I read a quote once " People in therapy often ended up in therapy because of the people in their life that actually needed therapy" So true!

"Before you diagnose yourself with depresion or low self esteem make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes." - internet meme

Raise your hand if your done being manipulated 🙋‍♀️🙋🙋‍♂️🖐️

Something that really has helped me is this statement or mantra “IAM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHERS HAPPINESS “

I wish this was taught to teenagers. Young people need to know about this kind of thing as soon as possible

Pro tip: if you feel like most interactions with an individual make you feel involuntarily vulnerable, be sure they are subtly deconstructing your boundaries so they can control you and the relationship.

At 63, I've come to believe that I no longer need anyone, but choose those who also do not need anyone. The relationship is free of manipulation and moves on its own freedom. If a friend needs a hand, they just say it. If I can help, I do, if I can't, I don't. And these friends do not hold me hostage to their needs. Once they get help from their circle, we continue our relationship with grace and joy. That's what healthy boundaries do for a person. I also have Faith in a loving gracious God who is teaching me all I need to know to live life to its fullness.

It’s not just fear guilt or shame. It’s also empathy. They’ll test you to see if they should play person in distress to manipulate your desire to alleviate another’s suffering or to save them.

People will always be tempted to wipe their feet on anything with "welcome" written on it. - Andy Partridge

I met a new friend the other day and she was bossing me around telling me where to move my car etc. I finally had to say to her, "Thanks for your permission," and kind of laughed it off. She took it personally and I could see in her face she was like, whoa? Normally I wouldn't say anything but I did and I'm glad I did. 🧡

Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,

No communication is the best way to escape a narcissistic relationship. I had to learn this the hard way. If I gave him an inch he would take a mile. There are some narcissists that are so manipulative and crafty that even talking to them for a minute can be a huge mistake. I know it's hard because it has been hard for me it's really cutting them off completely!! 🙏💪 I understand the anxiety and separation anxiety because they have trained their victims to become codependent. It does take time to detox from a narcissistic relationship. I am in counseling myself! It's important that you have a counselor someone that can affirm you. I believe once you are aware of their evil tactics and the manipulation that opens your consciousness to be able to receive change..

My vulnerable narcissist almost ex husband found a book I was reading to educate myself on realizing if your being manipulated and controlled and I woke up one morning to him raging screaming at me that I was manipulating and controlling him. I asked how and he just screamed things that didn’t make sense. I was scared and feared him, his rage was scary I found myself crying and apologizing TO HIM…it’s messed up. I escaped from that marriage and the divorce is almost final. If you are going through this please get out IT WILL GET WORSE.

I always wondered why I felt so stuck. Why am I still living with my mom at 30yo?? Now I realize she was using fear, obligation, guilt, and shame in the guise of love to keep me shackled to her. It's a complete mind F. Now that I am in the process of moving out, the abuse and manipulation has become so much worse. Videos like these help me remember that it's NOT me and I'm not crazy lol

Thank you so much! I’ve been both the manipulator and the manipulated! Childhood wounds are at the core! I’ve been a people pleaser most of my life!

Omg the victim complex with narcs is unreal. He would treat me like shit then look for sympathy by making things about him. That is the biggest red flag i will not fall for that again. You explanied this so well, thank you!

My narcs favourite phrases when I raise an issue "Why are you blaming/ attacking me" "I don't want to argue" "I can't be listening to your anger" "I'm sorry for the bad things you think ive done " "I'm not the bad guy here, you did xxxxx" "You should let go of the past" "It's not all about you" "I'm sorry, happy now?!!" 🙄🙄🙄😓😓😓

They don’t take accountability on what they do doing others wrong wasting there time and acts like nothing ever happened cut someone off last year for this!

I have BPD, and I can relate to being manipulated in all three areas, AND manipulating others in all three areas. I will say this, I wasn’t really aware that I was very manipulative. I am beginning to understand why I react in certain ways, and also how it’s manipulative. I am growing and learning and being my highest self more and more every day ♥️

She finally gets to the point after 6:00

It's really not worth being in a relationship with this constant psychological abuse.....life is too short to put up with it. Enough enough ENOUGH

Omg!!!! I’m in tears!!!! You just don’t know how much this video blessed me this morning… I’m in a relationship with a Master Manipulator and I’m getting out!

This is so true , little digs .... I ignored , carried on happy , as I was ... the person kept coming... i smiled ....I walked away xx I feel better without the negatively, no one needs that . If you ever feel you mood going down around someone , that take it as a sign , they are not for you xx

Wow. Your last statement hit me like a ton of bricks. “If you are down, I can control you.” I need to get out of this hole.

This was so spot on. I’d like to share the one time I came up with a slap-down comment I made to my ex-Narc boyfriend. He used to love to make little biting comments to me to make me feel bad, fear/shame, etc., and I would always snap back from an unhealthy emotional stance. But, one morning he was looking at my face very closely in the morning light, and he said, “you’re starting to get a lot of little fine lines and wrinkles on your face. (I was about all of 25). For the first time, I remained calm and replied, “that’s OK, honey, because no matter how old I get, you’ll always be ten years older”. He was so ego-driven, and thought of himself as a Casanova, and he was just left speechless after I said that. Maybe it was a bit tactless, but it sure made me feel good. Yeah, I know, tit-for-tat, but it shut him up. He was always trying to make me feel insecure, so I thought it was fair. * I forgot to mention that after he made the remark about the lines and wrinkles on my face he added, “I might have to trade you in for a newer model one of these days.” That was especially biting and cruel.

Yes! My toxic family has used all 3 of these tactics. It's all about the narcissistic personality controlling the narrative of the story. I had to go no contact. These people will never change so I had to.

I usually get “I can’t do anything right for you “

I lived with a man that did all this to me during our 23 years together. It took me years of therapy to move on with my life without feeling crazy over all the evil done to me. But thank God today I'm free from all that. I'm filled with the Holy spirit now.

I've finally I've had enough of an emotional manipulator. My last straw was "look at yourself" after they start the emotional bullshit and you confront them with what they're saying or doing. The stay calm and make it as if they're the in control and haven't tried to plant an issue. They usually project something that you pick up on and when you question it, they start acting innocent! This person uses remaining g calm as a tactic to wind someone up and then when you question they reverse the behaviour onto you. I describe them as a chikd in an adults bidy. Very dangerous! They enjoy upsetting people because it gives them power . so just walk away!! I'm finding my circle of friends getting very small....

This was super helpful. Dealt with this recently with a friend I had to cut out of my life. Thanks! I didn't realize silent treatment wss a form of gaslighting. I feel better knowing this now

The day i was first successful in refusing to put up with this type of persons abuse was hands down the most empowering, validating, moment of my life!!

I stopped associating with one “dear” friend, because I always left not feeling good about myself, and then I realized that he was the problem, and so I’ve been much happier since ;)

Consistent phrases from emotional manipulators 'I'm doing YOU a favour! I'm trying to help you!' said in a tone that is evident that they feel you are totally unworthy of the basics they are doing trying to disguise as a diamond ring

My ex use to threaten to break up with me several times. He knew how dependent I was on him and would use that to his advantage. He broke up with me on Christmas one time and it was awful. I would always beg him to stay with me because he made me feel like I was the one with all the issues and needed to change in order for the relationship to work. Over time I just gave in and believed that I was the problem. He would tell me I need to exercise regularly, eat healthier, have sex with him more and that he wasn't going to put effort in until I did. Mind you I do think exercise is important and eating healthy, but I love going on walks and I don't eat horribly and I'm not overweight at all. It was hard to want to have sex with someone that doesn't put in any effort himself and talks down to me regularly. I know im not perfect, but i cant spend my life trying to make someone love me. Sorry for the long rant. He broke up with me 5 weeks ago and I've stayed strong and haven't reached out to him once. I just want to move past this and learn to love myself again. He thinks he is the best I'll ever have and I remind myself every day that his insecurities are not a reflection of me. He does not define who I am as a person.

So crazy the world we live in where we all need a lesson is psychology 101 just to date these days! 👍 Very validating thank you

When my manipulative ex broke up with me, she accused me of being codependent and suggested I get therapy. In therapy I learned about narcissists… and the world started to make sense again.

My Narcissistic wife used all 3 tactics on me. Fear, Guilt and Shame. I now realized this after 9 years of being abused. Great job calling out these behaviour themes and these need to be understood by people who are suffering emotional abuse.

I have an acquaintance that will not accept that I don’t want to hug him or be hugged. He will not let it go. He’ll go as far as trying to convince me that it’s OK. I’ve stood my ground.

Very helpful. The ex was subtly harmful and toxic while being kind and loving other times. It felt like a mind fuck. I finally realized and next time I will set boundaries earlier and walk away earlier if things do not improve.

You can also avoid manipulators by just staying in your own little world and reduce human interactions to zero. Works wonders.

They make me feel guilty. Wow, thank you for this video. Jabs all the time, because they don't get what they want. I always think it's ME!

my mother is a manipulator and has severe anger issues, I grew up completely unaware and thought it was normal whenever she abused me mentally or physically, to her that was "raising me", she blamed me for things that were not my fault such as her fights with my dad, eventually I met my Boyfriend who met my family, he saw the way the treated me and he told me that was manipulation and that was toxic. right then and there I moved out, and my family consider it betrayal that I left them and my mom would send me text messages like "how could you do this to me, I'm your mother, I raised you and fed you, thats how you repay my hard work?" the hardest part was realizing it wasn't normal but here I am watching this video in my healing journey.

Im here to share my testimony! I had encounter on July 31, 2021 late night in my bedroom. I had just left my abusive husband police wouldnt do nothing when he showed up at my house because "he didnt touch you" although there was history of TPO's and police reports. That night in bed I was gripped by intense anxiety. I was terrified he would show up and hurt me this time. I was laying in bed crying and groaning of the fear. I then heard a clear audible voice in my head that was loud enough to hear over my sobbing. He said " Do you not believe God creator of heaven & earth is more powerful then your husband? I replied through my tears "Yes, Yes I do!" I then cried out to God to help me and protect me and I would live for Him. At that moment a peace that cant be described came over me and I fell asleep the whole night. The next morning I woke up with peace and knew everything would be ok. I know it was the Holy Spirit because at that moment it never occurred to me to cry out to God. After that encounter I have a strong desire to live for Jesus, read bible, pray and live a holy life. My love for Jesus has grown, my faith and a intimate relationship with my Savior is growing deeper by the day❤️‍🔥 Hallelujah. Praise God.❤❤ John 6:44 and that is what happened that night to me. Since that night everything between my husband is peaceful, still separated but peaceful. My husband never returned to my house nor has laid hands on me. If you knew my husband you wouldnt recognize him now!! It was all God. Hallelujah to the highest

One of my biggest challenges is that the narcissist will be surrounded by enablers who will help gaslight me… Thank goodness I have a therapist To bounce these things off of. Over and over she tells me I have a good gut and I need to trust it. Without her help, I was getting destroyed because I had no way to ground myself and I kept playing the, "on the other hand" game. It's part of what the narcissist is hoping you'll be doing. Feeling unsure. I am so glad for this information to reinforce all I've learned. Ty.

I wish my tax dollars were paying for your vids to be shown in public schools. FYI: Your skincare routine is lit!

Every time it happens to me I ask why? Why are they so mean to me? And you explained it so perfectly Stephanie. This brought me so much peace and confidence. Thank you

Been in a relationship with a manipulator/dismissive avoidant. It's very eye opening how far they'll go to get their own way.

When this happened to me by a sister and a friend when I was a preteen and teenager , they started with things like, telling me personal things about themselves that they felt inadequate about they seemed to open up to me and then I would share a couple of things and that's how they got the information to try to manipulate me if they were trying to get something. I learned quickly as a sister and a friend not to share my deepest insecurities with people, that I would simply work on those insecurities and instead of naming them to anyone that I trusted, I would simply say I have a few insecurities. I would be vague.

My bf manipulates me, and I feel crazy sometimes. He tells me I always have a problem with him, and it's just discussions about things normal couples should have. BUT he just goes off the handle and starts making me feel guilty. I pay all the bills. I'm so over it. I'm over not being able to be myself.

My Ex used all the tactics mentioned but I found the silent treatment the most hurtful and isolating especially when it would usually last 3-7 continuous days. Its also so true that when you slow down & actually listen you can recognise the abuse more readily.

I had a “friend” who would always say she thought she was pregnant when I was struggling with infertility. She would say it every time I saw her but it was never true. She also had the birth control that went in the arm so I knew they were lies. Her and her husband also didn’t want kids. It was so cruel imo. She would throw so many other jabs but that was the most hurtful one.

My goodness, this has been happening to me for 3 years. I ended up with PTSD anxiety depression. I’m so glad I escaped just last month

My narc husband always says we are the way we are because we are products of our parents and there is nothing we can do to change. Convenient!

When I share positive things with my husband or I’m doing something positive for myself, he just about always comes with passive negativity about whatever it it. Very weird!

My ex used a combo of fear and shame when he broke up with me. Left me traumatized, hurt, confused and extremely surprised that this “wonderful” guy turned into this horrible person, saying all these degrading things to me….thanks for the insight!

I thought it was me. He made me feel like I was the one that was toxic. Gaslighting was huge in his control. Also made me feel like he was going to leave me all the time so I lived on the edge for years until he finally did leave with a new women.

Scary how accurately you describe my previous relationship. She used fear as her tactic.

My mother was a very sick Borderline Personality disorder and never did any self reflection. Pretty much as soon as I could I got out. She was always the victim and everything was about my mom. I’ve spent years in therapy. We grew up in a highly dysfunctional home. There’s five of us kids and I am the oldest. Our childhood was nothing less than traumatic. 💔

When a narc friend tried to get me to do something that wasn't totally above board, I told her 'no' and explained why (because what she wanted me to do goes against every ethical/professional bone in my body. She wanted me to type out a lie and put my name and contact info on that lie) Having boundaries will save you from getting pulled into precarious positions and their endless drama.

I came from trauma and dysfunction. I wanted nothing but to find the right person who wouldn’t make me feel like I did as a kid.found 3 relationships that all had me dealing with abuse. I have lived in survival for 27 of my 36 years. 17 of those on adult relationships with myself in therapy diagnosed etc. but my diagnosis was also the “cause” of problems. My boundaries didn’t matter.

My ex used all the tactics on me, I stopped reacting and the relationship ended. I am glad I am watching this videos now, gives me clearity. Tks

You are spot on. I just don’t know how to set boundaries. I was raised by two narcissistic parents. I married 3 of them and I’m still living with one.

We want specifics because they make you feel like the narc and if you react you can look like the abuser. They get off on this. It's evil.

The key trait of narcissism that is toxic is a lack of empathy for others feelings. This makes it sound like someone who is asking to get normal needs met is manipulating. This can be easily misinterpreted. I think it’s important that there is clarity. It is healthy and okay to ask for needs to be met by our partners. It is also healthy and required for the other partner to known themselves enough to set HEALTHY boundaries around what they can give.

i needed to see this because i’ve been made to feel crazy for so long. seeing it line up perfectly is so validating, it’s almost frustrating how cut and dry it is when it’s layed out like this because im not actually crazy ive just been surrounded by unhealthy people and im realizing now that im not cool with that and that’s not how i want to live and i have the right to make that decision (sorry for the run on sentence)

when i m scared to even speak in front of the people who were playing my guilt, fear and shame to put me down i cant even speak and think when they are manipulating me and when they are being honest

I want to give you a hug and tell you how much this video has open my ears and eyes to what I have deeply inside have known for the past two years.

Yes, I found out that when somebody starts to beat me down, I just say something like " I'm not doing this with you" and I pick up my stuff and leave. Some keep after me until I hear a voice pleading with me to stay and intending to brow beat me again. It is really hard to say "no" the first time. It does get easier, knowing that I can have a choice to do what I want.

This is such a confirmation of a situation I have been at work! I started a job last July and I had a great relationship with my supervisor for about 2 months. Then it went sideways. I have since resigned, as I tried to draw boundaries and it turned into a verbally and emotionally abusive situation. Based on this video, I think the first two months were the grooming - trying to figure out what would be the control tactic. She keyed in on fear but didn't expect me to push back and move on. The situation was not going to change.

Thank you so much. I now know I was never the problem... she has manipulated me for years.

You’re so helpful sis! Beautiful inside & out, helping me see things more clearly & confirming my own growth. It’s so hard to fill myself up.

YES! YES! OMG YES YES YES YES!!! I've spoken about the 'stare' and 'testing'...it's "examining" and "grooming"! Holy crap epiphany and integration... thank you. WAAAYYYY down the childish narcissistic manipulative predatory rabbit hole... ❣

Watched this video at least 10 times. Thank you Stephanie!!

Omg, I used to have a friend like this. I liked her and we had great times, but whenever I didn't go along with her plans she was trying to make me feel guilty with tears and telling me how "hurt" she was. Because I was young, I was really confused by this, since I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. When I finally called her out on it and told her she was manipulating people, she threw the biggest tantrum I've ever seen from an adult.

This has never been explained in a better way. Thank you!!

Thank you so much for this video. It was such an eye opener and a boost to help me keep going in the right direction.

I'm currently breaking some codependent conditioning I have and hooboy I have been on both ends of this at different times in my life. Letting go of control is scary AF but so worth it in the end!! Thank you SO MUCH for these videos. ❤️

The three things you mentioned I filter through what is said and it shows clarity of my own codependency. I now see the rotation and the doubling down to control and manipulate under the guise of love. 🙏🏻 thankful for the clarity you have brought into my life!🌈♥️

Thanks for this. I'm friends with someone who is in her late 20s but acts immature and manipulative and I am over it. When I say I'm busy and can't hang out she always says stuff like "I guess you're too busy for me" or "I'm so lonely though and you're my only friend". It’s exhausting.

I left an abusive relationship just over four years ago when I finally accepted that he was cheating on me and gaslighting all my concerns. I felt I was not “loving him as a wife should” if I didn’t trust his answer to my direct question - but that was my dysfunction. Now I see he’s posting that he was “at the receiving end of an abusive relationship” and I’m questioning if I was abusive to him, when I got upset that he wouldn’t keep a job, spent all “our” money, helped alienate me from my family, and committed crimes 😔

This Lady really knows her stuff!!!! Good job

Thank you so much for the videos. It’s been a real light for me when things feel so dark.

Your videos are so incredibly helpful! I work with vulnerable populations that have experienced abuse in various relationships. We often use your videos to help them in their healing journeys. Many are codependent due to life circumstances that were well beyond their control but they are learning that they do not have to remain captive to those lies they have been told. Thank you for your work! So grateful!

Thank you so much Stephanie for sharing.. I had a very narcissistic/empath relationship with my father growing up. I have learned to set my healthy boundaries a long time ago, but it is wonderful to watch theses self help videos to reaffirm one's self. Thanks again for helping others with your knowledge ☺

Great video with so much helpful information. Having dealt with people who are very controlling & manipulative, I learned that the best course of action is to walk away (or run!). It's sometimes difficult while being so necessary.

Great video! She touches all the necessary points and helps you learn how to understand the lies from a narcissist

My current situation on so many level. You touched on a lot of what has been done to me.

great talk, insightful, hard to imagine the mind of a manipulator - and how they get satisfaction from control

Excellent presentation, especially regarding fear, guilt and shame.

Thank you for a great video on manipulation. Great observations and advice.

It’s scary and hard to get out of a toxic relationship. Thank you for all you’re videos 😢❤. I hope it’s not too late for me

Dealing with a manipulative parent figure is even harder because of no real boundaries being set from the beginning or not being able to treat you with the respect you deserve as though they still think you are a child. It’s a heavy topic and Thankyou for sharing your advice. I have to deal with this sort of thing and gives me anxiety because I feel unable to stand up for myself or speak my opinion. They also love to use something in your life that they deem “unhealthy” in order to control. Often times heavily based on assumptions, unfortunately they won’t see it from the victim’s perspective

Great advice💥 TY Stephanie for spreading the awareness

It’s crazy I feel like you were speaking to me. I’ve been around (and dated 🤯) a lot of narcissists and when you’re around more than one of them shoooey lol! I legit needed that right now. I try to always check in with myself now but some people are amazing at gas lighting! It’s crazy when someone else makes you feel like you’re crazy or something you’re not! Thanks!

Thanks Doc, for your clear teaching and coaching. And plain common sense approach to a complex Journey to Healing. Your Vids are making a difference !

That was a really good one, Stephanie. Thank you!!

Thank you, beautiful soul, for helping so much ❤

You dropped some jewels! I’ve dealt w/ these folks & they do use these tactics. People are not well.

Quickly understand that upon exposing themselves they wil often instantly accuse you of doing exactly what they do. Realise this, do not argue justify yourself or remain in that state. Leave or go no contact as soon as it is safe or efficient to do so. Narcs and manipulators take years from peoples lives and never give it a second thought.

One of my therapists told me, before she retired, "Before you diagnose yourself with depression, anxiety or any sort of mental illness, check to see if you're surrounded by assholes, first." She was right!