Empathy is important. Not everyone deserves it. Treat it like a currency. Don't spend it on those who will just squander it. You can be empathetic and still set firm boundaries. If you are stuck with a narcissist, reserve your empathy and compassion for yourself. It took me nearly a lifetime to learn this.

Our empathy can get us stuck in situations we otherwise never would have been a part of. Narcissists exploit our empathy.

After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!

I’m holding back on empathy and only giving to those who deserve it. People who are cruel, toxic, high-conflict and unhealthy DON’T deserve it for me. I refuse to be mistreated anymore.

I like to be around people I can be my authentic self to them. If I have to walk on egg shells or hide my feelings, I'm walking away or tip toeing because they are too busy doing their monologue to notice.

Let's sue the narcissists and their enablers for causing our brain damage.

Healing takes a long time after a narcissist

True, after being in abusive relationships one has to become' wise as a serpent'

I had a childhood with a brutally narcissistic father supported by a shamelessly enabling mother, a narcissistic first wife and a worse than narcissistic male nurse manager who terrorized us so badly that 100 nurses left the neonatal intensive care unit in 2 years. The hospital chain of command, despite that record, supported him which led to many nurses leaving nursing altogether. Many were set up and reported to the board of nursing with false accusations. Currently I am under attack from my new wifes narcissistic ex husband. These foul people win every time. My empathy was squashed by this unbelievably supported behavior. I only feel for animals now.

I suppose I emanate something like an empathic aura. I attract kids and animals, but also toxic people. And so I don't allow any kind of one-sided relationship. For example. I walk away from a chronic talker as soon as they come to me because they assume I'm listening to them even if I go gray rock. I abort listening to an unwanted sales pitch immediately, and I don't take a phone call from a stranger. I don't share my personal information with someone I don't know well.

Being aware of how our empathy can actually get us into unhealthy relationships is key. It’s very hard to do this. Because we’ve been programmed to think we don’t deserve empathy from others.

Dr. Ramani is spot on. I hadn’t learned of “ compassion fatigue” until a year or so ago. What she is speaking to today is a way to avoid compassion fatigue by taking those checks and balances steps before one reaches a critical stage where it’s difficult to climb out of the abyss that the narcissist puts you in.

Even in sisterhood! I have no sister. You can feel broken by a sister/friend. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Feeling that wound hard! I wish the best for her, I can be civil, but that trust is gone.

This is true. Empathetic people often get taken advantage of so easily the minute we’re nice or show kindness and I hate that about us empaths. It’s made me a little more careful what I say or do, especially online. There’s all kinds of people and you never know who’s secretly watching your social media, etc. Narcissists are everywhere and seek for empathy and attention, including across the web. It’s sad you have to be cautious, but this is the kind of world we live in.

Empathy is part of our core personality (the same way selfishness is part of the Narc's core personality). Holding it back does go against nature. Yet, it's the only way to survive the post-narcissistic relationship as Narcs are masters of using our empathy against us. And they're not the only ones! If anything, a narcissist relationship is the ultimate lesson about BOUNDARIES. ❤

I can feel empathy without acting on it today. I have a business to run and a daughter to finish raising. We matter more. I am 53 years old and feel that the time and energy I have everyday is precious and I don't want to waste it on people that always need something and give nothing in return, or have made it a habit to treat others poorly or disreguard other people's needs. I don't have the time or energy for nonsense anymore. I have drawn a line in the sand after coming to understand narcissism last year and am not going to repeat mistakes of the past. Knowing what I know has changed me.

If anyone here goes through a phase where you have finally realised that everyone you ever knew was Narcissistic and finally now they are falling out of your life one by one, please drop a comment in here. I'm going through that right now and I have healed so much for the first time in my life i feel relieved to understand how much they have exploited my kindness. They only needed to feel better by feeding on my good energy. I only have just one person in my life right now, literally ine person who has my back and supportive and healthy. I am grateful for that person. Sometimes i feel like my whole life has been a lie upto now. I had never lived my life for me until now. Thats what Narcissm teaches you, that You are no one but a supply to them. But not anymore.

Right on time! I am so exhausted and i can’t be empathetic anymore towards this narcissist relationship.

This is exactly what I needed to hear this morning! It has been one of the most difficult thing for me, holding back empathy with the narcissist. It feels off inside.. it is a struggle within myself. I have learned how to do it. It isn’t easy! Thank you Dr. Ramani!!

Great video! I am very careful with how I use my empathy now. I'm healing day by day.

Things went dark for me when I aspired to be like them because I thought that in that way nothing would ever hurt anymore and I would "reach" were I wanted to go. Of course that tragic soap opera I had in my mind didn't work and after years in therapy I realized that protecting one's energy and love is probably one of life's most important tasks😅

I'm holding back on empathy because no one had empathy for me when I left a narc who tried to unalive me, twice. And I'm an empath forged by fire. It sucks.

I choose how i respond to people depending on who I'm interacting with. I have become very discerning. I don't sweep in with fixit mentality any longer. With my soon to be ex, i don't take the bait. He exclaimed "You've changed!" . I smiled inside. ❤

This started for me as an 11yr old child, when my Mum tragically died.. My Dad's sister who I had never been around came to help him, because my Mum died in childbirth..The baby lived and my Aunt came and brought the baby home from the hospital, after a month..I suffered abuse from her for years..I now understand Narcs, but after counseling in my 20's I realized that my toxic Aunt was a narcissist..I look and act just like my Mum, and I could understand then my Aunt was jealous of my Mum..She got mad at me for looking and acting like my Mum..I am a very strong empath, a retired open heart nurse(45yrs), and it wasn't easy in the old days being so empathic..I would sit comforting my patients and families..In those days they felt it was unprofessional to show your feelings..I bought your book, and love listening to you, and see the help you are offering many people

Exactly !!! 👍❤❤❤ exhausted... thank you!!!

I can’t stop to be empathetic but I’m more aware and suspicious than I used to be .. I don’t believe anything I see anymore but I need actions and consistency to open my self and my heart 💜

Self esteem matters

The only positive spin I can put on this situation is that it has forced me to 1) set boundaries and keep them (especially if it goes against my nature), and 2) accept that I have been too naive my whole life. For me, dealing with a narcissist has been the ultimate wake-up call that life isn't fair, and there are some really bad people out there. Time for me to grow up. I can be discerning about who I share my empathy with. And, always remember, pain is inevitable...suffering is optional. Thank you for being there for us, Dr. Ramani.

I haven’t been able to shut down empathy for other people, but I had to shut it down for the divorce. I felt so cruel not allowing his emotions to dictate my actions, but it was essential to getting free and released from his abuse. I’m able to see how he became a narcissist. I have compassion for him, but he holds no power over me now. I’m so grateful for that.

When we are healing from the abuse, we give ourselves the chance to feel safe in relationships and we start trusting ourselves more than anyone else. Thank you dr Ramani ❤😊

The one thing I learned that is invaluable to me is that healing isn’t one size fits all. We all go at our own pace. I’m almost two years in, and I still ruminate, though not nearly as much as before. And I see my ex on occasion here and there around the hospital we work at, though the interactions are long since over. I don’t feel that inescapable fear of being sucked back into the cycle anymore. I know for a while, and this relates to a recent video you did, she was trying to keep me on ice for quite a while. I resisted it to the best of my ability, and I must have become so stale to her she no longer says hi, waves or otherwise try to get my attention. I don’t know if that’s a victory. Part of me feels bad about it. I never had a relationship that only 3 years ago seemed so good, so strong to become a distant memory like it is especially so quickly. But once I learned I was truly in a cycle, and I saw it for what it was, her getting bored of me and moving on to a new supply was a terrible gift. Cause I know it’s happening to someone else now. Maybe they too have been discarded for someone else, and they’re also looking for answers. But knowledge is power, and time, however long it takes is on your side towards healing once they’re out of your lives.

Empathy is one thing. Like in parenting. You love your children, but sometimes you have to punish them, otherwise they won't learn that there are consequences for breaking the rules. Yet, you still feel empathy, and your heart breaks for having to discipline them. Same goes with the narcissists. The difference is, they're not really willing and capable of learning, so it's pretty much a futile effort, with or without empathy. Of course, for those who are determined and have nothing better to do, or have no other choice - go ahead!

Put myself first ❤

This was one of my favorite videos as I have had to pull back on the empathy. Going forward in future relationships if someone does not want to go at my pace I am not rushing to appease them. I am not going to fall for their sob stories and feel I need to make everything better. Thank you Dr Ramini.

I was very empathic before, now ive become bitter in helping people out, i like to help but i dont do It as much as before, sometimes when i dont help when someone needs help i feel so bad and worthless, It really hits me hard conciously for a while.

My last long term relationship. He was divorced and his last fiancé died. And he manipulated me and I felt sorry for him because the fiancé who died was an anorexic. And I’m a recovered anorexic. It crushed me. I feel like now I finally have healthy boundaries. I can feel for people but make choices on what I do.

So true. Like pulling back on wild horses. I am such a compassionate and empathetic person. It pains me greatly to not take care of and forgive my narcissist. I have learned over the years that he only takes advantage of my kindness as he continues to misbehave in our marriage. I find myself in my head forgiving him for the atrocities that he’s committed against me and I literally have to stop and purposely not help him and not forgive him. I feel like a horrible person because that’s not who I am. But I know my empathy is misplaced on my narcissist and has no value to him. He only uses my kindness to manipulate me into fawning. If you really want to see who your narcissist is hold your truth and don’t back down. The brutal attacks, the complete devaluation, the verbal and emotional manipulations, like silent treatment and telling you that it’s your crazy or that it is your fault that he did something horrible because of something that you did not do like be quiet or buy into their gaslighting. This is the authentic person you are dealing with Remember these moments, when you’re narcissist begins to Hoover and love bomb and gaslight you do not forgive them. Remember the authentic person is who you deal with when you hold your truth.

It’ll be a delicate balance at my FIL’s funeral next week. I dearly love that man and I stayed involved with the family even after his son, my 1st husband died 23 years ago from cancer. He held me close and treated me as family even after I remarried and divorced (from a sociopath, so I got over a decade of first hand experience!). His oldest son is a malignant narc and has tried desperately to gaslight me, telling me to stay home and not come to the hospital, no one wants me there, I’m controlling and fake. Now he’s stepped it up and taken it to a new level at the expense of my child. I have 2 kids. A daughter with my late husband and a son from my 2nd marriage. He’s known and loved Grandpa since birth and he was also treated as family by everyone EXCEPT the eldest son. This garbage of a man spent every single Christmas lavishing gifts on all the other nieces/nephews and never got my son a gift just for spite. It broke my heart for years! Now, as executor of the estate, he literally demanded my 17 year old son’s name not be in the obituary as a grandchild and refused to allow other family members to add it. There’s nothing anyone can do. Luckily, I had prepared my son in advance knowing this POS did the exact SAME thing at grandma’s funeral 10 years ago. We refuse to feed into the gaslighting. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt a little, especially knowing that he’s dishonoring gpa’s memory and disrespecting what we know would be his wishes. But in the end, we know what we meant to gpa and vice versa. I refuse to participate in any drama this narc is trying to stir up. We will go to the funeral and remain on the sidelines to keep the peace. It’s not about us, it’s about celebrating the life of a man we dearly loved and respected. Then going forward, I’ll will choose to never speak to that disgusting subhuman ever again. He will learn the hard way which of us truly IS a loved family member when he finds himself alone and not invited to family functions. There’s no hiding his true self now! He made it obvious to everyone with his actions.

What you said about feeling safe in our primary relationships being a goal of healing smacked me hard. I thought I was healed enough to date, and I’m discovering that I’m wrong about that. And I think that applying discernment to others and empathy to myself will be the key to further healing. Thanks for the insight, Dr. Ramani!

Boy does this hit me right now..Thank you..

I feel like I have very little capacity to listen to ppl now. Just nothing left to give and I’ve gotten rid of so many ppl bc they were exhausting to keep around. I just thought I was stressed but it’s the need for peace and sick of being drained for way too long

Brilliant. Next level understanding of showing empathy in narcissistic relationships. I have often found that the Narcs around me come at me more when I do show empathy.

Absolutely right. Narcissists demanded one way extreme empathy that turned you into their enabler. You feel like you can't give that to others in case you're getting abused again.

Makes sense empathy can be depleted but it always replenishes.

Thank you for this. I didn't spot exactly what was going on with this and why I felt such tension but now I recognise it in myself. I now understand much better.

Honestly Forever Grateful 🌎 🕊

This is why I have to isolate, I can’t be myself without someone treating me as if I owe them, or they just turn plain cruel.

It took so long to get to this point but I have arrived! Many thanks Dr Ramani 🎉

I’ve drastically pulled back my empathy and it’s very very hard because it’s my natural tendency to let it flow

He outright manipulated me into thinking that I was extremely over the top nice (insert more exaggerated words) and that I was an easy target for people etc... when I was just being myself. He even didn't want me to do the nice social casualties and wanted me to be more cold and rigid. This may seem harmless and as though he had good intentions, you know as if someone is telling you to have better boundaries or stand up for yourself, but it really was more than that. "I just want the best for you and I want people to respect you!"... I still hold back my empathy until today, both because of what he told me and also who he was and it feels like a struggle.

Thank you Dr Ramani. Empathy is a feeling or emotion. Emotion always needs balance and control. Emotion should not be wasted on the undeserving.

Dr Ramani I have a tremendous respect for you and your work. I am a super Empath . I have narcissists in my family and dated a few narcissists. You always give the perfect description of everything related with narcissism. I hope you can help/ teach many 7:40 students and future psychologist and psychiatrist . Thank you so much for all your videos, all make a difference in our lives. It helped me a lot. I know I am sure about myself. I have great senses , but know that I m not alone and there is someone out there that knows that I m not crazy, and knows what I have been going through. I felt alone in the past. They are powerfully to the point that they can have a negative influence in everything that is around us inclusive in ourselves because it’s exhausting to deal with them.. Again, thank you so much❤

Thank you for this. It does sometimes feel like empathy equates to caretaking or codependency, so it's helpful to have this distinction. Also thank you for confirming that it's OK to withhold information/empathy from the narcissistic people in your life, and for explaining that feeling of inauthenticity- which is something I've struggled with. But this dovetails really well with the "yellow rock" system from your newest book which has been an extremely effective method for me. Love the new book as well- good stuff!!

Thank you! You are helping me break free of a horrible parentm.. ❤ I am 59.

As someone who has never been in nor ever will be in a relationship, but is still a victim of severe narcissism from far too many people in far too many places, including in this very building where I am outcast, I wish I knew how to end this curse.

It’s been inferred that I’m dead inside because I’ve ran out of empathy for a certain person.

It's me. Thank you for speaking on this mater.👍💝

Somewhere between A & B lanes, radical acceptance of the Narcs who were part of my life & my empathy has now gone & I have chosen to go no contact I need to protect my soul & my dignity It wasn't a decision I made lightly. Rather, I was forced into making that decision, and I am at peace with it Brilliant video, as always Thank you, Dr.Ramini

Exactly! the "vulnerable narc"- I felt I could share this superpower and that he would appreciate me for it.

Always excellent! I used to feel like I was "holding back!" I reframed my view to putting my time, resources and energy into relationships that were balanced!

Thank you Dr..... Ths vedio has helped a lot.... As i was having many questions.... Which r answered

Your channel has brought me outta the narcissistic insanity, she bestowed on me Healing And I expose my Narc now that the Golden Child isn’t close enough to pull in her corner! She knows who she is , thanks to my strong will to show her wrongs!

Takes years and years of learning knowledge to try to recover from a narcissist if ever completely recovered. Evil soul list, vampires they are sucking every bit of life and energy out of you.

I just broke it off with my 9 year relationship with my narcissist. I'm trying to move out and he wants exact replicas of everything I own. It's really creepy. Can someone please tell me this has also happened to them? It's almost like they want my soul, I put my heart and soul into decorating, and he's like hey, can you just leave those where they are and I'll order you new ones? They leave holes in the wall. Meanwhile everytime there has ever been a hole in the wall he patches it up just fine.... Like why do you want my things? It's really messing with my head right now. On certain occasions he also said he made big bucks. He started a business and I did basically all the marketing while he would be out playing golf. I was homebound nearly 24/7 towards the end because he wanted me to work, cook, clean etc. However, on certain occasions he would say I made more than him or he really didn't make that much. I dont know what to believe anymore. I feel kind of bad leaving him with this insane rent, food, utilities, but I also don't even now what he makes. I woke up crying this morning because despite having a new apartment, we were together for 9 years. I cant trust anyone anymore.

Went on my morningwalk. Day before yesterday, and a lightbulb lit. Regarding empathy, with one at hand, i've seemed to have lost that empathy. Had been wondering what was the root for it these last couple of weeks. At the beginning of this video, it spoke to me in a way that it answered, "because my empathy, hasn't been used. But abused." To me relationships are like a glass of something. Be it a drink, vase, or a cabinet of trinkets. If you're clumbsy and bump the cabinet. Or if i myself had put your drink a little too close to the edge of the table. Maybe things break or fall. But there's a window there for one of us to say sorry. I will fix the cabinet or get you another drink. However, when you come to my house, look me dead in the eye, grab that drink, and smash it on the floor. O'boy.. do you know how to Tango? Very difficult homework there doctor.. 😅🤝

I feel like calmly holding bqck empathy starves the fire of the narcissist a bit. They notice it, and are pushed a little into a more neutral state. Strategic for sure.

This video comes at a perfect time for me. I got a new boss this year and boy o boy, she's showing her true colors. She's great at being a project manager because I previously worked with her in a project. But as a People Manager she is absolutely horrible. Making incorrect assumptions about me even though I tell her they aren't true, she insists she knows me better than myself! 🤣 And then she says to ask her questions to get clarification and when I do she gets mad and says that I'm a professional and I should know. She expects me to read her mind too!😢 I make a small mistake and she told me the way I do one thing (a small mistake ... mind you I've had several cousins die in the last few months and I'm still greiving) is the way I do everything. She makes snide remarks constantly. At first I shrugged it off thinking there's no way she's a narcissist. But now that I look back, she's made herself a victim since I knew her. I confronted her about this, but she conveniently forgets the bad shit she says to me. She also tries to micromanage, yet complains that our old boss (4 years ago we had the same boss) was miromanaging her, so she left to another group within the company. I've shrugged so many things off, but now I'm exhausted of her crap. In a normal situation, I wouldn't be bothered, but like I said, all of a sudden I'm really sad of all my extended family that has died and also I've been sick and my children have been sick and so I'm worn our from that as well as my stressful job. I'm watching Dr. Ramani videos so that I can deal with her.

I am holding back on empathy with toxic/narc people to protect myself. It doesn't feel natural but I know that the trauma bond will start again with my devaluation. Thankfully I recognize this pattern and can support myself through it. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, what matters is what I think and how I feel. Putting myself first!

Ive gone the other way - throwing empaty around only to then draw back into my shell.

I might be below average in empathy but I am a very generous person. Glad that Dr. Ramani added the "desire to fix" and "rescue" to empathize. It is really hard to not give in to my ex's endless requests for money and other things but I know I can no longer, in good conscience, give him anything more.

Beautiful words.

I sometimes hate myself for being as cold as living with a narcissistic father my whole childhood made me. I almost never, ever cry. I have a hard time trusting people who ask for help or even just tell me about their problems…it’s like I’m afraid everyone is trying to manipulate me. I even have a problem being empathetic to myself - I tend to push myself too hard to make sure I do everything on my own lest anyone pity me or try to help me. I can see all that, so that’s a start, but it’s awful to be me sometimes.

Dr Ramani Thanks for the generous reminder.

Despite my narcissistic ex and mother's (yes I was trained from a young age) leaching off my empathetic tendencies for far too long, I don't "hold back". I am, however, very selective of who gets that level of consideration from me now, be it friend, family or new GF. I've found that all too often in a romantic relationship, women start whining and crying for that degree of dedication before they've expeessed that for me.

It is getting easier.

When the other person is showing consistent traits, the technique of DEEP in the middle of their DARVO episode. Listening here I learned I must temper or use more discernment about empathy. I had to learn here to stop giving them excuses because it doesn't matter how old I get I'm always the one getting hurt because I gave them excuses and those are pieces of empathy. tough to untether from without consistent therapy or someone else to support the person to rethink empathy as to resituate where and who it belongs to

I used to feel empathy, but now I feel empty, after my narcissist ex-wife and also a narcissist boss at my last place of employment. I have a new job and I am getting better, but I now hold back, or reserve empathy, until I know the person more; a lot more!

When we are too sweet they will eat us highly empathetic people if you are highly empathetic am saying i sooooo get this thank you 🙏 I was feeling it but you put the intelligence into it THANK YOU 🙏 I have not dated in years due to this don’t even want to when I drank n drugged my personality away I dated everyone and every woman wanted to fix me and I had my choice and then got screwed over when my true personality showed itself . Nothing to fix lmao 🤣 your awesome doc am introverted and HSP and it’s fine

Turning the empathy on me. Tired of being depleted. Thanks Dr. Ramani. Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙏👑🌹💯👋🇯🇲

That’s exactly where ima at rn. Discerning how much to give of myself and to whom, to keep me safe but not isolated.

I really needed to hear this! I felt horrible that, at the end, I really didn't care about nex. Every time I brought up an issue, it caused him to rage and then say how awful he is and how he might as well be d3ad. I didn't have any support or therapy, I was exhausted, fed up and quite frankly, so resentful for how he treated me after I gave him everything.

I needed this video, thank you!💕

I was lucky I didn't end up marrying my narcissistic fiance. But now I sometimes feel bad for my husband because of a level of stone heart I have towards certain things. I can't be that vulnerable anymore. Am I a bit narcissistic too?

Thanks for amazing video!!

Thank you ❤

Gracias Doctora Ramani

Appreciate you ❤

I trust your eyes btw

I've run out. I dont have it for my patents, siblings or husband. Just my kids and closest loyal friends. Thats a handful of people.

This couldn’t have been more timely! I was thinking about this today wondering if it was normal. Wow

Struggling with this. Thank you.

Learn & apply!!

This does help a lot thank you

You are a wonderful help. Thank you. I would like to know how to help my daughter. I just watched a video of yours from 2 years ago on a truth teller. I want to be able to support her as I do believe she is one, her big sister was/is a narcissist. And so is her now step father.

The metaphor that comes to my mind for this is that having empathy in a narcissistic relationship is like having a luscious head of hair in the midst of a lice infestation. When nothing else works, when you're too surrounded by carriers that keep reinfecting you, when you just don't have the means or the bandwidth to go the complicated route to manage the issue, just shaving it all off can turn out to be the most efficient resort, perhaps your only one in the worst cases. Shedding a part of your identity under external pressure. You can end up totally owning it and keeping your head that way, you can see it as a temporary measure to protect yourself until you're in a safer place, but either way you don't need to judge yourself or receive judgement for it.

Hi Doc check it "flexing" I think its what IS rather than this higher level you are propagating. Hugs.

Empathy is a great characteristic that we all possess, BUT NOT MANY WHO IS WILLINGLY TO EXERCISE due to other's opposite character also existed WITHIN ourselves and that is called SELFISHNESS..However, just like everything else's in life, make sure to use it at your own WILLINGNESS with the PEACEFUL FEELINGS..Then, it is a TRULY MARVELOUS CHARACTERS.. For example, sex is an act between 2 adults ..However, when this act wasn't consensual, it becomes violations aka rape; but with consensual of 2 adults with good feelings towards each others, the actions didn't change but it was labeled differently as "making love.."..PERIOD..

It's true... We can't give up our empathy. It's who we are. But we can't let our empathy keep us in toxic relationships. We need to have empathy for ourselves. ❤‍🩹❤‍🩹❤‍🩹❤‍🩹❤‍🩹❤‍🩹❤‍🩹

I like the helpful video. Thanks

My mother needs me to care for her because there is no one else. But she is so mean. 😢