That’s when you say look in the mirror and walk away.

Could be their last ditch effort for a response from you? Don't forget, they love the responses/ fights 😆

That's projecting. They will always project what they do on you!

Exactly, it can drive a person crazy. When they do it or try to call you out then you call them out so that they know they are wrong. It’s annoying because you’re reacting to how they treat you but won’t take accountability for how they treat you. So you tell them “I did this because you did that to me, reacted to your treatment because I’m human too”.

So true AND they convince themselves it is so.

You are incredibly brave. This process takes stamina and resilience. I am so excited for the new life you're building!

You are deserving of better, you are brave, your are strong!! Run, don't walk towards that divorce!! Free yourself and heal for you are a Phoenix that rises from her ashes and soars ever higher ❤

Yes you do

Thank you for the encouragement y’all. This is super hard but the right thing to do.

This might sound silly, but when it feels like you can't stand, lay down flat on your back. You may not be up-right, but you've got a clear view of the sky and they're not blocking anything. Metaphorically speaking, of course. But it kind of helps clear my head thinking that way at times. And it helps me to keep from giving up.

Exactly going through it right this week😅

They are suddenly "concerned" - not about you, of course, but it's a self-serving way to both get information about you (to use against you) and to make it seem as if they are a kind friend who has your back, and not the person who waited for your back to be turned and struck.

The flying monkeys, I'm dealing this right now with my father (the narc) and his mother, managed to see her without him during Christmas and she only brought him up twice so I'll take it as a win

Oh yes, my narc parents did this. One time I didn’t respond to their text or answer the door when they showed up at my apartment and they called the police to do a “wellness check”. Absolutely insane and extremely scary.

I recently called out a friend who always said the caring things whilst treating me really badly. She never followed through with promises and her behaviour and let-downs got worse and worse over the years. When I objected and stopped changing my plans for her she was furious, refused to discuss any of her behaviour because I was now difficult and unreasonable, how ridiculous I expected what I gave back! But I was often in her thoughts, she sent me love (really?)

🔥🔥🔥

🔥🔥🔥

I'm a b!Tch and a c*nt all the time to my ex now.

I am slowly enjoying saying No!

Same here. It’s a well-worn, instinctual behavior path. Those are hard to install speed bumps on. But worth it for your own health. Keep trying and know that you’re not alone. 🫶🏻

Same, it’s a constant battle within myself.

Yeah, me too. I’ve been trying to turn it just a little bit down several times but, man, it’s hard work and suddenly everybody around me think something is wrong because I act ‘demanding’ or just respond like a normal unbroken person🫠

Yes. It is hard not to. I applaud you for working and moving forward.

That’s a compliment coming from them, you’re learning self-love.

@@LotusLiin 💯 Actually you stop it not deliberately for example to take revenge. After a while feelings are fading, it's not coming inside, you turn into your soul and as you said you learn self-love.

My kids have called me selfish, or I am acting selfishly. Their mother has them brainwashed. Only 1 sees me for who I really am.

thank you ❤

Awesome you stood up for your daughter's needs at such a vulnerable time.

Well done! I would imagine it felt kinda good to get the chance to say that out loud.

While I applaud you for speaking up for your daughter and standing up against narcissistic behavior, I can't help but wonder if the timing could've been better. Your son-in-law's mother was going through the death of her child. My sympathies go out to everyone in this situation.

❤

Very well said. Healthy people don't want you to get out of your way to please them, they value themselves and others equally and they want you to feel as relax as they do. Fawning only benefits the unhealthy looneys out there.

@@sunbeam9222 Very well said yourself! ☺️

😊👏👍💯

Me too! Brava!

Same with me, the most horrible discart....he become violent...narcissistic rage is like hell..

((😢))

Happened to me too. The first time I set a strong boundary and stood firm with it: immediate discard + smear campaign.

Me too. Discard. So fast. It really broke my heart. But I knew I needed to get out of there, so I put on my little sneakers, packed my stuff, and ran as fast as I could. I don’t want to ever be devalued in that way again. I feel so much stronger and healthier now.

I know one just like that!! Trying to forget about him…

My “best friend” was like this. I went no contact.

My bfs mother 😅

Facts!! 💯

❤

That is the gift of awareness, might take a long while to show up but once it happens we can not put a lid on it.

❤‍🩹

You can pet a porcupine if you are respectful and go about it in the right way!

❤‍🩹

That took a lot of courage, good for you. I had to start writing down “events” in detail so that I knew I wasn’t making it up or simply losing my mind.

This is happening to me literally now. I’ve been responding less frequently to friends and they all notice. Mind you, these are people that many times don’t answer nor return my calls. I don’t care what they think and one friend doesn’t know we’re no longer friends. Tired of being overly available to people that view me as an afterthought.

Not being the same person and standing up for self…….. Who would have thought, this within itself would be so difficult. The constant, you left me….. To the work environment, what is wrong with you, I never seen you like this before… Like why can’t I speak up, and call you out, when you say or do something disrespectful, why can’t I write you up to make it known that you are continuing to make me uncomfortable with your nasty disrespectful comments towards me and other coworkers. It makes me shake my head in disbelief, how we are as people sometimes,

You never know how strong you are, until that's the only option

@@monikagin I love that.

Good for you and I hope you can enjoy your retirement.

50% of people with NPD are Women. Virtue signal much?

look for this study: "On the reception and detection of pseudo-profound bullshit"

Since we don’t want to be accused of being sexist, this should actually read, “ A persons strength should not be measured by the impact that all of their hardships in life have had on them. Rather, their strength should be measured by the extent of their refusal to allow those hardships to dictate them and who they become.”

This quote is a pretty way of putting the impact of narc abuse back on the abused. Not helpful and not in context.

It's not by my strength.... sometimes I have felt so weak I could barely hold my head up. When I ask Jesus and The Holy Spirit to help me, there is my strength.

When you lose pain, you gain peace. Sometimes it takes awhile to recognize a blessing, but when you do the regrets you felt melt away.

Sorry to hear that I had narcissist parents too they never admitted to anything

It's so great to hear older people learning too. I wish your generations could have had the resources I had in my 20s but I'm so glad we all have these resources now.

Right on! That’s probably one of the best things you could’ve ever done for yourself!

Good for you!

What you did was absolutely right, but make sure not to hate her or hate yourself for taking that decision because the first person that's affected by hatred is our own self, It will still take time for you to accept that subconsciously. Yes ! that's possible, we can say the right thing without hate and without guilting ourselves. That's 100 percent possible!!!!!!

Haha absolutely. I woke up about 8 years ago and saw the word discernment appear in big golden letters above my head. It wasn't a word I was very familiar with so I brushed it of but it followed me through the day until I stopped to write it down check it's definition and ponder over it.

I am so sorry you went through this and hope you’re in a better place ❤

I’m not religious at all but your comment is gold.

I needed to hear this. Thank you!

Yes, credit for that statement goes to @Jay Reid who does psychotherapy & narc abuse recovery as well ❤

Good you educated yourself. This most dangerous time, watch out for self, children. 🤝🫂

@@Stardustpal25 Thank you so much, I will do.

It's amazing how often toxic people fall in with other toxic people, especially when they're older. I think that's why they often end up going for teens etc, because once people get older they're a lot less likely to fall for the love bombing. So, now they try to get back with their past victims or find an inexperienced person to fool. Which is why educating ourselves can also be important, we're contributing to a culture of awareness about abuse.

I hope my ex doesn’t try to pull this stunt when things get worse for her

Isn't it amazing that these greedy narcs do all the damage they want, then act like they are entitled no matter what, to be treated like nothing happen.

👊🏽👌🏽

❤‍🩹

Same 🙏🏾

Indeed :)

Wow. Same here. I have recently learned about fawning and that was how I survived at home so became a world-class people pleaser as an adult. I learned to please for over 60 years in order to "feel safe" with any group or individual and was VERY GOOD at it. My narcissist abusive dad groomed me to fawn from an early age. I soon learned that I lost my identity at the expense of pleasing everyone in order to not be punished as a child... it simply carried over into adulthood.

Exactly, they do not care.

Love and courage to you! Trust your gut and find healthy relationships, I'm at that stage now and having some success (even though it's terrifying).

Love that you confuse those narcs! Being nice is our own choice!

This is so true! Narcissists cannot discern if a person is simply being nice or if they're a literal doormat because narcissists cannot even fathom being genuinely nice to anyone themselves. Everything they do is with a motive of getting some type of narcissistic supply, so being nice as a choice does not exist in them. It's always about them being nice out of necessity. They either want something or they feel like a low-life inferior to someone else, so they're nice to that person to try to ingratiate themself to the one the feel inferior to. It's actually disgusting and embarrassing to watch. This is what they think those who are being nice to them are doing. They actually think that you're groveling to them as an inferior because that's one of the main reasons they're nice to others. Their only other assumption would be that you're being nice to try to trick them or manipulate them out of something because, again, that is why they are nice to others.

@@GB_008 yep, dealing with one right now. I’m nice, however, with the tactics they use, they’re becoming frustrated, because they’re not making any headway and I know they find it confusing, because they see themselves as being a bulldozer, that just gets their way. I’m silent about what I see. But, I know that they don’t consider what would happen to them, if they got their way. Like, what comes after. Like with the family I went no contact with, I felt it not just best for me, but for everyone. Because I know myself well enough, where if I felt trapped, in an abusive situation, may as well torch the whole building.

To the detriment of your own wellbeing. I know that feeling. It’s the most detracting, confusing, deleterious, and once you really wake up to the realness of the ongoing harmful manipulation outraging thing.

@@jasonwimberly5636 I used to appease my narcissistic family by talking around subjects but not about them. I would hint at something, but never quite say it. THEY thought it was easier to talk around an issue than to talk about it. But when I finally started talking about stuff, they ostracized me. They didn't like that I was talking about things that made them uncomfortable, so they shut me out. Now I know that I have to stand up for myself and my boundaries. I can't let them control me anymore.

​@@jasonwimberly5636 The word salads were the most confusing for me. When I reached the point where I didn't care anymore, that's when I started to stand up for myself. Okay, yeah, it is when you realize that they are harmful and manipulative people, and they do it out of spite because you're more authentic than they could EVER be. They tried their hardest to make me conform to what they wanted me to be, but in my head, I just kept saying no; I don't wanna be like them. In the end, I am NOTHING like them; I am the sober version of my entire family of origin.

@@kryssysmith1486 Right, they will try to squeeze out and kill every last drop of virtue in you. And the real secret when you cut through it all is that that really and truly they can’t stand themselves and they try to cover up for the fact by trying to shame and blame you. The overwhelmingly intense need to control and dominate. That’s because they can’t really be themselves, they know they are monsters, and they probably reckoned you knew it too. Authentic is the exact antithesis of inauthentic. And therefore, fake and narcissistic and manipulative and deceitful people will always be threatened by this. And that’s because they have some weakness or vulnerability that they are ashamed of and feel the need to cover up. Remember, these types of family systems can only cope and coexist as long as their collective shame remains hidden and unseen. Anyone who would dare cast a spotlight on it is automatically an enemy. Just wait for the lies and the smear campaigns and the questioning of your sanity starts. It’s taken me a while to realize it, but in these situations silence speaks the loudest and ironically is harder to ignore than any audible protest you make. Because in silence there is nothing for their negativity to hook onto, no echo or reverberation of the pain they cause, and for sadists of any sort that’s a huge and major disappointment so, when you leave sometimes their is nothing for them to do but either drive themselves crazy over you or move on. Sometimes they are so accustomed to having you as a target to scapegoat, manipulate and abuse when you depart they damn near almost don’t know what to do. And sometimes the cover-ups in a family are a coordinated affair. Its the shit they pathalogically bond over. The irony is the guilt we feel in cutting them off is totally unwarranted. Why? Because if we didn’t cut them off, that crap would have never ended, they would’ve done it to us until either the day we died or they did. And the would have tugged us back and forth and kept us in perpetual confusion, depression, disillusionment and had our bodies rotting, soaking, and stinking in self-hatred and animosity. I have seen some people stay until they became chronically ill and or otherwise, diseased. Nobody ever tells us how attachment to a negative family can be a causal factor in the development of dis-ease. Cutting off tumors saves lives! I say if you ever feel the need to you may consider doing what I do, I visualize them as glass bottles full of poisons, in the visualization, I collect them all into a cardboard box, and carry them to the incinerator and drop them in the trash. And when one drops trash in the garbage and or the incinerator you don’t typically tend to look back unless one thinks one accidentally left something of value in that rubbish does one? Thats the sad truth about how hopeless the situation is when you’re dealing with “cluster b” typed personalities, or Bipolar Disordered persons. The peer-reviews research by Psychiatrists and Psychologists, proves it out. These people more as the rule rather than the exception are that way for life. This is why you can be gone for 20 years and come back and find nothing has changed. This is why when one sits in that shit and hope for change and try to contort themselves in every which way to try to find some respect and understanding one never does. And the reason is quite the opposite of what they want you to believe which is that it’s you. It’s not! It’s them! The myths society spouts out about family togetherness when it comes to these types of people, when it comes to one actually REALIZING a recovery, REALIZING health, and REALIZING happiness and the achievement of your goals, hopes, wishes and dreams; could never happen they would could . If your surrounded by and connected to narcissistic self-serving and scheming individuals. For some, these precepts about “family” are not the inspirational things they masquerade to be. In a scenario like ours they are nothing more than sugar laced chains meant to keep you burdened and enslaved and one way ticket to a hellish climate of narcissistic entitlement, invalidation, and abuse.

@@kryssysmith1486The issues probably go way back in the family line somewhere and the plain truth is that the problems that make them the way they are predate your birth. That said, you are one of the ones who came out of the shared delusion, that these folks tend to live in. The word salads are nothing more than a manifestation of the desire to deflect responsibility at any costs are hardly worth engaging. The key is to know that the word salad, or word salsa as I call it, is just another way of saying “you’re telling the truth again” and “I don’t want to hear it” I am more interested in confusion than inclusion. Because if they said anything that made sense that would be the equivalent of validating you. We have to remember that narcissists are INCORRIGIBLY COMMITTED to denying us a sense of belonging and community. Their goal is to make you feel excluded. An honest response is validation and promotes a sense of acceptance. But they cannot accept someone that they have been so cruel to. The reason why is that accepting you means accepting a truth about themselves that they will go to great lengths not to see. Yet at the same time quite maddeningly they don’t want to lose control over you. Sometimes even a lack of a response would cause the abuse target to walk away. Remember these people are often hiding great pain, and they need a target to pin their gross, deceitful and ungodly thoughts, appetites and behavior onto. You trying to figure out their word salads serves that agenda, the more you try to figure them out the deeper they get their hooks into you driving you into madness and having you confused fills these spiritual weaklings with a false sense of power and superiority, the way these monsters see it being able to induce a sense of confusion in you is a testament to their “power” and their ability to influence you. In short the word salad serves 3 purposes, 1.) To keep you feeling disempowered through inducing a sense of confusion; 2.) To allow the narcissist to remain ignorant of an ego shattering and shame inducing truth. 3.) To export the shame and malignancy they feel in the aftermath of their own history of being devalued and unacknowledged by someone else in their historical timeline ont o you. In other words the word salad is just another one of their instruments of abuse. Not worth engaging in. The key to defeating that is to just simply disengage. With family this can be hard to do. But totally worth it because again their modus operandi is to defy the truth with the goal of perpetuating abuse. They are wholeheartedly committed to making you THINK they misunderstand you. They really don’t though, but again if they admitted it and because they think everything is a power contest and every move is a power move, admission in their minds is relinquishing power to you which again in their mind in turn would mean they lose.

I needed to hear that ❤

It's so though, painful, fearful, lots of obstacle, failing, doubts but we have to be willing to see what is the other side of life❤❤❤❤❤

All true, but her point here is to finally put yourself first, and be okay if people don't understand you. It's the assertiveness of self that is the focus. Instead of focusing on relationships and how we treat others, sometimes the only major concern we should focus on is how we treat ourselves, and leave the platitudes behind.

I agree, but it’s so difficult to do to the ones who have hurt you.

You nailed it!!!!! Bible

Purple is ny favorite color and it looks so pretty on her.

If it can be done safely, being discarded can be a blessing.

there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.

this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.

Think of it like weening an infant, it's something that has to be done for both mom and baby's benefit, but it's really freaking hard for both. The baby screams and cries and mom gets overwhelmed with guilt. Or following the wheel analogy you stopped balancing his bike by running alongside and holding him up because you broke your leg doing that and now he's throwing a tantrum because he's too scared to do it on his own. Whether he takes it or not this is giving him an opportunity to see himself and change for the better. Hurting yourself to deny him that opportunity is surely worse then, right? You wouldn't give an addict drugs, so stopping giving him his. He might never change, even if he does he might always resent you, but you are doing what's best for him and yourself and that my dear is winning at life ❤

"break him"

I do this with my parents, talk really loud I'm basically shouting. I didn't even realize it until I got married, and my husband asked why I was always shouting with my parents. There is no other way to be heard with them, and even then the chance is slim.

Honey, get yourself a bullhorn for your next birthday! I finally figured out that my husband was a narcissist only when he was an active (devoted, even,) alcoholic. The Lord "gifted" him with heart problems and a doctor told him to stop drinking, so he did. He was a completely changed man after that and we remarried and stayed married until he died. So I get it about not being sure if your hubby was really a narcissist or just needed to be talked to really LOUDLY.

@@ValSMITH-it4lg 🤣😚

Always listen to your body!! You're breaking the cycle and also knocking out the orbit of people who aren't meant for you.

The process of liberation, both from the narcissist and from your old patterns of coping, takes time. It can be difficult, but recognizing that you are a human being with the same rights to respect and fair treatment as every other human being and also being patient and gentle with yourself as you learn a new way of thinking and reacting, will help you find your way. You can do this!

I struggle with forgiveness, but it is easier when I remember that forgiveness DOESN'T mean saying that it was ok for the person to abuse me. It also doesn't mean that I have to remain their punching bag, or that I have to reconcile with them. It simply means that I am releasing them from their debt to me. They don't owe me anymore. It severs the bond between us and helps me to close the door on them and move on.

@@ValSMITH-it4lg Thank you for this🙏 I really appreciate these resonating words & they are very helpful to me. A Divine message I believe to help me release the decades-long blockage caused by unforgiveness of narc abuse. I pray for help to RELEASE THEM ALL (& the EGO fantasy of them getting theirs & burning w/shame.) Thus, all the energetic cords that have kept us (trauma) bound together will disintegrate!

My faith teaches that I must forgive others, because I've been forgiven much. But it doesn't teach that I must reconcile and be a punching bag to an unrepentant abuser. Glad that you were helped. Remember that you are loved by the Creator, and He wants to heal you and make you whole. God bless you on your journey.

@@ValSMITH-it4lg Thank you for words of encouragement! I do believe that God puts you in places to see things & hear things (in this case, read things'!) Blessings to you on your journey also!!!

I now find red to be a favorite color!

You were scapegoated and bullied by abusive people, who, in the long run, don't matter. By standing up for yourself you were showing yourself respect and love, and THAT DOES MATTER! Recovering from abuse is a shedding of what is an anchor, weighing you down and keeping you in stagnant waters. Once you cut that anchor you are free to set forth on your life's journey, and oh what an adventure the Lord has in store for you! "Untold want, by life and land ne'er granted, Now, Voyager, sail forth, to seek and find." Walt Whitman God bless you on your journey!

Well, you are changing things for the better by having the self-respect to get help to change things. That means it is no longer the same circumstance. You are taking your power to make a change. Congratulations! You are on your way to a better life! God bless you on your journey!

@@ValSMITH-it4lg Thank you for your kindness! ☺️

Do it You will Breathe Better❤🎉😊

You weren't stupid. You were trusting. Big difference. As an abused child it can be difficult to learn who to trust, since those who should naturally be loving and protective of us were the ones who abused us. That creates a great confusion in the spirit, and we are left with an unfulfilled yearning for a love we never received, and an utter confusion about how, and from whom, we can get that legitimate need fulfilled. So please, be patient with yourself. Don't give your abuser the victory of engendering self hatred in yourself. You are worthy of love and respect. God bless.

@@ValSMITH-it4lg Thank you for explaining that so clearly. I did believe that love and acceptance would be found within the church and took what they said and did to heart internalizing everything. That's what made all of what they did, all that happened so devastating. The Lord is patient with me though. Someday I hope to see myself as He does. God bless.

You will be face to face with the Lord one day and will be seen and known for who you are. That gives me peace and hope. God bless you, too!