I knew for decades after my childhood I was the scapegoat -- although I got out as soon as possible and put up physical and emotional boundaries -- I never understood how my behavior reflexed my entire life afterward. I am in my 70s, with a happy life, and still feel the effects of playing that role -- that even then I knew didn't really fit and was fraught with misconceptions about who I was and what I truly felt. I knew it from the age of three. My gift to myself is to, hopefully, discover and live as the true "me" for the brief time I have left on this planet. You are helping in that very important endeavor -- so I may at last stand in my own light. Thank you.
@juneelle370 Жыл бұрын
☀️ 🕯️ 💡 ❤
@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Жыл бұрын
Donna- yes it’s never to late to heal. Compassion to you.
@carospereman3537 Жыл бұрын
@Donna F. I had the same thing, that misconception of who I was. I am almost 60 and am living the true me the best way I know how. I can recognize toxic individuals and have strong boundaries. I feel empowered and am getting to know myself better by each passing day, life is good. : D
@Anson7777 Жыл бұрын
Shut up about your"happy" life. Those of us struggling don't need to feel like even more discouraged. You didn't need to mention how happy you are
@shivranjanigandhi2114 Жыл бұрын
More power to you ❤
@tiptopdadddy Жыл бұрын
You are perfectly describing how I grew up and how I was taught to see myself.
@mongohotline Жыл бұрын
Me too mate.
@taraarrington2285 Жыл бұрын
Yes you have to dim your light and keep your head down so that these people don't feel threatened by your power. Now that I fully understand all the Injustice has that I've suffered by these narcissistic people
@RippleDrop. Жыл бұрын
Growing up with a narcissist is like growing up in a nasty cult that codes you to loathe yourself and worship the narcissist.
@TheLordsbattleaxe10 ай бұрын
I agree.
@lovesings2us10 ай бұрын
Thank you for your honesty.
@nicole8511 Жыл бұрын
My mother was like a bull in a china shop and I was the china shop It was a variation though. I was like a scapegoat confident required to listen to all her grief until it was also my own These videos have helped me see why soothing her, comforting her and solving her problems was so primary for me for so long
@DJBenito304 Жыл бұрын
💯
@leeboriack8054 Жыл бұрын
Be aware: you might be prone to taking care of people like your mom. I did that w several partners. Don’t do it.
@thescapegoatclub Жыл бұрын
Great video! Just the way you described a child has to connect with a parent despite all the toxicity made me cringe. The memory of this is so tangible. Just the thought of physical closeness or even hearing my mother's voice makes my skin crawl. It's a physical reaction I can't ignore any more.
@diatribe5 Жыл бұрын
I got uncomfortable whenever my n-mom hugged me. It felt so cold and phony, a sharp contrast to the physical and emotional pain she inflicted upon me. I think narcs do this to string us along with the false hope that things aren’t as bad as we know they were. Also, they love to violate our physical space boundaries.
@diatribe5 Жыл бұрын
And the voice thing, when I’ve heard myself recorded, I find that it sounds just like her harsh shrill voice, so I inherited that from her. I don’t want to be anything like her, but at least my voice sounds fine between my ears.
@thescapegoatclub Жыл бұрын
@@diatribe5 right! Another show of caring with no warmth behind it. Ugh!
@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Жыл бұрын
@@diatribe5 you could get help with this- very practical solution- a voice coach. I really get how you do not want to sound remotely like her.
@Jstrong196610 ай бұрын
Why be near that or hear it? What is keeping you there? I can't stand her voice and words in my own head, they will always be there! WTF is wrong with you? Is going no-contact too hard, scary or in some way impossible? Yes, it is very hard very scary and IDK if I can survive out here. I have strong doubts that I will. I am at the point where I will die before ever dealing with them again.! I am hurting, like on my last 2 mins of strength treading water over an undercurrent that's pulling me down. I am dieing in every sense.
@lydiarosebrita4901 Жыл бұрын
I'm in the process of accepting different parts of myself and giving them all a home in my new life. I've been applying for new jobs and at first I found it very challenging to promote myself and celebrate my achievements in interviews but I think bit by bit I've become a lot more comfortable with that side of myself and today I had an interview where I felt really confident in my abilities and didn't second guess myself. It was a huge achievement in my recovery. 😊
@lovesings2us10 ай бұрын
Wow! Thank you for your comment. It gives me hope during my job search.
@TheLordsbattleaxe10 ай бұрын
Congrats.
@Janis_Even Жыл бұрын
I am a scapegoat child survivor. Your videos describe exactly what my situation was. Thank you for putting this online. What I want to share is. I once heard from the inner child. And it was written that one can ask the inner child what it needs and what it wants. In the morning, right away after waking up. And then the child say words. And you write these words afterwards down. In a notepad on the left side and with the left hand. Then, on the right side, you, as a benevolent adult, speak to the child as a mother would do. On the right side in the notepad, you write with your right hand down what you want to say to the child. Your subconscious understands the words from the child because it's YOU. So, the child is seen. After I read this description in the evening.... Next morning, my inner child began to speak to me. That was the first time my inner child was seen and heard! Sometimes, during a day, I found myself talking to myself. I said, I am here, and I don't leave you. I hold you tight. I am here. I love you. I didn't know, who is this? It's like I am the mother of the child, who never had a mother. The child said sometimes. "I am not here." (Because it had to desapear in the inner world. To no existence) But now I heard the child saying: "I want to be here again." It takes time... The three pillars help me too. From Mr. Reid. I am on pillar 1. Making sense of what happened. My mother was a covert narcissist. My mother was not benevolent to me. She was hostlie. I believe this is my time of healing. I am healed. These believe sentences help me also for direction.
@irenahabe285510 ай бұрын
🤗
@andreadonegan4780 Жыл бұрын
I have done a lot of IFS with my trauma therapist for my scapegoat role. Very effective!
@deborah1295 Жыл бұрын
That's so spot on - the parent that says they love you, but you don't feel loved (the parent rolls their eyes in exasperation when you want something). This has always made me feel guilty - that they said the right things but it wasn't enough for me somehow - like I must've been expecting too much therefore. What more did I want?! I got fed and a roof over my head!.... I was expected to be grateful, which has had the unfortunate effect of turning gratitude into a chore, such that even now I feel like being grateful is something I should do rather than something that I want to do.
@TheLordsbattleaxe10 ай бұрын
I understand.
@shartosi6667 ай бұрын
Yeah me too...😞
@annewoods3528 Жыл бұрын
I always knew there was someone else inside of me. She showed up unexpectedly. One time in graduate school, I all of a sudden sat up in bed and asked 'Why are my needs so repulsive?' I was really surprised because I was not consciously thinking that at all. The unexpected thoughts and dreams helped me understand how I really felt. They broke through in a big way when I realized my ex has been exploiting me the whole time. I contacted my inner parts directly by asking them how they felt. Their replies broke my heart. I resolved to contact them every day. I have been doing that for more than 2 years. It is tremendously helpful and eye-opening. Today is my birthday. I feel so hopeful. I really like the qualities I possess, that the monster tired so hard to destroy but failed. My birthday gift to myself is to watch the movie 'Snow White'.
@juneelle370 Жыл бұрын
🎂 ❤️ Hope you have a wonderful Birthday! That’s amazing how that happened for you!
@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Жыл бұрын
Happy Birthday Anne Woods. 🎉 it’s the day to celebrate you.
@adrianagarcia-brown504911 ай бұрын
Happy belated Birthday
@makaylahollywood3677 Жыл бұрын
Yes, coping for so long- now, healing-mostly alone. I've walked away from so many. Have few trusted friends. Parents are gone- this was a time when things got worse. Parents die, siblings carry on with dynamics. Forgotten gifts, strengths..use books, nature, hobbies to keep me engaged in a meaningful life. Still grieve, look for sprouts from healing- from loss, from time left behind, from memories buried. Faith get's put on back burner, yet something nobody can take away, nor destroy. I just got your book on audible, can't wait to listen.
@mamaJmama Жыл бұрын
hugs Makayla..me to.❤
@makaylahollywood3677 Жыл бұрын
*hugs*❤
@Andrea-lp4bb Жыл бұрын
Jay, once again, thank you so very much for another incredible video. Your skill of describing this painful legacy is like no other experts I know of. I found myself in tears watching this. But in a way that is good. My painful childhood needs unpacking. I did not know what a Narcissistic mother was until 2012 & by then I was 36. All I knew was that I had so much pain & misery growing up & the insecurity I felt was unbearable. All the symptoms you describe were exactly how I felt & I had no idea at the time what I was dealing with. And how I’d come to feel that way. Guess I just feel so sorry for that little me who was so hurt, abused, and trapped. Keep doing what you’re doing. From little New Zealand 🇳🇿
@bethmoore7722 Жыл бұрын
My friends in grad school called me Caddie Compson. She was headstrong, passionate, and promiscuous, and the disgrace of the Compson family. She was also the only one who escaped the family’s strict adherence to hopelessness. She’s disowned, and that is her freedom. My story is a bizarre Southern Gothic tale, in which every day is opposites day. My brothers called me “wrong kind”, an allusion to the narrator’s mother’s words, in The Joy Luck Club, that she was “wrong kind” of daughter. I was not right from the moment my eugenicist mother saw my dark, curly hair, and thought I was someone else’s baby. As it turns out, I’m lucky I didn’t fit in with my family. It makes me feel like the normal daughter in “The Munsters.”
@juneelle370 Жыл бұрын
💙 I’m sorry you went through all this. It’s true these betrayals are so outrageous to the point of Gothic as you said. You have beautiful writing~you could write your story if you wanted ✍️
@dotsyjmaher Жыл бұрын
I ALSO identified with the girl on the Munsters..lol
@bethmoore7722 Жыл бұрын
@@juneelle370 Thank you! I have been a tech writer, and a writer/editor for a “progressive” website, but I haven’t written much lately. I’m going to take your kind comment as a reminder that I need to start writing. ❤️
@amberinthemist7912 Жыл бұрын
Very well put. I also identified with the girl from the munsters too!! Except for the opposite reason as my narc mom is greek and Portuguese. My narc order sister was her clone. I was the red headed step child Except I was birthed by her. I suspect there was never a time she didn't look at me with disgust from the moment of my birth.
@lovesings2us Жыл бұрын
IFS means breaking the family rules of unconscious self neglect and exile. For me, the family scapegoat, this takes courage. My therapist helps me by using IFS methods and I'm beginning to learn to help myself by listening more to my parts and speaking with them, in a healthy, caring way. Thank you so much for doing this amazing video! It gives me fresh hope. I especially appreciated hearing how exiles who are in deep despair from years of exile can, with patient work over time, be freed. I'll be working toward that goal. Please consider doing more videos about how we can heal through IFS.
@irenahabe285510 ай бұрын
🤗
@MariaSantana-ul5wd Жыл бұрын
So true, you can spend most of your life in self soothing if you were the scapegoat to a raging narcissistic parent. If you add gaslighting from the other codependent parent it is a double whammy and does a number on your brain and nervous system. It's crucial to find healthy ways to cope, especially not alcohol, because it burns you in the end and leads to more abuse by others. But God...
@basilrose Жыл бұрын
A blessing to have found your channel, thank you so much Dr. Reid ❤
@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Жыл бұрын
I agree
@ASMRyouVEGANyet Жыл бұрын
Please do a video about romantic relationships after getting away from narcissistic abuse. I feel like I can finally see myself in a relationship but I still have trouble accepting when someone admires me and shows interest in me. It makes me very uncomfortable. I'm sure I'm not the only one.
@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Жыл бұрын
Yes I understand this also…
@carospereman3537 Жыл бұрын
You have to admire yourself more !!! Everyday, all the time. You are so worth it and you deserve it. You have to go into the uncomfortable and at least experience it, take it in, and then give it back : D
@ASMRyouVEGANyet Жыл бұрын
@@carospereman3537 you really just took that as me not having confidence. It's much more complicated than that. I know it deserve love. Let the doctor do a video, thanks
@z1z2z3z Жыл бұрын
Thank you Jay! We are so strong for enduring this and coming out of it looking for the truth. “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”― Friedrich Nietzsche
@moirabij734 Жыл бұрын
I like this quote a lot. Thank you for sharing.
@z1z2z3z Жыл бұрын
@@moirabij734 You're welcome!! I think of it often. 😍
@lovesings2us Жыл бұрын
Oh...such an wise, amazing quotation! Thank you!
@SuzkaMares Жыл бұрын
Great quote! Love it
@z1z2z3z Жыл бұрын
@@lovesings2us So glad you like it!!!
@samandersson3407 Жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing this information.
@evelynross6144 Жыл бұрын
You’re really, really good at this.
@juneelle370 Жыл бұрын
The way you are able to see things from your rare, clear perspective and word them in every video is so helpful and amazing 🌀 sometimes left speechless in contemplation so commenting for the algorithm ☀️ thank you
@juneelle370 Жыл бұрын
Hello Jay, I hope you’re doing great and at least okay 🌼 you haven’t posted for a couple weeks (zero pressure!!!) and I know from another channel that psychotherapy can have challenges for the practitioner from listening to Daniel Mackler’s channel. I keep getting an internal nudge to share that name to you, so just going with it tonight finally~hope that’s ok. ✌️🌊⛵️🌊🌝
@dotsyjmaher Жыл бұрын
I have to laugh... As I listen to your amazing videos... Sitting alone I keeping grunting.... Ugh Uhm humh Uhm humh Ugh Ugh Uhm humh It is my pathetic life story in EVERY video...lol I am trying to heal... I recommend you to every person I encounter in online support groups... You REALLY are helpful, thank you
@flemutter7211 Жыл бұрын
I have never heard this so masterfully explained!
@antoniafiorenza Жыл бұрын
Thank you for another fascinating video Jay. I feel so recognised and supported by your nuanced, in-depth insights. I am aware from hearing you today, and from the story of the client you describe, of the sadness and exile of those parts of myself that didn't have a name, and are hard to integrate even in maturity. Now they feel less alone thanks to you.
@saamirmahmud7145 Жыл бұрын
I find it heart breaking wken i can identify and relate to so much of what you say to my child version and how the narcisst continues in her relentless murder and isolatoon pf myself. I will never forgivd this woman for as long as i live. She is evil and no mother but satan itself.
@Andrea-lp4bb Жыл бұрын
That is the perfect description of these monsters
@annewoods3528 Жыл бұрын
I can relate. They are predatory because they need victims.
@kiskakuznetsova503 Жыл бұрын
I love to see how many thumbs up you already have! Thank you for the video!
@annastone5624 Жыл бұрын
Dear Jay I’d love if you’d do a video on getting out of the cycle of being bullied as an adult. This is what I’ve experienced - ignoring it doesn’t make it go away and fighting back can expose you to more bullying especially if you are low down the social hierarchy. The only solution seems to be, apart from ongoing therapy, to avoid putting myself out there.. I see people write all the time about the abuse they’ve suffered, but I often wonder how bad was it really? ..when they manage to have successful careers, marriages, finances. Every time I try to advance my career a bully comes out of the woodwork and no one takes my side, they stand by and let them ruin my progress. It’s just devastating. I’m so talented and have such good will, but these people are really dangerous.
@chrisg7795 Жыл бұрын
Dear Anna, I’m experiencing that as well. From the eloquent way you are writing your comment I can tell that you’re intelligent and perceptive. I think there are many reasons for why bullying hits us more, and I even wonder if it’s actually more directed towards us than towards others. I found it frightening to think that I might radiate sth that attracts these bullies. What I rather think by now is that sick narcissism is sth that more and more people have. And with it come more flying monkeys. I can tell because I teach children and young adults and narcissistic personality disorder is on the rise - because more and more parents don’t set loving but strict boundaries or think that praising your child is the only way to be positive with them. Then - and I hope you don’t take me for an arrogant idiot - intelligent people are always competition for the ambitous. And you always get more ambitious fighters than emotionally intelligent teamworkers. And those fighters can be intelligent and malignant. I find that people like us who have a narcissistic family have more antennas, and usually we are truthtellers. That makes us enemies of all those who don’t like truth tellers…either because they have sth to hide like a bad narcissistic character or too much ambition or because as soon as sb tells the truth about wrongdoings and wrongdoers you have to choose sides - and flying monkeys don’t like that. They are those nice girls who are always so caring and nice and then talk about you behind your back. If I was in your company I would have your back ❤. I hate those dynamics. I try to take having enemies as a compliment. I think it’s our misfortune (?) to be able to tell weak characters at once because in our family they were those who we couldn’t count on and who made us just as scared as the bully. I think a large majority of people doesn’t like to show backbone. I’m proud that I do. And you as well, I’m quite sure about that. (I’m sorry for any mistakes I may make, I’m not a native English speaker)
@mailulamukheli227210 ай бұрын
I have had a similar history to yours, was scapegoated at home, in friends groups and at work. My advice will sound childish but you have to understand that the person you are dealing with is evil. One thing I do is scan people, after learning about narcissism it has become easier to identify them. I study every person I meet and as soon as I realize that narcissistic behavior i just start to avoid the person, and if they attack me emotionally I just mirror it back to them aka I start to also hate them. Do not speak or interact with them and try to think about these people less, if you ever do, do it in a hateful way. Don't force these types of relationships, also learn to be comfortable operating alone. Stop trying to love or be loved by these people, just check out
@shashi30722 ай бұрын
I experienced this over 3 decades it seemed like world is full of bullies and they find you wherever you go but it changed over period of time. Recently I have had more healthier relationship and this what I did. 1- I practiced vipassana meditation. It breaks toxic patterns of being in survival mode all the time. You release pain trauma fear and anxiety from your system. 2- Realize that we as human beings are here to learn from our mistakes and become best version of ourselves no matter what we have been through in the past. 3- We don't solve other's problems. We encourage persons efforts to solve their own issues (suggest therapy) period. 4- When your gut tells you something acknowledge it write it down or make mental note of it do not ignore or try to diffuse with logic. 5- Know there are very wise people and absolutely evil ones out there. Instead of trying to find good in everything train yourself to see things just the way they are (vipassana teaches this). 6- If someone bothers you confront them and tell them you don't like what they are doing .ask if they have any issues with you you are open to discussion CALMLY. The moment you take a stand for yourself bullies run away with tail between their legs. 6- Write ✍ down 10 points every day why you deserve best of everything in all aspects of your life. Imagine mother nature as your best friend who grants your every wish and tell her everything you feel and need. I hope these pointers help. Best of luck.
@annastone56242 ай бұрын
Sorry I didn’t see this comment till now. Thank you so much @chrisg7795 we sound very similar... I’d have your back too 💖
@annastone56242 ай бұрын
Just seeing your comment now, thank you so much @mailulamukheli2272 I agree with everything you say. I think it’s really good advice and it’s how I try to operate these days.
@sarahw7616 Жыл бұрын
IFS therapy is great. Huge amount of healing! I got an IFS workbook online and did it myself. Supplimented with Jays book and pete walkers book. Good stuff👍. Scapegoats really can recover!!!
@flemutter7211 Жыл бұрын
What is IFS therapy?
@juliekeener9730 Жыл бұрын
@@flemutter7211 Internal Family Systems
@aquariusstar72484 ай бұрын
This developing compassion for exiled parts of ourselves is a beautiful healing process. I've been working on practicing self-compassion for over a year, and I've never looked at it through the lens of "parts work." Now that I know scapegoat survivors have exiled parts of themselves to survive, I'm even more motivated and conscientious about doing this work more intentionally and consistently for recovery of these abandoned parts. Healing is possible! Thank you, Jay!❤❤🙏🏾🙏🏾
@ayesha8809 Жыл бұрын
Jay thank you so much for these videos 😢. The timing of this one is especially apt for me. I'm reminding myself that these are not my feelings but were placed upon me. Thank you thank you so much Jay🙏❤️
@bellaluce708810 ай бұрын
Stunned once again by the depth of your insight and "getting it," Jay! *THANK YOU* for articulating these subtle inner nuances!!! Hearing examples of patients who improve (and how) is so helpful. HOPE is HEALING, and makes doing the work so much easier.
@Mangomanyes Жыл бұрын
Many thanks Jay, from London
@eatingsushi3408 Жыл бұрын
You were describing me!!! Thank you so much, you're helping me a ton, I finally feel myself and see hope
@moirabij734 Жыл бұрын
Thank you, Jay. Again such a helpful video describing how our different inner parts have a role to play. I am learning how to recognise and integrate all of my parts.
@ReneeMichellercvGrace2 Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for your videos and webinar. Helpful is an understatement as I navigate through loss and grief... I'm presently in a hotel room, displaced after hurricane Ian, my condo building still in disrepair, and after gratefully having my Mom's to go to before bridges closed, back in Sept. 22, even though she had written me off months prior in complete gaslighting rejection, she had the obligation as a "good" Mom to let me come to her concrete, mainland home. It wasn't long before harsh realities came crashing down and there was no more denying how desperately I needed to get away from, what I've come to call, killing me covertly, yet ever so harshly with her "love". Long story short, she scapegoated me, possibly for the last time, and now it's a done deal, by penalty of law that we have no contact. I'm working through disillusion. I was always rewarded for keeping up the façade of the "happy" family, and through my own hard work in recovery, I was not willing to placate to lies anymore which made her abuse worse. Most days are still brutal, as she's now even turned my own adult children against me. I never imagined I'd be where I am, yet as heartbreaking as it all is there's also moments of great relief, freedom in truth. Because I'm on a very limited budget, I've had to stop counseling. I am beyond grateful for your wisdom, "exercises", insights... videos, that are helping bring healing, hope, patience... with the assurance that I am right where I need to be, and not only is nothing wasted, I AM WORTHY OF LOVE, ACCEPTANCE... and am so very delightful!
@micheleparadis2808 Жыл бұрын
thank you
@shartosi6667 ай бұрын
I have watched 1000s of videos on this topic over the years but this example of 'Joe' explains my behavior the best.
@michaelsager5688 Жыл бұрын
I was Joe! Perfect explanation
@Joshdifferent Жыл бұрын
Listening to your video while riding my bike. Thanks ❤
@onehuman532511 ай бұрын
Jay you have provided understanding and healing from a horrible virus in the human condition. Thankyou
@truthl0ver777 Жыл бұрын
No one’s ever nailed it so hard. Thank you for your work 🙏❤️ thank you for validating my feelings and putting words to the feelings and occurrences of my childhood. I could never put it in words. Well now that I can I can see it for what it is even more clearly, thus helping me to be more “normal”
@CaramelMsDelight6 ай бұрын
These videos have been life changing for me!! Thank you for continuing to add value ❤🙏🏽
@carlorizzo827 Жыл бұрын
Phew. Painfully accurate. It took a long time to recognize i was scape🐐. Parents & older sib were immigrants. I can vouch for it: immigration breaks the heart, wrecked their lives. As the 1st born in the USA, my existence represented the cause of their suffering.
@patwilliams9907 Жыл бұрын
WOW!! Thank You Jay!!! Listening to this video made me realize YOU have already brought me past the place that you work on in this video. It is a blessing and a wonderful place to be. I truly believe You have blessed my life. And I Thank You! God Bless You! Just today I was contemplating my childhood, and how it actually has played out in my life to this point. I believe God needed me to be strong, without the need for anyone's acceptance. Had I been coddled as child, I would not have been equipped with the necessary armor God needs me to be equipped with. ThankYou!
@vemo916 Жыл бұрын
Very informative. Thank you for your insights. I am becoming more aware of these parts along my journey. I would love to see more videos about this subject.
@melaniekelly1849 Жыл бұрын
Jay, I love that you are bringing in IFS and telling how the different parts may have been created during narcissistic abuse; that was super interesting and helpful! I really appreciate your videos; they're helping me so much in making sense of what happened and how my life has been affected. Thank you!
@universaltruth2025 Жыл бұрын
I grew up with a narcissist father and dismissive avoidant mother. I saw her as the benign kind parent because she was the only one doing any parenting. But in hindsight and in reality she was emotionally absent most of the time preferring to stay in a busy world of her own thoughts and activities. She did enough to feel as though she was doing the job of a good parent. In any case I think dismissive avoidant parents can be just as damaging as narcissistic parents because they just aren’t emotionally checked in. She was very inconsistent with how she would act - loving & kind one minute - usually the end of the day when she was trying to coax me off to sleep, then cold, dismissive and irritated the next - usually during the day or in public. So I was always just hanging on for the next positive reinforcement. At least with my father I knew just not to bother expecting anything but anger usually. But my mother sort of got a free pass - put on a pedestal by us all for being so selfless but in reality she was really checked out the majority of the time and only engaged enough to keep us hanging on for more. Basically intermittent reinforcement which is the strongest type of behavioural conditioning. I’m finding it really hard as an adult to break free of wanting her approval to self regulate. It makes me angry that I needed it so much but got so little (from both parents).
@ioanasilvia1 Жыл бұрын
Thank you! ❤
@izawaniek2568 Жыл бұрын
Thank you for your incredible help and support ❤
@benrees8797 Жыл бұрын
The is the video that resonates the most with me. I am blown away by this information. Gives me new hope that I can heal further from my situation. So much thanks x
@SendItForward Жыл бұрын
I was so controlled by my mother as a child that I didn't know which end was up. I believe I was a pleaser from birth because I can't remember when it started. I just know that as I grew older I became more and more withdrawn and depressed, like a flower which blooms in the coolness of the morning and retracts from the heat except I stayed closed. Her husband was an alcoholic and would beat me with anything within his reach if I told him the truth about something that happened yet, if I told him what he wanted to hear, I would be spared. It's a wonder I didn't become a raging alcoholic or sociopath but I learned a lot from that ole drunkard...some people can't handle the truth so lie your a** off if "they" ask or tell em the truth with both fists ready. I learned there are many realities. Mine, yours and everyone else's and to make mine run quietly in the background as unseen as is possible because it wasn't very important or even necessary since I inhabited mostly in someone else's. All this to say, after bearing children I had to have my own reality, as clumsy and disheveled as I felt and not knowing even how to be a great mother, only knowing the "do nots" that have been seared into my heart. I can't go back down that path and redo or undo some uninformed choices I made out of fear or just plain ole inexperience but I can make better choices now. It's not too late to make my presence count and to offer an understanding hand towards another soul who needs it, as you have and are doing for me through your videos, Mr Reid. I only wish I could have discovered your insights on narcissism 30 years ago but no looking back now, only full speed ahead. Too much water has passed under that bridge as it is. God bless You and Yours and keep em coming!!
@WuHongLee Жыл бұрын
The worst thing about being a scapegoat is the realization that the only reason that your parent didn't kill you as an infant is because they were too much of a coward.
@notmarealnameboi Жыл бұрын
I am doing IFS, my parts are very similar to the example; my life is very similar to the example. Thanks, I am watching your videos almost daily. I am finding them very helpful.
@TheLordsbattleaxe10 ай бұрын
Yes to those questions again.
@franciscoguevara9727 Жыл бұрын
I grew up in a narc family system my dad was the narc , and i lived 2 years alone with him in a country that wasnt miy own, i had to walk on eggshells and and he took out probablyt the anger of the divorce out on me he truly believes he' is perfect or whatever and has a brain that dismisses accoutnability, but as explained also feels incredibly inadequate so they need to take it out on someone. I coped by drinking alcohol, after ileft that house, and got sober, then i heard about supoprt groups for trauma, and there i was believed by a safe enough other person as survivor and got the tools of gentleness on myself and healthy boundaries modeled to me, when i started integrating them and following through with healthy boundaries my inner child and true self (identity/sense of self) came out, and now im the loving parent who loves honors and protects attunes and speaks up for that child. IF someone has lived with a narcisist and perhaps specially alone you understand that they target selfesteem and stuff like that , etc. When i was believed and started aplplying the modeled tools of gentleness and healthyboundaries my inner child /true self / selfcame out and it feels like i recconected to my true self and sense of self, and now i look for safe enough people to connect with and get my needs met and try taking my space int the world and sharing my true self,with the world. I still have some pain to reaprent and witness, and sometimes I dissoiate and numb out with caffeine, but i keep trying to keep gentleness humor love and respect for my recovery process, chose safe enough people, reparent myself and inner child when i need to and stay attuned and true to my inner child.......................................... We are worth it......................i find ifs complicated, and i also know that complicated things is what narcs love when they move the goal post around and say that "they understand thigns" and others dont so trust them, as they continue to be selfish abusive and try to make it all about them, something similar happened with polyvagal theory there was awoman who started promoting that in some of the groups i go and talking in jibberish from polyvagal and awanting people to delegate to her because "she got it " and others didnt it. IT was a way of controlling for her and being abisve and making it all about her. I have to be gentle and keep healthy bounadries and integrity and attunement to my inner child and true slef and keep choosing safe enough people to connect with and get my valid needs met and attune to my different needs, of my inner family, without complciating things , but staying connected to my true self and inner child and reparenting him as well. We are worth it . God speed . with gentlenesshumorlove. andrespect . were worthit
@ileanaprofeanu7626 Жыл бұрын
Thank you for the video, very informative. I wonder how this multiple parts model would apply to other child roles. I think that regardless of role, there is no place for showing empathy in the narcissistic family
@estrick4854 Жыл бұрын
Excellent video…thank you!!
@Natashaleah9 Жыл бұрын
Very useful. Thank you.
@yl50209 ай бұрын
Thank you
@freywatson752 Жыл бұрын
Been watching your vids. Thank you for your work. I wish i had felt the need to look into myself earlier and research this info. It would have saved me a lot of grief and regret.
@stacykelly7651 Жыл бұрын
Thank you Jay. I do so look forward to Fridays.
@judywinters86158 ай бұрын
this is exactly me I dont know if I will ever be able to beat this. the abuse is killing me
@debbiekillewald838410 ай бұрын
This is exactly what I've gone through.
@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Жыл бұрын
Thank you Jay 🙏
@sarahlongstaff5101 Жыл бұрын
Wow! This is me.
@gregorygan207710 ай бұрын
OMG that's genius
@CurtisMoe3 ай бұрын
This one hit me hard on the lonliness topic.
@fenixrise1272 Жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for your videos. They are so helpful. Can you please talk about the constant feeling of being an awful person? It was a Mother’s Day yesterday and we had a few women in our lives over for lunch. I found it hard to look at my mother and although I gave her gifts and said the obligatory Happy Mother’s Day, I didn’t what she expected - write her a long card and talk excessively what a great mother she was. I was very tense and although I didn’t say or do anything overtly hurtful, just letting her down and registering her annoyance with me is plaguing me again. How do I stop constantly feeling like I’m such an awful person because I didn’t give my mother what she wanted?
@robinhendrix6611 ай бұрын
Hi, you'll have to go no contact with your entire family to get what you want - to stop feeling like a bad person. If you can't financially cut the ties, then do it emotionally. Don't respond to their nonsense, cut off nasty talk from them the moment it starts, and get busy being somewhere else physically and emotionally.
@Lyrielonwind Жыл бұрын
Hello Jay: I would like to know what is your opinion about EMDR for the processing of trauma. Is it scientifically proven or is it pseudo science? Thanks.
@hawaiigirl808910 ай бұрын
I hate myself lots of times. Cheerleader for others
@robinhendrix6611 ай бұрын
Hi Jay. I love your vidéos, so thanks for giving them to us. I wonder if you could address the issues of Scapegoats as parents. I parented my children in the patterns I was shown as a child. The crushing memories and the guilt of how I screamed or controlled or whatever are haunting me and holding me back from completing the journey. I was literally recreating my mother's life down to the tiniest details, probably to get her love. I acted like a narcissist until I heard about therapy. I broke the chain, the psychiatrist told me, but it was too late to undo the damage I did to myself and others from lack of knowledge. I'm getting OK with what happened to me, but it's hard to find compassion for myself when the thoughts of my harshness towards my two dear children invade my head. I've apoligized to them and explained what had happened, and I believe they accept that. We Skype each week if they're available. There are no therapists specializing in scapegoat recovery where I live, and I won't waste time with uninformed therapists any longer, but the many videos on KZfaq are helping, I think. I went NO CONTACT with my four sisters last month. Never felt more relief.
@merrill5780 Жыл бұрын
I've wondered about this. I used to draw as a child and mom taped the pics up,there'd be a line of them. More than once I was so frustrated I tore them all down, ripped to tiny pieces, all my work. She'd ask, do you feel better now, smirk? What was this? Can anyone relate?
@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Жыл бұрын
Modes- that was very controlled and twisted. Hard to pin anything on her if anyone was looking in- and yet there would be an icky, sticky energy that people would ignore. My mother was consistently savagely cruel with lots of rages- no mental illness or addictions, only very recently have I started to connect that my father was more than enabling. Having said all that I married a man that was is a creature like your mother. That was child abuse. Compassion and healing to you. Remember healing time does not follow calendar time. It ebbs and flows.
@merrill5780 Жыл бұрын
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 wow, this is so kind of you, thank you. Yes I married one too. Hard to look into this for the first time at my age and see the wasteland. It's either sink or try though.
@lisaperez8276 Жыл бұрын
20k🎉
@notrocketscience19506 ай бұрын
that my mother
@danitaoliver2648 ай бұрын
Jay, I’m unable to access your ebook on the 4#ways to Heal, Can you Help???????❤🔥
@youareprecious91084 ай бұрын
How do I connect to my "inner experience" ? I feel something inside but have no words for it atm
@israelperez6277 Жыл бұрын
Can you do narcissistic abuse and drug addiction?
@nancybartley46109 ай бұрын
Why can I not listen to these videos without crying? Why do I suddenly realize I've been crying again during the night and day? One of the reasons I've given up on therapy is not being able to stop the crying which I believe is repugnant to the therapist. It disgusts me about me.
@annmarieburton9624Ай бұрын
I'm like double double double double bingo here. I have a narcissistic mum with my dad enabling her. I have a narcissistic ex and because I stopped giving him hundreds a fortnight for drugs I'm the bad person. I have adhd and autism and Iunavle to pay for proper therapy/support... what do I do
@annmarieburton9624Ай бұрын
I live in the UK and out helth service sucks because of brexic and selling our nhs to private which poor peeps like me because I refuse dla can't afford...plus they don't have any services to deal with narcissistic abuse...
@deathuponusalll Жыл бұрын
I always wondered why I was never assertive and could go after my goals and or needs, always putting myself last ,finally I understand 🥲 thank you Mr. Reid you’ve helped me and my therapist better understand what it is I need to do to get better in life
@leep6279 Жыл бұрын
Thankyou thankyou thankyou 💜🙏
@suzannebunbury2961 Жыл бұрын
Wonderfully helpful. Your content is platinum. I bought your book on Amazon, thank you for living it, learning it and writing it. I hope it becomes a best seller. ❤️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🏆