That's exactly what I observe. I've realized in life I've attracted people who treated me the same as my relatives. I've felt I have to "prove" that I am worthy of somebody attention. That I am trustworthy, etc. That I am NOT anything wrong. But their feedback was always: "no matter what you do, you will never be good enough". "No matter what you do, you will never get what you deserve to get". The same exact treatment from: multiple relatives, schoolmates, teachers, work etc. No matter how much work you do, you won't be paid for it. It's crazy to me, how those patterns repeat. I am still healing from it, I am learning I can call someone without feeling guilty that I waste their precious time. It's terrible to feel that you have to "prove" someone, that you are worthy of their breadcrumbs.

I was always on the fool's errand of proving myself.

The old adage that 'the best revenge is living well' must have been invented by abused kids of narcissistic parents - nothing seems to get under their skin more than seeing their own kids do well in life after a childhood of being told how worthless they are . Really something to strive for for scapegoats . I was my covert narc mother's lifelong scapegoat and eventually also my overt narc father's target for abuse . The most memorable thing I was called almost daily was a 'rotten good for nothing' . Dozens of other names , insults , putdowns and threats of physical harm and death constantly. . NO CONTACT was the only way for me to deal with this later . It is criminal that parents get away with treating young minds and bodies in these most abusive ways . These same wicked people actually believe their beaten down victims owe them care and support in their old age . Whenever I hear someone being criticized for not being involved in their parents' care in later years I will always say that there was probably a lot more going on in that home during earlier years than you know about .

Sometimes they can praise or more often speak about your accomplishments to other people… but only really because it helps build their self esteem. They don’t really see you.

It took me 46 years to realize there was no peace, no grace, no approval, no genuine love to be expressed by our mother. Effort and success on her behalf were reliably met with denial, marginalization, envy, rage, physical or emotional abuse. No matter how much effort I put into comforting, loving, spending time with Mom, she would ultimately reciprocate with backbiting, mockery, ridicule, and misconstruing to her "friends" and flying monkeys. There was no "winning". So, as a middle-aged man, I finally walked away. To her dying day, she continued to project her problems onto us scapegoats. So pathetic! It's a fool's errand to attempt to correct her lies, to prove the truth to the narcissist's enablers and codependents. The best route is the one that leads away to new opportunities, to people who know how to love and accept.

***SENSE OF BEING IMPORTANT*** that is nailing it on the head. We were not ever given the idea that we were important.

Jay is one of the most intelligent sensitive pople on here. He tackles deep emotional issues of the abused child in such a way that it goes much deeper than the everyday cliched speak about narcissism that has started to just go over my head. I had a very complex childhood. I was unknowingly the product of my mothers affair a third child who was to become part of the original family with my 'step' dad knowing about the affair but deciding to stay with my mum and his two other daughters. What followed over the years I can only describe as a nightmare! I was subjected to narcissism by all family members I believe. The dynamic was a rageful victim type mum who suffered from depression and despondency coupled with bouts of kindness A distant father who actively favouritised his two birth daughters leaving me out of trips games and holidays and two sisters who conspired on a regular basis to trick me leave me out and aggressively push me away.As the youngest i was gaslighted into believing that i was spoilt and strong willed as i fought to be accepted at other times i tried to play the victim to get my own way. I knew nothing about my real dad My mum had confided in my middle sister who was the ' Golden' child and she ended up being the one who actually met my real father and felt so justified in this she told me how 'nice` he was! I was not able to tell anyone about my dad until i was in my 30s i had found out through a christmas card whrn i was 14! We were brought up strictly to present as a `normal` family. I am in my third narcissitic adult partnership ( i have married two of them! ) Two of my children that i poured so much of my unconditional love into( in that small child way of wanting acceptance at any cost) have become narcissitic! My early years have had such an impact on my adult life my family have stubbornly refused to ever understand or even concede that there was anything wrong my mum has even gone as far as to suggest i had the best of both worlds even though i never met my father and half of my family is missing from my life! I am so glad i found Jay and i cannot wait to do the course. Todays video reduced me to tears because that small child when you do manage to finally get some distance is such a beautiful child worthy of love and blameless in a situation where there was no control.

My mother was an insidious covert narcissist, and I know exactly why. She lost her mother at the age of four, and a year later, her father married a woman who abused her and her sister. She was told that, if she were good, she could see her mother again in heaven. She was so good, she could never admit to any flaw, or error. She funneled all that stuff to me. Generational trauma really sucks.

Since I have realised the ‘game’ that has been played on me, by all the narcissistic people in my life - I’ve lost that anxious need to prove myself. Instead of my lifelong inward questioning of ‘how can I change/improve’? I’ve started some outward questioning ‘why is this person treating me this way? What’s their agenda?’ This process was delayed massively by the philosophy that we can’t change other people, only ourselves. That may be true, but sometimes the only thing we need to change in ourselves is our toleration and openness to others. But if you’ve endured a lot of abuse, first you have to build a structure of ‘self’ in order to differentiate yourself and build an identity other than the one projected on you.

So easy to not care what they think now that I know the inner workings of how they became a narcissist. Learning that deep down on the inside the narcissist is nothing more than a cowardly scared pathetic clown constantly on the verge of pooping their pants was the most enlightening part of letting all of that go, made it so easy. It's like oh, this is who is intimidating me or oh this is that gorgeous hunk of man who it's supposed to love me. Oh okay nah😜

It won't matter what you do to prove your worth, and show they were wrong about you. It will still not be good enough, or if you outshine them, they will be angry and act even worse toward you.

This definitely hits home! Intertwined with previous "human being vs human doing". These type of people never appreciate your human being, so no need to bother with human doing. They will never be happy and delighted in you just being you. They don't deserve your precious time, your precious emotions and your precious efforts. They are just thieves and liars.

Jay, your channel is a "ONE STOP SHOP" for explaining all of the madness we experienced! Thank you so much for your wisdom, knowledge, insight and enlightenment! 🙏💜💚

My mother treated me like the scapegoat entire life. Silent treatment started at early age. I am now 60. Finally started no contact 2015. Gave them (mother sister another chance 2019) but went down hill after one year! All I did was jump hoops to prove myself again. Taking care of all my mother appts etc meanwhile sister golden child did nothing and got all the kudos. Done. Now I’m back to no contact with sister and low low grey contact with 88 year old mother. Trust/Will held over my head … unfortunately only reason I’m grey rock. Got nothing whole life and can’t let my sister flying monkey get it all to the end. Sounds bad I know but anger always there for me. Joanne

I remember at eight years old, my dad said, how dare you make breakfast for yourself and not make breakfast for your brother! I realized that my father was not a good person and that he wanted me to be his mother instead of his daughter.

I know you don't know me personally but you just read me. And that's exactly the relationship I had with my father. I once asked my father if he thought I was a smart person. I mean I worked hard my entire life to gain his validation, I didn't socialize enough as a teen in order to get good grades so I can get into the best University. And I graduated, got my degree. My dad still didn't think I was smart. He still talked down on me. Belittled my business and just treated me badly despite spending years to gain his validation. Also I stopped expecting bread crumbs from him. He didn't spend a single day with me, and when I demanded more, he became more overtly abusive. I called the police on him and my mother. They lied on me and gaslit me and the police. He said he won't change. 2 days later, I went No contact with him. He has been trying to hover me back.

You described my father = the covert narcissist. He was the altruistic narcissist who focused on others with church missions and humanitarian initiatives. As a child in the 90s I would often joke that one day they would invent a device to permanently attach the phone to someone’s head since my father was always on the phone. So I now joke that I’m the inventor of Bluetooth technology. My father, along with me, was my borderline (narcissistic) mom’s primary target. He often would lean on me to vent his feelings about my mom and how she mistreated him. He was never interested in my experiences and would cut me off when I attempted to share them. So this became the dynamic from childhood and into adulthood. Never once did my father offer any sort of protection from my mom. He used my mom’s borderline personality disorder as an excuse to play victim and do whatever he wanted. She gave him this cover and he milked it. I found it difficult to reconcile why he advocated for strangers but would challenge my mom on the grocery bill and back to school clothes for me and my four siblings. Despite my mom’s failings she provided for our necessities with home cooked meals, back to school clothes and regular dental checkups. Me and my siblings were regularly caught in the middle because both parents had valid arguments sometimes. The only one who offered anyone protection was me as child attempting to defend my dad. Likewise, I did the same for my mom and took on the role of protecting her from herself with her constant threats of suicide. My mom convinced me and my siblings she would die young from from heart failure or some disease. I have news for you, she turns 65 next week and has never had significant health issues despite claims to the otherwise. I was always waiting for the day my dad would “show up”. Meaning, be the father I knew he was capable of. This was because I saw it exhibited with his altruism. But his “kindness” and “empathy” were always directed at strangers and their children. My role was relegated to be his audience and applaud him for his work. It was a liberating and sad day in my mid 30s when I finally realized my dad was never going to show up for me. Despite me explicitly asking him with specificity of what I needed from him. He played dumb and acted confused when I shared some of the abuse I experienced at the hands of my mom. I knew I was going no contact. I made a failed attempt a few years ago. In my second attempt, when I included my dad in the pool of people I broke contact with is when I was finally able to do it successfully. What I didn’t know until just before no contact was that my dad was in on it with my mom, playing both sides. The person who has hoovered me and has been relentless in attempting to draw me back in has been my father. I was his little confidant for so long, the good and dutiful daughter. His arrogance gave him the false conclusion that he had me for life, because I had accepted his crumbs for decades.

I have been conditioned to believe that I am only worthy of consideration through my association with my family and other people. I have organized my life through the viewpoint of others and how much they approve of me and approve of how I live my life. Now that I am trying not to live for anyone else, I am feeling like I don't have a right to exist just for myself. I'm having to learn how to perceive my life in a whole new way, living life based on what I am feeling, and what I need and want. To shift my perspective, I have to keep asking myself how I am feeling and what I need, then giving my self time and space to figure it out.

JAY. It is INSANE how many times you PERFECTLY describe my experience. Starting life 50 yards back from the starting line is spot on.

This reminds me of my narcissistic crazy mother. On day after I've cleaned up the house I was al sweaty and we she said to me "Your face is so sweaty" I dared say "yes I've just cleaned up all the rooms". She responded "Aaaw poor thing you are soooo tired after cleaning, poor little star"

In my retirement at mid 60s I've finally learned to stop trying to earn my worth. I've probably gone the other way and am under-performing on a regular basis. (Though not making promises I won't keep!) It feels gloriously decadent and freeing to finally be at peace with myself. The idea of finding and speaking to my younger self is amazing and will be next on my healing work list. Thank you so much Jay, you're in a class of your own 💖

This helps me so much with my in-laws using me as scapegoate to cover for all the dysfunction in the family. They were so covert... passive aggressive... Maddening! Thank you Jay!! I am ordering the book.

I am telling you, NO ONE understands our scapegoat experience the way Jay does.

I can’t even with this video. I mean. Seriously Dr Reid. MIND BLOWN 🤯 thank you. My jaw dropped a few minutes into this one and …. Just Thank you. So much. ❤️

I am 70. My narc mom is still alive and she still has pow er over me. I've been in therapy for bipolar since age of 20. My father was bipolar narc. Today I heard something hopeful in ur video. I realized I still try to prove my worth to my mother, even though I have financially supported her all my life. Thank u for ur important work.

My covert enabler dad never connected to me. I tried to invite him jogging an activity we shared but he would never connect. He never protected me from mom’s depression and constant cruelty. He raged and terrorized me for nothing I could have done to deserve it. As an adult i see he was taking his personal anger for unrelated things out on me! I always thought I did or said something wrong or that he only had enough love for mom not me. It is eye opening to think He chose to be this because he thought highly if himself. That makes a lot more sense.

This really struck a chord. I will work on bringing the angry acheiver child into the light and give her the credit and love she is long overdue. Thank you

This resonated. Dad died when I was 5. Mom went to work. Caregivers were older sibs who abuse the two youngest. They still do. They dont know it, but they do. For my 16th birthday, they gave me luggage. It was not subtle

I so relate to this the quest. The grades even had anorexia nervosa to try to show my “ father” that i was good. Sometimes i still feel this urge professionaly or in my life but i dont act on it when i know where its coming from

I remember when I was a young kid, my mom was putting cream on her face looking into the mirror. She looked depressed and my narcissistic father also looked strange and upset.

Thanks for highlighting IFS, Jay. I did a year of work daily with my parts. I would have conversations with my younger parts, listen to what they had to say, give them love, support and compassion. I feel that work helped me become more integrated and whole as a person.

When I asked my dad for help with math, he always yelled and got mad at me!! English was his best subject so he helped me sometimes. For some reason, my dad meant the world to me, but I couldn’t get him to connect with me. Instead, he wanted to shut down my voice and make me invisible to him!!

Jay your content is crazy good. I guess when I have need to recovery from crazy bad, I’m gonna when a solution that’s crazy good. Thank you! You’re work is helping change my life for the better.

The parents were incapable. Therefore they cannot be blamed. But we can acknowledge the harm.

I wish I had walked away from a toxic environment where I blatantly didn't fit in. It's not bad that I didn't fit in, it's actually a compliment. Don't sell your soul for anyone

So helpful Jay, from the other side of the world ur powerful explanations are a deep well in a desert of understanding. “Accurate hopelessness 🙌🏾 Thank u 🙏🏾

Slowly but SURELY these help! We are so fortunate that people like yourself put this OUT THERE!

Thank you, you're so right about everything. It's so true. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am 47 female who is the oldest out of five children my parents had. I always been the black sheep in my family. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I have support from friends from church. I been a Christian for over ten years. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. Narcissists never loved us at all Narcissists care about us at all. Narcissists are broken people Narcissists are liars Narcissists are insecure people Narcissists are evil souls from the Devil Narcissists are fake and phony people

this man is talented. I have never heard anyone speak on my experience with such preciseness....

This is the experience I had. A covert narcist mother and a father who only like me when I needed his help. Thanks for this video, its very insightful.

Proving to mother I am good, proving to father I am capable of taking on responsibility. I prove to the myself I can keep my parents together. Proving to siblings I can help them or I am nice. Proving I am not mean just because I'm upset. Proving I am thin like mom, I can stop eating. Proving I have no feelings. Proving I am funny to cover my pain. Honestly, it didn't work. It wore me out. And, i was capable, smart and successful, but I end up destroying my own life- to prove they were right.

I felt like it took any shade the person felt like they needed in the moment. Prove them: right that im good, wrong that im bad, right that im bad and wrong that im good.

Thank You, for sharing this information and your support to live a fuller life.

Life does feel rigged against me no matter what I do to help myself but that could be a false perception.

My parents switched up their psychological war fare to get me to be their butler.

I AM A SURVIVOR 💔❤️‍🔥🖤

ifs is really complicated. ive been 3 years in my healing journey almost. yes, i was taught i needed to earn love or stuff work really hard for it. The narc parent kept moving the goal post. I struggle with perfectionism at times. I am a vulnerable and authentic person, who shares his feelings, and has worked a lot on boundaries as i was the scapegoat and knowing that i have a right to take my space in the world. To express myself and opinion and feelings. I guess understanding that i just deserve love as i am, or i am worthy. Ive done a lot of healing and changed a lot of the feelings of unworthiness, or "inadequacy" that the narc projected at me. I can be articulate, i process things a lot , as an empath, i guess. I like to share the insights i have about my recovery, i like to share my views and thoughts. I like to take my space in the world, and advocate for my needs. All of these are things ive picked up in my recovery... At times though, just relaxing, just being and chilling, letting my guard down a little, can be difficult, also specially if the people that are around me in that moment dont have much love to give anyway. Nice healing process it has been, i know which people are more emotionally available. I guess the narc parent always projected that i wasnt good enough. Ive worked hard to heal, ive attuned a lot, ive taken care of myself , ive spoken up for myself and my inner child. Ive learnt to listen to myself, and give voice to my inner child. I come from an authentic place when i expressmyslef, and not a survival mechanism of fawning. Maybe becoming aware, that i am enough , or that if i have to make too much of an effort to be seen and take my space, those arent my people. Perhaps work on continuing healing in myself, the belief, that i must be in "top performance" so to speak at all times, to be able to be seen or heard. The healing began 3 years ago. And i am a person with a lot more self-respect, a lot more self-compassion, able to speak up for myself a lot more. Able to leave narcisistic people in my family, or in other parts, quickly that have nothing to give . Abble to communicate in his relationships, etc.

My God... this is a lot like how my own father was. And my mother to a degree.

I believe that I can heal my trauma bond and childhood wounds with many long years of therapy. I wish that Dr. Reid was my therapist back in 1990 when I first started my journey for healing. My first therapist didn’t have my back and she told me to send my dad a 25 page letter. However, she wasn’t well versed on subhuman narcissistic behavior at all. Back in the nineties people were living like cavemen without technology or modern psychology. Of course, my dad called me and asked, what’s up with the empty envelope? When I tried to hold him accountable, he yelled “I was in the Military!!” My mother has issues with depression, Bpd, and she took my dad’s side against me to be scathing and cruel!!!

Successful covert parent narcissist do not want their own children to succeed. This is a weird dynamic.

perfect!. both my parents hated me... this what i went thru with both narc parents... they are both dead now and doing better and still working on being the power that i am.

This was my childhood!! Thank you for the invaluable information.

Very Relevant To My Life Story. Learning To Grieve The Father I Never Had. Noticing Something In Me Fixated From Getting Validation From Just That Source. I Guess Thats Just The Childs Way Of Relating To The World Doesn't Know Any Better.

I get triggered every time I watch a video. I believe I have healed and am working on it daily, it's just Jay's words are so true and can relate 100 percent.

Thanks again for this. ❤ I was carrying around alot of heaviness and not sure why until I realized It was multiple narcissists in my life. Friends, strangers, family. I lost myself. I didnt know what was happening to me... I have talent but yet I don't feel motivated because nobody seems to Value me and shows ruthless demeaning devaluing behaviours. These videos help me save my mental health when I have another resources and no support. I felt so invisible

Dr. Reid, I'm not sure where to put this request, and I'm not sure if I should be contacting a grief specialist instead, but I would love if you did a video on 1) grieving the death of a narcissistic parent, and 2) grieving the loss of a living relative that one had to go no contact with. I know there are specialists in complicated grief, but I love your videos and your straight forward manner in talking about these things. I still find myself grieving the death of my narc father after almost ten years, and also my sister who is in denial that he was a narcissist. Thank you.

Haliluyah! Yes! Go where your treated best! Thats a healthy environment

I definitely feel aware that that is how I feel about my Dad.

You are a light in this world, thank you!

I want to plead my case to the subhuman who used me as an emotional dumpster and was unworthy of my presence. I remember when he complained about how the government could take children away that were getting severely abused.

So true,need healing

Thank you so much for this video. I've been feeling unworthy and undeserving of anything good lately. It's soul crushing.

He's describing Claire's relationship to her father!!!

I'm so extremely grateful for this channel

Thank you Thank you for helping me to see these patterns. It is so soul killing to grow up in these environments. I am really struggling to show people my value that I get used and exploited. I am also beginning to see what toxic shame is - an unconscious and sometimes conscious belief of inherantly bad, ugly, worthless, poor character. Therefore, I need to prove that I am not. It has led me to share my internal wealth with others and then I attract users who take advantage of my good nature and then when they have what they want they discard me. This then triggers the belief that I did or said something wrong or that I am annoying. This is a terrible way to feel. Can you do a video on toxic shame?

Thank YOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU 😊💌

Very timely, thank you Jay !

Thank you Jay for your great posts. They are very helpful.

Great talk Jay. Thank you!

You know, I've done about 18 months of EMDR in the past, and I've been in therapy for most of my adult life, and I only recently realized I had to start thinking of what happened to me as narcissistic abuse. I've spent the last year sussing out what relationships in the past were toxic in that way, but I've really been stuck in that period of arguing with my abusers internally. I've also aspired to really high achievement, but I struggle to see basically any form of self-care as worth doing, unless I have to be out in the world and social, in which case I'll at least make sure my body, clothes, and teeth are clean. I really appreciate your words of wisdom on this--I've only recently begun to understand how empty and ghost-like I've been feeling for most of my life, and after watching this, I feel like this relentless self-recrimination and torment can finally undergo some meaningful interrogation.

This one really hit home for me. Thank you Jay, for making these important videos. I feel like you are a compassionate, caring person that truly wants to provide good, detailed information to help people heal.

Thank you so much putting out these videos, Jay🙏 This one may be the most pivotal one for me so far. It feels that you put yourself unsparingly, intensely into imparting your insights to us so that we could benefit from them. So they wouldn't become only head-level knowledge. One can sense that you know from personal experience the suffering narcissistic abuse inflicts on one and that your insights are rooted in that ground. You connect the dots in a more detailed and sensitive way than other therapists and coaches I've watched on KZfaq... filling in the blanks.

Thank you so much for this video 🙏

Thank you jay

Thank you sir 😀

These videos are so good!

This is so well delineated and applicable to encounters outside of personal relationships.

This hits home so hard

This is so right on. Wow.

This information is very special. Thank you, Jay :).

You have helped me so much

what fabulous vid, thnx!

You are so soothing thank you so much :)

Beautiful, that's good

Oh Dear Jay, this video is so right on target! God bless you🧡🧡🧡

Love this spot on video!! When you do write a book I can only hope that it reads like your videos. Relating to the examples you provide is everything. Sad that no matter how many times I try I cannot get access to your e-books, suggestions?

Good info Thanks

Thank you for everything you're doing on this channel.

Thank you for great observations and advice.

Hi Jay, I just came to say that I love how You understand what it is all about. Really helpful. Greetings

Jay, I appreciate this video and can relate to similarities to my own children and my ex. I would love to know the same information as it relates to the other parent trying to prove to their children that they are worthy. My ex is covert narcissist and looks put together and charms the outside world. My kids unfortunately witnessed the bad behavior between us. I ended up leaving to save myself from the mental and physical abuse. But for whatever reason they remain loyal to the ex and I was trash the day I left. They are adults and they all treat me with disrespect of a certain level. I have worked hard to be able to maintain a normal life as a single person and feel I am always trying to prove myself to three people who could care less. I am insignificant in their world. At least that is how I feel.

Thank you

Ooooo more exercises, please! That was really helpful!

Again, a super helpful video. I am having just one revelation after another. Thank you so much!

Thanks Jay. Your vids are helpful

These videos are so good. Thank you.

Thank you for your help and support Jay. God bless you❤

I just discovered your channel and subscribed. Thank you.

I love you so much and you’re so handsome!!!

It’s curious how they have money to pay people to monitoring me but not no help me having the basics