I've actually had that as my tagline in Yelp! since the day I opened my account. =)

@@jamesanthony8438 That's amazing! I almost want to create my own Yelp account just to make that my tagline on there also! 😝

@@minxstole93 what is yelp

@@minxstole93 p

"I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet."

When did he realize Merlin was only 38yo? I'd say about 40:02??

That makes me laugh every damn time.

You couldn't do that joke today. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

"Plus the polyps in my colon-" "Look, I got to go."

Mst3k can be stone cold

+Felamine Best line in this episode

"Then the cats flesh was roasted" "Grandpa no!!" "No you gotta hear this its flesh was roasted" "No Grandpa Borgnine"!!!'

Grandpa Borgnine no please, not another subplot!

That bastard! He turned me into Benjamin Franklin! My favorite line.

"No, Grandpa Borgnine! Leave light and hope for me, please!" "Get out from behind that cushion Billy, it gets worse!"

+GreenDay1981 Hilarious

My favorite!

That was fuckin great hahahaha !

A thief no matter what time he lives in.

Read your comment as he was saying it

This eventually wormed it's way into my #1 favorite line in all of MST3k

You’re welcome

Same.

​@@LembeckIsStaying You're wellcoooome

1:27:31

My personal favorite line.

So how's Mr.Excitement? ...when your mom starts her chat like that you know there's time to spare

he needed his arse kicking brat

Especially for a cool magic shop. Places like that usually have tumbled rocks and glass beads and card tricks…

@The Kraemer What really?

Nah, he just played a "satanic" cult leader in The Devil's Rain

You see Timmy, we all die alone and afraid.

Please Grampa Borgnine at least NO more sub-plots. Sorry Timmy it's either the laughter of every thirsting dark gods or another random character enters the story.

In the first one the monkey did kill the entire family.

1:04:03

That *is* gold.

***** look up RiffTrax, if you haven't already. It's the same crew and everything, and they do all kinds of movies. My favorite was the Twilight series. There's best-of stuff on KZfaq, if you want to get an idea.

Being a rare MISTIE in Britain, youtube is the reason I love the show!

Jared Richardson Fellow British MSTie! :D

That makes 2 of us! Well done us!

Adrian Daniel My favorites are The Room and Road House :D

I giggle every time he uses that voice. XD

I used to quote that all the time as a teenager, lol

@@PreacherNny weirdly enough, the one I took from this one was "..damn, I gotta go change, I'll be right back. *Damn!* "

Glad I’m not the only one, I was laughing so hard at that point I had to pause it to recover...then rewind and watch it again...

"Yuh wulcuhm"

introspective af

Was thinking of this exact quote today, that's what brought me here lol

R.I.P. Ernest Borgnine

@@Jaren929 remember when Spencer Tracy beats the crap out of Borgnine in Bad Day at Blackrock? It was cool.

@@Jaren929 remember when Sterling Hayden beats the crap out of Borgnine in Johnny Guitar? It was cool.

@@hankworden3850 Remember when Borgnine was being interviewed on Fox & Friends and was asked how he stayed so active at such an old age, and he leaned over and whispered loudly "I masturbate a LOT". Hilarious!

@@hankworden3850 remember when Montgomery Clift beat the crap out of Borgnine in From Here to Eternity? Yeah....that's how you know it's fiction.

You're welcome. (My favorite line)

Derp Gaming Weeks later and this still makes me smile :)

Derp Gaming This is true. Uncle Borgnine is spooky all by himself O_o

I prefer Grandma Rotty.

Derp Gaming She's a treasure :)

CDR. Javik That scene won't get it out of my head!

ironically, that's the OPPOSITE of what Freud said. Freud said every kid wants to be their father to be closer to their mother, not the father wants to be the kid.

There's actually a Ray Bradbury short story which is kind of like this. It's no less bizarre, although of course it's much better executed.

Mike: "Great, now she has to raise her own husband." Crow: "That's what most wives think they do, anyway."

@@middcore7097 Pretty Maids All In a Row?

The girlfriend disappeared because of a cut scene; the monkey made her try to drown the kid in the tub.

Six Gun Shauna So even _this_ film had standards.

@@angbandsbane Nah, the second story (and the intro with the drunk fortune teller) is actually a recut of an older horror film, "The Devil's Gift". In *that* movie, the monkey devil possesses the girlfriend and ultimately blows the house up, killing Michael and his family. Those scenes were removed when turning "The Devil's Gift" into "Merlin's Shop".

What the hell was wrong with this director, you can’t just take a violent and pull no punches horror movie and make it a segment of a kids film, what’s next is he gonna cut down Texas Chainsaw Massacre and put it in a film about The Easter Bunny?

Mr Critical I have a much bigger problem with the first half of the film. It was made specifically for this “kid-friendly” film, and contains such _whimsical_ elements as infertility, rapid aging and the face of Satan himself,

Because it's perfection

Absolutely iconic line. Sublime.

I know right? Should have said that he'll get a lot more once he finds the monkey. That would have made more sense. xD

I agree for real.

Its not NOT the same story as Mormonism.

It's the American Dream!

It'd make a good d&d plotline. A wizard who wants to get people interested in magic again, but really he just wants to cause a surge of wild magic to see what'll happen

There was a _VERY_ short-lived sitcom based on a similar premise. "Merlin Lives Next Door" I think it was called. Same basic premise: cash in on the name _every damned episode_ while giving the viewers absolutely nothing each episode.

I've been needing a porcelain German shepherd!

+Stellar Marvel The Breakfast Vomitorium is very popular in Berkeley.

I spoke with Dr Collins today. Oh yeah, what did that quack say? He blames your wiener.

The pinnacle of human achievement

No more Crystal Pepsi? the mighty have fallen

There was real bitterness in that line. The company that was supposed to promote MST3K the movie spent most of that budget on Barb Wire

Best part was there were probably about five adds for Barbed Wire showing on Sci-Fi while this was airing on the same network.

Well, there was a rather large pile of diamonds just sitting there...

Because the diamonds disappeared

Don’t forget the scorched cat. Did the diamonds disappear? The book allowing her to make a handful of diamonds is still there.

Diamonds that look exactly like cheap plastic beads you can get at a fabric store.

@@101Volts and may come with other side effects.

'rattlesnake, Velveeta...hair...'

That episode crossover joke just made me laugh until I threw up 🌽, green peppers...... Onions

Be careful not to eat it while listening to 'California Lady'. That may be just a bit much

this thread right here deserves "the best youtube comments of 2018" award. I literally choked >.

[Lightning strike] "Stop talking, Johnny Longbone!"

And with at least 2 dead pets in the story.

Kids love those kinds of stories.

It’s that little, uncertain pause in there that makes this line so perfect

You weren’t lying. That’s so wild, what other movies were you in?

What?? That's so cool!

What was it like working with Ernest Borgnine?

You are so cool for being in a MST3K!! Lucky!!!!

This when these old a tots became hip and cool, it's Ernest Borgine man! 😂😂😂😂

Yup

HackneySack It’s only rivaled by the old guy in The Brute Man!!!

Her face was pulled too tight by plastic surgery, so maybe that made her a bit cranky.

@@jeffreyschofield5163 - love the crotchety guy in Brute Man! Mike totally lost it when they riffed that first grocery store scene.

Unmotivated rage

She probably had stuff to do that day. I'd be salty too if some idiot bought a cursed cymbal monkey with the power to kill

I loved that crappy show!

Not much worse that what he _actually_ included in his grandson’s bedtime story.

Love that part "YOU STUPID BASTARD I COULD STAB YOU IN THE EYES RIGHT NOW SO HELP ME GOD!"

Well, at least he did manage to knock the monkey into the bag just in time for Bingo.

Nostalgia Critic: the later years.

“Channeling the spirit of a circus freak”

17:02😂

17:20

“Well, gotta go drain the me”

Whatever happened with Nimue, anyway?

The basic idea wasn't that bad. The problem was the irrelevant long intro and irrelevant second story, and the inability to decide what the mood of the movie really is supposed to be.

The actors playing them managed to not make them creepy, I agree. They did seem sweet.

Merlin spoke way too slowly though, stretch out the runtime amirite?

@@GeraldM_inNC it needed a third story if anything, an anthology that’s only two stories isn’t an anthology, that’s a double feature

It's that slight pause when he says "what will ye..have." xD I love it. lol

Comedy 3000 Eeeeeeevvvvvilllllll!

@@DeeObl0 Stop shoutin' - I'm nappin'!!!

and The Dirty Dozen, and Escape from New York, and a bunch of other things it's Ernest Borgnine

@@DeeObl0 dqqqqqqqqqdqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

@@DeeObl0 cqqc

“ I did a good job painting this room. “

"DAY-AD! DAY-AD!!!"

There's _nothing_ irrational about how angry that child's line delivery makes me xD . If it's not all mumbled and impossible to hear, then it's just completely incorrect. He was probably the son of one of the producers or something.

Paint your palette blue and grey.

but there are funny cartoons!

Well, it was actually a short story "The Monkey" from Stephan King's collection in "Skeleton Crew".

If the movie didn’t suck, we wouldn’t all be here now.

That’s deep. I thought it was just a cheap take on the Monkey’s Paw.

lostonthewayhere: You must have missed the extensive disclaimer that begins each show. Of COURSE the movie sucked! Silly human.

Don’t forget about Charlotte the fish!

Sgt_Spork55 My mother bought this for me on VHS when I was 11 because she knew I liked medieval/ fantasy stuff. Needless to say I was very disappointed and confused by the gift.

I like it.

.............Sgt Spork Memorial............

It was meant to be a kid-friendly adaption of _The Devil’s Gift_ - already a conflict of interest if you ask me.

I once made that mistake with *Manos* -- and the compounded it by taking it as a challenge. Fortunately, I found a local trauma support group ...

My thoughts exactly. Is that GRR helping out a fellow screenplay writer?

"For Pete's sake, Madelyn! It's nothing more than a rock." "Like your womb."

Mr1987Joe HAHAHA!! so many classic lines in this episode. The critic guy is such an unnecessary asshole Mike and the bots have no trouble coming up with material. Just thinking about this episode cracks me up. Everything from the clapping monkey to old grandpa Borgenein is ripe for riffing. It's up there in my to 3 episodes for sure. Space mutiny being number 1 for sure

Blast Hardcheese

@@augustwest5356 mine are Time Chasers, Space mutiny , Merlins shop and overdrawn at the memory bank

I couldn't get through Space Mutiny, it was just too awful.

Borgnine was a great actor.

Apparently the Merlin actor was completely unaware of what the movie really was like the poor bastard

@@mrcritical6751 That sadly tracks.

It's literally both

The second story was actually a re-edited version of a horror film by the same director, plagiarized from a Steven King story.

@@cometkite Which was a riff on a Ray Bradbury story before it. Monkeys must = Klowns today. Or not.

@@cometkite True, but even the original story with the columnist and spellbook is pretty grim for a what at first seems like a whimsical kid's film

He's also Mermaid Man

McHale's Navy

Cabbie in Escape from NY

Not mentioning his stint as mermaid man is EEEEEVIIIIILLL!!!!!

@@historyandhorseplaying7374 He was great in that role! Classic movie.

My garage sale appointed home! ...is there any cheaper vodka than popoff?

+MrTurbowhitey everyone that cares enough to watch it in the first place :D

+MrTurbowhitey I only sing with the original.

Hi Ted Scheckler

+Brenna J so you mean the one from the KTMA era

I'm Earl Shived, and I'll paint any car for $99.95

Reminds of the Eagles' "take it to the limit one more time take it to the limit one more time take it to the limit one more time take it to the limit one more time take it to the limit one more time take it to the limit one more time take it to the limit one more time take it to the limit one more time"

So is a monkey doing weird things, everything is dying but Mike acts like Barney Fife.

+adamatomic41 This was marketed for kids..... FOR KIDS!

Tiswaser Yeah... that part of it really isn't excusable.

I actually found some of the movie funny

+adamatomic41 that grandpa Borgnine is messed up

Laser Blaster makes this looks like Casablanca. Nothing happens in that that film, nothing! He just drives around and shoots lasers out of a pvc pipe some while looking like a zombie. If that wasn’t the worse film Roddy McDowell was in I can’t imagine what was.

I did research into this, some Horror Director learned how lucrative Kid's Films could be, so he shot footage of Merlin acting all sweet and innocent, acting goofy, and honestly being a rather charismatic character all things considered... and decided to splice what he shot with scenes from a horror movie he made way back when about an Evil Monkey Toy. The Actor playing Merlin, was told he was doing a kid's film, and he was never made aware of what the Monkey Toy Footage contained or that what he was filming was going to be spliced with another movie. All this "I want the world to know magic!" stuff... literally a line from a completely different movie.

@@1Hol1Tiger thats pretty sick and twisted, especially when the end result is a horrific bore

@@Jude300c Right? Imagine if something like this happened today. Some cheap asshole films some Robin Hood footage that's happy, cheery, and good for the kids, and to fill time 60% of the movie is just the death scenes from the Sleepaway Camp movies..... because they're in a forest... that could Sherwood, why not? And just put it on Cartoon Network for the kidduns Yeah, the MPAA and concerned parents would both have a fucking field day. Sadly, it's the victim of a common mistake in the entertainment industry "It's for kids! That means we don't have to try, since kids are stupid as shit and will watch anything regardless of content!"

Even worse in the actual movie the family dies, if my sources are correct the monkey controls the father and makes him kill his own son

@@1Hol1Tiger That makes so much more sense.

They dont impersonate the classics without putting in the work. Theres an equally amazing Boris Karloff inpercenation in another MSTK classic, it goes "Joel,....your Terribly Alone! Your in your high school boiler room" and Crow even has the Karloff lisp. Thats serious devotion to a worthy character. Its not just a wisecracking puppet, thats the dedication only true admiration can conjure

Right?! I'm gonna need to add 'trained flatulence' somehow into my next DnD campaign lol

1:14:05