Dr K is basically re-writing how I think about the way I treat myself, and how I interact with people around me... It's still rough, but slowly things are seeming better, and I feel like I can handle things with a bit more confidence than 2 months ago.

People assume ego is only at play for people who are overly-confident when it's just as relevant for people who feel insecure. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we can start change

I'm a soccer coach and I am a firm believer in building up your self-esteem and confidence through successful and unsuccessful repetitions of the same action. What I love about my job is that I can apply the same principles of coaching and training to my everyday life. You want to build up the confidence to pass the ball better? Pass the ball more. You want to build up self-esteem to talk to people in public? Talk to people in public. The more we show our brain success in a certain area, the more likely we are to have confidence in that area because we've "proven" to ourselves that we can.

My way to build self steem is pretty hands-on: Make a small promise to yourself, and keep it. One little promise at a time and you will slowly gain trust in yourself.

the voice in my head, the one of anxiet, is slowly changing into dr k's voice and its so amazing and everytime i think smth irrational i hear him outsmart it and it brings a smile to my face in all honesty i love this dude and everything he's done for my mental health gg dr.k

This was a lot more thought-provoking than I expected. I've had zero self-esteem for longer than I can remember, hold myself to different expectations than I do others, deflect compliments and praise, and shoot down solutions for problems all the time with things like "I'm autistic and ADHD so there's really nothing that can be done about this", "I shouldn't need help with this", or "I don't trust myself not to fuck this up beyond all recognition". I need to think more on why I'm so convinced the outcomes of the things I do reflect on my value as a person.

I just finished delivering a huge presentation at work that I got a lot of recognition and praise for. Through all of it and even still now, I feel like people were praising me and my presentation out of pity because I think that they think that I was nervous. This is helping me realize that maybe I’m framing they’re praise through my perception of myself which is that I’m not a great presenter / communicator. I feel like I delivered really well and even practiced countless times, but I can’t get over thinking that they’re giving me praise because “I’m a young professional” and i was nervous but made it through. This video is helping me realize that I am a good communicator and that I actually probably did deliver a good presentation. I need to reframe my perspective on other’s comments and appreciation. Thank you Dr. K ❤️

i needed something like this right now, thank you dr K

Nothing works better than actually _knowing by experience_ that you are very good at something due to your own work

I think in terms of self esteem. It's about finding ways to cope and eventually break the cycle of low self worth and esteem. It's very very difficult especially if you have been through some dark stuff in childhood/teenage years. It does cause mental health issues but I think anyone can recover from anything and family can cause some mental health problems.

I developed my self-esteem when I had my first BAD, BAD year. I took a year of two for myself, didn't get into relationships, tried to understand about my past, heal my traumas, live by myself... it's almost like I became my own friend and recognized what I am capable of. It's not anything absurd, but I am very happy with who I am. My anxiety got considerably better, my need to excell in classes or games disappeared and my attachment also felt more secure.

A much needed video right now. I've recently headed back to uni after taking a suspension due to suffering from depression. Alot of my family are also rather dismissive of me for falling victim to such an illness, mostly because they've always placed a massive amount of expectations on my shoulders that I've never failed to meet. After being in such a place of weakness, both emotionally and physically, I realised how much people take the opportunity to take advantage. However, I've recently gone back to uni and studied with great classmates and a wonderful tutor. Through working hard again and getting results I've started to feel better. Now I cook every day and write something. Seeing myself accomplish something, even small mundane things, really reinforces my self-esteem. It took over a year to realise, but I accept that not everything currently affecting me is a representation of my character. Crap happens. It's fine. My family has noticed this change in my mindset and scarily try to put me down because I'm doing more than I ever used to before my depression. It's unfortunate, but the fact that the biggest issue people have with me is that I'm doing well, I know I'm heading in the right direction. This video has helped reinforce how I feel. Keep striving bros, and realise that you're all human too. Give yourselves the consideration you give others. Y'all deserve it :)

Dr K is amazing, this whole community is amazing. My biggest self takeaway: How did I conclude that my life is only fulfilled if I can be with my ex? The missing equation message is very strong. Internalising external information is something I need to work on, but just like a wrong calculation. You will always get the wrong answer if you give yourself the wrong formula.

I know for a while that I've been entangled in this belief that my career path isn't good enough, that I should have discovered my true purpose at this point. But I also realize this mental dissatisfaction has caused me to perform worse at my job and feel very low about myself, sabotaging my efforts to pursue other things outside of my life. The timing on this video has been impeccable and has given me an effective toolset for questioning these outdated thought patterns.

Ego X external factors Self esteem is based on 3 factors: 1. Unconditional human worth 2. Love 3. Growing Worth is not compatible or competitive Market/social worth can increase (money, status) but worth is stable and never in jeopardy, even if someone rejects you Emotional detachment - emotionally mirroring - feeling secure, self esteem is built

I would like to hear Dr. K with andrew tate

Getting dumped after being together for 6 years hits your self esteem different than a no straight away. Thankfully being at a low point in life fuels my motivation. Though only until I'm comfortable again so I'm worried I'll just get complacant and end up where I was before the breakup and lose motivation to improve further.

I've always struggled with self-esteem as an Autistic fella, as is the case with many Autistic individuals. We are often judged for not behaving "normally", even in cases when our behavior is completely harmless or innocuous. I've never performed well academically, so the only positive affirmations I would receive is from drawing, which was something my mom always attributed to being a "talent" that was a byproduct of my Autism (savantism). This of course began to create a negative feedback loop growing up, because people would correlate my artistic successes with my Autism, which was not the case, it was because I worked hard. Not having my successes attributed to my effort eventually started hampering on my self-esteem. This idea was so entrenched in my identity that I eventually dropped out of University because of the pressure, along with other issues that I won't get into. Least to say I don't really enjoy making art anymore. I think that I have low self-esteem because I grew up in an environment unheard, and misunderstood, due in part because of the prevailing ableist attitude that any issues expressed by me has to do with me being Autistic, and not because of any interpersonal or systemic issues I am experiencing in my day to day life. I feel like relying on other people's affirmation became such a crutch that I can't make decisions independently anymore without uncertainty. Another issue I've always had in self-esteem is related to my weight. My mother used to be an anorexic and almost died as a result, which heavily disrupted our lives for a few months. I've always thought I was fat because of this, even when I was 140 pounds, and in very good shape. The only time she ever complemented my build was when I was eating very little in my early 20s, which involved eating at most one meal a day. She never talked to us about it her anorexia, so I don't think anyone in my family was able to properly process the event, which was evident as my younger sister went through an episode a couple years ago being a dancer and all. My mom still comments on my weight to this day. Least to say, I don't feel comfortable talking to her these days. There's a bunch of other family matters that I could get into, but I'll stop rambling about that, as I could go on all day about it. I only started realizing a lot of this in the past couple years. The only thing I'm thankful for is that I have a wonderful wife whom I can turn to and articulate my thoughts on the matter.

13:20 that part foward hitted me so hard, e feel exactly like this, i push people up but deminish my self to a point of worthlessness, and i try to fight it, but it always come back

18:10 I feel like for me personally I do have really low self esteem and beat myself over things but I still find what I'm doing wrong, like, "oh I did that wrong ever single time I'm so awful" and even though it feels awful the feeling gets worse when I go work on that and no improvement is made. I feel like that's also a missing piece here that leads to self-worth lowering even more.

this made me realize how much value i place on others view of me. probably way too much. but i feel like im not in the position to not think that way. because i have to rely on other people to be alive at all. this also made me realize how hurtful a lot of the stuff i've said or thought is towards other people. because they likely place a lot of their self worth in the same way as i do

I have such a hard time with this. I've always felt less than everyone around me, and every time I've felt confident or valuable I always fail. I've learned to see self-esteem and confidence as delusion. Because I'm mentally crippled at this point, my life reinforces this. It feels impossible.

So, self-esteem goes low when you internalize the expectations of other people, and when you don't meet those expectations. Can you also develop low self-esteem if you set, by yourself, expectations that you don't meet? Perhaps, it is that the set of all the possible incentives to do so is empty? I'm not sure.

It is amazing to me how you can understand things about your own behaviour 15 or 20 years after things have happened and look at what you thought would be stuck with you forever in a different light. It's kind of unbelievable that all along there was a key to understanding yourself, healing and changing and at the same time you believed firmly there was no possible such key.

I am realizing about myself that I am used to using my critical thinking power to find ways in which I can blame myself, which leaves me with little energy left to use it on analyzing critically what's happening around me in order to come to proper conclusions about what's what. I am coming to realize that I need a degree of foundation within myself for having enough energy left to somewhat accurately perceive the cracks that are present externally.

OMG thank you for this!!!! I needed it

Building a sane self esteem without ego is what I have been working on lately so this is probably going to be really interesting

Dr k voice is just so calming. I find myself always revisiting the same videos to be re-taught the same thing and lately, trying to really set aside time to address the internal insecurities and fears that I avoid Thank you, Dr. K

Wonderful, I hadn't actually made the connection between self esteem and ego. I've realized that my self esteem is very low at times, and that has had some pretty harsh negative effects on my life, but hadn't pieced together that it was my ego that constructed the low self esteem from my experiences.

Can we also have a similar video on confidence? Namely what is confidence and how can you develop it. Thanks

This is my therapy homework for the week and it's hard but your video is extremely helpful, thank you ❤️

I love your content, Dr. K! It's been so helpful for me. My only piece of feedback for your videos would be to consider adding an outro to end the video. Sometimes I will be really vibing and listening while doing chores and the audio suddenly cuts off. It's a little abrupt. Just a friendly "let me know your thoughts, take care everyone" would go a long way. Keep it up, Dr. K! We all believe in you.

9:13 Attachment Theory: Early adverse life experiences = messed up attachment; the earlier the more difficult developing "good"(?) attachment 13:08 Most people [...] with low self-esteem tend to apply a different (lower) standard to others than they do to themselves. How to improve self-esteem: 1. Get it from peers (through statements of genuine appreciation of ppl in community) 2. Disentangle ego from external expectations (21:43) > see also 12:49 "If you have low self-esteem, you don't think you're worth very much. But where did you come up with the standard for your judgement?"

I feel like your videos were meant just for me. Uhg. Such great content. Thanks!

This video made me anxious and depressed. I don't really have any values anymore. I just sort of done away with them cause I don't know if anything I think is valid. Whenever I have a complaint that something is too hard or unfair I just stop thinking about it and just do it. I just tell myself that is is my fault the work is so hard in the first place. I'm fat, I'm lazy, I always look for the easy way to do things. Doesn't help that the only person I love in the world literally won't accept a compliment from me cause they said it doesn't count cause I like them... Everything is discouraging to me. I don't know if I line up with reality. This is the question I have been asking myself for years and I still haven't found the answer. Where does my world view come from?

pure gold here, thanks dr k, youre an amazing person

This is actually so helpful thank you so much

How do you know what I'm tackling about myself right now? This is so on point dude!!! Thanks

One of your best videos yet!! 🔥 Great information, Dr. K! 🙌🏻

Thank you this video is actually so useful

Thank you dr K, timely advice as always

It was nice to have someone like Dr K acknowledge how significant external validation can be, it made me feel less ashamed that I had recognized and craved that. It's made me realise how powerful giving a compliment can be so I want to make an effort now to say the thinks I like about people to them

I remember having to do this with my grades. I was more disappointed with myself for a poor grade than my mother was. And then uni came in swinging with a different grading scale and then I failed a subject. I eventually worked through to the point that my performance in assessable work and exams was not a perfect indication of my knowledge on the subject being assessed. I like learning, so I would focus on concepts, but I didn’t like having to demonstrate it for the sake of demonstration in assignments and also would mentally blank in tests. My mental health improved a lot once I acknowledged that I was smart, but didn’t have good assessment/study skills. My grades, however… let’s just say because of my reduced anxiety, I was even less motivated to work on assessable things and subsequently discovered I had ADHD. Apparently prior to my diagnosis, I was living in continuous anxiety from rolling deadlines and an overloaded schedule, both of which contributed to defining me as a person.

Can you make a video about trust issues in a romatic relationship related to how our parents (especially the dad-daughter relationship) were distant? I know that therapy is the solution, but maybe you can give tips (e.g. journaling?) and how to approach the therapist

Ahh yes Been waiting for his advice !!!

This channel has brought me an unprecedented level of internal confidence and self belief as well as a plethora of mental health knowledge that I wouldn't have otherwise had. Thank you Dr. K

Simple & easy to understand Thank U Dr. K 🙏🏼🐇

Dr K, thanks for the amazing work you do! You are helping me a lot! However I think this topic is suuuper important for your community and you could do better giving advice on how to improve self esteem. Maybe listening the inner critic, locus control, self empathy, social, negative self talk..

I was also recently facing a low self esteem, it sunk so deep that I used to sit isolated in my classroom, ignoring my friends. I also realised that maybe I was behaving like that for gaining attention. After few days of isolation, also by noticing myself in the class, I concluded that this wasn't right, then I started to interact with all. My friends companionship was good though they didn't knew my internal termoil, also I made some new friends, which boosted my self esteem, and gave some assurance that I am not that bad, though it was external but it works. But now I am recognising that I am a bit egotistical, so I am not able to show my real self fully to others and I am willing to work on it.

to be honest ive been abused for who i am since early childhood and it set my brain in such a bad mindset and people just keep proving my bullies and abusers right, it kinda sucks. I battle with suicidal thoughts every day and to be honest if I wasn't so scared of eternal nonexistence, I wouldn't be here right now nothing is keeping my alive but that. Whenever I tried to do some bare minimum to make myself feel better about me or life or whatever, life kept punishing me. When I started working out I fell on my hip and couldn't even walk without awful pain for a year, when I got a new haircut and piercings I got two separate infections because apparently people here don't clean their fkn equipement anymore. When I finally got a guitar after 10 years of wanting one and to learn to play it... I fall and hurt my elbow which made it impossible to play a guitar or even lift a cup of water. That's just few of million other things that happened to me, I keep getting fkt over. So it's not just confidence thing it's a whole being cursed for some reason which kills my confidence in process because im simply NOT ALLOWED to be happy.

This man helps me so much

The certain result we get from the external world doesn't necessarily determine identity. It's our decision to look at what we are doing right and what we are doing wrong. Troubleshooting (asking where our standards came from and so on) and then taking actionable steps to change our behaviors towards others. This may or may not produce different results, but positive feedback does help change how we frame things and our views of ourselves. This is a condensed version of what I had learned from Dr. K's videos. I hope it's helpful. Thank you.

Just starting the video, posting up my info first to see if it's confirmed or denied: Once upon a time they found that kids with high self esteem performed better in schools, so they pushed the self-esteem movement, which didn't help. The causal relationship was reversed. Kids who performed better in school had higher self esteem as a result. Solution: If you want higher self-esteem, find something you can be good at and do it. Now to watch the video and see how wrong/right I am

I can’t believe how much this channel grew. Been here since forever!

Love this man

Havent Watched the video yet so it might be covered in this video but self love is something that doesnt get talked about enough. Self love is a huge step to becoming more confident and building self esteem

I watched the whole video and it was great, however another problem of mine is retaining information though (especially with cognitive difficulties), hope you do a video on that one day.

“Who you are is not tied to outcomes” powerful stuff, but if not, then what else can help us discover that?

ThankU this is pretty good and in sync with the message from my therapist that it's necessary to challenge my own core beliefs. Or as another friend put it, brainwash myself. It's been exhausting though. I'm glad I'm old. I hasten to mention the role of violence. Prolific since infancy, i can affirm violence turns a person into an object, a thing. Slaps in the face umm deface. A punch in the groin = a non medical transgendering. The mind/willpower have limited access to neuro disruption. I'm glad i stuck around, i was a good sport. But i'm not eager to prolong

There is something about the way you write out your titles that is super alluring.

Dr K I have one request. Please do a lecture on forming habits. I am not consistent in meditation or anything.

Added to watch later.

thank you dr. K

The thumbnail’s amazing

Give me love give me dreams give a good self esteem.

Thank you

The best book I ever read was 6 Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Brandon. Self help books get a bad rep, but this one is a gem. It is written by a very intelligent psychiatrist, like dr. K! Except a bit older. I highly recommend it!

That thumbnail got me 😂💗

Great video

I might have to watch this a few more times

This is amazing

13:30 Thats an interesting perspective that I've never considered. I have high levels of anxiety, and I tend to have *extremely* high expectations of myself, and low expectations of others. I tend to put up with a lot of crap from others, and will do a lot for others. Should I lower the expectation for myself, or raise my expectation of others? Most likely both, but how much for each? Until it can be consistently achieved?

Whatever spark or soul or heart people have inside them to inspire love from other people I don't have. I've given up on love and happiness. Women spot me as the damaged goods I am and run away.

People treat me well, my friends are sweet and always say they enjoy my company. But honestly my self-esteem has been bad for so long, I'm not sure how I got entangled with being so critical of myself, probably from my family. Then again I don't really have any ill will towards my family, they did what they thought was best :/ I really hope I can build that "internal" sense of self-esteem because no matter what happens externally it doesn't change what I think of myself

I literally can't take anything away from this.

🤣 The fucking thumbnail. So random but yet so perfect.

I would love Dr K to elaborate on musicians going through the self discovery and his perspective on self esteem, ego, and how they relate to art and self expression

What I've been doing is playing elden ring. Doesn't matter if you just killed a dragon, you can still die to a rat

But that thumbnail tho - 10/10 Chef's kiss 👌

Literally started reading a book called the six pillars of self esteem by Nathaniel branden. And understood that 99% of my problems stem from self esteem issues and Dr K posts this video

Christ why are Dr. K's videos always so pertinent and timely.

14:00 17:31 18:10 ego blanket blames but absolves responsibility 21:40

why don't we stop putting a value on us and other people? getting a 4.0 or 3.0 is just cause and effect. you can try to convince yourself you're still a "good" person, even with low grades... or you can just try and ditch the concept of good and bad persons altogether and just see yourself for what you are. an individual whose life story has led them to be exactly like how they are right now. there's only right/wrong, good/bad about this if you decide to put such a stamp on it.

i used to get bullied all throughout high school and it has destroyed my self esteem ever since. I was never able to build my self esteem up and i barely have friends and never had a gf at the age of 28m.

1 million soon

I wish that person knew just how lucky they are to achieve ONE of those things. Im so poor that during covid I had to work 4 jobs just to make ends meet. Appreciate Dr.K as always but I wish I could be free of the poverty I was born into and get to actually do something with my life.

I almost feel like high expectations/ perfectionist mentality from mainly myself and others (in terms of my career choices) 'might' be a factor in my at times low self esteem. Also I belive social support in general is important to raising self esteem.

you can't get confidence from someone else. Confidence comes from when you face the shit that you don't wanna face, and you trust yourself to stand by you when you need to, that you'll set boundaries instead of letting people walk all over you.

We consider probabilities all the time. We depend on them. Are we to ignore probabilities in this case? What do we do if the probability of our negative belief being true is much higher than the probability of a positive alternative belief being true?

My narcissistic parents raised in a way where i cant pair bond, i cant socialize and I cant feel security in myself. They were not better off either growing up, but i think it's unfair i was given all their mental issues when I didn't choose to be this way. Im riddled with low self esteem, BPD, ADHD, anxiety...

I'm in my 30's and really needed some advice regarding this matter this week specifically for my therapy session. Thank you Dr. K. Always love your content. It's so helpful and insightful and I feel like my own sessions are much more productive thanks to the things I've thought about or learned about thanks to you.

Thanks.

Yeah I still have no idea how to fix this. I have an inferiority complex. I feel inferior everywhere I go and everything I do is never good enough or sub-par. I'm extremely anxious around people and almost never leave my house. I can't even muster the courage to post something in a Discord. I'm afraid of people and have a lot of self-hatred. I'm a 30 year old virgin and things aren't getting any better. This lack of self-esteem and self-hatred seeps into everything in my pathetic life. I think about suicide constantly too and feel no hope for the future.

I am still quite confused about this. So based on this video, the amount of self-esteem is caused by ego? and the best way to improve your self-esteem is to rationalize it and understand it?

I really dislike the emphasis of "look into the guide to find it" especially since often when I go into the guide it ends up being a vague video which covers the topic in an extremely summarized way rather than an in depth way as is implied here. I also wish there was a higher emphasis on how to do this on your own rather than relying on positive people around you. I feel like its really easy to develop a toxic dependence on people if you rely on them for how you feel about yourself.

I thought I had a "good" sense of self esteem. I realize now I do not. It's hard for me to accept compliments and I internalize criticism. I do not fight it. I just accept it and tell my self I legitimately am inept. I really want to rewire my brain. 😅

Even though i am trying to think of myself as a better person who is more capable, I still at time feels like I am forcing myself. Like at work, if I did well and I got my colleagues praises for it, I still would believe they did it out of pity or maybe because I am the new joiners they feel the need to praise me. I know Dr K mentioned that we need to start thinking better of ourselves but at times I still feel like I am forcing myself to be confident. Is it something that is normal and is it something that I will have to keep repeating until my confidence grows after countless repetition? I hope you all can help me with the answer.

Now I'd like to internalize this, maybe I could journal . but I have adhd and it's hard.

I need to learn about this yogi stuff

You have really cool hair in this video:D