Thank you! I don’t think I ever consciously thought “I’m a boy” or “my body is *wrong*” exactly, but like you said I’ve always had, to state it basically as possible, a huge sense of disconnect from my body from a young age. I suppose it just took me this long to really pinpoint its cause and what it meant. Thank you again for letting me know I’m not alone in that. ❤️ Much love!

This is really good to know. I've felt like I'm in a minority within the trans community because of my lack of a childhood narrative. However my current experiences are so strong, and the changes I've made feel so right (even as there's still huge anxiety around presentation), I really don't see my childhood experience as an issue. But for a while it bothered me. I do see now, looking back, so many ways I was uncomfortable and unhappy, and felt broken as a boy, trying to be a boy, whatever that meant. Being raised in a strict Catholic upbringing, in a highly dysfunctional family, I really had no chance to examine my feelings about gender, and as you say, no language for it either. I'm learning to understand and accept the child I was, but all of this is a journey and a process. Thank you Dr Z for posting this.

For me, when I first came out, I had some childhood experiences but not many and I was scared that maybe I wasn’t trans and there would be gatekeeping. However after having socially transitioned for months, those childhood memories are popping up more and more to the point now where i feel like an idiot for not having noticed sooner. I’m fairly certain that all of these feelings and memories were just suppressed

I was one of those kids who did go into my mother's closet at age 4. My mother yelled at me and went underground from there. Came out at age 45

I'm autistic and when I was 6 accidently cut my lip trying to shave my 'moustache' like my dad. He just laughed at me and told me I was a girl and I'm not going to get a moustache and I was heartbroken and angry for years about the idea of not growing into a man. Eventually I accepted that I was female as I felt I had no choice. Now I'm away from my parents the dysphoria is worse than ever, I've had a buzzcut and really want to wear masculine clothes. I'm struggling to work out if I'm a transman, non binary or just thinking I had dysphoria when I was just an autistic kid who maybe misread gender, because I think if I was a trans man I wouldn't have accepted being a female. Does this sound like dysphoria or am I making a mountain out of nothing?

I would have needed this video years ago. One of the main reasons I was in denial for years is that I didn't have any childhood memories, and for so long I thought that was a requierement. Thank you so much on behalf of everyone who is now in the position I was in back then.

I had no understanding of what I was feeling when I was little. I’m now in my mid 20s and am finally understanding my gender dysphoria etc. It took until now for me to have this education and awareness of what being transgender is to be able to look back on parts of my childhood that I can remember that were related to my gender not aligning with my body. Great video!!! I cant thank you enough for putting this information out ❤️❤️

For me at the moment it feels more like it's about who I'm happy being, rather than connecting with some truth that has always existed throughout my life. Like when I paint my nails, sit down to piss, have people treat me like a woman or non-binary person rather than as a man, or have people comment on me not really being like a man, that gives me great joy. I have never experienced what I understand to be gender dysphoria, but I am pretty sure I get what I've heard called gender euphoria when people treat me as something other than a man. I was pretty depressed throughout most of my life, in which I've been trying to fit in as a man/boy, but I have never connected that to gender directly - I used to think that I was just a failed man. I went to very patriarchal all-boys schools from 8-18; Im now 25 and before and after that the vast majority of my friends have been female. Over the past year or two I have been living more and more outside of the traditions of masculinity and have found that making me happier and happier. I still don't feel like I have experienced "dysphoria" as such, but I know that living less like a man has made me feel and act better, with more honesty and more confidence. I often wonder if I "should" have experienced dysphoria in order to claim to be non-binary or a transwoman (still figuring that out...), but I know that living this way is better for me. If anyone reading relates to this i'd love to know!!

This was very helpful for me. I identify as an effeminate man, so I was never bothered by some things that other trans men hated. I have childhood experiences but not at the intensity of others

The repercussions of my “transgender awareness”, although such terminology did not yet exist, were dire and affected my relationships to all the male family members negatively. The final nail in my gender coffin in which I have existed was being caught dressed at 15 in 1972. The real threat of institutionalization and treatment using electroshock were on the table for my deviancy. Only now at sixty plus do I have enough distance from that to begin at least my internal transition and start adopting a much more feminine social exposure. As to therapy and medical intervention? I feel the growing pressure there but am committed to a gradual transition using HRT and a single surgery to stop T formation and eliminate my worst dysphoria. Just owning this and beginning to live it has so improved my life I cannot imagine not going forward now. As this likely demonstrates I have few resources to openly talk about such issues so this is largely a DIY transition

This was one of the most frustrating things for me when I was questioning my identity. I have a vivid memory of my childhood going back to when I was a couple days old (which sounds unusual, but it can happen in rare instances) and I couldn't for the life of me recall any childhood signs of gender diversity. That only cemented in my mind the belief that I knew myself too well to start questioning everything so late in life. I'd seen countless videos and testimonials from LGBTQ+ folk claiming they'd "always known" or were "born this way" which led me to assume I was delusional. The irony is that it wasn't until I finally accepted my nonbinary identity, based on other evidence, that I started to see signs in retrospect. I grew up at a time when very little was known about transgender issues, and my school certainly wasn't going to teach it. The language, tools, and information simply did not exist, so there would have been no way for me to put words to what I was going through. I had known from a young age that I had depression and chronic pain. I was always socially isolated and found it difficult to form any relationships. I did have body image issues, but I assumed those were dysmorphia related to depression. In fact, nearly all of my bad experiences ended up being attributed to the depression, which completely overshadowed anything else that might have been going on. However, it didn't occur to me to ask myself, what if the depression is a manifestation of something else?

Oh I had a strong sense of awareness of being a female in a male body when I was a child! What happened in my case was that I actually repressed these experiences and it's taken me 'psychoanalysing' myself to bring back these memories and I was blown away! It made me realise how much of a girl I've always been!!!

Thank you for this clarification! In retrospect, there were a few things, that I experienced when I was younger, that pointed to me being transgender, but family and societal shame probably caused me to push this deep down in myself. My awareness grew slowly over time. This "early age" narrative made it so difficult for me during my questioning phase. If I had the knowledge from this video then, it probably would have made my process a whole lot easier. Thank you, so much, for sharing!

Thank you so much for this!! I keep having doubts about my gender because overall I was a pretty feminine child. It was only when puberty hit that I ever really questioned how comfortable I am with my gender and how my body was changing. This led me to coming out as trans at 15 but then regressing shortly after due to doubt. I'm now 19 and I've finally come to a place where now Im able to come out again after a few years of self reflection.

Thank you for this, I have a terrible time with denial and one of the things I use to try convince myself I'm not trans is that I didn't know I wanted to be male for certain when I was a kid so it's nice to know for sure that that's irrelevant.

When I realized that there was probably something going on with my gender I was 22 and learnt that being trans doesn't mean being a walking cliché of "the opposite gender" and later had that kind of click in my head when I (more or less) accidently stumbled upon the term non-binary. I start realizing more and more that there were signs in my childhood and puberty (signs for me not being a girl but also quite a lot for me not being a boy) but I kind of ignored them or misinterpreted them and besides had to struggle with a whole lot of other issues. My father often told me to not complain and how life also means suffering and how I just have to try harder and I guess that I soon came to the conclusion that I just had to grow older and become an adult and arrange myself with my feminity. I had/have extremely overprotective parents who had a hard time letting me go my own way and I only got to explore my identity as a whole when I moved away.

I did have the childhood experiences from an early age, but I super loved the way you said, "So what?!?" in reference to those who didn't. To me the way you said that just screamed inclusion and validation of those who didn't! 😊

So I have a big sister and a big brother. I always connected more with my sister, we shared toys and played together, so in that regard I didn't feel restricted. Later on I wasn't able to decide on my own clothes, bc we were poor I always got clothes from other people and had to wear them. that was frustrating for me but I can't say that it was gender dysphoria. For me it started with puberty when this gender role of a boy or man was forced on me more and more, especially in school. People often called me gay or made fun of my long hair, tried to insult me with calling me girly. Together with my sister I knew it was just some bully bs and didn't give in, but I didn't realize that I actually feel more comfortable as a girl. I just thought I had to try harder to be a real boy :S

This! It's quite hard to validate your feelings when social media is full of lucky trans people who always knew. I'm getting close to 40 and only lately realised why I have so much discomfort in my body. Now when I look back at my life, there are so many things that just make sense now! I know I'm trans but I don't know yet how far I want to take it. The next few months and years are going to be interesting either way!!

This is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you 💚

Like so many of the topics you share with us .i loved this one and especially so.. Early childhood memories were a difficult part of the equation for me. I took a long tome and lots of healing for them to come out , to be recognized.. There was so much I had repressed.. I came out at 55, Late in life and your right .. Back as a child the words weren't there to speak of and neither the openness and acceptance to explore them openly.. Those that did were really put through such emotional stress.. I just couldn't do it then and so hid.. I understand my lack of memories better today.. I wasn't allowed to just be me for a million reasons and I went under ground with them, So not in a good way.. I associated such pain in those memories and repressed them in many ways.. Three years of counselling and working at sharing them , getting them out went a long way to helping me with them.. I can say that I have come to peaceful place with them and that through that I have openned up in ways to remember.. The memories kind of needed to be looked at from a new perspective.. Time and willingness has helped with that.. My experiences was that those memories were kind of hidden under many layers of grief, shame and denial, under the weight of what society wanted me to be in order to fit the views of the day.. I am okey with it all now.. I am just grateful I could find that inner child and help her to heal.. I needed that.. I know it may be different for each of us but that is how it's bin for me.. Thanks so much for bringing up this particular topic.. Few really seem to understand this aspect of what it means to be Trans then and now.. Your topics are so wide ranging Sis.. They feel sometimes like a treasure being unboxed..LOL At least Thats how I feel them.. Just talking about them opens up so much to each of us and in our own circumstances Helps us..

Incredibly insightful and beautifully said!

I just discovered this channel and just every single video you make makes me feel so valid as an individual and thank you for that. I look forward to future videos. It wasn’t until I was 19 and my friend asked me as trans that I even considered it. I knew it was a thing, but I couldn’t connect my feelings of gender expression and overall discomfort in my body to being trans. I just thought that I was a person who was just always uncomfortable. It’s really weird to never even see it and then look back and see the signs. Like 12 year old me watching transition videos and the fact I always saw myself as masculine. There are no big blinking signs, but a bunch of little ones. This maybe for someone people point to being a butch lesbian, but for me personally, I’m most comfortable with myself when I think of myself as male.

Thank you so much for posting this. I've been struggling with feeling gaslit about not conforming to the clear sense of dissonance as a child.

Thank you for the video! I am glad to understand more! Especially for letting me see that there are lots of others who do have the memory and narrative and doesn't mean something is wrong with me either. We all come to the realization in our own time and our own way I think!

Thank you. So. Flipping. Much. In my past I have pretended at things that made me happy, only for them to be lies. Since June 12th, I've been scared that I'm lying about this one too! No childhood memories (Well, a couple, but they were so few and far between that I brushed 'em off) so I was scared to death that this new happy was temporary. Still a little anxious, mind, but nowhere near as much. Thank you. You're a lifesaver!

thank you so much this alleviated my fears around not having the early childhood manifestations

I think about this so much because I don’t have clear memories of knowing I was a girl, but then again, I do t have many memories about anything other than feeling incredibly depressed as an only child stuck in special ed for years, being socially isolated, etc. I think if I hadn’t been more miserable for other more immediate reasons, I would have been miserable specifically about my gender issues. I think they were there-but my childhood was messed up in so many other ways and those are the things I really remember

This video really helped me. I keep doubting whether or not I'm trans, or just subconsciously faking it. I keep feeling like I'm "not trans enough" or something, and that makes me sad. But your videos really, really help me, and I'm on a path to figuring out who I am now, thanks to you.

So thankful to watch this video. I don't really have a child dysphoria story. I remember moments when I sampled a different gender expression but had a strong "conforming" bent. I recall growing my hair and experimenting with my male appearance through hair cuts and clothing style but not really identifying as female. Now decades later having had an "aha" moment all this questioning has arisen in me about "Am I imagining it?", "Am I willing to make the change?", "Is it just a way out of currently unhappy situations?" Deep down I feel more liberated looking to the future as a trans woman, but I've struggled with this idea of not having a long historic story of feeling "different/wrong" in a male body.

I'm glad you talk about this because far too many people seem to think there's only one 'right' way to be trans. For myself, I have very few childhood memories about incongruity between my birth sex and gender. I truly do think this had a lot to do with my upbringing. Gender stereotypes simply weren't strong in the way I was raised. I was allowed to do what I liked, sometimes it was traditionally male toys and activities, sometimes they were traditionally female. Even when I went to school, I didn't feel I was different and continued doing both. For me, it was when I went to secondary (high) school that I started feeling I was different. I simply couldn't relate to the boys that I was always pushed towards and I also didn't quite fit with the girls because of my sex. Did that make me trans? No, but it was the first indication that I had trouble fitting into societies "norms". With puberty I realised I was attracted to men and in my own head being gay explained most if not all of my differences. It wasn't until I was about 19 before I realised it was more than that, and I had many, many bad years thereafter struggling to come to terms with it. I had social anxiety, I was "performing" my birth gender, I would get burnt out from acting and go into deep depression and withdrawal from society. I literally couldn't function. Nobody knew the real me and my life became meaningless, hollow and empty because my life was fake. So, yes I had 'clues' from when I was younger and pushed to do things stereotypical, but it didn't occur until adolescence, where I conflated it with being gay. I was never told I couldn't do more traditionally feminine things as a younger child, or play with the girls and so when I did, they didn't stick in my psyche. I most certainly did "feminine" things, but I don't see them as an indicator in and off themselves of someone being trans. I'm thankful for this, because I have a more liberal view of gender, but that did mean it took much longer for me to realise I wasn't living how I needed.

That was very reassuring.It took me a long time to become aware of my gender identity. I always felt discomfort,i just never took full awareness of it.

this was INCREDIBLY helpful. i cannot express how much this has helped me. i’ve only recently realized that something is off with my gender (assigned female at birth/AFAB) and when i started looking into it i was bombarded by the childhood narrative stories, and i immediately began to doubt my “story”. i saw people being told that they cannot be trans if they didn’t know earlier on or when puberty had just started for them. I’m currently mid-puberty and have recently become terrified of having my female body completely develop. Ik my chest is not done developing and it terrifies me, especially because i fear my nipples getting too large for top surgery to look right, even though im aware they rearrange the nipple anyways lol. i really, really, REALLY dont like my chest, or at least the size of it, so much so that i cannot imagine not AT LEAST getting a breast reduction surgery, if not completely doing a complete masculinization top surgery. I don’t remember wanting to be a boy in my super early years (what i would consider ~3-8) but i do remember the end of elementary, when puberty was just starting for me, secretly playing as a boy on the game Roblox. I felt so guilty about this (not because i knew at this point that I was a boy and knew i had dysphoria, but I was just afraid of people finding me pretending to be a boy, for whatever reason. i never allowed myself to look into this fear because i was so busy trying to fit in.) and did it in secret for several years (about from about 10-14 years of age, off and on because i felt so guilty about it, but always came back to it because it genuinely made me so happy to be a boy, even if it wasn’t real. whenever i went thru “withdrawl” periods i would try to completely get rid of the memory that i had done these things (they werent even bad things i just felt bad for lying that i was a boy) and suppressing it as much as a could, but i couldn’t forget the serotonin it gave me (obviously, i kept going back to it like a drug)). When Dr. Z mentioned (in a different video) that if you want to FEEL or BE the opposite gender and “if you could choose, what gender would you wake up tomorrow as?” REALLY struck me with how easy they were for me to answer. I have no doubts that i would choose to wake up a boy and that i REALLY REALLY REALLY!!! want to BE a boy. Thank you so very much Dr. Z, you have been the most helpful for me to feel valid. Thank you so much for talking about the gatekeeping, I had no idea it had caused this whole cultural effect. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Hi Dr. Z, Great video as always! There is a phenomenon I have seen a few times and am not sure what to make of it. I have said this before but for context - I knew I was really a girl before the age of three and chose to hid. I was never in denial and I hid for decades ... until I couldn't anymore. Of course I know other trans people - men, women, and nonbinary. With a few of the trans women around 50 and older, there was a common theme - after a lifetime of depression, suicide attempts, anger issues, and drug and alcohol abuse, they figured out they were trans. My life was full of dysphoria, depression, anxiety attacks, self-loathing, and suicidal ideations (but no attemps). I also didn't abuse drugs or alcohol. Over the course of about six weeks to two months of conversations, their life stories began to change. In that period of time, their life stories morphed into a mirror image of mine in every aspect that relates to being trans, including not abusing drugs and alcohol. I wore a mask for a very long time and I knew it was a mask - until I just couldn't do it any longer and lost everything. These trans women, on the other hand, seemed to have fashioned new masks based on my unmasked true self. I stopped hiding and they seem to have picked up a new way to hide. I am mot quite sure what to make of it ...

You are an amazing person!!!

thank u for these videos im in a questioning phase rn n it’s so hard to believe myself,, u making this process a lot easier for me 💙

Being from a Czechoslovakia, and having to move all the way here when I was just 10 years old I don’t really remember a whole lot of my early childhood, and besides back then it would have been put in check immediately, now that I’m in my mid 40’s I definitely feel GD quite a bit. Thank you for another great and informative video Dr. Z.

Thank you so much for this video! I've really been struggling with the idea of not being trans enough but you described my exact situation. My family always let me express myself freely and I didn't have the language until I was 17. This makes me feel so much better about my experience as a trans person :)

Dr. Z, This is one of your best videos. As someone who's family didn't have strict gender roles but lived in a community that did the contrast you describe was very clear. I actually had no sence of incongruities until it became necessary for my family to force me into compliance with the community's standards of gender roles. Prior to that I was just free to be me and had no clue my interests were unusual at all. Had the community been less sexist I could have easily entered puberty or even adulthood without any discomfort. As is my biggest discomfort is not with my incongruities, I actually find great value in them. My biggest challenge is managing resentment against society's intolerance of my existence. Dysphoria all but disappears when I am with friends who value me for my unique insights and disregard for gender norms. They accept me for my character rather than the package (ie: body) I am in. Not everyone is so lucky but I doubt the fault is in them.

Thank you Dr Z, great video. I identify so much! I only had the knowledge and words for this at 40 years old. I blocked out my experiences and feelings as a child.

Wonderfully said as always 😉 and a very interesting topic. I thought that everyone had childhood experiences similar to my own but to find out that dysphoria can begin at any age in life? Thats amazing! My own memory goes back to age 7 but apparently I'm not remembering everything, according to my mother. ❤❤❤

No real childhood native. Except feeling an affinity towards women with a masculine aspect to their outward appearance . Only when puberty hit did i become aware of my body for the first time , down hill after that ❤mina

Thanks so much Dr. Z for this video. It is just what I needed at the moment. For me, I am not sure what I experienced in terms of gender dysphoria as I child. After reading so much on line about early childhood experiences, I am nonetheless compelled to search in my early childhood for signs I am trans because somehow this will convince me I really am trans. The only thing I can come up is as born a cis-male I have recollections of always wanting to be a girl. I was curious about what girls did and wondered why I did not do those things. It was not so much I wanted to do them, more like why I am not doing them and rather why am I doing the things I was doing as a boy. I am 69 years old now and gender and sex were not topics that were ever discussed in our household as I grew up. All I can remember is my father saying he did not want me to play with dolls when I started to want military play figures. But, I wondered all along what it was like to wear girls and women's clothes even though it was not until I was past 40 that I started to explore that. After a period of cross dressing I realized I wanted to be a woman with all the physical and sexual characteristics associated with womanhood. Unfortunately, even then I could not find the mindset to accept I am trans. Instead I got married for the first time at age 50 and pursued my career. Then a few months ago it hit me. A gender crisis - the dam broke. I had been in therapy over the years for many issues, but only now did I seek out a gender therapist. I started HRT just about four months ago and am happy I am becoming my authentic self. My difficulties now are being trans and having a wife and friends who see me as male. Also, since I have what is a checkered path to accepting my trans genderism, doubts creep in. Listening to your videos helps me so much with coming to terms with myself as a trans person. Sorry for the long comment. You are the best!

I too hardly remember my childhood. Or my puberty for that matter... My parents weren’t big on gender roles (my mother was the main breadwinner and my dad was working from home a lot, so he was assuming the parent at home position), as for my puberty, my parents had thoroughly educated me about what would happen to my body, so when the time came, I wasn’t excited about it but I was ready... But it doesn’t change the fact that I am uncomfortable with having breasts and a uterus, or that if I were to wake up as a man I’d be perfectly happy, or that my whole life I’ve told myself that being a dude would be hella nice, but I’d be gay af and being a cis straight woman is probably easier than being a trans gay dude... 😥 I’ve been watching a lot of Finn the Infinncible, and one thing he said that felt very validating to me was how nice it was to finally have a body that all of it is ok for a partner to engage with, as opposed to one where this and that area are uncomfortable... People’s reaction to Trisha Paytas questioning their identity was very rough to watch, because everybody made it sound like if you’re even questioning it you’re not valid, like “when you know you know” typa thing, and the childhood narrative comes up all the time, like a necessary thing... Thank you so much for making this video!

Thank you for your videos. You are helping me to see that I have always been a transperson, since I was at least 10 years old. (For a variety of reasons, I do not remember many things from before I was 10 years old.) But I have always been socialized as a male person and have assimilated as a "normal" male person. It has always been uncomfortable. And depressing. Your videos are encouraging me to consider a change. These days I almost always go out cross-dressed. There are two places I always go dressed (mostly) as a male. (1) My garage mechanic. I figure a man will get better service. (2) My doctors. I hear tales of transwomen being treated poorly by doctors. In 2016 & 2019 I was in the hospital. Both times the medical staff commented on my professional nail polish. Anyone that looked carefully would realize most my clothing is women's clothing. (One medical person commented on the pretty blue hearts printed on the inside pockets of my women's stretch jeans.) But all the doctors here in Staten Island & NYC have been OK. I wear a wig, dresses, women's shoes & women's coat most of the time. No one perceives me as "a woman." But I don't care as long as they are polite. I am still being the person I want to be. The COVID Pandemic has made things more difficult. I am struggling with money. And weight. I don't go out or exercise much. I don't feel very "empowered" to do something great like pursue real transition . I am trying other changes and struggling to do those. I wish there were some kind of Zoom support group(s ) I could join to help encourage me. 25 years ago I attended group psychotherapy with Dr. Albert Ellis, Phd, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT.) It was very helpful. Changed my life. (But discouraged me from going trans.) I wish I could find some sort of support group today. One of the good things about REBT was that it didn't focus on what happened to you when you were 6 years old. (Ellis use to say, "Get over it or you'll be a basket case for the rest of your life!") Instead REBT focused on: What is going on in your life today? What can you do now to make your life better today? What can you do, even something small, this week? Try doing that for a week and come back next week and tell us how it worked out. I made real, positive, changes in my life. Thank you for your videos. Maybe you should do a video on where a person can get affordable, online, support today, during the Great Pandemic.

Dr Z I just wanna chime in that your look is awesome. Thanks for the vids super helpful. :)

Thank you Dr. Z for your valuable insight. When my gender dysphoria came to crisis a couple years ago and I started psych therapy, I was troubled that I did not have memory of gender identity confusion as a child. Through therapy I was able to remember and then disclose for the first time about a very painful public humiliation event of "aversion therapy" at my catholic school 3rd grade. In 3rd grade, I was a gentle, vulnerable, obedient, beautiful little boy who preferred to play with girls at recess. One day after recess, the teacher called me to the front of my class. She said that since I want to play with girls, I must wear a girl's uniform skirt and jumper, and she hung the girl uniform on me. My 50 classmates were encouraged to howl with laughter! At that moment I resolved to never be girly again. I never told anyone of this abusive and painful trauma, not even my parents. The first time I spoke of the event was in therapy in my late 60s. So yes, at that point I had childhood memories. Thank you Dr. Z.

All I have pre age 44 is some vague memories of feeling distressed and confused about my gender at age 14, which I somehow buried because of the social expectations I had to conform to, back then. I spent 18 months questioning and gender non conforming before taking the next steps, which have been huge. They were immensely disruptive and stressful for me but I feel I am finally finding inner peace which is so precious to me right now. I really had to trust my instinct on this one. The only advice I can give is it is definitely not about expression or gender stereotypes; it was about dearly wishing to be "somewhere in the neighbourhood" (the best way I can put it) of being a woman in the context of the society I will live and die in, and definitely not a man.

I needed this so much. I never thought I could be trans because I thought it was something I was always supposed to be aware of. I'm 24 now and only just realising that I need to see a professional about this. Thank you so much

oh wow, I needed to hear this so bad. I had so much self doubt because I only started struggling when i hit the age of 12 when puberty happened. My parents raised me extremely gender neutral, not like using they/them for me but I was completely free to ask and wear whatever I wanted. So I kept using that as an excuse for why "I'm not trans" but the dysphoria stayed and I thought it was something else. This video helped so much.

This is new to me. I have many memories of dysphoria during my childhood, but it doesn't stop me from failing to accept myself. Every now and then I would go back and try and see if I can live somewhat comfortably as cis because in some ways I'm grieving not being able to have an accepted life. But I've never been able to successfully find fulfillment as cis up to this day. Thank you for your videos btw, it's very helpful to me living in a country where gender therapy is not readily available or economic for me right now. I can imagine they help so many others too.

Thanks for this, it's something that I've struggled with, because my dysphoria really only started with puberty, and I've often worried that it means that I'm not really trans. So this was a really helpful video.

this is the first time I watch a video like this... this is so important to me

Thank you so much for reminding me, that my experience is valid. I have struggled with my own gender-identity since almost a year now and I still don´t fully know whats going on. Thank you for your advise, I don´t really feel like I want to get medical treatment atm and want to get more into the way on how I express myself. It´s an ongoing journey so let´s see how it´s going to be in another year!

I kind of bless the internet in a way, because I don't think I could ever have parsed this without access to proper information beyond the "trapped in the wrong body" narrative. Because I didn't know, and probably wouldn't have figured it out as early as I did without it. Admittedly my dysphoria is relatively mangeable, and I'm still only 25, so I could probably have gone a lot longer like this had I never known. Didn't have the "childhood experience" for sure. Everyone told me I was a boy, I looked like one, so I believed them. It's really during the early stage of puberty that things started going downhill quickly. I've suffered a litany of mental health issues (depression, anxiety, dissociation) since I was about 12 for no apparent reason. I felt wrong somehow, broken, disconnected, hopeless. I knew something was wrong with me but could never put my finger on it, and eventually just learned to accept that as some sort of background portion of my life. Accepted that I'd probably never be truly happy and started living life one day after another, on autopilot. At the same time I felt jealous of girls, and found myself wishing I could have been one every so often. I was disappointed I wouldn't be going through female puberty. I told myself that if I had the opportunity to be reborn, I would be one. I was jealous of their clothes, their bodies, their lives. I was always able to cast all that back and forget about it, rationalizing it with phrases such as "oh well, I was born a boy" or just plainly thinking it was simple curiosity. I always considered myself a boy. I just fantasized about being a girl a bit more than I was perhaps willing to admit. But I didn't dare to call myself trans, and didn't even consider I might be so. When I started questioning my gender ID, it was through ressources such as reddit that I eventually learned to recognize that what I had been experiencing wasn't exactly unique to me, and that got me thinking really hard about my gender ID, whereas I probably would have shut that line of thinking down pretty quickly and repressed for a couple more years otherwise.

I don't have that childhood narrative. I can't remember any signs before the age of 12-13 and even at that age I wasn't aware that I was or would become a transgender person. I also believe that many trans people regurgitate the standard narrative to protect themselves, to avoid the risk of being denied medical care and to reduce the risk of bad social consequences. I don't blame them for doing so because they're just protecting themselves from harm but I also don't like it because it feeds people with inaccurate information about transgender people and reinforces harmful stereotypes (I consider the "perfect trans" stereotype to be harmful because it makes people feel invalid by comparison AND it incites some people so invalidate trans people who are totally valid just because they don't fit the "perfect trans" stereotype). I certainly considered using the standard narrative when I first reached a gender therapist to get a letter of recommendation because I was extremely aware of gatekeeping and feared being a victim. In the end I decided to not do that because I was able to find a gender therapist who advertised herself as being trans positive in a clear and convincing way. I've been 100% honest with her and decided, for example, to not hide the sexual aspects of my experience (which meant taking the risk of being wrongly labelled as not a true transgender person but just a "sissy", crossdresser or autogy-im-not-gonna-finish-that-word) and to not pretend that I always knew that I was a girl. Now she can guide me and me give advices based on knowledge about my true experience. The risk that I took paid off.

I'm 36, and only in the last 7ish years have I begun to realize I have gender dysphoria. While I can remember some things and events that make me realize "oh! I have had these feeling from when I was very young", I didn't have this "I've always known I was female from when I was a child" experience. My earliest memories of wishing I was born female wasn't until I was a teenager, but I didn't know it was even an option to live my life female even though I was born male, until my twenty's. I also didn't know that's what I actually want until really very recently. Some of this might be from growing up in the very conservative (and often religious) south, but some of me (and my parents) not knowing might be from the fact that my interests and feelings from my childhood would have been more aligned with what we call a "tomboy" for a cis-gender female. So the signs were subtle to begin with even for a trained eye, but growing up in the south in the late 80's and through the 90's, many of the signs were definitely missed (or dismissed, maybe even "corrected") by untrained, and likely un-accepting, eyes. So, No, one does not have to have the "known since I was 4" experience to know they have gender dysphoria.

For me i really mainly started questioning my gender last year in quarantine, being exposed to tiktok and chancing upon trans creators on youtube. Seeing that most of them do have a lot of childhood memories that were signs that they were trans etc, but me looking back I can't really remember much. I do remember the one time I got to finally swim topless as a child and maybe it means something that I could remember that and not other incidences etc. I also used to always wanna be the prince and hated dressing up unless it was for performances but that could also be a gay thing too. Now after having seen a few of your videos, I still have some doubt with what exactly is my gender identity but I do know that regardless of how it may turn out, I want to try being on testosterone because it would really alleviate my frustration with being torn between staying to a familiar identity whilst wanting to become more masculine, like even if it turns out that it may not be what's best at least I know after having tried. I also really want top surgery but I kinda wanna be more sure first whilst on T and seeing if it could already help with my top discomfort, instead of just chopping it off all at once, plus my family would be even less likely to agree to it. I've cut my hair, tried dressing more masculine, flattening my chest with sports bras and I really felt much more confident with myself and even more happy when people call me a guy, though then I get worried that they'll realise I'm not and stop calling me that. As of your videos about what dysphoria is, I don't think I really have such strong feelings of hate towards my body but it does make me euphoric when I'm called a boy. I don't know how that would stand when I actually try to get treatment but yeah. What do you think about not having dysphoria necessarily but being euphoric when recognised as the gender you wanted to present? @DrZ

i get flashes of gender related memories (getting sad when i started growing boobs, playing with both boys and girls as a kid and feeling slightly more at home with the boys, masculine interests etc) but my being non-binary definitely confuses things a lot since there’s lots of pressure to fit within that binary (i constantly ask whether im a trans guy in denial despite hating the idea of being a binary male)

Venting about how I think about myself. You can ignore this if you want, I don't want to disturb/enrage anyone. Nowadays, I am starting to question myself, "Am I really a transfem or should I just stick to being a boy?" I do like the idea of the female lifestyle for me, thing is, if I did, I don't know what to expect. Besides, am I simply confused or just desperate? I don't know who I am anymore, it all feels like my mind is trying to trick itself. Impostor Syndrome or not, I don't know what else to think. What I should really quote it as is just, "am I trans enough?" Then again, I am fine with being a male and whatnot, I've always been used to it for over 15 years of my life. I never felt really dysphoric in my childhood either, thinking that even if I felt a different way, it was impossible to change. So, am I simply a minority within a minority? Or, maybe I could be delusional with myself? Thing is, I just wish these thoughts about myself could stop. The more I question myself, the more closer I am to possibly outing my thoughts to my parents. And if I ever do tell my parents about this (I hopefully NEVER will), that most likely wouldn't end well considering my mom would burn me alive. (I'm not joking, she has actually burnt my wrists before in an act of "discipline.") Again, I'm really sorry for saying all this. I feel as if I'd rather just at least say SOMETHING rather than me breaking down and possibly becoming depressed again. If you are insulted for some reason or simply disturbed, I can understand that. Sometimes I do get disgusted of myself too, anyway!

Im still struggling trying to figure out if im a trans man or not, and i definitely dont have a clear cut memory of me feeling dysphoria. I have a few instances that COULD be interpreted as such, but that could also be simple projection and wishful thinking. This stressed me for a while because i also endured childhood trauma, so i can count the amount of memories i have of ages 0 to 14 with my fingers... Which means i have very limited memories to sort through and figure out any meaning from. I have to say im really thankful for you saying that we shouldn't compare ourselves too much to other's narratives. I find it hard to relate to many trans men's stories about how they found out they were trans, mostly because of their "i always knew it, ever since i was a little 5 year old" thing, and also because they don't represent the idea of a male that id want to be. Basically, ive been invalidating myself because my story doesn't match up with a bunch of youtube's stories, which in hindsight is silly. Not everyone is the same, so finding the same exact life long narrative ive gone through on a youtube video, from what is a minority of people anyway, is just... Unrealistic. Thank you so much for the video!

Just reading the title of this got me to thinking. I can't really remember my past when I was a man, except for the traumatic and overjoyed moments. But I can remember most everything from after I started transitioning til now. I can remember generalized things, like I loved scifi, loved having my cousin sarah do my hair, loved to skate. But i dont remember any specific moments like that 😞

Thank you Doctor Z you're so smart it's all these great people and their comment are very helpful with that I have to say the most worst time in my whole life puberty driving home on the school bus with the things coming out of the I remember getting off the bus running home hiding in my room until it stopped Atlas 1966 nobody know anyting at 14 my hiding spot where all my clothes were was found my mom went nuts blaming herself it was 1972 so I ran away got picked up hitchhiking knocked out thrown in a cage rape beat up went on for days I escaped I go home nobody cared I'm now 61 and I'm finding myself God bless you all and love will see us through I pray this never happens to anyone ever again is good to see the times you changed

That is why I love my doctor. They did not require me to see a therapist to get HRT. No one should be able to decide how a person feels inside and then determine if they should get HRT or not. No wonder why my Trans Family has such a high suicide rate.

Ohhhh, nevermind my last comment, I found the video! Haha thanks!!

I'd say I didn't really have any childhood signs but not only did i have one of the signs you listed (not wanting to get my hair cut) but I also wanted to join the girl scouts as a kid (i told myself it was just to sell the cookies) however I still didn't realize I was a girl until I was 19 so I guess what I'm saying is sometimes you may have childhood signs even if you think you don't

Oh my God, this is so helpful, I've been feeling like an impostor for a while...

My jaw dropped, literally, at about 3:00. Thanks for the explanation.

This was me. Recently I've remembered more of my childhood than I ever have. But I had a lot of other psychological struggles starting from 11 to 12 years old, interesting enough I started menstruating that time, up until my early twenties. I have been fully aware of my gender for about 3 years. But there was an awareness even before that - it was just clouded by homophobic and transphobic environment. It's like I wasn't given a chance to explore this thing until my 20s. I'm glad I was able to move cities at 17 to actually become ok with my sexual orientation and later on gender.

Again great video

This video is very helpful to me, because I am struggling a lot to find out from what age I felt disconnected from the gender I was assigned at birth. The reason why I'm struggling so much is, because I have a very hard time accessing my memories from when I was a child/teenager and then I wonder, if that is because of dysphoria, that I experienced and just couldn't cope with, so I buried those feelings and thoughts. I'm still trying to make it clear to myself, that in a way, it doesn't matter, because I'm letting those thoughts in now and have been for some time. But even though I try really hard, I struggle a lot with invalidating and not accepting myself.

The idea that I had most people know from childhood was the argument used by those close to me as to why I am making up that I am trans. They still think I am using it as a coping mechanism. I have many memories of admiring women but not of being a woman. It was only several months ago that I felt that. Im 34.

I’m not sure if I ever experienced dysphoria as a kid but I always wondered what it would be like if I was born a girl. That’s something I’m realizing now, and it makes current feelings make better sense. Today I wore some makeup, and while it wasn’t the best application, my eyes looked so feminine and it felt really affirming to see them that way. I’m now asking people to use she/her pronouns, which feels great too.

Thanks for this video, it was very reassuring. Anyway, for anyone who wants to know, I started questioning my gender this year. I am 26 going on 27 and I don't have a childhood narrative. Am I trans? I dunno, but that's why I'm experimenting. If you're questioning your gender, I send my support your way.

I started exploring gender roles when I was a kid. I don't really remember what age but I remember dressing up in my aunts or mom's clothes. I liked wearing feminine clothes but I only did this in private. During the time I couldn't put into words what I was experiencing.

My entire childhood I thought that I hated the way I looked because I thought I was ugly. I didn't like the way I looked, therefore I was ugly, what else could it be? Pictures of myself made me feel horrible and I have distinct memories of pre pubescent me standing in front of my mirror trying to figure out what I thought was ugly. It wasn't until I was about 15 that I figured out that I was trans.

Growing up with very strict, religious southern parents that were not only homophobia and transphobic but also abusive, it was hard to express myself any way I wanted. I never had a dawning upon me as a child that I may not be a girl, because that's the role I was to play whether I liked it or not. I was born with what I have, and I couldn't change it. I didn't know people dated other men and women until I was in 7th grade (this is just to show how sheltered my parents made me.) I had the period talk and puberty and all that when I was like nine, and I dreaded it. I never knew why but I hated it. After I started and my chest developed, I began to hate my body more. My chest was too big. I'd tell my family I wanted a reduction, I couldn't handle it. They laughed it off and told me I'd grow into them. (That didn't happen, and now I'm stuck with a massive chest and I hate it so much.) I was obsessed with being one of the boys, being stronger, faster, and having abs. My parents forbade it, but of course that didn't stop me. As I grew older I grew into the mold they made me and never thought twice about it, until I told one of my transmasc friends about my feelings and said it sounded an awful lot like what he feels. So of course just to test it out I bought a binder, and started wearing more masculine clothes, started researching and checking things out and found that I'm incredibly more comfortable and relaxed when binding. My hatred for my chest grew now that I'm out of the toxic household. I don't want to label myself as trans, due to probably not having dysphoria, or if I have it it maybe a rather mild case and shadowed by my upbringing. However, using He/Him pronouns, referring to myself as a man, or boy, dressing as one and using another name, it feels so much better than before. It feels right, like somehow I knew. which is weird, I'm 17 and I never questioned my gender up until this year. although im glad I did because I feel so much lighter and healthier now. like I found something thats been missing all my life. its terrifying but incredible, and your videos have been helping me make heads and tails of this sort of stuff, so thank you so much.

As I child I don’t remember thinking I was in the wrong body. But as soon as I could I would dress in “boy” clothing and played with their toys. Mainly played with boys on the street and I also use to go swimming with no top on until I couldn’t anymore. So I like that u mentioned kids show it in other ways. Im currently 35 and have started hormones. I don’t know if I have as bad as dysphoria as others have. But I just always feel I’d be more happy with a male appearance but I do question how I feel compared to others as some really hate the wrong pronouns etc where I somewhat get annoyed with pronouns in general if they r said to much (including names I use). But I want nothing more then to continue on this journey.

I recall wanting to be a girl in my childhood I hated puberty, but begrudgingly accepted it (under death threat)because of my family. I accepted my familys decision of me(it sucked). In adulthood, my dyshoria really flowered after my usmc time(even then my dysphoria kicked in, but i fought it), but denial kicked again, my dysphoria never really left me, until i took action in my early 40s. All over the map, like Dr.Z says.

Very helpful

I grew up pretty androgynous as my parents were never really into the whole girls do pink and dresses and boys do blue and trucks bs that mixed with my abandoment issues made me suppress all my childhood memories pretty fast and when puberty hit i was already alienated from myself and emotionally numb so it's hard trying to look for any form of dysphoria since i was a pretty happy child till the ages of 8-9 never really caring about what i wanted as long as others were happy. To me, wearing a dress wasn't about if I wanted to but more about my mom made this for me and she's happy im wearing it yk? I was never a priority to myself

Now that I think about it again, I though I didn't have any kind of experience when I was younger, but ..it starting with a strong discomfort about facial hair when it came up during early puberty. And during youth in general no connection to peers of my AGAB, but rather a connection to the schoolmates of my actualy gender. Even though I haven't been really aware of being trans until in my 30s, discomfort was there early.

Wow. It was the first time someone told me that. I am a non binary person and I didn't really have dramatic childhood experiences, ur not alone friend :3

This is going to be a bit long but I wanted to share some of my experience. I definitely don't have the childhood narrative. I tried so hard for a few years to wrack my brain for some sort of early sign but I couldn't really recognize anything except I remember feeling angry and "stuck" wearing a lot of the clothing that my mom would buy for me. I guess I've always felt this sense of discomfort and awkwardness with my expression, though i don't know if that had to do with gender at the time. I think I started experiencing dysphoria when I was around 17 years old except I didn't have the language for it. I just remember not feeling "right" on certain days. I would borrow my brother's shirts and felt more comfortable in them. I also started wearing boxers when I was 18 which was due to them being more comfortable, but in retrospect I'm thinking there was more to it. I remember I was obsessed with gender as a topic in general and with androgyny especially and it would make me feel so excited. I'm a painter and I'd paint androgynous/trans and drag queen looking figures without even knowing what trans was. I was also inexplicably drawn to trans artists and musicians etc, but it took me a long time to understand that they were trans. It's like I could understand the energy but my brain couldn't consciously register it. I also remember someone sending me an anonymous message one time on my Tumblr blog after posting a photo of myself and askinfg me if i was trans (in a derogatory way). It was supposed to be insulting but I remember kind of liking it though I had no idea why and I wasn't very conscious of liking it at the time. It was more subtle. Years later the dysphoria picked up as I became more aware of what the "not right" feeling was that I always had with clothing and hair and sometimes with parts of my body. My dysphoria now is more like this quiet hum in the background with occasional loud days and I haven't transitioned at all as I'm scared and still figuring myself out.

Now I feel better 💕

I was teased as effeminate by other kids in grade school, but didn't experience any significant gender dysphoria until in middle school. I have been struggling with gender issues since that time. I regret not having a settled feminine persona and feminine relationships in childhood. In particular, I wish I had a positive mother/daughter relationship with my mother, even though our mother/son relationship was good. I'm always happy to read about mothers and their transgender daughters now, and fondly imagine how my life could have been different. Sometimes I script my thoughts about my childhood to match the way I wanted it to be. It gives me some peace of mind.

I know it is late but I am currently figuring out my gender. I know I'm in the trans umbrella but going back and forth between nonbinary and ftm. I didnt have time, energy or resources to think that I was anything but cis when I was younger. It took me meeting trans people to actually begin to understand myself and that's okay.

This is another thing im grappling with. Don't have this "always known" story. Like most of life's experiences once you're dealt a hand u just gotta play it out. So biology wasn't one of those things u question, u just were. I was born '81. Came across my first trans youtuber when I was 27 and I've wanted to transition ever since. I know i feel it's right for me but without the childhood backstory it seems like im doing it for some other reason that isn't "authentically trans" .

BTW: Sorry to use you as a kind of therapist. Truth is, I am lonely too, during the Great Pandemic.

I had some thoughts as a kid, and did some feminine things too. I just got yelled at so harshly in all those instances that by necessity I forced myself to stop out of fear. I was also too young to know what trans meant or that it was even possible outside of those negative portrayals I'd see on Springer, Maury and other things my parents watched.

This should be standard information involving anything trans. I had a pretty happy boyhood until I hit like 10ish. Then I slowly started to realise I really didn't want to be a man and do girly stuff. The lack of childhood experiences/being actually happy with myself as a boy was the reason for me to not do anything for decades. I couldn't be real trans, if I was I would have had to be an unhappy child, right? Well turns out that's not a requirement. I'm really annoyed I wasted decades because of that. As for the lack of childhood experience: My parents let me do whatever I liked so it's not like I could really miss out on anything. Meanwhile they weren't exactly walking gender stereotypes either. I guess I did feel annoyed about getting gender segregated sometimes. In hindsight that may have been a trans thing, back then I just saw it as annoying seperation. Why couldn't we all do the same stuff.

I'm autistic and oppositionally defiant, so I couldn't tell you one way or the other if the even remotely trans aligned behaviors were from such a reason or not. Most of my experiences are from my latter years. My PCP, which is an outreach clinic, is informed concent so I didn't even bother spinning a web and a tale to validate my decision.

im 30 and i dont have the classic childhood narrative, but im 90% sure that deep down im a woman. i really really want to transition. i havent seen a therapist yet but im going to as soon as i can.

The only thing in my childhood I can remember that indicated I had a stronger sense of being male or nonbinary than female was I liked playing with boys toys and video games and I rarely played with the girls toys I was given. But I still liked to play with some feminine toys sometimes, and I also had two brothers so I could only play with them if I played with the boys toys. But sometimes they played with the girls toys too, theyre both cisgendered. So to me reasons like this don't seem very reliable its hard to know whether its a early indication of a trans gender identity or not.

Hi Dr. Z. I'm wondering how childhood trauma/abuse leading to CPTSD in adulthood would apply re: the narrative. I know that my self-identity in general, including my gender identity, has been fragmented by CPTSD until just several years ago. And I'm 63, so I've lived the majority of my lifespan not even knowing who I really am, never mind my real gender. At least I know now! :)

I was lucky enough to have parents who didn't enforce gender norms. I was always allowed to wear what I wanted. If I wanted to wear a dress cool. If I wanted to wear baggy pants and a band tee, that was cool too. I played with bratz and monster trucks. But I never thought about my identity until this past year, and now identify as non-binary. It makes sense looking back at my childhood, but I never questioned myself before I was 28, finally finding the language to describe what I identify as.

I have a bit of a unique situation, a 11 months old I was burned and it lead to a very long recovery encompassing the bulk of my childhood. It also left me with C-PTSD. Along with it I was ridiculed for my scars and developed a negative self image, I never was given any psychological help and to add fuel to the fire was raised in a homophobic alcoholic family with a heavy handed extreme narcissist father. Any remotely feminine expression was literally beaten or ridiculed out of me. During the teen years when those feelings came stronger I associated the body hate with being scared and my other feelings I attributed to being inadequate. I went on to grow up to be the man that everyone expected and conditioned me to be. Then in my early twenty's cracks began to form and I started to come apart. Finlay after going to two different therapists I came to realize that the reason my emotions never worked right and the reason my body never felt right was gender dysphoria. Even now I carry a lot of doubt and shame and I am well into my 40's. So to anyone listing trust your feelings not what everyone tells you and get help as soon as possible.

Great video. For myself, I only figured out my gender identity out in middle age, but now understand and reinterpret symptoms from childhood. If it is valid and common for people to only notice and start suffering from gender dysphoria at an older age, does that mean that it is possible for gender dysphoria to just disappear without any corrective action?

When I was a kid, I'd always get very upset, almost depressed when I was made to get a haircut. As long as I can remember I wanted long hair. Ever since I found out boys could have long hair. For some reason I thought that was physically impossible for boys and I was always jealous of the girls for it. And then later I was very attracted to men who had it. That is the only experience I had like that. I actually had a conversation with my parents when I was young, I was wondering what the actaully difference between boys and girls was and they tried to explain and it didnt make so much sense. So what I took away from it was that girls had long hair. So I thought it was this innate feature of women. But I somehow thought I would get it and I'd get upset by haircuts because it would get longer and I'd like it then it being short was like... just uncomfortable. I would try to explain why to myself. Things like "there's nothing to frame my face" or "I don't feel like I really have hair" Then later puberty hit and the first thing that hit was sexuality. That wasn't hard for me, men were suddenly very attractive. Then I wanted to crossdress and I had no reason in mind to. I had a few thoughts like maybe it will be sexual. It wasn't sexual but I fixated on how much it made me look like a girl. And that felt right in every way, that thought made me really happy. Then later as puberty gave me lots of body hair that's when the weird feelings happened. I had a panic attack when I wanted to wear shorts only to find that showed off my very hairy legs. It distressed me. I think I was crying at the time, trying to shave because I wanted it off and got frustrated when the razor clogged quickly. Then I gave up only barely shaved. Then later I told my sister I was thinking about shaving my legs she says boys can't do that and that upset me alot more than I thought it would. Oh and the age where I noticed girls were getting breasts. I was jealous of that in a weird way. And I'm bisexual so I had this confusing conflict of attracted to it, and also wanting it. I think that's all the memories up untiil I really started tackling it in terms of gender recently. Basically I am the living recipe for gender confusion. Lmao

i started experiencing dysphoria when i started puberty, but when i was younger i did dress more feminine and i played with dolls. i didn't think about gender much at all except for making up stories of girls running away to the military and dressing and living as men... but now i feel like a guy