Just to let you know - there is an audio issue. The cut-away scenes (green dress) have basically no audio at all. :(

Same

@@JustSaralius yeah that threw me off at first lol

@@JustSaralius I'm not losing my mind! Thank you ❤

Captions to rescue! (For people who can access them)

It's also very important for people whose bio dad's or mom's just never were really involved in their life or those who were given up for adoption. My nephew doesn't know his bio dad besides from pictures. He is 20 and the only dad he has is my sisters husband who has been in his life pretty much since birth. We call him his father and he calls him that too. The other person is just his bio dad or whatever other creative names my nephew likes to use occasionally. My oldest cousin is adopted, his only parents are my aunt and uncle. That's how he sees it and that's therefore how I see it as well. I know that's something very personal so I usually just go by what the person uses themselves.

Thanks for sharing your experience of this. I'm a solo parent and biological mum to a "donor baby" and so far, I maintain that he doesn't have a father. Yes there is a person who contributed DNA but that person has never met kiddo or had any interest of being a parent to him or anyone else. This is, apparently, very abstract for some people. I wish there were separate words for "parent i.e adult who cares for you and helps you while you grow up" and "parent i.e biological progenitor/DNA donor".

A term I’ve heard a teacher use with her young students- “Raisins” 😂 Hilarious, light, inclusive term. Instead of discussing Dads and Mums when referring to adult carers in the home, she asks “Who are your Raisins?” Who is RAISING you? Inclusive and non-judgemental and allows the family to define themselves and their roles. Grandparents, Aunts, Cousins, Friends, Fosters, Single parents, couples… makes zero assumptions. Perhaps a more formal, new adjectives and nouns will evolve soon. ​@@narnigrin

You explained this beautifully!

Really? I was honestly concerned that they are so strick about saying "donor" over "father." I know many adopted children, and I've heard a handful of donor babies voice this too, have a huge lack of self not knowing about their biological family. My cousin, despite her biological parents being HORRIFIC to her and she does very much hate that they treated her so poorly, still sometimes refers to her biological family - not her bio parents though because they were horribly abusive I assume - by the titles they would be: Grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, etc. She also tend to refer to us as family, if she likes the individual. She HATES when I say, "We're French..." because biologically she isn't even though she was raised in French-Canadian culture. My great-grandpa was likely adopted and I definitely wonder about that part of my family. If I had a donor child I would use the term "father." A father doesn't have to be a dad though. To me, a father is biology and can also be a job. A dad, to me, is just the job. I'd be afraid that my child would feel like they can't talk about being a donor child nor ask where they came from. Everyone is different though. I'm glad to hear that avoiding the term "father" is actually better for some donor-born people. I don't have any desire to have biological children; I want desperately to adopt. I guess I just assumed that most donor babies would have similar struggles with identity and abandonment that most adoptees have.

some people are close-minded, don't listen to them

I love that you put it as her being a part of you. ❤ It baffles me that people can’t see that someone can be a pillar in a child’s life without being biologically related to them. We’re godparents for our best friends’ little one, and I swear I love that child with every fiber of my being. I like to think that it won’t matter as he gets older that we’re not blood, because all he’s going to feel is the love we’ve been showering him with for his entire life. Bc honestly that’s what we tend to remember anyway about our childhoods-not who was or wasn’t in our DNA, but how people made us feel. I’m so happy you have the love from your mom to cherish always. ❤

Thank you for this Message. I am a soon to be Non Bio Mum who is very nervous for my unborn son, but your resilience and emotional intelligence has been super reassuring.

I didn't either! I love learning new things from her.

Only semi related but there was a TV show in my country last year I think about three women who decided to become mothers together! One put the egg, one the womb and one (a trans woman) the sperm and they all raised the child together. I never managed to catch it but the dynamic seemed very interesting

@@maitesoto1953 That is incredible, thank you so much for sharing!!

@@maitesoto1953 Did you find out what it was called?

@@PrincessLioness there was a first one called Pequeña Victoria (little victory) where the was a fourth mum that helped with the raising of the baby and a spin off called Pequeñas Victorias that starts when the little girl starts primary school

I have some straight friends who talk about how how much they hate the term “we are having a baby” but sometimes babies really are a team effort? Like even if only one person is carrying the baby, the decision to conceive and the timing and planning in queer families can often be a joint decision so it really is a “we” not just an “I’m pregnant”. It’s very context dependent.

@@anastaciamenemenils8508 I think "we are having a baby" is all encompassing of any couple that is going to have a baby (via IVF, adoption etc). However, as a woman who has a one year old, I have to say that "we are pregnant" is a bit of a pet peeve haha.

Personally, I think we're having / have had a baby is fine, but we're pregnant (unless both parties are actually pregnant) is a bit of an odd phrase. There are definitely different experiences between being pregnant vs supporting a pregnant partner, but after that as Jessica said it's mostly just parenting.

I noticed that when my sister gave birth too. My family was asking about the baby nonstop but didn't ask about her and how she was doing... I made sure to be the sister to always ask about her health and wellbeing, cuz moms should always be part of this equation! (Tho to add to Jessica's point, no one asked about how the father was either. As far as I noticed.)

She's lucky to have a friend like you. I have a friend like that (I told the hospital she was my sister & put her on my HIPAA release so she could be included in everything) and we call her "Auntie Her Name". I delivered at 33 weeks by emergency c-section & Auntie X she was there only a few hours later. She flew thousands of miles with no notice. I didn't get to hold my son at all when he was born. He went straight to the NICU & I was incredibly sick with preeclampsia so I couldn't see him for two days. She video chatted from the NICU those first two days & slept on a cot in my hospital room for a week. She even ended up moving in with us & helping us with the baby for the first two years of his life. It was a very traumatic birth (& post partum) experience, and I'm forever grateful for her.

@@reeba4824 I think it should be in order of who is most concern. Baby first, because babies are the most likely to possibly not be ok, and also they're new to the world and therefore very exciting, then the person who gave birth, as they could potentially also not be ok, although they're at less risk than the baby, and then anyone else who was involved, like a second parent or birthing partner, because they shouldn't have been in any real danger, but it's important to check if they're doing well emotionally.

been there, do that. 💤😴😴🛏🛏

🤣

She's been raised with pesticides 😔

This is a great excuse for me to finally ditch my Samsung and get an apple phone lol

Can confirm, my Pixel is fine!

I'm watching from a windows laptop and the sound was fine

Just in case it helps with troubleshooting, I’m on an iPhone but also have no sound during the green outfit sections.

I’m watching on an apple iPad and the sound isn’t working on the green top shots

Yes, same. I actually thought the sound went out. Marvelous video and topic. You are a beacon!

I hear nothing

I'm hard of hearing and can't hear these parts at all! The auto-generated captions don't even pick up what she's saying.

I hear the words totally fine, but it is almost like an under water sound..?

Yeah the switching back and forth is difficult to manage on a sensory level. But it’s a topic I’m very familiar with, as the “non bio” mom to a now 25 year old who my ex wife gave birth to and a now 19 year old adopted through domestic adoption.

The actual circumstances aside, that kinda cute how your parents put it.

Because of the way they put it, I always thought he was chosen especially for me! And I was pretty old before I caught on that people usually got younger brothers and sisters!

You and all the IVF babies should say you have two bellybuttons! 😊 That should be fun to see people's reaction.😨😱 😂😂

I find it hilarious how IVF and c-section babies can both relate on the whole "not conceived/born the traditional way" thing. I used to love telling kids in my class that I popped out of my mom's stomach like a xenomorph lol

well said and so true !

Very good point. Thank you.

That's true. I live in Poland where children of two moms are being denied citizenship as polish administration workers don't know how to transcribe birth certificates as there are only mother and father fields in polish forms.

@@JankoWalski-hz3lu that is awful!

@@JankoWalski-hz3lu i remember hearing about some really disheartening anti-Lgbt+ stuff happening in Poland a while back, what’s the general climate like there now?

@@AnEmu404 there's no change for the better in sight.

It's helping me to start to process some emotions and fears. I just want to let you know I'm grateful 🙏

My friend just did this. She hasn’t had a partner since her divorce but wanted a child. She had some infertility issues, but successfully had a baby last year. That kid is so loved, but I hate all the people who thought she was cheating the kid by pursuing parenthood absent of an active father.

@@TheDawnofVanlife omg I had no idea you were still making KZfaq videos. I remember coming across your channel several years ago when you were still in your minivan. Hopefully you’re doing well.

That’s going to be my situation. I’m torn between adoption and using a sperm bank as a single woman. It seems so much more difficult to adopt as a single parent than to just pick a donor. I’m still in the process of figuring out what I want but I’m glad I’m not alone in this

​@@TheDawnofVanlifewhy do you hate that when there are literally statistics that prove your opinion silly?

I know . A friend of my really really was looking forward to raising his kids. And he found it difficult to find a job they would consider him a perent . He has to pretend he doesn't actely have kids thet he's loosing sleep over and thet is crazy

Oh for sure! As Jessica was speaking, I was thinking about my own feelings around my future (not cis) fatherhood, at this first period of it at least. Birthing person cares for the baby, partner cares about birthing parent before and after birth. And I think that's all important and fair. However, the other partner must be cared for as well, and I can very clearly see how, in a similar situation I wouldn't seek support knowing my partner already has a ton on their back. What Jessica said was extremely soothing to my general anxiety tho! (Also the fact that my partner said they might not want to carry- so the situation will probs be different)

I feel like the situation is different with step parents, especially when both of the actual parents are involved in the child’s life, than Jessica’s situation. Ultimately she is Ruperts mom, and as such has full responsibility as well as the final say when it comes to how to raise him, that step parents just don’t have. That isn’t to say that step parents can’t have a good relationship with their step kids.

@@PrincessLioness step parents are as good as bio parents *especially* as they literally chose to be in the kids life (as long as they treat the kid as their own that is. My brother’s step-mum is amazing, my dad kicked him out the house) and saying they don’t even count in making *decisions* about the kid’s life is harmful and hurtful and I suggest you fucking stop. Especially don’t say that to a stepmother who’s sharing her story about how people invalidate how she’s a mother just cuz she didn’t give birth.

@@emeraldlily673 It’s not about giving birth, that’s not what I was saying, why don’t you fucking stop putting words in my mouth, non bio or not, if you’re who they mom or dad, you’re their parent. I don’t know her situation, and every step parent situation is different. Not every step parent wants to be a parent and not every kid wants a step parent. I for one happen to have a lot of negative experiences with step parents. No they are not always as good as parents (bio or not). I never said they shouldn’t make decisions on the child, but when all chips are down, the parents will get the final say because they’re the ones who decided to bring that child into their situation and they’re on the birth certificate.

@@PrincessLioness Sure it’s probably a little different, but this step mom is sharing how she relates to Jessica’s experience. Without knowing their situation, it’s not fair to invalidate. If you are there for the child day after day, you’re a parent even if you didn’t give birth.

Hi! Kid of a complicated family here. Just wanna say that it means a lot to me to see that you care about your (step) children and that I'm sorry that people treat you like you're a sort of stranger to them. My step-mom didn't like me (much less love me) so it's nice to see that your kids are being taken care of and that you want to be their mom, even though you're not biologically related. It truly warms my heart to see this (I teared up when I read your message). Thank you :) I hope people start treating you well soon!

A "real parent" is someone who raised the child. I don't get this kind of people.

A few months after my wife and I had our first child someone asked us which one of us was “the real” mother. We have also been asked how she got pregnant and why I wasn’t pregnant? All of these questions by virtual strangers. We never knew what to say and those questions really really affected me. Now that our first is five and our second is one we have figured out how to shut down those inappropriate questions, but man people can be so inappropriate.

Thank you so much lovely ❤️

*my oops

@@jessicaoutofthecloset oh wow i actually cried after seeing you reply;;; you, your family and your channel genuinely mean the world to me thank you for everything

The difference there is that the father is (often, unless a donor is used) is still biologically related to the child. Jessica is not, so thats where her concerns came from

I seem people have snarky attitudes about men saying "we".

@@kiarimarie I think people are annoyed when people say “we are pregnant” when only one parent is pregnant. Saying “we had a baby” is not the same thing bc they’re parents and its true that they’re raising a baby together.

@SE Robinson. I feel the same as you. You expressed it so much better than I could. Thank you.

I feel like the differences need to be acknowledged. A lot of people like to downplay just how stressful and damaging pregnancy can be on the body. Not mention postpartum depression. Giving birth is medical procedure and should be treated as such. I feel like people treat it too lightly because it’s “just normal”.

I agree that it's a serious problem for men too. What is with the baby shower thing? Why would you not have the father there? So strange. But a caveat that it makes sense for post partum leave to be longer for the parent who gave birth since it is serving double duty. It is a combination of parental leave and medical leave since giving birth is very physically taxing and takes a while to recover from (even longer if you had birth complications or a c section). You are also recovering from pregnancy which is physically traumatic even without birth. Some countries are now making parental leave the same regardless of who gave birth and having a separate amount of time dedicated for post birth recovery.

Same here!

I always thought it would be a weird adjustment to just having a theoretical baby to having a real life little guy living in ur house

It took me months to feel that blissful connection everyone is talking about. Post partum depression didn’t help, but luckily I had my chosen family listening and supporting along side all the grandparents who were there for us when I needed them to care for the baby. Not everyone have an instant connection with their little ones