same, but now i spoil myself. i say, if i had a husband who tduly loved me, would he let me do, buy, etc for myself. of course its always yes:) it helps to use to give yourself permission

Wow same Constant movement,

Don't !

Correct. Because we not love ourself. We learned to love the others in a distorted way. With meditation we can heal. Taking out time and deeply breath.. In the most lovely surrounding we can built for us. Like a nest. This is when my soil starts rising.

Same, but I eventually put religion/spirituality in place of the parent. I thought I had moved past the parent issue but took another 30 years to realize my image of God/Source was that of a demanding father that loved me but was never quite happy with my performance. My thought process: "I'm not sure what, but I must be doing SOMETHING very wrong or my life would be better." I basically created a replacement demanding oppressor in my own mind.

Not all the time. Sometimes narcs are extremely interested in you, not because they care but because they're studying you, learning what makes you tick so they can plan their lives in yours

abbas joy- exactly. some of the comments on here portray narcissists in one way. the fact is- prayer is the key and discernment to know what’s safe and what’s not

It does show acceptance and respect and it is so beautiful

though rare as hens teeth

Yes, sometimes they listen for ways to trap you later on. Genuine people don't act like this. Usually though you can tell what they are about after a few interactions.

I'm 43 and it's the same for me. My father, younger sister, and ex-wife are narcissists. I've been living in isolation for the first time for about 2 years now. Ironically during that time, I'm finding a kind of focus that I've rarely been able to maintain because of other people always being around. I'm able to concentrate on myself and what I need to do in my life without feeling guilt or shame, or worry or doubt or fear. I also - as you say - feel "safe" in a way I cannot ignore. I realize it's the first time, in many ways, that I've ever felt this feeling of simply being able to exist without some threat, punishment, criticism or pressure. In an ideal world, I would be able to share life with someone, but I also am seeing how safe I feel in isolation and how productive it has been for me, and it crosses my mind at times, that now that I've found this, I don't know that I'm willing to run of the risk of sacrificing or jeopardizing it for anyone.

@@ets5697 Your description 'I feel safe in a way I can't ignore'. Is perfect. I know what you mean. I resent it when I have to engage with people in person. 'Safe' people seem to be a rarity and at this point in my life I'm not willing to give up the space I feel good in to seek them out.

48 here - and same - father, ex-husband and sister :(

Same - living in private isolation is ironically the ONLY way us survivors can live like a normal human being. It's hard to overcome distrust of others and find safe ppl when you escape in yr 40s and 50s

I can relate to that

Also, no negativity. Complaining, criticizing or comparing.

Well and more freedom to be authentic, not having to mask so much. That's what I look forward to in my future safe relationships, what must it be like to feel completely yourself and feel accepted by those around me. What we all wish for

I really don't think it's true that safe people are super happy, nor is it true that they have no negativity, no complaining, no criticising... In many many situations (consider, when you are the victim of narcissistic abuse) it is appropriate to not enjoy it, to see it negatively, to complain about it, to criticise the abusers.

​@@Hippowdon121 THIS. I'm safe but I'm 😢

​@@kimberleyb4002sounds like toxic positivity

Yes, they are quite literally the result of the same abuse.

Than you are in their game. If that happens the focus is on trying to please others, if we not feel competent about ourselves we not talk at all. So we isolte. The key is to notice the dussapearance of joy in us. Look out for what makes us happy and give it to us. Stop looking to find something worthy to give the other. So wrong. Life and do what you like 100 pro!

I appreciate you so much because I recently stopped dealing with a woman who got mad at me for not being the same religion as her, and looking back at her behaviors it’s pretty clear she’s got some narcissistic traits if not full-blown NPD. Thank you for pointing out that this is a common with them now I can watch for it ❤

This (being ok with others having their own preferences) seems like a no brainer. But it was so ingrained into me since childhood that it took me well into my 60s to see how abnormal my family system was. Continuing to insist I must like the same music, TV shows etc as they do. When I finally moved physically to place where I felt joy and peace I was bombarded with “concern”. I’ve gone NC (without anger or malice) and things are FINALLY becoming clear. The peace is incredible.

Same here ❤ I was so conditioned to be the "bad guy".

Maybe, but even if that's true you became that way on their watch or as a result of inheriting their genetic material. It's more likely what you had to offer threatened to either expose or outshine them. One doesn't need to designate a loser (undermine competence) if he can find some way to take credit for it behind the child's back.

❤️❤️❤️ sending you love ❤️ what a lie, remember they can’t really see you. They can only see what plays in their own mind. I hope you’re finding kindness and love for yourself. Through that a sense of who you are, and your inherent worth. I believe we are all made beautiful and miraculous beings. Don’t play their fake role for you!

I experienced this too but you are not a loser in truth. This is their own projection of themselves onto you.. ThEY are mentally defective and immature losers

@@dreamscape405I’m sorry that you also have experienced this. It is undeserved, and I hope you know that you are more deserving of compassion than you were led to believe.

Yeah, be useful and/or support my gradiosity - else you are nothing to nobody and deserve contempt

Be gone.

It's so nice to read your positive comment. At some point we have to realize that by self-isolating and withdrawing from everything, the only people we're hurting are ourselves. Bessel Van Der Kolk, who, among others, says it's impossible to heal on our own and that it's only by finding connection with ourselves can we release the trauma.

Yes!!!!!

Yes

My family has been the same. Living in peace, just a few safe people.

Healthy people being vetted and paired with survivors is called therapy. Otherwise you're simply using healthy people as a therapist. I survived a malignant narcissist mother and diagnosed sociopathic ex. It isn't our friends' or support group's job to act as our therapists; that's a lot of weight to place on them.

@@ArtemisSilverBow I beg to differ. One cannot associate socially with their therapist. A safe person can just be someone to have fun with & not feel threatened by. They play very different roles, imo.

Instead of the question Will something bad happen to me if I am me?

So sorry, that is horrible!😢

My mother accused me of being the cause of all her sorrow as well as her marital problems since I was little.

Wow! I hope you're no contact now. What a despicable oxygen thief she is/was. So happy you can see her clearly 🥰

OMG! 😮

What, really?? Omg...

How you know if they didn't like your comment... it only shows likes.

Oh my God I never noticed I did this until you pointed this out. A lot of us are so conditioned to think there's something really bad/wrong with us, because of the people that were supposed to love and care for us. Sometimes it feels like a curse, a death sentence at birth that one is supposed to carry out, and often I've blamed myself because why on Earth would someone do something so horrible to another human being, the same as they are? It's baffling.

Beautiful harp. Also a survivor of abuse, and your comment just caught my eye because of the harp in your pic. I’ve been binging harp content here on KZfaq (it’s been a dream since childhood to play one), I will give your channel a listen 😊

Commenting again to ask, is that a welsh triple harp? I only just learned of them and I am seeing three rows of strings there.

It doesn't matter if they like it. That question is such a scapegoat one. No offense. I know thus deeply ingrained fear of saying something wrong. Don't gibmve a f* what others think

Having a pet is one way to deal with it.

You summed up my feelings perfectly. I grew up with an alcoholic father, narc mother and had a narc husband for fifteen years. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to meet new people and pray the cycle of abuse doesn't start all over again. The only safe zone is alone. I have a dog and that helps. I just wake up every day and try to make the best of things.

I’m pretty extroverted… But my mirror relationship is so stressful and at times toxic- it is improving but the damage has been significant. I dont have the social energy sometimes to go do stuff cuz the toll my difficult marriage has had on me. Plus my hubby isolates and usually has close friends that validates him rather than challenges him and he doesnt like that in me… He wants to feel “comfortable”. I have learned while relaxation is important- lassie faire and laziness breeds bad things. We can rest and be content while growing and learning to be better. We can also be friends with people who are good for us and are safe but also challenge us in good, healthy ways to be better

Maybe because being alone feels freeing to be oneself and one enjoys a rich interior life whereas being with others is what causes the feelings of isolation.

just because someone has a lot of friends doesn’t mean their safe- some narcissists like a lot of attention. just be yourself and try to see who you can get along with....

they* are safe^

I’m learning that sometimes less is more… It’s harder to maintain a large group of friends and know who’s on your side who isn’t . It’s pretty easy to maintain a few friends , even if they don’t really know each other. You can really see who they are. There’s certain qualities that are needed to have a trusted friend … you are not gonna find that in a large group. Pay attention to larger groups of women: there is always the head chicken who tells everyone else what to do… they love having a large group of women around them for the influence and control. It’s pretty easy to pick that out. The harder time is in smaller groups of women where everyone is pretending to not want to control … you’ll find the women… usually in smaller groups. It’s passive control rather than overt boisterous control in a large group. The smaller group of women will try to convince you to put up with things you shouldn’t and will use their emotions and how they feel through their “heart “ what you should do. Real friends are honest with you in a loving way … they let you know when what you do is hurting them or bothering them. Real friends ask how you are doing… I realize I wasn’t a real friend for a long time because of my own problems and my own hurt… I didn’t care about others like I thought I did. That attracts bad people . Now that I am learning and healing from narcissistic parents and working through my part of what causes issue in my marriage and my husband either ignore or deal with his own issues- I’m not there to rescue him. He’s not here to rescue me… that is individual work. But since I have worked very hard on myself the past several years , I have much better friends and I’ve been to release those who seem unhealthy…. It doesn’t mean people don’t have problems or struggles … friends don’t gossip and destroy you behind your back; they care about you and they want to know how you’re doing but also talk about each other and get to know who you are not just what you are to them. Remember, even bad friends will be there for you if they want to feel good about themselves … can you show up on the doorstep at the moment. Are they there for you when no one else notices? Your friends don’t care about getting credit for things they’re just there and they want you not what you can do for them

Sounds like she grew up with a narcissistic parent.

This is perfect ❤

Anybody else see it?

Can you explain what a sigma empath is?

It's why I finally realized that it isn't worth pursuing another relationship, both due to my age, & how much of my life I want to live on my own terms. Every ex sabotaged my pursuing my own dreams. Today, I put all my energy into my SoulFam members, as well as working on my creative legacy

My mind does that too! So I then wonder what important things I missed, rewind, rewind! Sometimes I also wonder if something is too hard for me at that time to handle and so my mind zones off in a different way to a safer space for a while. Then I bring myself back and go, "Hey what was I thinking about that for"?, That's not what this video is about! Tangents have pros and cons, don't they? 🙂

That’s a beautiful expression; agree with you!

You may want to pause; thinking that a ‘next relationship’ has the answer to tell you something about yourself sounds unhealthy to me.

@@Sparrow0514 relationships are the best teachers i think you may have misunderstood my intentions, i have been single for almost 3 years.

Thank you for being there for your children. I will no longer put myself in the company of my elderly parents. My son and daughter are grown, and I trust they can hold up to alone time. But, I find myself doing less and less in regards to my mother, especially her. I will never supply her with anything except silence.

👊

My x has 6 Aunts and plenty of cousins. He knows he can take advantage of them, live off them .. and smirks and brags about it. He's pathetic and will get caught in his true crimes.

@@kristahackleylmt2064 👍

that is so true

Because you feel responsible for how she feels.

@@jenster29 thank you for seeing this. You're right. I've spent my whole life trying to control everything around her so she won't get angry. It's a seething malevolence, and terrifying.

Maybe it's because you know ....2 wrongs don't make it right. In other words, you aren't paying evil for evil!

@@TurtleHillTx I definitely don't want to be evil. I would like to be able to protect myself though. Tell her that her words hurt me.

You are a compassionate person. Good for you!

Don’t give up!!! FIGHT for your life! its the enemy wants take you down, rebuke all the negative thoughts, don’t drink, eat healthy, you will recover!!

Disneyland is always a good idea

Stuff like Disneyland is immature and illogical, it's irrelevant to a meaningful existence, and that's probably why no man is interested in it. Add all that expenditure and he's definitely heading out ahead of time.

im glad you said this ❤ i was looking at that pyramid a few times last week & thinking about how i prob/may never have #3. i kind of do w God though. it’s not human connection, but it is still connection for me. thank you for sharing!

Hell, my siblings & I were slapped with onlookers. Kicked like bad little puppies with observers. So, now when the fairy tale doesn't make sense, it is somehow my fault. I forgive the physical abuse. The tongue lashes and emotional mistreatment that now take center stage are driving me away.

@@DebbieLee-dr3hr I'm sorry :( I'm glad it's over now, at least. I don't know what to say. It's difficult for me to imagine what you've been through, to feel it myself... When hitting a defenseless child, you have no empathy... That goes hand in hand with narcisism

Yes. It's called love bombing and it's manipulation

It sounds like codependent behavior. Codependents think they mean well, but can end up overwhelming others. I can see how it would be too much!