I knew for decades after my childhood I was the scapegoat -- although I got out as soon as possible and put up physical and emotional boundaries -- I never understood how my behavior reflexed my entire life afterward. I am in my 70s, with a happy life, and still feel the effects of playing that role -- that even then I knew didn't really fit and was fraught with misconceptions about who I was and what I truly felt. I knew it from the age of three. My gift to myself is to, hopefully, discover and live as the true "me" for the brief time I have left on this planet. You are helping in that very important endeavor -- so I may at last stand in my own light. Thank you.

You are perfectly describing how I grew up and how I was taught to see myself.

Growing up with a narcissist is like growing up in a nasty cult that codes you to loathe yourself and worship the narcissist.

My mother was like a bull in a china shop and I was the china shop It was a variation though. I was like a scapegoat confident required to listen to all her grief until it was also my own These videos have helped me see why soothing her, comforting her and solving her problems was so primary for me for so long

Great video! Just the way you described a child has to connect with a parent despite all the toxicity made me cringe. The memory of this is so tangible. Just the thought of physical closeness or even hearing my mother's voice makes my skin crawl. It's a physical reaction I can't ignore any more.

I'm in the process of accepting different parts of myself and giving them all a home in my new life. I've been applying for new jobs and at first I found it very challenging to promote myself and celebrate my achievements in interviews but I think bit by bit I've become a lot more comfortable with that side of myself and today I had an interview where I felt really confident in my abilities and didn't second guess myself. It was a huge achievement in my recovery. 😊

I am a scapegoat child survivor. Your videos describe exactly what my situation was. Thank you for putting this online. What I want to share is. I once heard from the inner child. And it was written that one can ask the inner child what it needs and what it wants. In the morning, right away after waking up. And then the child say words. And you write these words afterwards down. In a notepad on the left side and with the left hand. Then, on the right side, you, as a benevolent adult, speak to the child as a mother would do. On the right side in the notepad, you write with your right hand down what you want to say to the child. Your subconscious understands the words from the child because it's YOU. So, the child is seen. After I read this description in the evening.... Next morning, my inner child began to speak to me. That was the first time my inner child was seen and heard! Sometimes, during a day, I found myself talking to myself. I said, I am here, and I don't leave you. I hold you tight. I am here. I love you. I didn't know, who is this? It's like I am the mother of the child, who never had a mother. The child said sometimes. "I am not here." (Because it had to desapear in the inner world. To no existence) But now I heard the child saying: "I want to be here again." It takes time... The three pillars help me too. From Mr. Reid. I am on pillar 1. Making sense of what happened. My mother was a covert narcissist. My mother was not benevolent to me. She was hostlie. I believe this is my time of healing. I am healed. These believe sentences help me also for direction.

I have done a lot of IFS with my trauma therapist for my scapegoat role. Very effective!

That's so spot on - the parent that says they love you, but you don't feel loved (the parent rolls their eyes in exasperation when you want something). This has always made me feel guilty - that they said the right things but it wasn't enough for me somehow - like I must've been expecting too much therefore. What more did I want?! I got fed and a roof over my head!.... I was expected to be grateful, which has had the unfortunate effect of turning gratitude into a chore, such that even now I feel like being grateful is something I should do rather than something that I want to do.

I always knew there was someone else inside of me. She showed up unexpectedly. One time in graduate school, I all of a sudden sat up in bed and asked 'Why are my needs so repulsive?' I was really surprised because I was not consciously thinking that at all. The unexpected thoughts and dreams helped me understand how I really felt. They broke through in a big way when I realized my ex has been exploiting me the whole time. I contacted my inner parts directly by asking them how they felt. Their replies broke my heart. I resolved to contact them every day. I have been doing that for more than 2 years. It is tremendously helpful and eye-opening. Today is my birthday. I feel so hopeful. I really like the qualities I possess, that the monster tired so hard to destroy but failed. My birthday gift to myself is to watch the movie 'Snow White'.

Yes, coping for so long- now, healing-mostly alone. I've walked away from so many. Have few trusted friends. Parents are gone- this was a time when things got worse. Parents die, siblings carry on with dynamics. Forgotten gifts, strengths..use books, nature, hobbies to keep me engaged in a meaningful life. Still grieve, look for sprouts from healing- from loss, from time left behind, from memories buried. Faith get's put on back burner, yet something nobody can take away, nor destroy. I just got your book on audible, can't wait to listen.

Jay, once again, thank you so very much for another incredible video. Your skill of describing this painful legacy is like no other experts I know of. I found myself in tears watching this. But in a way that is good. My painful childhood needs unpacking. I did not know what a Narcissistic mother was until 2012 & by then I was 36. All I knew was that I had so much pain & misery growing up & the insecurity I felt was unbearable. All the symptoms you describe were exactly how I felt & I had no idea at the time what I was dealing with. And how I’d come to feel that way. Guess I just feel so sorry for that little me who was so hurt, abused, and trapped. Keep doing what you’re doing. From little New Zealand 🇳🇿

My friends in grad school called me Caddie Compson. She was headstrong, passionate, and promiscuous, and the disgrace of the Compson family. She was also the only one who escaped the family’s strict adherence to hopelessness. She’s disowned, and that is her freedom. My story is a bizarre Southern Gothic tale, in which every day is opposites day. My brothers called me “wrong kind”, an allusion to the narrator’s mother’s words, in The Joy Luck Club, that she was “wrong kind” of daughter. I was not right from the moment my eugenicist mother saw my dark, curly hair, and thought I was someone else’s baby. As it turns out, I’m lucky I didn’t fit in with my family. It makes me feel like the normal daughter in “The Munsters.”

IFS means breaking the family rules of unconscious self neglect and exile. For me, the family scapegoat, this takes courage. My therapist helps me by using IFS methods and I'm beginning to learn to help myself by listening more to my parts and speaking with them, in a healthy, caring way. Thank you so much for doing this amazing video! It gives me fresh hope. I especially appreciated hearing how exiles who are in deep despair from years of exile can, with patient work over time, be freed. I'll be working toward that goal. Please consider doing more videos about how we can heal through IFS.

So true, you can spend most of your life in self soothing if you were the scapegoat to a raging narcissistic parent. If you add gaslighting from the other codependent parent it is a double whammy and does a number on your brain and nervous system. It's crucial to find healthy ways to cope, especially not alcohol, because it burns you in the end and leads to more abuse by others. But God...

A blessing to have found your channel, thank you so much Dr. Reid ❤

Please do a video about romantic relationships after getting away from narcissistic abuse. I feel like I can finally see myself in a relationship but I still have trouble accepting when someone admires me and shows interest in me. It makes me very uncomfortable. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Thank you Jay! We are so strong for enduring this and coming out of it looking for the truth. “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”― Friedrich Nietzsche

Thank you for sharing this information.

You’re really, really good at this.

The way you are able to see things from your rare, clear perspective and word them in every video is so helpful and amazing 🌀 sometimes left speechless in contemplation so commenting for the algorithm ☀️ thank you

I have to laugh... As I listen to your amazing videos... Sitting alone I keeping grunting.... Ugh Uhm humh Uhm humh Ugh Ugh Uhm humh It is my pathetic life story in EVERY video...lol I am trying to heal... I recommend you to every person I encounter in online support groups... You REALLY are helpful, thank you

I have never heard this so masterfully explained!

Thank you for another fascinating video Jay. I feel so recognised and supported by your nuanced, in-depth insights. I am aware from hearing you today, and from the story of the client you describe, of the sadness and exile of those parts of myself that didn't have a name, and are hard to integrate even in maturity. Now they feel less alone thanks to you.

I find it heart breaking wken i can identify and relate to so much of what you say to my child version and how the narcisst continues in her relentless murder and isolatoon pf myself. I will never forgivd this woman for as long as i live. She is evil and no mother but satan itself.

I love to see how many thumbs up you already have! Thank you for the video!

Dear Jay I’d love if you’d do a video on getting out of the cycle of being bullied as an adult. This is what I’ve experienced - ignoring it doesn’t make it go away and fighting back can expose you to more bullying especially if you are low down the social hierarchy. The only solution seems to be, apart from ongoing therapy, to avoid putting myself out there.. I see people write all the time about the abuse they’ve suffered, but I often wonder how bad was it really? ..when they manage to have successful careers, marriages, finances. Every time I try to advance my career a bully comes out of the woodwork and no one takes my side, they stand by and let them ruin my progress. It’s just devastating. I’m so talented and have such good will, but these people are really dangerous.

IFS therapy is great. Huge amount of healing! I got an IFS workbook online and did it myself. Supplimented with Jays book and pete walkers book. Good stuff👍. Scapegoats really can recover!!!

This developing compassion for exiled parts of ourselves is a beautiful healing process. I've been working on practicing self-compassion for over a year, and I've never looked at it through the lens of "parts work." Now that I know scapegoat survivors have exiled parts of themselves to survive, I'm even more motivated and conscientious about doing this work more intentionally and consistently for recovery of these abandoned parts. Healing is possible! Thank you, Jay!❤❤🙏🏾🙏🏾

Jay thank you so much for these videos 😢. The timing of this one is especially apt for me. I'm reminding myself that these are not my feelings but were placed upon me. Thank you thank you so much Jay🙏❤️

Stunned once again by the depth of your insight and "getting it," Jay! *THANK YOU* for articulating these subtle inner nuances!!! Hearing examples of patients who improve (and how) is so helpful. HOPE is HEALING, and makes doing the work so much easier.

Many thanks Jay, from London

You were describing me!!! Thank you so much, you're helping me a ton, I finally feel myself and see hope

Thank you, Jay. Again such a helpful video describing how our different inner parts have a role to play. I am learning how to recognise and integrate all of my parts.

Thank you so much for your videos and webinar. Helpful is an understatement as I navigate through loss and grief... I'm presently in a hotel room, displaced after hurricane Ian, my condo building still in disrepair, and after gratefully having my Mom's to go to before bridges closed, back in Sept. 22, even though she had written me off months prior in complete gaslighting rejection, she had the obligation as a "good" Mom to let me come to her concrete, mainland home. It wasn't long before harsh realities came crashing down and there was no more denying how desperately I needed to get away from, what I've come to call, killing me covertly, yet ever so harshly with her "love". Long story short, she scapegoated me, possibly for the last time, and now it's a done deal, by penalty of law that we have no contact. I'm working through disillusion. I was always rewarded for keeping up the façade of the "happy" family, and through my own hard work in recovery, I was not willing to placate to lies anymore which made her abuse worse. Most days are still brutal, as she's now even turned my own adult children against me. I never imagined I'd be where I am, yet as heartbreaking as it all is there's also moments of great relief, freedom in truth. Because I'm on a very limited budget, I've had to stop counseling. I am beyond grateful for your wisdom, "exercises", insights... videos, that are helping bring healing, hope, patience... with the assurance that I am right where I need to be, and not only is nothing wasted, I AM WORTHY OF LOVE, ACCEPTANCE... and am so very delightful!

thank you

I have watched 1000s of videos on this topic over the years but this example of 'Joe' explains my behavior the best.

I was Joe! Perfect explanation

Listening to your video while riding my bike. Thanks ❤

Jay you have provided understanding and healing from a horrible virus in the human condition. Thankyou

No one’s ever nailed it so hard. Thank you for your work 🙏❤️ thank you for validating my feelings and putting words to the feelings and occurrences of my childhood. I could never put it in words. Well now that I can I can see it for what it is even more clearly, thus helping me to be more “normal”

These videos have been life changing for me!! Thank you for continuing to add value ❤🙏🏽

Phew. Painfully accurate. It took a long time to recognize i was scape🐐. Parents & older sib were immigrants. I can vouch for it: immigration breaks the heart, wrecked their lives. As the 1st born in the USA, my existence represented the cause of their suffering.

WOW!! Thank You Jay!!! Listening to this video made me realize YOU have already brought me past the place that you work on in this video. It is a blessing and a wonderful place to be. I truly believe You have blessed my life. And I Thank You! God Bless You! Just today I was contemplating my childhood, and how it actually has played out in my life to this point. I believe God needed me to be strong, without the need for anyone's acceptance. Had I been coddled as child, I would not have been equipped with the necessary armor God needs me to be equipped with. ThankYou!

Very informative. Thank you for your insights. I am becoming more aware of these parts along my journey. I would love to see more videos about this subject.

Jay, I love that you are bringing in IFS and telling how the different parts may have been created during narcissistic abuse; that was super interesting and helpful! I really appreciate your videos; they're helping me so much in making sense of what happened and how my life has been affected. Thank you!

I grew up with a narcissist father and dismissive avoidant mother. I saw her as the benign kind parent because she was the only one doing any parenting. But in hindsight and in reality she was emotionally absent most of the time preferring to stay in a busy world of her own thoughts and activities. She did enough to feel as though she was doing the job of a good parent. In any case I think dismissive avoidant parents can be just as damaging as narcissistic parents because they just aren’t emotionally checked in. She was very inconsistent with how she would act - loving & kind one minute - usually the end of the day when she was trying to coax me off to sleep, then cold, dismissive and irritated the next - usually during the day or in public. So I was always just hanging on for the next positive reinforcement. At least with my father I knew just not to bother expecting anything but anger usually. But my mother sort of got a free pass - put on a pedestal by us all for being so selfless but in reality she was really checked out the majority of the time and only engaged enough to keep us hanging on for more. Basically intermittent reinforcement which is the strongest type of behavioural conditioning. I’m finding it really hard as an adult to break free of wanting her approval to self regulate. It makes me angry that I needed it so much but got so little (from both parents).

Thank you! ❤

Thank you for your incredible help and support ❤

The is the video that resonates the most with me. I am blown away by this information. Gives me new hope that I can heal further from my situation. So much thanks x

I was so controlled by my mother as a child that I didn't know which end was up. I believe I was a pleaser from birth because I can't remember when it started. I just know that as I grew older I became more and more withdrawn and depressed, like a flower which blooms in the coolness of the morning and retracts from the heat except I stayed closed. Her husband was an alcoholic and would beat me with anything within his reach if I told him the truth about something that happened yet, if I told him what he wanted to hear, I would be spared. It's a wonder I didn't become a raging alcoholic or sociopath but I learned a lot from that ole drunkard...some people can't handle the truth so lie your a** off if "they" ask or tell em the truth with both fists ready. I learned there are many realities. Mine, yours and everyone else's and to make mine run quietly in the background as unseen as is possible because it wasn't very important or even necessary since I inhabited mostly in someone else's. All this to say, after bearing children I had to have my own reality, as clumsy and disheveled as I felt and not knowing even how to be a great mother, only knowing the "do nots" that have been seared into my heart. I can't go back down that path and redo or undo some uninformed choices I made out of fear or just plain ole inexperience but I can make better choices now. It's not too late to make my presence count and to offer an understanding hand towards another soul who needs it, as you have and are doing for me through your videos, Mr Reid. I only wish I could have discovered your insights on narcissism 30 years ago but no looking back now, only full speed ahead. Too much water has passed under that bridge as it is. God bless You and Yours and keep em coming!!

The worst thing about being a scapegoat is the realization that the only reason that your parent didn't kill you as an infant is because they were too much of a coward.

I am doing IFS, my parts are very similar to the example; my life is very similar to the example. Thanks, I am watching your videos almost daily. I am finding them very helpful.

Yes to those questions again.

I grew up in a narc family system my dad was the narc , and i lived 2 years alone with him in a country that wasnt miy own, i had to walk on eggshells and and he took out probablyt the anger of the divorce out on me he truly believes he' is perfect or whatever and has a brain that dismisses accoutnability, but as explained also feels incredibly inadequate so they need to take it out on someone. I coped by drinking alcohol, after ileft that house, and got sober, then i heard about supoprt groups for trauma, and there i was believed by a safe enough other person as survivor and got the tools of gentleness on myself and healthy boundaries modeled to me, when i started integrating them and following through with healthy boundaries my inner child and true self (identity/sense of self) came out, and now im the loving parent who loves honors and protects attunes and speaks up for that child. IF someone has lived with a narcisist and perhaps specially alone you understand that they target selfesteem and stuff like that , etc. When i was believed and started aplplying the modeled tools of gentleness and healthyboundaries my inner child /true self / selfcame out and it feels like i recconected to my true self and sense of self, and now i look for safe enough people to connect with and get my needs met and try taking my space int the world and sharing my true self,with the world. I still have some pain to reaprent and witness, and sometimes I dissoiate and numb out with caffeine, but i keep trying to keep gentleness humor love and respect for my recovery process, chose safe enough people, reparent myself and inner child when i need to and stay attuned and true to my inner child.......................................... We are worth it......................i find ifs complicated, and i also know that complicated things is what narcs love when they move the goal post around and say that "they understand thigns" and others dont so trust them, as they continue to be selfish abusive and try to make it all about them, something similar happened with polyvagal theory there was awoman who started promoting that in some of the groups i go and talking in jibberish from polyvagal and awanting people to delegate to her because "she got it " and others didnt it. IT was a way of controlling for her and being abisve and making it all about her. I have to be gentle and keep healthy bounadries and integrity and attunement to my inner child and true slef and keep choosing safe enough people to connect with and get my valid needs met and attune to my different needs, of my inner family, without complciating things , but staying connected to my true self and inner child and reparenting him as well. We are worth it . God speed . with gentlenesshumorlove. andrespect . were worthit

Thank you for the video, very informative. I wonder how this multiple parts model would apply to other child roles. I think that regardless of role, there is no place for showing empathy in the narcissistic family

Excellent video…thank you!!

Very useful. Thank you.

Thank you

Been watching your vids. Thank you for your work. I wish i had felt the need to look into myself earlier and research this info. It would have saved me a lot of grief and regret.

Thank you Jay. I do so look forward to Fridays.

this is exactly me I dont know if I will ever be able to beat this. the abuse is killing me

This is exactly what I've gone through.

Thank you Jay 🙏

Wow! This is me.

OMG that's genius

This one hit me hard on the lonliness topic.

Thank you so much for your videos. They are so helpful. Can you please talk about the constant feeling of being an awful person? It was a Mother’s Day yesterday and we had a few women in our lives over for lunch. I found it hard to look at my mother and although I gave her gifts and said the obligatory Happy Mother’s Day, I didn’t what she expected - write her a long card and talk excessively what a great mother she was. I was very tense and although I didn’t say or do anything overtly hurtful, just letting her down and registering her annoyance with me is plaguing me again. How do I stop constantly feeling like I’m such an awful person because I didn’t give my mother what she wanted?

Hello Jay: I would like to know what is your opinion about EMDR for the processing of trauma. Is it scientifically proven or is it pseudo science? Thanks.

I hate myself lots of times. Cheerleader for others

Hi Jay. I love your vidéos, so thanks for giving them to us. I wonder if you could address the issues of Scapegoats as parents. I parented my children in the patterns I was shown as a child. The crushing memories and the guilt of how I screamed or controlled or whatever are haunting me and holding me back from completing the journey. I was literally recreating my mother's life down to the tiniest details, probably to get her love. I acted like a narcissist until I heard about therapy. I broke the chain, the psychiatrist told me, but it was too late to undo the damage I did to myself and others from lack of knowledge. I'm getting OK with what happened to me, but it's hard to find compassion for myself when the thoughts of my harshness towards my two dear children invade my head. I've apoligized to them and explained what had happened, and I believe they accept that. We Skype each week if they're available. There are no therapists specializing in scapegoat recovery where I live, and I won't waste time with uninformed therapists any longer, but the many videos on KZfaq are helping, I think. I went NO CONTACT with my four sisters last month. Never felt more relief.

I've wondered about this. I used to draw as a child and mom taped the pics up,there'd be a line of them. More than once I was so frustrated I tore them all down, ripped to tiny pieces, all my work. She'd ask, do you feel better now, smirk? What was this? Can anyone relate?

20k🎉

that my mother

Jay, I’m unable to access your ebook on the 4#ways to Heal, Can you Help???????❤‍🔥

How do I connect to my "inner experience" ? I feel something inside but have no words for it atm

Can you do narcissistic abuse and drug addiction?

Why can I not listen to these videos without crying? Why do I suddenly realize I've been crying again during the night and day? One of the reasons I've given up on therapy is not being able to stop the crying which I believe is repugnant to the therapist. It disgusts me about me.

I'm like double double double double bingo here. I have a narcissistic mum with my dad enabling her. I have a narcissistic ex and because I stopped giving him hundreds a fortnight for drugs I'm the bad person. I have adhd and autism and Iunavle to pay for proper therapy/support... what do I do

I always wondered why I was never assertive and could go after my goals and or needs, always putting myself last ,finally I understand 🥲 thank you Mr. Reid you’ve helped me and my therapist better understand what it is I need to do to get better in life

Thankyou thankyou thankyou 💜🙏

Wonderfully helpful. Your content is platinum. I bought your book on Amazon, thank you for living it, learning it and writing it. I hope it becomes a best seller. ❤️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🏆