100% my husband. He can't see that he is doing anything wrong. I'm bankrupt at 65 due to him.😢😢

It Sure Does!

So true

Sorry thats v unfair​@@daleenalberts5829

😢

It is grieving yes. Thank you for this

Thank you so much. After my narcissistic Dad passed the next day I woke up and the first thing that came to mind was I need to process all the pain I experienced from my siblings who ascribed to my Dad’s version of who I am. His projection and bullying were supported with their own back up behaviors and denial of what I was experiencing. Basically I became their scapegoat as well.

Thank you Gina. I found out 4 months ago that my wife of 40 years began a decade long affair and embezzled over $300000 of money I earned 27 years ago when our children were small. It's hard to describe the feeling of the ground beneath my feet falling away. I am able to eat again and am sleeping a few hours each night. I agree with the grieving but it is complicated by continuing to live with the same woman. I don't know who she is and miss terribly the person I thought she was. I cling to a verse from Isaiah "and I shall refine you in a Furnace of suffering". I hope you find live and trust again.

​@@buddhalovechildThat's heavy. ❤ The refiner's furnace is very fitting. I've also found it hardest to mourn the loss of my internal introject/idea of the person. And, how I could have been so blind. 4 months ago is very recent. Take care of yourself. ❤

@@Lioness_of_Gaia these days any kind word is a treasure. Thank you.

Same. It’s like feeling very foolish, and used, as well.

Felt that for sure

Yes recently feel this because I was no contact and after narcissistic mother died I got a call from my golden child narc brother and immediately trauma and betrayal began again and I felt so much shame because I felt like I allowed myself to engage and got destroyed again. 😢

Shocked, disbelief, emotional distress, anger, sadness, crying, confusion, lower self esteem, gained 17 lbs. because I don’t care. anxiety, shame of being a victim. Yes this has been me for almost one year. I almost wrecked the car the other day whilst reminiscing. No contact, broken promises, I feel if I sought counseling they would say this was because I ignored my gut instincts. Thank you for this I don’t feel I’m the only one anymore.

​@catzee4720 you've got a brother like me and he was always my mother's golden child

Know u are not alone. Keep in mind the phrase,this to will pass. It’s time,that’s all. Also I feel that we got to a certain age and have realisations and realise that we can just not accept others beliefs and actions.

Same 😞

I feel the same way... I find content about narcissists can be harmful and only in some cases helpful... In my experience it puts the abused in a situation where they suddenly feel they have to make a diagnosis of their abuser's mental health in order to satisfactorily validate their own feelings of abuse (this caused me so much confusion for years in the aftermath of my betrayal experience. I felt like knowing whether his behaviour had a clinical definition became the most important factor in determining my reality). It also often riddles the feelings of abuse with an attitude of hate and victimisation, which I don't personally find helpful....it makes me feel more guilt towards my abuser (which I find hard to forgive myself for), since it makes me feel really sad for them and sorry that I overlooked their unique kind of suffering for so long. It also means we give that person our power over and over by saying we are the victim. We are victims in a way, but we must avoid that language as it costs us ownership of our power to set new & healthier boundaries going forward. It is empowering to say 'I am not a victim', despite what we have experienced. Abuse is abuse. Betrayal is betrayal. Everyone out there is human. It's just that not everyone out there shows humanity, at least not all the time. And personality disorders are very complex. People who are narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths all still suffer too because they are still complex creatures, and we must remember that. They do feel pain, they just don't feel empathy... For those of us that do feel empathy, we can't help but feel care towards them. Just because it isn't reciprocated I still argue we have a duty to talk with some degree of respect about the person who is clinically ill and who often lives without clinical help. Talking about them in such a way also reduces that feeling of victimisation which, as I said, can be harmful.

​@pinkwheels1313 Have you lived with a narcissist or psychopath? It's really not that complex. It's not that complex to accurately recognize their behaviors -- you do not need a degree in something like psychiatry to accurately do so -- and I don't see why correctly identifying them would cause you to feel guilt. I also don't get the "they're suffering" thing. They aren't. They aren't all that human, either, which you learn if you live with one and watch them gleefully destroy people, including their own children. As for the "Don't say you're a victim" thing, I wish people would stop insisting that accurately identifying that you have been the victim of another person's deliberately destructive, and often criminal, behavior is somehow a bad thing. It's just revictimization to tell victims they cannot identify as victims. This has really been weaponized against genuine victims and needs to stop. Narcissists are not clinically ill with a mental illness. They have a personality disorder in which they *choose* to behave certain ways because it gives them power and control over others, and lets them wheedle and bully others into things. It's not a mental illness they cannot choose. There is a huge difference between a genuine mental illness, which the sufferer cannot choose and cannot innately control, and a behavioral personality disorder in which the narcissist knows what they are doing is wrong and consciously chooses to hide their behaviors from at least some people -- and often many people -- because they know they are wrong and will be perceived as wrong. If you've lived with a narcissist or sociopath/psychopath they will tell you that they know certain behaviors are not acceptable to others but that they do not care because they feel entitled to do what they want and take what they want. They are full of rage and entitlement and a total and complete sense of, "everyone owes me" and "what's yours is mine" and "I deserve to take whatever I want and if you get in my way I'll destroy you." They have no sense at all of other people as thinking, feeling beings; they regard all people as objects to be used. They do not love anyone. At all. Quite a lot of them pair this with "and I'm following Christ and am a good Christian" (or Muslim or Buddhist or Jew or environmentalist or whatever they think will give them the moral high ground), which is doubly nauseating. They are the most genuinely evil people I've ever met. We don't owe them anything, especially respect, and this kind of thinking is dangerous.

@phoenixrising5338 You are entitled to your opinions and I genuinely am sorry that you have experienced/witnessed such abhorrent abuse. We differ in our opinions in a number of ways and it's going to be difficult to reason each other out over KZfaq comments, so I'm only going to sum up where we adamantly disagree and agree. These are the areas we disagree: - I think it is that complex, and we have to ask a lot of ourselves to realise just how complex it is. - I think the victim narrative is harmful to victims, not helpful. We must release ourselves from its trap to find acceptance and personal empowerment. Being a victim is comforting because it allows us to cling to validation of our pain, but it continues to give the abuser power. It is empowering to say we are not victims as it frees us from the narrative and makes it less about us. I'm not saying it's not helpful for a while, but eventually we have to learn to let that narrative go. I'm just saying that in my experiences this has proven helpful for me. - We seem to be using different definitions of human (to me, human is the human animal and its ability to feel pain as a complex, sentient creature) - I think that NPD/ASPD people do suffer (to the extreme extent that their entire life is about avoiding suffering). I have observed their unique kind of suffering and I'm not talking about when they pretend - I'm talking about other behaviours such as their restlessness and inability to "fit in" and "be normal" (they will never know that feeling and they know it). - pity and guilt towards the betrayer, whatever their state of mental health, is allowed. We are all complex and emotions don't have to make sense or be explained to people on KZfaq. - people with personality disorders are clinically ill. In the case of NPD/ASPD they have only ever known suffering, disgust and loneliness, and there is no known cure. They usually go undiagnosed, but it doesn't mean it's not recognised as an illness. -talking about such people with respect just means to value their own human experience that is entirely unknown to us. It does not mean to like them or respect them on any other level. I believe to talk about them with hate is inevitable and natural, but I personally don't like to because I don't like the feeling of hating on someone I once loved (I still do it, but I hate the feeling after). In my experience, I hate the illness, and spreading more hate in the world is not something the world needs. These are the areas we seem to agree: -NPD/ASPD do not suffer in the same way as people who experience empathy and love. They are fundamentally different in so many ways. -people with NPD/ASPD are capable of acts which are extremely harmful and evil. -we don't have to feel sorry for such people if we don't want to. -we both wish for there to be a clear way of healing from the abuse and for the abused to feel validated. We just disagree in part over how best to achieve that. -people are victims (as I said, I just disagree that we should use this narrative with ourselves). I would also like to highlight that the comment I made was in agreement with the initial comment, I.e. that not all betrayers have NPD and therefore - to those who are unsure of the clinical illness of their betrayer - videos about narcissism can be unhelpful when seeking validation for more nuanced types of abuse. I don't like this feeling like we're in an argument, because I want you to know that I respect your own experience is unique to you and I'm not trying to take that away from you by having my own opinions about my own experience. I wish you well in your healing journey.

you are not alone... AND MY HEART IS WITH YOU. I am 69 yrs old. and from first knowing my father... was a narc. ( something I just learned from my current husband of only 10 months, who announced he is a narc with pride.). husband untangled the chaos abuse and pain of my life. I ran from him. and I pray I am divorced in weeks. I credit my husband with giving me a gift.

Indeed you are not alone. I have a similar background, also starting with my parents. Spreading to family, spouse, my military commander during the war, business partners, even my own son. I trust no one, with anything, until they have earned it over many years of consistently trustworthy behavior. I do trust my own judgment, especially after having learned everyone of the betrayers was either a narcissist or psychopath. I don't have anxiety (anymore) and my health is good again. I am thankful to Darren and the other online professionals who have helped me in this journey.

Same here, I'm still experiencing it at this moment. The flying monkeys are the worst.

We ate walking forward. Thank God for the resources now. Instead of my parents day when you kept the family dirty laundry. And stayed stuck in abuse and it's damage

@@trickywoo356 yes. I think the flying monkeys are the worse because they were the ones who could have prevented the abuse and they empowered it instead. There are situations when a betrayal would not be able to cause deep damage if the perpetrator had no support by his/her gleeful flying monkeys.

So very true! I was raised in a similar environment.

Well put. ❤

Glad to hear you made it out of that… it hurt seeing you didn’t feel worthy of love. Everyone is always worthy of love. So thankful you have brighter days ❤️🌞

I am going through similar with my own father & a woman he has latched on to - he tells her dreadful lies about me which she believes & tells other people so all his neighbours are against me. I can't even blame it on dementia - it's pure nastiness on both their parts. I don't know why i am always surprised though as my whole family was like it, & i unwittingly married out of one dysfunctional narcissistic family & into another. My family was overt & physically violent, but the family i married into was more insidious & covert so i missed all the red flags & warning signs. It feels like my whole life has been a battle, & as a result i have cptsd as my nervous system is shot to pieces - i sometimes feel close to the edge & at the end of my tether, but i hold on to the mantra, "this too will pass" - it's the last chapter as my father is 98 so maybe when he finally passes i will at last find some peace from the hell that has been my life. I will stay alive, & i will stay sane because not for nothing have i come this far - i will weather the storm & i will come thru this, because i always have in the past.

I trauma bonded with my mother n twin I keep trusting them n getting re injured after forty years I feel as though I dnt exist in their world. N have to accept this yes resillance is so important

I don’t think you were a ‘crappy girlfriend’. That is the voice in the back of your mind trying to justify why you were treated so abhorrently.

😢❤

My heart is with you. Glad to hear you got pass it. Sending you love ❤️🌞

I don't think you were a chappy girlfriend, I think he wore you down

Correct. It tends to be cyclic and habitual behaviour in people who perpetrate betrayal.

I called the two ex-wives after I discovered that my husband was acting out on a sex addiction. This behavior was by no means new, but it sure had gotten worse. In my case he was paying for sex and risking violence and arrests. He’s gone, and it has taken me a year to get back on my feet.

You stop being a real person and become what they call a bad object and or hide behind a false self

Well put. ❤ "Focus on that curiosity." I like that!

I could not have said it better!

I agree with all of this except for the “need” to believe in a “higher power” to heal 🤢

@@heffawtf150 No offense meant to those with religious or spiritual trauma. To each, his own.

I’m around 7 years on also. I cut off all flying monkeys,friends of over 20 years and all his family. I’ve moved work and residence and now no longer work. Yes it’s still painful,however little by little I am putting myself back together after being utterly destroyed. I don’t know how I survived or what I looked like just functioning for those years. Literally lift your head to the sun,create your own coping mechanisms,indulge in things you were always curious about but didn’t get to do ( out of no time or being embarrassed) . I also am very solitary,I find peace in it. You are not the only one who lives in solitude. I will never fully trust anyone again,but that is my decision and done to protect myself. Nor will I ever forgive or forget,again my decision. You think whoever hurt you is still thinking of you? They are not and have moved onto the next victim, . Don’t give your life force to reiterating the situation. Again you are very much not the only one living in solitude.

So sorry to read your horrifying experience. I’m on this video because I’ve obviously suffered betrayal trauma as well. But I just want to validate your experience and give some compassion that person sounds like a horrifying monster.

Sending you love ❤❤❤

😢❤

❤ there are some radically damaged individuals here in the world, sounds like you were unfortunate enough to find yourself living next to one, just as I did. So happy you moved. I hope you can unwind from the experience enough to begin enjoying your life again ✨️

People can be cruel

Glad you didn’t blame yourself. Glad to hear you survived. Sending you love and light ❤️🌞

Same thing happened to me when I was in anger management. I almost kicked the counselor ass. Because she let me be attacked verbally in the group setting. Because I was betrayed by my mom. And if my mom ever hit me I'm going to hit her back. Now this counselor is trying to make it hard for me. And this happened on the second group session.

​@@ladysmith8793don't go back

This is my experience too :(

Yes. A difficult thing to accept is when the clarity, knowledge, etc. comes later in life after decades of destruction.

@@KG-ec4zz Ohhh, I'm so sorry. That is very painful. But don't forget, some people never get there. It's better late than never. I totally understand. We may give our loyalty and decades of our life only to realize it was misplaced or betrayed. But that's on them. We live and learn.

@@PetekDemircioglu-ci1lhsame here. My mom is dying and the family wants me to run to her. After all I’m the only one who survived. 2sistersxdead. Bro in prison dad dead. I’m not going backwards. Enuf is enuf.

This is positive and true. Tough times don’t last long tough people do. There is always a brighter day ❤️🌞

Are you kidding?

“I didn’t know what I was trying to heal” yes! That’s such a good point..

Yes, it's the sheer disbelief that someone could do this within the family, but i don't lnow why i'm surprised as mt whole family is like it & i was made the scapegoat. I don't teust anyone anymore. I have M.E., fibromyalgia, & cptsd as a result - my nervous system is shot to pieces - but i hold onto the mantra "this too will pass".

that sounds interesting, betrayal blindness

@@matilda4406 there is a video about Betrayal Blindness from Dr. Ramani if you are interested in viewing it. I would love to hear Mr. Magee's take on this as I like the way he presents his information. With that said I do believe it is a real thing as it explains why we literally don't see the betrayals we are experiencing. If I remember correctly she explains it as a way of protecting ourselves when we are in the midst of it.

@@winter-qd4yw yeah, the "group thing" I'm assuming. Matter of survival otherwise we get kicked out. Many people just can't live with that thought. Also depends on our personality and past experiences and how much we have matured

Hi Matilda - no, it is one of the daily videos.

@@winter-qd4yw I was referring to the blindness, meaning don't want to see it or can't handle to see it.

I live a fairly solitary life also. I find peace in it. I am thoroughly isolated, very few friends( more social acquaintances), no interests in common with my husband and son. I read actual books a lot and delve into things that I’ve always been curious about. I accept my hyper vigilance as a necessary survival mechanism. The pain from the betrayal can be funneled into an activity,exercise,counseling etc. for me for a few years there it was tattoos. I literally had no pain getting two large ones and many small ones. I felt the need to display my “ beliefs” in symbols on my body. This is a way of getting your “ power” back. Music also helps. Singing your tits off by yourself activates the vegus(?) nerve to release dopamine. I’m loving getting back to being me,before the world corrupted and confused me.

I understand totally, same here, I’m struggling 😕

I'm done with it all too

Love this ❤️🌞

Yup been there. There can be love again, just a very different type.

Mine lasted around a year. I simply functioned day to day,sometimes hour to hour, in robot mode. Then it evolves into indifference,then turn to you and piece by piece put yourself back together. This is a lifetime wound ,but you learn to carry it and start to find some beauty and joy in the world again.

I refer to one of my betrayers as Brutus.

thank you for writing this, yes, the societal failure is massive. It erodes your hope in humanity. it's just that all humans are faulty, some more, some less, some earlier, some later. It's hard to trust again. I wish you all the best in your healing journey. 💗

After covaids,a lot of folk have no faith left in any “ institutions “,myself included. The global gaslighting and generational trauma inflicted is unforgivable.

Sending you love and light ❤️🌞

@@citichic2311, appreciated.

Try to find some joy in everyday and be patient with yourself. Sending you love and light ❤️🌞

@@citichic2311 Thank you for the wise words of encouragement! 💚

I'd just like to send you this. It's a quote from C.S. Lewis: "I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was Grief." I cried so hard when I read that. I'm dealing with betrayal by my husband. We've been married for 39 years and of those years, 30 of them were spent with him wrapped up completely in a PMO addiction (porn/masturbation/orgasm). I found out accidentally 4.5 months ago when I walked into his office and found him at the computer with porn on the screen. I understand what you're saying. It is an impossible situation. Stay strong.

@@evandegenfelder4554 Thank you for the perfect quote. ✨💚✨ I'm so sorry! Betrayal is so hard. I question everything wondering what else I was blind/wrong about.

I know exactly what you mean. I've looked back over 40 years, questioning everything I thought I knew.. It is soul crushing and very defeating. @@Lioness_of_Gaia

That is just awful! Truly sick doctor

@@sabinagal9953 thank you for validating me. 😪😒

Oh’no 🥹 that doctor is a paranoid idiot. I’m so sorry you had to 2 crazy people in positions of power abuse you. ❤️‍🩹

That is a phase. First I felt physically sick all the time. My heart literally ached. I went into robot mode for around a year. Then slowly ever so slowly, I started coming back to myself. I thought ,alrighty I have to put myself back together,so who,what,where do I want to be. It’s seven years now, boundaries decided and maintained, coping mechanisms practiced, self care practised daily at some level, eating well,exercising,and delving into my own individual interests. You are in survival mode, you will get through this. The hurt never leaves but you learn to live with it.

Go with your gut. Do not put yourself in any situation where you can see her trying to make a flying monkey of the counsellor. They are only human to and a narcissist will always manipulate any and all situations.

Wow that’s sad…. I’m honestly kinda feeling like that too… but I’m keeping the faith, finding joy in everyday, and staying positive. Sending you love ❤️🌞

You’re welcome and thank you so much for your kind support

Cudos to you for posting. While I was the one hurt ,in piecing myself back together,I have also looked at all the ugly things about me ,it’s hard even sickening but I can now accept these parts of me. Just keep in mind perpetrators are almost always victims also.

Not yet but thank you for the suggestion