Theory: Tad's childhood consists of beta timelines in which Tad died too early. Every time he died, the timeline would reset in a different era under similar circumstances. Tad needed to be alive to read Homestuck or else the timeline would be doomed.

"Beelzebub's Kale" Fuck me, And here I thought I'd heard all the stupid pot euphemisms, but then this wonderful gem appeared.

Tad's childhood is a Stephen King short story.

Michael's drawing makes him look like Abradolf Lincler

When I was a kid my mom went to throw this huge stick practically a log for our dog and she hit me in the face with it and i had to go to the hospital.

"ravioli ravioli give me the formuoli" what did he mean by this?

I'll have you know he was killing it in those pajamas

"The white guy shuffle" lol

Next thing Tad says is that he participated in a 17th century duel.

It shure seems like Tad has a memory of a thousand lifetimes...

Reminds me of the time I too matrix dodged a firework. I was like 7 or 8 at the time... Also the time my kayak started singing in the middle of the lake...

To add to it, you should have everyone as a Mario character, AND have everyone do the Mario.

"Are your people this ridiculously white"0:16

I've been stabbed in the chest, but the blade perfectly glanced off of my ribs. Most of my other concrete almost-died incidences involved illnesses, and I've had plenty of those.

More like Avatard.

Listening to this reminded me of my most recent almost died moment. Which I had forgotten, because columbus people and winter is synonymous with death lottery.

By god, I hope one of my experiences like this comes too close and we get to remove "near" from the title.

Not me, but my little brother opened the car door, luckily we weren't driving that fast, he fell out and broke his collar bone. He was also ran over by our grandmother and fractured his leg. He also had an asthma attack on a school trip without his inhaler and barely recovered. He also had a gun pulled on him at the mall. Basically, he took the all of our siblings bad luck.

"eel fuckers" Kek

one time I almost got dragged under a running boat and dock by a rushing river. my family was on vacation and we rented a house next to the colorado river, so we could bring our boat and dock it next to the dock in the backyard of the house. my older sister, younger brother, and I decided it would be a genius idea to tie three plastic dollar store inner tubes together and float down the river and our parents could pick us up later. well, we did it on the wrong side of the dock. as in, the river was going to push us into the dock. and our boat was running. my brother pussied out early, my sister wasn't a fatass like me and was able to pull herself up the side of the dock. I was left hanging on by the ends of my fingers as the river tried to drag me under. I got some nice gashes on my feet from the underside of the dock, actually. my family freaked out and rushed to grab on to me while screaming for me to "hold on tight, don't panic!" I didn't give a FUCK. I knew I was in imminent danger and one wrong move would have me either caught on the underside of the dock or sliced open by it or the boat as I got dragged through it. I just actually didn't care. not a care in the world. so they pulled me out, I laid myself out on the dock to think about what happened, my mom went to grab the first aid kit for my feet. and then I had a nice panic attack. perhaps I was too casually suicidal as a high schooler.

I've never heard of flashing high beams meaning there's a cop. I've always thought it meant turn YOUR high beams off so I can see. Then again I've only been driving since last August. I'll keep that in mind.

Our family was invited to the World Trade Center on 9/11

I actually have a similar story to the school shooter one. I was just walking up to my high school, and saw that nobody was around. Some teachers passed me and told me that our mass (because i attended Catholic schooling) was cancelled and that i was to head straight to class. When I arrived I was told that some old guy in a red hoodie was just casually standing outside the entrance to the church with 2 fucking machetes. Then after the police arrested the guy a bunch of school meetings for each year where held throughout the day, basically telling us to not mention it again. I actually have several news articles about this but i would rather not show what school i attended. The most interesting thing to me however is that details about the guy changed from article to article, most notably the weapons he wielded, as some places said they where machetes, some said they where Knives, and some even said that they where fucking meat cleavers. And just as icing on the cake, because of the way I walked to school I must have literally walked right passed him and not noticed.

Oh man the firework story reminded me of the time my family bought this sphere of fireworks that had a stand, but we didn't notice it, so when we lit it, it fell over, and fired fireworks everywhere, including about 2 right at my face

that thumbtack story had to be the dark souls of thumbtack stories

still haven't lived it down my mom came home to me playing video games,and turned out if I was there alone for 8 more minutes I would have died from gas leaking

I had two times where I nearly died. Both were on Halloween. The first, my costume caught on fire because the lid was off of a jackolantern and my costume fell in. Like 40% of the costume was up in flames in seconds. Somehow I didn't get any burns or anything though. The second, I was getting candy and got chased by a guy with a chain saw. I tripped running up a hill and flipped in the air twice and landed knocking my head into the concrete getting a concussion, only to have one of my shoes land and hit me in the head afterwards.

back in the late 70s, my dad's brothers moved my uncle's future-wife's living room set out into the middle of the road as a sign of 'your not welcome here.' I remembered hearing this story just after you told the story of you finding furniture in the road. I asked my dad when his took place, sadly, this was not all one story :(

I just started this and clicked the description 'Those eel fuckers'

On more than one occasion I have lost consciousness in an ER waiting room while they ignored standing orders to admit me. I don't remember much before or after that.

that clif hanger is pretty scary and just a bit more near death than my sinking away in driftsand up to my lips.

"Don't ever take a picture of you holding white paper with black text on it and put it on the internet." I did that exact thing yesterday :')

This is the best podcast on this channel

I almost died falling down a cliff with a bowl of raisin bran. The bowl of cereal was completely fine and all i had was a sprained ankle

Fell 40 feet from a pine I was climbing, and went catatonic as the bruising from my brain gave my pia mater a nice hug, nearly starving my brain of oxygen for 5 hours. I do not remember my time in the hospital, but I have been told I was reduced from the functionality of a teen in late development to the mannerisms of a toddler in the month I was awake, after 2 months of a comatose state. If my brain had been under the asphyxiation I was maintaining for two more hours, I would have likely remained catatonic. for a hot minute I was dent-head tyler1.

Don't think this beats the cliff story, but a couple weeks back I came pretty close to being eaten by a bear. I went hiking with my husband and my dog, and picked up a dead raccoon at the start of the trail to process for its skull and pelt. I had some salmon jerky in my bag as a snack. We went up the trail a while smelling like dead raccoon and salmon, found some old bear scat that we didn't think much of, jumped over some puddles, and then decided to turn back once we hit a crossroads. When we turned back and went to jump back over the puddles again (couldn't have been more than five minutes since we first jumped them) the dog begins freaking out and pulling towards the bushes. We look down and right next to the puddles are two HUGE bear tracks. (rear foot around 13 inches long) And my husband and I both noticed a very peculiar smell in the area. It took all of our self control not to run out of there, but we certainly didn't stick around. I felt very fortunate to have my bell, my dog, and my bear spray on me, but I have heard stories of people being attacked despite all of those things.

I think the one of the few times I think I came close was probably when I was driving to college (It's a 45 minute drive one way for context): I'd probably been on one of my driving anger benders at the time. I was crossing a train track and the bar was coming down for the oncoming train. Me deciding to be INCREDIBLY smart, gunned my car under the bar and nearly got clipped in the process. I look behind me the moment I clear the track and I already see the train crossing the track, I thought to myself: "Huh, that was dumb." while mentally punching myself in the stomach. Never tried that stupid shit EVER again. Also, you just COULDN'T resist mentioning HOMESTUCK

I got shot at by Browning M2 machine gun and I had a missile malfunction and detonate its charge in my general direction (not a euphemism). Maybe that puts some perspective on "oh, the roads were icy one day". Oh yeah, and shitloads of shrapnel from a poorly placed EOD "disarming".

When I was like 3 or something, my parents brought home this kitten-- cute little thing (probably i don't friggin remember), but anyway this thing scratched me and like, I got cat scratch disease and somehow it just got progressively worse to the point where I was on a medication that was just before chemo-- like the hematologist that was caring for me started thinking I had cancer. Culminated in me having fever seizures and stuff. I can still remember how the room where they gave me a spinal tap looked. I guess that counts as a near death type thing.

We found the avatar of almost dying

I was pronounced dead twice at the age of 3

They should change the logo every time someone else is on

Closest I've come to dying is being pushed into the deep end of the pool. At the time I couldn't swim and I had already inhaled a shit ton of water from panicking. So the whole time I was drowning I had to struggle my way up the slope of the pool to save myself.

Fun fact, could have lost my arm from that spider bite if I didn't go to the hospital within a week or so Does that count?

I once slipped off my roof and rolled backwards onto my lawn. Also i was on 2 school shooting lists, that was cool.

When I was like, 4, I found a metal rod, and threw it at my brothers head. He turned his head, and it just went SWOOSH right past him. If it landed, I would of killed him.

i once walked on a frozen over lake and stepped on a bad spot. i almost starting suckin down water but i just pulled myself out because there was a structure by me i could use to get out

When you've almost died so many times that you have sections and subsections of stories to tell.

So once when I was driving a bus rammed me on the back of my car, my head didnt went through the window by like a couple inches, I had a concussion and my dad threw me out of his car a couple of streets before the hospital and told to just walk

Marijuana isn't illegal where I live, so hell yeah!

This was a damn good episode

That skinwalker shit legitimately made me incredibly uncomfortable cause im in my room at night with all the lights off and a fan on so its cold and dark as fuck and that was so god damned creepy

I had a similar experience to the cliff one. I was up on a mountain in the Northeast (not really a 'mountain' but still had pretty steep cliffs) on my 21st birthday. I was drunk with my friends and we went to this mountain to drink some more and I had to take a piss. Being a girl, I was like "ok hold on I'm gonna go deep into the woods", so I walk deeper into the woods and suddenly I'm falling. I reach up and grab a sapling and my drunk ass is like "phew, almost fell down that ditch," and I casually pull myself back up and go pee. It was pitch black so I couldn't tell it was actually the side of the fucking mountain and I almost fell like 100 feet to my death (which I discovered a few weeks later when my friend went back to see where I'd fallen and gazed down from the cliff face.

The categorization of the near deaths was like a fucking Doctor Seuss book.

I was around 3 years old and we lived in this house with a really big garden and the house was on the second floor, my dad was mowing the lawn and he needed 2 really long extension cords to reach the end i was minding my own buisness when i found two cords hooked, i tried to pull them appart but i was 3 years old and not strong enough so i had the brilliant idea to bite the end of one and pull the other with both hands and managed to get my lip tuck in between, lucky for me my mom saw me and pulled me away with a broom, they had to take me to the hospital, i still remember everything that happenned before i got electrocuted even tho i was only 3

live in indiana, and our 4th of julys are LITTTTTTT. however, it seems to be all week with the fireworks. walking to 7/11 is alot more fun.

"Oh shit yeah that one!" is not something a brother (should) be able to say to his sibling when talking about how he almost fucking died. That said this is like the 3rd time I've listened to this in the past year, and it gets better every time.

I was up there as well when the stabbing happened at OSU. good times

I almost got drowned by a dog when I was a small child, good times, good times

I almost fell off the side of a mountain on an atv I also fell head first onto a tree while loading my atv on to a trailer This one time I almost got killed by a nest of bees

when i die i want to be buried with my pc, cause no ones taking the meme machine away from me.

My only near date experience was when I just sort of stopped breathing for a while

One time I invited two ex convicts inside my home when I was alone because it was cold.

Is that episode of TnA with T&A (and A) still coming out?

good job guys, i fuckin died at eel fuckers

*Mario pipe sound*

Love your podcast guys, found it back in January because of the fuckin Neopets episode lol This one made me laugh the most and I love it when shit comes back up again (like the whole thing with the lead pipe)

My car door flung open while I was sliding on ice towards oncoming traffic.

Tad's fucking laugh kills me

SAXTON.... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (hell yea)

dankus magmus

ah, the ohio state slasher

nerds, I've been declared clinically dead 7 times

The pool is closed

Broflex with me!

my grandfather and great-grandparents ate eel al the time

I learned how to swim at 3 by hanging to the edge in the deep end and I did this fucking often like 3 hours a day I could've died at an point

i always mix up Steve Irwin and Steve urkul.

What is the song they referenced?

Pakistanis learning how to sky dive? Kamikaze maybe? inb4 people cry racist calm down I'm Iranian

22:51 story?

Wouldn't he be in Yomi ? And not like a western graveyard

yo

im gay

One time I tried to kill myself by overdosing on 30+ sleeping pills, and as I was falling asleep I heard like 20 people all walking around me and whispering, but I was home alone ;-;

Is Michael Zombina from MM?

I don't even understand how people read Homestuck. It's boring as fuck for, like 50 pages. I didn't even get to where the hobgoblins or whatever the fuck they are were.

I think I've come close to death more than anyone should. Age uhhh, I don't fucking know I was a baby: In a cab going home from a Christmas Party, slide off the road into a ditch. Age 7: Almost drown in the deep end of a swimming pool, the life guard did nothing. Age 8: Almost drown in the deep end of a swimming pool, the life guard did nothing. Age 11: Climb up small (but still deadly if you fall) cliff without safety gear in Isle of Man because I got bored. Age 12: Almost get hit by motor bike when running to catch the school bus. Age 13: Climb up small (but still deadly if you fall) cliff without safety gear in Isle of Man because I got bored. Age 14: Climb up small (but still deadly if you fall) cliff without safety gear in Isle of Man because I got bored. As you can see, I have yet to learn from my mistakes and seeing as I'm 15, I doubt I will for the next 7 or so years.

Yo

yo

yo

yo