Marriage to a narcissist is the only war, in which you're sleeping with the enemy. You can't expect loyalty from someone who can't be honest.

The only narcissistic relationship that you should keep and will work is the one with your narcissistic cat.

It's EXHAUSTING AF.

Realizing it was all a lie is devastating.

Living in the twilight zone is the worst… and neglecting yourself is a death sentence. Literally…

Get out now. It will save you years of heartache, confusion, illness, stress, worry, being used, lied to, abused, cheated on, and loss of your spirit

Nothing is ever good enough for them. They always find a way to criticize, find fault, make wrong. The only way to win is to walk away.

Forgetting who you are authentically, or never learning, is one of the most devastating parts of narcissistic relationships. And there are ripple effects so we must forge ahead and heal ourselves.

I was in survival mode for 50+ years. It was after 10 years away from narcissists… I began to realize my constant state of hyper vigilance. I just learned (in the last year) that it was narcissistic abuse. Now, at 68, I’m very protective of MY thoughts and feelings.

Overtly narcissistic people are tough to deal with, but at least it’s pretty clear who the enemy is…it’s when you fall in love with a covert narcissist that life changes forever.

It’s a very exhausting, confusing and soul destroying type of relationship, AND the most unhealthy 😔

If you take the fight, they accuse you off being toxic and blame you for everything. If you comply, they loose respect and treat you like garbage. You can play the power game and win for a while if you are strong enough, but eventually, they'll find new supply because they can't control you and then "I was unhappy with you, my needs were not met, then it is justify that I find someone else". The only solution is to gather your strength and get out, confront if needed. You won't get out unscratched, but it is necessary.

My mother was married to my father for twenty years. She fought constantly, tried to run away, attempted s**cide several times, locked in a mental hospital five months and given shock’s treatments. When released after third psychiatristic appt the doctor said she was normal. My father was the problem. Typical narcissist who gaslighted her big time.

That's why a narcissistic relationship is so bad - not because it's bad all the time, but because it's manipulative.

When my loving husband told me the good WOMAN Doctor Ramani is putting "ideas" in my head. I almost vomited! That was my validation. I am onto him. Thank you Doctor.

Thank you doctor. If I win the lottery I will build a hotel for victims of narcissistic abuse. I think many stay because they have no financial footing to support a move.

If I would tell my husband I had good news he would usually say, “Oh yeah?” And nothing more. But he has ruined almost every holiday for me, many birthdays and anniversaries and the very worst of all, my Dad’s passing! I know we’re supposed to forgive to heal, but that one I cannot find a way. I could go on and on and on but all I can say after being with him for over 36 years. I WANT OUT!!! I am SICK of him and I want to leave him while I go for a loaf of bread and NEVER contact him again! I want him to just be ALONE like I have been for many many years!

After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!

When I tell him I need something he does the opposite so I learned to say nothing. We were once on vacation with another couple and even they noticed. They said why don't to tell us if you want to go to a certain restaurant or place and we will ask him. He will do it then.

Narcissists stole my health, well i am getting it back!!!! Praying Psalms 1-150🙏🇯🇲🫅👑🌹🩺🌺

The grumpy at events hits so hard. They can't stand to see others do well. The jealousy consumes them.

It so exhausting and it never ends.

Dr. Ramani, this is the most helpful video I have ever watched because I am stuck in this marriage right now. I cannot leave. I do not play games. I'm a transparent straight shooter but here I am in a marriage where I feel like an actress on a stage playing a role that is not me. It does feel awful. I didn't even know what this WAS until a few months into the marriage he began a crushing silent treatment which made me want to go screaming, climbing the walls, begging him to speak with me. Then I googled and you tubed and learned what I am facing. I went to therapy for a time and the theme was set boundaries and be kind to myself. Being kind to myself info was helpful but boundaries...boundaries only made him more horrible and actually pushed him into violence. Dr. Ramani, sometimes, like now, I just begin crying. My life is so far off the rails. I moved thousands of miles to marry him, lost all my friends, my parents have passed, my brother is devoured by a very rough life. I watch your films and consider you one link I have to normalcy. I just want to thank you so much for how you share this information. You have literally saved my life, Dr. Ramani. Thank you. -Rachel

Thieves of joy 😢

Yes , I am experiencing my empathy being stolen. It's very upsetting. I don't like the negative , unkind changes in myself when I'm around this person.

I remember when my x narc would look at me and sometimes say “you just want to fight”. I was sitting there quietly, minding my own. Id look at him in wide eye surprise and say “What??? I dont want a fight!” But he did and it was “game on”, gaslighting, name calling, stonewalling…….he was incapable of peace. IM SO GLAD I WENT NO CONTACT.

I spent months wanting the old version of him back until I realized it was just a facade, he always left me drained and every time we split and got back together he became meaner, your content helped me get out and understand the situation. thank you, God bliss you!

My husband LOVES to walk around at events at my work and act like HE is the one being honored! Or if I'm getting an award he will commandeer the spotlight and tell everyone how proud he is of me and how he has supported me all along. It;s all I can do not to barf.

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

My daughter is now Free, he died of a brain tumor and we're thankful. She's in recovery now.

It feels awful not standing up for myself, like I'm being unauthentic. But around narcissistic people it's not always worth it. I like the reframe, and that I can remind myself of my reasons. Avoiding consequences (which they will deliver) and the alternative, hearing the narcissist "remind me who I am and who they are." It saves me from their abusive ways and wasted time. This helps a lot. Thank you for the encouragement.

So true about you stop being your authentic self. I’m free now and getting back the vitality I used to have ❤

You are a blessing Dr. Ramani 💛✨

I lost a year with my last relationship and I have sworn, "Never again." I am 68 and time is too precious. These people do not show anyone who they are at first.

Give in while retaining a sense of self -ugh. Brings up grief, exhaustion , and rumination when realize they won’t change.

People say, if it’s so bad. Why don’t you leave. But if you leave, then you are considered the bad person for leaving. Your damned if you do leave, your damned if you don’t leave. It’s a no win situation, ALWAYS.

"Your good news is their shame activator", so true! I have experienced this over and over again, in various relationships with narcissists (including my mother, sister, and certain boyfriends). I feel sad looking back and remembering times when I wanted to share something good in my life with a loved one, only to be met with indifference, passive aggressiveness, or the silent treatment. It was so confusing to me at the time, but now I understand what was going on.

I didnt just "leave" my narc. After a brutal 10 year marriage, he announced he was leaving when I was two weeks away from delivering our second child, because he didnt want another child. After 7 months, when I was getting happy again, he wooed me back. I left a year later after he lied to me one night after he went into greusome details of his mothers suicide....only to be told it was all a lie after I was crying hysterically, because he wanted to see how I would react. He allowed me to take one plate, one fork, one spoon, on sheet, one towel in a wagon to live in a trailer 1/4 mile from a water supply in a marina. I still wanted to share custody so I wouldn't deny my kids their dad. On Christmas Eve, he got drunk n threw me around. I freaked out n took my girls n fled the state. He followed us and met my family whom he had isolated me from for 10 years. The day after our divorce was final, my sister called and told me they were living together and not to worry about my girls. She'd help them! wtf, Aunt Mom???!!! That lasted 2 years until I stopped caring. He left her 3 months after I honestly did not care anymore. LEAVING WAS WORTH IT ALL. The pain he continues to dish out shifted to my grown kids as soon as they attempted to resurrect their relationship. He's mentally ill. Me n my girls built a good life. Therapy helps, it is SELF LOVE that works. Self Love Recovery Plan is your life jacket. It may take time to put on, still persevere. It is the most important effort you pursue. Thanks, Doc. Great video.

"Psychological hostage", that's a more accurate label than "victim."

LIMIT your interactions with them (time, energy, presence, and finance)‼️ Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries‼️ They’re ruthless‼️

I adore dr. Ramani , she’s brilliant .

I’m sure this will be lost in the comments but I wanted to reach out in some way to thank the person that has helped me. Thank you for being so raw and for saying the things that people feel but can’t say out loud . Thank you for repeating over and over to be gentle with our selfs. Thank you for going against the grain and saying truths that society shames a victim for. Thank you for putting out so much strength and love for those that don’t know how to do it for themselves quite yet. Thank you for being voice that finally made sense.

I'm trying to make it "work" while i plan my escape without the narcissist knowing. It's incredibly difficult to see her everyday. Having to have conversations like I don't know exactly what I'm dealing with. The anxiety is sometimes overwhelming. And I suffer it in silence. I have about 4 months to go. Ughhh.

The narcissist wanted to be the first to know, because they want to feel like they're the most important.

Was just having a conversation with my son about his narc father who I divorced and he hasn't been in touch with our son in over 15 years. I was saying that on the days where everything was going one thousand percent HIS way, when there were no conflicts or challenges with the world...he was perfectly happy to be happy. And things would be good. But let one tiny little challenge come into the day and that 'peace in the valley' was over and life was a nightmare. So glad he's out of our lives.

He would blame me for not expressing my needs. Then disagreed with me when I expressed the need to have him ask permission before entering my personal space. It was too much effort on his part, because he could not fathom why I needed that boundary. For so long, I have blamed myself for not standing up to him more strongly. This video helps me forgive and understand myself better.

When you're around them(particularly the covert) and you feel like it's not real, that you're acting like a performing monkey, doing and saying what they expect. It's like you're watching yourself from and distance and not really there and nd thinking wtf am I doing! You don't know who you are, you're smiling, it feels like you should be happy but you're not ✌

Over 3 yrs post narc, no contact. It's like u were there!! I'm so thankful, and happy, that I'm gone!!!

My narcissistic mother is 89 years old. She has/has had kidney disease, breast cancer, bladder cancer, melanoma, heart disease, hip replacement, dental issues…the list goes on and on. She is wealthy and “gets” that money is power and control. I do what I do for my kids and my sister’s kids (she, herself, went no contact years ago and has been disowned, adding validity to my fears). I know I am suffering. I know I have options. I’m 15 years in to this ordeal and I feel like the irony would be if I quit now, she disowned me and the children, and then died. So I continue on, begging God to take her. My best friend jokingly says that when she passes we will celebrate with champagne and a rousing chorus of “ding dong the witch is dead”. It may be macabre humor but it does help.

The Twilight Zone episode was actually a tyrannical boy played by Billy Mumy* and it is called “ It’s a Good Life”. Truly one of their most intense ones.

If you want to do something and they want something else, they will have a fit to get their way. After this occurs often enough, you may start responding to the question, “What do you want to do?” by saying “Whatever you want to do.” This will anger them as well. You can’t win.

I stayed because I didn't know he is narcissistic 26 years ago. I have 'yellow rocked ' so much that I don't recognize myself anymore. Because I am not like that in reality.

been tapping out of arguments even though what was said wasn't true. Just to not argue. I even began to enjoy getting the silent treatment just because I get peace of mind in solitude

Sooo true. Always spoil any family or special night. Also I refrained from tell I had suspected breast cancer as I would have to deal with him having more or worse or bigger problems than mine. When I did have to tell him he only reaction was to resent he wasn’t 1st to know & no support was forthcoming 😢. But it all turned out ok. Thank goodness.

I know I’m with a narcissist but the empath in me has me in denial

The hardest thing is to learn to trust others including trusting my decisions. Then trying to figure out where I want to go

I am trying to get out of a 12 year relationship with a narc …it is probably the most difficult experience I have ever had in my life and some days I feel I just want to give up 😭 😓

WOW!!! You explained my 23 year marriage.

Lost 6.5yrs ...survival mode masters degree earned !!! I finally broke free in April 2024 but it's been a nightmare of losses and attacks (verbal, media, friends, family , death threats...etc) but I still feel soooo much better dealing with these attacks and smear campaign than living with him and walking on egg shells & living I'm complete survival mode 24/7. Worth it 😢💔💯‼️🙌

He never appreciated a thing about me I started to forget myself and who I am because there he was calling me things I wasn't ...I learned the importance of self-love and esteem

If only I had know what narcissism was 35 years ago. I would have distanced myself from my parents and not married my husband. My whole life would have been different. And way bettter.

It is hard work but I think it’s worse to ignore it and try to put on a happy face.

No one can steal your empathy and compassion. Narcissists have a free will and make their choices, clearly evil ones.

Gave in after gray rock and felt like crap.

So happy that I am in this place already! Seeing this video today reinforced my progress- thank you!

I finally became “Aware” truly aware of my toxic marriage decades later. So depleted. Couldn’t get out of bed for a year, and so on. I became dissociated. I am a Codependent and high sensitive empath - which I’ve learned they love the most. Still in the process of completely letting go, but it is slow and hard, but staying the course!! 💪🏻🙏🏻💜

Dr. Ramani, you have helped me so much to understand the marriage I endured for almost 30 years with a man, also a police office with narcissistic tendencies if not narcissistic pd. Our father fits the description as well and I always tended to gravitate toward these types of men. Thank you so much for helping me to heal from this but to also understand these people as well as myself. Moving on toward a healthy, happy new life! ❤

I have a request for a video..one specifically about financially exploitive narcissists and how this can make their partners feel responsible for their very survival as a way to trap their partners in the relationship.

NC with my mother. It's draining. Nobody believes me bc "you spent so much time with her, it couldn't be that terrible."

Wish I know of you years ago!!!!! Sadly my mother, father, and all siblings are all narcissist. Years of hell! Great video thank you!

I have been helped alot with thinking in terms of scale of narcissism. Some are high on the scale, some are lower but we all are on the scale. Name calling never helps. In fact , nothing I do can change a person. I can only change myself. He/she does not have the scale to measure my worth The best thing I can do for myself and the high-in-scale narcissistic person is be solid in myself

I agree with Dr. RAM...💐on..: ..LOSE THE BATTLES, WIN THE WARS ..PERIOD..

Yes, it does get exhausting standing up for yourself and your values with the narc is EXHAUSTING!

Knowledge is everything !! I stayed 10 years with a narcissist without even knowing and I wondered why it took me so long to heal..

Thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏 for your helpful videos❤

I dont like how I act when Im with the narc, no! Thanks for letting me know that is common.

It’s such a hopeless state, life was soo pointless @ times. He couldn’t be ok that I didn’t want to spend all my feee time with him. I needed to belong to what he belonged to or there was punishment. I’m still amazed being with friends in good relationships to see how free they are. I’m out now but it took 4 decades & the effects are still showing up but I’m aware & change what I can. Thank you for your sharing, most people have no idea how CRAZY it was. It really is unbelievable what gradually happens.

Lifetime codependent here; attracted narcissist starting with my father. 55 and realizing it, but I’ve isolated and spent 4 months in a tent with my loving dogs and the beauty of nature enveloping us. I’m tired so tired!

When I gave birth to my first son, laying in the hospital bed, the viciously narc sibling ran up to me CRYING 😢 but it wasn't happiness... the tears were more sad, weirdly contemptuous and fake. Not truly happy for me. I shall never forget that moment. Over the years she NEVER cultivated a relationship with him, her nephew. He is now in his thirties.

The narcissists in my life all attempt to compete with me instead of being happy for my achievements. ( I've stopped wondering why. ). . In addition, they manage to take delight in any of my failures. Instead of truly offering support at a time of need, they bring up your failures at family functions so they can feel better about themselves. Yes, narcissists do rob you of joy and a sense of self-worth. ( and lots of money.) Couldn't have said it better. My heart goes out to people who are also subjected to malignant narcissistic behavior.

I really identify with a lot of this, especially when at 31:24 she starts talking about what we recognize about ourselves when around the narcissist and how it affects our outlook. I feel like this has made a lot more negative than I am at heart. Sad thing is that every time I have resolved to put an end to it, something happens (latest is recovering from Covid and it's after effects). Most days it feels like I just need to accept that this is my lot and just deal with it. Getting too old to escape the black hole.

I remember that Twilight Zone episode! Yes, it is a great analogy for dealing with a tyrant narcissist.

I’m hearing you dr Ramani …… it’s just what I’m doing after 48 years of being with this narc & is a relief cos I’m getting a lot of people who say… just leave. I have decided to choose my arguments! Thank you. 💕 for your wise words.

Very true, thank you Dr. Ramani. Narcissistic abuse is overwhelmingly cruel to a subjected victim. It is not to be tolerated.

I tried for years to make it work and show him how much I loved him. Finally I see him as a neglectful narcissist who uses me then ignores and discards me over and over and over. I'm ready to get off the roller-coaster

Thank you Dr Ramani, I can't express how much you have empowered me to deal with the narcissistic person in my life.

I was with a covert malignant narc for 12 years-married for 10 and share 2 kids and 1 stepchild. Finally left for good two months ago. Thanks to Dr. Ramani, I’ve been prepared for the aftermath. It’s not easy, but I knew it wouldn’t be.

I just hate the brain damage staying has caused me, but I see no way out

I have been a victim of a narcissist for 39 years. I didn't understand what was going on, why I've been treated like trash all of this time. Since doing research I now realise that it's not me with the problem, it's her.

broke, can't have friends, can't have a lot of things that might help a person leave. I have my own income, but It's small, imagined expenses happen. risking getting kicked out on the street is a big risk when no one rents to single ladies.

It's hard to tell someone that they're in a toxic relationship, especially a guy who is being abused by a woman. Denial and cognitive dissonance is powerful. Defense mechanism is to blame themselves or the truth teller. Not my responsibility to help them through when they start blaming me.

I can’t tell you how much your videos have helped me. I feel like a person again

Dr R this is one of your most helpful videos- The concept of feeling “Empowered” by tactically giving in and not experiencing codependency and self loathing in not taking a stand sometimes is brilliant and certainly necessary for survival. Thank you.

After 27 years I finally and happily left a toxic marriage. Years of marriage counseling, individual therapy, plus my own research; then finally a therapist told me about Narcissistic personality. Two religioous told me to get out of the marriage otherwise I would become as sick as my husband. After going through dissolving the marriage I faced myself in the mirror one morning saying, “ Wecome back, you have been missed!”

This. They’re so draining and whoa is me…. It’ll never work bc you’re the only one putting forth effort. I’m slowly pulling away , and basically quiet quitting. When my home is ready they’ll be seeing a lot less of me. & hearing a lot less from me. I’ll always love and care about them , but I have to reclaim my life & energy back. It’s been chaos and confusion for nearly two years & I am tired 🥱

My work environment is as nasty as can be. On the Eclipse day last week I got chastised for enjoying the moment. My work environment is a family operation and they are ALL into conspiracy theories and stuff. Anything real I purpose for a discussion is downsized to the minimal. I will have to find somewhere else to work, My health is at stake !

Leave before they wish (discard) you into the cornfield.

Thank you for posting this video. Ive been married to one for 25years. I just realized in the last couple weeks that this is not normal. Such a great great video. This answered so many questions i have

I gave in so much that I decided to quietly leave with my hand over my heart. I was completely exhausted by the time I reached the point of leaving.

I hate grey-rocking! Thanks, Dr Ramani...you finally said it. Love your videos. You are a wonderful soul