Also, so sick that the narc requires loyalty, yet they have no loyalty toward the scapegoat.

My sister always posts Holiday or family get togethers on facebook with long comments on what they are doing and how great it is. Big smiles. I was at all these things in my younger days for decades and it was never that way. It was cruel , mean, loud, obnoxious people shouting and saying disparaging things. I get so confused when I see her posts.

Absolutely. My parents are quite weak as individuals. Their strength is as a couple. They have stonewalled me on a number of issues and these silences and the stonewalling have goaded and bated me to display anger which I was then judged very harshly for. The focus is all on the anger I have displayed. They will not see their defensiveness/co-dependency, their intransigence, triangulation, manipulation, their silent treatments, their stonewalling, their view that my perspective is an act of aggression perpetrated against

I read “1984” when I was in high school too. It put me into another imaginary world that I knew I would be living in in the future. I realize now that I was always living in it since the day I was born. It’s quite mind blowing!

No. You are not making it up. Your depression & anxiety & delusions or dissociation is evidence of a psychologically/emotionally abusive situation. i won't use the word relationship, because this is not a real relationship, no matter if you're related to the person or not.

The guilt of having elderly narcissist parents is also heavy. I want to be there for them but can't because it's too damaging. It's odd, even at their most vulnerable (old age) they still ruin it for themselves and everyone who could help them.

What makes these accusations so dangerous is that there is some truth to them, which makes them virtually irrefutable. My judgement is NOT always sound; my motives are NOT always pure. I've noticed that in safer relationships, the question seldom even arises, though, and when it does, there is more mutuality to it. It's more like, 'yeah, I've made that error, too, and learned from it. What did YOU learn?' Being accused of having poor judgement and impure motives is a little like being accused of being human! It's not a false accusation; the lie is that the abuser is superior or infallible or has a right to pass judgement on the motives and judgement of others. It's also a lie that we have an obligation to have 100% sound judgement or 100% pure motives. No one does! The best we can do is take care of ourselves and do no harm, and continue to learn and grow.

My mother expected me to believe all sorts of nonsense about my self. I was clumsy, forgetful, nobody liked me, not very intelligent were the favourites that she would tell her parents and other family members. She also joked that money just burnt a hole in my pocket , but golden child sister would save any money. She didn't know that I was secretly saving, and when she found out, she went crazy and claimed I owed her all the money for my upbringing. But it was too late, I was 18, she never got the money and she never found out how much it was.

This is an insight I really need. Sometimes, it’s the parent who’s not the obvious monster who does the most damage.

This also describes something that narcisists tend to do, and that is called gaslighting. They deny your reality, they deny they said something earlier, or did something. To them it didn't happened, or if it did, you deserved it. The example mentioned here also connects on one other topic (covered in another Jay's video), that narcisist can't let you have joy in your life that is not connected to them.

The people with the “good enough” parent will never understand what a jumpstart they had. Their parents actively or passively supported them in their pursuits. Whereas our parents actively sabotaged, mocked or shamed us for our pursuits.

I was drawn to this video because, as a young teen, I was forced to believe that a relationship with someone who genuinely cared about me was something I had made up. Only now, 39+ years later, have I realized that it was genuine. It was real. The reason my abusive narcissist mother forced that person from my life and out of my conscious mind was because she was terrified of losing her scapegoat. I would have left. I would have gotten out. I would have had support, encouragement and love. But, then, what would she do???

That's what the abusive people love to thrive on is gaslighting the scapegoat, it's easier for them to call the scapegoat crazy and then look at themselves, especially when people never question their accusations. Recovery is possible but we need the right support

Words can not describe how good, and at the same time excruciatingly painful it is to finally find out the truth. These videos, in combination with lots of therapy give me validation for the things I knew and felt deep inside.The bubble has burst and I'm deeply hurt for the years that I've lost. My family broke me and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them for what they did.

Until I learned more about the Narcissistic family system with it's scapegoat requirement, I never had a clue as to what happened to me as a kid and why. Finally, the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together. Thanks so much Jay for sharing your knowledge. It's making it possible to finally feel some degree of hope. Though now a senior, I really want to experience life differently than before, even if for a relatively limited time. Thanks again Jay.

As I've gotten older I feel more and more unsafe around people. I'm frozen most days. Out of options.

I was not only mistreated by my parents, but I encountered too much rejection from the kids in my neighborhood and my schoolmates.

Thought I was losing my grip so many times. Seeing how narcissist think is so powerful, you regain your sense of reality and your power.

Yeah, my Mother said, "You Just have Fair Weather Friends." with a voice dripping with contempt. She would dump on the best part of me.

My mother tells me she can't remember anything about me as a child (looks coldly distant when asked); whilst recanting lovingly detailed stories about my 3 brothers. However, when I tell my own story to others who may be inquiring kindly about some aspect of my earlier life she interrupts me to give her version which is always designed to make me look stupid or selfish.