate suffering." Jung/Richard • 🥕 Bonus tip: You are not a hero. Coddling behavior is harmful to both parties. • People pleasing is a gateway to potential abuse (hugs you are not alone) • Ask for what you want: Use your voice. Know what you want. Know what you need. Know your boundaries. Be admirable with your words and your actions. Accept NO as an answer. This will save you from suffering in the long run. • Be Courageous: Control is an illusion. Love and be loved without the B.S. “This above all: to thine own self be true And it must follow, as the night the day Thou canst not then be false to any man/Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!” Shakespeare Thank you Richard! And everyone watching this. We got this!

Here is a fun fact from my own life. There was a woman in my life who was a bit of a people pleaser. She constantly tried to help everybody. Her son was somewhat spoiled because she clearly helped him way too much. He found a girlfriend who was taking care of all of his problems the way his mother did. But here is the point. This woman tried to "help" me many times. I had to refuse every single time because I did not need her help. However once I really needed help with something. It was something really small but very important to me. And she said "no". Because she was way too tired and busy "helping" other people. Moral of the story: when I needed help she was not there for me. But otherwise she was really annoying trying to fix my problems all the time. Also her attitude spoiled her son. And many people used her because she was a people pleaser.

Well, you petty much handed my ass to me on a platter. Thank you! Very refreshing.

Yes I can’t believe how much I put myself down, feel inferior etc. Walk into a shop, friendly chat and then I start to feel like I probably should buy something and this sense of shrinking and feel guilty even looking. What the heck...we’re all the same. I consciously settle in my happy place and say thankyou. Lol...

I am at a loss for words or at least a loss for the right words to adequately and effectively convey how this video penetrated my layers of denial, justification & internal rose colored glasses. I literally could feel my heart sink as though an anvil had been placed on my chest when you said "ditch the act". Something (finally) clicked in me that I don't have to make myself a doormat for others. The notable part in that last sentence is MAKE MYSELF in that I am taking responsibility for the fact that nobody else can "MAKE" me be their doormat. (Disclaimer: I am aware of situations where the person has no choice but I am referring to my adult relationships.) Thank you Richard for putting so much time, effort, heart & truth in all of the content you put out. 💌 Love from Oklahoma

"No means no, and you let it go" thanks for the new mantra for my collection

If someone requires me to feel bad and ignore myself when THEY were the ones who hurt me, I remove myself from the situation. I literally don't care what they think of me if they expect me to be responsible for them and ignore myself when they have done wrong. I'm not their mom, never will be, I'll never want to hover over and parent them as though they are a child. I'm happy to say that I'll never allow myself to be designated someones caretaker/mom when they are supposed to be my partner. Its dysfunctional and toxic to have that mommy/child dynamic as its all about being their support system through EVERYTHING. They will gain satisfaction from getting you to forget about yourself just to put all the attention onto them. Thats abusive. When you leave a narcissist, don't care what they say to others. They can lie about me all they want, as I know its just lies to cover their own terrible behavior and phoniness towards me as well as others.

I choose to be a rough tough cream puff!!! Blessings from a Child of The Most High!!! SDS

My anxiety and fear are so high just thinking about these things...thank you Richard.

Hmm I have started trying out these tips and so far every time that I refuse myself from rushing to everyone's rescue, deep down I always say sorry to the person in my head. But I remind myself that I have to Stretch. Someone also broke a promise to me and I was strongly tempted to complain and make them feel guilty so that they do what they promised. This was because I felt that if I just let it go, they might see that I'm soft and think that I can be manipulated. But I remembered the message here and just let it go. Interestingly, the person later changed their mind and did what I wanted them to do... without any arguments or disgruntles between us. :) This really works. Thank you Richard Grannon.

Thanks for condensing this down Richard.

I subscribe to your channel and love you!!! (I am an easy target to narcissistic abuse and divorced one) BUT... I have Aspergers (recently self diagnosed at 59) and your advice is excellent for my new reality and learning how to be me. Autistic people mask their true self and go with the flow to the point they often loose their sense of self. All my life people thought I was weird and I was bullied because my brain functions differently. I've always done my best to fit in and please people to avoid rejection and negative reactions to my quirks such as mocking and/or bullying. Just last week I was mocked so there is still a lot of ignorance in the world. It's scary and painful and extremely challenging for me to be real and honest all the time. People don't understand me and I used to present myself not to turn them off. I look normal, act normal, walk normal. My disconnect is that I lack social cognition and verbal communication skills to naturally interact with other people. What I took from your video is to speak up more and ask for what I want/need and being less manipulative (ouch). If more people understood about neuro-diversity (Autistic vs neuro-typical) it would help to allow one to be themselves in society. There is a complete void of knowledge when it comes to the Autism Spectrum, myself included until recently. The "Rain Man" preconceived notion that we bang our heads or repeat phrases needs adjustment. I am an intelligent somewhat successful woman that no one would ever suspect was Autistic and I fooled them all. I encourage you to continue to help the world be more welcoming to those who think outside the box. Thank you Richard, for helping me in so many ways to muster the courage.

I loved this video! I ended up in 12 step meetings 20 years ago as an alcoholic and I was so fortunate that through seeking relief from the addiction, I was exposed to the truth about my own dishonesty and self centredness... I was able to understand how our unhealed grief and trauma and subconscious fears manifest as a maladjusted ego that believes the only way to survive is through dishonesty and self betrayal... I especially loved Tip 4 on asking for what we want (instead of doing the whole theatrical drama of sulking and slamming doors, withdrawing emotionally and snapping, “NOTHING” when asked what’s up? And having the courage to do so as well as the humility to accept a no instead of allowing a “no” to send us into the shame spiral of perceived personal rejection where to protect the wounded self/false self we become resentful and then launch into narcissist 101 behaviours - anger, punishment via withdrawal or gossiping about the person, love bombing through over the top people pleasing to regain the former feelings of power and control in the relationship, being manipulative with behaviours that don’t match our words, retaliation through being passive aggressive and unreliable etc., fuck, we are more like the narcissists than we want to believe when we’ve done no inner work or are deeply identifying with our shadow self lol... I used to find it strange because I knew that I behaved like this due to the emotional sickness of substance addiction and mainly engaged in this behaviour when in active addiction... It confused me for awhile to learn that some people are like this sober lol... and then the day came when I had to face my own codependence... it’s amazing how being guilty of certain behaviour or actions gives us instant empathy and compassion for others lol 💙💙💙

I feel like there needs to be support for 'victims of people pleasers' 😅 I like how this talk also indicates the dysfunctionality of people pleasing & i wonder if this can feel quite toxic for others? What do others see... a poor people pleaser or actually a vulnerable narcissist? (I can never tell if the people in my own life are vulnerably narcissistic or toxically people pleasing & it's quite confusing) People pleasing attributes from the video: Martyrdom. Manipulative indirect comments. Passive aggression. Shame & guilt. Deception. Keeping up an act through manipulation. Lack of honesty/authenticity. Managing other people's perceptions. Getting what you want through manipulation. I'll add a few: Don't say what they mean or mean what they say. Bottle it up & spew like a volcano (rages?). Lack of accountability for themselves. Moaning about "everything they do for others". Entitlement from that. Self-absorbed on pain & not getting needs met. Victim mentality. These are all things that seem both people-pleasing & narcissistic to me. And will cause issues & pain in a relationship. Does anyone else see this? Is there overlap? Does one flow into the other? Where is the difference? I wonder if the frustration & bitterness of neurotic people pleasing can eventually turn into the tyrannic victim mentality of a vulnerable narcissist?

Some gold advice here. It's interesting to me how so much of human philosophical speculation, is based around denial of selfish tendencies. Being selfish is natural and what drives us in many cases to succeed -- the caveat being, one should be mature enough not to become greedy. Manipulative people have a tendency to prey on those who do not strive for desires of their own, leveraging this tendency to work for their own selfish striving.

It is important to note that "people pleasing" is something we picked up along the way at a time in the past wherein we were taught it virtuous to think of others first rather than having our own needs met. A faulty behavior learnt in early childhood from my family of origin. True, it could also be a bye product of childhood abuse as a coping mechanism like forming a reaction aka "reaction formation" to avoid negative consequences and attract positive stroking as a reward for doing good to others as against being able to assert your own rights due to core shame resulting from abuse. Thanks Richard for making me aware of this and suggesting ways to overcome the faulty behavior picked up unconsciously.🙏

There are two abusers in the narcissist/codependent diad - the narcissist AND the codependent - we need to stop allowing ourselves to abuse ourselves. What’s worked for me lately is just starting w basic dignity towards myself, nothing more flashy than that, eventually I will become a cheerleader for myself but for now I’ll take dignity!

Thank you. I've saved this video for every time I'll need the pep talk. I'm 48 years old and still needing to hear this.

What a beautiful and caring approach. Not at all derogatory. Helpful and respectful. Thank you so much. I got a lot out of this. Cant wait to listen to more of what information you have to offer

Guilt - the gift from the Catholic Church which keeps on giving...

Wow awesome, I really needed to hear this. Thank you.

I didn't realize how much I needed to hear this. Thank you, this was very well explained.

This resonated so strongly with me. Many thanks for sharing.

seeking admiration, from others and overestimating the value of the opinions of others. Do you love yourself? Probably not. Your parents didn't teach you about that. You need to learn how to do that. Self-esteem, self love, self respect. Know thyself.

Love the way you explained that! It's like I get it, really understand!

What an eye opener. Thank you, Richard.

Thank you for making videos on these subjects, it’s fascinating to get different perspectives on mental health and ways to deal with things bc it can ultimately lead to realizations you’d never have if not for those different perspectives. You’re one of my fav ppl on this platform and it’s great to see some videos of yours getting so many views. You deserve it and we are all truly blessed to have your insight. Keep doing what you’re doing! Sooo I only have my bachelors in psych and probably a lot of ppl reach out to you everyday but I’d really like to help with your videos in some way or if you have a blog that needs proofreading or fact checking or typing out your videos to make articles. I admire your brain lol. Anyway just thought I’d put it out there!

I can't thank you enough for posting this video. It's opened my eyes

This is a big change from the usual rambling that is amusing, entertaining and informative. I do like the new format and editing.

That video was exactly what I needed to hear right now. Spot on. Thank you for sharing your insights.

fucking brilliant as usual. Feels like everyone I know -myself included- has some of these traits- habits- ways of relating- more and more I am realising how sick - as a collective we have all become- we are all just individual reflections of denial stemming from the collective consciousness- we need a big shift out of this low level frequency- and why I appreciate all your work. thank you.

You're the best! I am improved by listening to your videos. Thank you.

I'm glad you are editing these down to the core content. It's better to share - when I've shared others with people they have not wanted to watch because of the length. Even when I tell them to just watch the content without the questions answered, they are still reluctant. :) Have a great day, Richard.

Excellent thank you Richard. Recapping these points is so necessary with PPS ...cos it's a hard and needs constantly disciplined practice

My stars, Richard!! You've helped me so incredibly much, and I've only watched a few of your videos!!! It's so weird when you awaken to what's been going on. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you💜💜💜

Lots of 'penny dropping' moments listening to your sessions and the sense of freedom / permission to overcome the issues, people pleasing in particular. Love it! Great stuff 🙂🙃

Really good video Richard. I found it really helpful. Thank you

Thank you for your video. Just on time I needed it. And it crystal clear.

This REALLY makes sense.! I have just had a Eureka moment ! Thank you gorgeous man.💟

Thank you Richard. I have a lot of trouble with guilt that I need to learn how to deal with. This was very helpful.

Amazing video! You just cut thru the BS I’ve avoided seeing about myself. Gosh - I had no idea I try to get what I want without just asking for it in a straightforward way. Thank you!!

Wow....Richard you have such wisdom..thank you for sharing it with us ❤

Thank you, this is very helpful x

Really related and enjoyed this advice. Thanks for breaking it all down, Richard.

Your words & work reflect your expanding consciousness! Better & better-been following you 5 years!Thank you!🙏

You're awesome Richard, thanks!

Thank you so much for this video 🙏🏼 just discovered your videos binge watching

this was an incredible video/resource ty so much!!

Clear, simple, well organized. Very helpful. Thank you so much.

Practice self respect ... , yes thanks Richard great video that is a clear, digestible summation of some highly complex ideas !

This is a very simple, effective, memorable, useful, awesome, video. Thank you Richard Grannon.

It's always uplifting to listen to your coaching.Thank you Big Brother Richard. Best regards Rebotile

Excellent tips. Thank you!

Thank you so much Richard. It's hard work. There is such a huge fear burned in my brain associated with expressing my needs and asking for help. But it's the best work I can ever do for my own good. Thanks for sharing

Bravo! Once again👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

This is invaluable information. Fair play to you👍

This was really amazing small session which will help me to move out from soft speaking and people pleasing . Thanks buddy

excellent video - thank you for posting

I love your work in this area, it really hits home and enlightens me to what is actually happening internally inside me.

Thank you. I will save this and refer back to this one.

Thanx, mr. GRANON. Those Tips are essential .

Brilliant Richard as usual guiltt as charged wow ..Started with teaching and giving and coaching learning to love me again learning to say no its slowly working and with the realisation that I can and an anxiety has gone...Now I have left ho of people drainging me I feel so.much better and have put massive boundaries down..Thabks for the reminder.. dealing with the guilt was the magic word..I will remember the " Cup cake " love that bless you.. Am I being a cup cake will be my mantra around people bless you for yoir wisdom and your incredible gift of articulation in a really clear and consise way .

Thank you so much for this,it’s like seeing an x-ray of myself and seeing how to remove the cancer I’ve allowed ( fed , more like) to grow in my psyche All the best, take care 🙏👍

This is a great summary of some of your deeper and more "theoretical" talks about codependency. This is basically in words someone who is not well read in the theories can understand without seeing anything else. 👍

Thank you Richard, very helpful X

Excellent Video, Richard. For all 3 C-Lovers (CLEAR--CORRECT-CRISPS) with answers and explanations. Really helpful and honest. Thank you for that.

Valuable video thanks. I'll keep this one handy

Thank you so much ! Perfect timing for me...

Richard, I feel as if struck by the light of clarity! I must observe to see when saying NO is an act of kindness not only for myself but other people, not let myself be blackmailed into giving my time, my energy, my emotions. To see in which situation saying NO actually serves them to deal with legitimate suffering and act like an adult.

Hello Richard, have only seen 20 mins of your work. I truly enjoy listening to your discussions. I find them very helpful and it is a pleasure to watch your videos. I look forward to watching more! Take care and thank you.

This video is perfectly timed for me Richard. Thanks for posting it. I had a problem with a disabled neighbour's dog barking and because I feared him maybe being funny with me I took the lazy option, proposed by friends, and filed a complaint to the council. Long story short I felt it wasn't right to go down that path when I made the call. I've since closed the complaint and am trying to resolve it with the neighbour because it's the more grown up thing to do I think. He re-homed the dog too. I liked that dog. I didn't want him to lose the dog. This could have been handled so much better and I'm going to try harder from now on for my sake. I've noticed my tendency to flip to people pleasing to make up for mistakes too.

I feel peaceful hearing your voice. You have great energy and a kind way of teaching. I hope I can integrate your advice in my daily life. My biggest wish right now is building healthy relationships! Thank you! Have a great day!

As usual, well expressed, and makes perfect sense..

So true so many lie if they would just ask maybe they would get farther but people out here are takers and users , abusers, and get off on the pain. Smh so sick fr

for me,this is a life changing lesson,a zero point..not trying to sound all grandiosssso,but...I am very thankful,very grateful..ty sir

Love the stretching analysis! The body literally feels that way! More stretching!! :)

Thank you, its easier to turn it off, but best to fight on and win the big prize of Self Esteem/Love.....xxxxxx

Yes, yes... brilliant again Spartan! +1

Thank you, Richard. Always a pleasure to hear your words of wisdom. Btw, keep growing that beard! Being hairy suits you. Peace.

Since my break up i have been watching your vids and i will take courses soon, i know i need to learn, improve my self, my persona, my mental charachter, i know i need a lot of work, i always was somebody that took care of the other person, and more i dive into this thing called Psychology the more i NEED TO FIX MY SELF, and im happy to know there are answers out there now i have to put in time and effort and let the healing begin!!! 😄😄

Thank you..great video, very helpful

Thank you. Watching your video has given me pause for thought; to reevaluate my behaviour and ethics. Watching this today has given me a much needed reality check! 🤦‍♀️🤣

I so badly need you im going through my own evolving and transformation im a natural empath caring for feelings over feelings only very little people understand that sir thank you for existing i appreciate your guidance dearly thank God i crossed your plat forms thank you

Thanks Richard love 💓 your work

These 5 tips happen to make a very handy mudra! Thanks, Richard!

Thanks for this, Richard.

I love the yoga analogy in tip #1. It’s perfect. I also think tip #4 is absolutely necessary for anyone struggling with codependency to be aware of in their behavior. I have seen people with codependency do more damage through manipulation than the addict/alcoholic in their life. Personally, I need to work on #6. I complain way too much at work when things get frustrating.

Very good insight and excellent advice 👌

Thanks for this. ♥️ your videos.

I’m not sure how I arrived at this video but found it very interesting and informative- thank you! I will subscribe and check out a few other videos.

Wisdom in number 5 freedom looks like getting on with it, amen to that..

Great stuff. Thank you.