Me too. And what's worse in my case is I *will* pretty much give her almost everything i can give to her just to make her comfortable staying with me, even if it take a huge toll on me. I need help

Yo same

same for me. and it always makes them run away as fast as possible

I used to be like that too. I should warn you that it is a narcissist magnet 😨

When people look for long lasting relationship, they find you

yeeeeeeaaaaaa

Yesssss

Then you dont have time for a relationship and burn out from a busy lifestyle, no thanks

Isn’t that kind of ignoring the root problem

@@McDnyss maybe that's a good thing. Maybe you don't need a relationship.

Said like a true HGer lol

Excellently put, man

This made me wanna cry, well put

you worded this so well, sometimes we forget to consider what the other person needs and wants

Amazing. Thanks.

So real

I feel like this is something nobody adresses. I'm well aware I've got some work to do on my side but sometimes it feels like no one will hit the ball back. I have slowly taken a back seat in most of my circles because i always found myself hosting and organizing and it was exhausting when no one would put any effort in. Interestingly some friend grups after a while of radio silence, some other people started organizing hang outs, and that's really what made me realize just how internal the "clingy-ness" is

Get one clingy friend and you'd say otherwise. Seriously telling you when people start overstepping boundaries it is just not desirable at all. "Clingy" friendships are made slowly over years not on a whim.

I'm noticing this about myself a lot lately. My problem is that if I start acting like I don't care, I eventually won't because then I realize that I'm putting more effort in than they are and then I actually do start to not care. Thus I start to question why bother to continue talking...

@@roboky101 that honestly sounds healthy to me. If someone isn’t putting in as much effort, and you start to lose feelings as opposed to gaining more intense feelings and a more intense desire for reciprocation (which has been my unfortunate pattern in the past)… that’s a good sign you have a certain level of respect for yourself. The right person will match you.

@@Livfree33 I saw the same problems in me. You just need to love yourself. If you can learn to be happy alone, you do not need anyone else

After a year of watching this channel I am finally ok with myself. I’m actually afraid of the idea of meeting someone that I might want to be in a relationship with because I have never been so content with myself before. 😂

@@naxT890 I am slowly but surely becoming my own best friend. (Save a few moments from time to time where I spiral back into self-deprecation and fear I’ll never be good enough.. whatever that means😆… good enough for WHAT?! The emotional safety I craved in childhood? 🤣 that’s not my fault I didn’t have that lmao)

I wish i could like this 1000 times 👍

Damn, this hit home. Gave me something to think about.

Wow thank you for that, definitely gonna try my best to improve myself because i found out i'm in that situation

Wise asf

Being lonely for so long, sometimes it feels like friends are the only thing that will validate my existence, not anything I can make with my hands.

This girl I’m talking to sends me “good morning☺️” every morning but she isnt clingy at all.

@@thotslayer9914 My brother in Christ, what are you doing?

@@johnjohnson3681 LMFAOOOO 🤣🤣🤣

You put into words what I think many of us were struggling to articulate. Tysm!

Fr

This may not be the case for everyone. Some people may just not want to be lonely.

your pfp is better than your mental state.

🥳

@@SantanaBanana47 yeah…...and the reason you feel lonely is because deep down u seek validation

@@onesandzerospdf1448 this is not the only reason for loneliness

i don't feel that your first quote is at all similar to “iF YoU cAn’T HaNdLe mE At mY wOrSt, YoU DoN’t dEsErVe Me aT My bEsT”. i read it as "not everyone is a right fit for you, so if it doesn't pan out with one person, doesn't mean it won't pan out with another."

Great advice, this is a mystery tool I will save for later😂

I guess the first saying applies when you're not being a shitty person on purpose or inconsiderate. In other words, actually working towards a better, healthier relationship and not trying to be or not caring about being toxic or a burden to someone else.

It feels horrible when both the cases apply to the same person. I had to break up with them because of this contradiction, made me feel like they were lying or being with me for benefits

LMAO does anyone remember the video when Dr. K said that quote and said that that's excuse to be an intolerable asshole or something along those lines. I needa hear it again

Thank you for listing out what does and doesn’t help for you! I haven’t been doing anything and this anxiety is eating at me and I became clingy and obsessed. I’m going to try to be productive and self sufficient!

Leage of legendns

You need more interactions with other people. You aren't 80.

Thanks for this, I struggle with similar stuff but all my hobbies to "help" fall under the "unhelpful" category.

@@hagridswagrid2643 Hello there. Allow me to say that therapy has helped wonders. I kept some of the hobbies I picked up to control anxiety to this day. It can be anything that you need to pay attention to, as in, you're activelly doing it. Any physical activity works, as I've found out later. Hang in there, this won't be forever.

I'm in the same boat except I still hurt when I let go. I've been coliving with a close friend for 2 months. We are both the type to be so introverted and shy, it was difficult for each of us to socialize. But together we made some friends, we talked to strangers. We had so much fun going out, it kinda changed our lives. A lot happened during these past months and now we are closer than ever, she really is my best friend of all time. We can talk about anything going on with our lives pretty much any day of the week with no filter, be happy, sad, angry, vulnerable at wish. The bad thing is I caught feelings for her and I felt like being clingy recently. I'm craving intimate attention and I know for sure this is not reciprocated. I think I have to let go of that in some way ... but I haven't been able to tell her anything about this yet. I'm not ready for the pain.

@@MechaStorm7didn’t happen

@@MechaStorm7I’m so sorry and I hope it goes well, letting go.

The issue with that is recently I’ve been dealing with my own confusing situation where I’ve been talking to a girl for a short amount of time and wanted to be real with her so I told her that I would be ok with a relationship after we got to know eachother and she said that she agrees but also said that in the future she could totally not have that interest so I’m in a weird spot where she believes that it could be possible but it isn’t a guarantee so I don’t really know how to feel or what to do should I try to interact the same more weird spot so I am reserving the nervy for someone who may be into me after we know eachother

@@walkergren4192 just go for it. shes completely right, nothing in life is guaranteed especially romantic relationships. if you go out with her and she loses interest(heck, you may lose interest), deal with it and be glad you had that experience. but if it works out you could have a good relationship with her.

@@meepmoop2308 I typed it weird I realize I shoulda been clearer we are just starting to get to know eachother and I wanted to make sure that i knew if she wanted to be more in the future and she doesn’t know if she wants a relationship with me yet so I’m in a good spot but I have to wait and it’s just patience the only thing is getting my hopes up is super scary so basically honestly it’s jsut the first steps in what could be a relationship it’s not a weird situation it’s jsut having so it up to early I’m glad but also it feels weird

@@walkergren4192 ohh ok well good luck my dude

Thank you for this comment.

I'd say start with "treat others how you wish you to be treated" and if that doesn't work then "treat others how they have treated you" And maybe as a cherry on top, "when in doubt, just ask"

This is a great comment!!!

I think this is totally true for relationships, but sometimes for adult friendships you have to be the person who always reaches out. I have a couple friends who are really "type b"and will just never be the ones to come up with plans lol. But when we hang out it's still fun and genuine

@ExtremelyOnline Guy copy-pasting the same thing in multiple comment threads is cringe and bot-like behavior

I feel you man, it's hard to find that balance.

I figured out the secret. Dont act, be your clingy self. Ditch those who dont like it (its their loss, they just missed out on a great friend) and keep those who do. If you end up with no one it doesnt mean that you are broken. You just hung out with the wrong people. Now there is room for new, hopefully better people in your life. And most importantly, love yourself. You are enough. You dont need to change for others to like you. (Change only for yourself). We are all imperfect and everyone has atleast one shitty trait. We clingy people tend to think that we are weird and everyone else is perfect but that is the furthest from the truth. Sometimes its actually the other person thats being weird! Dont beat yourself up over the clinginess. The imperfections are what makes us human. Of course if you act toxic you need to work on that. You can work on yourself and love yourself at the same time. A true friend will look past your bad traits. They will be patient, understanding and forgiving. You will find a compromise. Just be honest and communicate your needs. Ive been there and I know how much it sucks. But you arent doomed and things will get better. Keep fighting :)

Solution: don't interact

Also stop manifesting it

Tell me about it. I have to act like I don’t care but you end up hating yourself for it and it’s just tiring

Its all a fucking mental game with women I swear, so tiring it is to play, their game, by their rules, what a joke.

@@THEINFERNOKID TDLR Sorry you can’t just not care about your significant other whenever you feel it when you literally said you cared about them when you got into the relationship? What rules? everyone has relationships pits (men and women) they fall into why are you upset. It’s literally attracting people who are weak in those areas, making that relationship shallow from the start. Complimenting the girl who feels like the ugliest person in the room over and over, isn’t always obvious on the outside. She probably liked John who would take time to come over to compliment that because the behavior mimics actual traits personality wise to get to know (that she hadn’t seen in other relationships). But if you get to know someone you will recognize they are insecure and y’all as a couple should work on that (it’s a different problem if you aren’t growing together, a healthy relationship should) and stop nurturing it. But everyone has different things, People with neglectful parents might get into a relationship with a person who pays no attention to them for 6 months because they are having a hard time in their life and if feels safe. But after work relaxes maybe she realizes someone who never gives me my time of day shouldn’t be my husband, I’m not attracted to the same element as 6 months ago and the shell personality is out of the honeymoon phase. All people date for marriage or happiness (generally), and if after the crush is done if you never had what you originally offered after compliments (attentiveness, someone to listen to you, etc) they leave . Fill multiple needs than. It’s not “mentally games”, a relationship takes energy out of both sides. A relationship like that wasn’t based on anything though, so it falls apart and keeps men like you guessing why a person who left the relationship with confidence because the relationship lacked connection of a person than a purchase of a wife, but the need was filled for months on that dance. If that guy just wanted a person accept all their “gf” things they want for them (flowers, not a gesture everyone likes but is still expected to light up 3 months in despite saying it passed over by “I’m such a good bf suprising her with flowers”) when the girl who actually wasn’t the ugliest girl notices this man only sees me for what they offer him in idea, he hurts her NO RULES. Anyone is! Relationships are a connection if you didn’t “win” the game, maybe because It’s not a game it’s a person. If you were ok to tolerate why weren’t you ok to date? After all these “women” the common denominator is you, a long pattern of toxic women would actually present a problem to fix in your selection. Like fishing for compliments from insecurity left by your ex who talk down to you for years? Or getting into neglectful relationships when stressed ignoring red flags? Why did these women get with you if they thought you couldn’t follow the “rules” when they are trying to invest in a future with you? Healthy relationships a person leaves a cheater (example) because they expected you to follow the rule to not cheat. What were they disappointed by? …sir?

I’m not good at being concise especially on a big screen sorry lol

@@sydneyharp1989 long comments are fine if you format them a little to make them easier to read

for real i feel so humbled rn ☠️

Yea, i haven't gotten my ass sat down like this in a while 💀

Yup, I feel so called out because of this. I now cringe alot more at my past self haha.

I started getting defensive in my head and i was like wtf, i need to chill down a second cuz this is definitely not okay from me

@@davidtanase7753 YEUP

or when you're having a mental crisis and can't be there for another person. the guy in the post is really lucky... when i stop engaging with people they stop engaging with me eventually

@@garb4gepile420 yeah..

@@garb4gepile420 Fuck 'em (not literally). If you stop messaging as often and they stop seeming interested, it just means they were never interested and were responding to you out of pity. Don't bother with people who will just lead you on. Even if it's painful, you can also always just _ask_ what they see you as and if they're interested. Most of the time people will be honest and either say you mean a lot to them, or just tell you to finally piss off. The latter really hurts, but just remember that those types of people will always get what's coming to them. People who play with other people's feelings won't find real happiness with themselves until they fix their problem.

True, I actually often doing this in the past but a lot of my relationship become ends

True, I actually often doing this in the past but a lot of my relationship become ends

Ayo 🤨 📷

Lol I thought I was the only one that heard that

I was definitely laughing my ass off at this, the way he said it and looked around was so funny

I laughed when he said that , had to run it back to see if he actually said that

💀💀

Do not tear yourself up. You didnt do anything horrid enough, if they dubbed you then they just weren't good for you

agreed, don't be so hard on yourself even if by just a little:) You're not a horrible person for being human and wanting connection. In the past ive been the same way, but I have learned/am learning that someone you have to try so hard to keep around you and change so much of yourself for is probably not worth it. You are also worth the effort, and sometimes you have to be that someone for yourself. This is one year late, hope you're doing better tho:). I'm still learning this myself. cheers

Same. Been a year and a half of trying to get over heartbreak but instead of starting feeling good im just depressed about other things too. Why wouldn’t i? I’m just no good and don’t have achievable goals

Forgive yourself. Even Jason Momoa has been there.

I’m so glad it worked out for you!

oh I need this

@@moonrabbit721 me too

No. He should talk about that to all the non clingy people who aren't like me.

@@riptidev10 no but technically I have made music so I am a record producer :3

It’s the clingy person who needs to change their behaviour, so I think it makes sense for dr K to focus on that perspective in his videos. Though I think a video on… idk social guilt? Uncomfortable conversations? would be a good one. It can cause a lot of guilt to have to cut someone off for being clingy or to have to tell them that they are acting inappropriately. Saying something you know will hurt someone can be really uncomfortable and people shy away from discomfort. However it’s really important that we are able to set these sorts of boundaries, and to be able to face these sorts of conversations ourselves. People trying to hide from uncomfortable conversations all the time is what leads to “ghosting” being a trend.

Same! Like holy shit this explains so much of my behaviour

Wow literally me

Thanks Aria. Same here

Same. But we do this to feel safe in ourselves. "We being heard or validated " . It's not actually about we doing something for the other person.

Yeah, after I graduated, the next 2 years of my life was spent working 6 day weeks and I never had time to socialize or even live my life. I lost a lot of friendships because of it and once I finally quit and started a new job, I got mega attached to any co worker that would talk to me. It's a starvation mindset that tells you, "You spent so much of your past losing people, if you don't stick around these new ones at all times you'll lose them too." It's tragic that we've been lived through circumstances that teaches our minds to be afraid of being alone, but forcing friendships only pushes people away, and eventually when you do find those people you *click* with it'll all be worth it.

@@SpyCrabsUnite Damn that's so true it hurts.

Someone else says "Start with enjoying being alone" But that's not a good advice. We really live in the age of loneliness

The pandemic was really unhealthy too for me as an (occasional) extrovert. It felt like my boyfriend was the only person I could talk to so I would cling to him so much. It doesn’t help that extroverts are seen as noisy validation-seeking attention whores these days and that introversion is significantly popular. Being alone works for some and doesn't work for the rest. It works for me sometimes too but not always so it really pains me to hear that I should feel more comfortable when I'm alone even though I won't always feel that way.

This is verbatim exactly what I’m experiencing rn after moving to california from Canada and basically spending the majority of my life moving around in Canada before that.

It's videos like this that really cement the fact that you're a great content creator/therapist I've just started to kind of go down the rabbit hole of your various videos and I have to say their phenomenal even the ones that are really long I have ADHD so that can be a challenge for me I find myself being able to get through an hour hour and a half sometimes 2 hours and that says a lot that being said the fact if you can help one person you have a tremendously powerful career and purpose, either way just appreciate you 🙏🔥

In the same boat, just got out of a 20 month relationship where I lost myself in the realtionship. The relationship before that one ended due to the same reason, it's all about growth and learning. We will all get there :)

Hello, thanks for the write-up, what’s your advise to someone who have Anxious-attachment? How does one solve this?

@@jerryigwe7684 Well, in short completely recognizing you have an anxious attachment is half the work! Because you'll start to become mindful / cognizant of it, and start to recognize those patterns playing out. There are first "thoughts" that are precursors to "behaviors". And what you want to do is slowly stop thoughts -> from becoming impulsive behavior. For example, if your girlfriend is out with friends, and you start having thoughts that she's cheating / with other guys, and you're about to impulsively bombard her phone. First stop the behaviors while holding the thought in it's place. Then what you want to do is rationalize the problematic thoughts itself. Journaling helps. Asking yourself questions helps for example "Objectively, would my girlfriend ever cheat on me? Am I overreacting in any way? What does this speak about my own fears and insecurities?". Think though it logically. Over time this sort of rationalization will become second nature and you'll start to Journal mentally. Another piece of advice I'd give is, you need to be in a relationship / a strong friendship while healing. Because with 'Attachment trauma' they tend only to surface when vulnerability / romantic relationships are concerned. You might spend your whole life thinking you're normal as it stays dormant, and one relationship, and you realize this childhood patterns surface out of nowhere and cause all sorts of sabotaging behavior. I would also say tell your partner "I have ____ attachment issue, but I really want to work through it with you... If you catch me doing x,y,z, please knock some sense into me." It's really healthy to go about it that way because they'll offer insight when you're unable to. Good luck to you Jerry!

@@jerryigwe7684 One last thing, there's a very underrated KZfaq channel called " Coach Craig Kenneth" and he has a number of videos on Anxious attachment styles, as well as case studies from clients as a psychotherapist. I think it's a good resource :).

@@AaronMetallion Thank you so much! I truly appreciate!!!!

I think what you've experienced us exactly what he's talking about. The person that is thinking about their needs and desire but are not really taking yours into consideration

I wonder why it's so often the guy being clingy. I've seen women who were clingy but it's very rare. It's probably a societal issue that we as a species need to sort out. I would also dare to say a lot of Internet/nerd culture has turned lots of good men insecure and unable to just... spit out what they're feeling. And what's worse is that instead of going to someone like Dr. K, they go to forum boards to talk about their issues, often getting replies like, "It's just the woman's fault, you need to be even pushier, or neg her." which is... literally the opposite of what they should do.

@@bugjams I think part of it comes from the fact that many men grow up without positive support systems. they may not be complimented much. they dont grow up with as many outlets to have deep conversations. women on the other hand grow up being taught to make the other person feel comfortable by being very warm and friendly. we do this to everyone, not just men that we're interested in. sometimes guys take that polite friendliness as romantic interest or deep connection. I'm glad someone like Dr. K is able to spread awareness on issues like this. I do think that's the first step towards men and women expressing the challenges they face and solving them together rather than arguing who has it worse.

@@bugjams For me personally, it's the deep societal programming that my basic needs for human connection are (as a guy) self-serving, inherently harmful, and unwelcome that gets in the way of just saying what I feel. Talking openly to someone I think I might like is an act of aggression, unless I read all the signals correctly and know for sure, before I even introduce myself, that she is open to conversation -- which, in the society I find myself living in, never _appears_ to be the case (partly because most of the signals I'm supposed to be watching out for are bullshit, but y'know... that's the programming). When conversation _does_ happen, there is a whole set of rules I need to follow to do everything right -- rules that different people have different ideas about -- to build connection in a way that is somehow simultaneously bold yet non-threatening, indirect yet clear and assertive. And it is unilaterally _my_ job, according to the script society handed me, to make sure the whole complicated dance goes smoothly. If anything goes wrong, it's obviously because _I_ fucked everything up. And so I go about my life saying nothing, doing nothing, because I want to be a good person and am mindful of my impact and don't want to inconvenience or scare anybody with my perfectly normal human desires that society has taught me are not-okay. Of course, being "safe" doesn't work because now my communication and my actions are incongruent. I have unclear intentions. I'm being sneaky and manipulative. I have an "agenda." Few people understand that yeah, _of course_ I have an agenda: to convey my genuine, heartfelt interest in another person in the language I was taught to speak. Meanwhile, I see people all around me thriving because they're breaking-all-the-rules and taking the liberties in life that I was never "allowed" to take. Doing the kinds of things that would make me feel like an asshole for trying, but it works, because direct communication is the language humans _actually_ speak. A major problem in our communication is that we've responded to the trauma of patriarchal abuse by imposing all these artificial defense strategies in place to protect ourselves from pain. With everyone on every side feeling so defensive, there is no avenue for connection and play unless you're the kind of person who doesn't really care about TheRules. This experience paves the way for many guys to believe (quite reasonably! when you follow the emotional logic) that "women are lying about wanting nice guys and actually crave the attention of assholes." And for women to believe (also quite reasonably!) that most guys really do seem to be assholes... _especially_ the so-called "nice" ones. Speaking generally, the people who seem to be the most invested in keeping their communication straight appears to be the broader queer community. (Makes sense. Bucking societal norms in general is totally their jam.) Perhaps not coincidentally, nearly every person in my close circle has some sort of openly queer identity marker and I feel this is the crowd where "my people" are far more easily found. Unfortunately, because our foundational social traumas are so hard to shake until everybody decides to do some serious work toward reconciliation in our shattered social fabric, some of my identity markers tend not to be very welcome in the queer space. (It doesn't help that genuine work toward reconciliation is so hampered by Those In Power profiting so abundantly from fueling our divisions.) So I find myself kind of caught in a socially vacuous void between worlds, at least until I finish de-programming myself enough to get my own communication shit aligned with what human connectivity is supposed to be. Tl;dr: Dodged going full "redpill" thank goodness, but I have... opinions... that may be received unpopularly on all sides. Listen to your hearts though, everybody. You know it to be true.

@@umbrascitor2079 There's a lot to unpack here. I'd like to understand your comment better if you don't mind answering some questions. 1) What are your basic needs for human connection? Is this referring to sex or just general interactions with others? 2) What are The Rules? Are they flexible rules if different people have different ideas about them? 3) Why is it your job to follow the script when you describe others thriving by breaking them? 4) What are these identity markers for both the queer crowd and yourself and why would you not be welcome in that space? 5) Who are Those In Power and how do they profit from fueling divisions?

Sounds a bit like you buried your issues with work ?

@@Alalilaful Ironically, having something to focus on can disrupt that kind of feedback cycle. If work provides that sense of meaning then you don't need to go digging for it as much elsewhere. If that achieves a balance that ends up with more net happiness, I think it's fine.

@@Alalilaful I'm dating more now than I was then, and sometimes I actually forget to respond to someone now (not that that feels good). It's a matter of having all of the areas of your life balanced or at least being occupied/busy with more than just girls/guys.

Same here!

it will end in a few months , after that alot times people stop talking to each other because they love that high it gives

You run out of things to talk about, you don't talk to each other as much as you used to, doubts start flying, frustration increases, fights happen, nothing lasts forever. Just be completely honest with how you feel and ask the other person to do so and take anything they say with an open mind, in the end it all depends on how much one person is willing to adapt for the other because after that high phase ends life comes in and you both can't dedicate as much time to each other as you hoped you could.

Just be yourself

Or they don't suddenly ditch you

I always remember this saying about how for a marriage to last, you gotta be friends/besties with your love partner. Because yeah, when the high of lovestruck & lust settles down, what's left is our ordinary everyday selves. If we can open up and still vibe or compromise with each other's everyday selves like we would as besties, that's a keeper. For that to happen, you need to - as Dr. K said - listen to their needs, understand yourself and healthy communication, even if it's not romantic nor sexy. Me & my fiance have been together for 2.5 years and so far I can confirm that those things are important 👍 ❤️ If the super strong closeness still naturally happens after years of knowing each other then great! But yeah, remember that you will live with their ordinary self & vice versa.

Hahah for real

Alcoholists and smokers be like

It only works for a certain situation it doesn't work for all relationships and that's the issue

Oh boy...thats some serious anxiety. You are strong enough to handle rejection. You are strong enough to handle so many things, you just haven't experienced it yet. You'd be surprised how eager people are to talk if you keep things casual, like inviting people to meet up, focusing on what you have in common, listening to their responses. Idk texting is a very bad metric to judge relationships, it should only be a means to setting up meetings with people you actually want to spend time around, I think.

Maybe they didn't feel like the ball was in their court

@@bobobsen It doesn't get clearer than "hmu when you're free so we can play" That's an actual text I sent to a friend 2 weeks ago and got nothing after him saying "sure"

​@@luciole2594yikes

​@luciole2594 yup

What kind of behaviors/life changes did you have to adopt to improve? I feel like my goal is to be more authentic because allowing myself to be myself has always been tough, although I'm slowly getting there

@ExtremelyOnline Guy man you're so confused...

Yeah, 16 year-olds today really don't know how lucky they are to have this video available. I'm also mid-30's and it also took me a lot of time/pain to understand the points in this video.

@@koftu As a 16-yr-old, I can confirm this is the case :D

Yeah that interaction is easily seen through learned that as a teenager even though some insecure girls reciprocated I leaned away from it

@@jmarch_503 I think that’s a good point of some of these things are from a different experience. Habits need to reassessed from what you want now.

@@jmarch_503 I was actually one of these teenage girls, and just thought those were just nice. And they were, I was an introvert talking to my favorite person, like a good morning text before school when you have been crushing for weeks is romantic. But getting good morning text with full engagement all day in college and expecting consistent responses takes up my time (and yours) and feels like rushing to a place I’m not ready for in the beginning of a relationship as an adult often times (getting funky). Many people over compliment or over invest before ghosting (or just clingy, both red flags). It doesn’t translate into long term relationships all that well either. This person sounds like how the “nice guy” starts after getting more responses as an a-hole but people aren’t single forever unless they have reasons lol.

@@sydneyharp1989 I don’t need all day engagement. You got shit to do and so do I. But “good mornin beautiful good luck with your (x) today, c ya soon” is pretty much how I handle it. I Don’t try and make it too much, but ig i look at it as just a “you got this, love ya, have a great day” kind of vibe. Idk

@@flabbysmile4475 yeah like I said it’s contextual. Sometimes it can be blanketed under significant other things but if it doesn’t work for your significant other and it’s based in clingy, it’s for them and can’t be expected to uphold if it’s a problem. Letting things get determined on an individual basis isn’t something everyone has to worry about though, so I’m not saying good morning text are a pain. There might be a certain time or place like for me, starting a new job where good morning text might calm me. But you only know by starting slow and communication.

To me that bit at the end, it sounds like what Dr K describes in that the healthy relationship is formed over a long period of time

Maybe try to spread out that emotional need. If you aren't ready for a relationship, try to make some good friends and then you have less to throw at one person. A different solution, would to be just easing into it. If you find someone who you're attracted to and might want to get to know better, remind yourself that you aren't ready to commit to a healthy relationship yet, and switch mental gears to "I want to be this person's friend". Get to know them and enjoy their company, because that doesn't require a romantic or sexual connection. Then maybe you ease into flirting or dating if you're in a place where you're comfortable with that, but if you aren't just tell her that if it looks like she's trying to pursue that. Say "Hey, I enjoy your company and all, but I don't think I'm interested in a relationship right now. Are you ok with just being friends?" or if you aren't sure ask. Clarify that they are looking for a relationship and then ask them what they expect out of a relationship in the sense of "Where are we at right now from your perspective and what are your needs going into this?" and maybe what they're looking for is something you're comfortable giving.

It's unavoidable. They're a person. You'll never always have exactly the right amount of attachment fitting for them because the needs and capacities aren't static. You'll need to compromise at some point. They'll need to compromise at some point. But I know you can do it.

Find time for yourself. People come and go, it's not hard to find them. Although, it's very difficult to find the right one. So just dedicate some time to yourself and then spend free time on someone else. This will make sure that you are still your own person even when you are in a relationship and you won't overwhelm them, since you are busy with yourself. Also, when you have something to do, you will have more meaningful conversations, instead of wondering what to talk about because you discussed basically everything in the first week.

@@NightWing1800 imo the issue with trying to make friends first is that you're just being dishonest, from experience the whole having feelings for your friend thing works out absolutely horribly and is hurtful to the other person, after all what you did was essentially kinda fake being a friend to them because what you really wanted all along was to get in their pants, you can lie to yourself that you're just looking for a friend but I've found it's not at all that easy to get the other expectation completely out of your system, if not impossible

If you can't hold on loosely, relationships aren't for you.

Sadly, such understanding people are rare.

For real, I knew it was true. But it's nice to hear from someone else.

would you care to elaborate on the online friendships part? im kinda having issues with it as well

A true friend will find a way to contact you even if you push them away and ask if you need help I guess we do live in age of loneliness

This.

That was a year ago. Is your relationship with your best friend better now?

How did this work out? Same for me with my bff happened after five years made no sense I thought we were good. I never felt clingy to him and he to I and we could talk all day or not it didn’t matter but more often than not. Kind of blows my mind he ditched me after asking to hang out. No empathy I guess. I’m only asking for him to say hi and talk for a few minutes to help ease me out of this it feels really unfair to have all that and expect all that and then just give it all to another friend without telling me first. I got blindsided the day before my birthday when he disappeared. He spends every evening almost always alone with her now and I struggle to get a text or a few minutes and I’m lucky to get an hour and a half that’s the best :/ trying not to be sad and rebuild happiness.

Hey! @@mineralbunny8736 I'm sorry to hear that, really. I think for guys sometimes they get super attached to 1 single person..and they forget about everyone else. I certainly have been there. I feel like keep trying and sending texts and trying to connect is all you can do. Obviously I think this shouldnt fully rely on your efforts too!! Dont make effort for people that arent worth it, you know. As for me Things have been well, I think. Had some downs and ups in between things but we always ended up figuring it out. Ended up eventually having a long and proper needed conversation about boundaries.. which kinda helped I'd say. Like sometimes I just do my own stuff, she does her own thing too.. Theres been days where we talk a lot - sometiems very little.. hekk some days we just exchange silly memes or insta reels just for the sake of "hey i havent forgotten about you" and i really dig it. Sometimes I still get sad if i dont get "my daily attention" but its not on my friend but on me, I would say. :> We currently have this reassuring dymanic that won't make me feel left out or upset if she's busy with other people / or just wants to do her things and also ALOT of understanding from her. I respect her for dealing with my dumbass every day :') Also since that comment till now -- its been a year and I think i as a person have grown into a little more positive... so yeaaa