While CCF is right about our behaviors that push people way, it isn't the whole story. Something is wrong in our culture/society. Too many people are having problems finding and creating relations of substance. It is a complicated issue. We may be doing things that hurt our relationships, but it isn't always us. So as people who were very hurt as children, we need to understand that not every failed connection is our fault.

for me several my friendships that ended, were friendships made when I let cpstd take over. I used to let people sort of use me to solve their problems, or make them feel good about a problem or issue. Exactly what I used to do for my mother and others. My parents bad relationship made me become a problem solver for others, but alas NOT FOR ME. Once I realizd that these friendships were lopsided and not in my best interest, I broke them off. the CCF has helped me to realize that what I did was a good thing. I now strive for more equalized and balanced friendships. And I have tamed my desire to be the problem solver for others -- I am trying - and man it's not easy - to focus on me! Bravo CCF!

The friendships and family relationships I lost were not healthy anyway. Hurts at first, but good riddance. I'm a narcissist magnet and now I'm alone and I can start fresh and hopefully pick better friends.

Unless these friends are actual friends, cathartic friendship breakups with toxic people is just.

I dont want people back as much as I want my lust for life back. Feeling excited at the beauty in life. Too many things happened. I used to always at least have nature and adventure and myslef to go back to. Now nothing feels the same. I lost so much getting to a better and healthier place. I ended up so traumatized everything died. I keep waiting for things to get better, and they are slowly, but in general thats what hurts me the most now. I guess I want my innocence back and thats not possible.

One huge mistake that I made when trying to make positive changes in my life was I said “I’m trying to set boundaries. Respect my boundaries.” The people that I said this to were, obviously, insulted. Even if they maybe did “cause” me trauma (or I was in my trauma and my baggage was being triggered accidentally by things they did or said,) I wad getting negative results by telling people that they were the problem. I have since learned that the best way to set boundaries is to just set them and then don’t tell others about them. You just don’t go to that event or hang out with that group. You don’t need to tell others about it. Maybe that sounds like avoidance. And in a way it is. But it’s healthy avoidance. And there’s a difference.

You couldn’t be more right, Anna. I’ve struggled with friendships virtually my entire life. Oh, I’ve had lots of friends over the years; I just haven’t kept any. The only time I had sustainable friendships was when I pretended to be something I’m not. For years, I was a chameleon, changing my personality to fit whatever people wanted. But when I simply couldn’t do that anymore and was too worn out to continue pretending, it was too much for people when I showed the “real” me.

Can you do a video on what makes a good friend, examples of when we might overreact, and when to recognize when you are actually having an appropriate response but are being gaslit + confused?

When you learn to trust yourself and are genuine, you will recognize it in others and establish healthy relationships instead of attracting or being attracted to the opposite. Trusting yourself is paramount in healing and it does take time. Be kind and patient with yourself. Wishing y'all wellness, spiritual peace and happiness. ❤

"You're like flowing water here - you're peaceful, you're flexible, you're powerful...and this leaves your choices about the future much more open..." Just beautiful, Anna, thank you. I will carry these nourishing words within me from now on.

To my experience I rather tend to give people too many chances and often soften my emotions. I don’t want to change anybody but I need honesty and some reliability. I am quite fed up with me being there for people who are not really available... or only if they need something/ someone. When I was younger I wasted so much time with fake and shallow people. Now I can more easily wish them well and leave them where they are. It’s not what I wanted but I still hope to find reciprocity in friendships and relationships.

I think the biggest contributers to my lack of friends is my poor ability to be emotionally vulnerable with people. I am too "nice" and "polite" and share very little of who I am with people. I don't tend to "give" of myself early on because I can't trust people and this lack of generosity and openness means I ....I find it hard to move from acquaintanceship to friendship with people. Ugh.

I had to let go of someone who lashed out. It always happened out of the blue so even when things seemed ok I always felt this undercurrent of dread about when it would happen again. I now see she had trouble regulating her emotions. It’s sad because she has so many good qualities, but I wasn’t willing to take abuse from her.

Oh boy lol I used to be so reactive. I would hang up/lash out/block people and unblock people/physically run away when I couldn’t handle something. I got some weird “friends” by doing that lol people that babied me and thought I was incapable…. Which like… fair lol I was an emotional baby. I luckily had people throughout my healing process calling me out on my hurtful behavior. I remember one time I was telling someone I was dating that I thought they didn’t like me or want me around and thought I was annoying. And they responded with “I don’t like how you view me so negatively.” That really slapped me in the face lol I never thought of it like that… I was thinking “woe is me, everyone hates me!” (And honestly, the people in my life at the time were not very kind lol) Then I realized, “hey, not everyone sucks and is out to get you. You just gotta stop picking stinkers. And stop viewing everyone as stinkers automatically.”

I still miss the friend with CPTSD I lost. It breaks my heart but even knowing he’s struggling etc doesn’t excuse how much he’s hurt me. He would never apologize… the one time he thinks he apologized, it was an abuser’s apology. (You know, the kind that’s like “I wouldn’t hit you if you didn’t make me so mad”… he was “sorry it went down like that, BUT…” it was all my fault because I had made him angry, and then he listed ways I could avoid upsetting him in the future. And before anyone says maybe I should have tried taking his advice, what set him off was that I wished him happy new year.) I’m in a better place mentally not having to tiptoe around him all the time, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss him or that I hate him. I just can’t have him in my life. My love for him is unconditional but his presence in my life *is*.

Wow now I understand why I have excellent reasoning skills, until I get upset and react. It can feel like another person comes out of me, and I've always hated that dark part of me 😢

I have no drama in my life. At the same time I can’t connect. Been hurt so deeply, betrayed o we & over again by my own family & people I thought were friends. On top of C-PTSD having nobody, I mean nobody is beyond lonely & heartbreaking. For years & years I live a solitary life. Tried to heal this wound. It always get hurt. Seem to have nothing but bad luck when it comes to friendships. Only thing I have ever wanted. So hard alone healing but sometimes when you have been treated so badly over & over. I just can’t take the risk anymore. My life has been negative experiences & life still has not brought me one blessing after years of healing. Never understand this world & humans. Now stay alone & in nature & with animals. Just not meant to be in any relationship in this life. Great video though!

Hi,just want to say I abandon everybody in my life I don't argue,I don't give drama I just walk away and sometimes it's years I didn't realize why I do this.thank you

I lost my two remaining friends last weekend, I had a paranoia attack and believed they were conspiring against me. So I lashed out at them online, and they now refuse to speak to me. I’d done so well, I’d kept these friendships for over a year which is really difficult for me to do. I’ve been so depressed lately and felt like I had to hide it from them and be a perfect, non toxic, infallible woman and it all got way too much. In a way I feel better without the constant pressure, but still heartbroken at the fact I caused my own loss and hurt my ex friends.

I know this is a video for those still in the trenches of healing themselves, but it would be good if you were able to speak on recognising the one sided friendships. I’ve recently cut off all of my friends because I realised that they were all emotionally unavailable. There weren’t narcissists, just too wrapped up in their own crap, that they refuse to work on! I thought I needed friends, when I really just needed me and sometimes we get caught up in others on our journeys.

how to get friends again?

It's interesting that I have friends from high school that I'm still close to, other people I've known for decades from college, etc. But I still occasionally push back against friends who try to steer me or push me too much, and I suspect that's trauma-driven. Part of it is creating a strong boundary BEFORE someone pushes too far. BOTH people need to create (and EXPRESS) healthy boundaries. I was taught by my mom to just take it, and HAD no boundaries. It was a long road to create them.

God this is gold. So on the nose, could only be known this well from experience. So many "psychologists" on KZfaq spinning their wheels on narcissism this and enmeshment that just don't get it. You actually get it.

People exhaust me. I just can’t figure them out. I am good doing things for people, but I don’t want intimacy at all. I feel suffocated from relationship after a certain point and go cold. It’s from trauma. I am just to tired anymore to care to have friends anymore. I do strictly business outside my husband and I. I just don’t want the neediness or confusion.

I wish I watched this a week ago before I destroyed a great relationship. I hope I can find a way to heal that trust. I don't want to abandon a good partner because I'm afraid of being hurt again.

I don’t usually attack people. I usually sit with issues till I understand why I feel upset. I have cut some people off after they have pushed me beyond what I can endure.

I go to flight... My sister was a bully to me and our Dad was a binging alcoholic.. caused us girls go in tolly different directions. She is an angry person I am a passive person. Not able to talk at that time suffer in silence, blame and get indignant . Then I carry all those feeling until I am trigged by something said.

Just thinking about this today. I've lost pretty much all of my friendships, and some family relationships too. Because of the ways that I act and behave that drive people away. Thank you.

"I'll take things I knew about myself but refused to unravel because I'm afraid of my own brain for $1,000, Alex." This was incredibly informative. I have lost many friendships in my life due to many of these issues. I am still working hard to overcome them, but I also see how much I've improved. I've been able to maintain incredible friendships now, but I sometimes find myself regretting so much of what I did in the past. I find it so hard to accept myself at times due to how I treated myself and others in the past.

CPTSD is an injury to connect to people. It consists a CONNECTION wound. CPTSD makes us see things and do things that are hurtful to people. Examples are 1) lashing out. Emotions eg anger coming out too strong. Its to do with how our brain handled negative activity in childhood. There is a burst of activity in the right front brain cortex, and reduced activity on the left side. But you can be intentional. You can create your own guidelines. U can choose your own words, and timing, without having to stuff your thoughts. Your trauma heightens the magnitude and intensity of what was said. You react by cutting people off. And people pull away. Thats how you lose friendships. Your CPTSD brain thinks its protecting you, but its lashing out. And this is not about boundaries either.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD recently I am over 50 years old. I had to shut my brain down when I was five years old after I was kidnapped from school and violently raped in a field and almost murdered he was getting a knife out of the car and come back to kill me but a jogger miraculously went by and saw me and he ran over and got me before the guy could come back with his knife and kill me anyway I blocked it out Because my parents ignored me and didnt deal with it or Tell me about it. I remembered 50 years later something else traumatized me then I remembered now I have horrible symptoms of CPTSD it’s just terrible. At least now I know I know why I was the way I was for 50 years isolated continuously losing friends negative thoughts catastrophic thoughts. Ugh. Thank you God for waking me up now so I can work on myself and become a human being for a little while before I get too old and die

I'm 58yrs old & I grew-up around my mother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia & deep neurological depression...in the 1970's & 1980's my mother would rage at my father on & off throughout this time & hospitalized on 22 different occasions....sometimes handcuffed to a wheel chair with a straight jacket ...sometimes not....a very negative toxic environment....Being anxiety/depression prone.. this very thing along with trying to be part of groups is very very challenging for me & has been most of my Life.

What Doris Burke is to basketball CCF is to self healing and healthy relationships.

For the first time ever... I don't struggle with everything in your video 🤣 I do have emptiness where it comes to friends, though. I think I spent so long in a super enmeshed family system then sought relationships. It was all I cared about- I truly thought a husband would save me from my "awful" family... now, I'm healing. And I have a couple really safe acquantances. But idk how to make those deep friendships. Where do adults even go to find friends? Now that I don't go to church & am out of school, I feel lost around even finding good friends.

For The First Time In A Long Time In September I got to go see Iron Maiden in concert, I felt Normal. Felt like My Family Tribe. And it felt Really Good!!

Thank you, so much for saying this. I'm tired of people wielding their trauma like a weapon, as an excuse for shitty behaviour towards others, and then blaming you for not being empathetic enough to just simply forgive them.

Its been couple of weeks i have started daily practice again and this time im doing it twice a day like Anna said 1. Writing fear, resentments 2. follwoed by Meditation. Trust me its magical process. negative vibes keeps away from you. I'm more calm. I dont get angry easily. Last time i start in June but i was stuck in my addiction but i started 2 weeks back and now slowly getting out of addiction, I'm more calm-composed. could keep negative vibes away. Plz start that process

Your videos have been SO comforting, thank you, Anna !

This video was much needed. Thank you so much. I find that a lot of people especially the younger ones like to push their way and keep pushing even when my answer is No or No Thank you. It's like they will continue till they get a yes and think eventually you'll say it. I've done a great job on myself and happy but I find that in today's way of life instantly trying to persuade someone is manipulative and controlling. And some who do this are wanting an argument just to flip it back on you. More Passive/Aggressive behavior. I've moved to a new area 3 months ago and finding older people is hard. But it's peaceful here and I'm content.

I have just tried your'e course Anna , and the funny thing is before I knew about c.p.t.s.d I was drawn to meditation and meditation cd's in away to help me for something I didn't understand many years ago , I am fine with writing things down , and I have meditated for years now , but when I started your meditation with words , for some reason I was drawn while meditating to use four words , harmony , love , peace . tranquillity , during meditation , but love is the one that triggered me with tears running down my face making me a real mess . till I changed the words to peace & tranquility , I have been trying also to bring one of my family members to understand , why certain things have affected me all these years , by explaining the problems with c.p.t.s.d , which I have just learned about , and tried a few times asking my sister to watch one of your KZfaq videos , hoping she would understand more clearly , but was amazed by her reply days later , she could not understand anything about your'e video at all , while when I watched your'e first video I was there with you all the way understanding each subject you had spoken about in detail , which was a blessing and relief for me. , to hear it said into words for the first time , a real eye opener for me and with an actual name for the condition , all these years suffering silently and being blind to the real cause , God bless you Anna 🧚🏼‍♀ . Love Philip 🐬

This was a perfect topic for today. This is something I was thinking about earlier today as I try to make friends post-COVID. Happy coincidence.

Thanks for this video. I asked a couple of weeks back for a video on this topic and here it is! I'm not assuming you made it at my request, but thank you. I very much relate to what you said at the end about humility. I always thought that I could be very humble, but I can also be quite arrogant. I've actively been working on being humble and cultivating an inclination toward serving others (within healthy boundaries of course). This has been immensely helpful in my experience. I'm also now more humble than everyone else I know. Ha ha? Joke. 😂 I still struggle to keep friends. Maybe I'm just too old (50) to expect to make friends that I see and speak with often.

I will need to replay this video a few more times to let it soak in

A heartfelt thankyou for this video, so timeous and practical! I needed these tools for today 🤗

This behavior pattern is a deep one for me. Thank you for laying this out. Its helpful to hear what it looks like from the outside. I tend to bottle up my true feelings when Im hurt or upset by someone or their actions, until I cant any longer. The rage is definitely there as you say in the energetics behind the words. Ive heard people describe me as "scary" because of my intensity of emotions when they do come out. My mother was BPD, so I feel like Im doing a service in my relationships by not raging outwardly as she did, but the energetics are still there. I have only a couple distant friendships, I do long for closer and more deep friendships. This video helps and also makes me curious to learn more as Ive been doing somatic therapy for soooo long. Learning how to express my emotions without the rage energetics would be valuable.

This was really good and spot on for me, thank you.

Totally relate. I have had to give up e mail - I just have delayed rushes and think it is a brilliant idea at the time - the e mails are clear, articulate but too honest. I always send an immediate apology - but it is too late. However recently lost two friends like this but they were very old friends and I had made them when I was very depressed and toxic and we had grown apart in many ways. I seemed to meet people in caring industries who were genuinely nice people but into really wacky New Age stuff. I just stuffed my feelings about their extreme beliefs and put up with years of going to vegan restaurants (somehow never a choice given or any two way co operation) just to be around people. As I got into my 60s, my own belief systems and opinions were much clearer and more defined and I came to need to be me around them - I am a maverik do not hold a party line but these friends were scandalized that I could even consider a member of the other party. In short, I have de toxed by getting off e mail exept for odd essential business stuff but no personal stuff. I did eventually part with a friend who could not accept my religion. I did discuss it with him several times, said it was my secret garden but he could not help bashing it anyway (you can bash Catholics - only one left that you can I think). I need my friends to respect my religeous beliefs - a Jewish person would be unlikely to tolerate someone who was constantly critical of Judahism. I have had people having hissy fits on my and if they apologize it is not a problem for me - but one friend had had too many and I backed off - one day she slammed out of the house and I had done nothing but she was very stressed about other things. I am now much more comfortable and feel love towards people but I have a small circle of friends, and I let them into my life very slowly. In truth the ancient philosophers always spoke of being lucky to have 2 or 3 real friends - after that they are acquaintances. I am lucky to have 2 such friends. Ca suffice.

I know I suffer with the pervasiveness of codependency and severe abandonment concerns stemming from childhood. This is a topic that leaves me stumped. I often find myself so confused as to whether or not these people I considered friends were actually in my corner and do I now have the ability to snuff them out. And yes I am the person who is kind and comforting almost to a default. I can tell you I’ve never hysterically reacted but I have indefinitely frozen and broken off. I feel I have to protect myself and thwart off those who aren’t good for me. But I have found a few whose reactions and historical patterns caused me to go astray. My words didn’t seem prickly because I am so conscious and vigilant of my daily delivery. I always spoke my case respectfully. I am not controlling nor possessive. My boundaries do kinda suck but their improving. I never hurt back or react with vengeance. I could think of five people that I still find to be a mystery as to why they ended. Three of five I was OK saying goodbye but there are two I try so hard to understand what I’ve done wrong to drive it away. If I did anything at all. I have fewer friends over the years especially with COVID but I wonder if I made myself too accessible and vulnerable, allowing poor choices in friends. One thing that resonates and hurts deeply, my Dad who is now deceased and the primary culprit to my pain, used to call me a sucker. Idk. Sensitive topic I suppose. Any thoughts.

Your boundary is not to foght about your boundaries but just to say it. To know what it is, to maybe say it. And step away if

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don’t like saying I had a crappy childhood because from the outside, my childhood was wonderful but inside it was filled with extreme negative and positive emotions with a parent emotionally abusing us. I was never abandoned and my physical needs were met, just not the emotional needs. Am I gaslighting myself? I don’t think so. My own parents loved me and my siblings as best they can. I looked at their childhood, and they were traumatized by their experiences. My parents were trying. This video has helped me understand why some friends left me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Edit: I am going to therapy but your videos help me in between my visits to my therapist. It reinforces what I am learning at therapy.

Friendship is so confusing and painful. I can't say that i know anyone trying to be MY friend, though i've spent my life being a friend. There's a thing i'm missing there. It should be two-way yet i have zero needs met so i stopped seeking friends. I have some really mean people around me who have used me to support them and then turned around and told me i'm negative and worthless if i haven't agreed that they're everyone's victim. I don't know how to avoid THESE TYPES OF TOXIC PEOPLE. And they keep me from having other friends by sucking up my time and energy. When i stop them they smear me in my neighborhood as their latest victimizer. I'm hurt by their rejection, my abandonment issues are triggered for months even though my spirit is relieved of the weight of their presence, my body is wracked with fear of being alone. 😔 This last one was offended when i said after she ranted and told me i didn't need to respond, "go ahead, you can rant, i've learned to let people do and say what they want so i know who they really are..." Well, THAT DID IT. I'm a monster. Though she moved in down the hall 10 months ago where i've lived for over 10 years i'm supposed to stay away from her. Omgoodness. I cannot imagine what she thinks i'm supposed to do for her bitterness' sake? As i can only change me, and my lifetime of abuse, trauma, and resulting erroneous choices is at the root of my friendship dilemma, i keep thinking i'm going to ferret out some KEY to my thinking errors and a light will come on and i'll GET IT and finally be deserving of a true friendship...it's just a childish fantasy though. I just want connection, i just want someone soon, i feel so destroyed sometimes i have to think on reasons it's wrong to die. Thank you @Anna Runkle for ministering to my soul with wisdom and compassion. Even if i don't know what to do, i know i'm not alone. I bid you peace beloved soul.

Thank u 4 these vids ..I'm beginnin' 2 understand about my many flaws

Omg. You nailed my childhood that still impacts my adult life... I have no friends, only acquaintances & I never knew why.

It’s like you know me. I know to pause but still struggle. Work in progress. Thank you Anna

Thank you for these videos

Wow awesome. Especially as I just yelled at my 18 yr old son. After feeling hurt by him. Thankyou. Great to be so helpful to others in life. Well done.

Great video, as always ❤️

I persisted in a freindship where I was basically a dumping ground . Crisis anfter crisis , all ways the victim , never in solution . Constant drama , negativity . stuck in rumination . Intermitedly snapping at me . No more .

I'm 71 y/o, thru tons of therapy which has helped me- kept me alive to be honest, and i got so much out of your video...I ''knew this already" but it was so beneficial to hear you talk about it.

Fantastic! Thank you straight from my heart. With love, from the Bolivian Andes.

I'm Convicted By Your Reasoning About How To Do Healthy Relationships While I Remain Bogged Down In My Reactions. Something Is New Though. I Always Used To Resist And Resent And Judge My Reactions Try To Hide And Deny Them. But Now I'm Actively Trying To See And Accept Them. So That Particular Inner War Is Dying Down Slowly. Is More Peaceful To Be Me.

You are such a wonderful and loving person. Thank you.

So so useful 🥰 Thank you 😘

This is a very helpful video. Thank you for posting.

Ya as someone who has cpsd along with a Tbi Its really hard to keep in check I try not to get triggered .but when it happens its so fast By the time My rational brain kicks in its to late. I do have friends but very few. They are aware of my situation and I am grateful for them. I wish I could find a therapist that could help me with this double dose of bs. I hate keeping everyone at arms length to keep my sanity

This has been a big topic in my life the past couple of years.

I feel called out by the title. 2 mins in "Im calling you out" well there ya go 😆

Thank you. Great video. I'm trying to accept my own cptsd reaction, quietly. Venting, rage, and ultimately vulnerability and grief. Everything I wasn't able to do as a kid with two narc parents. Embodiment

God this is so present for me right now. Thank you for giving me language for this experience, Anna.

anna, lately, these two months youve been accompanying me in this healing journey, and i gained more common sense from watching your videos and daily practice! but damn, healing process itself is so so so lonely ... 😂 although i have friends who support me and are always beside me. but like, those scary triggers, and my cptsd thinking, to face them, it is my fully sobriety to do it and 😂😂😂 oh my god it's just kinda uncomfortable. but youre so right, healing is a process with an immediate payoff. after fixing the things one by one, although just 1% each day, the differences are obvious. and im no longer getting into the spiral of depression or huge dysregulation like i used to do. thank you, anna and the team.

I've heard "fake it til you make it" techniques before (stuff to say even if you don't believe it) and it felt hard to say or do something I didn't believe. But it's good to know what sorts of things to say and think to de-escalate. And also some of the phrases you mentioned, well, others said it to me, and I felt bad I wasn't being receptive enough.

8:42 I've had several dreams like that (not recently), with suddenly lots of people in my home that looks nothing like my current home but I identify as my home. Lots of people, and no control, and I walk through room after room of rowdy people. I think I got the dream to not keep repeating by throwing them out of my house in the dream. One of the settings was an afternoon party in an apartment in the 1960s, very vivid.

The only therapist that understands!

Yup! :/. I've lost a few friends from my being toxic or them. Usually a combination.

Will there be replays of that work webinar that could be purchased for say $15 or $20 or something since the q&a aspect is no longer available? Or another work one. I don't have questions but am starting a new job soon.

How do you even begin to start an inroad to heal?

Please do a video on abandonment. I tend to see something, ignore it, go into denial then it all hits. Instead of talking about it I simply leave

Love it… the situation is exaggerated!

Ive pushed away family and friends. I've tried many times to change this behavior. I don't have any hope anymore.

Can you please do a video where you make the term trauma driven choice explained ... I don't Wanna look to other explanations i love your explanations ❤️❤️❤️❤️ You make things easy ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Can not be grateful enough to you. ❤

This was good information. I've had a couple of friendships end in the last year and both shocked me, but having them end was also a relief for me. I have had a hard time figuring out who or what was the cause of it. I came from a mother who raged and so if I felt like I didn't do that as an adult, I was winning, normal. But I'm not sure that's true. When my feelings are hurt I do say something thinking we can dialog but that usually triggers the other person and then it becomes this back and forth thing and it's too intense for both of us. It began with me having hurt feelings and bringing it up. So the question remains...is it me or is it them? I think overall I am too intense in driving home my point, I want them to acknowledge that their part, but the two relationships that ended, that didn't happen (one person cut me off, the other neither of us contacted each other). My intensitiy is in trying to get them to 'understand'. It's hideous. But this info in this video was good for me to hear.

Most people's conversations seem shallow and often too domestic in nature. Last night's TV. Shopping trips. Family issues. I have difficulty finding conversation among my peers. I'm not trying to look superior in any way however. Most males seem to talk about sport all the time which doesn't interest me for example. So l always have a problem connecting.

I need advice. I have recently had someone that I thought was a friend, lash out at me so badly, that I thought that I was going to end up in the hospital because my panic attacks were so bad. This went on for hours. I ended up giving all of these apologies, and to be honest? Still have no clue what i did. I just kept apologizing because I couldn't handle the anxiety. Things eventually calmed down (In her mind). She is friends with people that I live with. They know what she has said (even though she told me to keep the conversations to myself) they aren't great friends and do not like this part if her behavior and for the most part, just put up with her. They don't want to rock the boat. Long story short. They still (even though they know how much she has hurt me) still choose to be kind and friendly with her, which is hurtful to me. They know that she can be a very nasty person and say they hate what she has said to me, but still keep in contact with her, as if nothing happened. These people are like parents to me, and really all that I have. I do not know what to do. I am really, really stuck and extremely depressed. Reminds me of my mom protecting her SA abuser brother, instead of me. Help! Anyone. I am lost.

Tell me about it . Trouble always seems to find me!!

I wish i had seen this a few weeks ago. Maybe they're is still hope for me but i ruined so many friendships just because i'm so haunted by my past. This makes so much sense. I just want peace, but my friends seem to fail to understand I'm a human just like they are and make mistakes. We're not the same. I didn't mean to hurt them i just find it hard to trust people.

I can't keep friendships anymore. They spark and then wither fast. It's so disheartening, mostly as it keeps me in this perpetually lonely place. I recognize a lot of my responses here. And I recognize other's responses, in peope I've been friends with. I was ghosted by a new friend recently. I waited a week, baffled, to be sure it was really a ghosting... and then I backed out quickly, issuing a recriminating goodbye. He messaged to say someone had died, hence his absence. My response was to completely disbelieve it. I will never know if it's true. Did he suddenly back away from the friendship then lie when I called him on it? Did I back out in response to the ghosting triggering an abandonment wound? It's hard to say, but I think my CPTSD got in the way of it being resolved. Maybe if I had just kept quiet and not messaged a few more weeks he'd have come back on his own. But I was already too hurt by then to want to fix it. I have so much trauma from my ex ghosting me again and again, over and over in the same relationship. She used that excuse once or twice someone "died" when it wasn't true or just an excuse to cheat. She would just block me on all social media to break up and blame me with random reasons why I did something "wrong" - often untrue, then coming back a few days, weeks, or months later saying it was "pride" or some such nonsense. This went on for two years. I've been unable to commit to friendships or relationships since. I panic when people ghost now. It's debilitating. And then I ghost when I perceive abandonment, when I get scared. I hate this response in myself. I hate being unable to connect to people longer than a few days, if I'm lucky a week or a month. I know logically why I do, but I can't stop.

This was pretty fantastic

Mine is often fear of abandonment. I withdraw & separate. Especially about relationships. After adulthood trauma & childhood abandonment & neglect. Hate living, feeling drama. Hate drama. Always have avoided it & keep the peace. I don't like hateful/judgmental people. Which leaves a lot out today. Wondering if it's too high an expectation & also judgmental. Dk I blame myself for being forward & different. The ones I really care about I say too much about when I get hurt. Or just too forward. Second guess myself when I don't get feedback. Mixed signals messes me up. I'm so off sometimes. Idk. Kinda kept it to myself for most of my life. Guess I don't relate well. Only child alien/alienated 👽 🤦‍♀️

Thank you.

Lol I actually skipped over this video for days because I was basically afraid to face myself. This video is spot on, but I feel very conflicted about my personal situation. I lost a friend almost a year ago due to a situation that I definitely acknowledge triggered my CPTSD - she initiated a romantic relationship with a minor at her work and got fired for it. I’d reached out to her earlier that summer to connect, but she only ever reached out when she wanted something from me or to trauma dump. She got fired and suddenly needed me again and originally I shared my feelings with her in a really kind way but she tried to insist that lying about the situation was a form of boundary setting and was very selective about which boundaries she wanted to honor, while asking me to respect new ones she was making up on the spot…which, fine. But then I think where I messed up was after that I kind of lashed out. There was a lot more deception and bad behavior than I can characterize here, but I was so bothered by it that I wrote her this long essay of everything she ever did wrong to me and basically how I didn’t want to be a part of her self sabotage anymore and sent it. I wasn’t trying to end the friendship but I was kind of hard on her. Never heard back from her. I knew after it all that I probably said too much, and that was on me, but I definitely think our friendship fell under the category of emotional vampirism and someone who was just so self absorbed that they couldn’t participate in a relationship that wasn’t based on trauma and drama at that moment in time. I hope that she can forgive me for my mistake, but I also recognize that I have a right to separate myself from toxic people so I can also heal. It’s been hard because it was a person I really cared about and went out of my way for, but I think that’s it, I went out of my way for her in a way she didn’t reciprocate. And unfortunately I lashed out before I fully understood what was happening in my head. I admitted to her in the letter I wrote that I was struggling to heal codependency and trauma, but seeing her self sabotaging and constantly saying she hit bottom, only to hit bottom further, was just too much for me to handle when I need to focus on myself..

I know you are right but it is painful to know the truth and believe i can change. i have worked my whole life to change and i have some but now i am old and i don't look forward to the future.

All my friendships started on a bad foundation. I always gravitated towards difficult people because that's what I was used to. They all failed because they started on a lie. The lie was that I was worthless and could only attract toxic people who confirmed it. I've given up on trying to make friends. I have my doggos, they're my best friends.

Thank you!!!

I have a friend, that have all these problems yet refuses to admit to them.. 🤷‍♂️

I hear you but I’m not going to further blame myself when my therapist and I heave worked so hard to reduce this Schema of self blame. While you’re right in many aspects, this video triggers so much shame when it’s NOT ALWAYS US!

I didn't/don't lash out I do abandon people who I thought were my friends, but turns out they abandoned me first. So really, I'm just not going back to them. One thing is for sure, you do find out who your peeps really are when faced with a crisis.

Oh ya, I lost so many friends over a period of about 5 years. I would get triggered and tell them they were holding me back from freeing myself from pain once and for all. That was just too much for people and I can understand. I lose control and say things I don't fully remember until after the fact. I dwindled my friendships down to my last best friend who I never lashed out at, until I did because I had no one else to lash out at. Big mistake. Lost a really close 10 year friendship in about 15 minutes of dialogue from my triggered mouth. I apologized, agreed to get help which I am following through with, and it didn't matter. She checked out and she's never checking back in again. I revealed my crazy and broke trust.

You're a treasure! I could give you such a hug.

How can I trust myself and my perspective if it's so skewed? I don't understand why I split on people going back and forth between "I trust you." "I dont." I don't lash out a lot but I try to distance myself when I'm upset. I find that when I'm angry, I automatically lose Cognitive empathy for people. It's so hard. Ugh :( sometimes I don't see the point of being alive if I'm like this.