How Narcissists Intentionally Make You Second-Guess Yourself

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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships

4 жыл бұрын

30 Underhanded, Undermining, Passive-Aggressive Tactics Narcissists Use To Confuse
So many things narcissistic #Hijackals say make you second-guess yourself.
Today, I'm going over 30 things narcissist intentionally say to do just that.
UPSIDE, once you've listened to them today, you'll see how manipulative, deceitful, and toxic they really are, and refuse to believe them again! Yay!
When you are undermined at every turn - questioned about everything you do, every decision you make, every thing you say - it will erode your self-confidence and decimate your belief in your own judgement and decision-making. If you are feeling like you cannot make a decision or choice, or like you cannot make the right move in your relationship because you'll be questioned at every turn... perhaps it's time to examine what's keeping you there.
Here's another, older, video I did on this topic:
• How to Stop Second-Gue...
* * Remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... with your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal? That's someone who consistently puts you down, love-bombs and gaslights you, creates confusion and chaos, and causes you to second-guess yourself? I can help you recognize, understand, and make decisions about those kinds of narcissistic behavior…and especially, how to keep yourself (and your children) safe and sane.
No worries about where in the world you live. I work through private, secure video conferencing. So, we can certainly work together to figure a few things out.
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Пікірлер: 42

@lynmiller6046 3 жыл бұрын

The funny thing about narcs is that every one of them believes they're wonderfully unique but they are all exactly the same.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Yes, you're right. It's funny, strange, and sad. Each #Hijackal, each #narcissist honestly believes they are the "top of the pile," the smartest person in any room, and the best thing since sliced bread. Sadly, the reason the behave that way is that they are petrified that is not true. But, knowing that does not change how we see and respond to their behaviors. Nor should it.

@meghannystrom7651 2 жыл бұрын

Omg it’s my grandma I’ve been trying to pin it down if she’s narcissistic or not. She’s definitely passive aggressive and it kills me as I’ve gotten older.

@r.bishop1127 2 жыл бұрын

Ask a hyjackel what they ever loved about you. Or love about you. They can't even answer that.

@hgfw9295 Жыл бұрын

One told me he loved me bc I work hard loool so here is the answear to why he was trying to manipulate me so much....I was a good pick bc he could be sitting there gaming eating snacks I bought.

@OneMongolian 24 күн бұрын

After he didn't know what to say, my narc told me he loved me because i'm a good woman. When he was asked what was good about me he didn't know what to say, so he said he just loved me. Just ljke that. And people were charmed.but the truth is he never knew why he lives me, and i knew exactly why i loved him, and i'v said it to him many times.

@mookeystinks190 2 жыл бұрын

I am leaving soon (working out housing situation. But my hijackal has been calling me names and doing everything to punish me. At this point of seeing it clearly it’s almost entertaining. He called me a garbage person and I couldn’t stop laughing (probably from losing my sanity). He has been furious ever since but he’s afraid of what everyone will think if he does anything. I’ve told as many close people as I could to protect myself and my son. I’m finally seeing the light!!!

@stardustlia 4 жыл бұрын

crazy how individuals have the same patterns x

@jasonstone8222 Жыл бұрын

People get passive aggressive often because they can't just be direct or won't take no for an answer....and aren't getting what they really want but feel entitled to it.

@glizzard1894 4 жыл бұрын

Dr. Shaler, thank you for the work you do and thank you for posting these videos. It helps to know I'm not crazy. If you don't mind answering my question, is it a common hijackal behavior to ignore a person's attempts at conversation? For example, my husband will ignore my questions and observations as if I never spoke. The next moment, he will start an entirely new line of conversation (that interests him) and expect me to join in. It's bizarre. I don't understand why he does this. Do you have any thoughts? Thanks, Dr. Shaler!

@karoshi2 4 жыл бұрын

Not exactly Doc Shaler here, but: yes, that's common from what I heard and experienced. One can even complain in that moment and they'll insist, you'd just stopped talking. Or they interrupt you in the middle of a sentence saying "Oh, I thought you were done." or even turn it around complaining you interrupted them because you tried to finish that one point. I don't get the proper reason, though. Maybe it's that they just don't care and didn't listen in the first place. Or it may be tactics to belittle others thus ramping up themselves. I think it depends heavily on the type of person. Mine for example just works that way I guess - little to no planning it seems. Others in the contrary told about long lasting and complex plans. Wouldn't expect too much thought behind cutting you short or not listening, tbh. More like a lack of interest in anybody but himself. Seems that's how their mind works. Don't know anything about your husband of course but what helped me a lot and that seemed to fit: it's not against you personally, often they are not even aware that other persons besides them exist. In words they do, sure. But that's not in their minds. Doesn't excuse anything but maybe it's easier to think he doesn't want to target you specifically. It's not you, it's all but him he's aiming at. (Heavily guessing here.)

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

Yes, it is unfortunately common. #Hijackals are only interested in what serves them. Also, they feel powerful when they withhold their attention from you. Put those two things together, and you get the scenario you're describing. Nasty!

@JJ-dk1lr 4 жыл бұрын

I believe they do that to invalidate you and what you say is not important to them. They feel only what they think, feel and say are of the upmost importance and you should validate them!!!

@OneMongolian 24 күн бұрын

My partner repeatedly don't rmember his agressive and violent attacks on me. Right afterwards he says we will go to a therapy session, but he also ignors this need and make excuses why not to go. And then when the time passes if i remind him again - he says he don't remember all of this and that i must be making it up! And then he says "why are you keep bringing things from the past time and again?" And he makes me the crazy one... am i the crazy one? Because i feel he uses the time goes by to deny and to put me down.

@madeinhisimage3447 3 жыл бұрын

This here is a another behavior amo g others that I am just now identifying as a pattern that I never knew was another hidden factor of what sets me off and serves to provoke me. My Mother sending guesses EVERYTHING I do! From how I fold sheets, to how I will plan to cook a recipe, to how I raise my son, and now that I understand better and give this behavior a NAME I’ll be able to identifying more quickly when it’s happening and at the very least call her put on the pattern. I KNOW she will NEVER stop this behavior just like all the other toxic behaviors but I can try and remain more objective and fall prey to the feelings of anger and hostility.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Good for you for seeing the patterns in these behaviors. You can take active steps to shore up your self-confidence now. Just a suggestion: it's never a good idea to poke a #Hijackal! Best to take positive action and empower yourself rather than "call her out on her behavior." When she does something to undermine you, try saying something like: "I fold sheets in a way that suits me. I'm OK with how I do it. Thanks." Then, don't react to her continued directions. The most powerful thing we can do when #Hijackals actively try to control us is to not react. That's what they're looking for. It affirms that they can upset you. I wish you well. Rhoberta

@madeinhisimage3447 3 жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp Such wise words, thank you. I’m really looking forward to reading your books. Do you have any discussions on how to stay sane and survive when your circumstances don’t allow for the option of leaving or going no contact?

@Thearian6664 3 жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp what should one do when they just get mad and rage when you dont react?

@nancymorgan3006 7 ай бұрын

My covert Narcissistic adult son would take my things and deliberately throw away, give away, take for himself, or brake and it's usually something that"s special and means a lot to me, very malicious, cruel and evil, I can't trust him at all he's even threatened to set my room on fire! and this brake's my heart cause he's my son.

@thethomas5461 3 жыл бұрын

Youre my new doc with doc ramani and couple of non corruptibles on the next...thank you dônt you know people like you saves lifes?

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

You're welcome. I know that many people have written to me to tell me that I helped them get out of very destructive relationships.

@psychicmediumtarotrev.laur2724 2 жыл бұрын

I'm glad I found your channel! I follow several others, but I really enjoy how you speak and explain things. Thank you for what you do and I hope your channel gains many more followers ❤️

@joanieks3945 3 жыл бұрын

Yes! Spot on. Thank you 😊

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

You’re welcome 😊

@dragonclaws9367 2 жыл бұрын

I was told I'm depressing. It's known I have GAD and Bipolar2 but he feels it's OK to hurt my feelings, cause they don't matter to him. My mental health is used to invalidate every word I say, I'm just "a nut " now. He literally doesn't listen at all when I speak. About anything. He "forgot". I just gave up talking at all. I don't seem to exist anymore and I have gotten silent treatment so much it doesn't phase me now. I have seen him drop about six tears in 17 years. A very nasty piece of work. Never says I'm sorry. Ever.

@sultanaltany8564 3 жыл бұрын

Really appreciated Dr. what you do!!

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you! I hope it is helpful.

@karoshi2 4 жыл бұрын

Would have liked to give sooo many thumbs up but I can sadly give only one. At that time it hurt of course, nowadays I find it's more like ... funny? Suppressing to add in smileys and stuff, though, as I remember well it also hurt seeing those in others' comments while still in breakup phase. One story of my ex (covert narc from my hobby psychologist point of view): she wanted to learn something to finally start a career but then bombarded those plans again while telling it's my fault because I wouldn't want her to be independent. Started by claiming a course for $400 would be too expensive. "We can effort that, go ahead!" I said. So she claimed I wouldn't want to pay for that (as if I would govern the expenses), despite of saying the opposite. After a while she planned, though. Found something she would have to volunteer fulltime for usually 2-3 years, so I should take _a year off_ to handle the kids. "Who's going to pay the bills meanwhile? I can take off a few weeks, I can even reduce to a part-time job but I just can't stop working for a whole year. And you said it should be 2-3. How should that work?" - "So you say you forbid me to learn something?" - "No, I say you should do something that's realistic to even work. So maybe a part-time voluntary job while I reduce my working time?" Result: my unwillingness and fault. Even later she started to work part-time but gave up after half a year because it was too stressful. I was fine with that, better a job that's fulfilling than one to basically get pain and suffering money for. Later she claimed she had to give it up as I wouldn't want to take some weeks off. For what? She didn't even ask and could also not explain how that should make sense. Extra shifts? Nope. Time issues? Nope, I made breakfast for the kids even before that and brought them to school and kindergarden. In the end I think she just didn't want to work which was ok as I made good money with my freelance business. But she needed excuses for herself to not feel lazy. And so she seemed to beg for reasons to not be able to, thus I was the scape goat. And still am. We're currently in the process of divorce and I still hinder her she says. Because she cannot work as she has the kids (and they're not babies anymore). That is: she decided to take them although neither the kids nor I agreed - we all would prefer joint physical care; all but her that is. And that's the sad part and my only major weak point: the kids. She knows well that's how to hurt me and ignores that she also hurts the kids that way. (Angry at the ex? Totally normal. Want revenge? Find that childish, common though. Cause collateral damage? Definitely a reason to stop. Accept in kids? No way. Your own? .) So we'll have to get that decision by a court; I'm not willing to give up. Not sure if she got that aspect of me right in those 12 years.

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

Oh, I'm sorry you're living such an example of the things I had in this video. It's so crazy-making, isn't it? I'm so glad that you're going to push for, at least, equal custody. That's so important for the children's well-being. Most #Hijackals who behave as you describe, only want to use the children for their own purposes. That seems to have been her motive so far, so I wouldn't guess things will change. For many clients, I have suggested this and it worked well: be sure that your divorce has some statement about you having first right of refusal for looking after the children when it is her turn. (Here is California, you can specify, e.g. if the other parent is going to use child care for more than x hours at a time, the non-custodial parent has first right of refusal to take the children.) Other advice to go with this: always take the children when asked, if possible, and NEVER vary the custody order in effect, i.e. do not change or exchange times. If she doesn't want to keep the children during her time, you take them. She forfeits her time. You keep careful documents. You return to court after awhile to show that you are actively providing more custody and you want that to become the new agreement. Hijackals hate this, but it is factual. I wish you well.

@karoshi2 4 жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp it _is_ crazy making - all those made up stories she tells and I don't even know if she believes them herself. Whatever, that's history, actually even helped getting over her once we broke up. Thanks for those tips (and all your videos of course)! I'll definitely try the latter and will ask my lawyer about the first (not even in the US but maybe we have some similar law here). Hope your work will help as many other survivors as possible to see this deranged behaviour and withstand it - it definitely did for me. Thanks again for your efforts! You're a hero through words.

@ForRelationshipHelp 4 жыл бұрын

@@karoshi2 You're so welcome. I wish you well.

@harleyfsbo3027 2 жыл бұрын

@karoshi2 - 12 years together AND she had your children and she was still your girlfriend?!! Why is that? She didn’t value you enough to want to get married? Or was it you & you just strung her along without any real committment? Who was looking after the kids every day while you were at work? Did you pay for a maid? If it was the mother who looked after the kids then how are you calling her ‘lazy’? Do you know how much childcare costs? If she looked after the kids then she was in fact ALREADY WORKING and saved you all that childcare money without being compensated for it. Did she agree to being your unpaid maid? Now after divorce it hurts (in the wallet) doesn’t it when you realize you have to pay for childcare when previously it was all ‘free’ because the person you are calling ‘lazy’ didn’t charge you for it. Something’s fishy in this story. I’ve heard these tales too many times from covert narc men. A really lazy man is one who insists on making a mother with children work instead of saying I don’t make enough money and don’t have the means to support my own children. Let’s not have any. At least that would be honest. You are the father. It’s YOUR primary responsibility to feed your family and foot the bills. Don’t bother having kids if you can’t. That way she will also have all the time in the world to pursue a career of her choice with or without your support. But if she gave you children and 12 years of her life then that’s her contribution and you owe her for her time and contribution to the family regardless of whether or not you value / recognize it or not. Another human being’s life doesn’t become worthless just because you think so or say so.

@karoshi2 2 жыл бұрын

@@harleyfsbo3027 To clarify a few things: we were married, that's why we also were divorcing when I wrote this initial comment (see above). Also never called her lazy, didn't even think she was. But that seemed to be her feeling about herself so that she wanted to start a proper career - and then sabotaged it again, blaming me to forbid it. However, now it's almost two years after the initial comment and quite a few things happened meanwhile: the kids have been officially interviewed, oldest chose to live with me, youngest chose for shared custody. Mom denied though, as they "betrayed" her and abandoned them almost completely. Now she takes them 1-2 times a month, I begged for the legal minimum (every second weekend in my country) on behalf of the kids - no chance. Youngest asked for extra time with mom, maybe an afternoon or so, and thus I asked, discussed, begged, she gave in, then forgot, suddenly didn't have time, etc. Hard to see a nine year old give up on trying to see her mom out of disappointment. (All after she also couldn't get her desired 50/50 agreement.) And yes, now I also see how much she really contributed - haven't been too far off, overestimated a little tbh. It's quite a bit, manageable, though, and still working - had to reduce work time, though. But that's not the point - initially it was about second guessing. And actually it even went so far that I assumed I might have Alzheimer's or so because my memories differed so much from what I was told to be true. Now that I have to prove everything, and document the tiniest things, it turned out: I don't. Don't have perfect memory of course, but she tends to make things up and sell them as result of my forgetfulness. Whatever, it's getting quite a bit of prose again and I must admit it's not my intention to convince anyone. It's a one sided storyline and I'm only some stranger on the internet. From your point of view it may well be made up, you'll never know. Personally I see no reason to do so, though. To me it's the same whether you believe me or not. Guess I really needed to tell my story to someone at that time. Now ... dunno. In part still that, in part to have other fellow survivors' back. Guess it's somewhat a success story, although it's usually hard for fathers to have time with their kids after divorce. Could have been better, would have required a different mindset, though.

@e_mondragon.6208 2 жыл бұрын

my wife said if your such a good husband why would I left you.I asked her to define a good husband in her view.She could not give me the answer.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

I'm sure you learned a lot about her by her lack of response. Most abusive people don't like to be pinned down, in any way.

@kimberlymccracken747 Жыл бұрын

That's interesting - my name is Kim. And, yes, they think that I'm no fun because I have dignity and self-respect and won't go along with crazy, cruel, and demeaning behavior then act as if nothing happened 🤷‍♀️

@MrsOctober-kc5de Жыл бұрын

I use to hear that I over exggarered often.

@cleaningtim 2 ай бұрын

Spot on!

@Dee010s Жыл бұрын

The one time in my life when asked somebody something and used Can i? Instead of May i? And they said. Idk Can you? I was like 0000. I said May i...and they said sure. I sat there like..did they just CORRECT my grammar? So i asked..Did u just correct my grammar and they said no. I wasnt sure what you were asking. Like..HELLO..we all speak the same language. Shes older than me and i highly doubt she was so confused. Ugh. I was so disgusted. Ive been stepped on so much i refuse to be spoken down to. Im calling crap out now.

@PaigeSquared Жыл бұрын

Thank you for spelling these out so clearly!! Makes it easier to accept, when it has happened. My mom has been "saving" me from family gatherings for years now; she used to be the only form of communication between siblings. She framed my sister's absence at a holiday dinner I hosted as if she were avoiding me, and my sister had NO idea anything about it, she was sick. I had to double check with my therapist that I wasn't nuts for feeling upset for being left out, because my mom had decided for me that I wouldn't be able to go, or wouldn't want to go. She seemed so *innocent* about it, and mildly shocked at my upset. I'm 33, with a son. I have addressed the repeated exclusion multiple times with her, she knows it hurts me. My mom still doesn't bother to hide any gatherings after the fact, only beforehand, so I can't hang out with the rest of my immediate family members in one place.