At age 68, and because of all the therapists and others sharing their insights on all kinds of family abuses, I was able to piece together over the past 10 years what had happened to me and why. It is a comfort to have figured it out before I died, so I can authentically enjoy life with the time God is allowing me here on Earth.

Even as a child, I noticed how the female narc parent tried to set my brother against me and make us fight. When I commented on this, she sneered, "Haven't you ever heard of sibling rivalry?" Yes, I thought but didn't dare say, but I had always supposed parents were against it -- not its chief promoters.

They were ALWAYS right and not to be questioned.

One of the biggest problems with narcissistic parents is that as they get older and lose control of everything they had built around their lifetime of lies they will start to turn inward towards the family and what members they feel they can control and bully into playing along. If anyone stands up to them they will burn their own world down trying to get control over that family member, or in trying to remove them from the family, so that they can then blame that person for every failing the narcissist parents will suffer for the rest of their lives. The narcissistic parent will never take responsibility for their actions, but the ghost of the family scapegoat will.

My narcissist mother turned up at my door yesterday after 4 years no contact. Still no remorse or apology for the traumatic childhood she put me through. Was really proud of myself. Didn't loose the cool. Just told her I want nothing to do with her and told her simply she was a child abuser. That sent her galloping off into the sunset in a rage as she couldn't face the truth of what she is.

"Emotional treason" and "Bonding over mutual dislike"...wow...just being able to identify these tactics helps me so much!

“Disloyal” was a word that was said about me by my parents. I have come to see this as referring to my speaking up about the family system lies. Thanks as always, Jay 👍🏻

It is so good to be validated in this way. I went no contact with my covert Narc mother and 2 enabling siblings nearly 4 years ago. As the scapegoat I am still seen as the bad apple, defective, mean and just wrong in every way by these people. I no longer even think of them as family as I see clearly how deeply disturbed they are living in lies. I am grateful to know and live in truth. I am able to be with myself in solitude and have peace of mind, heart and soul. Thank you, as always, for creating this content. 🙏🌷

Always wondered why the 3 of us, i have one brother and ine sister, really have no relationship whatsoever. Besides meeting on holidays their is no interacting between the 3 of us. This video just brought out another aspect of our narcissistic mother and her manipulative tactics. We are all around 60 yrs old and still like this. Mom is 84 and the control she wields is astonishing. Thanks again Jay for another fine lesson.

I see myself as sometimes being the scapegoat and sometimes the golden child. Maybe understanding that doesn't matter much, though. Over and over again, when listening to Jay's videos, I hear my life experiences explained as typical in a family with a narcissistic parent. In the comments, too, I read about others who have experienced almost the exact things that I have. Healing and finally, at the age of 59, finding a fulfilling life is what is important now.

Jay, this is so spot-on. Thank you for your insight and valuable sharing of this myth. It is horrifying to know that "parents" would do this to their children. It's a profound example of the anger and hate that exists in the hearts and minds of souless people. God help the children escape from these monsters and find solace in the safety and protection of people who possess genuine empathy and a love of the truth!

Thank you, Jay, for putting words to our tangled, tortuous experiences. I'm 55 years old and first heard of narcissism a few years ago, as I was coming to grips with the abuse we kids suffered from our mother. Yes, from a very young age I understood something was very wrong in our family, due to the frequent beatings and emotional abuse we received during Mom's rage, the suicide attempts, the backbiting she committed against nearly everyone she encountered. Everyone was fair game, but she had her favorites, and she divided her own family into feuding groups and sub-groups. Mom's been dead now for nearly two years, and we're still dealing with her abuses, as she endowed her golden children to see after our father's trust, and they've done their best to absolute grenade the estate while keeping Mom's secrets. It's all so absurd, but there's no reasoning with them. They are determined to protect her memory even as the abuses are obvious to everyone.

I'm still trying to figure out my father's superiority complex- both of his brothers were the same, but the sister was kind and humble. Father's parents were older so I didn't know them well but they seemed humble, but my grandmothers's mother was known as nasty so all I can think is it's some kind of genetic thing. It's weird how I was raised to believe our family was so superior (we weren't), yet I was made to feel worthless and never good enough. There is much to be said for humility as something to strive for.

As you point out Jay children just have to have a bond with their parents, albeit a crooked one. I can still remember as a child believing everything my parents or other figures of authority, like teachers, told me. I simply assumed they just knew, because they were adults. So I was quite credulous, which is a normal thing for a child, in my opinion. You also don't have anything to compare it with, as your family system is the one you grow up in, the 'normal' one. Only for the last few years have I been able to make sense of it all, having served as the scapegoat child of a grandiose narcissist father with ptsd from the war. My mother, a vulnerable narcissist, parentified me, until her death now almost 25 years ago. Thanks to your talks and book I am fortunately able now to make sense of what happened to me. I am 61 years old. Thanks Jay!

My mom is and has always been “the queen.” No one else counts except for her. No matter what is going on with anyone else, hers is either more important or worse. The rest of the family expects you to ignore or neglect your own problems no matter what the consequences.

Thank you Jay Ried for all of your contributions to the scapegoat child. I am 57 and the family Scapegoat to a Malignant Narcissist mother and I'm afraid of her. I am on my second attempt to go no contact. I very much look forward to attaining you as a long distance therapist because your videos here on KZfaq have served me the most. You're amazing, keep up the good work. I hope one day to do what you're doing. You contribute to the awareness and healing of this very real and unbearably tragic reality that destroys perfect children for a lifetime if not identified then dealt with at some point in our precious life. A million thanks, Jay!

Please do a video on how a child of a narcissistic parent can feel safe to think their own authentic thoughts.

I am stressing over how I still let others "control my time". All of this is a product of being raised scapegoat to a Narcisistic MOM AND DAD! SO I watch some Eckhart to calm down and I JUST watched one where it was about is what your doing what you ENJOY or a "means to an end" AND VIOLA here is Jay mentioning means to an end. It is just very fitting!

Thank you, Jay. My brother seems to have been completely passed over by my Narcissistic father. I remember for most of my childhood he seemed to lead a separate existence from the rest of us. He was dyslexic and did not do well in school. I don't remember my father ever making him a priority or helping him. I see him as the "enemy"; I was the "allie", supposed to be similar to my father. He bought me things and treated me specially, yet in all other areas I was ignored or spurned . My little sister I think was the scapegoat child. Her job was to simply cope, which she did not do very well. He liked to intimidate her. This set-up really messes up sibling relationships. My sister and I do our best, and thank God she is willing to look into the videos I share with her. My brother does not want to hear about it, but I love him and wish he would learn about it. I have shared some videos with him. He is such a good person and has always had a very sweet nature. Thanks again for your work. I've had quite a bit of therapy and don't have much money to spend on it right now. But I do benefit from your videos as I listen to the ones that attract me and they answer a lot of questions when I am ready to hear them. ❤❤❤❤

I have never been able to have an open-heart conversation with my narc mother. I have often felt invisible talking tor her, usually so self-absorbed and preoccupied with her own issues, which made her appear vulnerable and weak. But she has been often cold, indifferent and even cruel towards me, openly showing that she preferred her GC son. She insisted that she is an extremely "oversensitive" person so by telling the truth I ran the risk of causing her "severe emotional pain" and perhaps (God forbid!) health problems... Guilt has always been a great tool in her manipulating behaviour which made me very careful in the way I treated her. But after her endless cruelty, where she was so happy that her GC son had inherited my late father's property, openly showing that I meant nothing to her, I finally confronted her. "Mom, when parents keep on making differences between their children, they put them one against the other..." I will always remember that moment. She looked at me, cold like a snake, full of scorn, replying in arrogantly: "So what? There are many sibling who don't talk to each other..." I was shocked, couldn't believe that that was my "mother". Not even a stranger would have behaved like her. A great example of the unconditional and generous motherly love that almost all media celebrate, that has confused me and damaged my whole life, of the narc's "sensitive and good" heart, manipulations and lack of emotions and empathy, of the narc's reptilian consciousness and humanity. It took me a life to open my eyes and see her wickedness and hidden abuse, to accept reality and leave for good. I paid a too high price in terms of good health and trust. Sharing information about narc abuse is vital, it can tremendously help people to protect themselves.

My narc mom got her "specialness" validation from academic intelligence and graduating from an elite university. She overtly favored my middle brother who took AP classes, yet somehow "forgot" to make sure the tuition was paid when my UNfavored oldest brother who's a literal genius went to college (despite sufficient funds). I don't think it's a coincidence that all three of her kids ended up dropping out of college.

Seriously, "Did anything seem "off" ,send chills down my back.

"And as all dramas, it is not real." Bingo!! 🌈

I absolutely fit this role in my family. My father would “forget” my accomplishments and ask me what I was doing for a living. He even insulted me repeatedly on his deathbed despite me being the child that was most attentive to him at that time. During the time period in which he was dying, I was reminded of my low status in the family. I elected to sever ties with my immediate family and I am much more at peace. You won’t ever have them see you as you are. You are not allowed to escape your role. Just walk away.

Dear Jay, I need a video on grieving. Could you do that, please? I don’t know how to grieve. I keep crying about missing my dad. If only my mother wasn’t there he would be the best dad. But he is vulnerable, he has no defense against my mother’s emotional blackmail. She blinds the whole neighborhood and family and withholds affection. He’s a traumatized child of war, my mother is mich younger. He always had to function and is part of that generation that doesn’t lament but irons through. He would not have dared to divorce my mother, at first because she played the little girl so well (I guess)and later because she truly is such a clever manipulatior and makes him doubt himself. I grieve the close relationship with my dad that I was never allowed to have due to my mother taking revenge on him when I showed affection for him. She withholds affection, she is so mean, but covers it up. I grieve for the happy, relaxed life my father was deprived of, first as a child and young man (he wasn’t allowed to even finish school but was supposed to work, and he is so intelligent, a high achiever even, I would say) and later as my mother’s husband and father of three children. I hate her for never giving him the affection and comfort and the warmth he is in need of. It makes me cry just to think about it. And he doesn’t dare talking to me about it, I think he takes care to suppress his awareness - he is depressed and thus the more dependent on her kindness. But when I show him kindness, she makes sure to abandon him when he is sick. She takes revenge, when I give him what she deprives him of: care and affection. She always talks over him anyway and isn’t interested in his wishes or interests at all, and I mean at all. I feel so helpless. If I try to talk about it, I’m sure he’ll get sick. I tried to be real with him once and he cried and had to stop the conversation. He is still traumatized from his childhood and what he has seen and gone through as an 8 year old. He just cannot deal with pain or any drama, it makes him nauseous. And he cares for my mother, I think he gets that she’s incapable, and at the same time he sees her complete lack of interest in him but would probably feel guilty to divorce her and certainly doubt his own judgement. And at the same time I would say that he is indeed blind or has managed to get amnesia. I have just come back from the hospital where he’s being treated for cancer and I fear losing him and fear he will have lived without having lived. He has been eaten alive and my mother actually didn’t visit him at the hospital and doesn’t want to. It was only now that she heard that I went that she suddenly wants to go too. Alone. I’m scared she will guilttrip him by making him out as a burden with her as the poor old woman who has to drive to hospital. She refused my driving her and told me a lie about my father not wanting me there but just wanting to have peace without visitors. I went after all and he lit up, was so happy because he had been alone. Cancer, surgery and all.

Yes, Jay, I definitely found this video helpful, because since most of us watching probably were the scapegoat, this has given me insight into what the experience is for the favored sibling. I had no idea until now. As the firstborn, knowing that my sister was quite obviously getting preferential treatment, I bullied her because I figured that if I had to suffer in the family, it was only fair that she had to. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t just my own resentment and sense of justice at work, but that pitting me against her was orchestrated by the parents. When I got the news that I’d be getting a little sister, I looked forward to it, hoping we’d get along. I didn’t foresee someone getting favored at my expense. Now, I realize that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows for the favored kid after all.

♡ ☆ ♡ Thank you for this healing, & transformative information. Just wish I had relized all this earlier in my life...I'm in recovery at 60...

Man, I have been aware of my mother's incessant ridicule of David my little brother. I was the first born, a scapegoat. I hated her for that.

Can the scapegoat treatment be more subtle than this? Not outright disdain, but more covert? This is what makes me go around in circles with doubt about my family dynamic. I have a strong suspicion about my other being covert narcissistic, and I have often felt the scorn of my older and younger sister for unjustified reasons.

My partners mum is like a general in charge bossing everyone around and openly seething at one of the adult children. Literally said "does anyone want a cup of tea " 3 people said yes please . Then she turned around and said " oh God you want me to make one for you do you ?!( to scapegoat ) . We were all like ???? You asked the whole room . Physco.

I will tell you one thing that happened to me about my parents: they had us move to Seattle from a small town in Michigan. I was on the extreme side of introversion. I couldn’t find my classes because it was a GIGANTIC school. I got a D in math that first semester in the 9th grade. I therefore got an extreme beating with a leather belt by my father with my mother watching. I buried this & other memories until I was 50. It has taken 8 years now & my dad dying to even understand the inability of a narcissist to have empathy. Thank you Jay. I hope I can contribute to this world while I am still here.

I have 2 narc sisters..1 overt, the other covert. I find the covert sister.much more difficult to handle. Both sisters have brainwashed their siblings. Only one sibling has not been brainwashed. I will go through one of the worst experiences that even now has me crying myself to sleep. When my mum died I was the last one to make it to the hospital. I held my mum's hand and she squeezed my hand. I knew exactly what she was telling me. You are on your own now Gareth, please take care. I leaned in to hug and kiss my mum goodbye. At that moment my covert sister screamed at me " get out of the way l want to see her face " . At that exact moment, my mum died. The last thing she ever heard was my sister screaming at me 😭😭😭 Covert sister has never acknowledge that my mum died hearing her screaming 😢. If I were to mention it she would call me a liar . I never have spoken about it. My mum died with my disgusting sister screaming 😭😭😭😭😭

A very accurate depiction of this type of dynamic. Thank you Jay Reid 🙏

It a nobody fault for being manipulated.

Thank you

Always valuable videos. Thank you!

This topic was bang on for me this week Jay…. Thank you! And I often see you doing these videos & it’s clearly obvious you are a lovely guy. So if you are a scapegoat too…. Maybe I am also lovely. Your video this week almost (slightly) made me feel sorry for my GC sister. She is just as trapped in this nightmare as I am. She has been programmed to abuse me…. Or else. We are both just as much Victims as the other.

Thank you for a very informative and supportive video. It is exactly the case.

you need a podcast! id love to listen to these on audio:)

Pearls, just pearls ~

My daily life is stated by you on your channel Jay. There are no words to express that your words have saved my life. I am 58 with 8 years of learning & discovering that there are other people living the same exact way. All I can do right now is thank you. If you do therapy & take Cigna, I would be honored to set up therapy with you.

Thank you ❤

I'm now 71, and I'm still stuggling! My mother was a mean nasty alcoholic. I was never pretty enough for her. Looking back I am only now realizing that she was a narcissist. I don't know if I ever emotional bonded with her, & I never felt close to her. The only parent I felt loved me was my Dad. My Mom, w very Vivacious woman who would not even open the door without her makeup! My Dad was a very loving down to earth truck driver & family man, who idolized her! While she was Flamboyant and wanted to be in the county clup set. I guess I was a Daddy's Girl but trying to be a tomboy to keep up with my older brother,. My Mother divorced my Dad, to be with her drinking buddy! My life got flipped up side down, and inside out! She (they) they sold my family home & bought a house in a different county. So in one fell swoop, I lost everything I had ever known, my Dad, all my school friends by age 11... ECT ect...

Happened in my ex coy. Controller able to do anything she liked for 20 years. Then she passed the baton to her gang and the dynasty continues…

No contact over three years Now heard my golden child sister has Stage 4 cancer and I cannot be there for her because of narc mother/family. Hoovers coming

Thank you for your deep work, the best out there!

Man You NAILED it perfectly on this video. I think this is the Most Easiest yet Thorough Explanation of the Narcissistic Family Dynamic! Thanks for the work you do for the survivors!

Thank you @jreid. This, and your three steps look super solid. Figuring out what actually happened can be a challenge, even when it's right in front of your face.

Great video.

Thank you very much!

New sub here! This has been so helpful for me!

A very helpful video. Thanks ❤️ I have to get this thing under control and maybe find peace.

Keep Going Keep Growing Keep Glowing Brother 🍻 Cheers To Your Work And The Knowledge And Wisdom And The Effort You Have Put In To This Point Of Your Life To Impart That Knowledge On To Others In Search Of Said Knowledge 👍 Keep Spreading It Mate As Believe Me Its Helping ❤🤗 Love To Y'all 🤜🤛

Thank you for this video, Mr. Reid! ⭐-Renee K. Taylor, Kamloops, BC (Jan. 10/24.)

My family had the same cult going.

Hey Jay, you seem a little down. I pray everything is alright, on your end of things. Warmest regards. EDIT: Unless it’s just ‘cause I didn’t have the video sped up, like I normally do, lol. Either way, I pray you’re doin’ well, sir.

I left and let him face his own demons.

🙏🏽

If I try to tell my truth to my mother, my Father gets right in there and gets mad at me for her reaction. Its crazy how they do that dance. Throwing me back and forth between them, meanwhile they abuse each l other and have a horrible marriage. As long ad they are defending each other from my supposed badness for challenging them And saying my truth, they get along. Its so sick! Two ticks and no dog!

Hey Jay, do u know of any peer reviewed articles about these abusive family system dynamics in relation to systemic abuse and scapegoating? 🙏🏾

Jay, if I may ask ,were you a scapegoat child? I've been alienated from my son( now 25) for nearly 13 years. He's isolated to just dad only.( Dark triad NPD) They are psychologically infused and the disorder BPD/ NPD passed onto my son through the alienation ( very violent and traumatic exploitation of circumstances) He ( n'ex) violently killed me off through the child( then 16) where my son's last words to me were" you're dead to me" in the blind loyalty to dad, standing with him proudly, against me, after a very terrorizing rage attack on me in front of my son.( US! against her) It's so very disturbing that any man or adult would ever behave like this in front of their child to any woman let alone his mother! I can't begin to imagine the mental damage my son has endured alone with him for 13 years in a house of horrors!! He's in the shared fantasy and sees me all bad/ all black now as splitting took place during that trauma. I'm still holding out hope that my son may have time to heal his brain and the BPD before it evolves further as his dad's did. Wondering what your thoughts are?? As this now adult child, up to age 13, had traits higher in empathy, regard, cooperation, honor for me and authorities, teachers... Very conscientious, kind, compassionate and loving. But in 1 year with dad he was completely destroyed! Angry, hardened and checked out completely from school. I'm weary, grieved and concerned naturally over his well being and safety and fear this pathology taking root too strongly in him to turn around.

Where can I find the list of videos of "gaining distance from the narcisissistic abusera pillar#2"?

✌️😎

Why do i treat the people who my Narcissistic father likes in high regard?