😄😄

All in good fun! 🤣

Very lovable. No love for cats then no love for me

Cats can be more loving than some humans.

I've had many cats and many dogs in my life and I can say BOTH make wonderful furry friends🥰

“Changing behaviour” can be tricky though. Some will weaponize this. Be aware.

@@a.b.2850 True!

@@a.b.2850 I understand your point. Maybe it should be tweaked to: "The best apology is a lasting change in behavior."

I did and thank you for writing it down for us.

This is a great list! It’s not mononormative either.

This is a great comment 🔥🔥✊🏾

This is quilt helpful, thank you.

U r kind fr saying the last line

My dog-nutter ex threatened to spray me with the spray bottle that she sprays her dogs with when they misbehave. Also honestly expected me to react to her the way a dog would. She ended up dumping me because she couldn't control me the way she did her dogs.

Yes, the whole “loving animals equates with being great people” thing is really childish black & white thinking. Almost everyone has a dog or cat and they aren’t all nice people 🤷‍♀️

Yeah, my narcissistic ex was a cat lover. His cats were extensions of himself.

That makes a lot of sense. I briefly dated someone who (correctly) identified me as a people pleaser who he could control. It’s so obvious and sick looking back at it. I felt this sense the entire time that he was actively trying to gain full control over me. Fortunately I snapped out of it and got away from him after 2 months. One of the big red flags was that he had a little tiny breed of dog and when he got drunk (daily), he would be aggressive with the dog. The poor thing would sleep on my side, probably hoping I would protect him. I’m not really a dog person due to some trauma from my younger days but I’m getting better now that I understand why.

I guess the thing is though is that I would argue they don’t really love these animals. If they did they would treat them better too. It seems to me that most people treat other animals with less respect; humans have a history of believing they’re better than other animals (so much so that we don’t even call ourselves animals, despite the fact WE ARE), that we deserve to use other animals however we please, treat them as lesser etc.

I understand what you mean. I'm 57 and could have done with hearing this at 18 too

I'm 20+. You guys will be fine. Trust me, the mindset if very powerful. If you guys believe you can, then you can.💯

I've never learned these things. I hope this old dog isn't too old to learn new tricks.

you're 65 ? 😲 You look SO pretty and much younger!!

@@victoryamartin9773 Don't call yourself an old dog😕 You're not too young, trust me. Besides,you don't even seem that "old" in your profile picture 😅

I do agree although I have noticed that the narcissists in my family currently do not have pets. They each had a dog a long time ago who was the best dog that ever was and reject any other pets entering their lives. No other dog can be good enough and cats do not worship them.

I had an ex who loves dogs I guess it's cos they give unconditional love no matter how good or bad they treat them an endless supply for a narc 😂

Exactly !! Had a friend tell me it was a great sign that he had a dog …nope!

@@vernetta111 bro I have so many questions about modern dog ownership because of this. like we have working dog breeds with no purpose or job in our houses to the point where they can't even go to the bathroom without us and call it "love"? when I used to house sit dogs for work, as a lifelong cat person, I found it kind of weird how obsessed the dogs were with me, and would regularly tell them (jokingly, but not at the same time) that they needed to get a life lol I like how cats have their own weird little lives.

"Love of an animal is not necessarily a green flag." ESPECIALLY dogs, because they're easily manipulated. My worst relationships have been with dog lovers/owners.

I dated a couples psychologist briefly. In our first disagreement he used a vulnerable share against me. That was a clear message.

@@chippychick6261 That's the cruelest irony I've ever heard of. I'm so sorry that happened to you. :(

Wow...I really like that one.

​@@chippychick6261therapists are definitely not perfect! Using your own vulnerable shares against you is a HUGE red flag! First couples therapist with my ex couldn't see who he was at all, actually took his side against me, which is not at all what they're supposed to do (remain neutral). The second one was very experienced and saw right through his narcissism but he was balanced about it even then. I didn't know this until years later when his wife (also a therapist) was counselor to me and my new partner. I said can you ask your husband if he knew was ex was a cheater and a liar? She came back and told me "oh yes, he knew 100%."

jeez, yes. That's a good one.

4(which is actually #1 for me): He exudes compassion.

and likes dogs

@@burnyizland 💖

@@mariarusek1851 🤣

Unfunny people need love too 🥲

I know this to be true! This particular flag of emotional vulnerability applies to Grandiose Narcissists, but the more insidious Covert Narcissists pull you in with their one sided tales of woe. They activates a woman's mothering instinct and you are bonded to him as you seek to heal his pain with your lavish love and attention.

100%! This was my experience, as well!

This is true! I learned that communication is also ammunition for a narcissist to use to keep you gaslit and manipulated by using what you’re communicating to them against you. As long as I listen to the way I feel, I won’t even communicate. I just ghost and narcissists who thrive on gaslighting you NEED you to “communicate” so they know how to flip the script. Once you stop communicating, their games can’t work!

It’s a green flag *if* it’s true. Lying about truly being sorry and not actually doing something to fix the offense is just lying. Red flag.

That's why the only sorry you accept is changed behavior.

Absolutely! Same thing happened with me and my Golden Retriever.

I've had a similar experience

excellent! I never trusted anyone my Lab didn't like. Well done you for trusting your dog.

Exactly! Been there... a narcissist could never endure the torture of your cat ignoring you cuz the cat doesn`t feel like it right now... lol.

Justin Bieber song, "My Dog Don't Like You And He Likes Everyone"

Great observations, especially the part about the love detectors. Learning to see things with honest eyes and an honest heart helps both partners.

Agreed

You hit the nail on the head! Those of us with CPTSD have often been so messed with in this area. We were told to ignore our feelings. And while I've had many therapists condemn me for making bad choices, not a single one offered me tools to make a better choice. All they said was to look for red flags, which usually didn't pop up until later in the connection after a bond had been created and was difficult to sever.

Look also into Amy Kerr's work. Her videos are gold on healthy dating structure. Sorry Jimmy for promoting others here😅 your work is amazing and very on point every time.

One detail…..he is not a therapist……just another snake oil,doctor

This was huge. I spent the first 6 months waiting for the other shoe to drop as it had in other relationships. I realized with this guy, I was more relaxed WITH him than when he wasn't around. One year in and we've never had one argument! 🎉

Arguments are at times part of most relationships it's normal,and both can grow and learn from them ☺️​@@gypsygirl6010

Dogs read us almost entirely on emotions. If anything, your dog knew your feelings, and theirs before you did!

I had a Chihuahua that would hide behind me when my then-boyfriend would come in the room. Dogs can certainly be a good judge of character.

I agree! My ex was so jealous of my cat and actually get me an ultimatum- I either had to choose him or the cat. Given that he made my life a living hell and made me cry and the fact that I love cats, guess who I chose?? 😻

@@angieblake3424 The moment a person declares “You have to choose: Me or your pets,” I can tell them they are wrong-choosing implies that I would have to think about it.

@@GellaHumbug59yeah if you make me chose between you and someone who is not violent/emotionally manipulative, I'm always dumping the person giving the ultimatum.

Thats wonderful!!

Love it¡!!!!!! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

There's a Chinese drama, "You are my glory", which really gives beautiful insight into what a healthy loving relationship looks like. Highly recommend watching it.

Aww that's so good to hear! Happy for you!😊

I think it would come across better without using the word "but", it can diminish what you said before.

Yes, very few people understand and know how to speak genuine apologies, even though it's easy enough to learn about how to do it, as there are some good experts who've written and talked about it. Instead, they speak various versions of non-apologies. Many people who won't apologize see apologizing as something which would rob them of their already shaky sense of self-worth or sense of power.

OMG that's so true.

🤣

Completely agree ❤

I was about to comment myself about the cats/respect for boundaries connection, glad someone beat me to it!

There's something vile in a man who really hates cats. A guy doesn't have to like them, but if he hates them, watch oit!

👏 People who like cats can handle people who say no or need alone time.

A relationship with a cat takes effort, and anyone who isn't interested in a relationship that takes work isn't someone who will put in the work with you to be healthy together.

I don’t like cats because they shit in the house, their shit had parasites in it to the point pregnant women shouldn’t empty litterboxes, they smell mark furniture, scratch furniture or woodwork, and murder like 6-10 birds per night if they escape and go outside. Super not cute creatures

Allergies exist . Though i like cats.

I don’t like them solely based on not just personal experience of them peeing on personal items but also being in hundreds of homes for work and seeing that it wasn’t just my house growing up! It doesn’t matter if it’d be dogs, cats, humans, etc… if you are constantly finding something to pee & poop on like my bed, pillow, carpet, and whatnot, I don’t like you 🤣

I learned this as a teen. Everyone should, it's empowering.

I so appreciate that this indicates acknowledging and validating the experience *before* taking responsibility. I was told as a young adult that my actions were my responsibility, while my experience was waved off as inconsequential. Getting validation so I could start to move out of damaged patterns took another thirty years.

I wish I could tattoo that phrase onto some people’s foreheads 🥴

Me too.

Same

Agreed 💯

Agreed! I'd love to see a TED talk from him!

Ted is dead

Jimmy has 174,000 views on this one -- that's a pretty BIG audience I'd say!😊

I didn't realise there was a name for it until a few years back, after I ended a good 7 year relationship because he just wasnt growth minded and I outgrew that.

Thank you.

100% agree!

Exactly

100% very wise!

You are on the wrong video…victims of narcissistic people are constantly blaming themselves, so your comment applies more to the narcissist. What those of us who survive these monsters need to do is learn how to create boundaries, not examine our behaviour any further. We need to learn how to gain self esteem, and learn how to avoid narcissists in the future.

I agree. An apology alone means nothing. What matters is, do they change the behavior? Or in your example, is the apology real? Fake apologies over things they didn't do takes the cake.

I had an interesting partner who would never tell me he was sorry, but would genuinely change his behaviour. It wasn't a perfect relationship, but it was really informative and interesting.

@@hiddenechoes that's really good. The change matters more than the apology IMHO. Though of course both would be better.

That almost sounds like this person couldn't handle facing their mistake or didn't want the confrontation and so they just decided to change because it was easier for them. I don't know for sure but that's what it makes me think of. 😊​@@hiddenechoes

That rules out 99% of the population then.

True. Love of cats is a much better indicator than love of dogs because cats need you to be kind and respectful of boundaries or they won't stay around you.

Sometimes not.

Some people love dogs because they can be very submissive and devoted even to bad people. If they hate cats that’s when you know there is a problem

It is possible to have compassion for animals but not for humans.

I agree! This is the first time I’ve watched a “narcissist “ video and actually felt a calm kind of 🤔 well that’s interesting. Instead of feeling like crying.

Absolutely agreed! Another thing ppl don't think about & is rarely mentioned is the element of confirmation bias... IE what you think of, you become subconsciously primed to find. It's the same concept as how social media algorithms work. If you go into every interaction already believing everyone is a walking red flag, you're going to find reasons to confirm that belief while rejecting any information that opposes it. I think this is partly what drives much of the hyper-use of the narcissist/ toxic label these days. I know when my ex had been freshly diagnosed & I started learning more about the disorder, I got a bit freaked out because I was seeing red flags in everyone, all the time. I wouldn't let myself trust anyone new because I thought everyone I spoke to was narcissistic. It wasn't until I found an article about how confirmation bias can play with your head that I realized what was happening. I was able to see things more clearly & started delving into the nuances of spotting the flags instead of reacting. Not too long ago, I heard someone say their therapist told them to "assume every man you date is a narcissist until proven otherwise". I couldn't help but think "well that sounds horribly irresponsible & a recipe for cycles of self-sabotage."

You are 100% correct!

I've been in such a situation for two whole years, and only yesterday, had the courage to end it. Never did I think a breakup could feel like a relief. I can breathe better now

BIG RED FLAG! I too was in that sort of relationship and it took me several years to find a therapist that believed me and not him. Best decision I ever made. I WASN'T the crazy one. But it takes years to undo the damage. Sill working on it and, by the grace of God, getting much much better.

@@alycewich4472 it was so baffling to me that he thought it was WEIRD that I was constantly trying to work on myself and grow as a person! Like you are literally weird if you think someone going to therapy is a negative thing!!

I’m sorry you went through that. He’s jealous that you’re actually bettering yourself and are responsible for yourself, which is something he wishes he could do.

Good choice!

I really wish I knew this very important tip when I was dating…it would have saved me a lot of heartache and drama!

This video will be on repeat for me. ❤❤❤. Feels like I need no other video/advice. ❤❤❤

This is a SUPER important point. I’m currently in a support group for women who are in or were in abusive relationships, and one lady in the group says it’s her current healthy relationship that actually makes her feel weird. She doesn’t know how to be, and in her words, “it freaks me out.” When we grow up in toxicity, our brains become wired that way, and bad behaviours will feel normal, while healthy ones will feel scary. I have found it helpful to withdraw from almost every relationship in my life while I detox. I also read about psychology, so that I can begin to have knowledge of what healthy is supposed to be. It is re-training my brain, and I AM starting to notice that my body feels very much at peace around certain safe people. But yeah, it takes practice.

This hit a spot, it's my reality as well. I don't know what is safe place so that I can look for it or recognize it. Also because of that, I become extremely defensive towards all, demonizing them and picking up red flags constantly, as I foremost can not trust myself that I will ever pick a safe place.

@@theladyamaltheaI can relate to what you have written, I have recently met a man who seems really nice but I’m terrified of caring for him and I’m finding red flags and trying to push him away?! I just can’t trust and be comfortable.

Everyone: Check out Monica Yearwood. She has tips on rebuilding self trust!

I have learned from my past that ‘safe’, to me, feels calm and even ‘boring’… and l now view the feeling of ‘butterflies’ and nervous energy as a warning sign rather than something to be excited about. If we listen to our bodies and have done/are doing the inner work- then our nervous system will tell us- with reasonable accuracy if rest and calm is right or if fight/flight is needed or triggered…

😂 I’m sorry! I love Cats too

@@JimmyonRelationships thank you :)

Good. For. You!👍💪

Same

Yes because extremism in any form is sick all by itself. I once went to a persons house for the first time who basically let the dogs sit at the table with us for lunch, then when we sat on the front porch in rocking chairs the one dog kept sitting under my chair, i was told to stop rocking and watch out for the dog. Ever think of telling the dog to go lay down ??? No, not at all. I was all set on that prospective friendship after one visit. I also knew a lady who thought it was funny how many pair of “tory burch shoes” her dog chewed up. She kept buying more. So shes alone with her dog because the dog comes first, In everything.

Narcs can love plants too, plus they're smart enough to know women do.... just like they know we love apologies, and animal lovers. Careful out there!

i dated a "plant guy" using this logic, turned out to be a nightmare very fast

@@amethyst0ne Plant narcs be using their dark narc magic on us.

He has often talked about how they are his wife's plants... or emotional support plants maybe! Lol

YES!!

They can cuddle up to you and without warning scratch you hard. They're narcs 😂

​@@jenster29😂🤣🤪

@@jenster29 Cats never scratch for no reason or without warning. You're just terrible at noticing the warning signs.

I agree, and I'm sure he intends the dog rant in good fun. 😂 To me the healthier green flag is if they can be kind/ polite to animals and people they aren't exactly crazy about. Also, do they actually love anything or anyone in a sacrificial and pure manner besides themselves?

Ha, Ha! Loved the dog joke!

❤

So I think what he's trying to say is.....just get a dog!😂

🎯💯

Yes absolutely. Most people will watch that video and think "yeah! i gotta get all that love and respect and admiration and affection and dedication and blablabla that i 200% deserve!" but not stop for a second and ask themselves if they aren't setting the bar all the way up to perfection while have no intention of setting theirs anywhere near as high.

And they're BOTH adorable.

😂😂😂

i believe he might have meant genuinely hating the dog. its good to know when you dont mix well with someone/something due to factors like traveling imo :)

You love animals. That's enough. I have a master's in zoology and haven't had a pet last thirty years bc I have to travel so much but love animals. Won't be fair on them. Check my yt history....all animal videos😂....also I'm not a reptile person....my son's friend loves them.

Honestly I would just generalize it to "them treating animals well" It would be silly to judge people on whether they like certain animals or not unless you want to have that animal as a pet

Not wanting to own an animal =/= not liking that animal, you do realize that right? Just like someone having their reason to keep their distance. They could be allergic or something. You don't have to just tackle every animal you love when you see them to love them. There's such a thing as "i love this animal, but just from watching distance".

@@Ash_Wen-liI agree. As a trainer I have been to many homes where people claim to love their pets but don’t care for them in terms of cleaning up poop, grooming, nail trimming, washing the gunk of the food/water bowls. You know, the “extra mile” thing.

Or grandkids.

This is so true.

Or just any relationship in general

I have that with cats 😅 animals in general actually.

Dogs don't respect boundaries. That objection is reasonable; not everyone likes drool or being jumped on. I've met many narcissists who love dogs because dogs can be abused and they still obey.

@@runr100 Dogs usually do respect boundaries if they are raised and trained properly. It goes without saying that most people do not do either of those. There are rare cases where training doesn't help because dogs all have individual personalities, albeit there is far less variance in personality compared to cats. But otherwise i agree.