Amy Turk - same here- when you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, having a caring relationship with someone of the opposite sex can help remind you that you have something to offer, and that you are lovable, after being beat down by the narcissist. I don’t feel guilty for wanting to have at least some of my needs filled, because my abusive husband won’t fill them. He set the stage for this to happen - not me!!!!

The fact that both of you try to justify your decisions speak volumes about who you are as a person

@@CorpseGodX the fact that the person literally talked to someone because they were in an abusive relationship and you don't understand that speaks volumes about you too. If you can't talk to your partner because they DONT listen or care about you (like an abuser) then what do you do? Where do you turn? How does a person who is being pressured and abused and probably trapped or feels scared to leave because they're being threatened know they need to leave or do so safely without support? You seem like you aren't experienced or mature enough to understand that one person may do something out of desperation or because of neglect especially in this situation.

@@LulutheJester, there's a proper way to end things. Running into the arms of a warm lover is not right. Cheating begets cheating. The person someone cheated on to find someone better, that romantic lover possesses the mindset that cheating is justifiable, and will ultimately cheat on the person given a proper interval of time. It's a vicious cycle. I've seen it happen to many people. Literature and movies have routinely covered this subject of scenario. Two wrongs don't make a right.

@@eclecticreader961 it's not but to act like their situation was black and white is disingenuous and dishonest. Abuse and assault are a thing. Threats are a thing. Not saying i condone cheating but at the same time some people are in a mental state where the only thing that can reach them is the true love of someone else. Sometimes thats not a family member or friend. You also seemed to fail to notice the difference in people. One is an actual lover. The other is abusive. You dont physically and mentally abuse a person you love. That means you are selfish. That means you don't care. The other person obviously does. At the end of the day acting like everything is black and white is just as childish and immature and something out of tv like you're saying. Some people need to be in a different mental state and their partner prevents that. But im speaking as someone who actually give council to people not just someone who's "seen a few things" I've never had to cheat because I have never been that pressed into a situation but I've met countless people who have been in some pretty peculiar moments that unfourntately make them choose something they didn't ever wish to.

My ex girlfriend did the same not going back

Yup just finishing up a divorce for this reason exactly

- she mentioned it I think, but even so, you cant depend on only on your partner( if you live only with him) for all the listening and help, that would be very exhausting. So forming other friendships close or not can help you feel much better. And if both sides share with each other I see nothing wrong with it. Of course you dont stop talking with your partner either, just that you don’t expect him to console you for everything.

That's literally one of the first things she mentioned

As a relationship counselor myself, this is the No. 1 reason, by far. Unfortunately, most people don't even know they have needs, what those Needs may be, let alone what their partners Needs may be. Given that poor starting point, in most cases, there's virtually no communication on our Needs or our partner's Needs. This virtually guarantees affairs.

You share more with a partner. Even if not married your life has a merger with theirs. And we're talking about flirting and stuff here. And if you're open with everybody it's very different- there are exceptional cases for most things.

Honestly same. I feel like this is bashing deep friendships. Like what???

Kati considers it is emotional cheating when you have deep conversations with someone you have just met, not long time friends. She said it in the video. And she describes the other signs too: you fill the need to talk to this person all the time, you miss them... In my own experience, you also enter in a "seductive game", you're not only talking but flirting, you can feel it is not the same as sharing with a friend. If you don't feel you are flirting with any of your close friend, I think you're good ;).

No it's totally fine it's not cheating

The "emotional conversations" would be directed to one specific person that they confide in. Typically things that they dont even share with their spouse. It's a slippery slope. It might start innocently enough. Its possible to have emotionally charged conversations with a member of the opposite sex without any real problems. It's pretty easy to tell the difference when you're actually in it. Especially when the lies start.

But not really, because like she said, it’s not okay to intentionally hide talking to the person, and it’s not okay to lie about who they’re talking to. The deceit behind it all is what makes it an emotional affair.

And I think it matters whether it takes away from your emotional relationship with your partner. Usually, your friendships don't take away from that emotional intimacy.

Letting go and forgiving is amazingly tough We forgive because we can't forget I guess

How have you started the healing process? How has that gone? Are you still with your partner?

I agree! thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, and so glad you are enjoying the videos!! xox

@@Katimorton i have questions do with affairs 1 if someone an affair without sex, is that really cheating? 2 can people have emotional affair with their ex boyfriends and girlfriends behind their husbands and wifes back? 3 what type of affair is only holding hands and kissing and hugging without having sex with them? Thank you for your time from jess sellars

You can just have poly relationships. I think it's okay to have freedom as long as you're willing to give your partner the same freedom and you're open and upfront about your needs. Honesty and knowing yourself will go a long way

I completely agree

Does the "nothing to hide" rule apply to keeping a confidential diary?

@@stevenk-brooks3459 Interesting ! I guess then the diary wouldnt be confidential anymore. Does it contain secrets about relationships with others or perhaps other secrets? I know of partners who hide receipts for expensive items and demand a certain level of privacy over their banking etc.

Agreed on this one. If you really want to know if what you are doing is emotionally cheating, maybe discuss it with your partner? If you really don't want to discuss this person with your partner that might be a sign.

Lynn Mikaelson 4:20

I think it has be considered causing harmful or maladaptive, like with disorders. Or it could be considered cheating if you have a partner and save these kinds of openness for somebody else instead.

@@chaonis24601 fear of doing something is not necessarily an indicator of having done something wrong.

Just so I'm understanding you clearly... you want to know if there has to be romantic feelings present for the person to consider it emotionally cheating? If this is what you are wondering, the answer is: The outcome will be what you have put into it. In other words, If you're married and spending personal time alone with someone else, what you personally do in that time period makes all the difference in how you define your marriage to your significant other. Your actions speak just how much your marriage matters to you.

You dont have to feel terribile. She is saying only that you should examine those feelings.

It's not the feelings, it is what you do with such feelings. We can all be attracted to other people while in relationships, it is normal and you shouldn't feel guilty about feelings. But what you do about it, wether you encourage romantic feelings toward that person, etc. is allways a choice and that makes all the difference.

So true. My husband emotionally checked out months before we agreed to separate. When we separated but I still lived there. I contacted a great veteran that i got a recommendation about because I would get the proof and bounce, leave all the mortgage and bills in his name and take my shit and my son and start over.. Oh he was on fire alright. I found out all sorts. When I brought it up he went psycho at me. Said I've lost his trust and there was no chance of any reconciliation. But yet he was found out. When things calmed down he said he wouldn't be in a rush to move on. But there he is on tinder in a bathing suit and telling the world he doesn't want kids or a marriage, just fun! His email hackerrobert001 @ g m a i l c o m

Well if you ask me there is no difference, this whole “EmOTiOnAl ChEaTInG” thing is complete and total horse shit crafted by insecure/jealous idiots who think they’re getting cucked when their partner emotionally supports the other people in their life

It's easy, Can you talk to your friend the same way if beside you two is your spouse?

Oof, that’s a lot of heart emojis, be careful, you might be emotionally cheating, ooooh nooo

@@eclecticreader961 You obviously know nothing about the subject. Honesty is the foremost building stone in poly relationships. As well as respect for your partners and being open about your feelings. It is also DEFINITELY about emotional connection. It can be hard enough as it is having more than one close romantic relationship, and you usually don't go into it unless it's really worth it and the connection with the other person is really strong.

There are still boundaries. If you cross those boundaries in a poly relationship, it’s still cheating. You said “poly/open relationship”, but open relationships are only one kind of polyamory. Many are closed. If it’s open, there’s things the partner may want in terms of being told or talking about it afterwards. And then if things change, for example going from a closed to open relationship or adding partners or whatever else you may have, those things should be discussed before things get going. Basically, trust should be worked towards and rewarded, not taken advantage of. As in a monogamous relationship.

@@eclecticreader961 that’s not true at all.

@Sincerely Respectfully Just like every monogamous relationship has issues and eventually collapses? Sure. Whatever you want to believe.

@Ez source?

I totally understand where you are coming from. As a person who cheated multiple times both sexually and emotionally in a previous relationship, outside validation was my number one reason. (the whole relationship was toxic and twisted on both sides, not that this is an excuse for my behaviour but I'm finally learning to see my behaviour as part of a pattern of trying to escape from the relationship. I was in terrible mental health and I was raped, emotionally blackmailed and manipulated for three and a half years)

@@carolineoconnor2461 I don't necessarily see outside validation as bad *as long as* you don't seek out most of your outside validation from someone else other than your partner.

ASL is Beautiful yes I also would like this

For treatment resistant depression I would look up a condition called... CIRS

Yess I need a vid on that

No i have not. I got broken up so i was looking naturally for emotional substitute..... but since someone shut me out you cant call this cheating.....

I have Treatment Resistant Major Depression, I would love to hear more about it....

I hope you heal quickly and enjoy the down time :) xoxo

following

more bumpitty. let's do this friend 💪💪💪

Be more manly

My concern is the communication you seem scared to even bring this up with your partner, why is that?

One word: *TALK*

So sorry you have gone through this. You didn’t deserve that.

I'm going through the exact same thing. My girlfriend did the same with my best friend. It's so incredibly hard. So lonely and hard. My ex and him are now dating too. I've lost friends and im borderline alone all the time. It feels so dark and terrible.

Yay! I hope you liked the video :) xoxo

How are you now? Did you find a way to resolve this in your heart? Why did you split up?

@@552MB I can say I have almost entirely overcome my guilt. I am still trying to forgive myself completely, but it is a lot better today. We split up because I was not satisfied with her. I needed to grow and mature, and it was not happening with her.

@@NickD1989 happy to hear you’re doing better

Reminds me a little of my experience. I will say I was in an emotional affair with someone who was in a long-term relationship (6 yrs). I admit it was wrong, but I never experienced something like that before so by the time I knew what it was I was already attracted and hooked. She showed interest in me first, I never even noticed her. I remember her acting all weird around me the first time we met at work, I didn't get it, she would blatantly ignore me. She actually got me mad the first time I said hello (being polite) to her cuz she completely ignored me down a hall, lol, I was like what the hell was that? Then after meeting her again at wk and studying her behavior, I saw it. It was the way she would look at my eyes, she liked me. She would often stare at my eyes, lips, and would blush- even saying it it to me. In zoom meetings I caught her countless times staring at me. We became friends because of a lot of common interests and values. We hung out a number of times alone. When I finally made a physical move (kissed her neck) she did stop me, she wasn't surprised though. Then we had one of the most adult conversations I've ever had. We discussed our feelings, our attraction to one another, our sexuality (she's bi, I'm gay), finding one another without really knowing the others sexuality - but the intense attraction was there. She told me some alarming things for someone who is in a long-term committed relationship: I sometimes regret getting in a long-term relationship (6 yrs) at such a young age, I 'like' my bf (not love), I miss dating sometimes, I've told him to get a more stable job out of retail (he's never really worked a ft job just odd ball jobs), by us being friends you will have the best version of me, etc. I spoke with a best friend of mine and she said that conversation she had with me was so wrong on so many levels. At the time this girl and I were discussing our feelings, it blew me away as to why she was still with this guy? I got the sense she had never 'been' with a woman and she desperately wanted that experience, along with just not being happy. Mind you, we are talking about this while she was at my airbnb at midnight. After everything we discussed, she wasn't budging, meaning she wasn't leaving. She just had a blank stare in the distance - she was thinking. Either way, I thought what a waste of time for her and her bf. She still wanted to be friends because she said she has never been able to talk with someone like she has with me. I told her I didn't think I could be her friend, the attraction was too strong. Nonetheless we tried being friends but it didn't work out, after a year of texting as friends with a little flirtation on my part, she blocked me. This was days ago, it still hurts and I'm confused. Again, I'm not proud of what happened, I do see that even if I were to date her if she broke up with her bf, I wouldn't be able to trust her. I have NEVER experienced attraction from/to a person in a long-term relationship. I will also say, I've never experienced that kind of spark with anyone really - I think that's why it was so hard to ignore. Now having experienced this, I know what the signs are and I'll never entertain that again. She did tell me she was conflicted, and I can see, she still is. 🤷

I am so sorry that happened to you :( xoxo

Same.

How do you feel about things now? We’re you honest with your boyfriend?

@@552MB probably not. Many women just monkey branch from one guy to another, so it is likely she only broke up with her boyfriend because she got with the guy she was emotionally cheating with. just my speculation based on how a lot of women behave.

She probably got those butterflies and those sparks again while she decided to cheat on her boyfriend with her emotional affair partner behind her boyfriends back. Sign of a bit*h. Woman tend to do have an affair after they lose interest and gets bored of their current partner.

@@552MB I broke up with him about 4 months after the emotional cheating began. About 2 months after that, we started talking again and then I told him what I had done. He was really upset and told me never to talk to him again. I ended up turning down a relationship with the guy a cheated with. Now the guy I cheated with is married and so am I. I married the next boyfriend 9 had after the fiasco. The emotional cheating started because my boyfriend-at-the-time wasn't treating me well at all. And every time I tried to talk with him about our problems, he said he "didn't want to fight" and all my issues wound up being repressed. It was also hard for me to break up with him 1. Because he had abandonment issues and I was scared of what it would do to him. 2. He was the first guy I had sex with and I really would have preferred to only have had one partner in life (I feel uncomfortable admitting that because everyone I've told treated me like I was stupid for not breaking up for the sex reason. I don't like being treated like I'm stupid). I still believe I did the wrong thing, but staying faithful was not sustainable given how he treated me and given how I felt about the guy I treated with. The right thing would have been to break up sooner. But I don't feel guilt anymore. That was the only time I've ever cheated

@@Rajputrajx I appreciate your use of the words "probably" and "tend to." You are probably right but I am not one of those people. It was a one-time-thing, and now I have a husband who treats me well, so i don't believe I will every feel the need to cheat again

I want to be a therapist

How are you now? Did you find a way to get over this?

@@552MB Wow, that comment was a long time ago. My old partner decided to stop hating and avoiding me just a few months ago. It is much less of a burden on my concience now. I've had a few tries at relationships in the meantime. I did learn a lot. I have managed to be more conscious of my feelings and to end dating/ relationships when my feelings never developed/faded. On the other hand I have not manged to form a lasting relationship before Covid, and I have not managed to meet anyone during Covid, so... baby steps I guess.

That's not the heart. That's hormones in wrongful action. Adulterous behaviors that people all too often try to layer with excuses and justifications, by saying something like: "He wasn't fulfilling my needs so I found someone who did", "She wasn't really paying attention to me, so I found someone a lot hotter and much more attentive." This is all selfish, manipulative behavior, that lacks the maturity of a grown adult who should have their mind in order to express honestly to their spouse in the first place: "I don't love you anymore." or "I want to be divorced." or "Our marriage no longer has the value that it once had." Yet so many people lack the essential ingredient that it takes to properly end a marriage... Honesty! Ironically, those are the same people that went into the marriage boasting on their honesty, commitment to the person they love, how they honor tradition, reflect values, etc. People make me cringe with their lack of logical reasoning.

@@eclecticreader961 so incredibly truthful. My ex had an emotional affair with my ex best friend. Then breaks up with me saying "I'm not in love with you anymore" and "I don't think you ever loved me" which were never expressed before.

This is the reason you should never have relationship with low self esteem people. One night stand is enough

First off, leaning on your partner for anything and everything does put a lot of pressure on the person, but that's the basis of a relationship. Dependency on one another. Couples are suppose to stick to each other and have love and dependence invested into one another. Secondly, it is in your opinion that "I think simply being emotionally close isn't cheating." Being emotionally close with someone who has already promised themselves in matrimony to another person is very wrong. That's called being a mistress. It is finding a way to be cute and lovable with the person on an emotional level, which is essentially mimicking the role of that person's spouse. This is a selfish and manipulative tactic.

You wouldn't understand it unless you went through it.

Sorry your going through this x

Same just did If your nice to woman they will take advantage of you You have to set boundaries in the beginning

Did you cheat or were you cheated on? How do you feel about things now?

It's not exhausting if its healthy. That would be a duty for a childhood friend or a really close family member

It isnt just the secrecy. The person having the affair starts craving interaction and attention from the person they are having the affair with. They also start comparing the new person to their partner. Almost an infatuation with the new person grows. Because of this, they end up comparing the new person to their partner. The new person is seen as flawless and they look at their partner as flawed..they become critical of their long term partner. New person can do no wrong. Long term partner can suddenly do no right and is in the way of their relationship with the new person. This is how longterm relationships crumble. This is how my wife of 13 years became after having an emotional affair with a coworker. My marriage ended.

What if it was during an alcoholic induced moment when you confessed to them a traumatic childhood experience and you guys were hugging and holding hands? After that it was just normal talking but still hugging. The affair was never done before that moment and afterwards they were completely cut off

It can be hard to do the work we need to in therapy, so we can leave crying or feeling really tired. I would let your therapist know you are feeling this way and maybe they can give you more time at the end of your session to calm down and feel better :) xoxo

Kati has a great video on recovering from difficult therapy sessions! kzfaq.info/get/bejne/jZldgZCTzs-pm4E.html

All honestly I know that I’m getting mis information and mistreatments

This will be a great video for me to listen to as I sometimes feel guilty of something I've done in the past or have learned that I blocked something out from my past and am re learning it

How it is going bro?

Priscilla Browne check out Kati’s playlist on chronic illness! kzfaq.info/sun/PL_loxoCVsWqxDsCUIsgBZVxZ2ogfNoTde

@@_just_TK I have..but I was asking for more..thanks!

You're a very lucky woman to have such an understanding partner. I only hope that you'll be equally understanding if your husband does this to you one of these days.

Nothing good ever comes from opposite sex relationships when you are married. I would have kicked your ass to the curb. Two timeing wemon/men have no idea how hurtful this is.

Why must you choose between people you love if it isn't hurting anyone? Because it is hurting someone. Your partner and your relationship. You're adding tension to your relationship that doesn't need to be there. You have to ask yourself if your relationship is important enough to you to put it first and remove the temptation altogether. If you can't, then you don't love your partner like you say.

@@NBGUYVER I stopped talking to this other man for other reasons. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. I still feel like we had a connection that was unlike any other I've ever experienced. But I chose to put my life and my relationship over it. Will I regret it on my deathbed? Only time will tell...

Check out Kati's playlist on self-harm! Hope this helps! kzfaq.info/sun/PL_loxoCVsWqxUuzhjHu7Ra_UyKd4tEde2